recently i have been identifying as an "addict" and talking about "recovery". i honestly do not think i am. and no i am not in denial. i think the proper terms are definitely "eating disorder" and "healing". and let me tell you.... they make sense. i feel a sense of relief, less overwhelmed, less confused.
tonight i went to a 12 step "food addict" meeting. nope. not for me. and just not the meeting (which was so fucking bizarre it was comical)....but the focus....the idea of abstinence from flour and sugar is not something i can relate to. personally i have learned that the all or nothing mindset is detrimental to my eating disorder behaviors. i don't need abstinence. i need behavior control and modification. and support for that. the fact that you can't even have a bottle of water in the meeting is just a little extreme.
ok...now for some snark...so the woman running the meeting was very robotic. like, for real. she was straight-up an animitronic right out of the Hall of Presidents at Disney. and she has a nun's edge to her. like i was waiting for her to hit my knuckles with a ruler. some old queen was yelling at her for not letting people borrow books. it was scary mary city. but then again i am reading The Handmaid's Tale and maybe i was projecting the book on this meeting.
my issues really are behavior related. as i have talked about my eating disorder crap is at an all time high. i am lonely in my personal life. and not just lonely. i am sad. the circumstances with my ex (the one who got away) are just so heart breaking to me. i am trying to remain strong with my boundaries but that only magnifies my loneliness. i love my new job. but i am there to do a job...and part of that job is being a strong leader which means most of my staff not only does not like me but refuse to get on board with my new program. i don't give a shit about all that....that is the nature of the beast...as a friend said back to me today "it is lonely at the top, heidi. and you wanted to move up towards the top..." lonely. lonely at work. i am homesick for my former staff and the family we created. it was a well-oiled machine. but just like it took me time to build that team, it will take me time here....but in the meantime it is havoc on my eating behaviors.
i thought i was "cured" because i was "skinny" when i decided to take on this new job challenge. the truth is i am still "sick" no matter what size i am wearing right now. and it is very hard to have to stay in control and strong on the exterior all day in order to get my job done and exert my authority and not have my insides equally in control or strong on the inside. i am trying to cope the best i can, but it is a struggle. between the band tightening from the stress of my staff and my bingeing....not good. not good.
(don't get me wrong... i love my job and the other duties...it is just the personnel distractions that i hate....always have, always will....why can't people just do their job? if you wanted to be director and think your old way is better...you should have applied....no?)
i talked to my therapist today about the eating disorder stuff. i think it is the most i have come clean about it in therapy. still not sure i am clicking with the new therapist, but i am going through the motions with her for now. so....today i asked her if you can ever be cured from an eating disorder....she told me "sadly, no". the symptoms may not be active but the potential through triggers (like stress, death, etc) will always be there. i told her that it made me sad. and i cried a little. but with that being said, i am a little relieved to get clarity tonight on food addict vs. eating disorder. i think i can get through the crappy days better knowing i am dealing with a disorder and not an addiction for some reason.
Showing posts with label figuring this out. Show all posts
Showing posts with label figuring this out. Show all posts
Friday, April 29, 2011
Sunday, April 10, 2011
when the fantasy is killed by reality....
so.... i have spent the last year and half getting healthy. two years ago a relationship ended. she was *supposed* to be "the one" and has been in my heart all this time as The One Who Got Away™ (TOWGA™). she is the only woman i have dated/met in the last 10 years or so that has been "on my level". she works in city government management. she is mature. beautiful. nice. smart. when the princess was 3 years old the princess was the back seat of the car one day when the 3 of us went out and the princess said "mommy, is TOWGA™ your *other person*?" even the princess understood our connection. but she got away. both of our hearts broke. but we just could not get it right. according to her i had too many walls up (hello, 200 pounds of extra weight).
i have thought about her many many many times over the last 2 years --- and more specifically since my surgery. wondering "what if".... there was sporadic communication. she made it clear she was with someone.
so.....when i got my new job i wanted to tell her first. she, of all people, would understand the monumental career shift for me to not only take the next step in my career...but in a gay city. so....i emailed her. and that started a 3 week friendly, but reserved email communication....until...until... i got the drunken email confession. there have been more confessions since then. from both of us. she is going through some stuff right now and i really want to get out of this 197-201 mindfuck. so we agreed to keep it platonic and limit communication to email right now. but we both wanted to keep communication open and going while we both work on our own shit.
in the course of the communication i have come to the realization that while i have spent the last 18 months improving my life and getting healthy she has, in a proverbial sense, done the exact opposite. some bad choices and unhealthy events.
and it breaks my heart. because the more we get reacquainted the more i realize that my new consciousness about myself and awareness of codependents and the damage they can cause in my addiction process.... the more i realize that we can never be together. i don't want to talk to much about what is going in her life (you know, because lord knows who is reading this....) but i know in my heart of hearts that barring some intense healing for her over a very long time that we can never ever ever be together.
she told me she loves me. i know i have always loved her. and i can't let her in. i can't let her unhealthy behavior in my heart because i can not let it lead to me sabotaging my life.
part of me typing this out tonight is to "tell on" myself. to hold myself accountable. so when i come back here one day and say that we are back together there will be someone who will tell me to run in the other direction. because really, i need to run. but i am scared i won't.
when the fantasy is not reality....it really really really really fucking sucks.
i have thought about her many many many times over the last 2 years --- and more specifically since my surgery. wondering "what if".... there was sporadic communication. she made it clear she was with someone.
so.....when i got my new job i wanted to tell her first. she, of all people, would understand the monumental career shift for me to not only take the next step in my career...but in a gay city. so....i emailed her. and that started a 3 week friendly, but reserved email communication....until...until... i got the drunken email confession. there have been more confessions since then. from both of us. she is going through some stuff right now and i really want to get out of this 197-201 mindfuck. so we agreed to keep it platonic and limit communication to email right now. but we both wanted to keep communication open and going while we both work on our own shit.
in the course of the communication i have come to the realization that while i have spent the last 18 months improving my life and getting healthy she has, in a proverbial sense, done the exact opposite. some bad choices and unhealthy events.
and it breaks my heart. because the more we get reacquainted the more i realize that my new consciousness about myself and awareness of codependents and the damage they can cause in my addiction process.... the more i realize that we can never be together. i don't want to talk to much about what is going in her life (you know, because lord knows who is reading this....) but i know in my heart of hearts that barring some intense healing for her over a very long time that we can never ever ever be together.
she told me she loves me. i know i have always loved her. and i can't let her in. i can't let her unhealthy behavior in my heart because i can not let it lead to me sabotaging my life.
part of me typing this out tonight is to "tell on" myself. to hold myself accountable. so when i come back here one day and say that we are back together there will be someone who will tell me to run in the other direction. because really, i need to run. but i am scared i won't.
when the fantasy is not reality....it really really really really fucking sucks.
Thursday, March 17, 2011
being an addict....a response to your comments
i guess this is part 2 of the judgemental blog.... yes. i am an addict. i agree. i am addicted to eat/coping through food. not just coping with bad things...coping with life in general.
the last session i had with My Therapist we talked about how i feel like the "weight loss" part of my mental health journey is pretty much in control and how i really want to dive into the addict stuff. we talked about how i often think throughout the day "holy shit. i am an addict". as an aside she suggested accupuncture. i still need to find time to look into that.
when i meet with My New Therapist on friday i think i am really going to talk to her about the addict stuff.
when i got the comments to my last blog in my email they each came right.at.the.right.moment. when i was questioning myself and my boundaries. when i was about to give in to the woman "suggesting" that instead of us meeting for coffee the other night she "just come over" to my house. i have kindly, and without saying much about my boundaries yet, put her on hold until i get my head on a little more straight (ha!) with the thoughts of my addiction and her condition.
i think the comments i received were so helpful and spot on i wanted to respond and explore them here...
from DiZneDiVa /Maria
It's is hard hearing people say that they are comfortable with the weight they're at or comfortable with their bodies... When you've been there and know it's not true. I don't think you should not date someone because of their weight but you need to do what's best for you and dating someone with weight issues currently, maybe cause a relapse for you like any addict. Addicts are told not to date fellow addicts. It may be good for her to date you, see how you eat and change her own habits but I wouldn't want you to get too involved and end up getting hurt when you realize the relationship is causing you more harm then good. I was 475 pounds... so I know the emotional torment that comes from that.
my thoughts: yes, maria. you are right. i am an addict and i need to function as one in EVERY aspect of my life . your response was first and it helped validate me and and nudge me that it is "ok" to identify as an addict.
Marie said...
Good post. I do think you need to think about your boundaries and how dating someone who is obese affects you. You want to lead a healthy lifestyle and does this person want to do the same? I know that is important to me in finding someone to have a relationship with. This lifestyle is just that - a lifestyle and we have worked so hard to get the weight off. Being with a partner who helps us with these goals is very important. Good luck!!!
my thoughts: boundaries. my boundaries. i need to think about my boundaries more consciously. thank you.
amandakiska said...
