having the floor pulled out from under me....

so i have always said that my 3 biggest "systems" in place for this journey are my support group, my therapy and my blog.

well....as i blogged about recently i knew that i would miss support group for a class i am taking for the next 3 months.  BUT i said...i said...that was manageable because i was working out with 2 other women from support group twice a week with a private trainer.  so i felt that was an adequate "touchpoint".   today i found out that the trainer dumped us.   no.  not because we are horrible whiners  -- which we are.   she dumped us because she got "better" clients.    so good-bye modified support group for me.  fine whatever, i thought.   i even had a funny blog post written in my head about being dumped by my trainer in the place that boca del vista on seinfeld is actually based on.

then.  then i go to support group tonight knowing it is my last group pretty much until april and i find out from the bariatric coordinator that my therapist who leads a monthly group session at support is not going to lead group for a few months but will be back in "you know 5,6, NINE months....."  WHAT?  she is pregnant?  i didn't know that.   who cares about group....when is she going to stop working?  is she going to come back?   or is she going to stay home FORfuckingEVER?    i know.  i know.  i know that she is probably only 3 or 4 months pregnant since i didn't notice on her.  so i know i have some time.   but this is unnerving me.  i see her on thursday and i guess i will talk to her about it then.

so that means i am just left with my blog.   get ready for me to become oneneedyattentionseekingwhoreofablogger STAT.  lol.

now that i have gotten all of these thoughts out of my head and out into cyberspace i can take a deep breath and 1.  know it will be ok and 2. tell myself to stop FREAKING out over the unknown.

i want to blog about support group tonight because the topic was interesting.  at the end i announced the social network i started and it was very well received.  it is so interesting to me how many other people are craving face time with "others like us".   i also met someone who is "one of us" bloggers there and it was great talking to her afterwards.   

random and scattered monday thoughts....

i can honestly say today that i have good alignment with my personal mirror of distortion vs. mirror of reality.   without looking at a picture i see a thinner me in the mirror and even when i look down at my body.   i think this is extremely important to me....because when i feel "fat" i act "fat".  i eat "fat".  i dress "fat".  i think "fat".   today, i hope to go into this new year acting, eating, dressing and thinking thin.  

speaking of dressing fat.... i fucking love jeggings.  OMG.   what a great fashion item for me to find at this point in my weight loss journey.  jeggings, of which i own 3 pairs, allow my to show off all my deliciousness appropriately.   it is the skinny jeans 2.0 for girls, like me, who have stomach apron disproportionately larger than the rest of your body.  i can have "skinny" legs.  even tuck my pants into boots without baggy knees poking out -- yet the waistband gives me the comfort and support at my waist.

i feel very prepared with my food today on one hand.   but feel a little binge-y on the other hand.  i have my lunch bag packed with good foods.   including:

• my salmon salad -- made with light mayo, goat cheese and a couple olive slices --about 1/2 cup -- 16 grams protein
• 2 cheese crisps to have with salmon salad-- wheat free crackers -- 4grams protein, 2 carbs.
• homemade brisket chilli (my protein calculation is 20gram protein) with 1/4 cup of cheese (2 carbs/7 protein -- and 9grams fat!!!!) and 5 saltine crackers (11 carbs/1gram protein)
• two turkey/laughing cow -- the chipolte flavor YUM -- roll ups (turkey: 1 carb/4 protein...cheese: 2 carbs / 6 protein)
• homemade egg salad (eggs: 2 carbs/12 priotein...mayo: 1 carb)
• 1oz cubed cheese (8 grams protein -- 9 grams fat!!!)

i started the day off with a bariatric advantage banana shake with a tbsp of peanut butter -- 30 grams of protein.  it is 11:30 and i have only the shake and 40oz of water (with crystal light tea).  i am not really hungry or anything yet.

i know this look likes a lot of food. and it is. but i am also staying down by my office to go straight to support group tonight since the princess is "on vacation" at my mom's. so it is also dinner.  but there is also a lot of fat.  ugh.  cheese.  cheese has been haunting me this whole journey.  i know deep in my heart i need to scale back on the cheese if i want to see this last 30-40 pounds gone. 


so, like i said it *is* a lot of food and i am honestly walking a thin line today between being prepared and bingeing.   recognizing this, first thing i did this morning was put my lunch bag in the employee breakroom downstairs so it is not sitting on my desk or in the refrigerator in my department.   i plan to have the chilli, cheese and crackers for lunch.

speaking of support group....tonight is supposed to be a cooking demonstration.  should be fun.  i feel sooooooooooooo out of the support group loop. i used to go religiously every monday since the week after my surgery.   it just seems like since september it has been one thing or another and i have not made it there except once or twice.... and now, after tonight i will not be able to attend until april.  i am really really really freaked out by this.   but i am planning on taking an important class on monday nights through march 28th.  i am really trying to get into the already full thursday night class.  but if not i am going to have to suck it up and miss support group.  this class is just as important to my future and soul as group is....but.... i have always been a firm believer that my personal success is directly tied to the trifecta i have created for myself: support group, blogging and therapy.  i am going to have to lean on blogging and therapy more and more.  the good thing is that i will continue working out with two other women from support group most weeks twice a week.  so that keeps a connection for me and really the conversations and support we give each other is more valuable sometimes to listening to people sabotage themselves at support group. 

did i mention how excited i am for the lapband disney trip on january 2nd?????  lol.  i.am.excited.

stop going to home depot for groceries....

those were the final words my therapist's mouth as i left today.  in addition to reading my good-bye letter (see below) i also talked to her about my mom's lack of support lately.  it has gone beyond just her size 14 comment that i blogged about last week...but even cutting off anyone who dared to compliment me during rosh hashanah to tell them about all her fabulous volunteer work.   basically, per my therapist, i am no longer allowed to email my mom pictures of myself or call her to gush.  i need to redefine my support system.  actually, i need to recognize my incredible support system in real life that i don't tap into often.  i am not good at asking for help.  for admitting i am weak or imperfect.  it is something i am working on. 

in addition to having a therapy session today, my therapist also did a group session at support group tonight.  the topic of discussion was coping skills.   we talked about what coping skills accomplish and came up with a long list of good coping skills.  this was all done from the point of view that we no longer could use food as a coping mechanism.   from that list we had to choose 10 and write them down on a paper we should carry with us as reference.  mine include:

