i am pleased to report that the removal of my gall bladder was smashing success! surgery in general is so much easier to get through when you are not dying from diabetes, high blood pressure and obesity. i literally walked out of the surgery center one hour after waking up from anesthesia.
i went back to my parents house and finally came home to my house this evening. the only effects from the surgery i have is that up until this afternoon i had no appetite, i feel weak and i feel like i did 1,000 stomach crunches. but really...i feel great. i am barely taking the pain meds because i need to pee in a cup this week for my new job and oxycodone is such a hot topic down here. i plan to bring my prescription to the test with my hospital discharge papers just in case.
when i returned to my parents house on friday afternoon i decided to tell the princess that i had surgery. she is very well versed in surgeries since she has had two major ones beginning when she was 3 months old. she was such a good little nurse. i wanted to tell her so she understood fully why i was sleeping a lot and moving slow. not sure if it is related or not....but my personal mother's guilt will always link the two....friday night the princess had a 6 hour night terror. it was bad. when a kid has a night terror (which she does have occasionally) they do not wake up nor do they remember it. she just screams, kicks and cries. it is very un-nerving. so my mom and i dealt with that all night. as a result i did not take any pain meds the first night.
then...i checked my email saturday morning after we all slept for two hours and saw that kohls was having a sale. so i talked my mom into taking me and the princess into pushing me around in the store's wheelchair. i got 5 new dresses for my new job. yay!
we went back to the house and my friend came over to take the princess to the mall for a couple hours so my mom and i could nap. when they came back the plan was to call in chinese food but somehow we all talked each other into going to our favorite greek restaurant for dinner. i was sore after sitting up at the table for a couple hours but no regrets.
sunday i took it easy all day and today as well. my plan is to stay home the rest of the week and rest --- except that i need to go into work tomorrow or wednesday to give my resignation notice....i received my letter of conditional employment offer (pending pee test, call to current employer and background check) and they plan to announce my employment at the city commission meeting NEXT WEEK so i need to get my ducks in a row stat.
my parents have been great. really accommodating. my mom even said it was a good practice run for when i get my plastic surgery (in the far off future now, i guess).
tomorrow will be mostly rest...and plan to catch up on all the blogs...including the chicago trip.....
Monday, February 28, 2011
Thursday, February 24, 2011
Today....
today has been a total "OMG" and "wow" day.....
first let me say THANK YOU so much for your supportive messages to my mommy and friend posts. I am really reading your comments and thinking about them. i want to respond back about them and at this point will not be able to do it until this weekend (which could be fun because i will most likely be hopped up on painkillers all weekend after surgery tomorrow....). i am also going to work hard to figure out rosh hashanah and chicago....i need to be with blogger friends.
but back to today....a year and 20 days ago i blogged about my annual review at work and wrote this:
i also had my annual review this week. my boss basically told me that he is going to mentor me to take over his position in about 2 years (he is out of his 3rd or 4th retirement and in his 70s). this would take me from department director to a city manager/ceo position. the goals and benchmarks he laid out for me were quite high and significant. he also wants me to commit to major executive management training at a national level to make me more prepared to take his position.....you put these two upcoming "changes" together -- weight loss and job -- and i have a pretty big year or two ahead of me. lots of goals. lots of self-improvement. lots of other people's expectations to meet. the truth of the matter of it is i know that i will emerge on the other side of two years looking a like a new person inside and out. wow. kind of scary. but exciting at the same time.
i went to the executive training in June. it was tough. fucking tough. i was a whole analysis of your personality, your leadership style and feedback from your boss, co-workers and employees. it literally tears you down. while there i had an emotional moment where i realized that it may be time to move on from my job. the relationship i have with my job is complicated and one day i will be able to write more about it...but nevertheless i had this moment at the executive training where i realized that i need to move on.
there was only one job i wanted. only one job that could shake me out of my comfort zone. and today i was offered it. i can't say too much yet....but while it is not a city manager position it is over 5 departments (i am currently over 2) and it puts me in the right size city to grow and directly under the city manager. and today when he offered me the job he made it very clear to me that he was open to grooming me for his job until he retires in a few years...... it is less money and i will lose a lot of perks (like an SUV my current employer gives me), it is a 4 day / 10 hour work week which will be a challenge to this solo-mom and i can no longer coast by on my personality/institutional history like i do at my current job and work when i want and where i want---i will have to WORK.... but it is totally what i want. i can be out of the closet there (and already am). i can look towards my career future (which does not exist at my current job).
AND AND AND never ever ever ever again will i get on an elevator and have to hear "oh! i didn't recognize you!" or "how much weight have you lost?" or "you look so amazing. how do you feel?" "how much did the surgery cost?" "can you really eat that?" or walk into a room and have everyone stop talking and stop to look at me when i wear something new that fits right....ok, i may miss those showstopping moments.... but, damn it, i will no longer work somewhere where i used to be fat.
i had a great conversation with my mom today about the new job. she even pointed out that i need a change because of the weight loss i am a different person and ready to take on new challenges. it was great affirmation from my mommy.
OH MY FUCKING GAWD. i can't believe that what i only dreamed about being a possibility last february is happening..... wait. i can believe it. i made it happen.
now i have to figure out when to tell my boss (and THAT will be heartbreaking)...between surgery, my medical absence next week, etc. sigh. and i need to tell him so the city can call and finalize my background check.
wow. just wow.
first let me say THANK YOU so much for your supportive messages to my mommy and friend posts. I am really reading your comments and thinking about them. i want to respond back about them and at this point will not be able to do it until this weekend (which could be fun because i will most likely be hopped up on painkillers all weekend after surgery tomorrow....). i am also going to work hard to figure out rosh hashanah and chicago....i need to be with blogger friends.
but back to today....a year and 20 days ago i blogged about my annual review at work and wrote this:
i also had my annual review this week. my boss basically told me that he is going to mentor me to take over his position in about 2 years (he is out of his 3rd or 4th retirement and in his 70s). this would take me from department director to a city manager/ceo position. the goals and benchmarks he laid out for me were quite high and significant. he also wants me to commit to major executive management training at a national level to make me more prepared to take his position.....you put these two upcoming "changes" together -- weight loss and job -- and i have a pretty big year or two ahead of me. lots of goals. lots of self-improvement. lots of other people's expectations to meet. the truth of the matter of it is i know that i will emerge on the other side of two years looking a like a new person inside and out. wow. kind of scary. but exciting at the same time.
i went to the executive training in June. it was tough. fucking tough. i was a whole analysis of your personality, your leadership style and feedback from your boss, co-workers and employees. it literally tears you down. while there i had an emotional moment where i realized that it may be time to move on from my job. the relationship i have with my job is complicated and one day i will be able to write more about it...but nevertheless i had this moment at the executive training where i realized that i need to move on.
there was only one job i wanted. only one job that could shake me out of my comfort zone. and today i was offered it. i can't say too much yet....but while it is not a city manager position it is over 5 departments (i am currently over 2) and it puts me in the right size city to grow and directly under the city manager. and today when he offered me the job he made it very clear to me that he was open to grooming me for his job until he retires in a few years...... it is less money and i will lose a lot of perks (like an SUV my current employer gives me), it is a 4 day / 10 hour work week which will be a challenge to this solo-mom and i can no longer coast by on my personality/institutional history like i do at my current job and work when i want and where i want---i will have to WORK.... but it is totally what i want. i can be out of the closet there (and already am). i can look towards my career future (which does not exist at my current job).
