talk about going outside my comfort zone....

yesterday was my last day at my job.  an employer i have been with for almost 7 years.  i found out i was pregnant the day i interviewed for my job.   this job has been my life for 7 years.   i have put everything i had into the job.   the decision to leave my job was heart-wrenching.  i loved my job.   it is kind of weird today to not have that position as part of my identity.  there are reminders everywhere.  only one car outside the house since i had to turn in my work-issued suv.    only 1/3 the amount of keys on my keychain since i had to turn in my truck key and keys for my offices all over the state.   my purse was lighter today because i am down to only one phone.   so everything is just uncomfortable...from looking out at my car to holding my keys.   it is all i have known for 7 years.   and now...POOF...it is gone. 

but the time was right to move on.   the opportunity in front of me is the right one for me.   it is a going to be a lot of work.  a new challenge.  it will also be less money which will be an adjustment for the princess and i.    but most important to me is that i can be out of the closet at this job.   100%.  not just to "some" people.  i am starting this just with authenticity on my side.   it is fucking amazing.

i begin my new position on monday.   one of the things i am sooooooo looking forward to is the opportunity for a fresh start.    a new body.  a new professional outlook.  at my old job i was seen as "intense, intimidating and tall".    beginning monday i can be whoever i want to be.... and i really just want to be me....a professional woman who can stand to lose a few pounds but who is confident and polished.   who does not feel the need to overcompensate for her appearance.  who does not feel like crap physically all the time.  

i talked about this in therapy yesterday.  this is a big thing in front of me.  i need to stay focused.  i need to keep my addiction in check.  and that is the challenge facing me.   i do not have my drug of choice anymore -- food.   i need to cope with the challenges appropriately.    my fear is that if i can not cope i will lash out or react through behavior...which will lead back to my work reputation of being a bitch....which is what i do not want.   so the therapeutic plan is for me to not date, not be around toxic "friends" or situations...to stay focused on my job and family.  at least through the summer.   my therapist said i need to be pragmatic in my approach.  focused and on task.   i feel like i can do that.  i think if i work hard to maintain behavioral control it will help me not relapse with my weight loss, nor get into situations that are not healthy for me or will be frustrating -- like dating someone who is not healthy....so that part of my life is on hold.  i am also making some other appearance/behavioral changes.  i will be stepping up my wardrobe for this new position and plan to wear dresses and pantyhose at least 3 out of the 4 work days every week.

i am so excited for monday.   ready for this next chapter of my life.

here is a picture of me at an event at my former job about a year and half after i started and then a picture of me on my last day.

My Therapist

those bloggers here who have spent time with me know that i start every 3.5 sentences with these words...My Therapist....

well....My Therapist has left me.  left florida.  left her practice.   she had to and i understand her personal reasons.   but it does not make this any easier.  

recently i did a gratitude list as homework for a session.   the top of the list was "My Therapist".  i am glad i did, because i was able to tell her that to her face.   i told her, somewhat emotionally, that she saved my life and i really believe she did.     the band, nor my surgeon, did not save my life.  the band is a tool.   she gave me the strength and clarity to work the tool and live beyond the weight loss.  she called me on my shit.   she did not let me big personality run the show as it has on-and-off for the past 20 years of therapy attempts.  

with that being said....i do not believe my therapy work is done.  and neither does she.   so she has passed me onto a colleague who she trusts.   (she also bugged me until i made my first appointment with the therapist because, as she pointed out, i was probably rationalizing quitting therapy...and she was right).   so, i met with My Therapist Part 2 this week.   she is good.  she is nice.  she is feeling me out as much as i am feeling her out.   she is committed to the long term plan My Therapist and i originally laid out.   i am not sure if she is strong enough to over power my bullshit and call me on it but she did ask me to tell her what worked best with My Therapist and i think i need to ask her to call me on my shit more.    we will see where this goes.   i also want to go on record as saying that the only other therapist that i had in my life who was getting somewhere with me "left me" for very similar personal reasons....my dumb luck, huh?

in other news...i am really run down this week.  it is my first week back at work after my gall bladder surgery.  it is also my first week of my two week notice and as such my co-workers and employees are literally sucking my brain out of my head since seven years ago when i started none of the structure that we have today, their departments, their jobs existed.   it is exhausting.    it is also somewhat sad.   this job has been a big chapter in my life.   i found out i was pregnant the day i interviewed for my job.   i work for not just a government but a people, a community, a culture.   you don't do what i did for almost 7 years with/for them without getting attached.   tomorrow i am traveling to tell some of the elected officials personally of my plans to leave.   each conversation is hard. 

add to that the fact that my new job is already heating up...i was approved at a public meeting this week by the elected body (kind of exhilarating to be at that level of professional position in my career...the fact that i am voted on... btw), i have been contacted by some people at the new job regarding future projects, etc.     and of course, i have the usual stuff of being a mom (the princess was bitten by our dog as i was running out to be voted on...talk about working mother guilt that night....), dealing with a biting dog who now has a stomach virus, trying to lose weight and...yes...and, i have met "someone"....not going to say too much right now about that....we'll see...

the picture is what i wore to the public meeting when i was approved for my job.   it is from the post-surgery day kohls shopping trip.   i love it.  it is me.  heidi.  in a size large vera wang dress.   yep.   excuse the proportion of the picture....the princess took it so it is coming from a lower position and, in my opinion, makes me look kind of drag queen/amazon-esque.  

Today....

today has been a total "OMG" and "wow" day.....

first let me say THANK YOU so much for your supportive messages to my mommy and friend posts.   I am really reading your comments and thinking about them.  i want to respond back about them and at this point will not be able to do it until this weekend (which could be fun because i will most likely be hopped up on painkillers all weekend after surgery tomorrow....).  i am also going to work hard to figure out rosh hashanah and chicago....i need to be with blogger friends.

but back to today....a year and 20 days ago i blogged about my annual review at work and wrote this:

i also had my annual review this week. my boss basically told me that he is going to mentor me to take over his position in about 2 years (he is out of his 3rd or 4th retirement and in his 70s). this would take me from department director to a city manager/ceo position. the goals and benchmarks he laid out for me were quite high and significant. he also wants me to commit to major executive management training at a national level to make me more prepared to take his position.....you put these two upcoming "changes" together -- weight loss and job -- and i have a pretty big year or two ahead of me. lots of goals. lots of self-improvement. lots of other people's expectations to meet. the truth of the matter of it is i know that i will emerge on the other side of two years looking a like a new person inside and out. wow. kind of scary. but exciting at the same time.