1. reaching out (if we chose this one we also had to list 3 "Publix" and not any "Home Depots")
2. visualization
3. meditation
4. blasting loud music
5. crafting
6. moving my body
7. blogging
8. reflection
9. cleaning
10. reality checks

ok...so saying good-bye today....the timing was perfect.   this week between the Jewish holidays of Rosh Hashanah (New Year) and Yom Kippur (Day of Atonement) is traditionally a week of reflection for Jews.   we are supposed to reach out to people we may have wronged and seek their forgiveness.    while i am no means "religious", i am definitely spiritual and this is one ritual I have always held dear to my heart.    a component of the Rosh Hashanah observance is Tashlich which literally means "casting off".  it is a service in which the congregation walks to a nearby body of water and "cast off" their wrongdoing from the previous year.  bread is used to embody your wrongdoing and the piece of bread is thrown in the water.   the years i spent in south beach it was so cool to go down to the ocean and be with hundreds of others doing the same....each year i take this seriously.  i am not talking to god (if god exists).  i am talking to myself.   this year i felt so at peace with myself.  i only threw one piece of bread in the lake and i felt it was more symbolic because i knew my own person tashlich was coming this week.   (i also took advantage of tashlich to lay some jewish mother guilt on the princess about how she should throw her bread in and think about being a good girl for mommy ALL THE TIME...lol).

so...today was my personal tashlich.  the most important of my life.   i sat on the sea wall of the intracoastal in fort lauderdale.  under a sea grape tree.  watching boats go by.   the current was so minimal it was almost dancing a sweet ballet for me.   i brought the picture of me with cinderella last year.   and before i read the letter i ripped my image into 3 pieces and dropped them in the water.  i let the larger piece of cinderella and my princess float away -- but did not rip the princess.   i then read the following letter.  no copies exist of the letter.   only this vlog.   i did this vlog outside my office.  towards the end i start look around because the lawn guy was coming towards me with his big mower and i *knew* i could not possibly read this again and get through the rest of the day at work.   so i start to hurry up.  but the whole letter is here.   i know i am *really* exposing myself here (you even get a good batwing shot)...but if i am going to blog with integrity and live my life with integrity...i need to put it all out there.

ok.  here goes nothing....

like i could *ever* be in the closet....

i was back in tampa this week for work.   part of the trip was a site visit out to my favorite project.   as all the sissy old straight men climbed into the air conditioned truck, i grabbed the gator (cross between a golf cart and an atv and great for off roading) and the new guy and decided to see the natural side of florida the RIGHT way.   it was so much fun.   we rode around about 800 acres for a couple hours.  got up close with some cows (real picture to the right) and even came across some wild hogs.   fun, fun.

before i went to tampa i had a meet and greet/date with bachelorette#1.    it went really well.   we met up at a starbucks and talked for a couple hours.  we mostly talked about books -- which is such an aphrodisiac to this geek.    i did come out to her about the surgery.   what happened was...my surgeon's office had an open house earlier in the evening for the new bariatric support center they opened up.  it is a satellite office to meet with the nutritionist, buy bariatric specific shakes and vitamins and where we will hold our support group meetings in the near future.  very nice.  so i told bachelorette #1 over the phone that i was going to an open house at my doctor's and i would see her after that.   i am a very bad liar.  i wouldn't even say that... i just lack a filter about the truth and real world that i don't think to lie or bend the truth.  so of course, once we met she was kind of curious of why i would go to an open house at my doctor's.... so i told her what kind of doctor it was and just explained that i am very involved in the office going-ons because of support group and it is important to me.   it went over so naturally and casually.   she mentioned that she had a friend who had bypass surgery and gained a lot back "because she didn't have support".  (does anyone else find themselves being told a lot by others about all the people they know who "failed" at this?  i don't think it is mean spirited...i just don't think people realize that even us successful folks live with an eternal fear of "diet failure"...).  she did ask me how much i lost -- i told her 140 told and about 80 since surgery --- but i was able to find my filter and NOT pull out my 373 picture on my first date.  lol.

bachelorette #2 --- who i am meeting on saturday but have been talking to on the phone -- also knows.   we were talking and she asked me why i was single for so long.  i mean, seriously, i could understand that curiosity...she has this fabulous skinny bitch on the phone and it just doesn't make sense...lol...kidding.    so i told her that i put myself on a hiatus while i focused on myself after weight loss surgery.   i knew she would most likely be ok with it since earlier in the conversation we had already established that we BOTH had dated the woman i mentioned in a previous post who had weight loss surgery.   (the jewish lesbian dating pool is very small at times).    she was more than ok with it and gave me a congratulations.   she has also been sending me flirty emails all week after this conversation...so i have a feeling she is ok with this.   

it was also funny to be asked by her how current my pictures were in my online profile and to be able to tell her that they were from about 2 months ago and i weigh 20 pounds less.   you don't know how many people post pictures from 1993 in their profiles....

so everybody knows.  nobody cares.  typical narcissist letdown for me.  lol. 

tomorrow is my 8th month post-op check-up.  EIGHT MONTHS.  just crazy.  i have a feeling that this weigh-in will be below the 10 pound a month mark.   and i am already prepared to be ok with it.  i have needed a slight fill for about two weeks but have not gone on purpose.  three weeks ago i was having a lot of visceral tightness due to stress while i was in north carolina for work.   three days straight of throwing up every meal.   so i wanted to give my band some time to heal.  then with the mid-week tampa trips last week and this week i did not want to travel and be caught out of town with tightness again since the tampa trips include a lot of community dinners and me presenting to large crowds. and running out of the room or away from a table from elected official to throw up was not an option.  so...i am giving myself this past month as a "break" and look forward to be back on track by 9:30 tomorrow morning.   i just need a smidge...

damn....i look hot.....

excuse the grainy quality....but damn.... i could not stop looking at myself in the elevator lobby mirrors today....lol.

and speaking of my own hotness...i think with each passing day i am getting closer and closer to lifting my self imposed dating fatwa.   the line for applications form to the right, ladies... ;-)  lol

tonight was support group.   there is going to be a change in the support group structure in the next couple months.   they are going to divide us into two groups: under one year post-op and over one year post-op.  there will be exceptions to the year mark if it is someone who is far along and the surgeon's office feels like they are "getting" it.  i assume i will make it into the one year and over group.  i also know that my therapist will most likely facilitate this group.