AND AND AND never ever ever ever again will i get on an elevator and have to hear "oh! i didn't recognize you!" or "how much weight have you lost?" or "you look so amazing. how do you feel?" "how much did the surgery cost?" "can you really eat that?" or walk into a room and have everyone stop talking and stop to look at me when i wear something new that fits right....ok, i may miss those showstopping moments.... but, damn it, i will no longer work somewhere where i used to be fat.
i had a great conversation with my mom today about the new job. she even pointed out that i need a change because of the weight loss i am a different person and ready to take on new challenges. it was great affirmation from my mommy.
OH MY FUCKING GAWD. i can't believe that what i only dreamed about being a possibility last february is happening..... wait. i can believe it. i made it happen.
now i have to figure out when to tell my boss (and THAT will be heartbreaking)...between surgery, my medical absence next week, etc. sigh. and i need to tell him so the city can call and finalize my background check.
wow. just wow.
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
this will only hurt for a minute....
but may take a few minutes to read….
i have a confession to make. over the last 5 months or so i have not been totally forthcoming on my blog. i did not do this out of dishonestly or ill intent…but out of inauthenticity. i have been thinking about this recently as some events have unfolded in my personal life. at the same time i caused these changes in my personal life tessierose (btw, her husband’s constant use of her real first name unnerves me. she is tessierose, damn it!) did a series of posts about shifting friendships. in one post she said the following which i will cut and paste directly from her blog:
my inauthenticity started on my birthday september 14th.
i had my first visit to a plastic surgeon that day. while i was in the room waiting i did a quick blog post about being able to fit in a paper gown. i have three of my real life friends receive my blogs via email instantly when i post. i did this because 1. i wanted to share my journey with these people specifically 2. i often called on these 3 for support and i felt instead of trying to re-explain everything it was just easier for them to see my blog and get an insider’s view to my mind and struggles and 3. i trusted them to read this and handle the information here appropriately. so…i hit send on my phone, the blog goes to 3 emails and within minutes one of the three recipients responds back to me and COPIES in the email 3 other people. one is someone who i was trying to date, as normal/chubby girl, at the time; another was someone i only socialize with at her house for parties; and the third was a social acquaintance who is really not that friendly to me and when i try to be friendly to her in social situations because of our mutual friends -- she responds kind of unfriendly. oh…but it gets better…when someone gets your blog post in email there is a link to your blog at the bottom of your email.
all three of these people are NOT people i would want to know that i am celebrating doing something “normal” like fitting into a doctor’s robe. nor are they people i would want reading my blog. sure, if they find it on their own…that is the risk i take blogging…but to have it deliberately shared by my so-called best friend? heartbreak. so the domino effect her sharing my blog had on my birthday is as follows: i could barely concentrate at the doctor appointment. i left there and got in my car and cried. i mean CRIED. i drove straight to one of my work/mommy friend’s office and literally crumbled behind closed doors about my humiliation. i then went out to lunch with my favorite staff members and my work/mommy friend…who took me to my favorite celebratory restaurant, made sure we had my favorite hot waitress and gave me disney gift cards…i could barely muster a smile and kept speaking in code about my humiliation with my work/mommy friend. then we went back to the office. i went into my office, closed the door and cried. i tried to pull myself together and even had to fake a stomach ache when my boss came by to get me to escort me to my surprise cupcake party he arranged for me.
while all this was going on i emailed my so-called best friend to tell her my humiliation. she claimed she did not know that these three RANDOM people did not already get my blog updates. i also got an email from one of the other 3 whom i share my blog with urging me to forgive my so-called best friend because “she would never do anything to hurt you purposely”. i did forgive her. but i also decided not to go to book club that night where i would see her. yes, for a nerd like me book club is a perfect way to spend your birthday. i also went on my blog and said the following words: “i had a major emotional freakout and breakdown today. i will address it another day here. i need to get it out. long story short...if i am going to blog about new beginnings and coping skills ---- i might want to read my own blog and learn from it. if i am going to talk about honesty and integrity i may want to consider not trying to control the access to that honesty. if i am going to bust my ass all year to make it to my 38th birthday i may want to act like i am 38 and not 14.” i never went back and blogged about what had upset me. i chose to gloss over this horrible horrible horrible event in my blog to spare her feelings because, of course, i knew she read my blog. i even blamed myself for acting like a 14 year old and invalidated my feelings. and don’t you fucking know it…my so-called best friend repeated that back to me a couple days later as if i was in the wrong for getting upset. in the reconciliation with my so-called best friend i stressed the importance of loyalty, confidentiality of my blog and my guardedness. she said she would do anything needed to make it right. i gave her a pass.
fast forward to november 18th… a group is going out to a hookah bar. my so-called best friend is going. we hang out. there are a couple new people to our group there i could do-without. even tell my so-called best friend this…but she continues to try to get me to engage with them. i am exhausted and dealing with weird people is not on my agenda for the night. we wrap the night up and as we are walking in the parking lot with the two weirdos….my so-called best friend says in her fakey public voice (which is kind of projecting) “so, heidi, what are your big plans for when you pass through the 200 pound gate?” huh? did you just announce to the parking lot and these two weirdos that i have been trying to avoid all night that i weigh more than 200 pounds????? oh. but it gets better. then, weirdo #1 says to me…”i used to weigh a lot and it took me a long time to stop shopping in the size large”….why is that significant? guess what i blogged about that very week? yep…. in my blog three days earlier i blogged about clothes shopping….kind of random for someone to start talking to me about when i my weight is brought up….so that means that at some point my so-called best friend shared my blog contents with this woman. i am assuming it was verbally at one point that evening…but whothefuckknowsanymore. so i laugh off the comments. get in my car. start to cry and quickly text my so-called best friend to not share my journey with new people. i cry all night. i am so upset that when m, who i was dating at the time, called me i had to tell her what happened. she was appalled. the next day i emailed my so-called best friend and asked her “on what planet is it ok to share another woman’s weight with total strangers?”. i say to her that she of all people knows how much i just want to be normal to new people and put this weight thing behind me…she knows this because she read my blog….she came back with some apology. she said she would not make excuses and went on to blame all the stresses in her life (and make excuses). she also said she just found out that she now weighs more than 200 pounds and blah blah blah finds me so inspiring. i told her to check her enmeshment issues and that her having to lose weight a little over 200 DOES NOT COMPARE to me having to lose weight starting at 373. she said she would do anything to repair our friendship. she said something at the time i did not understand and still do not…she said she would “reset” her brain to understand that what i share with her is not to be shared with anyone else. isn’t that common sense in an adult friendship? she even said that she has betrayed me many times and she was sorry for it. i forgave her. i did not blog about my heartache because i did not want to hurt her. i actually did not blog for two whole weeks after this incident. and when i finally did i only said: “there are some things i really want to explore but always feel like i need to catch-up before i just lay them out there....” again…i never did because i was sparing her feelings. afterall…she did apologize and say it would never happen again (ha!)
i regret not blogging at the time about these events. while i am not the best commenter and i will probably never make it to a chicago event at this rate…i feel like since october 2009 i have worked my ass off to be a part of this blogging community, to be a good friend to bloggers (both here and in real life) and in turn have established myself enough to receive the gift of good support and blogging friendship back from people. i feel like-- had i shared what was going on…instead of protecting someone else (see tessierose’s first bullet point) i would have gotten the support i needed, be more authentic and at the end of the day treated myself a little better.
