bench of reality....

i have blogged before about the "mirror of reality vs mirror of distortion".... this is my personal affliction that i still see my old self in the mirror and do not see what others see (reality) until i see a picture of myself.  until i am removed from the moment and reflecting back on it.

last night i was at a party that i frequent for parties.   i sat my sober (i swear i am going to lose these next 20 fast --- even if it means being sober) ass down on a bench.  ok.  so it is not a bench.  it is a plank of wood held up by two upside down 5-gallon buckets.   but it is the best seat in the house.  right by the door so you can see who shows up together and who sneaks off upstairs together.    while taking a picture with my friend, let's call her Kudy, last night it occurred to us two things...1.  Kudy and I sure do like to monopolize the bench and 2. my weight loss can be serialized through pictures of me and Kudy on this bench.

here is the bench of reality...

October 31, 2009 (Kudy was taking the picture)

Again, October 31, 2009 (Kudy still behind the camera)

April 17, 2010 -- Me and Kudy on the bench.  (it was a gender bending dress-up party.  she does not usually let her facial hair get so dark --lol)

April 17, 2010 -- earlier in the night in full costume.

June 19, 2010.   Kudy decided it was more important to visit family in the Midwest than sit on a bench with me.

                                                  December 11, 2010

one more time...

lest i get to full of myself here... i did get bitch slapped by a fat girl last night.   ok.  so i am bitter... she is someone i went on a couple dates with in the summer of 09.  then freaked out and disappeared.  i heard she was dating men after that.  and now she is back.  whatever.   so.... she was drunk last night and came over to talk.   and a real beanpole skinny friend walked by and she drunkenly leans into me and says: "you know what heidi, it doesn't matter how much weight we lose, we will never be that skinny."   fuck you, you fat stupid bitch.  i know she was drunk and trying to be friendly....but seriously?  you are going to try to bond with me over the fat thing?  first off, what is this "we" shit?  second off...i will...as far as i am concerned....i will be that skinny.  i was kind of pissed.  how dare she come over and bring her bad mojo to "my bench"... so i just smiled and told her that i planned to be that skinny after all my plastic surgery and that i am going to be Barbie.   then Kudy, M and I went back to our bench sitting and talked about working out while she just stood there.   like i said i am bitter.  i am over being a fat friend (that blog post has been swirling around in my head for months....).   there is so much more that i can on about...ugh.  but i just want to release it....but let me just say this....oh nevermind....stay tuned....lol.... because yeah...i hate lesbian drama, but i have a card was placed in my back pocket waiting to be played...

lots on my mind...

i have been pretty reflective since my visit to the mental health counselor last week.   nothing too deep....but i have allowed myself to step back and just "observe" my life and my interactions with my parents, daughter and food.   nothing earth shattering revealed.  there is definitely a problem.   but there is most likely a good solution for all involved.   right now i am still at the point that i don't want to do anything that will hurt my mom.  i know through therapy i will get past those feelings.

here are some snippets:

my mom told me that she was mentioning to someone that not only is her daughter "disappearing", she never seems me anymore because i "don't really eat much anymore".   er.  um.  houston..i think we have a problem.... lol

i have become increasingly aware, and perhaps uncomfortable, with the amount of times i call my parents a day.   and more importantly, i am realizing how much i am training the princess to do this.

step by step.  day by day.  i will worry about crossing the river when i get to it.... <--- speaking of those mantras....i forgot to mention last week that i talked to the therapist last week about being overwhelmed with the idea of not knowing what i will look like as i continue to lose since i have not been this low in my adult life.   she had the best response... i don't need to worry about that since it really is gradual and continual.  duh.

which brings me to this mind-blowing news... i jumped on my parents WiiFit this weekend.  this is the scale that is exactly the same as my surgeon's -- where i do my once a month official (and sometimes only) weigh-in.   as of yesterday i weight 258.  WTF?   when you weigh 373...when you weigh 312....when you weigh 299.... someone in the 250s sounds soooooooooooooooooooo much less and sooooooooooooooooo skinny.    my official monthly check-in is next monday but since i have to travel that day for work and won't be able to go i am going to try to get in this week sometime.

