goal!

i finally set a "goal" for myself. this past week was my parent's wedding anniversary. my daughter will be 5 in february. so my parent's gift was a cabin on the disney cruise in february with me and my daughter for her birthday. following me? 2 birds -- one cruise.

my goal is to lose 40 pounds before the cruise. i think it is realistic and i am motivated to achieve it.

i still need to work on my longterm rewards. i know the final reward is a tattoo on my lower back in honor of my daughter. she has a form of spina bifida and lots of scars back there due to two neurosurgeries thus far in her short life! and, no, not a tramp stamp per se. something circular to represent her spina bifida and the circle of life.

i think 100 pounds will be a solo trip somewhere....like a resort or women's cruise.

the nutritionist part 2...

tonight was support group. it is facilitated by the surgeon's wife/nurse/bariatric coordinator -- T. she is amazing. just lovely. direct. smart. up to date on research. kind. tough. by the end of tonight's meeting she had half the group coming into the office this week for adjustments. they really want people to succeed.

so after the meeting i went up to T and asked her if i can vent...so i told her about my morning. the nutritionist is not on her staff. it is a separate office but linked through the hospital network. i told her about the journal, the exercise and the vitamins. she asked me if she could mention our conversation to others. i told her yes and that i am sure monique will know where it came from since i told her off. T asked (with a slight twinkle in her eye i might add) what i said... i told her about the pamphlet and how i told monique she was argumentative. she seemed pleased. T also told me that in the last 6 weeks or so she has heard other complaints. i told her that i wasn't necessarily looking for freebies -- but that the vitamin thing is really bugging me because i want to be successful and i was hoping to get some solutions this morning. at this point it was at least 15 minutes after the meeting ended and T offered for me to go upstairs with her because she had tons of vitamins. 15 minutes later i walked out with bottles of vitamins and 2 dvds to try out for exercise. what an incredible lady. i really wish her and her husband much success.

but wait! there is more! when we went upstairs another lady went with us so she could hop on the scale. there 3 of us were chit chatting and something came up about vegetables. i asked the other patient to give me some ideas for pureed vegetables since she is over a year out and she also has texture issues like me. T is in the supply closet looking for more vitamins and stops what she is doing and says "you can't have vegetables until week 6!" I KNOW i told her...and that is when i told her about monique insisting i have veggies and how they were not even on the sheet she kept pushing towards me. unbelievable, huh?

i am so glad i spoke up about this. cody, you are right...this woman can be scaring off potential patients. and that came up in my conversation with T too. hopefully some changes will come about for everyone's well-being.

thanks for your support and kind words amy, robyn and cody. at the end of the day i didn't know if i was sensitive and crazy or what.....

the nutritionist....dun, dun, dun

so i met with monique (real name, but very white and very small) the nutritionist today. if you ask her how i am doing she would probably tell you that i should be taken to a fat farm, put out to pasture and shot. lol

she is soooooooooooo argumentative and negative. thank god i have been working on getting my head on right lately or else i would have walked out of there and called my mom crying and jumping from the top of the parking garage. instead i called my mom laughing my (fat) ass off.

let's see... when you get there they have you fill out a status check form. you have to rate where you are with following the rules...amount of protein, exercising, vitamins, going slow, etc. you rate them 1 to 5. 5 is the best.

i knew when i was filling out the form not to be honest. i kept telling myself i was asking for trouble. but i read somewhere recently about the importance of being honest with the medical team during this journey so you get the best help possible.

well...let's see....she made a big to-do about me not using their tracking sheets. they are large sheets of paper and poorly copied. and i would have to kill tress and make lots of copies if i were to use them. so carry a small and compact journal with me. "fine! don't use our sheets. but you should know they ask specific information". i pull out my cute little journal to show her the details i keep. which are both the details from the sheet and some extras i made up. she tells me just to read off the protein counts for yesterday. i mention i am also tracking the calories and fat. she wants just the protein. ok, i will admit i think i was very proud of the journal. it is something that i could never do before. i mean, i would do it for a couple days. but not for a month like i have now! and the fact that i am also journaling the time i ate and writing my general disposition or location (hungry, tired, disney, etc) is a big deal to me.

so then she starts adding up my protein for yesterday. i already knew i was at 68. the target is 70. but yesterday i was working hard on avoiding cheese so i was ok with 68. guess what she did? she lectured me on how i needed 70 NOT 68. seriously folks. i fucking suck because i did not have 2 more grams of protein yesterday. she pulled out the example of shakes and said i should get these. i tried to tell her those were the exact ones i use (EAS and Pure Protein) and she looked at me like i was a pathetic liar. then she told me to spread out my protein more evenly throughout the day. if she had taken the time to look at MY journal she would have seen that i even time stamp my food in my journal (you have seen it here on my blog). she just kept going on and on. i tried to get a couple words in. she wouldn't let me. i kind of felt defeated. so i sat back and stopped making eye contact.