after tonight, i have to say, i am really looking forward to the split.  my patience for recent crop of newbies is running out.  unlike myself and others who were new around my time, they do not come to listen or take away information....instead they come in and tell us how they can eat "anything" and talk about snacking on non-protein stuff.     everything is just sooooooo easy for them.  there are 3 who have been doing this since one-week post-op.   i think they are all liars.  lol.   tonight i kind of called one girl out.   she was telling us how she keeps her refrigerator at work stocked with grapes, carrots, hummus, etc.   she pointed out that they were "good snacks".   i pointed out that they are not protein and i always try to go for protein first.    she said she logs her food and gets all her protein in even with these snacks.  so i pointed out to her that when she gets to good restriction she is only going to have 3-4 opportunities -- on a good day -- to eat and that now is the time to adjust to the protein-first rule.   our leader was agreeing with me.  ms. three and a half months told me she was doing ok.  so...sorry, but i had to...so... i turned to our leader and said that i was having weight watchers meeting flashbacks where i would leave a meeting knowing that a tootsie roll lollipop has 1 point, an oreo is two points and on and on and on.    i know ms. three and half months was not happy with my analogy...but someone needs to let these people know that the hard work is right around the corner and i am always happy to piss on someone's parade.....lol...  no, not really...but, yeah...i do get the reason for splitting the group.   one group needs to be the basics and the other needs to be the long term behavioral stuff -- as it was presented to us.   kudos to my surgical group for always improving our support options.

tomorrow i am flying to north carolina for a week of executive communication boot camp.  oh joy.   it is now my turn to have my inners ripped out and analyzed by a group of know it alls....  what comes around, goes around.  at least i have no worries about the southwest blubber police ever.again...thankyouverymuch....

catching up on my tan...

i really don't know why i am not blogging lately. nothing is wrong. actually, quite the opposite. everything is great.

i am feeling good. i am active. and really the band has gotten to be such a "non-issue" for me. which is exactly where i wanted to be by now.

back in late december, at support group, we listed some long and short term goals. one of my short term goals was to hit the 50 pound mark and really own/work the band. i can definitely say at the 66 pound mark i am doing that. right now i am living my life to the fullest -- in relative terms, of course.

i bought myself a bike for mother's day.  and the princess and i have been riding everywhere.  i totally love "working on my tan" on it.  lol. 

this past weekend we loaded the bikes on the car and headed down to the Florida Keys.  There is a speciality shop down there that I like to get my bathing suits from and it was time to upgrade into suits that will not fall off me this summer.   also, they do a good bra fitting and carry top-shelf bras.   size-wise i am wearing a size 18 bathing suit and 36 bra size....i will spare you the cup size...lol...

we were able to get in a waterside/roadside picnic, a bike ride, a swim in the atlantic and a couple hours at a tiki bar.  good for my soul.

tonight is support group.  this will be my 3rd week in a row since i missed 3 weeks in a row.  i have to say, i am having a hard time adjusting.   but i know i need to keep going...so i will.   since talking with my therapist about the "n-word" stuff and sitting back at group more i can tell you that they are nothing but a bunch of narcissist.  lol.  and it is annoying.  what they don't know is that *my* therapist will be visiting our group in a couple weeks as a guest speaker and she is going to be exploring the whole narcissism / food addiction connection with them.  lol. 

the princess and i have been keeping busy. here are some pics of our good times...

Me and the Princess playing "Fashion Girls".  She really likes that I am wearing more "girl clothes" lately.

My Mother's Day present to myself...a new bike!

The princess and I at John Pennekamp Park on Saturday.  I asked the creepy guy taking our picture to get all of us and our bikes that we were standing in front of in the pic....but i think he was only looking at one thing...

The princess took this of me during our roadside picnic in Islamorada (mid/upper Keys) on Saturday.  I can't say enough how much i love the Florida Keys...

Princess and me on a bench in John Pennekamp Park taking a break from our bike ride.

The princess at Gilbert's Tiki Bar in Key Largo.  I have a feeling you will be finding us here a lot this summer.

Me goofing on the actress Sharon Gless (Cagney and Lacey) at the Miami Premiere of the movie Hannah Free.  There are a series of shots where I am acting like a crazy stalker.  And one final one of my friend J giving her rabbit ears.  lol.

And finally, a real one of me and Sharon Gless.  Check out those ciggies in the cleavage!  lol

cravings and thoughts on being sober....

last night at support group we talked about cravings. our coordinator gave us a hand-out on managing them. it is pretty typical with lap band patients that cravings come back with a vengeance by the year anniversary, according to her. being the overachiever that i am, mine came back at the start of month 4. and she says that my experience is pretty normal in that my cravings have been replaced with something else. for me, it used to be salty, crunchy food. now it is sweet, milky chocolate. as of yet, i have mostly satisfied this new craving with my EAS shakes...ok, except for the couple few times i have have stolen mini m&ms right out of the princesses grubby little hands.....


one of our past guest speakers (i think it was my current therapist) talked about how when we are craving something crunchy it could be because we are angry and the crunching is getting our anger out. i totally forget what she said craving sweets mean since at the time i thought i was a salty crunchy kind of girl. but i do think it is interesting that my cravings don't symbolize anger anymore...maybe i should stop here since i don't remember what chocolate cravings mean and i would hate for you all to think it means i am sexually repressed or something...lol....

the handout we got last night had a chart for handling cravings. for example...for salt...try eating more seaweed, black beans and vegetables. try eating less sweets, fats, alcohol, meats, grains and processed foods. instead try eating natural soy sauce, miso, herbs and spices.

i also asked the veterans last night about drinking hard liquor. i was not prepared for the sobriety that the band brought and i am ready to get back in the game. i have had wine (which i barely consider alcohol) but i miss my dark beautiful rum. my only worry has been tolerance. they said that i could knocked on my ass quicker but i should be fine. i am ready... i have an upcoming trip (princess-free) to new orleans and a party next month. so those of you who read this blog who know me in real life...look out grrls, heidi is back in action! lol. who's gonna hold my hair back?

