insanity...part 2

so, last night it took everything in me to get out what i was feeling.  now i will talk about some of the things i learned yesterday at support group.

as i mentioned, last night the mental health professional was there.   so when i told my tale of woe she suggested that i needed to identify why i had a wall up at 281.5.    she mentioned possible trauma, abuse, etc in my past.  as far as i know i don't have that and i mentioned to her that i had a pretty good childhood and that my parents were always these jolly fat people.   she zeroed in on that and offered the possibility that my fat was my connection to my family and maybe by losing the weight i was scared of losing the connection with them.   that is quite possibly true.

i am 37.    i am a professional.  i am a mom.  i own my own car, home, life.  but at the end of the day my mom's approval of me is the most important.    we talk throughout the day.  if she is not upbeat when i talk to her i keep calling back until she is.    it has always been this way.   i remember about 13 years ago i was in counseling for my anxiety.   for some reason we were talking about my grandfather (the love of my life) and his impending death.    i forget how we got there but the counselor asked me what would happen if my mom and grandmother died before my dad and grandfather.    my reaction was visceral.  i just bursted into tears and hysterically cried.  i remember telling her that i had never thought of my mom or grandmother dying.   that session haunts me.  (ironically, my grandmother died about a year later and my ill grandfather lived for 5 years after she passed).

i've got mommy issues.  that is all i know.   also ironically, that was the last counselor i was ever able to connect with.  i have seen 3 or 4 different counselors since i have been back in florida (10 years).    none of them have worked for me.  for some reason most of them end up telling me about their lives in our sessions rather than helping me.

one of the most successful women in our group mentioned last night that she started seeing a counselor about 8 months into her journey (she is 2 years out).  she said the person specializes in eating disorders.   i think i may reach out to the mental health professional from last night and ask her for some recommendations.  

like she said -- i need to figure out why this wall exists because it will keep popping up even when i pass 281.5.  and i tell you what...i am not going through this head case shit the first weekend of every month as i prepare for my monthly post-op appointment.