i guess my 2 grams of protein deficiency was enough to throw doubt over my ability to manage my program so she starts spitting out quiz questions to me. i am taken off guard.... like what do you eat after proteins? the answer is vegetables but i was a couple seconds slow in my response because i was visualizing the exhibit i had at home AND i am not eating veggies yet so it kind of caught me off guard. so as i am saying "vegetables?" she whips out a copy of the exhibit and says "you need another copy!" i mention i am not eating vegetables yet. she says i should be and whips out another sheet...it is the mushie sheet and sample food list that i follow... NO WHERE ON THERE ARE ANY VEGETABLES MENTIONED. i point that out as a way to say that i didn't realize i could since it is not on the sheet and she just tells me to eat some cooked pureed carrots or canned green beans. i try to engage her and tell her these aren't my thing and i prefer raw vegetables like cucumbers. she tells me i can only have pureed and and with that we are onto the next subject....

exercise... on the form i filled out it asked how much i exercised last week. i wrote 5 hours of walking. she read it out loud and then i literally sat there for about 20 seconds while she looked for something wrong....because you know she already has me pegged for a pathetic liar. but if she looked at my journal she would see the walking (including disney) listed. she said i needed to walk briskly. i said that i did. and as i was saying that i also carry two 3 pound weights she did not hear me because she said that while i should be walking briskly i also needed to warm up and cool down slowly. fine, monique, you got me.

then....my biggest mistake... this is the one that i KNEW i should have lied on...but i really was seeking help.... vitamins. with my gluten issues i have to be careful with processed things like vitamins. i have some gluten free liquid ones but they are not doing it for me. so when she asks me why i put a 3 i told her all this and added that i was actually planning on going shopping tonight while the babysitter was over and figure this out at whole foods. she pulled back into her mental rolodex and lectured me on the importance of vitamins. she stressed the calcium. i told her that was the only one that i was happy with since i found a nice chocolate tasting nugget at whole foods. her response? i should try Tums. WHAT? didn't i say that one worked for me. then followed up with the lecture again about vitamins. at the point i just keep saying "i know, i am going tonight to whole foods" to which she ends the conversation by saying i should go to GNC. gee, thanks for the tip.... you could have helped me think of some solutions.

but wait! there's more! i gave myself 4s on eating slowing and chewing. as i blogged yesterday these are my goals this week. she read these out loud and tells me how important they are. i say i know and that they are my goals right now. she asked me if there was a reason i wasn't just doing these things and stated that i shouldn't have to work too hard on just doing them. thank god i have lost 17 pounds -- because it gave me the ability to bend over in my seat and pick my jaw off the floor. did i hear her right? it must be nice to never struggle with your weight and get to tell fat people that changing how they physically eat should be easy to do.

at this point i am just shut down. and she sees it. so she tried to "comfort" me by saying "i know you are frustrated by your weight loss".... and that, ladies and gentlemen, is where i lost it. just lost it. i told her i was very happy with my weight loss and since she did not have me get on the scale that morning i have no idea what she is implying. she then asked me if i wanted to get on the scale. huh? i told her that i thought she was negative and argumentative. i mentioned to her that there is a pamphlet in HER waiting room about obesity discrimination and how it quotes a study that states that a large number of health care professionals discriminate mentally against fat people and think they are lazy and that SHE may want to read that pamphlet and educate herself. and then i left.

called my mom. she let me vent. and reminded me how nice the other nutritionist was in the hospital. i told my mom that i tried to get an appointment with her but she was not available. we agreed that i will try to see the other one before the end of the year.

i am not upset or anything. the thing is, i walked in there very proud and positive and this lady's negativity got to me but it doesn't undo how far i have come in this journey.

onward and downwards...

tonight is support group. i will probably mention some of this there. i know that the nutritionists pay a visit once a month. i hope it is not tonight and i hope it is not her turn. if it is, i may have to politely excuse myself....

back from disney

we had a really nice time. i went out of my way to walk further whenever i could... ie. not taking the parking lot tram. we picnic'd for every meal except one. i brought cottage cheese cups, egg salad, cheese (must.stop.eating.cheese.) and the ever-present EAS shakes. My daughter was just as happy with her homemade lunches.

on friday night we went to Cap n' Jacks at Downtown Disney. this is a seafood restaurant. thanks to a tip i saw on lapband talk last week i immediately sought out crab cakes. the dish i got had two 4oz (approximate) crab cakes. i ate one and was fine. i had the other for breakfast the next morning.

my ongoing inner dialogue was whether or not i was hungry. at times crazy hungry. at others i felt as satisfied as i did last week. then i start questioning (agian) whether i even have a band. then i worried that i flipped my port. they i worried i may have stretched out my pouch. there is no rational basis for these last two thoughts except that i am chronic worrier and an acute hypochondriac lol.

i did discover that i need to work on the following:

• chewing
• eating slower
• not waiting to feel stuck to realize that i am full
• put my utensil down between bites

lap-band basics, i know. but i struggling with them.

tomorrow i am seeing the nutritionist. she gets on my nerves. she talks in a whisper. also for the pre-op lessons she had it so rehearsed in her head that it was hard to engage her in conversation away from the script in her head and since i had some very specific questions due to my gluten intolerance i left kind of frustrated. we'll see how tomorrow goes.

the picture up top is from this weekend. the princess and i decided to get our hair punked up at the Main Street Barber Shop in the Magic Kingdom.

i am going to hell...do you like my handbasket?