so….this brings us to the present. i realized last week that my so-called best friend is displaying behaviors and handling her own personal situation in a way that is outside my comfort zone and at the end of the day -- not authentic and i am being asked to go along with this. my so-called best friend is going through a break-up. there are many different “reasons” for the break-up…depending on who is told what. there is the real story which i am privy to and there is the story her soon-to-be ex (s2bx is my favorite internet acronym) has been manipulated to believe and there is the similar reasons that the rest of the world is being told.
the real reasons for the break-up are not for me to judge….however…and this is a big however….when i see the s2bx beating herself up and regurgitating the reasons for the breakup she has been manipulated into believing to cover up someone else’s calculated path to the breakup….i get pissed. add to that my genuine concern of the s2bx and the s2bx's cold response back to me because i am supposedly best friends with the person breaking up with her (and it occurred to me that your friend's behavior can be a reflection on you and i am working my ass off to improve and evolve myself )…and i just couldn’t take it anymore. i could not take the manipulation and the effect it was having on the innocent partner. so i told my so-called best friend that. needless to say we are no longer best friends…not even friends…and i am ok with that…because in the series of email messages to me after i spoke up to her she went.too.far.
the woman, who by her own admission, had betrayed my requests for loyalty and trust multiple times bombarded me with email after email about her expectation of me to maintain confidentiality about the REAL reason for her breakup. if you think of the events of my birthday and the events of the hookah bar as a scab on my elbow….each email imploring me to “shake hands”, not betray her trust, how she regrets ever trusting me blah blah blah were just picking away at that scab until there was blood dripping down my arm. red, fresh blood that makes you remember how much it hurt when you got the sore at first.
here’s the thing…. i am almost 40. will be 39 this fall. my former so-called best friend is well into her 50s. her first reaction to me speaking up to her about how i did not wish to be a part of the farce anymore was for her to 1. accuse me of “outright egging” her on 2. say the following: “i do expect you to respect the confidentiality of things i trusted you with as they were unfolding. you can only hurt her if you decide to say "here's what you don't know." she will not thank you for it and will not be your friend after that.” 3. ask me to “shake hands” about me not telling her secret that would destroy her not only in how she is trying to manipulate this breakup but also have horrible consequences for her as a leader of the local lesbian community….because nobody likes a _________ and 4. she is trying to tell me how we will act to each other in public, we will not talk poorly about each other, etc. (she is also telling her s2bx how they will act about the breakup in public to the point that the s2bx is barely functioning)....excuse me…but i let my concern for your feelings not only destroy my 38th birthday and publicly humiliate me two months after that but i also let my concern for your feelings also dictate how i would deal with my own feelings publicly (on my blog in those cases)….p.s. want to really talk about regretting trusting people?????? i will make my own decisions on how i am going to process my feelings…thankyouverymuch. (ironically, her response to my telling her i did not support her current behavior was that she appreciates when people tell her exactly what they think of her…but the truth is not many people can tell her exactly what they think of her because she is lying to everyone about everything….)
at the end of day, i am no longer the fat girl that barrels through life, being louder, bigger or more intimidating than anyone else. i had to be that person when i was trying to mask my weight...when i did not like myself. i thought i liked myself at the time and being a bully was just who i was. i am "alpha". now i know that it is ok, like tessierose said, to blend it. to be part of the group and not be a trailblazer and knock everyone down as i blaze on through. i also see the irony that someone who consistently responded to my blog posts with something like: "your insight/ability to change is inspiring to watch" is so not willing to evolve. i guess i am no oprah when it comes to inspiration...lol.
but like i said, i am almost 40….and as grown evolved adult i believe that i am able to maintain confidentiality without resetting my brain, shaking hands or being bullied (see number 2 above). but can you do me a favor? stop picking at the scab and worrying about my ability not to betray you when you have betrayed me time and time again….maybe it is normal for you to betray people…but most healthy adults get through life and the end of friendships without betrayal. is your guilty conscience overriding your ability to act rationally? because every email i received telling me how to handle the confidential issues -- and i think there were seven in the span of 30 minutes -- only reminds me of ALL THE TIMES YOU BETRAYED ME...and had me screaming inside REALLY? REALLY! REEEEEAAAAAALLLLLYYYYYY?????? you think this is about my ability to keep your dirty little secret and not about your emotional manipulation of me, your wife, your community and the people you lead to believe are your friends but you lie to. you really regret telling me your secrets? yeah....pull up a chair and let me tell you about regrets....want to hear how i spent my 38th birthday? and that is when tessierosie's bullet points on herself and how she relates to her friends hit me. specifically bullet point #1 about worrying about people liking me. i was so worried about being friends with someone who repeatedly hurt me that i was willing to hurt myself. and when i finally said enough is enough she came back and hurt me some more. but this time....this time...i laughed. i did not cry.
i know this blog post is walking a fine line between being vindictive and being authentic. i really see it more as my cathy bates/towanda moment then anything else… of course, the irony of this whole thing is that i have no idea who she has shared my blog with in the past and who in our mutual circles will see this and figure out some things about her on their own…..but i guess that is the way the cookie crumbles. i do know from statcounter that last week someone in west palm beach spent almost two full days on my blog….i also know that someone in our social community --who has the same internet provider that statcounter captured -- basically quoted something from my blog back to me (un-weight related) within those same two days--- something i posted a little while ago and was seen by the west palm beach reader this last week. could be a coincidence. could be.
one of my favorite bumper stickers says: speak up even if your voice shakes. this is my blog. my authentic home. my safe place. and, damn it, i will never ever ever ever let another person take away my voice, my ability to express myself or my power to stand up for myself again!
i have a confession to make. over the last 5 months or so i have not been totally forthcoming on my blog. i did not do this out of dishonestly or ill intent…but out of inauthenticity. i have been thinking about this recently as some events have unfolded in my personal life. at the same time i caused these changes in my personal life tessierose (btw, her husband’s constant use of her real first name unnerves me. she is tessierose, damn it!) did a series of posts about shifting friendships. in one post she said the following which i will cut and paste directly from her blog:
- When I was really big, I was much more of a people pleaser. It was very important to me that people like me. Now, I still want to be liked, but I feel like if someone doesn't, it's not the end of the world.
- When I was really big, I was more over-the-top. I always felt like I had to grab people's attention right away and keep them wowed with my wit and charm so that they would somehow miss out on the fact that I was huge!
- When I was really big, everything was really big...my earrings, my hand bags, I had a bit of a shock factor I suppose, even when I look back at pictures of myself, I realize that I'm being goofy in nearly every picture. I don't feel the need to be the clown now. Now I think I blend in better.
- When I was really big, I felt it my duty to be on point and funny at all times, now I think I'm still funny, but when I'm not in the mood to be the "life of the party" well then, I'm just not.
when i read this it was a total epiphany moment for me. and it was at that moment that my blog life and personal life suddenly collided.
my inauthenticity started on my birthday september 14th.
i had my first visit to a plastic surgeon that day. while i was in the room waiting i did a quick blog post about being able to fit in a paper gown. i have three of my real life friends receive my blogs via email instantly when i post. i did this because 1. i wanted to share my journey with these people specifically 2. i often called on these 3 for support and i felt instead of trying to re-explain everything it was just easier for them to see my blog and get an insider’s view to my mind and struggles and 3. i trusted them to read this and handle the information here appropriately. so…i hit send on my phone, the blog goes to 3 emails and within minutes one of the three recipients responds back to me and COPIES in the email 3 other people. one is someone who i was trying to date, as normal/chubby girl, at the time; another was someone i only socialize with at her house for parties; and the third was a social acquaintance who is really not that friendly to me and when i try to be friendly to her in social situations because of our mutual friends -- she responds kind of unfriendly. oh…but it gets better…when someone gets your blog post in email there is a link to your blog at the bottom of your email.
