reflections at 6 months

yesterday was my 6 month band-anniversary.   the pictures are of me one-week pre-op and of me on the eve of my 6 month anniversary. 

i know so many of you who have gone through this before had major struggles at six months.  i hear a lot about it at support group too.   i am very aware that is when the real work begins.  the weight loss has been fast and easy.   but now is the time to meld my mind, body and soul.   

from the mind stuff i feel like i am in a good position to handle things.  i have a great therapist.  i am digging deep into some issues that may have led to my obesity and i am open to the process. 

from a body standpoint i understand and work the band and i have really started to get more physically active in hopes of scaring off that common 6-month plateau.  not really on an exercise routine but i know that would not work for me.  instead i am getting out and doing "things".  this weekend alone i kayaked, danced all night, walked the dog park, went for a 3 mile bike ride and swam in the pool.   

but my soul is what i really need to work on.  what kind of person will i be when i grow up (or shrink down, in this case)?   as the layers of fat are slowly peeled away i am learning so much about myself or who i really thought i was and i may not be afterall.  i have always been someone who said she is "ok" with being different.   but in the last week i have found myself saying the word "normal" a lot.  and when you have been as different as i have for so many years, you seem to be aware (and mystified a little) by your own use of the word "normal".  

i never really had coming-out angst.  i was one of those people who adults, kids, teachers, etc always just assumed was gay.   but as i go through this weight loss and rediscovery process i am finally understanding more how confusing the coming out process may be for some people.  you spend your whole life thinking you were one way to only wake up and discover you may have been living a lie.   (don't worry my lesbian real-life friends...i am not questioning my sexuality....you will always have me on your team...barring a 3some with marky mark, of course ;-)

the next six months should be interesting to say the least.   having met my latest goal of at least 65 pounds lost by Mother's Day i am ready for my next goal.    i would like to lose 25 more pounds by July 24th.   the princess and i are going on a two week road trip around that time and i would like to have a total of 90 pounds lost under my belt before i see my cousins and relatives.   i worry that it may be a challenge, but i am up for it!  it will motivate me to move more and stay on track with the program.  it also puts me on the path to be 100 pounds down by my 38th (Jr. I actually just typed 39 --lol) birthday in mid-September.  

wishing you a day of skinny thoughts....

catching up on my tan...

i really don't know why i am not blogging lately. nothing is wrong. actually, quite the opposite. everything is great.

i am feeling good. i am active. and really the band has gotten to be such a "non-issue" for me. which is exactly where i wanted to be by now.

back in late december, at support group, we listed some long and short term goals. one of my short term goals was to hit the 50 pound mark and really own/work the band. i can definitely say at the 66 pound mark i am doing that. right now i am living my life to the fullest -- in relative terms, of course.

i bought myself a bike for mother's day.  and the princess and i have been riding everywhere.  i totally love "working on my tan" on it.  lol. 

this past weekend we loaded the bikes on the car and headed down to the Florida Keys.  There is a speciality shop down there that I like to get my bathing suits from and it was time to upgrade into suits that will not fall off me this summer.   also, they do a good bra fitting and carry top-shelf bras.   size-wise i am wearing a size 18 bathing suit and 36 bra size....i will spare you the cup size...lol...

we were able to get in a waterside/roadside picnic, a bike ride, a swim in the atlantic and a couple hours at a tiki bar.  good for my soul.

tonight is support group.  this will be my 3rd week in a row since i missed 3 weeks in a row.  i have to say, i am having a hard time adjusting.   but i know i need to keep going...so i will.   since talking with my therapist about the "n-word" stuff and sitting back at group more i can tell you that they are nothing but a bunch of narcissist.  lol.  and it is annoying.  what they don't know is that *my* therapist will be visiting our group in a couple weeks as a guest speaker and she is going to be exploring the whole narcissism / food addiction connection with them.  lol. 

the princess and i have been keeping busy. here are some pics of our good times...

Me and the Princess playing "Fashion Girls".  She really likes that I am wearing more "girl clothes" lately.

My Mother's Day present to myself...a new bike!

The princess and I at John Pennekamp Park on Saturday.  I asked the creepy guy taking our picture to get all of us and our bikes that we were standing in front of in the pic....but i think he was only looking at one thing...