WHY GOD, WHY?

on this lovely and quiet thanksgiving eve...after a lovely and quiet day home from work where i wanted to eat everything in sight...i realized that i am in "bandster hell".*

just what did i do to deserve this? thanksgiving. trip to disney. and i am HUNGRY....

i have been reading online the last hour and found some good advice... that any weight gain or plateau that arises during this time will be null and void in the long run once i am on-track with restriction. i think this is sound and fair advice and i will take it in an effort to stay sane the next TWO weeks until my first fill.

did i mention tomorrow is a eating holiday? did i mention i am going to disney?

* for my non-band friends reading..."bandster hell" is refers to the time after surgery when your stomach is no longer swollen from surgery and you have no restriction in your band...thus leaving you hungry and requiring you to use willpower to control your eating. if i had willpower...would i be here today?

Tall

this one goes out to the one i love.... this one goes out to the one i've left behind... (did you know i used to party with michael stipe in grad school? my major is one of his pet causes...do you know what it is?)

anyhoo...a friend reminded me yesterday of some crappy stuff that happened a couple months ago after she was reading my blog about my changing physical self. so... i work in a pretty intense environment. the politics are raw. i am also the only woman department director amongst 4 other department director. and as one of those guys says lovingly (he is the director of the snl guys i talked about) --->i am also the one with the biggest balls. and of course the size of my balls really plays into the insecurity of a couple of these guys. so they are always looking for ways to undermine me. backstab me. get me out of the picture. so about 4 months ago we got a new executive above us. and as always happens when we get a new boss (we blow thru them, lol), the insecure guys spend the first couple weeks just bad mouthing me. for example, within the new boss' first couple weeks he was telling me that i come across "strong", etc. remember i work with all men. they are strong leaders. i am a bitch. of course, my work always stands for itself and here we are four months later and the only thing that has happened is the new boss has figured out how unproductive the whiners are.

so....in the course of the drama a couple months ago i stopped by human resources to chit chat with a so-called friend. at some point the conversation turned to the rough road i was having and the "issue" of me coming across strong. and very long story short...HR woman thought she was being helpful and proceeded to tell me that i was...Intense, Intimidating and....Tall. TALL? ladies, i am 5'6 1/2". i lie on everything and say i am 5'7". TALL? when she said this she tucked her chin in, lowered her voice and her hands went out to the side. TALL. i smiled. got through the converation and went home and just fell apart both privately and via email with my friends Commando and T Jr.

Of course we all know what Intense, Intimidating and Tall (ITT) mean... Intense = Too Smart For This Place. Intimidating = Too Jewish. and Tall = Fat.Large.Of a Certain Physical Stature.

i was devastated. she left me feeling like if i did not change EVERYTHING about myself i would not survive this new boss. she even suggested that when people come into my office i stay seated behind my desk so i don't overpower them. or when i give presentations i stay seated for the same reason. (and, before you say it...i can't report her. where i work is very unique and the rules of the game (HR) are VERY different).

so i started wearing scarves. lighter colors. pearls. painting my nails light pink. not that there is anything wrong with that... but i am 37. i have a somewhat edgy style and i feel like i have earned the right to be myself and not dress in a way that is not me. my dear friend, T Jr., got me into the mindset that the pearls and scarves are my uniform and it really helped me get through this hump.

so i guess i am wondering what will she say in a year when i am much "shorter"? lol.

ironically, i had to talk to the same HR woman yesterday about an employee and she was just going on and on about all the good stuff she has heard from the new boss about me and how much he likes me. she was saying she was so happy for me and relieved. by the way, i have been wearing more and more of my edgy stuff lately too. lol.

here are too all my TALL-soon-to-be-SHORT friends.... have a great thanksgiving!

more about my pulled boob...

apparently i did not pull my boob... i pulled the muscle under my boob! the discomfort got so bad last night that i went into the surgeon's at noon today and the physician's assistant confirmed that i pulled muscle above my port and my body is freaking out and there is some water collecting between the pull and the port. nothing that won't heal itself. she also recommended i wear some restriction like a girdle or spanx to keep myself together. lol. i thought i was losing weight NOT to wear a girdle!

the added benefit of freaking out over my boob is i got to hop on the scale. 3 pounds down since my appointment last tuesday! i have to say it is so nice to not fear the scale, worry about my clothing weight or the amount of water retention i have going on....

i ran into Avenue (plus size clothes) tonight to pick up a girdle tank top thingy for our trip to disney this week. on one hand it was very hard to be in there and not look at or buy clothes. on the other hand it was great to know that i am "good" on clothes for about 30 more pounds.

i came out about the surgery to "the guys" at work today. these guys all work in my department's counterpart department.... and they are guy's guys. they are often saturday night live skits of themselves. so we have been having candy wars between the offices since halloween. we keep passing this big plastic pumpkin full of candy back in forth between the offices in an effort to get it away from our respective departments. so today i went into the guy's space and said that they needed to stop derailing my weight loss efforts. one of the guys asked me what my weight loss plan was --- and as casual as can be i said "well, i had weight loss surgery two weeks ago for starters".... they were all very supportive and pleased to hear about my decision. the administrative assistant, who is new and i don't know very well, seemed to be very knowledgeable about it. she is a young girl and stick thin... i am curious about her knowledge but will talk to her more when the "guys" are not around.