i went to the executive training in June.  it was tough.  fucking tough.  i was a whole analysis of your personality, your leadership style and feedback from your boss, co-workers and employees.  it literally tears you down.    while there i had an emotional moment where i realized that it may be time to move on from my job.   the relationship i have with my job is complicated and one day i will be able to write more about it...but nevertheless i had this moment at the executive training where i realized that i need to move on.

there was only one job i wanted.  only one job that could shake me out of my comfort zone.   and today i was offered it.  i can't say too much yet....but while it is not a city manager position it is over 5 departments (i am currently over 2) and it puts me in the right size city to grow and directly under the city manager.   and today when he offered me the job he made it very clear to me that he was open to grooming me for his job until he retires in a few years......  it is less money and i will lose a lot of perks (like an SUV my current employer gives me), it is a 4 day / 10 hour work week which will be a challenge to this solo-mom and i can no longer coast by on my personality/institutional history like i do at my current job and work when i want and where i want---i will have to WORK.... but it is totally what i want.   i can be out of the closet there (and already am).  i can look towards my career future (which does not exist at my current job). 

AND AND AND never ever ever ever again will i get on an elevator and have to hear "oh! i didn't recognize you!" or "how much weight have you lost?" or "you look so amazing.  how do you feel?"  "how much did the surgery cost?" "can you really eat that?"  or walk into a room and have everyone stop talking and stop to look at me when i wear something new that fits right....ok, i may miss those showstopping moments.... but, damn it, i will no longer work somewhere where i used to be fat.  

i had a great conversation with my mom today about the new job.  she even pointed out that i need a change because of the weight loss i am a different person and ready to take on new challenges.   it was great affirmation from my mommy.

OH MY FUCKING GAWD.   i can't believe that what i only dreamed about being a possibility last february is happening..... wait.  i can believe it.   i made it happen.

now i have to figure out when to tell my boss (and THAT will be heartbreaking)...between surgery, my medical absence next week, etc.  sigh.  and i need to tell him so the city can call and finalize my background check.  
wow.  just wow.

weird.

while nothing traumatic happened today....i feel like, as i sit here quietly reflecting on the day, that it was a roller coaster of ups and downs.   

the morning started out with a mammogram.  a couple weeks ago i felt something in my left breast.   my nurse practitioner at the obgyn felt it at my annual exam the same week and thought it could just be dense breast tissue but sent me for a mammo anyways.   i found myself all morning chanting in my head: "i can not die.  i am my daughter's only real parent.   i can not die.  i am a mom".   i am not sure who i was chanting to.   God.  a Higher Power.  Myself.   The Wind.  i am not sure.   but i emotionally exhausted myself.    my mammo was negative and there were no concerns.  i am good to go for another year.   it was not until later when i read the report that i actually laughed.  it says: "There has been interval decrease in size of the breasts compatible with interval weight loss".  LOL.  there was not conversations about me losing weight.  there was no scale.  i guess the two deflated water balloons at my waistband gave it all away!!!   as i told a friend today....should the need arise, i could tuck my boobs into my pants if needed.   seriously.  it is a good thing i can now tuck in my shirts and wear a good belt.   because now i have something to tuck in,  my boobs.  lol.

after the mammo i went to the mall.  i had a 40% off coupon and wanted to get a jacket at the Gap.  i didn't get it.   i didn't get anything.  everything looked sloppy on me.   it was weird.  not to buy anything because the larges were sloppy on me.   i was bummed.  but i wasn't.  just a weird feeling.

next stop was my department's holiday party.   i am a department director and we were sharing our party with three other departments.   the luncheon was at the Improv.    as department director i had to put on my hostess face and mingle with everyone.   i actually enjoyed that part as i have career threads back to the other three departments and it was just great seeing former employees and co-workers i never get to see anymore.   due to the nature of these departments most are men.   good ole boy blue collar men.  i love them.    they were cute.   most have not seen me for a while so there were lots of kisses and hugs and quite a few "ma'am, is it ok if i tell you that you are looking great?".   so cute.    in general terms, i can say that the women fell into three categories.... the fat ones avoided me.   the thin ones were all over me.   and the third category i will address separately below as it is one specific person.    but back to the first two categories... first i HATE that i am now the person who could possibly make an overweight person feel bad.  really.  because for my whole life i was on the other end.   but one of the thin ones said something that gave me pause for thought....we had greeted each other when she arrived.  and later when we were all eating she got up and came across the room and whispered to me: "i don't know if you get tired of heating this but i just want you to know that you really are looking great."   and i told her "thank you.  and no, i don't get tired of hearing it".   i know i sound so fucking full of myself here.   but in that moment i made a commitment to myself to embrace the attention.  enjoy it.   i deserve it.  it makes me feel good.  and it is about damn time i feel good about myself.   

so...the specific woman that has sent me to my blog this evening is the woman who talked me into not only having the surgery but directed me use my surgeon.   she is the woman that saved my life.   she is not only an employee but also a constituent for the government i work for.   in the summer of 2009 i ran into her at a council meeting and complimented her on her weight loss.   it was during a lunch break from the meeting and she told me to grab my lunch from the line and go sit in the hall with her.   and sitting there in the hall she told me she had surgery.   i told her how i looked into surgery before and was not sure if it was for me.  she told me to do it.  just like that.  she told me she did because her son wanted to do it and she was scared of him dying.  they did it together to save their lives together.   she told me to call my surgeon.  to use her name.   i don't know why, but i listened to her after avoiding this surgery for 4 years.  she is the woman who saved my life.     i have told her this many times over the last year.   the last time i saw her (a couple months ago) she told me she gained 40 pounds.   i didn't think she looked like it then.  today, i noticed the gain.  it is so much more.   i am sad.  i am scared.  i know.  i know.  i know just because she has gained weight does not mean i will.   but....sigh.  what a fucking mindfuck.   seeing her today.   nevermind, the uncomfortable greeting between us.   how i felt her eyes on me the whole time i was working the room.    the little voice in my head has already told me that i should go out to her community in the next couple weeks and visit with her and give her the strength that she gave me.    i owe that much to the woman who saved my life.  