which brings me to...restriction... still have it, and i have to say that i am still SURPRISED every morning when i think i am hungry before i start and lo and behold i am feeling good with just a shake.   i do feel it starting to wear off a little.   i am able to get in a little more food but not that much.  i am not sure if i need a fill yet or not.  i think the idea of being "in the green" and in the 250s is just so foreign to me i don't know what to think...lol...

last week i was finding that i was mindlessly eating at dinner and getting stuck.  3 vomits, in fact.  it was a busy week and lots of road time so i found myself just wanting to zone out and watch tv.   and all the vomits happened on TV nights.   lesson learned (maybe).

this weekend i ate pretty much every lunch and dinner out.  i had not problems with getting stuck or even pressure in my chest.  i find it interesting to observe that i am better at monitoring my intake when i am in public with people.    i also have soooooooooooo many leftovers for the week.  yay!  lots of diversity and i won't just go to the safe stand-bys of cottage cheese or fish.

on saturday the princess and i did a charity walk with our dog and a group from my wls support group.  it was a little over a mile and we had fun.  you can see by the picture that my dog likes to stay anonymous on the internet.   

afterwards the princess, dog and i went to my favorite "eat-outside" restarurant in the gay ghetto.   while sipping my red-pepper gouda soup i easedropped on the two women at the next table.   one was going on and on about going to "women's night" at a local gay bar and how all the women were either super-butch (manly in straight terms) or "50 pounds overweight".   so now knowing and accepting that many people should really weigh 140 and that is not a sign of anerexia (lol) "50 pounds overweight" to this skinny bitch (not the good kind of skinny bitch that i am) is still under 200.   damn.  that pissed me off.   so when she started making goo-goo eyes at my dog i pretended not to hear her.  mature, i know.  but i was just so let down by the image obesssed gay community i live in down here.  

in addition to the group walk, i took my parents dogs to the dog park yesterday and borrowed my mom's bike (a grandma 3-wheeler that i secret covet) and rode with the princess for a while.   just don't tell me i exercised and we will be ok.  lol. 

tonight is support group.  i think it is the mental health counselor that checks in with us once a month.   more later...

that emptiness inside.

so….today i met with the mental health counselor to start exploring why i am obese and how i am going to stop being obese both physically and mentally. it comes down to this…it is my parents’ fault. lol.

official diagnosis:  i was/am an overindulged spoiled brat. and as a result my identity has become enmeshed with my parents. i am most likely to some degree a narcissist.

here is how we got there…i started talking about my life. i explained that i have no abuse in my past. we talked about my history of weight loss struggle and obesity. she began to identify a “hole” or “emptiness” that i was trying to fill with food pretty much my whole adult life. and she zeroed in on what was already suggested to me…that food is my relationship and link back to acceptance in my family.

but as we talked some more she started to extract how much i really am enmeshed with my parents. (she used “enmeshed” as a clinical term throughout our session)

she also started to identify that i am pretty good at avoiding spending time inside myself (commando and junior – focus…don’t let your mind wander there….). she asked me what kind of activities i enjoyed… i mentioned reading, hanging out, etc. everything i mentioned apparently is “external” and does not involved facing myself. well, except blogging.

she thinks there is more that we need to explore with this “emptiness” and gave me some tools to start to identify them. i narrowed down the “worst” time for me is at night after the princess has gone to bed. i am supposed to keep a grazing/emotional eating log. when i want to eat outside of meal time i am supposed to log the following:

1. time/place/feeling

2. what is going on – ie. the precipitating event

3. i am supposed to wait 20 minutes and log what i do during that time and how i feel – ie. anxious, mad, bored, etc. here is when i should take out a special glass and drink a non-caloric drink.