i also got my first "are you losing weight?/you are looking good" comment today! i realized later on the way home i was so excited about the comment and saying thank you that i didn't mention the surgery. lol.

one more day of work (tomorrow) and then i am off on wednesday. thursday is thanksgiving lunch at my mom's and then the princess and i will do a couple days in disney. we have not been since mid-september and has been too long!

thoughts about my daughter

i have noticed that i have become even more obsessive about my daughter's food intake since starting this journey.

since she was born i have been really committed to raising her on organic milk, whole foods and very little refined sugar to the best of my ability. but now.... i am watching her portions. not indulging her on second servings of ketchup, for example.

i know that i need to keep my behavior in check so i don't cause an eating disorder down the road.

i am rationalizing all this by telling myself that with this new lifestyle i can model good behavior and incorporate it into our lives....but honestly, i don't want to be my mom one day and watch my adult daughter take a surgical risk to correct something so out of control.

i will be at a healthy weight within 2 years. my daughter will be 5 in february. therefore, in theory, she will have very little recollection of a morbidly obese mother.

but honestly, it will kill me if she ever gets like me. i know that is horrible to say.... but it will. she has always been underweight and is now at a perfect healthy weight for her age. she wasn't even a chubby baby. i want to do everything in my power to make sure that nurture overrides nature on this issue.

sigh. i know i am rambling...but i have wanted to get this down on paper (so to speak) for about a week now. i am sure i will revisit these thoughts here now that i have opened the floodgate.

anyone having any similiar feelings?

coming out of the closet

today i am going to pull all of the 30/32s tops out of my closet. i know that this may be a little ambitious but i know the 26/28s are getting more comfortable too.

i know there are clothing exchanges but we have a plus size consignment close by and i love to clothing shop. so i am planning on consigning my stuff so i can shop off the proceeds. my plan is to *have to* take the 30/32s in for consignment before the end of the year.

my closet is a mess (it is small and a weird shape) and it has neeeded a good emptying out for a long time. i am envisioning an empty closet as part of this weight loss process that i can slowly refill.

the good thing is i have a lot of work/logo shirts that are too tight on me (the company we order from only go up to 2x) that i can use to tie me over at work between 30/32 and 22/24. That is my goal. To not go clothes crazy until I am down at least 75 pounds. The only thing I will need to fill in is weekend shirts and pants.

i need to whine.....i think i pulled a muscle in my boob. i am serious. about 4 inches above my port and at the base of my boob it hurts. like pulled muscle hurts. i have no idea how this happened. the good news is that my port area has finally stopped being sore.

yesterday my sinuses were draining like a mother fucker. last night i was coughing all night as a result. today i am crazy tired and have no voice.

apparently i was banded...

where to start....the last 24 hours has had a lot of band ups and downs...

i am sad and ashamed to say that yesterday -- 10 days post-op -- i overate, ate something i shouldn't have and vomited/slimed/pb'd. i am not sure what happened. i have been dreaming of MEAT. and since i am not into boys, i mean the cow variety....lol. so anyways i defrosted 3 turkey meatballs. i thought if i just chewed, chewed, chewed. i would be ok. nope. 2 meatballs down and i realized i would not have to wait one month post-op to know what "being stuck" felt like. i tried to walk around the house. put my arms in the air. and when the big angry burp came i just went into the bathroom and waited. i can not puke in a toilet. the idea just does me in. so i stood in the shower and waited. and it came. all of the meat, foam and that is pretty much it. i am not too worried about band slippage because there was no stomach contractions or gagging. and i have been fine today.

i am not trying to justify what happened...but, honestly, up until that moment in the shower, i was starting to doubt there was a band in there. i know that sounds silly. but it is true.

so i got sick. i sucked on some popsicle to cool my throat and went to bed. i woke up today back on track. i had a protein shake for breakfast. lunch was business and out and remote so i had beans (the soft light brown kind -- refried?) with a little cheese to help me get past the taste. that was a MAJOR accomplishment for me even without last night because we were at my favorite authentic mexican restaurant where i usually get this wonderful dish called a Botana (nachos with cheese, topped with salad, topped with guacamole, topped with skirt steak, topped with a quesadilla). had a shake late this afternoon and a little tomato soup for dinner. and water, water, water all day.

after lunch i had a meeting with a constituent for the government entity i work for. his wife and i are friendly and former co-workers so we met at their house. we were talking business and then at the end i told them about my surgery. the man struggles with his weight and was asking me about the lap band. he thought that the port was on the outside (like an insulin pump) so here i am at a "business meeting" and i turn to his wife and ask her if i can lift my shirt up for her husband...lol... she said yes and i showed him my port scar. i am not sure if it was a high-point or low-point in my career... but the fact that his wife told me how proud of me she was for getting the surgery makes it a high-point in my lap band journey.

that has been a common response from people...."i am so proud of you...." i think it is an interesting response and i am kind of curious to know why *that* of all things is the first thing some people have said to me.

and finally, i was at my parents earlier and jumped on their Wii fit and found out i have lost 7.5 pounds since last friday. yay me.

