that emptiness inside.

so….today i met with the mental health counselor to start exploring why i am obese and how i am going to stop being obese both physically and mentally. it comes down to this…it is my parents’ fault. lol.

official diagnosis:  i was/am an overindulged spoiled brat. and as a result my identity has become enmeshed with my parents. i am most likely to some degree a narcissist.

here is how we got there…i started talking about my life. i explained that i have no abuse in my past. we talked about my history of weight loss struggle and obesity. she began to identify a “hole” or “emptiness” that i was trying to fill with food pretty much my whole adult life. and she zeroed in on what was already suggested to me…that food is my relationship and link back to acceptance in my family.

but as we talked some more she started to extract how much i really am enmeshed with my parents. (she used “enmeshed” as a clinical term throughout our session)

she also started to identify that i am pretty good at avoiding spending time inside myself (commando and junior – focus…don’t let your mind wander there….). she asked me what kind of activities i enjoyed… i mentioned reading, hanging out, etc. everything i mentioned apparently is “external” and does not involved facing myself. well, except blogging.

she thinks there is more that we need to explore with this “emptiness” and gave me some tools to start to identify them. i narrowed down the “worst” time for me is at night after the princess has gone to bed. i am supposed to keep a grazing/emotional eating log. when i want to eat outside of meal time i am supposed to log the following:

1. time/place/feeling

2. what is going on – ie. the precipitating event

3. i am supposed to wait 20 minutes and log what i do during that time and how i feel – ie. anxious, mad, bored, etc. here is when i should take out a special glass and drink a non-caloric drink.

4. do i still want to eat – yes or no? if yes, what am i feeling? if no, why not?

5. what did i eat?

the goal with this exercise is to eventually identify the “precipitating event” that leads to my grazing/binging.

the next tool i am supposed to start doing making a “feelings collage”. she has asked me to go get some magazines and when i am feeling empty or bored i need to start cutting out things and make a collage. i like to scrapbook and i love art and sayings, so i think i can have fun with this. she said that it is not only a tool for us to explore my thoughts, but it is a good activity to get me doing something with my hands (instead of shoving food in my mouth) and for me to start spending more time inside myself. ( seriously, junior and commando, must you go there?)

she also asked me, as long as i felt like sharing, to bring in snippets from my blog. of course the smart ass in me who wants to avoid dealing with shit is thinking of printing out the mindless posts about my boobs and poop. lol

and my final assignment for the week is to keep track of examples of where i am seeking approval or obsessive contact from my parents or other enmeshment incidents.

i have to tell you that this enmeshment stuff is weighing heavy in my heart. i know that i am not going to totally cut my parents out of my life, but she is suggesting that i need to find ways to shift away a little in order to identify myself as i go through this weight loss journey since it seems that my weight is part of my familial identity. but for me…right now…i feel like i just found out that my parents are not really my parents. what i am trying to say is, i am scared shitless to really step back and look at my relationship with my parents and shatter the perfect world i may have created in my head and begin to deal with the imperfect world inside my mind. sigh.

of course we also talked about my daughter and how i am most likely repeating this pattern with her…as my grandmother did with my mom and my mom did with me. she feels it is the right time to change the course of history. last night i admitted to my close friend that late at night i find myself not only watching the princess sleep, but her whole life i have been taking pictures of her sleeping. it is a way for me to capture the “realness” of her. it is hard to explain. but my counselor today got it and told me that i need to stop it immediately. sigh.

so, the synopsis is…i was raised by an enabling obsessive mother to be a narcissistic woman with no sense of myself who was raised herself by an enabling obsessive mother…and i am nothing but an enabling obsessive mother who has no independent identity and avoids herself by eating. and we were/are all fat. lol.

catching up on the rest of the day….

this morning i posted about my tightness. karma bit me on the ass – big time. my staff was in town today and they were so fucking annoying and ornery. don’t keep coming into my office (while i am trying to calmly eat lunch) and argue against doing what i asked you to do two weeks ago. long story short…i finally slimed/vomited at work. and today was the day. i could not keep anything down and it was a constant running back and forth to the bathroom all day. i am kind of pissed. but whatever. i had a hot drink tonight after support group and hopefully that has opened me up for tomorrow.

and of course, to add to my stress…i was left without childcare tonight. i refuse to miss support group…so the princess went along with me. i have to give that kid credit…she was an angel for the entire hour and half we were there. quiet. did her homework and read her books. such a sweetie.

support group was great. we all checked in on where we were in our zones. a lot of good information came out. did you know that we should avoid microwaving our leftovers because it dries them out – which leads to getting stuck? i did not realize that. i felt so honored – two different people reference something i had shared at past meetings while they were checking in. it is nice to feel like you are contributing to the success of others.

this post is ridiculously long, and i am exhausted. sweet and protein filled dreams to each and every one of you….