one last thing... i have decided to tweet.  you can see a link to it up there...on the right hand side of my blog.  tweets will probably be more cynical and observationist as we go on.  some about the band but more not about the band.

lots on my mind...

i have been pretty reflective since my visit to the mental health counselor last week.   nothing too deep....but i have allowed myself to step back and just "observe" my life and my interactions with my parents, daughter and food.   nothing earth shattering revealed.  there is definitely a problem.   but there is most likely a good solution for all involved.   right now i am still at the point that i don't want to do anything that will hurt my mom.  i know through therapy i will get past those feelings.

here are some snippets:

my mom told me that she was mentioning to someone that not only is her daughter "disappearing", she never seems me anymore because i "don't really eat much anymore".   er.  um.  houston..i think we have a problem.... lol

i have become increasingly aware, and perhaps uncomfortable, with the amount of times i call my parents a day.   and more importantly, i am realizing how much i am training the princess to do this.

step by step.  day by day.  i will worry about crossing the river when i get to it.... <--- speaking of those mantras....i forgot to mention last week that i talked to the therapist last week about being overwhelmed with the idea of not knowing what i will look like as i continue to lose since i have not been this low in my adult life.   she had the best response... i don't need to worry about that since it really is gradual and continual.  duh.

which brings me to this mind-blowing news... i jumped on my parents WiiFit this weekend.  this is the scale that is exactly the same as my surgeon's -- where i do my once a month official (and sometimes only) weigh-in.   as of yesterday i weight 258.  WTF?   when you weigh 373...when you weigh 312....when you weigh 299.... someone in the 250s sounds soooooooooooooooooooo much less and sooooooooooooooooo skinny.    my official monthly check-in is next monday but since i have to travel that day for work and won't be able to go i am going to try to get in this week sometime.

which brings me to...restriction... still have it, and i have to say that i am still SURPRISED every morning when i think i am hungry before i start and lo and behold i am feeling good with just a shake.   i do feel it starting to wear off a little.   i am able to get in a little more food but not that much.  i am not sure if i need a fill yet or not.  i think the idea of being "in the green" and in the 250s is just so foreign to me i don't know what to think...lol...

last week i was finding that i was mindlessly eating at dinner and getting stuck.  3 vomits, in fact.  it was a busy week and lots of road time so i found myself just wanting to zone out and watch tv.   and all the vomits happened on TV nights.   lesson learned (maybe).

this weekend i ate pretty much every lunch and dinner out.  i had not problems with getting stuck or even pressure in my chest.  i find it interesting to observe that i am better at monitoring my intake when i am in public with people.    i also have soooooooooooo many leftovers for the week.  yay!  lots of diversity and i won't just go to the safe stand-bys of cottage cheese or fish.

on saturday the princess and i did a charity walk with our dog and a group from my wls support group.  it was a little over a mile and we had fun.  you can see by the picture that my dog likes to stay anonymous on the internet.   

afterwards the princess, dog and i went to my favorite "eat-outside" restarurant in the gay ghetto.   while sipping my red-pepper gouda soup i easedropped on the two women at the next table.   one was going on and on about going to "women's night" at a local gay bar and how all the women were either super-butch (manly in straight terms) or "50 pounds overweight".   so now knowing and accepting that many people should really weigh 140 and that is not a sign of anerexia (lol) "50 pounds overweight" to this skinny bitch (not the good kind of skinny bitch that i am) is still under 200.   damn.  that pissed me off.   so when she started making goo-goo eyes at my dog i pretended not to hear her.  mature, i know.  but i was just so let down by the image obesssed gay community i live in down here.  

in addition to the group walk, i took my parents dogs to the dog park yesterday and borrowed my mom's bike (a grandma 3-wheeler that i secret covet) and rode with the princess for a while.   just don't tell me i exercised and we will be ok.  lol. 

tonight is support group.  i think it is the mental health counselor that checks in with us once a month.   more later...

that emptiness inside.

so….today i met with the mental health counselor to start exploring why i am obese and how i am going to stop being obese both physically and mentally. it comes down to this…it is my parents’ fault. lol.

official diagnosis:  i was/am an overindulged spoiled brat. and as a result my identity has become enmeshed with my parents. i am most likely to some degree a narcissist.

here is how we got there…i started talking about my life. i explained that i have no abuse in my past. we talked about my history of weight loss struggle and obesity. she began to identify a “hole” or “emptiness” that i was trying to fill with food pretty much my whole adult life. and she zeroed in on what was already suggested to me…that food is my relationship and link back to acceptance in my family.

but as we talked some more she started to extract how much i really am enmeshed with my parents. (she used “enmeshed” as a clinical term throughout our session)

she also started to identify that i am pretty good at avoiding spending time inside myself (commando and junior – focus…don’t let your mind wander there….). she asked me what kind of activities i enjoyed… i mentioned reading, hanging out, etc. everything i mentioned apparently is “external” and does not involved facing myself. well, except blogging.

she thinks there is more that we need to explore with this “emptiness” and gave me some tools to start to identify them. i narrowed down the “worst” time for me is at night after the princess has gone to bed. i am supposed to keep a grazing/emotional eating log. when i want to eat outside of meal time i am supposed to log the following:

1. time/place/feeling

2. what is going on – ie. the precipitating event

3. i am supposed to wait 20 minutes and log what i do during that time and how i feel – ie. anxious, mad, bored, etc. here is when i should take out a special glass and drink a non-caloric drink.

4. do i still want to eat – yes or no? if yes, what am i feeling? if no, why not?