all three of these people are NOT people i would want to know that i am celebrating doing something “normal” like fitting into a doctor’s robe. nor are they people i would want reading my blog. sure, if they find it on their own…that is the risk i take blogging…but to have it deliberately shared by my so-called best friend? heartbreak. so the domino effect her sharing my blog had on my birthday is as follows: i could barely concentrate at the doctor appointment. i left there and got in my car and cried. i mean CRIED. i drove straight to one of my work/mommy friend’s office and literally crumbled behind closed doors about my humiliation. i then went out to lunch with my favorite staff members and my work/mommy friend…who took me to my favorite celebratory restaurant, made sure we had my favorite hot waitress and gave me disney gift cards…i could barely muster a smile and kept speaking in code about my humiliation with my work/mommy friend. then we went back to the office. i went into my office, closed the door and cried. i tried to pull myself together and even had to fake a stomach ache when my boss came by to get me to escort me to my surprise cupcake party he arranged for me.
while all this was going on i emailed my so-called best friend to tell her my humiliation. she claimed she did not know that these three RANDOM people did not already get my blog updates. i also got an email from one of the other 3 whom i share my blog with urging me to forgive my so-called best friend because “she would never do anything to hurt you purposely”. i did forgive her. but i also decided not to go to book club that night where i would see her. yes, for a nerd like me book club is a perfect way to spend your birthday. i also went on my blog and said the following words: “i had a major emotional freakout and breakdown today. i will address it another day here. i need to get it out. long story short...if i am going to blog about new beginnings and coping skills ---- i might want to read my own blog and learn from it. if i am going to talk about honesty and integrity i may want to consider not trying to control the access to that honesty. if i am going to bust my ass all year to make it to my 38th birthday i may want to act like i am 38 and not 14.” i never went back and blogged about what had upset me. i chose to gloss over this horrible horrible horrible event in my blog to spare her feelings because, of course, i knew she read my blog. i even blamed myself for acting like a 14 year old and invalidated my feelings. and don’t you fucking know it…my so-called best friend repeated that back to me a couple days later as if i was in the wrong for getting upset. in the reconciliation with my so-called best friend i stressed the importance of loyalty, confidentiality of my blog and my guardedness. she said she would do anything needed to make it right. i gave her a pass.
fast forward to november 18th… a group is going out to a hookah bar. my so-called best friend is going. we hang out. there are a couple new people to our group there i could do-without. even tell my so-called best friend this…but she continues to try to get me to engage with them. i am exhausted and dealing with weird people is not on my agenda for the night. we wrap the night up and as we are walking in the parking lot with the two weirdos….my so-called best friend says in her fakey public voice (which is kind of projecting) “so, heidi, what are your big plans for when you pass through the 200 pound gate?” huh? did you just announce to the parking lot and these two weirdos that i have been trying to avoid all night that i weigh more than 200 pounds????? oh. but it gets better. then, weirdo #1 says to me…”i used to weigh a lot and it took me a long time to stop shopping in the size large”….why is that significant? guess what i blogged about that very week? yep…. in my blog three days earlier i blogged about clothes shopping….kind of random for someone to start talking to me about when i my weight is brought up….so that means that at some point my so-called best friend shared my blog contents with this woman. i am assuming it was verbally at one point that evening…but whothefuckknowsanymore. so i laugh off the comments. get in my car. start to cry and quickly text my so-called best friend to not share my journey with new people. i cry all night. i am so upset that when m, who i was dating at the time, called me i had to tell her what happened. she was appalled. the next day i emailed my so-called best friend and asked her “on what planet is it ok to share another woman’s weight with total strangers?”. i say to her that she of all people knows how much i just want to be normal to new people and put this weight thing behind me…she knows this because she read my blog….she came back with some apology. she said she would not make excuses and went on to blame all the stresses in her life (and make excuses). she also said she just found out that she now weighs more than 200 pounds and blah blah blah finds me so inspiring. i told her to check her enmeshment issues and that her having to lose weight a little over 200 DOES NOT COMPARE to me having to lose weight starting at 373. she said she would do anything to repair our friendship. she said something at the time i did not understand and still do not…she said she would “reset” her brain to understand that what i share with her is not to be shared with anyone else. isn’t that common sense in an adult friendship? she even said that she has betrayed me many times and she was sorry for it. i forgave her. i did not blog about my heartache because i did not want to hurt her. i actually did not blog for two whole weeks after this incident. and when i finally did i only said: “there are some things i really want to explore but always feel like i need to catch-up before i just lay them out there....” again…i never did because i was sparing her feelings. afterall…she did apologize and say it would never happen again (ha!)
i regret not blogging at the time about these events. while i am not the best commenter and i will probably never make it to a chicago event at this rate…i feel like since october 2009 i have worked my ass off to be a part of this blogging community, to be a good friend to bloggers (both here and in real life) and in turn have established myself enough to receive the gift of good support and blogging friendship back from people. i feel like-- had i shared what was going on…instead of protecting someone else (see tessierose’s first bullet point) i would have gotten the support i needed, be more authentic and at the end of the day treated myself a little better.
so….this brings us to the present. i realized last week that my so-called best friend is displaying behaviors and handling her own personal situation in a way that is outside my comfort zone and at the end of the day -- not authentic and i am being asked to go along with this. my so-called best friend is going through a break-up. there are many different “reasons” for the break-up…depending on who is told what. there is the real story which i am privy to and there is the story her soon-to-be ex (s2bx is my favorite internet acronym) has been manipulated to believe and there is the similar reasons that the rest of the world is being told.
the real reasons for the break-up are not for me to judge….however…and this is a big however….when i see the s2bx beating herself up and regurgitating the reasons for the breakup she has been manipulated into believing to cover up someone else’s calculated path to the breakup….i get pissed. add to that my genuine concern of the s2bx and the s2bx's cold response back to me because i am supposedly best friends with the person breaking up with her (and it occurred to me that your friend's behavior can be a reflection on you and i am working my ass off to improve and evolve myself )…and i just couldn’t take it anymore. i could not take the manipulation and the effect it was having on the innocent partner. so i told my so-called best friend that. needless to say we are no longer best friends…not even friends…and i am ok with that…because in the series of email messages to me after i spoke up to her she went.too.far.
the woman, who by her own admission, had betrayed my requests for loyalty and trust multiple times bombarded me with email after email about her expectation of me to maintain confidentiality about the REAL reason for her breakup. if you think of the events of my birthday and the events of the hookah bar as a scab on my elbow….each email imploring me to “shake hands”, not betray her trust, how she regrets ever trusting me blah blah blah were just picking away at that scab until there was blood dripping down my arm. red, fresh blood that makes you remember how much it hurt when you got the sore at first.
here’s the thing…. i am almost 40. will be 39 this fall. my former so-called best friend is well into her 50s. her first reaction to me speaking up to her about how i did not wish to be a part of the farce anymore was for her to 1. accuse me of “outright egging” her on 2. say the following: “i do expect you to respect the confidentiality of things i trusted you with as they were unfolding. you can only hurt her if you decide to say "here's what you don't know." she will not thank you for it and will not be your friend after that.” 3. ask me to “shake hands” about me not telling her secret that would destroy her not only in how she is trying to manipulate this breakup but also have horrible consequences for her as a leader of the local lesbian community….because nobody likes a _________ and 4. she is trying to tell me how we will act to each other in public, we will not talk poorly about each other, etc. (she is also telling her s2bx how they will act about the breakup in public to the point that the s2bx is barely functioning)....excuse me…but i let my concern for your feelings not only destroy my 38th birthday and publicly humiliate me two months after that but i also let my concern for your feelings also dictate how i would deal with my own feelings publicly (on my blog in those cases)….p.s. want to really talk about regretting trusting people?????? i will make my own decisions on how i am going to process my feelings…thankyouverymuch. (ironically, her response to my telling her i did not support her current behavior was that she appreciates when people tell her exactly what they think of her…but the truth is not many people can tell her exactly what they think of her because she is lying to everyone about everything….)
