taking a break from the merri-go-round of life....

a lot  is going on.  yet nothing is going on.  i am not dating that woman anymore.   i think my quest for healthiness this past year has made me too sensitive to dealing with other people's unresolved shit.   the fun parts were definitely fun, but i am no place to deal with constant emotional antics and bullshit.   it has also made me realize that i really want to *just* date and not get involved in deep relationship stuff.  keep it on the surface and fun.   i always say this to women going into relationships and then i put my guard down on this issue and i grow to resent it.   i need to work on my role in that.  my life is so full.   i have everything i need.  all my boxes are full..... all i really want is distraction from my full life.

fortunately, this one was relatively short and i got out of it pretty unscathed.  (although there were some sad and mean moments....)  right now i am really looking forward to work slowing down beginning the week of the 13th and cruising along to the first week of january.   time to be a mom.  daughter.  friend.  me.  

hannukah starts tonight.   it is early this year -- which means by next wednesday i am DONE with the holidays.  woohoo.    many years ago when being a mom was only a hard to reach dream, i was working in a library and came across a book about "unplugging" the xmas tree and making xmas more about family than gifts or even religion.   i always thought that "when i have a baby...." that is what i would do.   and so i have.  the princess only gets one presents from me every hannukah and not the gazillion presents every night for 8 nights that i grew up with.   she does not get a toy or anything plastic.   this year, tonight, she will get a journal and special pencil so that she may start journaling every night about her day.   never fear, throughout the week she will be getting lots of presents from friends and family -- and that is ok too.   i figure i spoil her all year, that this time of year needs to be a special kind of spoiling from me -- one of hugs, kisses, family and quality time. 

from a lap-band perspective -- all is good.   i have good restriction but i am not too tight that i am hurting myself.   thanksgiving was a no-brainer.  just some turkey and a taste of gluten-free stuffing my mom makes just for me.   

i am working out twice a week with a personal trainer and really enjoying it.   i see this next phase of weight loss to really be one of deflation for me.   my stomach pouch, inner thighs and upper arms will continue to deflate and that is where the movement on the scale will come from.  

i have no idea what i weigh "officially". (and strangely, i don't care).   i just know i that my pants are falling off of me and i bought a size 12 skirt and wore regular size 14 jeans yesterday.  i have a scale that i now keep at my therapist's office -- but have not gotten on it for a while. perhaps my next visit in a couple weeks i will. i am beginning to see a thinner person in the mirror and not just in the pictures i take after the fact. i had this weird sensation this past saturday at disney...i felt "light". part of it is the working out -- but i felt light, agile, normal.

nothing is happening on the plastic surgery front right now.  i haven't even had the time to work on my medical necessity appeal.  but in the mean time i think my first surgery will be my arms.   the other day i was sitting at the table in a tank top writing something and i kept seeing something run across the room in my periphery vision.   it was not a critter....it was my arm shaking!!!!!!!!!  LOL.  i.swear.to.god.   i took this picture while i sat there laughing at my pathetic body.   it was such a funny moment.   so my goal is to save up the $4K i need to get my arms done and get them done by early spring so i will be healed by summer.    that means no disney cruise this year.   sigh.   but i really think it is worth it.  you can see how small my arms will be without the flaps.  lol.

i really miss blogging and reading and gaining inspiration from everyone's blog.  i know i say this everytime i reappear, but i really hope to get more regular again.   there are some things i really want to explore but always feel like i need to catch-up before i just lay them out there....

what i did on my long weekend. by shrinking mommy

so i totally underestimated my restriction this morning and ate a little after a morning protein shake...this has left me sliming all morning at work...so instead of eating lunch today i will catch-up on my blogging while continuing to slime and hiccup loudly....

i haven't blogged since friday morning for no other reason than i live in paradise and was busy working on my tan.... (excuse the blurry picture but it was taken by the princess -- but check out moi in an Old Navy dress!)

so...friday we went to a water park and walking around in my bathing suit i did not feel like i was the fattest person there.  whether that was true or not, i don't care...i felt "average".   it is one of those parks with a water playground, lazy river tube ride and two water slides.   i dumped the princess on a friend and went on the water slide.  woo-hoo!   we actually were there for 4 hours.

then saturday morning we got up and the princess rode her bike for one mile while i walked along side of her and "worked on my tan".  then we went down to the pool where i found the perfect spot for the sun in the pool and moved my legs while "working on my tan".    saturday afternoon i laid 18 bags of mulch around the outside of the house and continued to "work on my tan".  i was still on post-fill liquids but hungry so had a lot of concern over my level of restriction and whether she would ever come back to me like a long-lost first love.