This would be really hard for me. I've always been a bit of a "chubby chaser" myself, but I have changed so much and I'd be afraid that my healthy habits would be de-railed by associating with someone who has such different priorities.
my thoughts: i am not even a "chubby chaser". my type usually is very good girl types or girls who pretty much have men falling over hemselves to get to. but i definitely like a nice body with appropriate curves. always have. always will. in college i dated the girls that the guys were gaga about. the last night in the dorms senior year i got an earful about that from some drunk frat guys. after years of them being asses and homophobes to me they actually were less homophobic when one of them said "man, you always get the hot chicks. can you teach us your tricks?" he was drunk and being actually kind of nice. but i wasn't so nice. lol. oh well.
but i digress....i am not even a chubby chaser...and i am not physcially attractive to her at all. so why i am even going along with this? HMMMMM.....either my underlying driving need to "win" people or i am lonely. worth exploring. i think i know the answer is loneliness. talked about it in therapy last week. thanks.
Bonnie said...
You've made a lot of great points. It's amazing how far you've come physically and emotionally.
my thoughts: thank you, mama. sometimes i feel so lost and alone. thanks for the vote of confidence.
Theresa aka Tessie Rose said...
Great post!
my thoughts: thank you for getting me. just not now. but always. and for challenging me with your blog, as well.
Read said...
On the dating thing - all the things that worry you would totally worry me too. I'd want to be really careful even if that meant being overly careful. I'd want to honestly and frankly 'checking in' with myself on a very regular basis. Is this still okay with me - for me. Is this healthy for me, is this doing good things for my self esteem and outlook on life. You'll know when it's not the right thing. Until then good luck and I hope you're having fun.
my thoughts: i think the "checking in" is a very good point. in the beginning of this journey we focus so much on mindless eating and i think this part of the journey is really about avoiding mindless living. not look for exterior validation of my body or stimulation but really checking in with our insides on the affects of our choices.
Gen said...
Wow I think it would be so complicated to date someone with serious weight issues. All the things you are thinking - I would be thinking too. I like Read's answer - keep checking in with yourself to be sure its okay with your emotional health and the progress you have made so far.
my thoughts: thanks, gen. i think i needed to hear it was ok to say out loud to myself that i am not ok with dating someone who is obese.
Karen said..
I'm wondering how you feel about the person you're dating? I mean, are you as into her as she is into you? That could well be the determining factor as to whether it's worth the extra mental effort on your part NOT to fall back into 'comfortable' habits of over-eating, since she's "ok" with it.
my thoughts: the truth is NO. i am not into her as she is into me. i am not attractive to her physically, yet she emails me all the time that she is attracted to me physically. dating women is a lot different than dating men. most women want to go right into the relationship and she is already doing stuff like that. i am a dater. yesterday i was even reflecting back to a conversation we had were she asked me -- in kind of a hesitant way -- "you date a lot of women?" i told her i like to go on dates and meet people. she told me she has only had four "relationships". big difference and i need to hear that better when it is said. she is much more close, familiar and intimate in her communication with me than i am with her. women also do something that i have been told men do not do...which is they like to set ground rules early on..."when i am with someone i tend to tell them they are beautiful everyday". "i am ALWAY blah blah blah in my relationships". i am not like that. each relationship is different for me. i can not perdict how i will be.
Carmen said...
it is hard not to be judgemental, especially when we know that there are options....
as far as dating someone who is "fat" while trying to change your life with the band, that is REALLY hard. my bf had bypass a few years before i met him and has put back on 75+ lbs since we've been together. spending time with someone who isn't on the same track eating wise or activity wise is difficult, it makes it so much easier to slip back into bad habits.
you are in a good place, so.....AWARE. do all you can to stay (or go further ahead) where you are, not backslide...
my thoughts: THANK YOU. i know you are dealing with some of this in real-time so i appreciate your honesty. on being "AWARE"... yeah, it is a good place to be but it can be so tiring and hard. i just want the ability, some days, to put my guard down, go with the flow AND have everything be ok in the end. insert underlying control freak issues here....lol
thank you so much for all your comments. you really helped me. i am either going to take this woman to the friend zone or nothing. one of the things we talked about in therapy last week was me add things ONLY of value to my all ready full life and eliminating those that are toxic or no value. i think i know where i stand with this woman.
the last session i had with My Therapist we talked about how i feel like the "weight loss" part of my mental health journey is pretty much in control and how i really want to dive into the addict stuff. we talked about how i often think throughout the day "holy shit. i am an addict". as an aside she suggested accupuncture. i still need to find time to look into that.
when i meet with My New Therapist on friday i think i am really going to talk to her about the addict stuff.
when i got the comments to my last blog in my email they each came right.at.the.right.moment. when i was questioning myself and my boundaries. when i was about to give in to the woman "suggesting" that instead of us meeting for coffee the other night she "just come over" to my house. i have kindly, and without saying much about my boundaries yet, put her on hold until i get my head on a little more straight (ha!) with the thoughts of my addiction and her condition.
i think the comments i received were so helpful and spot on i wanted to respond and explore them here...
from DiZneDiVa /Maria
It's is hard hearing people say that they are comfortable with the weight they're at or comfortable with their bodies... When you've been there and know it's not true. I don't think you should not date someone because of their weight but you need to do what's best for you and dating someone with weight issues currently, maybe cause a relapse for you like any addict. Addicts are told not to date fellow addicts. It may be good for her to date you, see how you eat and change her own habits but I wouldn't want you to get too involved and end up getting hurt when you realize the relationship is causing you more harm then good. I was 475 pounds... so I know the emotional torment that comes from that.
my thoughts: yes, maria. you are right. i am an addict and i need to function as one in EVERY aspect of my life . your response was first and it helped validate me and and nudge me that it is "ok" to identify as an addict.
Marie said...
Good post. I do think you need to think about your boundaries and how dating someone who is obese affects you. You want to lead a healthy lifestyle and does this person want to do the same? I know that is important to me in finding someone to have a relationship with. This lifestyle is just that - a lifestyle and we have worked so hard to get the weight off. Being with a partner who helps us with these goals is very important. Good luck!!!
my thoughts: boundaries. my boundaries. i need to think about my boundaries more consciously. thank you.
amandakiska said...
This would be really hard for me. I've always been a bit of a "chubby chaser" myself, but I have changed so much and I'd be afraid that my healthy habits would be de-railed by associating with someone who has such different priorities.
my thoughts: i am not even a "chubby chaser". my type usually is very good girl types or girls who pretty much have men falling over hemselves to get to. but i definitely like a nice body with appropriate curves. always have. always will. in college i dated the girls that the guys were gaga about. the last night in the dorms senior year i got an earful about that from some drunk frat guys. after years of them being asses and homophobes to me they actually were less homophobic when one of them said "man, you always get the hot chicks. can you teach us your tricks?" he was drunk and being actually kind of nice. but i wasn't so nice. lol. oh well.
but i digress....i am not even a chubby chaser...and i am not physcially attractive to her at all. so why i am even going along with this? HMMMMM.....either my underlying driving need to "win" people or i am lonely. worth exploring. i think i know the answer is loneliness. talked about it in therapy last week. thanks.
Bonnie said...
You've made a lot of great points. It's amazing how far you've come physically and emotionally.
my thoughts: thank you, mama. sometimes i feel so lost and alone. thanks for the vote of confidence.
Theresa aka Tessie Rose said...
Great post!
my thoughts: thank you for getting me. just not now. but always. and for challenging me with your blog, as well.
Read said...
On the dating thing - all the things that worry you would totally worry me too. I'd want to be really careful even if that meant being overly careful. I'd want to honestly and frankly 'checking in' with myself on a very regular basis. Is this still okay with me - for me. Is this healthy for me, is this doing good things for my self esteem and outlook on life. You'll know when it's not the right thing. Until then good luck and I hope you're having fun.
my thoughts: i think the "checking in" is a very good point. in the beginning of this journey we focus so much on mindless eating and i think this part of the journey is really about avoiding mindless living. not look for exterior validation of my body or stimulation but really checking in with our insides on the affects of our choices.
Gen said...
Wow I think it would be so complicated to date someone with serious weight issues. All the things you are thinking - I would be thinking too. I like Read's answer - keep checking in with yourself to be sure its okay with your emotional health and the progress you have made so far.
my thoughts: thanks, gen. i think i needed to hear it was ok to say out loud to myself that i am not ok with dating someone who is obese.
Karen said..
I'm wondering how you feel about the person you're dating? I mean, are you as into her as she is into you? That could well be the determining factor as to whether it's worth the extra mental effort on your part NOT to fall back into 'comfortable' habits of over-eating, since she's "ok" with it.
my thoughts: the truth is NO. i am not into her as she is into me. i am not attractive to her physically, yet she emails me all the time that she is attracted to me physically. dating women is a lot different than dating men. most women want to go right into the relationship and she is already doing stuff like that. i am a dater. yesterday i was even reflecting back to a conversation we had were she asked me -- in kind of a hesitant way -- "you date a lot of women?" i told her i like to go on dates and meet people. she told me she has only had four "relationships". big difference and i need to hear that better when it is said. she is much more close, familiar and intimate in her communication with me than i am with her. women also do something that i have been told men do not do...which is they like to set ground rules early on..."when i am with someone i tend to tell them they are beautiful everyday". "i am ALWAY blah blah blah in my relationships". i am not like that. each relationship is different for me. i can not perdict how i will be.