5. what did i eat?

the goal with this exercise is to eventually identify the “precipitating event” that leads to my grazing/binging.

the next tool i am supposed to start doing making a “feelings collage”. she has asked me to go get some magazines and when i am feeling empty or bored i need to start cutting out things and make a collage. i like to scrapbook and i love art and sayings, so i think i can have fun with this. she said that it is not only a tool for us to explore my thoughts, but it is a good activity to get me doing something with my hands (instead of shoving food in my mouth) and for me to start spending more time inside myself. ( seriously, junior and commando, must you go there?)

she also asked me, as long as i felt like sharing, to bring in snippets from my blog. of course the smart ass in me who wants to avoid dealing with shit is thinking of printing out the mindless posts about my boobs and poop. lol

and my final assignment for the week is to keep track of examples of where i am seeking approval or obsessive contact from my parents or other enmeshment incidents.

i have to tell you that this enmeshment stuff is weighing heavy in my heart. i know that i am not going to totally cut my parents out of my life, but she is suggesting that i need to find ways to shift away a little in order to identify myself as i go through this weight loss journey since it seems that my weight is part of my familial identity. but for me…right now…i feel like i just found out that my parents are not really my parents. what i am trying to say is, i am scared shitless to really step back and look at my relationship with my parents and shatter the perfect world i may have created in my head and begin to deal with the imperfect world inside my mind. sigh.

of course we also talked about my daughter and how i am most likely repeating this pattern with her…as my grandmother did with my mom and my mom did with me. she feels it is the right time to change the course of history. last night i admitted to my close friend that late at night i find myself not only watching the princess sleep, but her whole life i have been taking pictures of her sleeping. it is a way for me to capture the “realness” of her. it is hard to explain. but my counselor today got it and told me that i need to stop it immediately. sigh.

so, the synopsis is…i was raised by an enabling obsessive mother to be a narcissistic woman with no sense of myself who was raised herself by an enabling obsessive mother…and i am nothing but an enabling obsessive mother who has no independent identity and avoids herself by eating. and we were/are all fat. lol.

catching up on the rest of the day….

this morning i posted about my tightness. karma bit me on the ass – big time. my staff was in town today and they were so fucking annoying and ornery. don’t keep coming into my office (while i am trying to calmly eat lunch) and argue against doing what i asked you to do two weeks ago. long story short…i finally slimed/vomited at work. and today was the day. i could not keep anything down and it was a constant running back and forth to the bathroom all day. i am kind of pissed. but whatever. i had a hot drink tonight after support group and hopefully that has opened me up for tomorrow.

and of course, to add to my stress…i was left without childcare tonight. i refuse to miss support group…so the princess went along with me. i have to give that kid credit…she was an angel for the entire hour and half we were there. quiet. did her homework and read her books. such a sweetie.

support group was great. we all checked in on where we were in our zones. a lot of good information came out. did you know that we should avoid microwaving our leftovers because it dries them out – which leads to getting stuck? i did not realize that. i felt so honored – two different people reference something i had shared at past meetings while they were checking in. it is nice to feel like you are contributing to the success of others.

this post is ridiculously long, and i am exhausted. sweet and protein filled dreams to each and every one of you….

tranquility? really? me?

i have noticed that i have been very peaceful internally and externally lately. this is something my wannabe punk rock, badass anti-establishment (in my mind) self is not used to. it is especially apparent to me late at night.

my nighttime ritual for-evah has been to put the princess to bed, make some ridiculous dinner (tortilla chips with melted cheese and guacamole or eggs, feta and breakfast meat were always my favorites), eat dinner in bed, roam the internet mindlessly and watch bad reality tv or tabloid news. i have had to sleep with the TV on since i was in high school.

this past week i have noticed that i am not even sleeping with the TV on. and except for the highly euphoric trifecta of thursday nights -- rehab/runway/housewives -- i am not even putting the TV on most nights. by the time the princess is in bed at 7:30 i have eaten my small dinner, cleaned up the house, organized for the next day and settled in with a book. i am reading until about 10 or so and going right to sleep with no TV on.

this is just crazy to me and i can't help but attribute it to my lack of attachment to food nowadays, my sense of not needing to avoid the "fat" issue (since i know it is going away) and a general sense of just feeling better.

i have been pretty faithful to my mantra of family.health.career this week.   it has helped me to stay focused and say no to others and myself much easier.

i have taken a baby step towards exercise. i bought the princess a bicycle. didn't buy myself one yet...but i know it will happen in the next couple weeks.

today is a lazy day at home. started a new book. just got back from the princess riding at the park. tonight is ladies game night and tomorrow i am going to the renaissance festival.

also, i finally made contact with the LMHC that gave the intuitive eating lecture at my support group a couple weeks ago. i am going to start sessions with her this week. i think i am ready for it now.

peaceful and tranquil saturday to you....

Bizarro World Support Group

i am going to just put it out there...tonight's support group was fucked up. not good fucked up and not bad fucked up either...the new in-office nutritionist was the leader and she gave everyone two chocolate kisses. *pause for collective gasp*

yes. a bag of hershey kisses was passed around at my lap-band support group tonight. the topic was mindful eating. and we first discussed what is mindful eating. we talked about how we know we are hungry and how we know we are full. for hunger everyone said -- stomach growls, dizzy, etc. NOPE. on a scale of 1 to 10 if you are practicing mindful eating you should be at a 2 to 3 when you eat. you should be eating on a schedule. you should be asking yourself how you feel, when was the last time you ate and prepare yourself mentally to eat. for full you should be at a 5 to 6. i think with the band we are all somewhat aware of not eating to uncomfortableness.

but then...but THEN...she passed around a bad of hershey kisses and told us to each take two. she then said "go ahead and eat one..." i was watching the group....before she finished that sentence most people already had the kiss popped into their mouth. i chose not to (for reasons i will explain below). a couple other people chose not to either -- most said they did not want to open a floodgate. she then read a passage out of a book called Emotional Alchemy. the passage in the book is about raisins...but she chose to substitute it with chocolate (!!!!). she told us to hold the second hershey kiss in your hand and cup that hand with our other hand. i chose not to. the passage she read was a relaxation and then told them to put it in their mouths and feel the texture. i don't remember much because i purposely zoned out. turned out the point of this was mindful eating. the first piece they all popped it into their mouth without tasting it. the second one they all enjoyed. one woman said it was sexual. i get the end point....but i still am not sure it was the best food choice. she said afterwards she chose the chocolate because of the melting in your mouth sensation. would you bring beer to a meeting of alcoholics?

the reason why i did not eat the chocolate was because today i had my 3-month post-op appointment with my primary doctor.... the good news is that my blood sugar and cholesterol levels are going down. the bad news is that i am still technically a diabetic. i wanted to be one of those people who say "nine days after my surgery i was off all my meds...blah.blah.blah" <---- this was typed with a whiney voice.... but i am not. i am 3 months post-op and still a diabetic. my true confession is that i stopped taking my meds religiously pre-op. my commitment is to take my meds EVERY FUCKING DAY until my follow-up with my doctor in three months. i am not happy. but, whatever.