sunday was pretty much a lazy day for us.   we did go visit with some out of town relatives and i got my attention seeking whoreness satiated with their reaction to my weight-loss.

monday morning we decided to get up early and join some friends and watch the space shuttle take-off.  we are about 2 hours from the launch pad but in the dark of morning we got a pretty spectacular view.   

and then last night i did something different and that is part of my therapy work...instead of going to support group, i went back to my "straight book club".  they meet the first monday of every month and i stopped going after surgery.   one of the issues we have identified in therapy is my control issues.  and part and parcel of that issue is the fact that i always find myself in leadership roles.  being in leadership roles leads to me having to sometimes censor myself and that leads to frustration and a need for an outlet.   and since food can no longer be my outlet i need to find other things for me to just relax, enjoy and participate.   i am in charge as a solo-parent at home.   i am in charge as a department director at work.  i am "in charge" in many other situations i put myself into.  so in going through the things i enjoy my therapist and i identified this book club as i am the leader of my other one.   it was nice to go back.  of course i got an amazing reaction on my "new look".  this is a real interesting group for me to be involved in.   if there is ever a real housewives of boca raton on bravo i think a couple may be casted.   i once went to a rhinestone party at a member's home and i swear there was so much silicone and botox in the room i was expecting dr. 90210 to come out of the back of the house and do a housecall.   but, hey, they love me and i love them.  

i am leaving on friday for a business trip alone in new orleans.  i know... rough life.   i am committed to hitting the hotel gym or even better walking around the french quarter briskly at least twice while i am there.   also, i canceled going to place poker tonight but kept my babysitter in the hopes i can get some things done around the house and get in an hour of laps in the pool or a brisk walk.  i hate exercise.  i hate every moment of it.  but if in the end my tan improves... i will do it.  i also plan to catch up on the blogs tonight as well.

the joke was on me...

on wednesday i noticed i was getting hungry pretty fast and eating more than i "should" so i called the surgeon's office for a fill.   i did not get a fill because i was at my sweet spot two weeks ago at my monthly check-up and BAM it was gone.  so, of course, my daydream as i drove to the surgeon's office yesterday was that i would jump on the dreaded scale and see i lost 8 pounds in two weeks...NO.  2 pound loss in 2 weeks.   not acceptable.  i was so bummed.  the PA i see could see it.  i wouldn't do my usual chitchat.  i was knocked off my pedestal....big time.  i took a 1/4 of cc fill.   she says that at this point the fills are smaller.  i hope this brings me back to where i was.  so the PA and i talked and of course she talked to me about exercise.  ugh. 

so....i left there in.a.mood.  fine, i thought, i won't go back to the office and i won't pick the princess up early...i will go home and walk the fucking 2 miles around my neighborhood.  and then maybe, just maybe, i will get in the pool and do laps.   then...i drove past a fabulous shopping center and what is better than pigging out and/or exercising...that's right -- SHOPPING!!!!!  so i ended up going into old navy in the first time in years.  i know, i know, we are supposed to be boycotting them after their jeans were so mean to Jen.  but i promise i did not even look at the jeans rack.  no instead i went into the dressing room with a 2XL dress.  came out buying an XL dress!  then i went to payless and got a cute pair of flats and then Avenue for a bolero type top to wear over the dress since the dress is a tube maxi dress.  and by that time i.felt.much.better.  and, of course, by that time there was no time to really get a good exercise in so i went to whole foods to stock up on fresh soups for the next couple of post-fill days.   and by then there really was no time to do anything so i went to pay a bill in person.  who pays a bill in person in 2010?  a person avoiding reality named heidi who weighs 256 pounds...that's who.

finally, i went and got the princess from school and we did come home and go in the pool but i basically stood in a good spot for tanning.  i did move my legs a little but not much.  

last night i had 3 small chocolate eggs that the princess brought home from school.  yeah...i stole candy from my underweight kid to sabotage my weight loss.  lol.