The princess took this of me during our roadside picnic in Islamorada (mid/upper Keys) on Saturday.  I can't say enough how much i love the Florida Keys...

Princess and me on a bench in John Pennekamp Park taking a break from our bike ride.

The princess at Gilbert's Tiki Bar in Key Largo.  I have a feeling you will be finding us here a lot this summer.

Me goofing on the actress Sharon Gless (Cagney and Lacey) at the Miami Premiere of the movie Hannah Free.  There are a series of shots where I am acting like a crazy stalker.  And one final one of my friend J giving her rabbit ears.  lol.

And finally, a real one of me and Sharon Gless.  Check out those ciggies in the cleavage!  lol

what i did on my long weekend. by shrinking mommy

so i totally underestimated my restriction this morning and ate a little after a morning protein shake...this has left me sliming all morning at work...so instead of eating lunch today i will catch-up on my blogging while continuing to slime and hiccup loudly....

i haven't blogged since friday morning for no other reason than i live in paradise and was busy working on my tan.... (excuse the blurry picture but it was taken by the princess -- but check out moi in an Old Navy dress!)

so...friday we went to a water park and walking around in my bathing suit i did not feel like i was the fattest person there.  whether that was true or not, i don't care...i felt "average".   it is one of those parks with a water playground, lazy river tube ride and two water slides.   i dumped the princess on a friend and went on the water slide.  woo-hoo!   we actually were there for 4 hours.

then saturday morning we got up and the princess rode her bike for one mile while i walked along side of her and "worked on my tan".  then we went down to the pool where i found the perfect spot for the sun in the pool and moved my legs while "working on my tan".    saturday afternoon i laid 18 bags of mulch around the outside of the house and continued to "work on my tan".  i was still on post-fill liquids but hungry so had a lot of concern over my level of restriction and whether she would ever come back to me like a long-lost first love.

sunday was pretty much a lazy day for us.   we did go visit with some out of town relatives and i got my attention seeking whoreness satiated with their reaction to my weight-loss.

monday morning we decided to get up early and join some friends and watch the space shuttle take-off.  we are about 2 hours from the launch pad but in the dark of morning we got a pretty spectacular view.   

and then last night i did something different and that is part of my therapy work...instead of going to support group, i went back to my "straight book club".  they meet the first monday of every month and i stopped going after surgery.   one of the issues we have identified in therapy is my control issues.  and part and parcel of that issue is the fact that i always find myself in leadership roles.  being in leadership roles leads to me having to sometimes censor myself and that leads to frustration and a need for an outlet.   and since food can no longer be my outlet i need to find other things for me to just relax, enjoy and participate.   i am in charge as a solo-parent at home.   i am in charge as a department director at work.  i am "in charge" in many other situations i put myself into.  so in going through the things i enjoy my therapist and i identified this book club as i am the leader of my other one.   it was nice to go back.  of course i got an amazing reaction on my "new look".  this is a real interesting group for me to be involved in.   if there is ever a real housewives of boca raton on bravo i think a couple may be casted.   i once went to a rhinestone party at a member's home and i swear there was so much silicone and botox in the room i was expecting dr. 90210 to come out of the back of the house and do a housecall.   but, hey, they love me and i love them.  

i am leaving on friday for a business trip alone in new orleans.  i know... rough life.   i am committed to hitting the hotel gym or even better walking around the french quarter briskly at least twice while i am there.   also, i canceled going to place poker tonight but kept my babysitter in the hopes i can get some things done around the house and get in an hour of laps in the pool or a brisk walk.  i hate exercise.  i hate every moment of it.  but if in the end my tan improves... i will do it.  i also plan to catch up on the blogs tonight as well.

the joke was on me...

on wednesday i noticed i was getting hungry pretty fast and eating more than i "should" so i called the surgeon's office for a fill.   i did not get a fill because i was at my sweet spot two weeks ago at my monthly check-up and BAM it was gone.  so, of course, my daydream as i drove to the surgeon's office yesterday was that i would jump on the dreaded scale and see i lost 8 pounds in two weeks...NO.  2 pound loss in 2 weeks.   not acceptable.  i was so bummed.  the PA i see could see it.  i wouldn't do my usual chitchat.  i was knocked off my pedestal....big time.  i took a 1/4 of cc fill.   she says that at this point the fills are smaller.  i hope this brings me back to where i was.  so the PA and i talked and of course she talked to me about exercise.  ugh. 