4. do i still want to eat – yes or no? if yes, what am i feeling? if no, why not?

5. what did i eat?

the goal with this exercise is to eventually identify the “precipitating event” that leads to my grazing/binging.

the next tool i am supposed to start doing making a “feelings collage”. she has asked me to go get some magazines and when i am feeling empty or bored i need to start cutting out things and make a collage. i like to scrapbook and i love art and sayings, so i think i can have fun with this. she said that it is not only a tool for us to explore my thoughts, but it is a good activity to get me doing something with my hands (instead of shoving food in my mouth) and for me to start spending more time inside myself. ( seriously, junior and commando, must you go there?)

she also asked me, as long as i felt like sharing, to bring in snippets from my blog. of course the smart ass in me who wants to avoid dealing with shit is thinking of printing out the mindless posts about my boobs and poop. lol

and my final assignment for the week is to keep track of examples of where i am seeking approval or obsessive contact from my parents or other enmeshment incidents.

i have to tell you that this enmeshment stuff is weighing heavy in my heart. i know that i am not going to totally cut my parents out of my life, but she is suggesting that i need to find ways to shift away a little in order to identify myself as i go through this weight loss journey since it seems that my weight is part of my familial identity. but for me…right now…i feel like i just found out that my parents are not really my parents. what i am trying to say is, i am scared shitless to really step back and look at my relationship with my parents and shatter the perfect world i may have created in my head and begin to deal with the imperfect world inside my mind. sigh.

of course we also talked about my daughter and how i am most likely repeating this pattern with her…as my grandmother did with my mom and my mom did with me. she feels it is the right time to change the course of history. last night i admitted to my close friend that late at night i find myself not only watching the princess sleep, but her whole life i have been taking pictures of her sleeping. it is a way for me to capture the “realness” of her. it is hard to explain. but my counselor today got it and told me that i need to stop it immediately. sigh.

so, the synopsis is…i was raised by an enabling obsessive mother to be a narcissistic woman with no sense of myself who was raised herself by an enabling obsessive mother…and i am nothing but an enabling obsessive mother who has no independent identity and avoids herself by eating. and we were/are all fat. lol.

catching up on the rest of the day….

this morning i posted about my tightness. karma bit me on the ass – big time. my staff was in town today and they were so fucking annoying and ornery. don’t keep coming into my office (while i am trying to calmly eat lunch) and argue against doing what i asked you to do two weeks ago. long story short…i finally slimed/vomited at work. and today was the day. i could not keep anything down and it was a constant running back and forth to the bathroom all day. i am kind of pissed. but whatever. i had a hot drink tonight after support group and hopefully that has opened me up for tomorrow.

and of course, to add to my stress…i was left without childcare tonight. i refuse to miss support group…so the princess went along with me. i have to give that kid credit…she was an angel for the entire hour and half we were there. quiet. did her homework and read her books. such a sweetie.

support group was great. we all checked in on where we were in our zones. a lot of good information came out. did you know that we should avoid microwaving our leftovers because it dries them out – which leads to getting stuck? i did not realize that. i felt so honored – two different people reference something i had shared at past meetings while they were checking in. it is nice to feel like you are contributing to the success of others.

this post is ridiculously long, and i am exhausted. sweet and protein filled dreams to each and every one of you….

ch-ch-ch-ch-changes....

things have been crazy -- but good -- here this week.  

after my 3 month post-op checkup this week, i passed over that threshold and came to accept that i really am going to lose weight and that the next year or so (weight-loss) wise is going to cause a lot of changes.