Carmen said...
it is hard not to be judgemental, especially when we know that there are options....
as far as dating someone who is "fat" while trying to change your life with the band, that is REALLY hard. my bf had bypass a few years before i met him and has put back on 75+ lbs since we've been together. spending time with someone who isn't on the same track eating wise or activity wise is difficult, it makes it so much easier to slip back into bad habits.
you are in a good place, so.....AWARE. do all you can to stay (or go further ahead) where you are, not backslide...
my thoughts: THANK YOU. i know you are dealing with some of this in real-time so i appreciate your honesty. on being "AWARE"... yeah, it is a good place to be but it can be so tiring and hard. i just want the ability, some days, to put my guard down, go with the flow AND have everything be ok in the end. insert underlying control freak issues here....lol
thank you so much for all your comments. you really helped me. i am either going to take this woman to the friend zone or nothing. one of the things we talked about in therapy last week was me add things ONLY of value to my all ready full life and eliminating those that are toxic or no value. i think i know where i stand with this woman.
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
being judgemental
so...last night i was watching Heavy on A&E. i was enjoying this show a lot but notice that the format is getting old for me....same ole same ole. so i hate to admit this, but i was secretly pleased to see the woman last night left her husband...just because it shook things up a little on the show's format. i also think, in all seriousness, that her revelations about their relationship throughout the show were very on par with some of the emotional journey stuff we face in our extreme weight loss.
but believe it, or not, these judgements are great...wonderful...amazing.... at least i think so....i think the judgement of the woman on TV last night was a major turning point for me in the "letting go" category. once my enmeshment issues were identified in therapy one of the things i noticed is that i would be at random place
s, like disney, and see an obese person and instantly identify with them. i had to work real hard with behavioral re-adjustment to think "heidi, that fat woman is over there and has nothing to do with you, your weight loss or how you look". so for a "that woman" judgement to come so naturally to me... big time progress.
but more to the point of this post...when they were introducing the woman last night and she was talking about having to sleep in a chair, not being intimate with her newlywed husband, etc. i actually stopped in front of the TV and said to myself pretty clearly "my god, woman, how did you let it get this bad?". WHOA! who am i to judge? she weighed in at 435. my known highest is only about 50-60 pounds more than her. WHO AM I TO JUDGE? i felt bad about being so judgemental, but at the same time i noticed that my judgement was so detached and finite.
in my personal life, as i alluded to i met someone recently. i am struggling with this one. she is professional, a mom with a very similar "how i became a mom" story as me, nice, etc. she is fat. very fat. lesbian comfort zone fat. she also came across my "fat" pictures through a social group i am in that has old pictures of me on it from past events. so she knows i had surgery. and her response, like my own response for many years when i was on her side of the obesity table, was "i am very comfortable with my body".
this scares me. it scares me because i am stuck on the scale somewhere between 194 and 201. it scares me because based on the feedback i get -- daily (ugh) -- i look good to others, i feel good and i look healthy and wear my current weight well. i am worried that if i go out with a fat-positive woman i am going to justify staying this weight, or worse, gain weight. i find myself judging her weight...questioning my attractiveness to her. of course, this is all muddied by the fact that she is very into me and pursuing my aggressively while i am trying to get my thoughts together.
but believe it, or not, these judgements are great...wonderful...amazing.... at least i think so....i think the judgement of the woman on TV last night was a major turning point for me in the "letting go" category. once my enmeshment issues were identified in therapy one of the things i noticed is that i would be at random place
s, like disney, and see an obese person and instantly identify with them. i had to work real hard with behavioral re-adjustment to think "heidi, that fat woman is over there and has nothing to do with you, your weight loss or how you look". so for a "that woman" judgement to come so naturally to me... big time progress.
i think the dating judgement is the same. i think i am finally at a point where i am ready for healthy boundaries and to put myself first and not get confused by someone being really into me and just going along with it and regretting it. (see previous so-called friend post for further proof).
i am ok with being judgemental. i am not out to hurt anyone unnecessarily and have to stop worrying about that. i am ready to take care of myself. protect myself. and stand firm in my established boundaries.
i am going to leave you with this blast from the past....me... at my highest. in key west on a boat. with my natural curly hair!!!! and another of me at gay pride this weekend shoving food into my mouth. the princess got her haircut that morning and blownout out straight.
Thursday, March 10, 2011
My Therapist
those bloggers here who have spent time with me know that i start every 3.5 sentences with these words...My Therapist....
well....My Therapist has left me. left florida. left her practice. she had to and i understand her personal reasons. but it does not make this any easier.
recently i did a gratitude list as homework for a session. the top of the list was "My Therapist". i am glad i did, because i was able to tell her that to her face. i told her, somewhat emotionally, that she saved my life and i really believe she did. the band, nor my surgeon, did not save my life. the band is a tool. she gave me the strength and clarity to work the tool and live beyond the weight loss. she called me on my shit. she did not let me big personality run the show as it has on-and-off for the past 20 years of therapy attempts.
with that being said....i do not believe my therapy work is done. and neither does she. so she has passed me onto a colleague who she trusts. (she also bugged me until i made my first appointment with the therapist because, as she pointed out, i was probably rationalizing quitting therapy...and she was right). so, i met with My Therapist Part 2 this week. she is good. she is nice. she is feeling me out as much as i am feeling her out. she is committed to the long term plan My Therapist and i originally laid out. i am not sure if she is strong enough to over power my bullshit and call me on it but she did ask me to tell her what worked best with My Therapist and i think i need to ask her to call me on my shit more. we will see where this goes. i also want to go on record as saying that the only other therapist that i had in my life who was getting somewhere with me "left me" for very similar personal reasons....my dumb luck, huh?
in other news...i am really run down this week. it is my first week back at work after my gall bladder surgery. it is also my first week of my two week notice and as such my co-workers and employees are literally sucking my brain out of my head since seven years ago when i started none of the structure that we have today, their departments, their jobs existed. it is exhausting. it is also somewhat sad. this job has been a big chapter in my life. i found out i was pregnant the day i interviewed for my job. i work for not just a government but a people, a community, a culture. you don't do what i did for almost 7 years with/for them without getting attached. tomorrow i am traveling to tell some of the elected officials personally of my plans to leave. each conversation is hard.
the picture is what i wore to the public meeting when i was approved for my job. it is from the post-surgery day kohls shopping trip. i love it. it is me. heidi. in a size large vera wang dress. yep. excuse the proportion of the picture....the princess took it so it is coming from a lower position and, in my opinion, makes me look kind of drag queen/amazon-esque.
well....My Therapist has left me. left florida. left her practice. she had to and i understand her personal reasons. but it does not make this any easier.
recently i did a gratitude list as homework for a session. the top of the list was "My Therapist". i am glad i did, because i was able to tell her that to her face. i told her, somewhat emotionally, that she saved my life and i really believe she did. the band, nor my surgeon, did not save my life. the band is a tool. she gave me the strength and clarity to work the tool and live beyond the weight loss. she called me on my shit. she did not let me big personality run the show as it has on-and-off for the past 20 years of therapy attempts.
with that being said....i do not believe my therapy work is done. and neither does she. so she has passed me onto a colleague who she trusts. (she also bugged me until i made my first appointment with the therapist because, as she pointed out, i was probably rationalizing quitting therapy...and she was right). so, i met with My Therapist Part 2 this week. she is good. she is nice. she is feeling me out as much as i am feeling her out. she is committed to the long term plan My Therapist and i originally laid out. i am not sure if she is strong enough to over power my bullshit and call me on it but she did ask me to tell her what worked best with My Therapist and i think i need to ask her to call me on my shit more. we will see where this goes. i also want to go on record as saying that the only other therapist that i had in my life who was getting somewhere with me "left me" for very similar personal reasons....my dumb luck, huh?
in other news...i am really run down this week. it is my first week back at work after my gall bladder surgery. it is also my first week of my two week notice and as such my co-workers and employees are literally sucking my brain out of my head since seven years ago when i started none of the structure that we have today, their departments, their jobs existed. it is exhausting. it is also somewhat sad. this job has been a big chapter in my life. i found out i was pregnant the day i interviewed for my job. i work for not just a government but a people, a community, a culture. you don't do what i did for almost 7 years with/for them without getting attached. tomorrow i am traveling to tell some of the elected officials personally of my plans to leave. each conversation is hard. add to that the fact that my new job is already heating up...i was approved at a public meeting this week by the elected body (kind of exhilarating to be at that level of professional position in my career...the fact that i am voted on... btw), i have been contacted by some people at the new job regarding future projects, etc. and of course, i have the usual stuff of being a mom (the princess was bitten by our dog as i was running out to be voted on...talk about working mother guilt that night....), dealing with a biting dog who now has a stomach virus, trying to lose weight and...yes...and, i have met "someone"....not going to say too much right now about that....we'll see...