so....i left there in.a.mood.  fine, i thought, i won't go back to the office and i won't pick the princess up early...i will go home and walk the fucking 2 miles around my neighborhood.  and then maybe, just maybe, i will get in the pool and do laps.   then...i drove past a fabulous shopping center and what is better than pigging out and/or exercising...that's right -- SHOPPING!!!!!  so i ended up going into old navy in the first time in years.  i know, i know, we are supposed to be boycotting them after their jeans were so mean to Jen.  but i promise i did not even look at the jeans rack.  no instead i went into the dressing room with a 2XL dress.  came out buying an XL dress!  then i went to payless and got a cute pair of flats and then Avenue for a bolero type top to wear over the dress since the dress is a tube maxi dress.  and by that time i.felt.much.better.  and, of course, by that time there was no time to really get a good exercise in so i went to whole foods to stock up on fresh soups for the next couple of post-fill days.   and by then there really was no time to do anything so i went to pay a bill in person.  who pays a bill in person in 2010?  a person avoiding reality named heidi who weighs 256 pounds...that's who.

finally, i went and got the princess from school and we did come home and go in the pool but i basically stood in a good spot for tanning.  i did move my legs a little but not much.  

last night i had 3 small chocolate eggs that the princess brought home from school.  yeah...i stole candy from my underweight kid to sabotage my weight loss.  lol.

(please don't feel sorry for me.  i am definitely not as upset today as i was yesterday and i know it will get better)

so then i got into bed and decided to catch up on all my Ruby episodes i have been dvr'ing.   i know, she is a kooky evangelical annoying virgin -- but i LOVE her!  so the final episode i caught up on was where she was challenged to change up 5 things in weight loss journey.  the idea behind that was that insanity is doing the same thing and expecting different result.  hmmmmm.  something to think about.  and of course one of my 5 things is to exercise and make it part of my routine.  i am still not sure what my other four things are but will think about it some more and most likely blog about it.

it is another day in paradise here.   the princess and i are going to a waterpark today with other lesbian families.  but first i am taking clothes to the consignment store.   i have been doing great with my consignments.  so far i have been able to walk in and "buy" new clothes and not had to lay out any money.   this latest trip pretty much clears me out.  i am at that awkward stage where i am not yet an 18/20 but i am definitely not a 22/24.   and, babbling amy, for the record...i am bringing in 8 pairs of jeans today and that leaves me with only THREE pairs of jeans.   the horror! 

lots on my mind...

i have been pretty reflective since my visit to the mental health counselor last week.   nothing too deep....but i have allowed myself to step back and just "observe" my life and my interactions with my parents, daughter and food.   nothing earth shattering revealed.  there is definitely a problem.   but there is most likely a good solution for all involved.   right now i am still at the point that i don't want to do anything that will hurt my mom.  i know through therapy i will get past those feelings.

here are some snippets:

my mom told me that she was mentioning to someone that not only is her daughter "disappearing", she never seems me anymore because i "don't really eat much anymore".   er.  um.  houston..i think we have a problem.... lol

i have become increasingly aware, and perhaps uncomfortable, with the amount of times i call my parents a day.   and more importantly, i am realizing how much i am training the princess to do this.

step by step.  day by day.  i will worry about crossing the river when i get to it.... <--- speaking of those mantras....i forgot to mention last week that i talked to the therapist last week about being overwhelmed with the idea of not knowing what i will look like as i continue to lose since i have not been this low in my adult life.   she had the best response... i don't need to worry about that since it really is gradual and continual.  duh.

which brings me to this mind-blowing news... i jumped on my parents WiiFit this weekend.  this is the scale that is exactly the same as my surgeon's -- where i do my once a month official (and sometimes only) weigh-in.   as of yesterday i weight 258.  WTF?   when you weigh 373...when you weigh 312....when you weigh 299.... someone in the 250s sounds soooooooooooooooooooo much less and sooooooooooooooooo skinny.    my official monthly check-in is next monday but since i have to travel that day for work and won't be able to go i am going to try to get in this week sometime.