i have to interject here that i am also happy that my holiday season obligations are now over.  hannukah has passed.  i have hosted three parties in my home.  hosted my work party.   and i am done.   done.  done with the socializing.  done with the food.  just done to enjoy the next couple weeks without many obligations.

tonight i ended up back at the mall.   the princess wanted to go to Stir Crazy and make her own dinner and i was in the mood for ahi tuna anyways.   then we went to old navy.   i got a couple sweaters.   then i bought myself faux uggs at Skechers.   i am still not sure why i did that.  they were only $30.   and they are kind of cute.  but i am 38 years old and live in florida.  lol.    the princess walked off with a new sweater and a pillow pet (unicorn to go with her panda). 

speaking of dinner... i have some crazy restriction going on right now.  not sure if it is from some work stress or the cold weather but i am tight.  not too tight but very much at a sweet spot and aware of the band doing its job. 

just a weird day.  like i said, nothing traumatic or crazy....just a lot of swings in my emotions.   like at times the weight loss is so dominant in my experience and at other times it is so far removed from what i am feeling.  

new boobs, new boots and a cute waitress

this is going to be quick and dirty....because i can barely sit up straight from the excruciating pain in my back.

my birthday in bullet points:

• surgeon thinks he can get insurance to cover my breast reduction and the cutting off of my stomach apron (i forget the medical term...starts with "P").  
• i would then cover the minor "tummy tuck" part since my insurance will be paying for the anesthesia, etc.    the tummy tuck will pull everything tight.  and then maybe Amy W. will leave Heather for my killer abs.  whatevah.
• he showed me pics of someone who had deflated and long hanging boobs like me.   she now has a nice perky C cup.  i can totally live with that after years of lying about being a DDD when i am really bigger.
• he is willing to break his "3 months" after goal weight rule for me.  i could barely sit unsupported on the exam table because my back hurt so bad this morning.    he wants to get close to my one year lap band anniversary date at the very least.
• insurance could take up to a month to approve.   then you usually get a 3 month time frame for the approval.  this puts me close to my november anniversary --- so the good lord willing and the crick don't rise i could be "fixed" anywhere from thanksgiving to xmas.
• my arms and thighs need to completely deflate (3 months after goal) before he will do them.
• i like the idea of a surgically conservative plastic surgeon.   his office is close to south beach and i think he is a rarity in this arena.
• he got me an appointment with his brother the chiropractor tomorrow.  which will help with this pain that left me in tears in the bloomingdales dressing room tonight and help with insurance documentation.
• once he saw a picture of the princess he started talking about making an arranged marriage for his 7 year old boy and her.  funny.
• he got chocked up.  silent.  disbelief when he saw my "before" picture.  when i could finally speak he said "you and Dr. Bass saved your life".
• my upper staff took me to PF Changs for lunch today.   our waitress was gorgeous.  like a perfect mix between betty page and veronica lodge (archie comics).   gorgeous.  silver eyes.  black curly hair.   red lips.  i think i am going to PF Changs again next week.  lol.  without the staff.  lol. 
• staff got me a disney gift card for my birthday.   they do it every year and every year i am thrilled.
• my boss and his staff gave me a surprise hello kitty cake at the office.   lol.
• spent the evening at the mall with the princess.  i went on a major shopping spree.  the new DKNY perfume i have wanted.  three new sweaters, a shirt and a dress and new brown boots.   shopping therapy.  needed it.

and finally, i had a major emotional freakout and breakdown today.  i will address it another day here.  i need to get it out.  long story short...if i am going to blog about new beginnings and coping skills ---- i might want to read my own blog and learn from it.   if i am going to talk about honesty and integrity i may want to consider not trying to control the access to that honesty.   if i am going to bust my ass all year to make it to my 38th birthday i may want to act like i am 38 and not 14. 

and one more thing... i just need to get this out.  the pain is overwhelming.   last month i could walk the mall for FOUR hours, if not more.  tonight i could barely do 2 hours.  these last 20 pounds have pushed my body to this place of pain.   here it goes:  i did not lose 160 FUCKIN pounds to be almost crippled by the end of the day and to have to avoid certain fashion styles because of my skin.  whew.  done.  thanks.

good night.  sweet dreams.  i am off to pop a pain killer.

like i could *ever* be in the closet....

i was back in tampa this week for work.   part of the trip was a site visit out to my favorite project.   as all the sissy old straight men climbed into the air conditioned truck, i grabbed the gator (cross between a golf cart and an atv and great for off roading) and the new guy and decided to see the natural side of florida the RIGHT way.   it was so much fun.   we rode around about 800 acres for a couple hours.  got up close with some cows (real picture to the right) and even came across some wild hogs.   fun, fun.

before i went to tampa i had a meet and greet/date with bachelorette#1.    it went really well.   we met up at a starbucks and talked for a couple hours.  we mostly talked about books -- which is such an aphrodisiac to this geek.    i did come out to her about the surgery.   what happened was...my surgeon's office had an open house earlier in the evening for the new bariatric support center they opened up.  it is a satellite office to meet with the nutritionist, buy bariatric specific shakes and vitamins and where we will hold our support group meetings in the near future.  very nice.  so i told bachelorette #1 over the phone that i was going to an open house at my doctor's and i would see her after that.   i am a very bad liar.  i wouldn't even say that... i just lack a filter about the truth and real world that i don't think to lie or bend the truth.  so of course, once we met she was kind of curious of why i would go to an open house at my doctor's.... so i told her what kind of doctor it was and just explained that i am very involved in the office going-ons because of support group and it is important to me.   it went over so naturally and casually.   she mentioned that she had a friend who had bypass surgery and gained a lot back "because she didn't have support".  (does anyone else find themselves being told a lot by others about all the people they know who "failed" at this?  i don't think it is mean spirited...i just don't think people realize that even us successful folks live with an eternal fear of "diet failure"...).  she did ask me how much i lost -- i told her 140 told and about 80 since surgery --- but i was able to find my filter and NOT pull out my 373 picture on my first date.  lol.

bachelorette #2 --- who i am meeting on saturday but have been talking to on the phone -- also knows.   we were talking and she asked me why i was single for so long.  i mean, seriously, i could understand that curiosity...she has this fabulous skinny bitch on the phone and it just doesn't make sense...lol...kidding.    so i told her that i put myself on a hiatus while i focused on myself after weight loss surgery.   i knew she would most likely be ok with it since earlier in the conversation we had already established that we BOTH had dated the woman i mentioned in a previous post who had weight loss surgery.   (the jewish lesbian dating pool is very small at times).    she was more than ok with it and gave me a congratulations.   she has also been sending me flirty emails all week after this conversation...so i have a feeling she is ok with this.   