(please don't feel sorry for me.  i am definitely not as upset today as i was yesterday and i know it will get better)

so then i got into bed and decided to catch up on all my Ruby episodes i have been dvr'ing.   i know, she is a kooky evangelical annoying virgin -- but i LOVE her!  so the final episode i caught up on was where she was challenged to change up 5 things in weight loss journey.  the idea behind that was that insanity is doing the same thing and expecting different result.  hmmmmm.  something to think about.  and of course one of my 5 things is to exercise and make it part of my routine.  i am still not sure what my other four things are but will think about it some more and most likely blog about it.

it is another day in paradise here.   the princess and i are going to a waterpark today with other lesbian families.  but first i am taking clothes to the consignment store.   i have been doing great with my consignments.  so far i have been able to walk in and "buy" new clothes and not had to lay out any money.   this latest trip pretty much clears me out.  i am at that awkward stage where i am not yet an 18/20 but i am definitely not a 22/24.   and, babbling amy, for the record...i am bringing in 8 pairs of jeans today and that leaves me with only THREE pairs of jeans.   the horror! 

that emptiness inside.

so….today i met with the mental health counselor to start exploring why i am obese and how i am going to stop being obese both physically and mentally. it comes down to this…it is my parents’ fault. lol.

official diagnosis:  i was/am an overindulged spoiled brat. and as a result my identity has become enmeshed with my parents. i am most likely to some degree a narcissist.

here is how we got there…i started talking about my life. i explained that i have no abuse in my past. we talked about my history of weight loss struggle and obesity. she began to identify a “hole” or “emptiness” that i was trying to fill with food pretty much my whole adult life. and she zeroed in on what was already suggested to me…that food is my relationship and link back to acceptance in my family.

but as we talked some more she started to extract how much i really am enmeshed with my parents. (she used “enmeshed” as a clinical term throughout our session)

she also started to identify that i am pretty good at avoiding spending time inside myself (commando and junior – focus…don’t let your mind wander there….). she asked me what kind of activities i enjoyed… i mentioned reading, hanging out, etc. everything i mentioned apparently is “external” and does not involved facing myself. well, except blogging.

she thinks there is more that we need to explore with this “emptiness” and gave me some tools to start to identify them. i narrowed down the “worst” time for me is at night after the princess has gone to bed. i am supposed to keep a grazing/emotional eating log. when i want to eat outside of meal time i am supposed to log the following:

1. time/place/feeling

2. what is going on – ie. the precipitating event

3. i am supposed to wait 20 minutes and log what i do during that time and how i feel – ie. anxious, mad, bored, etc. here is when i should take out a special glass and drink a non-caloric drink.

4. do i still want to eat – yes or no? if yes, what am i feeling? if no, why not?

5. what did i eat?

the goal with this exercise is to eventually identify the “precipitating event” that leads to my grazing/binging.

the next tool i am supposed to start doing making a “feelings collage”. she has asked me to go get some magazines and when i am feeling empty or bored i need to start cutting out things and make a collage. i like to scrapbook and i love art and sayings, so i think i can have fun with this. she said that it is not only a tool for us to explore my thoughts, but it is a good activity to get me doing something with my hands (instead of shoving food in my mouth) and for me to start spending more time inside myself. ( seriously, junior and commando, must you go there?)

she also asked me, as long as i felt like sharing, to bring in snippets from my blog. of course the smart ass in me who wants to avoid dealing with shit is thinking of printing out the mindless posts about my boobs and poop. lol

and my final assignment for the week is to keep track of examples of where i am seeking approval or obsessive contact from my parents or other enmeshment incidents.

i have to tell you that this enmeshment stuff is weighing heavy in my heart. i know that i am not going to totally cut my parents out of my life, but she is suggesting that i need to find ways to shift away a little in order to identify myself as i go through this weight loss journey since it seems that my weight is part of my familial identity. but for me…right now…i feel like i just found out that my parents are not really my parents. what i am trying to say is, i am scared shitless to really step back and look at my relationship with my parents and shatter the perfect world i may have created in my head and begin to deal with the imperfect world inside my mind. sigh.

of course we also talked about my daughter and how i am most likely repeating this pattern with her…as my grandmother did with my mom and my mom did with me. she feels it is the right time to change the course of history. last night i admitted to my close friend that late at night i find myself not only watching the princess sleep, but her whole life i have been taking pictures of her sleeping. it is a way for me to capture the “realness” of her. it is hard to explain. but my counselor today got it and told me that i need to stop it immediately. sigh.

so, the synopsis is…i was raised by an enabling obsessive mother to be a narcissistic woman with no sense of myself who was raised herself by an enabling obsessive mother…and i am nothing but an enabling obsessive mother who has no independent identity and avoids herself by eating. and we were/are all fat. lol.