this post has been brought to you courtesy of Commando's constant nagging....

new body. new eating style. new car.

oops. excuse me.

i am gassy. let's just get that out of the way. i am like what this jewish girl can only imagine it is like to find-an-easter-egg-behind-the-sofa-in-july-gassy.

moving on.... i had my first post-op (8 days) appointment today. things are going great. my first fill is scheduled for december 8th. i am pretty excited and hope it goes well since i am flying december 11th.

since october 20th I have lost 14 pounds! not bad and i will take it. yesterday i decided to throw out the home scale. i got on in the morning and i was 292. then immediately after that i was 294. and immediately after that i was 286. that is just cruel and unnecessary punishment. so the scale is out in the trash. i will now only rely on the doctor's scale and the Wii fit at my parents house in between doctor visits for progress checks.

i like the idea of just doing monthly weigh-ins. 14 pounds a month is much more gratifying to me than 2 pounds here and there.

i am now officially on mushies... cottage cheese, egg salad, pureed beans, etc. yay.

today i felt "skinny". my clothes were loose and i felt good. my face has definitely thinned out and i think people are starting to notice, but just aren't sure "what" it is.


today and yesterday i got in 30 minutes of walking at lunch. yay me.

kumbaya

i attended the support group sponsored by my physician tonight. there were about 10 people there and i was very surprised that i was one of only two new bandsters. the other new person was from august -- so not even that new. i was hoping that there would be real live people to share this journey with weekly and step by step.

some were at goal/maintenance and others were not. most were more than a year out from their surgery. based on their observations and comments you can see that attitude has a lot to do with success.

it was a nice group. i walked out with a couple ladies and they were very encouraging. one had me feel her port (lol) and the other gave me a can of tasteless protein for me to add to my food to get my protein counts up.

the group is moderated by the surgeon's wife who is an RN and bariatric coordinator. she is very cool. she also mentioned that i may be able to move away from soups to cottage cheese, egg salad and hummus in order to get me away from the gluten world of soups. i am seeing the surgeon tomorrow anyways, so i will confirm with him. YAY!

food diary 11-15-09

Pure Protein Cookies and Cream Shake 110 C 2 F 22 P
Skim Milk 90 C 0 F 9 P
Creamy Potato Soup 150 C 3.5 F 2 P
melted cheese in soup 110 C 9 F 7 P
EAS Shake 110 C 3 F 17 P
Popsicle 20 C 0 F 0 P
Creamy Potato Soup 150 C 3.5 F 2 P
melted cheese in soup 110 C 9 F 7 P

Total: 850 Calories 30 Fat 66 Protein

checking in...

i saw my real life friend, let's call her Commando, today... she asked for more blog updates. everything is going well. i am back from tampa and just trying to rest and focus on getting my liquids in. yesterday i did not urinate much and i know that is not a good thing.

i have been really taking advantage of the great south florida weather (75 and sunny) and spending a lot of time napping on my patio.

i have been food logging but my journal is downstairs. so i will do that soon.

surgically, i am still sore. but really no problems with the band. just trying to remember to drink slow, because it does take a while to go down. and that is why i think i am having trouble with the liquid intake. pre-band, i could gulp a bottle of water down in minutes. now it takes hours. my advice to the pre-op people is to practice NOW sipping. force yourself to take an hour to finish a bottle of water. it will be easier for you on the flip side....

food diary 11-12-09

surgery was monday. today is thursday -- is that four days post-op?

all is well. i am on a business trip. taking it slow. now that i have had the surgery my plan for telling people has changed. i am telling co-workers left and right. i was faced with breakfast, lunch and dinner throughout the meetings today. it made it easier to excuse myself when necessary by being honest. great reactions all the way around.

i am in a lot of pain. but it is just surgical pain. my entire gut area is sore. i still feel like i did 100 sit-ups and was punched in the gut.

food today:

6:30AM - 9:30AM-- EAS Shake 110 Cals. 3 Fat 17 Protein
12:30PM -- 1/4 cup grits and hot tea (it was that or beef barley soup and i am allergic to barley (gluten))
5:00PM - 7:45PM 11:30AM -- EAS Shake 110 Cals. 3 Fat 17 Protein

i am not sure if i understand this restriction thing. everything is going down well. i am just burpy but i think that is still surgical gas. luckily i have no shoulder gas pain.

i plan to catch up on all the blogs and boards tomorrow night. right now i just want to take advantage of this quiet hotel room.

good night. skinny dreams.

getting back in the saddle

feeling good today. i went out this morning for a manicure and pedicure. that wiped me out. came home, took some pain meds and napped for 2 hours and that seems to have helped. heating up some broth right now but i am not really hungry.

my life has been a little off-kilter since mid-september. on sept 14th the princess and i were on our way out of town for a week vacation of disney and a disney cruise. the princess was born with a minor form of spina bifida and had major neurosurgery when she was 3 months old. this summer she was a having a lot of issues with leg/back pain, stamina, peeing and pooping. all signs pointed to spina bifida but we were getting that conclusion from her neurosurgeon. so long story short, on our way out of town (literally) for vacation we saw another neurosurgeon who concluded that not only was she having spina bifida issues, but it was kind of a stat. so upon return from vacation she had neurosurgery again and was on bed rest for one month. last week before my surgery was my first week back at work fulltime since mid-september.