it was also funny to be asked by her how current my pictures were in my online profile and to be able to tell her that they were from about 2 months ago and i weigh 20 pounds less.   you don't know how many people post pictures from 1993 in their profiles....

so everybody knows.  nobody cares.  typical narcissist letdown for me.  lol. 

tomorrow is my 8th month post-op check-up.  EIGHT MONTHS.  just crazy.  i have a feeling that this weigh-in will be below the 10 pound a month mark.   and i am already prepared to be ok with it.  i have needed a slight fill for about two weeks but have not gone on purpose.  three weeks ago i was having a lot of visceral tightness due to stress while i was in north carolina for work.   three days straight of throwing up every meal.   so i wanted to give my band some time to heal.  then with the mid-week tampa trips last week and this week i did not want to travel and be caught out of town with tightness again since the tampa trips include a lot of community dinners and me presenting to large crowds. and running out of the room or away from a table from elected official to throw up was not an option.  so...i am giving myself this past month as a "break" and look forward to be back on track by 9:30 tomorrow morning.   i just need a smidge...

it is confirmed that i am definitely an...

attention seeking Whore.  and that is a Whore with a capital W!

today was a legislative day for the government entity i work for.  i had been warned that the elected officials may have a constiuent issue i may have to address.  the meeting is over an hour away.  so as i am driving out to the meeting i have a scenario going through my head...i will be called up to the podium to "save the day" and as i turn to go back to my seat the highest elected official will lean forward and say clearly into the microphone "how much weight have you lost".  i will calmly stand at the podium, lean into the microphone and say "since i started here...115 pounds"....applause and accolades will follow.  "good job!" "keep it up!" this will all lead to the official newspaper doing and article on me.

well...let's see...the constuient was handed quickly by the elected official for that district.  i did not get called up to the podium.  and for that reason ALONE no one commented on my weight loss.   lol.  but do not think for one minute that i did not find any reason to get up and walk the loooooooooooong way around the chambers throughout the day-long meeeting.  lol.

oh well.  there is always next month.  it is not like my skinny bitch ass is going anywhere.

right now i am sitting in a starbucks killing time until support group at 7.   to think 5 months ago i would be sitting in a restaurant or bar killing time.... 

that emptiness inside.

so….today i met with the mental health counselor to start exploring why i am obese and how i am going to stop being obese both physically and mentally. it comes down to this…it is my parents’ fault. lol.

official diagnosis:  i was/am an overindulged spoiled brat. and as a result my identity has become enmeshed with my parents. i am most likely to some degree a narcissist.

here is how we got there…i started talking about my life. i explained that i have no abuse in my past. we talked about my history of weight loss struggle and obesity. she began to identify a “hole” or “emptiness” that i was trying to fill with food pretty much my whole adult life. and she zeroed in on what was already suggested to me…that food is my relationship and link back to acceptance in my family.

but as we talked some more she started to extract how much i really am enmeshed with my parents. (she used “enmeshed” as a clinical term throughout our session)

she also started to identify that i am pretty good at avoiding spending time inside myself (commando and junior – focus…don’t let your mind wander there….). she asked me what kind of activities i enjoyed… i mentioned reading, hanging out, etc. everything i mentioned apparently is “external” and does not involved facing myself. well, except blogging.

she thinks there is more that we need to explore with this “emptiness” and gave me some tools to start to identify them. i narrowed down the “worst” time for me is at night after the princess has gone to bed. i am supposed to keep a grazing/emotional eating log. when i want to eat outside of meal time i am supposed to log the following:

1. time/place/feeling

2. what is going on – ie. the precipitating event

3. i am supposed to wait 20 minutes and log what i do during that time and how i feel – ie. anxious, mad, bored, etc. here is when i should take out a special glass and drink a non-caloric drink.

4. do i still want to eat – yes or no? if yes, what am i feeling? if no, why not?

5. what did i eat?

the goal with this exercise is to eventually identify the “precipitating event” that leads to my grazing/binging.

the next tool i am supposed to start doing making a “feelings collage”. she has asked me to go get some magazines and when i am feeling empty or bored i need to start cutting out things and make a collage. i like to scrapbook and i love art and sayings, so i think i can have fun with this. she said that it is not only a tool for us to explore my thoughts, but it is a good activity to get me doing something with my hands (instead of shoving food in my mouth) and for me to start spending more time inside myself. ( seriously, junior and commando, must you go there?)

she also asked me, as long as i felt like sharing, to bring in snippets from my blog. of course the smart ass in me who wants to avoid dealing with shit is thinking of printing out the mindless posts about my boobs and poop. lol

and my final assignment for the week is to keep track of examples of where i am seeking approval or obsessive contact from my parents or other enmeshment incidents.

i have to tell you that this enmeshment stuff is weighing heavy in my heart. i know that i am not going to totally cut my parents out of my life, but she is suggesting that i need to find ways to shift away a little in order to identify myself as i go through this weight loss journey since it seems that my weight is part of my familial identity. but for me…right now…i feel like i just found out that my parents are not really my parents. what i am trying to say is, i am scared shitless to really step back and look at my relationship with my parents and shatter the perfect world i may have created in my head and begin to deal with the imperfect world inside my mind. sigh.

of course we also talked about my daughter and how i am most likely repeating this pattern with her…as my grandmother did with my mom and my mom did with me. she feels it is the right time to change the course of history. last night i admitted to my close friend that late at night i find myself not only watching the princess sleep, but her whole life i have been taking pictures of her sleeping. it is a way for me to capture the “realness” of her. it is hard to explain. but my counselor today got it and told me that i need to stop it immediately. sigh.

so, the synopsis is…i was raised by an enabling obsessive mother to be a narcissistic woman with no sense of myself who was raised herself by an enabling obsessive mother…and i am nothing but an enabling obsessive mother who has no independent identity and avoids herself by eating. and we were/are all fat. lol.

catching up on the rest of the day….

this morning i posted about my tightness. karma bit me on the ass – big time. my staff was in town today and they were so fucking annoying and ornery. don’t keep coming into my office (while i am trying to calmly eat lunch) and argue against doing what i asked you to do two weeks ago. long story short…i finally slimed/vomited at work. and today was the day. i could not keep anything down and it was a constant running back and forth to the bathroom all day. i am kind of pissed. but whatever. i had a hot drink tonight after support group and hopefully that has opened me up for tomorrow.