support group recap

so...remember my incident with the nutritionists? well, this past monday at support group we were introduced to our very own in-house nutritionists. yay! two young and knowledgeable ladies. sharp. let me tell you...sharp. we all shared a little with them and some veterans brought up concerns about introducing carbs back in during maintenance and how they are scared. the west coast nutritionists started asking us questions about how much we know about carbs. apparently not a lot. she pointed out that yogurt has upwards of 20g and we should only be getting 35g a day. that was a huge wake-up call for those who depend on yogurt for their protein. i personally can't stand the shit. but it was also a wake up call for me too. she encouraged all of us to go back and write everything down. count proteins, calories, carbs and fat. not so much to hit/avoid a certain number each day -- but to get a better grip on what we are actually eating each day. so i have been logging my food and water intake all week. (yay me!)


they also brought in one of those fancy dancy scales that tell you your fat content, etc. my fat content was 51%. yikes! i think she said we should be 20 or 30% -- i can't remember. not worried. i am obviously working towards that.

overall it was a great session. everyone reported about being in the green with their eating. a couple of us talked about being in the yellow with our heads. i shared how the plastic surgery lecture FREAKED me out. the bariatric coordinator was very empathetic to that. some of the veterans who had had plastic surgery already shared with me their reasons. such a great group. you all should come to florida for a long weekend and go to group with me one day. lol.

this week has been super busy.  i was in a charity poker tournament on tuesday at my folks' house.  this was only the second time that i played poker and i came in 4th place!  my dad plays ALL the time and he was 3rd so i feel really good about 4th! 

work has been shitty.  nothing terribly wrong but i hit a brick wall and it just frustrates the hell out of me.

really haven't exercised this week. i ran out and got the water bottle amy w. recommended and have been pretty good with my water. yesterday was a bad water day for me and i paid for it dearly this morning with constipation. lesson learned. got it.

tonight i have a date -- we are going to a small downtown jazz night where they keep the galleries open late.

this weekend the princess and i are joining friends in the Susan B. Komen walk.  i think it is 3 miles.

monday is my 3 month post-op appointment.  for some reason it is a week early.  i think i am going to get just a 1/2cc fill because i feel pretty restricted but could use a little more but do not want to go crazy before my cruise feb 11.   it is hard to believe that this journey is only 3 months in.  it feels soooooooo much longer and somedays i forget about the band, the surgery, etc.   it is so a part of me right now.

poop, eggs and a date...

in no particular order....


poop --- i took a senakot this weekend. that helped. i think after holing up in my mom's bathroom for an hour made this an issue of "national" importance in the family. so she had it sitting next to my purse when i finally emerged. it helped. so i picked up some yesterday. specific suggestions on foods that are high in fiber and easy to eat are welcomed. this is a whole new world to me.

eggs --- good suggestions. it could very well be the time of day. that never occurred to me. i eat egg whites because that is what i like. i usually do a taste of goat cheese in them and that taste goes great in eggs whites. i can try a regular egg. i used to always say my favorite dinner was breakfast for dinner!

date --- all is well in that department. it actually was not the "first date". she had come over to hang out this past wednesday. you know what they say… no rest for the wicked! …. yesterday we went down to fort lauderdale beach to one of my favorite restaurants. i should lose 10 pounds this week just for the former bad behaviors i shed last night. i ordered the onion soup with no crouton. i mostly sipped the broth and picked at the melted cheese. I barely made a dent in it. for my main course i had an appetizer that they call a blue crab martini. it is fresh crab with avocado chunks, wontons, mayo and tropical salsa. i had them leave off the salsa since i am allergic to mangos and i just picked at the crab and avocados. it was served in a martini glass and I left more than half of it behind. it was divine. i did get a glass of wine while we were waiting for our table but only took a couple sips and i didn't even desire the bread on the table.

it was a beautiful night in south florida last night. 70 degrees. so we drove back to my place along the beach with the windows down. paradise, man. paradise.

i am glad i decided not to wait until i was "skinny" to jump back into the dating game. i am having a good time in my skinny size 24 (!!!!!!!) jeans.

iam going in to work late today so i can go do blood work at my primary doctor. my plan for work today is to catch up a little on work and catch up on my blog readings. tonight is support group. as always, looking forward to that!

warm end of december wishes going out to each and every one of you…

breaking up is hard to do...

but, i am sorry to say that me and egg whites are no longer.  boo hoo.  after an hour of on and off vomiting, spitting and productive burping this morning i think we are going to take a break...maybe we will try one more time next week.

it was good while it lasted.  sigh.

tonight i have a date...stay tuned... we are going to one of my favorite beach front restaurants.  lots of seafood.  i will probably go with the crab cakes.  or maybe just onion gratin soup.   we'll see...