at the end of day, i am no longer the fat girl that barrels through life, being louder, bigger or more intimidating than anyone else. i had to be that person when i was trying to mask my weight...when i did not like myself. i thought i liked myself at the time and being a bully was just who i was. i am "alpha". now i know that it is ok, like tessierose said, to blend it. to be part of the group and not be a trailblazer and knock everyone down as i blaze on through. i also see the irony that someone who consistently responded to my blog posts with something like: "your insight/ability to change is inspiring to watch" is so not willing to evolve. i guess i am no oprah when it comes to inspiration...lol.
but like i said, i am almost 40….and as grown evolved adult i believe that i am able to maintain confidentiality without resetting my brain, shaking hands or being bullied (see number 2 above). but can you do me a favor? stop picking at the scab and worrying about my ability not to betray you when you have betrayed me time and time again….maybe it is normal for you to betray people…but most healthy adults get through life and the end of friendships without betrayal. is your guilty conscience overriding your ability to act rationally? because every email i received telling me how to handle the confidential issues -- and i think there were seven in the span of 30 minutes -- only reminds me of ALL THE TIMES YOU BETRAYED ME...and had me screaming inside REALLY? REALLY! REEEEEAAAAAALLLLLYYYYYY?????? you think this is about my ability to keep your dirty little secret and not about your emotional manipulation of me, your wife, your community and the people you lead to believe are your friends but you lie to. you really regret telling me your secrets? yeah....pull up a chair and let me tell you about regrets....want to hear how i spent my 38th birthday? and that is when tessierosie's bullet points on herself and how she relates to her friends hit me. specifically bullet point #1 about worrying about people liking me. i was so worried about being friends with someone who repeatedly hurt me that i was willing to hurt myself. and when i finally said enough is enough she came back and hurt me some more. but this time....this time...i laughed. i did not cry.
i know this blog post is walking a fine line between being vindictive and being authentic. i really see it more as my cathy bates/towanda moment then anything else… of course, the irony of this whole thing is that i have no idea who she has shared my blog with in the past and who in our mutual circles will see this and figure out some things about her on their own…..but i guess that is the way the cookie crumbles. i do know from statcounter that last week someone in west palm beach spent almost two full days on my blog….i also know that someone in our social community --who has the same internet provider that statcounter captured -- basically quoted something from my blog back to me (un-weight related) within those same two days--- something i posted a little while ago and was seen by the west palm beach reader this last week. could be a coincidence. could be.of course there will be social consequences for this post. shit, just speaking up to her last week was a partial death to my social life…but i had to. i did not lose all this weight, go through months of therapy, make many adjustments to my mind and body to not be myself. i am done being a people pleaser. i.am.done. if it means less friends, new friends, no friends...i am ok....because for the rest of my life i have to live with me, me, me and i will not ever let anyone get in the way of the real me again.
one of my favorite bumper stickers says: speak up even if your voice shakes. this is my blog. my authentic home. my safe place. and, damn it, i will never ever ever ever let another person take away my voice, my ability to express myself or my power to stand up for myself again!
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
who i was, am and will be.....
there are two blog posts swirling around in my lil ole head screaming to be released.... this will be the first of two....
my thoughts on being a mom. a lesbian mom, to be more specific. a lot of these thoughts came to me this weekend as i attended a birthday party for a classmate of the princess, ran around town getting us organized with food and supplies for my week of recovery from surgery and spent all day yesterday at three different annual check-ups for the princess.
let me say this first...being a mom is all i have ever wanted to be. the steps i took to become a mother were calculated. i have no regrets whatsoever in becoming a mother.
with that being said...being a mom is probably the most isolating experience in my life. specifically, being a non-partnered lesbian mom. as a lesbian i am different from most other lesbians who choose not to be parents. as a non-partnered lesbian mom i am different from most of the other lesbians who are raising a kid with a partner. as a lesbian i am different from most of the other moms who are straight.
to break these thoughts down further...
lesbian mom in non-parenting lesbian world....a lot of lesbians don't like kids. they don't want kids around. i can not tell you how many women have told me that they do not wish to date someone with kids because they "can not relate to kids". i can't tell you how many women think they are complimenting me and the princess when they announce that "generally i do not like kids, but the princess is ok"....um, gee. thanks, i think. of course, this is a general statement that there are exceptions in my life to this. but as a whole...the gay and lesbian world is not kid friendly.
non-partnered lesbian mom...true story: i met a lesbian couple with a child at gay pride last year. we had emailed before meeting face to face and talked about out kids getting together. i happened to be walking around with a platonic friend and my kid when we met. they assumed that my friend was the other mommy. they said to their kid "look, kid, the princess has TWO MOMMIES too!" the kid is about 10. i said "actually, the princess has only one mommy...me". "ooooh." was the response. needless to say they never wanted to get together after that. i have also watched in amusement over the last year them post on a social site and tell other people i know how they are so frustrated that they can not meet other professional lesbian moms. i am a professional. i have the letters behind my name, if you are someone that impresses. i am just a singular mom and not plural. i also watched in amusement at a pool party we all attended last year as they latched onto the trashy, dysfunctional NOT professional lesbian couple. but, hey...they were momS with a capital S. of all the friends and social acquaintances in my life....not one is a lesbian mom. i tried to start a group. it failed. i would like lesbian mom friends. not every other weekend lesbian moms with leftover teenage kids from a former straight life. but fulltime lesbian moms raising young kids. but even if i can not find that...i would love to meet lesbian moms. period. i read recently that 34% of jacksonville's gay community is parents. inviting.
lesbian mommy -- not straight mommy....my mommy friends are straight. and i would probably have more if i would put more effort into developing friendships and socializing at birthday parties, etc. but i don't. i don't know why...but i am very awkward and don't jump in with the other moms. i think some of it is the demographic area i live in. let me just say...bravo could do a whole series on the real mommie of boca raton. so while, i say i am isolated...i know that some of this is my own doing when it comes to the straight mommies.
with all this being said....being a mom is all i have ever wanted to be. i have no regrets whatsoever in becoming a mother. i just wanted to put out there how isolating at times my life can be. i want to work harder at making friends that i have the kid connection with. this will mean going outside my comfort zone. ugh. i like my comfort zone. lol. my lonely disney loving, jimmy buffet singing, mommy-centric comfort zone.
i think a lot of these thoughts have a lot to do with the uncovering of the authentic me. i have a bigger blog post about the authentic me bursting to get out. but not today. maybe tomorrow.
my thoughts on being a mom. a lesbian mom, to be more specific. a lot of these thoughts came to me this weekend as i attended a birthday party for a classmate of the princess, ran around town getting us organized with food and supplies for my week of recovery from surgery and spent all day yesterday at three different annual check-ups for the princess.
let me say this first...being a mom is all i have ever wanted to be. the steps i took to become a mother were calculated. i have no regrets whatsoever in becoming a mother.
with that being said...being a mom is probably the most isolating experience in my life. specifically, being a non-partnered lesbian mom. as a lesbian i am different from most other lesbians who choose not to be parents. as a non-partnered lesbian mom i am different from most of the other lesbians who are raising a kid with a partner. as a lesbian i am different from most of the other moms who are straight.