and of course, to add to my stress…i was left without childcare tonight. i refuse to miss support group…so the princess went along with me. i have to give that kid credit…she was an angel for the entire hour and half we were there. quiet. did her homework and read her books. such a sweetie.

support group was great. we all checked in on where we were in our zones. a lot of good information came out. did you know that we should avoid microwaving our leftovers because it dries them out – which leads to getting stuck? i did not realize that. i felt so honored – two different people reference something i had shared at past meetings while they were checking in. it is nice to feel like you are contributing to the success of others.

this post is ridiculously long, and i am exhausted. sweet and protein filled dreams to each and every one of you….

life in the tight lane...

sorry to sound like a broken record, but i am really trying to take advantage of reaching good restriction and entering the second phase of band life (between month 3 and 4).  i want this to be a time of accelerated weight loss.  

i am definitely one of those SKINNY bitches who can only get liquid down in the morning right now.  i am making sure that it is a high protein shake, even if it takes me an hour.    lunch is also high-protein and brought from home.   i am not going out to eat anymore at work unless i "have" to.  i am having no problem controlling my portions and listening to my body lately...it is the leftovers.  i take them home and find myself having 3 dinners spread over 4 hours.   not good.  so no more leftovers.   i am trying to maintain one dinner, high protein, by 7PM and that is it for the night.   otherwise it is binging/grazing/PBing/vomiting.  not good.

one minor change i have made at work is that i am no longer keeping my lunchbag on my desk throughout the day.  i caught myself grazing early last week.  now the bag goes out in the main part of the department in our refrigerator.  so far that is working.  however, if i find myself still grazing the bag is going downstairs to the break room for the whole building.

i am seeing the eating disorder counselor today.  first visit.  trying to talk myself into "dealing" with this...

and then support group.  yay...

Bizarro World Support Group

i am going to just put it out there...tonight's support group was fucked up. not good fucked up and not bad fucked up either...the new in-office nutritionist was the leader and she gave everyone two chocolate kisses. *pause for collective gasp*

yes. a bag of hershey kisses was passed around at my lap-band support group tonight. the topic was mindful eating. and we first discussed what is mindful eating. we talked about how we know we are hungry and how we know we are full. for hunger everyone said -- stomach growls, dizzy, etc. NOPE. on a scale of 1 to 10 if you are practicing mindful eating you should be at a 2 to 3 when you eat. you should be eating on a schedule. you should be asking yourself how you feel, when was the last time you ate and prepare yourself mentally to eat. for full you should be at a 5 to 6. i think with the band we are all somewhat aware of not eating to uncomfortableness.

but then...but THEN...she passed around a bad of hershey kisses and told us to each take two. she then said "go ahead and eat one..." i was watching the group....before she finished that sentence most people already had the kiss popped into their mouth. i chose not to (for reasons i will explain below). a couple other people chose not to either -- most said they did not want to open a floodgate. she then read a passage out of a book called Emotional Alchemy. the passage in the book is about raisins...but she chose to substitute it with chocolate (!!!!). she told us to hold the second hershey kiss in your hand and cup that hand with our other hand. i chose not to. the passage she read was a relaxation and then told them to put it in their mouths and feel the texture. i don't remember much because i purposely zoned out. turned out the point of this was mindful eating. the first piece they all popped it into their mouth without tasting it. the second one they all enjoyed. one woman said it was sexual. i get the end point....but i still am not sure it was the best food choice. she said afterwards she chose the chocolate because of the melting in your mouth sensation. would you bring beer to a meeting of alcoholics?

the reason why i did not eat the chocolate was because today i had my 3-month post-op appointment with my primary doctor.... the good news is that my blood sugar and cholesterol levels are going down. the bad news is that i am still technically a diabetic. i wanted to be one of those people who say "nine days after my surgery i was off all my meds...blah.blah.blah" <---- this was typed with a whiney voice.... but i am not. i am 3 months post-op and still a diabetic. my true confession is that i stopped taking my meds religiously pre-op. my commitment is to take my meds EVERY FUCKING DAY until my follow-up with my doctor in three months. i am not happy. but, whatever.

tomorrow night is another community meeting in another community....send "attention seeking whore" vibes my way so that i FINALLY will get a public shout-out on my weight-loss.  lol.

mirror, mirror on the wall...

thank you for sharing in my joy yesterday of getting past the Southwest blubber police. i don't want to mislead anyone and have them think that i am walking around always delusional and all rainbows, chirping birds and singing mice. i am still struggling with the brain vs body thing.

i have always joked that i had undiagnosised Body Dysmorphic Disorder -- i always saw a thinner person in the mirror than i really was. i wonder if that image is flipping. i feel fat lately. really fat. i keep taking progress pics and i don't like them. am i being inpatient? maybe. i don't know. i just know i feel fat. and quite frankly, let's admit it...i am. i may have lost 100 pounds -- but i still have over 100 to go...and my body looks that way...

i also think i need the other 1/2cc of fill that i did not take before my cruise. i am eating much more than i should.  not an obscene amount...but more than i should. i did find myself thinking yesterday that "maybe" i will wait until monday for my fill so i can eat some "special" things this weekend. not good. i know i am not in this to deprive myself -- but at the same time i can NOT start manipulating the band.

on another note...muscle milk light protein shakes are NASTY.  pure evil.  when i got into town yesterday i went to the grocery store to get a 4-pack of shakes to get through this trip.  they did not have my EAS AdvantEdge so i bought the Muscle Milk Light.  NASTY. i ended up giving the other 3 to a homeless man a couple blocks from the grocery store.  i did not have time to go find my EAS shakes until after yesterday's meetings.   but i will never buy muscle milk again.

today i am flying back home...so, one more rendezvous with the Southwest blubber police...i was listening to Rosie Radio on Sirius yesterday and people were calling in about the airline issue. Rosie was taking the stance of that Kevin Smith is in denial about how fat he is. the portion of the show i heard there happened to be two calls -- one from a gastric bypass patient and a lap band patient. the lap band woman was sooooooooooooo nice. she lost 200 pounds overs two years and recently invited an obese person to sit with her (and even offered to take the middle seat) and put the armrest up for the woman because she remembered how it felt to be obese on a plane. i hope that i never forget my obese self and remain kind.