tomorrow night is another community meeting in another community....send "attention seeking whore" vibes my way so that i FINALLY will get a public shout-out on my weight-loss.  lol.

my thought on restriction...

it fuckin rocks!   enough said.   i am tigggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhht.  but not bad tight.  i finally understand how it is possible to ONLY each 3 small protien-first meals a day.

tomorrow we embark on our disney cruise.  yay!  tomorrow my baby is 5 years old.   WAH!  speaking of which....  i was contacted by the foster care agency yesterday.  at this time they do not expect any children from haiti to place.    but i will most likely be going through their foster care licensing program this spring.   i spoke to the princess about us bringing another child into the home and she did not flush a babydoll down the toiliet (like i did when my parents told me about my baby sister) so i think we are good.to.go... or at least in a place where we can explore this option.

support group on monday was....interesting....  it was one of those times when you just sit back and tell yourself "she needs the support of the group tonight more than i do"....  a lot of our discussion focused on food choices, carbs and mindful eating.  someone in the group suggested a life coach to another patient.   there is apparently one who specializes in wls...as she is a wls patient herself.  i have not really had time to read up on her but you can find her here....http://toomuchonherplate.com/melissa-mccreery/

have a great and successful weekend...and remember...it is better in the bahamas....

ch-ch-ch-ch-changes....

things have been crazy -- but good -- here this week.  

after my 3 month post-op checkup this week, i passed over that threshold and came to accept that i really am going to lose weight and that the next year or so (weight-loss) wise is going to cause a lot of changes.

coincidentally, i also had my annual review this week. my boss basically told me that he is going to mentor me to take over his position in about 2 years (he is out of his 3rd or 4th retirement and in his 70s). this would take me from department director to a city manager/ceo position. the goals and benchmarks he laid out for me were quite high and significant. he also wants me to commit to major executive management training at a national level to make me more prepared to take his position. and true to his word, the rest of the week we got right down to business on me gaining new responsibilities -- including taking control of the policy issues in another department. fortunately, it is just policy and structure and not personnel. the human resources part of being a department director is the part i like least about my job. i have high expectations of others and their behaviors and get annoyed easily with laziness, stupidity and lack of teamwork. and with the weight-loss control going on right now i am not sure i would want to take on 50 plus people who would make me want to eat my band, forget about eating around it.

so...you put these two upcoming "changes" together -- weight loss and job -- and i have a pretty big year or two ahead of me. lots of goals. lots of self-improvement. lots of other people's expectations to meet. the truth of the matter of it is i know that i will emerge on the other side of two years looking a like a new person inside and out. wow. kind of scary. but exciting at the same time.

i never updated on support group this week because i am still digesting some of it and i don't doubt that eventually members of the group will read this blog. we had some bypass patients there this week and it is crazy the differences in our control points, outlook, etc. i will pretty much leave it there, because some things are just better left unsaid. also, i know my reaction is clouded by the fact that i am very intolerant of new people/situations. like if a website changes it format -- i freak out -- so all you girls who change your background weekly are wreaking havoc on my non-dx ocd. lol... back to support group... nothing too bad...but it would be like putting a vegetarian and a rancher in the same room together....both are going to walk away scratching their heads and having some wild perceptions about each other....

but true to form, on the surface all the regulars at my group were patient and tried to engage with the "others".   i will also say that there was a newly banded woman there and i felt bad that she was getting a mixed message on the journey. she actually beat me in how soon someone attended group. i was exactly one week post-op. she had her surgery thursday and was there monday -- is that 4 days? being the competitive one that i am, i made a mental note of her beating me. lol.

regarding the clothes issues i briefly posted about....i finally understand hoochie mama fashion. i mean WHY would someone want to wear baggy clothes when they can show off ALL their deliciousness? i hated being in bagging clothes this week. you see, i thought i was organized. i spent some time this past weekend ironing my clothes for the week so i would look nice. never occurred to me to TRY ON the clothes. the problem is that the 26s are baggy but the 24s are just a little too tight. thus, my new appreciation for hoochie mamas....

i am rocking some new glasses today. you can see them in my pic up there. other than that, i am enjoying my post-fill restriction. dating/relationship (eeek! i said the word) is going well.  the princess has been sick this week and home from preschool much of the week. between me, my mom, my mom's friend and my babysitter we have figured it out...

one week and i will be on the cruise! yippee!

support group recap

so...remember my incident with the nutritionists? well, this past monday at support group we were introduced to our very own in-house nutritionists. yay! two young and knowledgeable ladies. sharp. let me tell you...sharp. we all shared a little with them and some veterans brought up concerns about introducing carbs back in during maintenance and how they are scared. the west coast nutritionists started asking us questions about how much we know about carbs. apparently not a lot. she pointed out that yogurt has upwards of 20g and we should only be getting 35g a day. that was a huge wake-up call for those who depend on yogurt for their protein. i personally can't stand the shit. but it was also a wake up call for me too. she encouraged all of us to go back and write everything down. count proteins, calories, carbs and fat. not so much to hit/avoid a certain number each day -- but to get a better grip on what we are actually eating each day. so i have been logging my food and water intake all week. (yay me!)


they also brought in one of those fancy dancy scales that tell you your fat content, etc. my fat content was 51%. yikes! i think she said we should be 20 or 30% -- i can't remember. not worried. i am obviously working towards that.

overall it was a great session. everyone reported about being in the green with their eating. a couple of us talked about being in the yellow with our heads. i shared how the plastic surgery lecture FREAKED me out. the bariatric coordinator was very empathetic to that. some of the veterans who had had plastic surgery already shared with me their reasons. such a great group. you all should come to florida for a long weekend and go to group with me one day. lol.

this week has been super busy.  i was in a charity poker tournament on tuesday at my folks' house.  this was only the second time that i played poker and i came in 4th place!  my dad plays ALL the time and he was 3rd so i feel really good about 4th! 

work has been shitty.  nothing terribly wrong but i hit a brick wall and it just frustrates the hell out of me.

really haven't exercised this week. i ran out and got the water bottle amy w. recommended and have been pretty good with my water. yesterday was a bad water day for me and i paid for it dearly this morning with constipation. lesson learned. got it.

tonight i have a date -- we are going to a small downtown jazz night where they keep the galleries open late.