which brings me to...restriction... still have it, and i have to say that i am still SURPRISED every morning when i think i am hungry before i start and lo and behold i am feeling good with just a shake.   i do feel it starting to wear off a little.   i am able to get in a little more food but not that much.  i am not sure if i need a fill yet or not.  i think the idea of being "in the green" and in the 250s is just so foreign to me i don't know what to think...lol...

last week i was finding that i was mindlessly eating at dinner and getting stuck.  3 vomits, in fact.  it was a busy week and lots of road time so i found myself just wanting to zone out and watch tv.   and all the vomits happened on TV nights.   lesson learned (maybe).

this weekend i ate pretty much every lunch and dinner out.  i had not problems with getting stuck or even pressure in my chest.  i find it interesting to observe that i am better at monitoring my intake when i am in public with people.    i also have soooooooooooo many leftovers for the week.  yay!  lots of diversity and i won't just go to the safe stand-bys of cottage cheese or fish.

on saturday the princess and i did a charity walk with our dog and a group from my wls support group.  it was a little over a mile and we had fun.  you can see by the picture that my dog likes to stay anonymous on the internet.   

afterwards the princess, dog and i went to my favorite "eat-outside" restarurant in the gay ghetto.   while sipping my red-pepper gouda soup i easedropped on the two women at the next table.   one was going on and on about going to "women's night" at a local gay bar and how all the women were either super-butch (manly in straight terms) or "50 pounds overweight".   so now knowing and accepting that many people should really weigh 140 and that is not a sign of anerexia (lol) "50 pounds overweight" to this skinny bitch (not the good kind of skinny bitch that i am) is still under 200.   damn.  that pissed me off.   so when she started making goo-goo eyes at my dog i pretended not to hear her.  mature, i know.  but i was just so let down by the image obesssed gay community i live in down here.  

in addition to the group walk, i took my parents dogs to the dog park yesterday and borrowed my mom's bike (a grandma 3-wheeler that i secret covet) and rode with the princess for a while.   just don't tell me i exercised and we will be ok.  lol. 

tonight is support group.  i think it is the mental health counselor that checks in with us once a month.   more later...

tranquility? really? me?

i have noticed that i have been very peaceful internally and externally lately. this is something my wannabe punk rock, badass anti-establishment (in my mind) self is not used to. it is especially apparent to me late at night.

my nighttime ritual for-evah has been to put the princess to bed, make some ridiculous dinner (tortilla chips with melted cheese and guacamole or eggs, feta and breakfast meat were always my favorites), eat dinner in bed, roam the internet mindlessly and watch bad reality tv or tabloid news. i have had to sleep with the TV on since i was in high school.

this past week i have noticed that i am not even sleeping with the TV on. and except for the highly euphoric trifecta of thursday nights -- rehab/runway/housewives -- i am not even putting the TV on most nights. by the time the princess is in bed at 7:30 i have eaten my small dinner, cleaned up the house, organized for the next day and settled in with a book. i am reading until about 10 or so and going right to sleep with no TV on.

this is just crazy to me and i can't help but attribute it to my lack of attachment to food nowadays, my sense of not needing to avoid the "fat" issue (since i know it is going away) and a general sense of just feeling better.

i have been pretty faithful to my mantra of family.health.career this week.   it has helped me to stay focused and say no to others and myself much easier.

i have taken a baby step towards exercise. i bought the princess a bicycle. didn't buy myself one yet...but i know it will happen in the next couple weeks.

today is a lazy day at home. started a new book. just got back from the princess riding at the park. tonight is ladies game night and tomorrow i am going to the renaissance festival.

also, i finally made contact with the LMHC that gave the intuitive eating lecture at my support group a couple weeks ago. i am going to start sessions with her this week. i think i am ready for it now.

peaceful and tranquil saturday to you....