to break these thoughts down further...
lesbian mom in non-parenting lesbian world....a lot of lesbians don't like kids. they don't want kids around. i can not tell you how many women have told me that they do not wish to date someone with kids because they "can not relate to kids". i can't tell you how many women think they are complimenting me and the princess when they announce that "generally i do not like kids, but the princess is ok"....um, gee. thanks, i think. of course, this is a general statement that there are exceptions in my life to this. but as a whole...the gay and lesbian world is not kid friendly.
non-partnered lesbian mom...true story: i met a lesbian couple with a child at gay pride last year. we had emailed before meeting face to face and talked about out kids getting together. i happened to be walking around with a platonic friend and my kid when we met. they assumed that my friend was the other mommy. they said to their kid "look, kid, the princess has TWO MOMMIES too!" the kid is about 10. i said "actually, the princess has only one mommy...me". "ooooh." was the response. needless to say they never wanted to get together after that. i have also watched in amusement over the last year them post on a social site and tell other people i know how they are so frustrated that they can not meet other professional lesbian moms. i am a professional. i have the letters behind my name, if you are someone that impresses. i am just a singular mom and not plural. i also watched in amusement at a pool party we all attended last year as they latched onto the trashy, dysfunctional NOT professional lesbian couple. but, hey...they were momS with a capital S. of all the friends and social acquaintances in my life....not one is a lesbian mom. i tried to start a group. it failed. i would like lesbian mom friends. not every other weekend lesbian moms with leftover teenage kids from a former straight life. but fulltime lesbian moms raising young kids. but even if i can not find that...i would love to meet lesbian moms. period. i read recently that 34% of jacksonville's gay community is parents. inviting.
lesbian mommy -- not straight mommy....my mommy friends are straight. and i would probably have more if i would put more effort into developing friendships and socializing at birthday parties, etc. but i don't. i don't know why...but i am very awkward and don't jump in with the other moms. i think some of it is the demographic area i live in. let me just say...bravo could do a whole series on the real mommie of boca raton. so while, i say i am isolated...i know that some of this is my own doing when it comes to the straight mommies.
with all this being said....being a mom is all i have ever wanted to be. i have no regrets whatsoever in becoming a mother. i just wanted to put out there how isolating at times my life can be. i want to work harder at making friends that i have the kid connection with. this will mean going outside my comfort zone. ugh. i like my comfort zone. lol. my lonely disney loving, jimmy buffet singing, mommy-centric comfort zone.
i think a lot of these thoughts have a lot to do with the uncovering of the authentic me. i have a bigger blog post about the authentic me bursting to get out. but not today. maybe tomorrow.
Saturday, February 19, 2011
here today...gone next friday...
saw the surgeon yesterday and i am going to have my gallbladder taken out next friday. it will be performed by my bariatric surgeon and done laproscopiclly. i will need to spend the night in the hospital and out of work for a week. he wanted to do it on monday (a couple days) but it would be too rushed from a hospital scheduling standpoint -- and it is not an emergency...just urgent.a gallbladder weighs 14 ounces....just sayin....
fortunately i have good insurance and the time/flexibility with work. i actually just took initiative at work last week and offered to roll my sleeves up and fix another department and all those initial changes were supposed to be unveiled the week i will now be out. but that is ok...they can wait a week. but it does mean that most likely i will now work through most of the princess' spring break mid-March. oh well. Camp Grandma was chomping at the bit anyways for a week of spring break at her house....
the surgeon said i had a very bad attack and that i could choose to keep it in but that the likelihood of the attacks reoccurring and getting worse is a strong possibility. i am a solo mom. i travel the state during the day for work and travel a lot on weekends alone with my daughter. the idea of this happening again --alone-- with the princess stresses me out.
the other thing the hospital ultrasound discovered is that i have two well defined masses on my liver (hepatocellular adenoma). the surgeon said that benign liver tumors are not uncommon in women my age and are often caused by birth control. (even though i do not have sex with men, i do have mirena because i am in love with the idea of no periods for 5 years and it helps control my fibroids -- and of course i will man up and take my period if it makes this problem go away) ...so after the gallbladder issue is behind me, he wants me to have an MRI and then he will refer me to a liver specialist. i am a mom to a young girl -- so OF COURSE these are JUST some benign tumors that will go away...right? the history of pancreatic and liver cancer in my family has no bearing whatsoever here.....
Thursday, February 17, 2011
a call to the psychic hotline about my gallbladder....
soooooo....just got home from a visit to the emergency room.
here is what went down on the medical front... i woke up at 1:30 with excruciating pain in my back. it was bad. but i thought i was twisted up and sleeping funny and once i straighten out it would go away. it didn't. and when i wasn't dying from the pain in my back i realized i had a lot of pain smack dab in the middle of my chest below my boobs....and it was radiating to the right. the harder i breathed the worst the pain got. i didn't know if i wanted to vomit, puke or fart. so i sat in the toilet for a while. i googled gallbladder from my phone and knew immediately what was going on. eventually called my folks so they could come down (about 30 minutes) and one of them could take me to the ER and one of them could be here when the princess got up for school. the ER quickly guessed it was my gallbladder too and some quick blood tests and an ultrasound later it was confirmed that i have "numerous" gallstones. my liver function is fine and there is not obstruction so it did not require immediate surgery but i was discharged with directions to see my bariatric surgeon soon (he is also a general surgeon). the ER doctor was amazing and even called my bariatric surgeon so that he is fully briefed when i see him tomorrow. the ER doctor suggested that i will most likely have my gallbladder removed because of the amount of stones and the link between weight loss surgery and gallbladder problems.
here is what went down on the psychic hotline front.... first some back history....i have always had a strong familial intuition. my mom too. i would be away at college and leave class with this strange urge to talk to my grandfather. once i left class to call him, my mom answered at his house and i asked "what is wrong with grandpa" and she said "let me call you back, the paramedics just got here".... my use of lsd only heightened my intuition. twice i was out at the club tripping and went right to the airport first thing in the morning because of some strong urge to get back to florida and i had my mom's travel agent book me a ticket and would have her call my parents to tell them i was on my way home and TWICE my dad met me at the airport and took me directly to the hospital to see my grandfather. one of those times he was in a coma. and he woke up when i got to his room to say "good-bye". the stories go on and on. my mom just reminded me of the time she was sitting on the sofa in the middle of the night and my grandfather called and said "you sound wide awake" and she said "i was waiting for you to call" and he said "i am ready to go to the hospital".
so.....what does this have to do with my gallbladder? here is last night's timeline:
1:30AM i wake up in pain spend an hour trying to go back to sleep not realizing how much pain i am in.
2:30AM my dad wakes up. gets a drink of water and goes back to bed but can't fall asleep so at 3:30 he goes on the computer to do some work.
3:30AM i have the house phone in my hand and am about to call my parents. the princess comes downstairs to my room and tells me she wants to see my mom. i tell her to get in my bed and go back to sleep. i decide not to call my parents yet.
3:35AM i send my mom an email to say "i don't feel good. i think it is my gallbladder".
4:20AM my mom gets up. thinks she is going to go back to sleep.
