food, food, food.

yesterday i only ate the chilli, cheese and crackers for lunch and then the salmon salad and cheese crisps for dinner.  i snacked on the cheese cubes during the day.   ok...so two small italian pastries found their way to my mouth as well if you must know *everything*, lol.   i don't even LIKE sweets that much.  then i went to support group and it was a good demo.  they made crab stuffed mushrooms and zucchini crust pizza.    the mushroom filled me up so i did not try the pizza.   here is something new, for me at least....instead of bread crumbs ground up salted roasted pumpkin seeds and use them as bread crumbs!  who knew?

so....today i still have the egg salad and turkey/laughing cow roll ups.   because i obviously live in fear of not having enough food around me (hello, food issues), i also brought in some cottage cheese and lobster bisque and cheese crisps.   these are not the gluten free cheese crisps so i am taking a 14 gram carb hit with them. 

so far today, i am working on getting an EAS shake down.  less protein than my homemade shakes but it is going down slow.  so i know i have restriction.  self control?  that is another issue.  lol.

i am at work today....but obviously i am very unproductive.  it is too quiet around here this time of year.  i will be leaving early to go work on scouting out a location for the princess' 6th (!!!!!!) birthday party in february.  and then i am going to a winter solstice celebration.  should be interesting as this one is more ritual based than "let's get drunk and party" based.     i am bringing the rest of the tray of italian pastries that were delivered to my office yesterday.  yes, i am re-gifting a dessert platter.  what-evah.  lol. 

channeling my inner hippie...

one thing that has come out of this weight loss journey is the realization, denial, anger and acceptance that i am food obsessed.    some of you are reading this and thinking "what's wrong with being food obsessed? lol"  and to you -- i say: NOTHING!   nothing -- if you channel it correctly and do not go to extremes.  

my newest food obsession is Local Food.   i have been slowly reading about it online and have begun to think of ways to incorporate local food into my daily life.   of course, being the obsessive perfectionist i am -- i will study this until i master it.    i hope to share this education and journey here on my blog.

there are many different ways to define Local Food.   i am using the loose definition of DGD (day-goods-distance) which uses 400 miles as a distance -- which is one day's travel.  i plan to hone in on opportunities where it is less than a day's travel and maybe try to limit it to my immediate geographic area or 100 miles since much of our suburban area here was farms and there are some still left.  in fact, a local farm operates a seasonal store right outside my development and i have frequented it for years.   

i understand this is a huge commitment.  but i believe it in.   i have always been a Whole Foods Market type girl -- both for the quality of foods, my own gluten intolerance issues and the concept.   i also understand that local food is somewhat trendy right now.   but what better to be trendy about than fostering the local economy, supporting energy efficient consumerism and being healthy?

my first steps are to commit to no longer buying produce or eggs (when possible) in any grocery store.   i will only buy from local farms and markets.  i am also going to investigate joining a CSA (Community Supported Agriculture).   this simple system operates like a co-op.   you buy in a share and every week for the season you pick up a box of fresh produce.  

unlike when i lived in atlanta, i am unaware of any co-op natural food stores here in south florida.  but if i do find one, i will consider shopping there.   in the meantime, for my cheeses and other produced foods i will continue to frequent Whole Foods and other organic store and purchase from their "Local Food" case -- except for that damn English sharp cheddar cheese Whole Foods has me AND the princess addicted to.  yeah, my 5 year old now requests imported english cheese.  lol.

i am interested in hearing other ways you all incorporate this local food movement into your life.   i am not really a good gardener so i do not see myself growing my own tomatoes yet....

lots on my mind...

i have been pretty reflective since my visit to the mental health counselor last week.   nothing too deep....but i have allowed myself to step back and just "observe" my life and my interactions with my parents, daughter and food.   nothing earth shattering revealed.  there is definitely a problem.   but there is most likely a good solution for all involved.   right now i am still at the point that i don't want to do anything that will hurt my mom.  i know through therapy i will get past those feelings.

here are some snippets:

my mom told me that she was mentioning to someone that not only is her daughter "disappearing", she never seems me anymore because i "don't really eat much anymore".   er.  um.  houston..i think we have a problem.... lol

i have become increasingly aware, and perhaps uncomfortable, with the amount of times i call my parents a day.   and more importantly, i am realizing how much i am training the princess to do this.

step by step.  day by day.  i will worry about crossing the river when i get to it.... <--- speaking of those mantras....i forgot to mention last week that i talked to the therapist last week about being overwhelmed with the idea of not knowing what i will look like as i continue to lose since i have not been this low in my adult life.   she had the best response... i don't need to worry about that since it really is gradual and continual.  duh.

which brings me to this mind-blowing news... i jumped on my parents WiiFit this weekend.  this is the scale that is exactly the same as my surgeon's -- where i do my once a month official (and sometimes only) weigh-in.   as of yesterday i weight 258.  WTF?   when you weigh 373...when you weigh 312....when you weigh 299.... someone in the 250s sounds soooooooooooooooooooo much less and sooooooooooooooooo skinny.    my official monthly check-in is next monday but since i have to travel that day for work and won't be able to go i am going to try to get in this week sometime.

which brings me to...restriction... still have it, and i have to say that i am still SURPRISED every morning when i think i am hungry before i start and lo and behold i am feeling good with just a shake.   i do feel it starting to wear off a little.   i am able to get in a little more food but not that much.  i am not sure if i need a fill yet or not.  i think the idea of being "in the green" and in the 250s is just so foreign to me i don't know what to think...lol...