Monday, December 27, 2010
Happy UnBandiversary to Me!
that's right....i am un-celebrating my "band"iversary....because, really, it fucked me up royally. i have been feeling *stuck* the last couple months. stuck on the scale, stuck emotionally, stuck on this so-called journey. the only thing that has not been stuck is what i am figuring out to slide down my band, lol. so today at therapy i was processing this feeling of being stuck in life and having the obligatory "what if i never lose anymore weight" coupled with a few "i don't even know who i am anymore" meltdown when we finally figured out that this angst is all stemming from some strange association i have in my mind with november 9th being my "one year bandiversary" and somehow that signifies that i should be at goal. which, i know, is totally impossible since i needed to lose at least 150 pounds on surgery day. but this irrational association has caused me to subconsciously call up some old thoughts and behaviors. and these thoughts and behaviors have resulted in nothing less than self-sabotage. see...heidi, you failed. you fucking failed and now i am going to make sure of it.
the fact is: i need to undo november 9, 2010 and assign new meaning to it. i am going to work this week on a list of all that i *did* accomplish in a year....and recognize that my goal weight was never a realistic accomplishment.
my accountability to my "sobriety" has been my monthly surgeon appointments, support group and therapy. at my november 9th appointment my surgeon gave *me* the option to keep coming back monthly, go to every 3 months or just come in when i want. i thought i was in a good place and thought i would come back every 3 months. but today i realized that i need that monthly accountability. i am not healed from a lifetime of emotional eating and obesity. and that monthly appointment keeps this in the forefront. i am not done. i am nowhere near "done" and this obesity and all the underlying issues associated with it will not just go away because the night turned into day.
my attendance at support group has sucked and that really has been out of my control. well...mostly out of my control. next week i will assert some control and *choose* not to go to my straight book club and instead to support group. even though next week's leader bugs me. lol. after that, until the end of march, i will be taking a class on support group night. i need to take this class and i am choosing to do it now. i am hoping the gods will look upon me favorably and open up a seat in the thursday night class between now and january 10th. but if not, i am hoping the new social network will serve some support purpose for me. also, today i got a text from a woman at group. that made me think....i need to be better at making personal connections with people at group and accepting their personal connections.
so...happy unBandiversary to me........
so...happy unBandiversary to me........
Thursday, December 23, 2010
9 months in the making....
so...back in march when i started therapy one of the biggest issues identified was my enmeshment with my parents. it was a scary realization at the time....not just because it was maddening to find out what my underlying "issue" was -- but also because i did not want to hurt my parents. fortunately, through my wise therapist, i was able to spend the last 9 months addressing and identifying the issue in an appropriate place (her office) without having to have some kind of knock down, drag out confrontation with my parents. because, now they don't just have a relationship with me...there is also my daughter. their only granddaughter. and i value the importance of that relationship and would not want to hurt that.
so very quietly the last 9 months i have worked on distancing myself both physically and internally from my parents in my quest to not only lose weight, but also get mentally healthy. i went from someone who socialized all the time with my parents to someone who only saw them for special occasions or to bring the princess to them for a visit. very different for me. these new behaviors were something i needed to force out of myself initially, but now are almost second nature. i can now leave the house in the morning without calling my mom, etc.
so then, i decided to stop squashing an urge i have had to ask my parents to go on an RV trip. this is something we used to do *all* the time. especially before the princess. just jump in their RV and GO. so, i asked. they hemmed and hawed and agreed. so now i am writing this from the co-captain seat in their RV as we drive north to St. Augustine. I am soooooooooooooooooooo excited. i have missed spending special moments with them. but i feel so much better now sitting here. i am here because i *want* to be here. i am here with my boundaries set. i am here to enjoy and not merely exist.
so very quietly the last 9 months i have worked on distancing myself both physically and internally from my parents in my quest to not only lose weight, but also get mentally healthy. i went from someone who socialized all the time with my parents to someone who only saw them for special occasions or to bring the princess to them for a visit. very different for me. these new behaviors were something i needed to force out of myself initially, but now are almost second nature. i can now leave the house in the morning without calling my mom, etc.
this distance has become so second nature to me, that a couple weeks ago i was un-nerving myself because i found that instead of going to a party and getting drunk i *wanted* to meet my parents for dinner first and just swing by the party. of course, i made sure to bring this up in therapy because i thought i had some major processing to do..... much to my surprise my therapist lit up and said "wonderful! that is what you are supposed to do". huh? i thought i had enmeshment issues??? "you do. but you have gone from being with your parents all the time because you did not know any other different behavior to appropriately seeking out time to be with your parents". ooooooooohhhhhhh.
Monday, December 13, 2010
time for some kind of change...
i am in a funk. not a depression funk. (i did all my routine self checks for that). this funk is more global. it is a lack of fulfillment in my soul. i was supposed to see my therapist today for my regular appointment but she is sick so i won't see her until thursday. i was hoping i would go in today and she would say "pish posh, what you are experiencing is right on target for someone 13 months and 4 days out of surgery". lol.
i have a feeling of emptiness inside. a feeling of discontentment. a feeling of unrest. not sure if any of these words properlyy describe what i feel, but it is the closest i can come to describing what i feel. all i know is i want change. global change. the problem is, i can not pinpoint where this change needs to come from. and because i am a go-getter, a do-er, a make-it-happen-er....that is driving me crazy.
i have this strong desire to leave. move. startover. my life here was fine for someone who what dying on the inside both physically because of the weight and emotionally (because of the weight). i think it is very cavalier to say that *I* (generic/collective *I*) will be the same person after *I* lose weight. now that i am on the home stretch, i can tell you i am not sure if i am the same person.
same ol, same ol is not good enough anymore. status quo freaks me out. discontent comes to mind, again. i need....something....i just don't know what. a career change? perhaps. i have put my resume out there for a couple specific "dream jobs" that have come open in my current field. but i wonder sometimes if this is the wrong field for me. i always wanted to be a librarian. but it is more than that now. i want to help people. i have to be a change igniter in others. a location change? i don't know. this one is harder. on one side of the proverbial piece of paper i have a desire to move. go somewhere with more culture. a little smaller. more liberal. more something. on the other side of that sheet of paper is living in close proximity to my parents and the welfare of my daughter growing up close to them. a social change? perhaps. i know that some of my real life friends can read this. but i need to put this out there....the truth is, i am just not satisfied socially anymore. i don't mean that there are not enough opportunities for me to dance on a bar. it is something else. my soul is not getting nourished socially anymore. i want more. but more of what? i don't know. it is not good enough for me right now for someone to be "present" or "not ______"....i am looking at them, searching for what they are. i want more out of everyone and i know that is not a realistic expectation. familiarity is no longer comfortable and satisfying for me. i am a true virgo. i rather have one true close friend than know everyone at a party.
a big part of my therapy work this past year has been getting me to live outside my comfort zone. because as My Therapist astutely pointed out in the beginning...where did that comfort zone get ya? 373 is my answer. so whenever i found myself wailing "this feels so uncomfortable to me" she would push me to stay there and work from that point. i think i have done a phenomenal job of that so far. now i can identify being outside my comfort zone when it happens and i can personally push myself to stay there. so....i know a lot of what i am feeling right now is uncomfortable and that is why i am trying to identify where it is coming from so i can deal with it. i just don't know.
i know what i have written thus far sounds emotional....but i am not sad. i am eager. i am expectant. i am waiting with baited breath for whatever this next change is going to be.....i just wish i knew where the change was coming from.
i am torn at times about my spot here when it relates back to weight loss. on one hand, i am an attention seeking whore and i enjoy the compliments to when people notice the change in my physical self. but on the other hand....and this other hand is getting stronger and stronger every day...i want to move on from my former fat self and want others to do so too. i don't want to arrive somewhere and have people comment on my physical appearance -- i notice they do not say that to anyone else. ask me about the book i just read -- i am dying to talk about it with someone. ask me what i think of Obama. i have a lot of opinions on him. ask me what the best way to hard boil an egg. i love to cook. i have worked my ass off this past year to shed not only physical pounds but also the mental pounds to longer see myself as content as fat. i think all this hard word deserves to be recognized by not being treated like the "fat friend". i don't want for friends to think it is "ok" to talk about how much weight i have lost to people who did not know me "when". it is my past. my personal past. and i would like to gain some control in who has access to that past. and sometimes i think the only way to gain control is to run away. start over. cut ties. i am just not sure if it means small adjustments to my existing daily life here or a fresh start somewhere else.
i am bored with my life here. not sure if it is boredom or if it is something more. it could be that the life i have made for myself no longer serves the same purpose for me. in fact, i think that is the answer my therapist is going to give me. and that freaks me out a little. what if my life, the one i have made for myself to be comfortable in, is not mine afterall?
and it is that last line that brings me back to how i feel....empty. discontent. unrest. unsatisfied. uncomfortable.
i have a feeling of emptiness inside. a feeling of discontentment. a feeling of unrest. not sure if any of these words properlyy describe what i feel, but it is the closest i can come to describing what i feel. all i know is i want change. global change. the problem is, i can not pinpoint where this change needs to come from. and because i am a go-getter, a do-er, a make-it-happen-er....that is driving me crazy.
i have this strong desire to leave. move. startover. my life here was fine for someone who what dying on the inside both physically because of the weight and emotionally (because of the weight). i think it is very cavalier to say that *I* (generic/collective *I*) will be the same person after *I* lose weight. now that i am on the home stretch, i can tell you i am not sure if i am the same person.
same ol, same ol is not good enough anymore. status quo freaks me out. discontent comes to mind, again. i need....something....i just don't know what. a career change? perhaps. i have put my resume out there for a couple specific "dream jobs" that have come open in my current field. but i wonder sometimes if this is the wrong field for me. i always wanted to be a librarian. but it is more than that now. i want to help people. i have to be a change igniter in others. a location change? i don't know. this one is harder. on one side of the proverbial piece of paper i have a desire to move. go somewhere with more culture. a little smaller. more liberal. more something. on the other side of that sheet of paper is living in close proximity to my parents and the welfare of my daughter growing up close to them. a social change? perhaps. i know that some of my real life friends can read this. but i need to put this out there....the truth is, i am just not satisfied socially anymore. i don't mean that there are not enough opportunities for me to dance on a bar. it is something else. my soul is not getting nourished socially anymore. i want more. but more of what? i don't know. it is not good enough for me right now for someone to be "present" or "not ______"....i am looking at them, searching for what they are. i want more out of everyone and i know that is not a realistic expectation. familiarity is no longer comfortable and satisfying for me. i am a true virgo. i rather have one true close friend than know everyone at a party.