4:30AM i call my parents and tell them to come get me. my dad is already dressed unconsciously, we now realize, waiting for my call. dad takes me to ER and mom stays home with the princess who wakes up, unaware of her familial intuition leanings, and thinks that she got her wish to see her grandmother.
so....now i am home. in pain. but not as much pain as this morning thanks to the percocet. and OF COURSE today i am supposed to see my therapist after many missed attempts. thanks to Catherine's wise advice i immediately texted her when i left the ER to tell her i could not drive down but would love a phone appointment today and that is what we will do. Thanks Catherine for suggesting that option.
so i will see the surgeon tomorrow at 4 and figure out the next steps from here.... always fun around here, i tell ya.... lol.
here is what went down on the medical front... i woke up at 1:30 with excruciating pain in my back. it was bad. but i thought i was twisted up and sleeping funny and once i straighten out it would go away. it didn't. and when i wasn't dying from the pain in my back i realized i had a lot of pain smack dab in the middle of my chest below my boobs....and it was radiating to the right. the harder i breathed the worst the pain got. i didn't know if i wanted to vomit, puke or fart. so i sat in the toilet for a while. i googled gallbladder from my phone and knew immediately what was going on. eventually called my folks so they could come down (about 30 minutes) and one of them could take me to the ER and one of them could be here when the princess got up for school. the ER quickly guessed it was my gallbladder too and some quick blood tests and an ultrasound later it was confirmed that i have "numerous" gallstones. my liver function is fine and there is not obstruction so it did not require immediate surgery but i was discharged with directions to see my bariatric surgeon soon (he is also a general surgeon). the ER doctor was amazing and even called my bariatric surgeon so that he is fully briefed when i see him tomorrow. the ER doctor suggested that i will most likely have my gallbladder removed because of the amount of stones and the link between weight loss surgery and gallbladder problems.
here is what went down on the psychic hotline front.... first some back history....i have always had a strong familial intuition. my mom too. i would be away at college and leave class with this strange urge to talk to my grandfather. once i left class to call him, my mom answered at his house and i asked "what is wrong with grandpa" and she said "let me call you back, the paramedics just got here".... my use of lsd only heightened my intuition. twice i was out at the club tripping and went right to the airport first thing in the morning because of some strong urge to get back to florida and i had my mom's travel agent book me a ticket and would have her call my parents to tell them i was on my way home and TWICE my dad met me at the airport and took me directly to the hospital to see my grandfather. one of those times he was in a coma. and he woke up when i got to his room to say "good-bye". the stories go on and on. my mom just reminded me of the time she was sitting on the sofa in the middle of the night and my grandfather called and said "you sound wide awake" and she said "i was waiting for you to call" and he said "i am ready to go to the hospital".
so.....what does this have to do with my gallbladder? here is last night's timeline:
1:30AM i wake up in pain spend an hour trying to go back to sleep not realizing how much pain i am in.
2:30AM my dad wakes up. gets a drink of water and goes back to bed but can't fall asleep so at 3:30 he goes on the computer to do some work.
3:30AM i have the house phone in my hand and am about to call my parents. the princess comes downstairs to my room and tells me she wants to see my mom. i tell her to get in my bed and go back to sleep. i decide not to call my parents yet.
3:35AM i send my mom an email to say "i don't feel good. i think it is my gallbladder".
4:20AM my mom gets up. thinks she is going to go back to sleep.
4:30AM i call my parents and tell them to come get me. my dad is already dressed unconsciously, we now realize, waiting for my call. dad takes me to ER and mom stays home with the princess who wakes up, unaware of her familial intuition leanings, and thinks that she got her wish to see her grandmother.
so....now i am home. in pain. but not as much pain as this morning thanks to the percocet. and OF COURSE today i am supposed to see my therapist after many missed attempts. thanks to Catherine's wise advice i immediately texted her when i left the ER to tell her i could not drive down but would love a phone appointment today and that is what we will do. Thanks Catherine for suggesting that option.
so i will see the surgeon tomorrow at 4 and figure out the next steps from here.... always fun around here, i tell ya.... lol.
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
we are soooooo over....
sometime last week i was catching up on some DVR material...specifically Hoarders and Heavy. at some point during this marathon i realized i may be a food hoarder.
no, you will not find pizza crusts under my bed. but if at that moment in time you opened my refrigerator you would see stacks of leftover boxes.
it occurred to me that my leftovers were totally beyond the fact that i can only eat 1/2 cup of food...but more related to my need to hold onto food way past its usefulness and/or my desire for it. i am also the type that when i have lived with someone in the past and they ate something in the fridge that i wanted later i would get upset. my mom is like that too. my strong attachment to food and not letting go is definitely not healthy.
so since having this revelation i have not brought any doggie bags into the house. i eat what i can and everything else gets left in the restaurant or my companion will eat it. and it has been soooooo freeing. it is weird. but for some reason letting go of saving food all the time has really hit the spot with me.
speaking of Heavy...i find it very interesting that in the past i could never watch shows like this or biggest loser. i avoided them at all costs. since losing weight and going through my emotional growth process i can get to a place where i watch them.... anyone else have that switch?
no, you will not find pizza crusts under my bed. but if at that moment in time you opened my refrigerator you would see stacks of leftover boxes.
it occurred to me that my leftovers were totally beyond the fact that i can only eat 1/2 cup of food...but more related to my need to hold onto food way past its usefulness and/or my desire for it. i am also the type that when i have lived with someone in the past and they ate something in the fridge that i wanted later i would get upset. my mom is like that too. my strong attachment to food and not letting go is definitely not healthy. speaking of Heavy...i find it very interesting that in the past i could never watch shows like this or biggest loser. i avoided them at all costs. since losing weight and going through my emotional growth process i can get to a place where i watch them.... anyone else have that switch?
Sunday, February 13, 2011
a simple search...
for the words "transfer addiction" produce the following:
very interesting stuff out there directly related to WLS. and it makes total sense.
don't get me wrong...i don't think i am a full blown alcoholic....more like i saw the writing on the wall this morning....and am choosing to be more conscious of my drinking, who i hang out/drink with and figure out why i must always numb myself with *something*....
today i had the following thoughts:
thought #1 i am an amazing mother. i am so-so with being a wannabe punkrock social rockstar. i need to keep doing and prioritize what i am good at. (thank god i am a lazy bitch and like to take the easy way out instead of finding new work for myself...because if i decided i needed to be better at being a wannabe punkrock social rockstar it might negate the amazing mother stuff.....lol)
thought #2 i have pretty much lost 180 pounds from my highest weight. (assuming i am around 195 today and that even though i saw 373 on the scale once...most like i weighed more than that...) and that i need to go beyond appreciating the fact that i have lost a full grown overweight woman but that there is no way in hell i am going to be able to handle things either a. like i used to or b. perfectly....
thought #3 this is soooooooooo fucking hard. all of it.
thought #4 i hope the store justice goes bankrupt. the princess decided to spend her birthday money and justice gift cards today. she is only SIX! i can not handle that store for 6,7,8 more years.
due to schedules, circumstance and emergencies i have not seen my therapist since mid-december. i am supposed to see her this thursday. i feel so out of control with my functionality lately...
You can't make this shit up....
Going home from disney.... got pulled from a brake light being out. Just a warning.
saying it out loud.....
i think know that I am drinking too much lately.
Putting it out there....last weekend drank from 9pm Saturday until 4pm sunday....had a hard liquor drink alone at bedtime tuesday night....got drunk thursday night....drunk texted thursday night....thought about drinking all day friday...drank 4, maybe 5, glasses of wine last night and two shots of sex on the beach....
The likelihood of a transfer addiction is not lost on me....I am officially going dry. And if I can't, I will be seeking specific help.