yesterday i was at a community meeting.  ironically, i have not been in this particular community since my 4th day post-op.   i got a lot of feedback on my weight...including from the elected official over dinner.   while no one asked during my presentation...my attention seeking whore-ness left the meeting satisfied...

ch-ch-ch-ch-changes....

things have been crazy -- but good -- here this week.  

after my 3 month post-op checkup this week, i passed over that threshold and came to accept that i really am going to lose weight and that the next year or so (weight-loss) wise is going to cause a lot of changes.

coincidentally, i also had my annual review this week. my boss basically told me that he is going to mentor me to take over his position in about 2 years (he is out of his 3rd or 4th retirement and in his 70s). this would take me from department director to a city manager/ceo position. the goals and benchmarks he laid out for me were quite high and significant. he also wants me to commit to major executive management training at a national level to make me more prepared to take his position. and true to his word, the rest of the week we got right down to business on me gaining new responsibilities -- including taking control of the policy issues in another department. fortunately, it is just policy and structure and not personnel. the human resources part of being a department director is the part i like least about my job. i have high expectations of others and their behaviors and get annoyed easily with laziness, stupidity and lack of teamwork. and with the weight-loss control going on right now i am not sure i would want to take on 50 plus people who would make me want to eat my band, forget about eating around it.

so...you put these two upcoming "changes" together -- weight loss and job -- and i have a pretty big year or two ahead of me. lots of goals. lots of self-improvement. lots of other people's expectations to meet. the truth of the matter of it is i know that i will emerge on the other side of two years looking a like a new person inside and out. wow. kind of scary. but exciting at the same time.

i never updated on support group this week because i am still digesting some of it and i don't doubt that eventually members of the group will read this blog. we had some bypass patients there this week and it is crazy the differences in our control points, outlook, etc. i will pretty much leave it there, because some things are just better left unsaid. also, i know my reaction is clouded by the fact that i am very intolerant of new people/situations. like if a website changes it format -- i freak out -- so all you girls who change your background weekly are wreaking havoc on my non-dx ocd. lol... back to support group... nothing too bad...but it would be like putting a vegetarian and a rancher in the same room together....both are going to walk away scratching their heads and having some wild perceptions about each other....

but true to form, on the surface all the regulars at my group were patient and tried to engage with the "others".   i will also say that there was a newly banded woman there and i felt bad that she was getting a mixed message on the journey. she actually beat me in how soon someone attended group. i was exactly one week post-op. she had her surgery thursday and was there monday -- is that 4 days? being the competitive one that i am, i made a mental note of her beating me. lol.

regarding the clothes issues i briefly posted about....i finally understand hoochie mama fashion. i mean WHY would someone want to wear baggy clothes when they can show off ALL their deliciousness? i hated being in bagging clothes this week. you see, i thought i was organized. i spent some time this past weekend ironing my clothes for the week so i would look nice. never occurred to me to TRY ON the clothes. the problem is that the 26s are baggy but the 24s are just a little too tight. thus, my new appreciation for hoochie mamas....

i am rocking some new glasses today. you can see them in my pic up there. other than that, i am enjoying my post-fill restriction. dating/relationship (eeek! i said the word) is going well.  the princess has been sick this week and home from preschool much of the week. between me, my mom, my mom's friend and my babysitter we have figured it out...

one week and i will be on the cruise! yippee!

support group recap

so...remember my incident with the nutritionists? well, this past monday at support group we were introduced to our very own in-house nutritionists. yay! two young and knowledgeable ladies. sharp. let me tell you...sharp. we all shared a little with them and some veterans brought up concerns about introducing carbs back in during maintenance and how they are scared. the west coast nutritionists started asking us questions about how much we know about carbs. apparently not a lot. she pointed out that yogurt has upwards of 20g and we should only be getting 35g a day. that was a huge wake-up call for those who depend on yogurt for their protein. i personally can't stand the shit. but it was also a wake up call for me too. she encouraged all of us to go back and write everything down. count proteins, calories, carbs and fat. not so much to hit/avoid a certain number each day -- but to get a better grip on what we are actually eating each day. so i have been logging my food and water intake all week. (yay me!)


they also brought in one of those fancy dancy scales that tell you your fat content, etc. my fat content was 51%. yikes! i think she said we should be 20 or 30% -- i can't remember. not worried. i am obviously working towards that.

overall it was a great session. everyone reported about being in the green with their eating. a couple of us talked about being in the yellow with our heads. i shared how the plastic surgery lecture FREAKED me out. the bariatric coordinator was very empathetic to that. some of the veterans who had had plastic surgery already shared with me their reasons. such a great group. you all should come to florida for a long weekend and go to group with me one day. lol.

this week has been super busy.  i was in a charity poker tournament on tuesday at my folks' house.  this was only the second time that i played poker and i came in 4th place!  my dad plays ALL the time and he was 3rd so i feel really good about 4th! 

work has been shitty.  nothing terribly wrong but i hit a brick wall and it just frustrates the hell out of me.

really haven't exercised this week. i ran out and got the water bottle amy w. recommended and have been pretty good with my water. yesterday was a bad water day for me and i paid for it dearly this morning with constipation. lesson learned. got it.

tonight i have a date -- we are going to a small downtown jazz night where they keep the galleries open late.

this weekend the princess and i are joining friends in the Susan B. Komen walk.  i think it is 3 miles.

monday is my 3 month post-op appointment.  for some reason it is a week early.  i think i am going to get just a 1/2cc fill because i feel pretty restricted but could use a little more but do not want to go crazy before my cruise feb 11.   it is hard to believe that this journey is only 3 months in.  it feels soooooooo much longer and somedays i forget about the band, the surgery, etc.   it is so a part of me right now.