5K-- no whining (out loud)

yesterday the princess and i did the susan g. komen walk with some friends.   i did the whole thing pushing her stroller.  good stuff.  i can honestly say that i left the event without the desire to say "next year i am running this".  i have no interest in running whatsoever.  

my restriction is gone, baby, gone.  fortunately, i have an appointment tomorrow.  at first i was leary about getting too much restriction before our cruise...but now i WANT it.  i am sick of the self control dieting i have been doing this week.

here is a picture of us at the end of the walk yesterday.  size 2x shirt.  roomy.  did not have to do the "put my elbows in and stretch it out until the seam snaps" technique when i put it on!  i also want to point out to all you northerners.... the blue sky.  gentle breeze on the intercoastal.  my daughter in an undershirt and short skirt.    enjoy!

we are supposed to go to the dog park today but it is one of those days where the sky can't decide if it is going to rain or not.   unfortunately, i think that cold front i am teasing you about above is on its way here.  not fair.  this is florida.  damn it.

weekend wrap-up...

so...while i was making grown women cry (yes, again) this weekend...you all were blogging. i am going through the blogs right now. i really want to be a good blog-citizen and follow your journeys closely and give substantial feedback. i know how much i love to get feedback.


YAY Glee for the Golden Globes win.

lots going on here. today is a day off from work. this weekend i collected some food from various people i know and today the princess and i delivered them to Food for the Poor which has its distribution center close to my house. they are an amazing organization. i totally believe in them. they were taking the donations and putting them right into boxes on crates for immediate shipping.

i have added my name to an active list for the possibility of fostering a haitian child. a local group that i have actually volunteered (not as a foster parent, though) on and off for since high school put out a call through the gay parenting community for names of people who are interested. did you know that Florida is the ONLY state in which gays and lesbians can not legally adopt children through the state? we ARE allowed to be foster parents. we are just not allowed to adopt these children who are available for adoption and who, in some cases, have lived with us for 13, 14, 15 years. insane. unfair. and just fucking wrong. of the gay and lesbian foster parents i have known in my life -- from other parts of the country as well -- so many of them are willing to take on the medically needy kids. the kids that are hard to place. the kids that are not attractive to others for adoption. but for whatever reason, we take them. we love them. we make them whole again. but we can not adopt them here in florida. prior to becoming pregnant with the princess i was going through the process of being licensed as a foster parent. of course, my goal was to foster and lead to adoption. my mama-urge was very strong once i turned 30. i decided to not go the foster route because i knew of the adoption issues. i also knew i could "lie" and not live my life honestly (as some i know have done) to get to the adoption table. but i don't trust the state. right now the gay adoption ban is arbitrated through the courts. i want legal protection. no regrets taking the route i did...the princess is the most perfect child someone could ask for...but my heart breaks for the babies i am not ALLOWED to be a forever mom to. and, florida legislature, i think i have proven my ability to be a traditional, damn good parent time and time again in the last 5 years! ok...i will get off my social injustice soapbox.

had a good time going out and socializing this weekend.

saturday night i went to a spoken word event. i think i am going to submit something for the april event. i want it to be about weight loss. i want it to be funny. i am thinking of doing a spoof on my blogging. i have some time to work on it.

ok...enough avoiding the weight stuff....let's see. i am doing the Love Me challenge. this means i need to jump on the scale once a week. i am weighing myself at my mom's. i don't like it. according to my mom's scale i have only lost 1 pound this week. i am upset. i am seeing some "giving up" on the band and sabotage behavior creeping in. UGH. i want to be in the challenge. i want to lose weight. i am scared that i CAN'T. UGH.

but onto the positive thoughts i keep reminding myself of...my skinny clothes are getting sloppy on me. my dad gave me a great compliment when i saw him on saturday. i feel good. i know there is an end in sight.

i did go bra shopping today. i went in wearing a 46DDD and left buying two 44DD. (what would be a post without talking about my boobs?) oh and speaking of my boobs... lol... tonight at support group our guest speaker is a plastic surgeon. i know it is a long ways off for me...but i am kind of psyched. i can't wait for the boob lift i have been wanting since high school!!!

i enjoyed doing pilates and i am proud that i did it. but i do not think it is for me right now. it is not so much that it is hard --- it is uncomfortable and at 280 pounds, let's face it, i do not have the body nor flexibility that is required. maybe i will revisit it in a couple months. i know i need to find another form of exercise. but i am not sure what yet.

this has gotten long.  i am going to finish up here and go back to being a gay biological mom in florida.  lol.

random stuff....haiti, pilates, grrl drama, clothes, my boobs...