this weekend the princess and i are joining friends in the Susan B. Komen walk.  i think it is 3 miles.

monday is my 3 month post-op appointment.  for some reason it is a week early.  i think i am going to get just a 1/2cc fill because i feel pretty restricted but could use a little more but do not want to go crazy before my cruise feb 11.   it is hard to believe that this journey is only 3 months in.  it feels soooooooo much longer and somedays i forget about the band, the surgery, etc.   it is so a part of me right now.

weird dreams...

i know i was utterly exhausted last night after the whirlwind disney trip.  the princess can not walk and do the required standing at disney so i also have to push an almost 5 year old in a stroller all day.  that sounds more dramatic than it is.  she can walk...she is just unable to do long distances or times.  good thing i am not carrying my own extra weight...

but anyhoo....i had the weirdest dreams last night...the first was that we were each assigned a "section" in our support group.  i don't remember all the sections but mine was exercise.  i was supposed to lead my group in exercise every session.   in my dream i just lost it.  hysterically cried.   i was so upset.  then in my dream someone said something about my boobs and i got even more upset. (yes, i even dream about my boobs) and i was trying to explain to our leader (who in the dream was a lesbian author i know) that i didn't want to lead the exercise because i didn't want everyone to see my boobs flopping around.   dun, dun, dun....as a believer in the meaning of dreams i am thinking i may be onto a little of what the fat represents.  let's just say that having real boobs in the 5th grade is a very hard thing.  so expect some more exploration of this in future blogs.

then i had a dream that all the guys at work and my dad were opening up some kind of weight loss center that was related to the lap-band.  it was only a $3,000 investment to open a franchise.  weird. 

moving on.... disney was great.  got a couple progress/comparison shots.  i will share one here...

September 14, 2009 (bad bra, huh?)

January 24, 2010

the changes in my face are just amazing.

have a great day.  i plan to catch up on the blog at lunch today.  seeing the shrink after work.  then support group.  hopefully no crying.  lol.

if it is monday night....

i must be telling you how much i love my surgeon's team!    have i told you yet how much i love them?  lol.  support group was great AGAIN tonight.

our bariatric coordinator gave us each a small gift.  it is a book called "dream" and it is filled with quotes that relate to dreams.   she also gave us some post-it tabs.  our assignment is to go through and pick out a quote that means the most to us and write a couple things about its significance for next week.  i have already picked out 3 4 (i AM an over-achiever):

To hope and dream is not to ignore the practical.  It is to dress it in colors and rainbows.  Anne Wilson Schaef

Without leaps of imagination, or dreaming, we lose the excitement of possibilities.  Dreaming, after all, is a form of planning.  Gloria Steinem (i am a professional land planner)

Dare to live the life you have dreamed for yourself.  Go forward and make your dreams come true.  Ralph Waldo Emerson

It's time to start living the life you've imagined.  Henry James (i think this is my favorite).

i was able to talk to the group a little about my issues with control and change.  they were very supportive.  i also shared with them my 373 picture so they could know a little bit more about me and my journey.

the coordinator asked me to talk about my blogging and how i use it to de-stress. 

i also talked about my restriction and it seems that i may be too restricted.  it was suggested that i come in for a "smidge" of an unfill.  i don't know.  i am so scared to lose restriction.  it is not like i have reflux or discomfort.  but i do understand that i am probably going to end up protein deficient soon.  i would love to hear from others who have gone through this.  i am 2 months post-op and have 6 ccs.  in the morning i can only get down a shake right now.  lunch is about 1/3 cup of chilli with cheese.  another shake.  and dinner is about 1/2 cup of something with protein.  no carbs, gluten, etc.  i may snack on a cheese stick occasionally.

i am going to cut this short...i found out this evening i need to be on the other side of the state tomorrow morning -- which means no pilates consult for me.  :-(  but i did reschedule already for wednesday.  yay me for committing to exercise!

 i will catch up on your blogs tomorrow.  (last night took me almost 3 hours!) but i have to say i am not surprised that amy w. has a skanky disposition like me.  for some reason i had that feeling.  could it be the toe-pointing, hands on hips seductive progress pics that gave it away?.... lol.....

if its monday...

that must mean it is support group night!  yay!  i actually had a dream last night about support group.  i was frantically trying to get there and reach someone from the group by phone.

today i went to a gym by my office and have an appointment for tomorrow for a free session to try out pilates.   i am hoping that i can physcially do it.   if so, i plan to sign up for some private sessions to get going.  i find that i am more responsible to other people than myself... i will keep an appointment with a trainer as opposed to trying to show up to a group class. 

the trainer was nice and said that if i sign up for private sessions that our hour sessions can be a little pilates and even private spinning.  i LOVE that!  i always wanted to go to a spinning class but was intimidated by the intensity and speed.   (also, the smell of the room at my old gym grossed me out when they would open the door to cool down during a session.

it is costly, but i am willing to make the initial investment right now.  i was going to buy a very nice new leather sofa this weekend but i think i will put that on hold and put some of the money towards my body.   also, i decided to go to a place by my work (35 minutes from home) because i actually have more flexibility at work than i do at home as a mom.

one more thing...i want to introduce you all to Chele/Banded Mommy.  she is new to this journey -- so go visit her!

more tonight after group...

insanity...part 2

so, last night it took everything in me to get out what i was feeling.  now i will talk about some of the things i learned yesterday at support group.

as i mentioned, last night the mental health professional was there.   so when i told my tale of woe she suggested that i needed to identify why i had a wall up at 281.5.    she mentioned possible trauma, abuse, etc in my past.  as far as i know i don't have that and i mentioned to her that i had a pretty good childhood and that my parents were always these jolly fat people.   she zeroed in on that and offered the possibility that my fat was my connection to my family and maybe by losing the weight i was scared of losing the connection with them.   that is quite possibly true.

i am 37.    i am a professional.  i am a mom.  i own my own car, home, life.  but at the end of the day my mom's approval of me is the most important.    we talk throughout the day.  if she is not upbeat when i talk to her i keep calling back until she is.    it has always been this way.   i remember about 13 years ago i was in counseling for my anxiety.   for some reason we were talking about my grandfather (the love of my life) and his impending death.    i forget how we got there but the counselor asked me what would happen if my mom and grandmother died before my dad and grandfather.    my reaction was visceral.  i just bursted into tears and hysterically cried.  i remember telling her that i had never thought of my mom or grandmother dying.   that session haunts me.  (ironically, my grandmother died about a year later and my ill grandfather lived for 5 years after she passed).