all this leads to tomorrow...in my absence i missed two major meetings in tampa for work. tampa is about 4 hours away by car. tomorrow is the next tampa meeting and i HAVE to be there. so my dad will be driving over with me tomorrow morning to make sure i get there safely and as comfortably as possible. friday we will drive back home.

i know it sounds nuts to do a 4 hour road trip for work 4 days after surgery, but it is a major part of my job and i have no choice. fortunately the two meetings going on are fairly short and i can just sit back except for my brief presentations. and in between the meetings i can take pain meds and go lay down at the hotel.

i can also start full liquids tomorrow. right now my major goal will be to get my protein shakes in while we are away and let the creamy soups, puddings, etc wait until we get back.

the princess and i will be going over to my parents soon so we can spend the night there before mine and dad's early start tomorrow.

i love free stuff!

the nutritionist gave me this while i was waiting to go into surgery. not sure if will put it on my key ring --- but definitely keep it in my wallet. i can't even imagine at this point going out to eat for a real meal....

does this hospital gown make my butt look big?

i did it! i am officially banded! my surgery was a couple hours dealyed (i was number 3) but went off without a hitch. as i mentioned before i was not planning on staying the night but i had some major discomfort with the pain and gas after surgery so around 9PM i asked to stay. amazingly, by the time i got to my private room i was much more comfortable. i really think the chaos of the recovery room made it hard for me to relax my body. i even tried meditating. there was the guy on my right screaming he was dead. when he was told he was not dead and we were all here with him he yelled "well then we are all dead"! and you had the lady on my left mooing and bleating. i was discharged this morning.

i can not enough about Dr. Thomas Bass and his team. they are so thorough. nice. caring. if you are in south florida, i recommend at least giving them a looky-loo.

i have 3 incisions. the port on the left, a small one on the right -- both of these between my boobs and waist line. and one small one in my belly button. no hernia.

my mom was there with me and she was such an amazing support. the last thing she said to me before i went in for surgery was "i really am so proud of you". that means so much to me.

i know there have been some discussions about this at lapband talk -- but i can not stress how much support i am getting from everyone i tell. even as we were walking into the hospital i ran into a good friend's mom and she too was so excited for me. i have to say -- it is almost like i hear a sigh of relief when i tell people about my decision. i feel bad that my weight had been something of a concern for so many people.

i am on clear liquids for today and tomorrow and i am kind of weak. since last night i have had only ice pops, hot tea, jell-o and a little broth at the hospital. however, i did just nap for two hours after taking some pain killer and i did wake up wanting "something"....so will have some broth.

didn't wake up with a skinny body....but i did wake up with a skinny mind. healthy weight here i come!

feel free to ask me any questions....

patients require patience... just sayin

tick tock.

waiting. waiting. waiting. as soon as i am done on the computer paying bills i will take my shower and hopefully my mom will be here soon after that. i am ready to go.....

day of surgery weight:

food diary 11-08-09

broth, jello, broth, jello. you get the idea....

have a massive headache and feel weak. trying to trick the princess into going to bed early so i can zonk out. thank god for the recent time change making it dark early!

my bags are packed and i am ready to go....mom is coming by at 10AM to get me. i am about 35 minutes from the hospital. i really really really want to come home tomorrow and be here alone. my plan is to come home and walk walk walk that gas out of me. i think that is the only thing i am worried about.

got great feedback from great aunts and a great uncle today. good stuff.

food diary 11-07-09

wasn't really hungry today. no real exercise but did garden and clean down the patio. also did a couple leisurely laps around the dog park with the dog and princess.

11:30AM -- EAS Shake 110 Cals. 3 Fat 17 Protein

1:30PM -- Pure Protein Banana Shake (still yuck) 150 Cals. 1 Fat 35 Protein

3:30PM -- Cheese grits 100 Cals. 1.5 Fat 3 Protein

7:30PM -- Potato Leek Soup w/ ground up chicken 250 Cals 6 Fat 13 Protein

10:30PM -- 1/4 cup choc pudding ????

Totals: 610 Calories 11.5 Fat 68 Protein

lazy saturday

i told my uncle today that i was having surgery on monday. his response? "oh sweetie, i am so happy. we want you around for a long time". wasn't that great? and this is my doom and gloom uncle. he went to talk about how his recent gal pal had surgery and fucked it up and he knows i am going to be successful because he knows i want it and i am committed.

it was a really nice conversation.

spent a lot of time today resting. for other reasons this past week was my first week back at work fulltime since mid-september. i was worn out. i also did some yard work and scrubbed down the patio and the patio furniture.

the scales of injustice

i guess i should be happy that the scale says 299 and i am under 300...but this whole scale thing is kind of bothering me.... i have had this problem in the past....especially when i was a member of the Scale Watchers/Welcome to Eating Disorder World Cult (I mean Weight Watchers -- but that rant is for another day).

i also remember blogging once after hitting this exact same milestone that i would never weigh over 300 again. HA! even with the help of the lap-band...i am bitter and jaded enough right now not to say that again. maybe in a couple months after bandster hell. but not today. trying to stay realistic about this.

i wish they would invent a network of satellite controlled scales (note: must talk to the rocket scientist i know) -- because there is nothing more crushing than leaving your house thinking you have a 2 1/2 pound loss to get to the Cult and see you had an 0.8 pound gain.

so i think for this final journey into weight loss i am just going to "be" with the scale issue. i will use my own scale to chart my progress and let the doctor use his own scale to chart my progress in his office.

also, i will use my clothes as an indicator. and since my favorite jeans were hula-hooping around my waist all day yesterday i will take this 299 and celebrate. and by celebrate i don't mean going out to eat at the sushi buffet like i would after Cult meetings...

later today i am going to work on my goals/prizes list.

