so i met with monique (real name, but very white and very small) the nutritionist today. if you ask her how i am doing she would probably tell you that i should be taken to a fat farm, put out to pasture and shot. lol
she is soooooooooooo argumentative and negative. thank god i have been working on getting my head on right lately or else i would have walked out of there and called my mom crying and jumping from the top of the parking garage. instead i called my mom laughing my (fat) ass off.
let's see... when you get there they have you fill out a status check form. you have to rate where you are with following the rules...amount of protein, exercising, vitamins, going slow, etc. you rate them 1 to 5. 5 is the best.
i knew when i was filling out the form not to be honest. i kept telling myself i was asking for trouble. but i read somewhere recently about the importance of being honest with the medical team during this journey so you get the best help possible.
well...let's see....she made a big to-do about me not using their tracking sheets. they are large sheets of paper and poorly copied. and i would have to kill tress and make lots of copies if i were to use them. so carry a small and compact journal with me. "fine! don't use our sheets. but you should know they ask specific information". i pull out my cute little journal to show her the details i keep. which are both the details from the sheet and some extras i made up. she tells me just to read off the protein counts for yesterday. i mention i am also tracking the calories and fat. she wants just the protein. ok, i will admit i think i was very proud of the journal. it is something that i could never do before. i mean, i would do it for a couple days. but not for a month like i have now! and the fact that i am also journaling the time i ate and writing my general disposition or location (hungry, tired, disney, etc) is a big deal to me.
so then she starts adding up my protein for yesterday. i already knew i was at 68. the target is 70. but yesterday i was working hard on avoiding cheese so i was ok with 68. guess what she did? she lectured me on how i needed 70 NOT 68. seriously folks. i fucking suck because i did not have 2 more grams of protein yesterday. she pulled out the example of shakes and said i should get these. i tried to tell her those were the exact ones i use (EAS and Pure Protein) and she looked at me like i was a pathetic liar. then she told me to spread out my protein more evenly throughout the day. if she had taken the time to look at MY journal she would have seen that i even time stamp my food in my journal (you have seen it here on my blog). she just kept going on and on. i tried to get a couple words in. she wouldn't let me. i kind of felt defeated. so i sat back and stopped making eye contact.
i guess my 2 grams of protein deficiency was enough to throw doubt over my ability to manage my program so she starts spitting out quiz questions to me. i am taken off guard.... like what do you eat after proteins? the answer is vegetables but i was a couple seconds slow in my response because i was visualizing the exhibit i had at home AND i am not eating veggies yet so it kind of caught me off guard. so as i am saying "vegetables?" she whips out a copy of the exhibit and says "you need another copy!" i mention i am not eating vegetables yet. she says i should be and whips out another sheet...it is the mushie sheet and sample food list that i follow... NO WHERE ON THERE ARE ANY VEGETABLES MENTIONED. i point that out as a way to say that i didn't realize i could since it is not on the sheet and she just tells me to eat some cooked pureed carrots or canned green beans. i try to engage her and tell her these aren't my thing and i prefer raw vegetables like cucumbers. she tells me i can only have pureed and and with that we are onto the next subject....
exercise... on the form i filled out it asked how much i exercised last week. i wrote 5 hours of walking. she read it out loud and then i literally sat there for about 20 seconds while she looked for something wrong....because you know she already has me pegged for a pathetic liar. but if she looked at my journal she would see the walking (including disney) listed. she said i needed to walk briskly. i said that i did. and as i was saying that i also carry two 3 pound weights she did not hear me because she said that while i should be walking briskly i also needed to warm up and cool down slowly. fine, monique, you got me.
then....my biggest mistake... this is the one that i KNEW i should have lied on...but i really was seeking help.... vitamins. with my gluten issues i have to be careful with processed things like vitamins. i have some gluten free liquid ones but they are not doing it for me. so when she asks me why i put a 3 i told her all this and added that i was actually planning on going shopping tonight while the babysitter was over and figure this out at whole foods. she pulled back into her mental rolodex and lectured me on the importance of vitamins. she stressed the calcium. i told her that was the only one that i was happy with since i found a nice chocolate tasting nugget at whole foods. her response? i should try Tums. WHAT? didn't i say that one worked for me. then followed up with the lecture again about vitamins. at the point i just keep saying "i know, i am going tonight to whole foods" to which she ends the conversation by saying i should go to GNC. gee, thanks for the tip.... you could have helped me think of some solutions.
but wait! there's more! i gave myself 4s on eating slowing and chewing. as i blogged yesterday these are my goals this week. she read these out loud and tells me how important they are. i say i know and that they are my goals right now. she asked me if there was a reason i wasn't just doing these things and stated that i shouldn't have to work too hard on just doing them. thank god i have lost 17 pounds -- because it gave me the ability to bend over in my seat and pick my jaw off the floor. did i hear her right? it must be nice to never struggle with your weight and get to tell fat people that changing how they physically eat should be easy to do.
at this point i am just shut down. and she sees it. so she tried to "comfort" me by saying "i know you are frustrated by your weight loss".... and that, ladies and gentlemen, is where i lost it. just lost it. i told her i was very happy with my weight loss and since she did not have me get on the scale that morning i have no idea what she is implying. she then asked me if i wanted to get on the scale. huh? i told her that i thought she was negative and argumentative. i mentioned to her that there is a pamphlet in HER waiting room about obesity discrimination and how it quotes a study that states that a large number of health care professionals discriminate mentally against fat people and think they are lazy and that SHE may want to read that pamphlet and educate herself. and then i left.
called my mom. she let me vent. and reminded me how nice the other nutritionist was in the hospital. i told my mom that i tried to get an appointment with her but she was not available. we agreed that i will try to see the other one before the end of the year.
i am not upset or anything. the thing is, i walked in there very proud and positive and this lady's negativity got to me but it doesn't undo how far i have come in this journey.
onward and downwards...
tonight is support group. i will probably mention some of this there. i know that the nutritionists pay a visit once a month. i hope it is not tonight and i hope it is not her turn. if it is, i may have to politely excuse myself....
tonight was support group. it is facilitated by the surgeon's wife/nurse/bariatric coordinator -- T. she is amazing. just lovely. direct. smart. up to date on research. kind. tough. by the end of tonight's meeting she had half the group coming into the office this week for adjustments. they really want people to succeed.
and here i am "skinny" in 1993 -- just around 200 pounds. and i let it slip away..... i wish i knew then what i knew now.... and to think i was hiding from the camera in this picture. ugh....