a big part of my therapy work this past year has been getting me to live outside my comfort zone. because as My Therapist astutely pointed out in the beginning...where did that comfort zone get ya? 373 is my answer. so whenever i found myself wailing "this feels so uncomfortable to me" she would push me to stay there and work from that point. i think i have done a phenomenal job of that so far. now i can identify being outside my comfort zone when it happens and i can personally push myself to stay there. so....i know a lot of what i am feeling right now is uncomfortable and that is why i am trying to identify where it is coming from so i can deal with it. i just don't know.
i know what i have written thus far sounds emotional....but i am not sad. i am eager. i am expectant. i am waiting with baited breath for whatever this next change is going to be.....i just wish i knew where the change was coming from.
i am torn at times about my spot here when it relates back to weight loss. on one hand, i am an attention seeking whore and i enjoy the compliments to when people notice the change in my physical self. but on the other hand....and this other hand is getting stronger and stronger every day...i want to move on from my former fat self and want others to do so too. i don't want to arrive somewhere and have people comment on my physical appearance -- i notice they do not say that to anyone else. ask me about the book i just read -- i am dying to talk about it with someone. ask me what i think of Obama. i have a lot of opinions on him. ask me what the best way to hard boil an egg. i love to cook. i have worked my ass off this past year to shed not only physical pounds but also the mental pounds to longer see myself as content as fat. i think all this hard word deserves to be recognized by not being treated like the "fat friend". i don't want for friends to think it is "ok" to talk about how much weight i have lost to people who did not know me "when". it is my past. my personal past. and i would like to gain some control in who has access to that past. and sometimes i think the only way to gain control is to run away. start over. cut ties. i am just not sure if it means small adjustments to my existing daily life here or a fresh start somewhere else.
i am bored with my life here. not sure if it is boredom or if it is something more. it could be that the life i have made for myself no longer serves the same purpose for me. in fact, i think that is the answer my therapist is going to give me. and that freaks me out a little. what if my life, the one i have made for myself to be comfortable in, is not mine afterall?
and it is that last line that brings me back to how i feel....empty. discontent. unrest. unsatisfied. uncomfortable.
Sunday, December 12, 2010
bench of reality....
i have blogged before about the "mirror of reality vs mirror of distortion".... this is my personal affliction that i still see my old self in the mirror and do not see what others see (reality) until i see a picture of myself. until i am removed from the moment and reflecting back on it.
last night i was at a party that i frequent for parties. i sat my sober (i swear i am going to lose these next 20 fast --- even if it means being sober) ass down on a bench. ok. so it is not a bench. it is a plank of wood held up by two upside down 5-gallon buckets. but it is the best seat in the house. right by the door so you can see who shows up together and who sneaks off upstairs together. while taking a picture with my friend, let's call her Kudy, last night it occurred to us two things...1. Kudy and I sure do like to monopolize the bench and 2. my weight loss can be serialized through pictures of me and Kudy on this bench.
here is the bench of reality...
December 11, 2010
one more time...
last night i was at a party that i frequent for parties. i sat my sober (i swear i am going to lose these next 20 fast --- even if it means being sober) ass down on a bench. ok. so it is not a bench. it is a plank of wood held up by two upside down 5-gallon buckets. but it is the best seat in the house. right by the door so you can see who shows up together and who sneaks off upstairs together. while taking a picture with my friend, let's call her Kudy, last night it occurred to us two things...1. Kudy and I sure do like to monopolize the bench and 2. my weight loss can be serialized through pictures of me and Kudy on this bench.
here is the bench of reality...
October 31, 2009 (Kudy was taking the picture)
Again, October 31, 2009 (Kudy still behind the camera)
April 17, 2010 -- Me and Kudy on the bench. (it was a gender bending dress-up party. she does not usually let her facial hair get so dark --lol)
April 17, 2010 -- earlier in the night in full costume.
June 19, 2010. Kudy decided it was more important to visit family in the Midwest than sit on a bench with me.
December 11, 2010
one more time...
lest i get to full of myself here... i did get bitch slapped by a fat girl last night. ok. so i am bitter... she is someone i went on a couple dates with in the summer of 09. then freaked out and disappeared. i heard she was dating men after that. and now she is back. whatever. so.... she was drunk last night and came over to talk. and a real beanpole skinny friend walked by and she drunkenly leans into me and says: "you know what heidi, it doesn't matter how much weight we lose, we will never be that skinny." fuck you, you fat stupid bitch. i know she was drunk and trying to be friendly....but seriously? you are going to try to bond with me over the fat thing? first off, what is this "we" shit? second off...i will...as far as i am concerned....i will be that skinny. i was kind of pissed. how dare she come over and bring her bad mojo to "my bench"... so i just smiled and told her that i planned to be that skinny after all my plastic surgery and that i am going to be Barbie. then Kudy, M and I went back to our bench sitting and talked about working out while she just stood there. like i said i am bitter. i am over being a fat friend (that blog post has been swirling around in my head for months....). there is so much more that i can on about...ugh. but i just want to release it....but let me just say this....oh nevermind....stay tuned....lol.... because yeah...i hate lesbian drama, but i have a card was placed in my back pocket waiting to be played...
Thursday, December 9, 2010
weird.
while nothing traumatic happened today....i feel like, as i sit here quietly reflecting on the day, that it was a roller coaster of ups and downs.
the morning started out with a mammogram. a couple weeks ago i felt something in my left breast. my nurse practitioner at the obgyn felt it at my annual exam the same week and thought it could just be dense breast tissue but sent me for a mammo anyways. i found myself all morning chanting in my head: "i can not die. i am my daughter's only real parent. i can not die. i am a mom". i am not sure who i was chanting to. God. a Higher Power. Myself. The Wind. i am not sure. but i emotionally exhausted myself. my mammo was negative and there were no concerns. i am good to go for another year. it was not until later when i read the report that i actually laughed. it says: "There has been interval decrease in size of the breasts compatible with interval weight loss". LOL. there was not conversations about me losing weight. there was no scale. i guess the two deflated water balloons at my waistband gave it all away!!! as i told a friend today....should the need arise, i could tuck my boobs into my pants if needed. seriously. it is a good thing i can now tuck in my shirts and wear a good belt. because now i have something to tuck in, my boobs. lol.
after the mammo i went to the mall. i had a 40% off coupon and wanted to get a jacket at the Gap. i didn't get it. i didn't get anything. everything looked sloppy on me. it was weird. not to buy anything because the larges were sloppy on me. i was bummed. but i wasn't. just a weird feeling.
next stop was my department's holiday party. i am a department director and we were sharing our party with three other departments. the luncheon was at the Improv. as department director i had to put on my hostess face and mingle with everyone. i actually enjoyed that part as i have career threads back to the other three departments and it was just great seeing former employees and co-workers i never get to see anymore. due to the nature of these departments most are men. good ole boy blue collar men. i love them. they were cute. most have not seen me for a while so there were lots of kisses and hugs and quite a few "ma'am, is it ok if i tell you that you are looking great?". so cute. in general terms, i can say that the women fell into three categories.... the fat ones avoided me. the thin ones were all over me. and the third category i will address separately below as it is one specific person. but back to the first two categories... first i HATE that i am now the person who could possibly make an overweight person feel bad. really. because for my whole life i was on the other end. but one of the thin ones said something that gave me pause for thought....we had greeted each other when she arrived. and later when we were all eating she got up and came across the room and whispered to me: "i don't know if you get tired of heating this but i just want you to know that you really are looking great." and i told her "thank you. and no, i don't get tired of hearing it". i know i sound so fucking full of myself here. but in that moment i made a commitment to myself to embrace the attention. enjoy it. i deserve it. it makes me feel good. and it is about damn time i feel good about myself.
so...the specific woman that has sent me to my blog this evening is the woman who talked me into not only having the surgery but directed me use my surgeon. she is the woman that saved my life. she is not only an employee but also a constituent for the government i work for. in the summer of 2009 i ran into her at a council meeting and complimented her on her weight loss. it was during a lunch break from the meeting and she told me to grab my lunch from the line and go sit in the hall with her. and sitting there in the hall she told me she had surgery. i told her how i looked into surgery before and was not sure if it was for me. she told me to do it. just like that. she told me she did because her son wanted to do it and she was scared of him dying. they did it together to save their lives together. she told me to call my surgeon. to use her name. i don't know why, but i listened to her after avoiding this surgery for 4 years. she is the woman who saved my life. i have told her this many times over the last year. the last time i saw her (a couple months ago) she told me she gained 40 pounds. i didn't think she looked like it then. today, i noticed the gain. it is so much more. i am sad. i am scared. i know. i know. i know just because she has gained weight does not mean i will. but....sigh. what a fucking mindfuck. seeing her today. nevermind, the uncomfortable greeting between us. how i felt her eyes on me the whole time i was working the room. the little voice in my head has already told me that i should go out to her community in the next couple weeks and visit with her and give her the strength that she gave me. i owe that much to the woman who saved my life.