last week i was finding that i was mindlessly eating at dinner and getting stuck.  3 vomits, in fact.  it was a busy week and lots of road time so i found myself just wanting to zone out and watch tv.   and all the vomits happened on TV nights.   lesson learned (maybe).

this weekend i ate pretty much every lunch and dinner out.  i had not problems with getting stuck or even pressure in my chest.  i find it interesting to observe that i am better at monitoring my intake when i am in public with people.    i also have soooooooooooo many leftovers for the week.  yay!  lots of diversity and i won't just go to the safe stand-bys of cottage cheese or fish.

on saturday the princess and i did a charity walk with our dog and a group from my wls support group.  it was a little over a mile and we had fun.  you can see by the picture that my dog likes to stay anonymous on the internet.   

afterwards the princess, dog and i went to my favorite "eat-outside" restarurant in the gay ghetto.   while sipping my red-pepper gouda soup i easedropped on the two women at the next table.   one was going on and on about going to "women's night" at a local gay bar and how all the women were either super-butch (manly in straight terms) or "50 pounds overweight".   so now knowing and accepting that many people should really weigh 140 and that is not a sign of anerexia (lol) "50 pounds overweight" to this skinny bitch (not the good kind of skinny bitch that i am) is still under 200.   damn.  that pissed me off.   so when she started making goo-goo eyes at my dog i pretended not to hear her.  mature, i know.  but i was just so let down by the image obesssed gay community i live in down here.  

in addition to the group walk, i took my parents dogs to the dog park yesterday and borrowed my mom's bike (a grandma 3-wheeler that i secret covet) and rode with the princess for a while.   just don't tell me i exercised and we will be ok.  lol. 

tonight is support group.  i think it is the mental health counselor that checks in with us once a month.   more later...

restriction? could it be?

i have had 3 fills as of this past tuesday.   and i think yesterday as i started to eat for real again i realized i may be restricted....

breakfast -- 4 oz cottage cheese

protien shake in between

lunch -- matzo ball soup.  i know i should have gone with the chili but it is cooooooooooool here in florida and a mushie, soft hot matzo ball was calling my name.

protein shake in between

dinner-- ordered a caesar salad with seared ahi tuna.   the tuna steak was large and thick*.   i had 2 small slices of tuna and about 1/3 cup of salad.  then done.  in fact i got a little stuck and ended up spitting up some foam in the bathroom.

no hunger in between.   the stuck feeling came pretty fast.  i am still not sure i understand what "full" means.  anyone else with this problem?

i am happy and hope this restriction will last long enough for me to get through the elusive wall.

tonight is "the party of the year" -- and i will not be drinking.   i do not want the alcohol calories.  ok.  maybe sip one shot glass all night since it *is* a tequilla party and i do love my tequilla.

* how come when i could, and did, eat a lot the portions were so skimpy and now that i have restriction i go to a restaurant and get served a hefty piece of tuna.   not funny, food gods.

first vacation with the band

all in all the trip to maryland for hannukah was great. it was great seeing my cousin and i am so happy the kids got to play together. i left 89 degree weather to go to 34 degree weather in 2 short airplane hours! i am happy to be home in the land of flip flops.

my fill was last tuesday and while i know the band is working, i can definitely eat more than i should most of the time. i think i am going to try to get in for another fill this week. my doctor told me last week to come back this week or next if i felt i needed more and not to wait.

i think i remained in control with my eating. i learned quickly on Friday night that i can no longer graze while i am cooking. i was making the traditional latkes (potato pancakes) and i was trying them here and there as i cooked... by the time dinner came around i was full. i waited a little while and was able to have some roast with no problems.

when we first got into town i stopped off at the grocery store and got premade shakes, hummus cups and some cottage cheese so i would have good food in my cousin's house where they are all skinny, athletes and can (and do) eat junk food all the time.

saturday night we went out in historic fredrick for tapas. it felt like tapas were invented for bandsters! i had the platos de ahumados -- smoked bluefish, salmon and trout. the picture makes it look bigger than it was... maybe 2oz of each fish. loved it. i also had a raw tuna lollipop which was about 1 oz of tuna. i definitely took care of my fish cravings but also suffered all night being hungry. i actually gave in about 20 minutes after dinner and drank water. fortunately there were no problems.

on sunday they made a mcdonalds run. i ordered a 4 piece chicken nugget. i was stuck after a couple fries and one nugget.

but then on sunday when we were driving to the airport i stopped off to fill the rental up with gas. i ran into the store and grabbed sun chips for the princess and i bought a small bag of combos for myself. well...i got stuck BIG TIME while driving on wet roads somewhere i was unfamiliar with. by the time i handed the rental back over i was PBing all over the BWI rental car garage. not good. but what really pissed me off is that once we got checked in and down to the gate and i started looking for dinner for the princess i saw that there was a crab restaurant. it occurred to me that had i not pigged out and gotten sick and just waited for dinner i could have enjoyed a nice maryland crab cake. lesson learned.

tonight is support group. i am really looking forward to going. i missed it last week for my book club.

just creamy....

spent some time on the soup aisle... did you know there is creamy cheddar cheese soup? cream of chicken and mushroom in one can? fiesta nacho cheese soup? um, what about cream of shrimp (!)? i did not. so i loaded up these finds and some others such as potato leek, cream of chicken and creamy tomato. i know i am supposed to be targeting low fat cream soups, but i did grab some of the other ones in order to avoid grabbing that cheese that keeps calling my name from the refrigerator....