i feel like i have not posted in for-evah.   work has gotten busy after a couple months of downtime.  i can not complain.   some random cacth-up thoughts...

haiti...this has really put me in a funk this week.   living in south florida i have a lot of haitians in my life.  be it friends of mine, friends of my daughter, co-workers or even my favorite cashier at the grocery store.    my daughter's little "boyfriend" at school is haitian.   i have not seen him all week nor his mom during pick-up/drop-off.  if i don't see them today i am going to try to get with the family this weekend to see what i can do.

when i was in middle school my parents brought in a nanny for me and my sister.   she was haitian and i will leave the circumstances of her coming here and her past life in haiti out of this...but i will tell you she was a loving woman.  fun.  crazy.   most nights my mom cooked dinner.  but on sundays Gigi cooked us her food.   as an upper middle class jewish kid in the south florida jewish suburbs i learned early a love of plantains, rice,  succulent meats.   one of my favorite memories with Gigi is that my parents sent her to english class at the local community school.   the classes were on the weekend and she and i would take the public bus out to the campus and i would sit in class with her.   it was so funny and cool to meet so many recent immigrants and laugh with them about our funny language.   Gigi eventually made a life for herself here and a couple years ago my dad actually ran into her at the home depot in my new neighborhood.    i have been thinking a lot about her.  about her family she left to come here -- including a daughter who was younger than me when she used to care for me.  

pilates....i had my first session on wednesday.   it was an hour.    she did not baby me.   i did everything on the machine.  there was only one thing i could not do.  it was the last thing we tried.   i was standing in front of the chair on the pilates tower and standing on the tension bar and i was supposed to push myself up and do tricep exercises.   i could not get my body weight in the air.   i am going to sign up for 10 sessions and stick with this.  i have been in some pain the last couple days.  nothing too bad.  my inner thighs.  my midsection (pilates core).

grrl stuff....i decided to give the woman i was seeing another chance.   i also decided to stop fighting it a little and just have fun.  being the control freak that i am this is a major step for me.

my size 26 jeans are getting ridiculously loose on me.   my consignment earnings will not be available until feb. 15th so i may have to go buy a pair or two myself in the meantime.   i sent my last group of jeans to the babbling amy.   let me know if anyone else can use the 26s in a couple weeks.  if not, amy, they are yours!

i have a "work husband".  strictly platonic.  but our departments are functionally related and we interact a lot.   through this we have always been close.  he is married with 3 small kids.  i am a lesbian with a small kid.  we have fun and it makes the intense stuff we deal with at work easier.   i have noticed this week that he is obsessed with my new body.  again, not in a sexual way. (and these types of conversations start on both ends).  the other day he wanted to know if i was going to lose my boobs.  so i shared with him my desire for a lift.   then yesterday i was in his office brainstorming on a project.  as i left he asked me more questions about the weight loss.   he said an interesting thing... he wanted to know if the lap band was so non-invasive why more people didn't do it.   i thought that was such a cool comment from a tall skinny guy with a tall skinny wife....especially when i read so many people getting negative comments about the surgery. 

if its monday...

that must mean it is support group night!  yay!  i actually had a dream last night about support group.  i was frantically trying to get there and reach someone from the group by phone.

today i went to a gym by my office and have an appointment for tomorrow for a free session to try out pilates.   i am hoping that i can physcially do it.   if so, i plan to sign up for some private sessions to get going.  i find that i am more responsible to other people than myself... i will keep an appointment with a trainer as opposed to trying to show up to a group class. 

the trainer was nice and said that if i sign up for private sessions that our hour sessions can be a little pilates and even private spinning.  i LOVE that!  i always wanted to go to a spinning class but was intimidated by the intensity and speed.   (also, the smell of the room at my old gym grossed me out when they would open the door to cool down during a session.

it is costly, but i am willing to make the initial investment right now.  i was going to buy a very nice new leather sofa this weekend but i think i will put that on hold and put some of the money towards my body.   also, i decided to go to a place by my work (35 minutes from home) because i actually have more flexibility at work than i do at home as a mom.

one more thing...i want to introduce you all to Chele/Banded Mommy.  she is new to this journey -- so go visit her!

more tonight after group...