MIA

busy week thus far.   happy it is almost over.  working hard on not eating through work stress.  so far so good.  yay me!   i have brought my lunch everyday and have resisted not only offers to go out to lunch but even brought my lunch to a working lunch meeting where they catered in.   funny how we worry that everyone is going to judge us for eating differently and no one gives a shit.  lol.

i still need to do my post-support group blog update.  great meeting on monday.  hopefully tonight i will actually sit down and do it.

happy birthday to amy and happy anniversary to amy w!

gold stars all around...

thanks for all your support on my dating interest. work has been crazy busy this week (with a consultant from 8AM-11PM yesterday, for example) so i have not made any contact yet... i have kind of surmised that most, if not all, of my lap-band readers are straight. not that there is anything wrong with that....lol... but i am not sure how much you know about lesbians and their dating habits...but i am the anti-lesbian. no u-hauls, cats or tevas for me. so what i am saying is that a date is just a date. ok, so maybe it may be more (wink, wink)...but it is not this big pressure cooker for me because i am perfectly happy and content in my single life.

like i said, work has been crazy these past two days. jammed pack with a consultant. yesterday i did a 400 mile tour of various sites. and we have been eating out. i am trying to focus on the positives... i did not eat bad enough to vomit. my skinny jeans (size 26) still fit me tonight. i followed some rules like cutting up my food and boxing up most of my lunch. the choices were "ok" but they could have been worst. last night we were at a spanish restaurant. i only took a couple sips of wine. no bread. for my meal i did not order a large main course. instead i had crab bisque and a shrimp in lemon butter tapas. that meal alone earned me a gold star in my book! no bread. no rice. no large portion. no large quantities of red wine. pretty impressive, if i do say so myself...

and! and! AND! i actually said i had to run an errand and had an employee take the consultant back to where she was staying before dinner to so i could run to my wls support group before dinner last night. granted i could only stay for 15 minutes -- but it was so important to me not to miss group because of dinner.

i am so glad i went...did i ever tell you how amazing my surgeon's office is? his wife is the baratric coordinator/ARNP and she also runs our group. since i had to leave early she asked me to report in first. i told her i was really frustrated with how i tend to "test" the band. she said it was common. i talked about how i was really trying to focus on eating slow, etc. and i jokingly said that they need to lock in a room for a couple months before surgery and force us to change how we eat and chew. she laughed and said "funny you should mention that!" huh? well, it turns out they are talking about doing dinner lessons. get a group together and go out to eat. they will critique our eating. even have a timer on the table to show us how long we have to wait between bites. she said it takes 21 days to change a behavior and they are trying to find ways to help us. i told her "sign me up!". i mean, really, it would be so nice to have dinner with my medical team and have them help me.

tomorrow i only work a half of day and i promised the princess she could go to work with me. then we are going to get our nails done -- mani and pedi -- (i told you i am the anti-lesbian). and then it is four days of really nothing to do. it is the most wonderful time of the year -- to be jewish...lol...no obligation to see family this week. no crazy last minute shopping. no large family meals. easy peasy....

but to all my friends who do celebrate --- merry christmas!

"how much weight have you lost? you are getting THIN!"

....said the guy from IT as i was passing him in the hall this morning!

then the boss of the SNL guys who i previously mentioned and i were meeting/shooting the shit. he is my partner in crime at work and he thinks i have the biggest balls in the organization so the conversation is pretty backroom with us...so i start to give him shit for not noticing my weight loss...he tells me that he has noticed and has been talking behind my back to people about it...lol.

then i walked into my archnemesis' office and his secretary (who loves me and despises him) stumbled over her words... "hi heidi, um. hey. yeah. you can go in." i am pretty sure that i did not have a booger coming out of my nose and it was the change that is becoming apparent this week in my face, shoulders, etc. it is amazing what roughly 20 pounds can do.

loving it!

tomorrow is the big day! 1st fill! it is also a very busy working mom day...breakfast meeting at 8:30 (i will have hot tea)...fill at 10...hop on a helicopter at 2PM to travel across the state...community dinner at 5:30 (i will maybe have a protein shake)...community meeting at 6:30....hop on helicopter back to south florida... while this is all going on my babysitter will be rushing from her day job to get my daughter (she has a 30 minute window to get about 20 minutes away), feed her, bathe her and put her to bed. let's hope that the stars align for all of us tomorrow!

and the plot thickens....

today i got a call from my surgeon's (florida) west coast nutritionist. his west coast office has their own nutritionist since it is not associated with the hospital here on the east coast. she went through what i was eating and was very positive and helpful with some suggestions...ie. premade shakes are less filling that powered shakes. she is very strict on the time frame but at the same time encouraging. we got to chatting and she told me that she is now handling all the self-pay pre-op consults for both coasts. (they are not set up for insurance yet). which is VERY interesting based on some of my blog readers observations. i wonder how many people were being discouraged in the pre-op consult...

anyways, she was very nice and told me that even when she needs to correct patent's behaviors that she will find some positive. she offered me her cell phone number and email address and said i can call her anytime and that when i start solids she wouldn't mind reviewing my food journals. i really commend the surgeon's wife/bariatric coordinator for her follow through.

in other news, yesterday i spent some time at work with a constituent who had his lap band surgery one week before mine. this gentleman has always been special to me. he has always offered me inside political views to help me in my job and defended me when the heat was on me. we would talk about our weight every now and then. i was so surprised and happy to see him when i walked into my final pre-op class. so yesterday we compared menus and experiences. we also lifted our shirts and shared scars. lol. if you are keeping count -- this is the second (male) constituent at work i have lifted me shirt up for since surgery. lol.

my employer is doing a donation drive for the Pine Ridge Sioux Indians. they are among the poorest native americans in this country. so the princess packed a large box of stuffed animals, coloring books and new crayon boxes from her room. she also offered up her bicycle. (i will get her a new one for her charity). i decided to pack up all my 30/32s that i was going to consign and donate them.

this weekend should be pretty low-key. tomorrow i am helping my mom at a holiday marketplace. she sells tomboy tools. but other than that we are just chilling out.

Tall

this one goes out to the one i love.... this one goes out to the one i've left behind... (did you know i used to party with michael stipe in grad school? my major is one of his pet causes...do you know what it is?)

anyhoo...a friend reminded me yesterday of some crappy stuff that happened a couple months ago after she was reading my blog about my changing physical self. so... i work in a pretty intense environment. the politics are raw. i am also the only woman department director amongst 4 other department director. and as one of those guys says lovingly (he is the director of the snl guys i talked about) --->i am also the one with the biggest balls. and of course the size of my balls really plays into the insecurity of a couple of these guys. so they are always looking for ways to undermine me. backstab me. get me out of the picture. so about 4 months ago we got a new executive above us. and as always happens when we get a new boss (we blow thru them, lol), the insecure guys spend the first couple weeks just bad mouthing me. for example, within the new boss' first couple weeks he was telling me that i come across "strong", etc. remember i work with all men. they are strong leaders. i am a bitch. of course, my work always stands for itself and here we are four months later and the only thing that has happened is the new boss has figured out how unproductive the whiners are.

so....in the course of the drama a couple months ago i stopped by human resources to chit chat with a so-called friend. at some point the conversation turned to the rough road i was having and the "issue" of me coming across strong. and very long story short...HR woman thought she was being helpful and proceeded to tell me that i was...Intense, Intimidating and....Tall. TALL? ladies, i am 5'6 1/2". i lie on everything and say i am 5'7". TALL? when she said this she tucked her chin in, lowered her voice and her hands went out to the side. TALL. i smiled. got through the converation and went home and just fell apart both privately and via email with my friends Commando and T Jr.