i have to interject here that i am also happy that my holiday season obligations are now over. hannukah has passed. i have hosted three parties in my home. hosted my work party. and i am done. done. done with the socializing. done with the food. just done to enjoy the next couple weeks without many obligations.
tonight i ended up back at the mall. the princess wanted to go to Stir Crazy and make her own dinner and i was in the mood for ahi tuna anyways. then we went to old navy. i got a couple sweaters. then i bought myself faux uggs at Skechers. i am still not sure why i did that. they were only $30. and they are kind of cute. but i am 38 years old and live in florida. lol. the princess walked off with a new sweater and a pillow pet (unicorn to go with her panda).
speaking of dinner... i have some crazy restriction going on right now. not sure if it is from some work stress or the cold weather but i am tight. not too tight but very much at a sweet spot and aware of the band doing its job.
just a weird day. like i said, nothing traumatic or crazy....just a lot of swings in my emotions. like at times the weight loss is so dominant in my experience and at other times it is so far removed from what i am feeling.
the morning started out with a mammogram. a couple weeks ago i felt something in my left breast. my nurse practitioner at the obgyn felt it at my annual exam the same week and thought it could just be dense breast tissue but sent me for a mammo anyways. i found myself all morning chanting in my head: "i can not die. i am my daughter's only real parent. i can not die. i am a mom". i am not sure who i was chanting to. God. a Higher Power. Myself. The Wind. i am not sure. but i emotionally exhausted myself. my mammo was negative and there were no concerns. i am good to go for another year. it was not until later when i read the report that i actually laughed. it says: "There has been interval decrease in size of the breasts compatible with interval weight loss". LOL. there was not conversations about me losing weight. there was no scale. i guess the two deflated water balloons at my waistband gave it all away!!! as i told a friend today....should the need arise, i could tuck my boobs into my pants if needed. seriously. it is a good thing i can now tuck in my shirts and wear a good belt. because now i have something to tuck in, my boobs. lol.
after the mammo i went to the mall. i had a 40% off coupon and wanted to get a jacket at the Gap. i didn't get it. i didn't get anything. everything looked sloppy on me. it was weird. not to buy anything because the larges were sloppy on me. i was bummed. but i wasn't. just a weird feeling.
next stop was my department's holiday party. i am a department director and we were sharing our party with three other departments. the luncheon was at the Improv. as department director i had to put on my hostess face and mingle with everyone. i actually enjoyed that part as i have career threads back to the other three departments and it was just great seeing former employees and co-workers i never get to see anymore. due to the nature of these departments most are men. good ole boy blue collar men. i love them. they were cute. most have not seen me for a while so there were lots of kisses and hugs and quite a few "ma'am, is it ok if i tell you that you are looking great?". so cute. in general terms, i can say that the women fell into three categories.... the fat ones avoided me. the thin ones were all over me. and the third category i will address separately below as it is one specific person. but back to the first two categories... first i HATE that i am now the person who could possibly make an overweight person feel bad. really. because for my whole life i was on the other end. but one of the thin ones said something that gave me pause for thought....we had greeted each other when she arrived. and later when we were all eating she got up and came across the room and whispered to me: "i don't know if you get tired of heating this but i just want you to know that you really are looking great." and i told her "thank you. and no, i don't get tired of hearing it". i know i sound so fucking full of myself here. but in that moment i made a commitment to myself to embrace the attention. enjoy it. i deserve it. it makes me feel good. and it is about damn time i feel good about myself.
so...the specific woman that has sent me to my blog this evening is the woman who talked me into not only having the surgery but directed me use my surgeon. she is the woman that saved my life. she is not only an employee but also a constituent for the government i work for. in the summer of 2009 i ran into her at a council meeting and complimented her on her weight loss. it was during a lunch break from the meeting and she told me to grab my lunch from the line and go sit in the hall with her. and sitting there in the hall she told me she had surgery. i told her how i looked into surgery before and was not sure if it was for me. she told me to do it. just like that. she told me she did because her son wanted to do it and she was scared of him dying. they did it together to save their lives together. she told me to call my surgeon. to use her name. i don't know why, but i listened to her after avoiding this surgery for 4 years. she is the woman who saved my life. i have told her this many times over the last year. the last time i saw her (a couple months ago) she told me she gained 40 pounds. i didn't think she looked like it then. today, i noticed the gain. it is so much more. i am sad. i am scared. i know. i know. i know just because she has gained weight does not mean i will. but....sigh. what a fucking mindfuck. seeing her today. nevermind, the uncomfortable greeting between us. how i felt her eyes on me the whole time i was working the room. the little voice in my head has already told me that i should go out to her community in the next couple weeks and visit with her and give her the strength that she gave me. i owe that much to the woman who saved my life.
i have to interject here that i am also happy that my holiday season obligations are now over. hannukah has passed. i have hosted three parties in my home. hosted my work party. and i am done. done. done with the socializing. done with the food. just done to enjoy the next couple weeks without many obligations.
tonight i ended up back at the mall. the princess wanted to go to Stir Crazy and make her own dinner and i was in the mood for ahi tuna anyways. then we went to old navy. i got a couple sweaters. then i bought myself faux uggs at Skechers. i am still not sure why i did that. they were only $30. and they are kind of cute. but i am 38 years old and live in florida. lol. the princess walked off with a new sweater and a pillow pet (unicorn to go with her panda).
speaking of dinner... i have some crazy restriction going on right now. not sure if it is from some work stress or the cold weather but i am tight. not too tight but very much at a sweet spot and aware of the band doing its job.
just a weird day. like i said, nothing traumatic or crazy....just a lot of swings in my emotions. like at times the weight loss is so dominant in my experience and at other times it is so far removed from what i am feeling.
Sunday, December 5, 2010
not hungry...
i have no appetite. well. that is a lie. i have no real appetite for real food like protein. i have no problem eating when it comes to chocolate covered mickey pretzels, though.
beginning last night and through tuesday night i am hosting 4 events at my house...last night was friends hannukah party. tonight is family hannukah party. tomorrow is "straight" book club holiday party and then tuesday is "lesbian" book club at my house. lots of food, to say the least. i love to cook and entertain. and even before surgery, i would remember that by the time i got done cooking and serving i would be too exhausted to eat. last night i was not exhausted. i just couldn't eat. it is so weird to me to have a plate of food in front of me and not have any desire to eat it.
it is the same thing with people who buy something "just for a taste".... that blows my mind. you take a bit out of a sandwich and throw it away? crazy. just crazy.
yesterday i went to macys and bought myself a coat. it is a jason kole wool peacoat. very cute. size large (had to get that in). it was weird for me to buy what i was thinking as a "forever" coat. since i have been trying to lose weight the last twenty years i always resisted buying staples like a coat because "this year i swear i am going to lose weight". i did have one long wool coat that was useful when i lived in charlotte and atlanta and for travel....but i have had that one for almost 20 years...and i never bought anything else because that was my staple to hold me over "while i lost weight". so the price tag on the coat i found yesterday was $185. i did not pull it off the rack because the saleswoman ran around the floor finding me all kinds of peacoats (i have one of the most helpful macys by my house). so....i really liked it. liked how i looked in it and resigned myself to pay the $$$$ for it....knowing it would most likely be my forever coat. so, i have to tell you i was much delighted when it rang up for $89! but here is the thing... i also saw a jacket at the GAP i liked. i have a 40% off coupon good for this thursday so i am going to go back and get that too. they have different looks to them and i like them both equally.
this is new for me....(and a small lesson my former girlfriend helped me to discover).... when you weigh 373 pounds you are just happy "something" fits you. you don't really pay attention to how it looks on you --- as long as it goes over your head and no buttons pop. right? now that i am in a more normal range -- i am looking at how it fits and also looking for more options -- more looks. so now, for the first time in my life, it makes sense to me to own more than one winter coat/jacket. new for me.
beginning last night and through tuesday night i am hosting 4 events at my house...last night was friends hannukah party. tonight is family hannukah party. tomorrow is "straight" book club holiday party and then tuesday is "lesbian" book club at my house. lots of food, to say the least. i love to cook and entertain. and even before surgery, i would remember that by the time i got done cooking and serving i would be too exhausted to eat. last night i was not exhausted. i just couldn't eat. it is so weird to me to have a plate of food in front of me and not have any desire to eat it.
it is the same thing with people who buy something "just for a taste".... that blows my mind. you take a bit out of a sandwich and throw it away? crazy. just crazy.
yesterday i went to macys and bought myself a coat. it is a jason kole wool peacoat. very cute. size large (had to get that in). it was weird for me to buy what i was thinking as a "forever" coat. since i have been trying to lose weight the last twenty years i always resisted buying staples like a coat because "this year i swear i am going to lose weight". i did have one long wool coat that was useful when i lived in charlotte and atlanta and for travel....but i have had that one for almost 20 years...and i never bought anything else because that was my staple to hold me over "while i lost weight". so the price tag on the coat i found yesterday was $185. i did not pull it off the rack because the saleswoman ran around the floor finding me all kinds of peacoats (i have one of the most helpful macys by my house). so....i really liked it. liked how i looked in it and resigned myself to pay the $$$$ for it....knowing it would most likely be my forever coat. so, i have to tell you i was much delighted when it rang up for $89! but here is the thing... i also saw a jacket at the GAP i liked. i have a 40% off coupon good for this thursday so i am going to go back and get that too. they have different looks to them and i like them both equally.
this is new for me....(and a small lesson my former girlfriend helped me to discover).... when you weigh 373 pounds you are just happy "something" fits you. you don't really pay attention to how it looks on you --- as long as it goes over your head and no buttons pop. right? now that i am in a more normal range -- i am looking at how it fits and also looking for more options -- more looks. so now, for the first time in my life, it makes sense to me to own more than one winter coat/jacket. new for me.