coincidentally, i also had my annual review this week. my boss basically told me that he is going to mentor me to take over his position in about 2 years (he is out of his 3rd or 4th retirement and in his 70s). this would take me from department director to a city manager/ceo position. the goals and benchmarks he laid out for me were quite high and significant. he also wants me to commit to major executive management training at a national level to make me more prepared to take his position. and true to his word, the rest of the week we got right down to business on me gaining new responsibilities -- including taking control of the policy issues in another department. fortunately, it is just policy and structure and not personnel. the human resources part of being a department director is the part i like least about my job. i have high expectations of others and their behaviors and get annoyed easily with laziness, stupidity and lack of teamwork. and with the weight-loss control going on right now i am not sure i would want to take on 50 plus people who would make me want to eat my band, forget about eating around it.

so...you put these two upcoming "changes" together -- weight loss and job -- and i have a pretty big year or two ahead of me. lots of goals. lots of self-improvement. lots of other people's expectations to meet. the truth of the matter of it is i know that i will emerge on the other side of two years looking a like a new person inside and out. wow. kind of scary. but exciting at the same time.

i never updated on support group this week because i am still digesting some of it and i don't doubt that eventually members of the group will read this blog. we had some bypass patients there this week and it is crazy the differences in our control points, outlook, etc. i will pretty much leave it there, because some things are just better left unsaid. also, i know my reaction is clouded by the fact that i am very intolerant of new people/situations. like if a website changes it format -- i freak out -- so all you girls who change your background weekly are wreaking havoc on my non-dx ocd. lol... back to support group... nothing too bad...but it would be like putting a vegetarian and a rancher in the same room together....both are going to walk away scratching their heads and having some wild perceptions about each other....

but true to form, on the surface all the regulars at my group were patient and tried to engage with the "others".   i will also say that there was a newly banded woman there and i felt bad that she was getting a mixed message on the journey. she actually beat me in how soon someone attended group. i was exactly one week post-op. she had her surgery thursday and was there monday -- is that 4 days? being the competitive one that i am, i made a mental note of her beating me. lol.

regarding the clothes issues i briefly posted about....i finally understand hoochie mama fashion. i mean WHY would someone want to wear baggy clothes when they can show off ALL their deliciousness? i hated being in bagging clothes this week. you see, i thought i was organized. i spent some time this past weekend ironing my clothes for the week so i would look nice. never occurred to me to TRY ON the clothes. the problem is that the 26s are baggy but the 24s are just a little too tight. thus, my new appreciation for hoochie mamas....

i am rocking some new glasses today. you can see them in my pic up there. other than that, i am enjoying my post-fill restriction. dating/relationship (eeek! i said the word) is going well.  the princess has been sick this week and home from preschool much of the week. between me, my mom, my mom's friend and my babysitter we have figured it out...

one week and i will be on the cruise! yippee!

the nutritionist part 2...

tonight was support group. it is facilitated by the surgeon's wife/nurse/bariatric coordinator -- T. she is amazing. just lovely. direct. smart. up to date on research. kind. tough. by the end of tonight's meeting she had half the group coming into the office this week for adjustments. they really want people to succeed.

so after the meeting i went up to T and asked her if i can vent...so i told her about my morning. the nutritionist is not on her staff. it is a separate office but linked through the hospital network. i told her about the journal, the exercise and the vitamins. she asked me if she could mention our conversation to others. i told her yes and that i am sure monique will know where it came from since i told her off. T asked (with a slight twinkle in her eye i might add) what i said... i told her about the pamphlet and how i told monique she was argumentative. she seemed pleased. T also told me that in the last 6 weeks or so she has heard other complaints. i told her that i wasn't necessarily looking for freebies -- but that the vitamin thing is really bugging me because i want to be successful and i was hoping to get some solutions this morning. at this point it was at least 15 minutes after the meeting ended and T offered for me to go upstairs with her because she had tons of vitamins. 15 minutes later i walked out with bottles of vitamins and 2 dvds to try out for exercise. what an incredible lady. i really wish her and her husband much success.

but wait! there is more! when we went upstairs another lady went with us so she could hop on the scale. there 3 of us were chit chatting and something came up about vegetables. i asked the other patient to give me some ideas for pureed vegetables since she is over a year out and she also has texture issues like me. T is in the supply closet looking for more vitamins and stops what she is doing and says "you can't have vegetables until week 6!" I KNOW i told her...and that is when i told her about monique insisting i have veggies and how they were not even on the sheet she kept pushing towards me. unbelievable, huh?