catching up on the rest of the day….

this morning i posted about my tightness. karma bit me on the ass – big time. my staff was in town today and they were so fucking annoying and ornery. don’t keep coming into my office (while i am trying to calmly eat lunch) and argue against doing what i asked you to do two weeks ago. long story short…i finally slimed/vomited at work. and today was the day. i could not keep anything down and it was a constant running back and forth to the bathroom all day. i am kind of pissed. but whatever. i had a hot drink tonight after support group and hopefully that has opened me up for tomorrow.

and of course, to add to my stress…i was left without childcare tonight. i refuse to miss support group…so the princess went along with me. i have to give that kid credit…she was an angel for the entire hour and half we were there. quiet. did her homework and read her books. such a sweetie.

support group was great. we all checked in on where we were in our zones. a lot of good information came out. did you know that we should avoid microwaving our leftovers because it dries them out – which leads to getting stuck? i did not realize that. i felt so honored – two different people reference something i had shared at past meetings while they were checking in. it is nice to feel like you are contributing to the success of others.

this post is ridiculously long, and i am exhausted. sweet and protein filled dreams to each and every one of you….

trouble in paradise....

and by paradise i mean my wallet! 

yesterday i went by the plus size consignment clothes and found out i had $125 available to me to shop.   so i stocked up on size 22 (!!!!!) jeans to wear right now and some 18/20 tops that were too nice to pass up -- that i can wear in a couple months.   i spent $80 of my consignment funds.  

the problem is....i bought a 2X Banana Republic top.  it actually fits around my shoulders and chest, but is too tight at the waist. i also bought a size 20 Old Navy long linen skirt that fits me right now.    i am a clothes whore.  and more to the point, i have no shame in saying i covet labels.  i have not been really been able to shop in a Banana Republic, GAP, Old Navy, etc. since I was in high school (20 years).  this becomes a problem for my wallet.  it is one thing to be a clothes whore at the avenue and their clearance rack or Macy's with the occasional INC top that is 40% off...but to start to realize the stores that await my wallet.  ai yi yi!  lol.

i am refusing to wear my size 26 jeans and pants anymore and will be packing those up for Babbling Amy.

in fill/restriction news... i had a 0.5cc fill on friday to complete my 0.5cc pre-cruise fill a couple weeks ago.  according to their scale i am down 3 pounds in 2 weeks.  i want MORE loss showing on the scale.   according to my parents scale for the Love Me Challenge I am down 7 pounds since we returned from the cruise last Sunday and i was up a pound.  both the doctors scale and my parents scale pretty much line up with each other.   my parents was one more pound down, but that was after a day of only liquids since i was at the surgeon's.

i have a confession to make...for the past couple fills i have not been that great about following my surgeon's rule of 2 days of liquids and 2 days of soft after a fill.  i would usually be on softs by the second day and back to eating by the end of the 3rd day.   so far this time, i have been great.  even went to a dinner party friday night and brought my own soup.  

i just had 1/4 cup of cottage cheese for breakfast and i feel satisfied.   i want to get to the point, like i see on other blogs, that i am only eating one or two scallops and am totally fine with that.

today i am going to a potluck brunch.     i am bringing my "famous" low-carb/gluten free crustless quiche.   it is just a nirvana of 10 different cheeses.    i am hoping it will be soft enough for me.  if not, i will have my shakes with me.

i am commited to this afternoon of spending as many hours it takes to catch up on all the blogs, comment and be active in our community again.

until then...successful living thoughts to you....

mirror, mirror on the wall...

thank you for sharing in my joy yesterday of getting past the Southwest blubber police. i don't want to mislead anyone and have them think that i am walking around always delusional and all rainbows, chirping birds and singing mice. i am still struggling with the brain vs body thing.

i have always joked that i had undiagnosised Body Dysmorphic Disorder -- i always saw a thinner person in the mirror than i really was. i wonder if that image is flipping. i feel fat lately. really fat. i keep taking progress pics and i don't like them. am i being inpatient? maybe. i don't know. i just know i feel fat. and quite frankly, let's admit it...i am. i may have lost 100 pounds -- but i still have over 100 to go...and my body looks that way...

i also think i need the other 1/2cc of fill that i did not take before my cruise. i am eating much more than i should.  not an obscene amount...but more than i should. i did find myself thinking yesterday that "maybe" i will wait until monday for my fill so i can eat some "special" things this weekend. not good. i know i am not in this to deprive myself -- but at the same time i can NOT start manipulating the band.