(check out my halloween themed toes!)

food diary -- 11-06-09

picked up my gas-x strips and heating pads today. i think i am ready for post-op.

I also found out what time i need to be at the hospital on monday -- 11AM!!!!

8:00AM -- EAS Shake 110 Cals. 3 Fat 17 Protein

9:30AM -- Gluten Free (GF) Hot Cereal 145 Cals. 3 Fat 6 Protein

12:30PM --Tomato Soup 260 Cals. 1 Fat 8 Protein

3:30PM -- Fat Free Milk 180 Cals. 5 Fat 18 Protein
Cookies and Cream Shake 110 Cals. 2 Fat 22 Protein

6:30PM -- Cream of Musroom Soup 240 Cals. 16 Fat 4 Protein
Slivers of chicken (for more protein and taste) 100 Cals. 1.5 Fat 19 Protein

9:00 PM -- Cheese grits 140 Cals. 2.5 Fat 6 Protein (gotta stop the late night eating)

TOTALS: 1285 Cals. 34Fat 100 Protein

the babbling bandster had me thinking about "how i got here" today...

here i am at my heaviest...373 pounds... 4 1/2 years ago....

right before major weight watchers attempt in 2006

after a liquid diet in 2007

and here i am "skinny" in 1993 -- just around 200 pounds. and i let it slip away..... i wish i knew then what i knew now.... and to think i was hiding from the camera in this picture. ugh....

tell me lies, tell me lies, tell me sweet little lies....

my job requires a lot of road time, often alone, in the car. so i have been thinking a lot about next monday and the future beyond that. lately my thoughts wander to "what to tell people"...

i think i have it figured out... here is my plan:

work -- besides the 2 co-workers and 2 citizens that know... i am going the star jones route and saying "diet and pilates". literally. if people can figure it out from there -- good for them. if not, maybe they should read more gossip magazines. lol.

family -- close and extended -- i will tell. either in phone conversation or in person when i see them when it comes up. i need their support as our family is based around food culture. i also want them to celebrate with me. our extended family is interesting... we have a lot of people who can maintain healthy weight and we have a lot who are can not. i am by far the largest person in our family right now. that sucks.

friends and social acquaintances -- i will be honest as the subject arises. some friends know and i can not expect them to be the keeper of a lie on my behalf.

i am looking forward to the future...maybe in 5 years when this is under control and i change jobs, meet new people through my daughter's activities or whatever and my weight and weight-loss will be a non-issue.

in the past i have always been uncomfortable when people comment on my weight-loss. i need to get over that NOW.

food diary 11-05-09

9:15AM -- EAS Shake 110 Cals. 3 Fat 17 Protein

1:30PM -- Tomato Soup 220 Cals. 7 Fat 5 Protein
Vanilla Pudding 70 Cals. 0 Fat 0 Protein

3:30PM -- Cookies and Cream Shake 110 Cals. 2 Fat 22 Protein
Skim Milk 180 Cals. 0 Fat 18 Protein

6:30PM -- GLUTEN FREE Creamy Chicken Soup 220 Cals. 12 Fat 6 Protein
Cheese melted in soup 40 Cals. 3 Fat 4 Protein

Totals: 950 Cals. 27 Fat 72 Protein

Walked 45 minutes at lunch!!!!!

food diary 11-04-09

8:15AM -- GF Cereal 145 Cals. 3 Fat 6 Protein

10:30AM -- Reduced Fat Milk 130 Cals. 5 Fat 9 Protein

Cookies and Cream Shake 110 Cals. 2 Fat 22 Protein

12:30PM -- Chili's Enchilada Soup without toppings 200 Cals. 10 Fat 10 Protein

2:30PM -- Reduced Fat Milk 130 Cals. 5 Fat 9 Protein
Juice Plus Choc Shake 110 Cals. 1 Fat 13 Protein

5:30PM -- EAS Shake 110 Cals. 3 Fat 17 Protein

8:30PM -- Cheese and Broccoli soup 200 Cals 9 Fat 4 Protein

Totals: 1135 Cals. 38 Fat 90 Protein

i have to spend time tomorrow getting creamy gluten free soup. this stuff i am eating is causing me such heartburn. and i don't want heartburn while dealing with the gas pain in my shoulder post-op.

fo real, fo real

this is really happening.... got my insurance authrorization today! it took just one day and i give my surgeon's office the credit for that since they are very thorough and organized.

i also had my pre-op exam at the primary and an ekg.

finally got to whole foods and picked up my post-op liquid vitamins.

in five days. in five days.......

food diary 11-03-09

my daily protein goal is 70-80 grams. i am not sure if i have a maximum caloric intake. but i seem to be within a good range. i am hungry tonight. i am also exhausted.