Monday, November 8, 2010
day 365
today is a day of reflection. it is the last day of the first year of the rest of my life. (geez....the tears are already flowing....). tomorrow will be my one-year band anniversary.
it really has been a couple weeks of reflection. starting with a visit with Babbling Amy on October 29. it was just wonderful. we talked. the kids played. we sat in the hot tub. we at AMAZING homemade broccoli ham cheddar soup. we both talked about being "stuck" both on the scale and in our heads. and we decided that our one-year anniversaries need not be "Day 366" but Day 1. it is not the homestretch. it is a new beginning. for me, i have to lose 40 more pounds. i have lost a gazillion this year....i *think* i can eeek out another 40. seriously. is 1/3 of what i have lost this year. it is really 3-4 pounds a month over the next year. sure, it is a step back from my rockstar 10 pounders....but not only totally doable--- but really realistic.
i am training with a personal trainer twice a week. she is the same lady that comes to my support group once a month. four of us got together and she agreed to train with us at the same time for only $20 each per session. it is great. lots of one on one time. she is helping me focus on my arms and belly.
love life is divine. i am definitely in the pre-stages of love. she is just incredible. i can't believe she is in my life. we are really happy together.
i am still struggling with the mirror of distortion vs. the mirror of reality....so i share the following for my own reinforcement.
last year at Disney Halloween Party:
this year.... (the princess is aerial and i am ursala from the little mermaid):
me at the grown-up halloween party last year:
me at the grown-up halloween party this year:
and so many NSVs in the last month it is sometime overwhelming.... i never really blogged in whole about vegas...so some NSVs from that trip and a report on buffet eating....
Vegas NSVs:
- i never got tired from walking.
i danced on a bar. in order to dance on a bar you need to climb up and down from the bar. did that. - sat on the floor of the airport.
- and i fucking ziplined down a street off the top of a 5 story building. to do that one must get weighed. i was waved on by by the lovely woman who stood guard at the scale. the guy in front of me weighed in at 250 and was told he was right on the dot.
- i shopped at Guess and bought myself two new items of clothing. the young sales girl did not give me a funny look...instead she ran around the store picking out things she thought would look perfect on lil ole me.
- while in vegas i threw out a lot of the clothes i wore -- including all my pajamas because they were ridiculously big.
and here are some other NSVs....
- my personal trainer sees me as "advance" in what i can do. i am the last person to have surgery in our group of four but she sees me as the one she can push because i don't have any "limitations".
- the hot woman i am dating stayed over the other night and did not have anything to wear the next day...so she pulled a pair of pants and a sweater out of my closet and wore them. she is a perfect womanly size 12. the pants were regular size 14s. Sweater was INC large. sweater was perfect on her, pants were a little baggy. to think i have a girlfriend who can wear my clothes....strange. awesome.
- i wore a size 12 old navy denin skirt yesterday.
- it feels like of cruel saying this...but it *was* one of my goals... i am NOT the fattest mom in my daughter's kindergarten class.
the jimmy buffett song "lovely cruise" has been in my head all morning. if you don't know it...google it...listen to it... you need the tune to understand the words....i shall leave you with the lyrics as my final thoughts on this past year....because, really, those harbor lights....they're coming into view
Drink it up
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
stop going to home depot for groceries....
those were the final words my therapist's mouth as i left today. in addition to reading my good-bye letter (see below) i also talked to her about my mom's lack of support lately. it has gone beyond just her size 14 comment that i blogged about last week...but even cutting off anyone who dared to compliment me during rosh hashanah to tell them about all her fabulous volunteer work. basically, per my therapist, i am no longer allowed to email my mom pictures of myself or call her to gush. i need to redefine my support system. actually, i need to recognize my incredible support system in real life that i don't tap into often. i am not good at asking for help. for admitting i am weak or imperfect. it is something i am working on.
in addition to having a therapy session today, my therapist also did a group session at support group tonight. the topic of discussion was coping skills. we talked about what coping skills accomplish and came up with a long list of good coping skills. this was all done from the point of view that we no longer could use food as a coping mechanism. from that list we had to choose 10 and write them down on a paper we should carry with us as reference. mine include:
so...today was my personal tashlich. the most important of my life. i sat on the sea wall of the intracoastal in fort lauderdale. under a sea grape tree. watching boats go by. the current was so minimal it was almost dancing a sweet ballet for me. i brought the picture of me with cinderella last year. and before i read the letter i ripped my image into 3 pieces and dropped them in the water. i let the larger piece of cinderella and my princess float away -- but did not rip the princess. i then read the following letter. no copies exist of the letter. only this vlog. i did this vlog outside my office. towards the end i start look around because the lawn guy was coming towards me with his big mower and i *knew* i could not possibly read this again and get through the rest of the day at work. so i start to hurry up. but the whole letter is here. i know i am *really* exposing myself here (you even get a good batwing shot)...but if i am going to blog with integrity and live my life with integrity...i need to put it all out there.
in addition to having a therapy session today, my therapist also did a group session at support group tonight. the topic of discussion was coping skills. we talked about what coping skills accomplish and came up with a long list of good coping skills. this was all done from the point of view that we no longer could use food as a coping mechanism. from that list we had to choose 10 and write them down on a paper we should carry with us as reference. mine include:
- reaching out (if we chose this one we also had to list 3 "Publix"
and not any "Home Depots") - visualization
- meditation
- blasting loud music
- crafting
- moving my body
- blogging
- reflection
- cleaning
- reality checks
so...today was my personal tashlich. the most important of my life. i sat on the sea wall of the intracoastal in fort lauderdale. under a sea grape tree. watching boats go by. the current was so minimal it was almost dancing a sweet ballet for me. i brought the picture of me with cinderella last year. and before i read the letter i ripped my image into 3 pieces and dropped them in the water. i let the larger piece of cinderella and my princess float away -- but did not rip the princess. i then read the following letter. no copies exist of the letter. only this vlog. i did this vlog outside my office. towards the end i start look around because the lawn guy was coming towards me with his big mower and i *knew* i could not possibly read this again and get through the rest of the day at work. so i start to hurry up. but the whole letter is here. i know i am *really* exposing myself here (you even get a good batwing shot)...but if i am going to blog with integrity and live my life with integrity...i need to put it all out there.
ok. here goes nothing....
Saturday, September 4, 2010
saying good-bye
 |
| Me, Key West Thanksgiving 2002 |
that night, and for the rest of our time in key west, i tapped into my new found ownership of meditating and would sit outside and meditate in my thoughts. sitting on the dock, i would imagine the 150 pounds that i had lost at that point drifting out to the bay in the current. i had images in my mind of placing pictures of my former self in the water and watching them disappear.
when i returned from my trip, i told my therapist about the reading. i did not mention my visual meditations. telling her about the reading, i got very choked up. and, i am pretty sure i am not imagining this, but i think she did too. she told me that a few months ago she did not think i was ready, but perhaps i would like to consider writing a good-bye letter to my former self and we could go out to the intracoastal outside her office and i could read it out loud and then destroy the letter and let it find its way down the waterway and into the ocean. that is when i told her about my visual meditations in the keys. we agreed that i would think about doing this exercise and that there was no rush.
the thing is, ever since i left that session on august 23rd all i can think about is writing the letter. i compose parts and think of the letter's structure all the time. when i told my therapist that this past week she hit her forehead with her hand and said she KNEW i would be making an outline...lol. whatevah. it takes nerdy anal people to make this world of ours go round....lol... i do know i want it to have 3 distinct parts... 1. an acknowledgement of all the great aspects of my former self. the parts of my personality and being that, while at times may have been overcompensation for my physical appearance, were special and exceptionally heidi. 2. a good-bye to whatever emotional baggage i am holding onto and is holding me back. good-bye to the girl in the picture above. 3. a thank you to myself for making the decision to have surgery and for committing to healing my body, mind and heart. i have not sat down and written the letter yet, but have set a goal of having it complete by september 13. i will turn 38 on september 14.
i am ready. i am ready to close this chapter of my life. i am ready to release my former 373 pound self and move forward. of course, this is going to be a situation of mind over matter --- because the physical scars of my 373 pound self remain... the excess skin issues, most notably. but i am at peace with myself and letting go and i know i can, probably for the first time in my life, focus my mind and not sweat the matter. which brings me to the other emotional growth issue i am facing.
early on in therapy, my therapist pointed out that like many addicts and narcissists (and i happen to be both!) i don't like to be with myself. as introspective as i may come across here, what she saw was someone who likes to find stimulation and validation on the outside of herself. i wasn't sure i was buying it when she brought it up, but i swallowed it for future digestion. one example she used was -- what do you do at a red light? i check my blackberry or read or play number games in my head with the gas prices listed on the street corner. i have been doing the number game since i was a child. she told me that was a perfect example of me not wanting to be alone with myself or my thoughts. and that it probably started in my childhood in the back of my parents station wagon as a form of self-soothing...which is all food was to me as well. she pointed out that even my constant reading of books was going outside myself.