i am so glad i spoke up about this. cody, you are right...this woman can be scaring off potential patients. and that came up in my conversation with T too. hopefully some changes will come about for everyone's well-being.

thanks for your support and kind words amy, robyn and cody. at the end of the day i didn't know if i was sensitive and crazy or what.....

the nutritionist....dun, dun, dun

so i met with monique (real name, but very white and very small) the nutritionist today. if you ask her how i am doing she would probably tell you that i should be taken to a fat farm, put out to pasture and shot. lol

she is soooooooooooo argumentative and negative. thank god i have been working on getting my head on right lately or else i would have walked out of there and called my mom crying and jumping from the top of the parking garage. instead i called my mom laughing my (fat) ass off.

let's see... when you get there they have you fill out a status check form. you have to rate where you are with following the rules...amount of protein, exercising, vitamins, going slow, etc. you rate them 1 to 5. 5 is the best.

i knew when i was filling out the form not to be honest. i kept telling myself i was asking for trouble. but i read somewhere recently about the importance of being honest with the medical team during this journey so you get the best help possible.

well...let's see....she made a big to-do about me not using their tracking sheets. they are large sheets of paper and poorly copied. and i would have to kill tress and make lots of copies if i were to use them. so carry a small and compact journal with me. "fine! don't use our sheets. but you should know they ask specific information". i pull out my cute little journal to show her the details i keep. which are both the details from the sheet and some extras i made up. she tells me just to read off the protein counts for yesterday. i mention i am also tracking the calories and fat. she wants just the protein. ok, i will admit i think i was very proud of the journal. it is something that i could never do before. i mean, i would do it for a couple days. but not for a month like i have now! and the fact that i am also journaling the time i ate and writing my general disposition or location (hungry, tired, disney, etc) is a big deal to me.

so then she starts adding up my protein for yesterday. i already knew i was at 68. the target is 70. but yesterday i was working hard on avoiding cheese so i was ok with 68. guess what she did? she lectured me on how i needed 70 NOT 68. seriously folks. i fucking suck because i did not have 2 more grams of protein yesterday. she pulled out the example of shakes and said i should get these. i tried to tell her those were the exact ones i use (EAS and Pure Protein) and she looked at me like i was a pathetic liar. then she told me to spread out my protein more evenly throughout the day. if she had taken the time to look at MY journal she would have seen that i even time stamp my food in my journal (you have seen it here on my blog). she just kept going on and on. i tried to get a couple words in. she wouldn't let me. i kind of felt defeated. so i sat back and stopped making eye contact.

i guess my 2 grams of protein deficiency was enough to throw doubt over my ability to manage my program so she starts spitting out quiz questions to me. i am taken off guard.... like what do you eat after proteins? the answer is vegetables but i was a couple seconds slow in my response because i was visualizing the exhibit i had at home AND i am not eating veggies yet so it kind of caught me off guard. so as i am saying "vegetables?" she whips out a copy of the exhibit and says "you need another copy!" i mention i am not eating vegetables yet. she says i should be and whips out another sheet...it is the mushie sheet and sample food list that i follow... NO WHERE ON THERE ARE ANY VEGETABLES MENTIONED. i point that out as a way to say that i didn't realize i could since it is not on the sheet and she just tells me to eat some cooked pureed carrots or canned green beans. i try to engage her and tell her these aren't my thing and i prefer raw vegetables like cucumbers. she tells me i can only have pureed and and with that we are onto the next subject....