Putting it out there....last weekend drank from 9pm Saturday until 4pm sunday....had a hard liquor drink alone at bedtime tuesday night....got drunk thursday night....drunk texted thursday night....thought about drinking all day friday...drank 4, maybe 5, glasses of wine last night and two shots of sex on the beach....
The likelihood of a transfer addiction is not lost on me....I am officially going dry. And if I can't, I will be seeking specific help.
Saturday, February 12, 2011
Aloha
From Disney's Polynesian resort. Breakfast with Lilo and Stitch. (since it is a fixed price menu the manager has agreed to let me pay the kid rate! Yay!)
Not the best start to our disney day....
Oh well ..... but my cute kid got us down to the minimum fine....
Friday, February 11, 2011
Thursday, February 10, 2011
i no longer "used to weigh 373 pounds"...
so...true to my "word" for 2011, i have been busy living life.... and in the midst of living life, there has been a major shift in my axis...
i have been "hanging out" (very proud that i am not getting tangled up in relationship crap and staying true to my intentions to "just have fun") with the 24 year old a lot and never once have i mentioned weight loss, surgery, therapy or anything that has happened since november 2009 and now. and even bigger is the fact that i don't feel like i am hiding anything or feel uncomfortable, like i did in my dating attempts a few months ago. we have even been out to eat and when i barely ate anything she did make a joke but i had no desire what-so-ever to tell her why. i know i have been out with other bandsters and they have always commiserated that people always comment on how little they eat -- well i discovered that people apparently say that whether they know "why" or not....lol.
now, i know if we keep "hanging out" it will eventually come up. (through a social group she could stumble across fat pictures of me). and i have thought of what i would say and i actually caught myself thinking i would say that "i have lost weight"...and then i occurred to me that my first thought was NOT "i used to weigh 373 pounds".
the most important thing for me to say about this is...none of these thoughts come from shame ... but really from a point of walking away from the past...letting go...disassociating myself from who i was to who i am now in this moment in time.
i actually keep forgetting my fat past and can honestly say that i feel "normal" -- like my cousin said to me in january when i saw her: "you are now just like every other suburban mom staring down the barrel of a 40 year old gun...you should go to the gym more, lose 25 pounds and would love a tummy tuck"....
the other major axis shift going on is i actually see the true me in the mirror. i am no longer depending on pictures to see the changes. something in the last couple weeks has either changed in my mind that i actually have to stop myself in front of mirrors and stand in amazement at my profile. even standing naked -- i have been able to see past the skin and my stomach apron and see a very slender silhouette emerging. craaaaaaazy. i can see what everyone else has been telling me. and i am proud and in love with what i see.
i have been "hanging out" (very proud that i am not getting tangled up in relationship crap and staying true to my intentions to "just have fun") with the 24 year old a lot and never once have i mentioned weight loss, surgery, therapy or anything that has happened since november 2009 and now. and even bigger is the fact that i don't feel like i am hiding anything or feel uncomfortable, like i did in my dating attempts a few months ago. we have even been out to eat and when i barely ate anything she did make a joke but i had no desire what-so-ever to tell her why. i know i have been out with other bandsters and they have always commiserated that people always comment on how little they eat -- well i discovered that people apparently say that whether they know "why" or not....lol.
now, i know if we keep "hanging out" it will eventually come up. (through a social group she could stumble across fat pictures of me). and i have thought of what i would say and i actually caught myself thinking i would say that "i have lost weight"...and then i occurred to me that my first thought was NOT "i used to weigh 373 pounds".
the most important thing for me to say about this is...none of these thoughts come from shame ... but really from a point of walking away from the past...letting go...disassociating myself from who i was to who i am now in this moment in time.
i actually keep forgetting my fat past and can honestly say that i feel "normal" -- like my cousin said to me in january when i saw her: "you are now just like every other suburban mom staring down the barrel of a 40 year old gun...you should go to the gym more, lose 25 pounds and would love a tummy tuck"....
the other major axis shift going on is i actually see the true me in the mirror. i am no longer depending on pictures to see the changes. something in the last couple weeks has either changed in my mind that i actually have to stop myself in front of mirrors and stand in amazement at my profile. even standing naked -- i have been able to see past the skin and my stomach apron and see a very slender silhouette emerging. craaaaaaazy. i can see what everyone else has been telling me. and i am proud and in love with what i see.
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
living somewhere between 196.5 and 202....
so today was my "official" weigh-in day at the surgeon's.... a month ago i set a goal for myself to weigh 198 by today.
because i do not weigh myself at home during the month this is usually a big surprise. i hate surprises. hate them. well... i love surprise parties. what i really hate is being caught off guard by something i may need to emotional fortify myself for...like stepping on the scale.
so....this morning on the way to work i stopped off at Publix (our grocery chain) and stepped on the public scale. it said 198! so i drove to work knowing today's weigh-in will be "ok". i put out of my mind those pesky comments from my therapist about how i should NOT be jumping on the Publix scale because everyone and their mother is on it all day and it can not be accurate and her general feelings about food issues and weighing yourself at the grocery store.
went to work and popped out at 9:30 for my doctor's appointment...stepped on the scale. saw it tally up...167, 184...202 is where it landed. a six pound loss this month which is good. not making my own self-created ambitious goal which is still "ok".
but it was kind of bugging me.... did i meet my goal or not? so i decided on the way back to the office to stop off at a different Publix which was along the way and weigh myself and i would decide then what to think. well....now i am in a pickle...because it did NOT say 198. it did NOT say 202. but it DID say 196.5. LOL. (and, yes, i took a picture of this)... so who knows what i weigh. i will keep with 202 for purposes of tracking on my blog here. but i will also go to bed tonight knowing that by the princess' 6th birthday next week i will sooooooooooooo weigh under 200 pounds. and definitely by my next weigh-in March 3rd
i sent my mom the pic from the scale. she is so excited. i am too.
here is what i do know...i look thinner. i look at myself from the side and i see a really thin person (as long as the skin is tucked in). yesterday i was wearing a big flowy shirt and i still felt thin when i looked in the mirror. also, i was looking at the lane bryant mailing that came in the mail and i could not relate to the size of the models. remember when we used to always complain that the models looked to skinny to shop at lane bryant? now they look to fat to be modeling stuff i would wear. weird. i feel AMAZING. and i weigh less than i did in high school. and by high school i mean probably junior year of high school.
because i do not weigh myself at home during the month this is usually a big surprise. i hate surprises. hate them. well... i love surprise parties. what i really hate is being caught off guard by something i may need to emotional fortify myself for...like stepping on the scale.
so....this morning on the way to work i stopped off at Publix (our grocery chain) and stepped on the public scale. it said 198! so i drove to work knowing today's weigh-in will be "ok". i put out of my mind those pesky comments from my therapist about how i should NOT be jumping on the Publix scale because everyone and their mother is on it all day and it can not be accurate and her general feelings about food issues and weighing yourself at the grocery store.
went to work and popped out at 9:30 for my doctor's appointment...stepped on the scale. saw it tally up...167, 184...202 is where it landed. a six pound loss this month which is good. not making my own self-created ambitious goal which is still "ok".
i sent my mom the pic from the scale. she is so excited. i am too.
here is what i do know...i look thinner. i look at myself from the side and i see a really thin person (as long as the skin is tucked in). yesterday i was wearing a big flowy shirt and i still felt thin when i looked in the mirror. also, i was looking at the lane bryant mailing that came in the mail and i could not relate to the size of the models. remember when we used to always complain that the models looked to skinny to shop at lane bryant? now they look to fat to be modeling stuff i would wear. weird. i feel AMAZING. and i weigh less than i did in high school. and by high school i mean probably junior year of high school.
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