on another note...muscle milk light protein shakes are NASTY.  pure evil.  when i got into town yesterday i went to the grocery store to get a 4-pack of shakes to get through this trip.  they did not have my EAS AdvantEdge so i bought the Muscle Milk Light.  NASTY. i ended up giving the other 3 to a homeless man a couple blocks from the grocery store.  i did not have time to go find my EAS shakes until after yesterday's meetings.   but i will never buy muscle milk again.

today i am flying back home...so, one more rendezvous with the Southwest blubber police...i was listening to Rosie Radio on Sirius yesterday and people were calling in about the airline issue. Rosie was taking the stance of that Kevin Smith is in denial about how fat he is. the portion of the show i heard there happened to be two calls -- one from a gastric bypass patient and a lap band patient. the lap band woman was sooooooooooooo nice. she lost 200 pounds overs two years and recently invited an obese person to sit with her (and even offered to take the middle seat) and put the armrest up for the woman because she remembered how it felt to be obese on a plane. i hope that i never forget my obese self and remain kind.

yesterday i was at a community meeting.  ironically, i have not been in this particular community since my 4th day post-op.   i got a lot of feedback on my weight...including from the elected official over dinner.   while no one asked during my presentation...my attention seeking whore-ness left the meeting satisfied...

my thought on restriction...

it fuckin rocks!   enough said.   i am tigggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhht.  but not bad tight.  i finally understand how it is possible to ONLY each 3 small protien-first meals a day.

tomorrow we embark on our disney cruise.  yay!  tomorrow my baby is 5 years old.   WAH!  speaking of which....  i was contacted by the foster care agency yesterday.  at this time they do not expect any children from haiti to place.    but i will most likely be going through their foster care licensing program this spring.   i spoke to the princess about us bringing another child into the home and she did not flush a babydoll down the toiliet (like i did when my parents told me about my baby sister) so i think we are good.to.go... or at least in a place where we can explore this option.

support group on monday was....interesting....  it was one of those times when you just sit back and tell yourself "she needs the support of the group tonight more than i do"....  a lot of our discussion focused on food choices, carbs and mindful eating.  someone in the group suggested a life coach to another patient.   there is apparently one who specializes in wls...as she is a wls patient herself.  i have not really had time to read up on her but you can find her here....http://toomuchonherplate.com/melissa-mccreery/

have a great and successful weekend...and remember...it is better in the bahamas....

Goal Met!!! (10 days early, thankyouverymuch)

my first goal was to lose a total of 40 pounds by our disney cruise next thursday.   this morning was my 3 month post-op appointment and i recorded a 10 pound loss this month!  woo hoo.  actually to be even more boastful -- today is really 2 month 3 weeks since my surgery.   i went in a week early so i can have time to adjust to the fill before the cruise.  the last thing i need is to be pb'ing all over the ship.  

i had great restriction up until this past tuesday so i took a 1/2 cc of fill.  i am hoping this will do the trick.  even though the PA said i could come back next week before the cruise if i needed more, at this point i rather not risk it and just come in for the other 1/2cc after the cruise, if needed.

i was sooooooooooooooo nervous getting on the scale.  i am not sure i will ever be able to kick that old feeling.   i even mentioned it to the nurse while i was getting on the scale with one eye closed.   i told her that next time dr. bass needs to give me a lobotomy.  she said "then you won't be able to celebrate your success!".  she was so cute.   have i told you how much i love my surgeon's office?  lol.  <---- look!  you don't even have to wait until tonight to read that!

so i am ready with my next goal.  i am trying to stay motivated and realistic.....so.....the next goal to meet is a total of 65 pounds by mother's day -- may 9th.  

speaking of being realistic...in the car from the surgeon's office back to my office i was suddenly overcome with emotion because i realized that i was going to succeed.   i realized that i was going to meet or exceed every goal.  i realized that i will really be skinny one day.   it was a total good emotional cry.   a proud cry.  the kind of cry that happens when your beautiful daughter does something amazing.

i have also noticed that i have started to plan my life in 10 pound/per month increments.   i am attending a pool party in june.   when i saw that -- i thought..."ok, by then i should be 80 pounds down".  lol.  there is a big party in april..."ok, i will be down 60 pounds".   lol.  i think it is so funny everytime i catch myself thinking in 10 pounds.  does anyone else do this?

ok...back to work... it is a rainy, rainy day here in south florida.

have a successful day!