LIES! LIES I TELL YOU!

just sayin....

first vacation with the band

all in all the trip to maryland for hannukah was great. it was great seeing my cousin and i am so happy the kids got to play together. i left 89 degree weather to go to 34 degree weather in 2 short airplane hours! i am happy to be home in the land of flip flops.

my fill was last tuesday and while i know the band is working, i can definitely eat more than i should most of the time. i think i am going to try to get in for another fill this week. my doctor told me last week to come back this week or next if i felt i needed more and not to wait.

i think i remained in control with my eating. i learned quickly on Friday night that i can no longer graze while i am cooking. i was making the traditional latkes (potato pancakes) and i was trying them here and there as i cooked... by the time dinner came around i was full. i waited a little while and was able to have some roast with no problems.

when we first got into town i stopped off at the grocery store and got premade shakes, hummus cups and some cottage cheese so i would have good food in my cousin's house where they are all skinny, athletes and can (and do) eat junk food all the time.

saturday night we went out in historic fredrick for tapas. it felt like tapas were invented for bandsters! i had the platos de ahumados -- smoked bluefish, salmon and trout. the picture makes it look bigger than it was... maybe 2oz of each fish. loved it. i also had a raw tuna lollipop which was about 1 oz of tuna. i definitely took care of my fish cravings but also suffered all night being hungry. i actually gave in about 20 minutes after dinner and drank water. fortunately there were no problems.

on sunday they made a mcdonalds run. i ordered a 4 piece chicken nugget. i was stuck after a couple fries and one nugget.

but then on sunday when we were driving to the airport i stopped off to fill the rental up with gas. i ran into the store and grabbed sun chips for the princess and i bought a small bag of combos for myself. well...i got stuck BIG TIME while driving on wet roads somewhere i was unfamiliar with. by the time i handed the rental back over i was PBing all over the BWI rental car garage. not good. but what really pissed me off is that once we got checked in and down to the gate and i started looking for dinner for the princess i saw that there was a crab restaurant. it occurred to me that had i not pigged out and gotten sick and just waited for dinner i could have enjoyed a nice maryland crab cake. lesson learned.

tonight is support group. i am really looking forward to going. i missed it last week for my book club.

apparently i was banded...

where to start....the last 24 hours has had a lot of band ups and downs...

i am sad and ashamed to say that yesterday -- 10 days post-op -- i overate, ate something i shouldn't have and vomited/slimed/pb'd. i am not sure what happened. i have been dreaming of MEAT. and since i am not into boys, i mean the cow variety....lol. so anyways i defrosted 3 turkey meatballs. i thought if i just chewed, chewed, chewed. i would be ok. nope. 2 meatballs down and i realized i would not have to wait one month post-op to know what "being stuck" felt like. i tried to walk around the house. put my arms in the air. and when the big angry burp came i just went into the bathroom and waited. i can not puke in a toilet. the idea just does me in. so i stood in the shower and waited. and it came. all of the meat, foam and that is pretty much it. i am not too worried about band slippage because there was no stomach contractions or gagging. and i have been fine today.

i am not trying to justify what happened...but, honestly, up until that moment in the shower, i was starting to doubt there was a band in there. i know that sounds silly. but it is true.

so i got sick. i sucked on some popsicle to cool my throat and went to bed. i woke up today back on track. i had a protein shake for breakfast. lunch was business and out and remote so i had beans (the soft light brown kind -- refried?) with a little cheese to help me get past the taste. that was a MAJOR accomplishment for me even without last night because we were at my favorite authentic mexican restaurant where i usually get this wonderful dish called a Botana (nachos with cheese, topped with salad, topped with guacamole, topped with skirt steak, topped with a quesadilla). had a shake late this afternoon and a little tomato soup for dinner. and water, water, water all day.

after lunch i had a meeting with a constituent for the government entity i work for. his wife and i are friendly and former co-workers so we met at their house. we were talking business and then at the end i told them about my surgery. the man struggles with his weight and was asking me about the lap band. he thought that the port was on the outside (like an insulin pump) so here i am at a "business meeting" and i turn to his wife and ask her if i can lift my shirt up for her husband...lol... she said yes and i showed him my port scar. i am not sure if it was a high-point or low-point in my career... but the fact that his wife told me how proud of me she was for getting the surgery makes it a high-point in my lap band journey.

that has been a common response from people...."i am so proud of you...." i think it is an interesting response and i am kind of curious to know why *that* of all things is the first thing some people have said to me.

and finally, i was at my parents earlier and jumped on their Wii fit and found out i have lost 7.5 pounds since last friday. yay me.

this post has been brought to you courtesy of Commando's constant nagging....

oops. excuse me.

i am gassy. let's just get that out of the way. i am like what this jewish girl can only imagine it is like to find-an-easter-egg-behind-the-sofa-in-july-gassy.

moving on.... i had my first post-op (8 days) appointment today. things are going great. my first fill is scheduled for december 8th. i am pretty excited and hope it goes well since i am flying december 11th.

since october 20th I have lost 14 pounds! not bad and i will take it. yesterday i decided to throw out the home scale. i got on in the morning and i was 292. then immediately after that i was 294. and immediately after that i was 286. that is just cruel and unnecessary punishment. so the scale is out in the trash. i will now only rely on the doctor's scale and the Wii fit at my parents house in between doctor visits for progress checks.

i like the idea of just doing monthly weigh-ins. 14 pounds a month is much more gratifying to me than 2 pounds here and there.

i am now officially on mushies... cottage cheese, egg salad, pureed beans, etc. yay.

today i felt "skinny". my clothes were loose and i felt good. my face has definitely thinned out and i think people are starting to notice, but just aren't sure "what" it is.


today and yesterday i got in 30 minutes of walking at lunch. yay me.