so...what became very clear to me after our week at the rental house in the keys was that i could really learn to love being in quietness and alone. i would sit out on that dock and just think and think and think. an avid reader, i got through only ONE book in the ten days of my keys vacation. when i came back home and got into the swing of things i found that social obligations (including my own birthday party) and requests for attention from my staff were really "bothersome" (for lack of a better word) to me. i.just.wanted.to.be.left.alone. sure, there was a lot going on with kindergarten and work drama -- but what i came to realize in this is that i don't want to be that person out there all the time organizing, leading and in charge. and that is a huge change from who i have been the last 20 years and more specifically the last 5 years. and through recollection of my therapist's suggestion about my unwillingness to be alone in myself and following up with a conversation with her this week...i finally "get it". i was always The Boss™. because if i was telling other people what to do, i did not have time to deal with myself. if it was my role to critique people, i did not have to critique myself. if i had to make myself available to other people, i did not have to be available to myself. maybe common sense to your emotionally healthy people out there. not so much to me.
so where does that leave me? well...i started out my professional career working in archives. that is where my interest was. sixteen long years later i have been on a journey that took me away from what i wanted to be when i grew up. but i still haven't grown up and i still want to work in a library, museum or something like that. when i close my eyes and meditate lately about my career path -- that is where i see myself. to be true to myself, and perhaps find another facet of happiness in me, it means a lot of things will need to happen. the one word all of these things have in common is: change. change in employer. change in salary (major decrease). maybe change in location. change in lifestyle. i am ready for this change. not today. not next week. but my goals now as far as work goes is not to aggressively advance myself into the next level of management (which would be top executive) but to find happiness. elsewhere.
it is time to say good-bye to who i thought i was and embrace who i am really meant to be. i no longer have to prove my abilities to overcompensate for my physical appearance. i am no longer avoiding being just me and just alone with me. i don't have to be anyone else except me. heidi. mom. healthy.
just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, it became a butterfly.
Monday, August 23, 2010
feelings...
woh, woh, woh feeeeeeeelings.
they fucking suck.
having never really experienced or felt what i am going through in the past due to my wittle food addiction issue...i am just not used to feeling things. talking about my feelings. or even admitting i have them. well, apparently there is a reason for this. my parents, namely my mother, aren't too keen on expressing feelings. as i have been going through this journey, i have come to realize that she is quick to shut down any expression of feeling. and when you are used to just numbing your feelings with food and don't have the physical means to do it anymore...well... it fucking sucks.
she just called to see how the first day of kindergarten drop off went. school starts at 8AM and my main office is about 30 minutes away from the school. because i am my kid's only parent when it comes to getting her to school, etc. and the school does not have a before-care program -- i need to get her there early most days. i do have some flexibility with getting to work but in the instances where i need to be at work early (some call this "on-time", apparently) the school does open the cafeteria at 7:10 and as long as you drop your kid off by 7:30 they can get into the cafeteria and have breakfast. so that is my modified solo-mom before-care program.
what i am realizing is that my mother can no longer be my "other adult". she is not a co-parent. she is not my friend. (all these things the enmeshment has led me to believe). she is barely my own functioning parent. i am finalizing realizing that i may need to go outside my sick little family and create my own. interestingly enough, last night i got three surprising text messages of unsolicited support. One from Bachelorette #1 (or was she #2...i can't remember), one from my closest straight-mommy friends who has a son a year older than the princess and one from -- of all people -- my daughter's biological father. it was very nice of all of them to reach out to me on the eve of a very big day for me and princess.
i am counting down the hours to when i will have possession (lol) of my child again. i am still on vacation from work. this afternoon i will go see my therapist (ooh-doggie, she will be earning her fee today! lol) and then i go get my nails done...and then i will steal my baby back from that evil school board. lol...
they fucking suck.
having never really experienced or felt what i am going through in the past due to my wittle food addiction issue...i am just not used to feeling things. talking about my feelings. or even admitting i have them. well, apparently there is a reason for this. my parents, namely my mother, aren't too keen on expressing feelings. as i have been going through this journey, i have come to realize that she is quick to shut down any expression of feeling. and when you are used to just numbing your feelings with food and don't have the physical means to do it anymore...well... it fucking sucks.
she just called to see how the first day of kindergarten drop off went. school starts at 8AM and my main office is about 30 minutes away from the school. because i am my kid's only parent when it comes to getting her to school, etc. and the school does not have a before-care program -- i need to get her there early most days. i do have some flexibility with getting to work but in the instances where i need to be at work early (some call this "on-time", apparently) the school does open the cafeteria at 7:10 and as long as you drop your kid off by 7:30 they can get into the cafeteria and have breakfast. so that is my modified solo-mom before-care program. so this morning i went through the breakfast line routine with the princess. and when my mom called i told her the following: she is not used to carrying trays of food and it is really too big for her. i also mentioned that it was hard for her to reach for the food and the silverware was really out of reach. my mom starts YELLING at me. yes, YELLING at me to just get "over it" and stop making issues. i told her i was not making issues -- i was just telling her what i observed and i may need to reconsider the breakfast at school idea and instead just get her there before the doors close at 7:30 or just be late for work until it becomes an issue. her response was that people will be falling over themselves to help the princess. i told her that we can't depend on that thought. she then YELLED "i can see where today is going". yep. you're right mom. it is going somewhere where an adult might fucking FEEL something and want to process it by talking about it and maybe even bouncing ideas for a solution off another SANE adult. but, you're not sane, mom.
you see, i am not a big believer in that because my kid is cute people are just going to drop everything to help her. a *grandmother* may think that is what will happen...but i am her practical and logical mother. i don't live in la la world. i live in a world where i need to make sure there is a working system in place for my kid to be independent.
my mom said something about i really don't need to worry because the princess will make a lot of friends. i mention that it seems like a lot of the kids in the class know each other already from camp or daycare or something. just a statement. she said i am making that up. i told her "no, the parents were talking about it". i also said that the princess is more interested in talking to the teacher and other grown-ups (a trait that comes from having a solo-parent and no siblings that can work for or against you depending on the situation) and that she didn't seem to notice when the kids started to scoooch her out of line so they could sit together and by the time they went into the classroom she was sitting in the middle of the hall alone while all the other kids were sitting together and talking along the wall. again my mother YELLED at me that i was making problems. i told her that i was not. i was just telling her what i observed. she YELLED at me that i observed "wrong" and then got off the phone.
so that left me crying. crying because i feel so out of control with this kindergarten thing. crying because i am worried about my princess. and crying because i am almost 38 and my mother can still fucking do this to me. and crying most of all because i can not go downstairs and eat and make it all go away....far far away from my feelings.
i am so fed up with my mother and her fucking insanity lately. she is so fucking unhealthy and as i get healthy it really just bothers me. she can't deal with anything. so she just avoids it -- by not participating or yelling that it is not true or going shopping or eating or going to the casino or or or....
last week the princess and i took a break from our Keys vacation and came up for orientation. i invited my mother to go because i thought she would want to see the school, etc. after all, she has so many fucking opinions on everything lol. i also invited her to go because we were having a 504 plan (physical needs issues) meeting with her whole team at the school...and, ya know, it would be nice to have some adult back-up FOR ME when dealing with this shit. my mom told me that she may go to the orientation at 8 but had to be back in her neighborhood for a charity meeting at 10. fine. day of the orientation she says she is not coming down just to turn around. during the meeting i hear my phone ring in my purse. when we leave i see it was my mom calling around 10:30 from her house. hmmmm. so we call her back and i ask her how her meeting was. she stumbles for an answer and then tells me that she didn't go. so she avoided kindergarten. she avoided the special needs meeting. she avoided helping me. look, my mom, her mom, my aunts, my sister (and yes, even me) have suffered from depression. and the more and more i get healthy the more and more i am angry at her for inflicting her shit on me. inflicting it on me when i was growing up and putting me in a position to be enmeshed and addicted. and inflicting it on me now when i am trying so hard to be a healthy mother for my own daughter.
it would just be so nice to have a SANE mother to share my observations with. i KNOW the princess will figure out how to carry the tray, get the spoons, open the milk, make friends, etc. but i really don't see what the big fucking deal is for me to talk about my FEELINGS and WORRY away from my daughter with another adult.
hey, mom. guess what? putting your head in the sand and not seeing things for what they are and making everything "all right" all the time for your kid and encouraging other adults to do the same for your kid only ends up with your "kid" being in their 30s and weighing 373 pounds. no.fucking.thank.you.
what i am realizing is that my mother can no longer be my "other adult". she is not a co-parent. she is not my friend. (all these things the enmeshment has led me to believe). she is barely my own functioning parent. i am finalizing realizing that i may need to go outside my sick little family and create my own. interestingly enough, last night i got three surprising text messages of unsolicited support. One from Bachelorette #1 (or was she #2...i can't remember), one from my closest straight-mommy friends who has a son a year older than the princess and one from -- of all people -- my daughter's biological father. it was very nice of all of them to reach out to me on the eve of a very big day for me and princess.
i am counting down the hours to when i will have possession (lol) of my child again. i am still on vacation from work. this afternoon i will go see my therapist (ooh-doggie, she will be earning her fee today! lol) and then i go get my nails done...and then i will steal my baby back from that evil school board. lol...
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