Of course we all know what Intense, Intimidating and Tall (ITT) mean... Intense = Too Smart For This Place. Intimidating = Too Jewish. and Tall = Fat.Large.Of a Certain Physical Stature.

i was devastated. she left me feeling like if i did not change EVERYTHING about myself i would not survive this new boss. she even suggested that when people come into my office i stay seated behind my desk so i don't overpower them. or when i give presentations i stay seated for the same reason. (and, before you say it...i can't report her. where i work is very unique and the rules of the game (HR) are VERY different).

so i started wearing scarves. lighter colors. pearls. painting my nails light pink. not that there is anything wrong with that... but i am 37. i have a somewhat edgy style and i feel like i have earned the right to be myself and not dress in a way that is not me. my dear friend, T Jr., got me into the mindset that the pearls and scarves are my uniform and it really helped me get through this hump.

so i guess i am wondering what will she say in a year when i am much "shorter"? lol.

ironically, i had to talk to the same HR woman yesterday about an employee and she was just going on and on about all the good stuff she has heard from the new boss about me and how much he likes me. she was saying she was so happy for me and relieved. by the way, i have been wearing more and more of my edgy stuff lately too. lol.

here are too all my TALL-soon-to-be-SHORT friends.... have a great thanksgiving!

more about my pulled boob...

apparently i did not pull my boob... i pulled the muscle under my boob! the discomfort got so bad last night that i went into the surgeon's at noon today and the physician's assistant confirmed that i pulled muscle above my port and my body is freaking out and there is some water collecting between the pull and the port. nothing that won't heal itself. she also recommended i wear some restriction like a girdle or spanx to keep myself together. lol. i thought i was losing weight NOT to wear a girdle!

the added benefit of freaking out over my boob is i got to hop on the scale. 3 pounds down since my appointment last tuesday! i have to say it is so nice to not fear the scale, worry about my clothing weight or the amount of water retention i have going on....

i ran into Avenue (plus size clothes) tonight to pick up a girdle tank top thingy for our trip to disney this week. on one hand it was very hard to be in there and not look at or buy clothes. on the other hand it was great to know that i am "good" on clothes for about 30 more pounds.

i came out about the surgery to "the guys" at work today. these guys all work in my department's counterpart department.... and they are guy's guys. they are often saturday night live skits of themselves. so we have been having candy wars between the offices since halloween. we keep passing this big plastic pumpkin full of candy back in forth between the offices in an effort to get it away from our respective departments. so today i went into the guy's space and said that they needed to stop derailing my weight loss efforts. one of the guys asked me what my weight loss plan was --- and as casual as can be i said "well, i had weight loss surgery two weeks ago for starters".... they were all very supportive and pleased to hear about my decision. the administrative assistant, who is new and i don't know very well, seemed to be very knowledgeable about it. she is a young girl and stick thin... i am curious about her knowledge but will talk to her more when the "guys" are not around.

i also got my first "are you losing weight?/you are looking good" comment today! i realized later on the way home i was so excited about the comment and saying thank you that i didn't mention the surgery. lol.

one more day of work (tomorrow) and then i am off on wednesday. thursday is thanksgiving lunch at my mom's and then the princess and i will do a couple days in disney. we have not been since mid-september and has been too long!

apparently i was banded...

where to start....the last 24 hours has had a lot of band ups and downs...

i am sad and ashamed to say that yesterday -- 10 days post-op -- i overate, ate something i shouldn't have and vomited/slimed/pb'd. i am not sure what happened. i have been dreaming of MEAT. and since i am not into boys, i mean the cow variety....lol. so anyways i defrosted 3 turkey meatballs. i thought if i just chewed, chewed, chewed. i would be ok. nope. 2 meatballs down and i realized i would not have to wait one month post-op to know what "being stuck" felt like. i tried to walk around the house. put my arms in the air. and when the big angry burp came i just went into the bathroom and waited. i can not puke in a toilet. the idea just does me in. so i stood in the shower and waited. and it came. all of the meat, foam and that is pretty much it. i am not too worried about band slippage because there was no stomach contractions or gagging. and i have been fine today.

i am not trying to justify what happened...but, honestly, up until that moment in the shower, i was starting to doubt there was a band in there. i know that sounds silly. but it is true.

so i got sick. i sucked on some popsicle to cool my throat and went to bed. i woke up today back on track. i had a protein shake for breakfast. lunch was business and out and remote so i had beans (the soft light brown kind -- refried?) with a little cheese to help me get past the taste. that was a MAJOR accomplishment for me even without last night because we were at my favorite authentic mexican restaurant where i usually get this wonderful dish called a Botana (nachos with cheese, topped with salad, topped with guacamole, topped with skirt steak, topped with a quesadilla). had a shake late this afternoon and a little tomato soup for dinner. and water, water, water all day.

after lunch i had a meeting with a constituent for the government entity i work for. his wife and i are friendly and former co-workers so we met at their house. we were talking business and then at the end i told them about my surgery. the man struggles with his weight and was asking me about the lap band. he thought that the port was on the outside (like an insulin pump) so here i am at a "business meeting" and i turn to his wife and ask her if i can lift my shirt up for her husband...lol... she said yes and i showed him my port scar. i am not sure if it was a high-point or low-point in my career... but the fact that his wife told me how proud of me she was for getting the surgery makes it a high-point in my lap band journey.

that has been a common response from people...."i am so proud of you...." i think it is an interesting response and i am kind of curious to know why *that* of all things is the first thing some people have said to me.

and finally, i was at my parents earlier and jumped on their Wii fit and found out i have lost 7.5 pounds since last friday. yay me.

this post has been brought to you courtesy of Commando's constant nagging....