5K-- no whining (out loud)

yesterday the princess and i did the susan g. komen walk with some friends.   i did the whole thing pushing her stroller.  good stuff.  i can honestly say that i left the event without the desire to say "next year i am running this".  i have no interest in running whatsoever.  

my restriction is gone, baby, gone.  fortunately, i have an appointment tomorrow.  at first i was leary about getting too much restriction before our cruise...but now i WANT it.  i am sick of the self control dieting i have been doing this week.

here is a picture of us at the end of the walk yesterday.  size 2x shirt.  roomy.  did not have to do the "put my elbows in and stretch it out until the seam snaps" technique when i put it on!  i also want to point out to all you northerners.... the blue sky.  gentle breeze on the intercoastal.  my daughter in an undershirt and short skirt.    enjoy!

we are supposed to go to the dog park today but it is one of those days where the sky can't decide if it is going to rain or not.   unfortunately, i think that cold front i am teasing you about above is on its way here.  not fair.  this is florida.  damn it.

if it is monday night....

i must be telling you how much i love my surgeon's team!    have i told you yet how much i love them?  lol.  support group was great AGAIN tonight.

our bariatric coordinator gave us each a small gift.  it is a book called "dream" and it is filled with quotes that relate to dreams.   she also gave us some post-it tabs.  our assignment is to go through and pick out a quote that means the most to us and write a couple things about its significance for next week.  i have already picked out 3 4 (i AM an over-achiever):

To hope and dream is not to ignore the practical.  It is to dress it in colors and rainbows.  Anne Wilson Schaef

Without leaps of imagination, or dreaming, we lose the excitement of possibilities.  Dreaming, after all, is a form of planning.  Gloria Steinem (i am a professional land planner)

Dare to live the life you have dreamed for yourself.  Go forward and make your dreams come true.  Ralph Waldo Emerson

It's time to start living the life you've imagined.  Henry James (i think this is my favorite).

i was able to talk to the group a little about my issues with control and change.  they were very supportive.  i also shared with them my 373 picture so they could know a little bit more about me and my journey.

the coordinator asked me to talk about my blogging and how i use it to de-stress. 

i also talked about my restriction and it seems that i may be too restricted.  it was suggested that i come in for a "smidge" of an unfill.  i don't know.  i am so scared to lose restriction.  it is not like i have reflux or discomfort.  but i do understand that i am probably going to end up protein deficient soon.  i would love to hear from others who have gone through this.  i am 2 months post-op and have 6 ccs.  in the morning i can only get down a shake right now.  lunch is about 1/3 cup of chilli with cheese.  another shake.  and dinner is about 1/2 cup of something with protein.  no carbs, gluten, etc.  i may snack on a cheese stick occasionally.

i am going to cut this short...i found out this evening i need to be on the other side of the state tomorrow morning -- which means no pilates consult for me.  :-(  but i did reschedule already for wednesday.  yay me for committing to exercise!

 i will catch up on your blogs tomorrow.  (last night took me almost 3 hours!) but i have to say i am not surprised that amy w. has a skanky disposition like me.  for some reason i had that feeling.  could it be the toe-pointing, hands on hips seductive progress pics that gave it away?.... lol.....

restriction? could it be?

i have had 3 fills as of this past tuesday.   and i think yesterday as i started to eat for real again i realized i may be restricted....

breakfast -- 4 oz cottage cheese

protien shake in between

lunch -- matzo ball soup.  i know i should have gone with the chili but it is cooooooooooool here in florida and a mushie, soft hot matzo ball was calling my name.

protein shake in between

dinner-- ordered a caesar salad with seared ahi tuna.   the tuna steak was large and thick*.   i had 2 small slices of tuna and about 1/3 cup of salad.  then done.  in fact i got a little stuck and ended up spitting up some foam in the bathroom.

no hunger in between.   the stuck feeling came pretty fast.  i am still not sure i understand what "full" means.  anyone else with this problem?

i am happy and hope this restriction will last long enough for me to get through the elusive wall.

tonight is "the party of the year" -- and i will not be drinking.   i do not want the alcohol calories.  ok.  maybe sip one shot glass all night since it *is* a tequilla party and i do love my tequilla.

* how come when i could, and did, eat a lot the portions were so skimpy and now that i have restriction i go to a restaurant and get served a hefty piece of tuna.   not funny, food gods.