8:15AM -- Cheese flavored grits 100 Cals. 1.5 Fat 3 Protein

10:30AM -- Reduced Fat Milk 260 Cals. 10 Fat 18 Protein

11:30AM -- Greek Yogurt w/Honey (so-so) 40 Cals. 0 Fat 4 Protein

12:30PM -- Tomato Soup w/flavoring 220 Cals. 7 Fat 5 Protein

SF Jell-o 10 Cals. 0 Fat 1 Protein

3:30PM -- Cream of Chicken/Mushroom Soup 260 Cals. 10 Fat 18 Protein

5:30PM -- Publix LF Yogurt 90 Cals 0 Fat 7 Protein

7:00PM -- EAS Shake 110 Cals. 3 Fat 17 Protein

Totals: 1090 Cals. 31.5 Fat 73 Protein

ugh. just ugh.

so i made some calls this morning and long frustrating story short...my surgeon has not submitted any paperwork yet for insurance approval. my surgery is monday!!!! turns out they were waiting on one more form from my primary doctor. and *that* office has really disappointed me. big time. every step of the way they have been a hold-up. this form has to do with my medical history and is a supplement to the letter it took them forever to write. but they were trying to say they could not do it until my pre-op physical... which is tomorrow at 5:30. which means the surgeon would not get the form until thursday which means that the insurance conversation would not even start until thursday for a surgery on the following monday! argh.

the irony in all this is the amount of time i have spent on hold with the primary office listening to the damn recording that says -- "our practice is pleased to be a patient-centered facility which means that our patients come first with an emphasis on customer service"... HA!

this is really stressing me out. i hate paperwork. i hate dealing with unqualified customer service people. i will be reaching out to the head of the primary firm once i have my insurance approval in my hand and letting them know how they have failed me.

this is the second primary doctor's office in the last 5 years that i have seen gone from family and small into a big ass botox-pushing factory. it sucks.

the good news is the a/c was an easy fix. the repairman was not only on time he was here early and had to wait for me.

starting my food diary....

today was a busy lap-band day...

i had my preadmission appointment at the hospital. they still had not received the insurance authorization from the doctor. they said they would follow-up on it so i am not going to worry too much. well, maybe a little. i emailed the insurance coordinator at the surgeon's office and asked her what the status was and have not gotten a reply yet.... i will call her tomorrow.

after work i had my pre-op blood drawn.

i also started my official pre-op liquid diet.

Here is my intake for today:

8:30AM -- Gluten Free (GF) Hot Cereal 145 Cals. 3 Fat 6 Protein

12:30PM -- EAS Shake 110 Cals. 3 Fat 17 Protein

1:30PM -- Tomato Soup 190 Cals. 4 Fat 4 Protein

Sugar Free (SF) Jell-o 10 Cals. 0 Fat 1 Protein

3:30PM -- EAS Shake 110 Cals. 3 Fat 17 Protein

5:30PM -- Cream of Chicken Soup 175 Cals. 6 Fat 5 Protein

7:00 PM -- Pure Protein Banana Shake (yuck) 150 Cals. 1 Fat 35 Protein

8:40 PM -- Bacon flavored grits 100 Cals. .5 Fat 3 Protein

Totals: 990 Cals. 20.5 Fat 88 Protein

And.....drum roll please...... i walked for 40 minutes at lunch. in 88 degree heat.

that's it for me today. our a/c broke and it is just miserable and humid out (for november!!!).... so i am going to go to bed. tomorrow will be the big challenge. i have to travel for work with my employees. we will most likely go out to eat due to our remote location. let's hope for some good soup on the menu! and let's hope even more for my ability to control myself since we will most likely be at my favorite mexican restaurant -- and i need to avoid the chips and salsa....

just creamy....

spent some time on the soup aisle... did you know there is creamy cheddar cheese soup? cream of chicken and mushroom in one can? fiesta nacho cheese soup? um, what about cream of shrimp (!)? i did not. so i loaded up these finds and some others such as potato leek, cream of chicken and creamy tomato. i know i am supposed to be targeting low fat cream soups, but i did grab some of the other ones in order to avoid grabbing that cheese that keeps calling my name from the refrigerator....

just because it makes me dance in my seat...

Pre-Pre-Op Liquid Diet

last night i partook in a different kind of liquid diet.... a halloween bash with the girls. quietly it was my last hurrah for a while. party started around 8PM and i left the host's house at 8:30 AM this morning... nice.... no drama. but fun. it is probably the first halloween party i have been at where almost everyone wore not just a costume, but a good and thoughtful costume. lots of fun.

tomorrow starts my pre-op diet. i am limited to creamy soups, jello-o, broth, pudding, thin grits and oatmeal, etc. i plan to "get through" lunch at work tomorrow by eating my soup and jello and going for a power walk with either my co-worker or my ipod. now if the temperature can be under 90 for this midday walk -- i will be golden.

i also plan to start posting my daily food journal on this blog tomorrow. let's see how long that lasts....