i've got mommy issues.  that is all i know.   also ironically, that was the last counselor i was ever able to connect with.  i have seen 3 or 4 different counselors since i have been back in florida (10 years).    none of them have worked for me.  for some reason most of them end up telling me about their lives in our sessions rather than helping me.

one of the most successful women in our group mentioned last night that she started seeing a counselor about 8 months into her journey (she is 2 years out).  she said the person specializes in eating disorders.   i think i may reach out to the mental health professional from last night and ask her for some recommendations.  

like she said -- i need to figure out why this wall exists because it will keep popping up even when i pass 281.5.  and i tell you what...i am not going through this head case shit the first weekend of every month as i prepare for my monthly post-op appointment.

the insanity slowly creeps back in....

i am just going to lay it all out there....i am feeling like a head case the past couple days.   how does the old saying go?  you can take the fat out of the girl but you can't take the girl out of the fat?

i kind of feel like debbie downer right now since i have new followers today.  i want to be on my best behavior and dazzle you with my success and perfect band life.  

sigh.  that's not going to happen.  lol.

at the beginning of last week i felt restriction.  i was working the band.  

by saturday night it was gone.  or was it?   i don't know anymore.

i don't remember what i ate saturday night. (old behavior -- using food like a drug.  basically blocking out the bad behavior). i do know by sunday night i had 3 dinners.  ok, 4.  granted they were all (about) 3oz and spaced over 3 hours.  but i was totally grazing.   i failed the band and it failed me.   i never got stuck.  didn't feel restriction.  nothing came back up.   and i kept going back for more. 

what else did i do wrong?  i avoided my blog all weekend.  which means i avoided reading other blogs for support.  i avoided lbt.  shit, i avoided everything.

today after some deep reflection i can say it was definitely a case of mind over matter.

why?  oh, i'll tell you why.  tomorrow is my 2 month post-op appointment which means it is --- dun, dun, dun --- weigh-in day.   last time i weighed in i was 288.  that was 3 weeks ago and it was 2 pounds down from the week before.  so if everything goes as prescribed....i will be 282 tomorrow.  well, maybe not.  why?  because 281.5 is my personal wall.  that is the lowest i have gotten with any weight loss attempt in the last 10 years.   and for whatever reason at 281.5 i stop.  and my lovely bat shit crazy self decided to sabotage myself the last couple days.   of course i did not realize this until after dinner number 4 last night (at 11:30PM)...

so what happens today?  do i collect myself and move forward.  nope.  the old behaviors kick in.  i neglect the lunch i packed for myself today and not only go out to lunch -- but i go an hour early.  i start thinking about "starving" myself the rest of the day.  so then i eat a small piece of candy to kick of my fast.   i also start to think of the old weight watcher weigh-in day tricks... laxatives, water, etc.  sigh.  

i am happy to report it is not all doom and gloom.   i did some things right.   instead of going to book club i went to support group because i knew this week the mental health professional would be there.   i spoke up and asked for help and listened respectfully when it was offered.  even if it was uncomfortable.   i am blogging.  

part of me is so mad at myself for letting this wall, this figment of MY imagination get the best of me.   i have the band.  i have the tool.   i know that during these first 6 months or so that i would have to work hard not to lose weight.  not only can easily break through my wall, i can get pretty far away from it.   but that inner bitch in me is too strong willed at times.

this post has exhausted me.... more tomorrow...

thank you all for your wonderful comments.... they really mean a lot to me.

gold stars all around...

thanks for all your support on my dating interest. work has been crazy busy this week (with a consultant from 8AM-11PM yesterday, for example) so i have not made any contact yet... i have kind of surmised that most, if not all, of my lap-band readers are straight. not that there is anything wrong with that....lol... but i am not sure how much you know about lesbians and their dating habits...but i am the anti-lesbian. no u-hauls, cats or tevas for me. so what i am saying is that a date is just a date. ok, so maybe it may be more (wink, wink)...but it is not this big pressure cooker for me because i am perfectly happy and content in my single life.

like i said, work has been crazy these past two days. jammed pack with a consultant. yesterday i did a 400 mile tour of various sites. and we have been eating out. i am trying to focus on the positives... i did not eat bad enough to vomit. my skinny jeans (size 26) still fit me tonight. i followed some rules like cutting up my food and boxing up most of my lunch. the choices were "ok" but they could have been worst. last night we were at a spanish restaurant. i only took a couple sips of wine. no bread. for my meal i did not order a large main course. instead i had crab bisque and a shrimp in lemon butter tapas. that meal alone earned me a gold star in my book! no bread. no rice. no large portion. no large quantities of red wine. pretty impressive, if i do say so myself...

and! and! AND! i actually said i had to run an errand and had an employee take the consultant back to where she was staying before dinner to so i could run to my wls support group before dinner last night. granted i could only stay for 15 minutes -- but it was so important to me not to miss group because of dinner.

i am so glad i went...did i ever tell you how amazing my surgeon's office is? his wife is the baratric coordinator/ARNP and she also runs our group. since i had to leave early she asked me to report in first. i told her i was really frustrated with how i tend to "test" the band. she said it was common. i talked about how i was really trying to focus on eating slow, etc. and i jokingly said that they need to lock in a room for a couple months before surgery and force us to change how we eat and chew. she laughed and said "funny you should mention that!" huh? well, it turns out they are talking about doing dinner lessons. get a group together and go out to eat. they will critique our eating. even have a timer on the table to show us how long we have to wait between bites. she said it takes 21 days to change a behavior and they are trying to find ways to help us. i told her "sign me up!". i mean, really, it would be so nice to have dinner with my medical team and have them help me.

tomorrow i only work a half of day and i promised the princess she could go to work with me. then we are going to get our nails done -- mani and pedi -- (i told you i am the anti-lesbian). and then it is four days of really nothing to do. it is the most wonderful time of the year -- to be jewish...lol...no obligation to see family this week. no crazy last minute shopping. no large family meals. easy peasy....

but to all my friends who do celebrate --- merry christmas!