exercise... on the form i filled out it asked how much i exercised last week. i wrote 5 hours of walking. she read it out loud and then i literally sat there for about 20 seconds while she looked for something wrong....because you know she already has me pegged for a pathetic liar. but if she looked at my journal she would see the walking (including disney) listed. she said i needed to walk briskly. i said that i did. and as i was saying that i also carry two 3 pound weights she did not hear me because she said that while i should be walking briskly i also needed to warm up and cool down slowly. fine, monique, you got me.

then....my biggest mistake... this is the one that i KNEW i should have lied on...but i really was seeking help.... vitamins. with my gluten issues i have to be careful with processed things like vitamins. i have some gluten free liquid ones but they are not doing it for me. so when she asks me why i put a 3 i told her all this and added that i was actually planning on going shopping tonight while the babysitter was over and figure this out at whole foods. she pulled back into her mental rolodex and lectured me on the importance of vitamins. she stressed the calcium. i told her that was the only one that i was happy with since i found a nice chocolate tasting nugget at whole foods. her response? i should try Tums. WHAT? didn't i say that one worked for me. then followed up with the lecture again about vitamins. at the point i just keep saying "i know, i am going tonight to whole foods" to which she ends the conversation by saying i should go to GNC. gee, thanks for the tip.... you could have helped me think of some solutions.

but wait! there's more! i gave myself 4s on eating slowing and chewing. as i blogged yesterday these are my goals this week. she read these out loud and tells me how important they are. i say i know and that they are my goals right now. she asked me if there was a reason i wasn't just doing these things and stated that i shouldn't have to work too hard on just doing them. thank god i have lost 17 pounds -- because it gave me the ability to bend over in my seat and pick my jaw off the floor. did i hear her right? it must be nice to never struggle with your weight and get to tell fat people that changing how they physically eat should be easy to do.

at this point i am just shut down. and she sees it. so she tried to "comfort" me by saying "i know you are frustrated by your weight loss".... and that, ladies and gentlemen, is where i lost it. just lost it. i told her i was very happy with my weight loss and since she did not have me get on the scale that morning i have no idea what she is implying. she then asked me if i wanted to get on the scale. huh? i told her that i thought she was negative and argumentative. i mentioned to her that there is a pamphlet in HER waiting room about obesity discrimination and how it quotes a study that states that a large number of health care professionals discriminate mentally against fat people and think they are lazy and that SHE may want to read that pamphlet and educate herself. and then i left.

called my mom. she let me vent. and reminded me how nice the other nutritionist was in the hospital. i told my mom that i tried to get an appointment with her but she was not available. we agreed that i will try to see the other one before the end of the year.

i am not upset or anything. the thing is, i walked in there very proud and positive and this lady's negativity got to me but it doesn't undo how far i have come in this journey.

onward and downwards...

tonight is support group. i will probably mention some of this there. i know that the nutritionists pay a visit once a month. i hope it is not tonight and i hope it is not her turn. if it is, i may have to politely excuse myself....

ugh. just ugh.

so i made some calls this morning and long frustrating story short...my surgeon has not submitted any paperwork yet for insurance approval. my surgery is monday!!!! turns out they were waiting on one more form from my primary doctor. and *that* office has really disappointed me. big time. every step of the way they have been a hold-up. this form has to do with my medical history and is a supplement to the letter it took them forever to write. but they were trying to say they could not do it until my pre-op physical... which is tomorrow at 5:30. which means the surgeon would not get the form until thursday which means that the insurance conversation would not even start until thursday for a surgery on the following monday! argh.

the irony in all this is the amount of time i have spent on hold with the primary office listening to the damn recording that says -- "our practice is pleased to be a patient-centered facility which means that our patients come first with an emphasis on customer service"... HA!

this is really stressing me out. i hate paperwork. i hate dealing with unqualified customer service people. i will be reaching out to the head of the primary firm once i have my insurance approval in my hand and letting them know how they have failed me.

this is the second primary doctor's office in the last 5 years that i have seen gone from family and small into a big ass botox-pushing factory. it sucks.

the good news is the a/c was an easy fix. the repairman was not only on time he was here early and had to wait for me.