get your kicks....on route 66...

66 pounds lost since surgery that is... yay! had my monthly post-surgery checkup today and i weighed in at 246. that is 127 pounds lost from my highest known weight.

ok. long pause.

246.

i, heidi, weigh two hundred and forty fucking something pounds that is sooooooooo skinny. lol ok. to me it is. lol.

here is my monthly recap:

pre-op -14 pounds
month 1 -8 pounds
month 2 -8 pounds
month 3 -10 pounds
month 4 -14 pounds (this was actually 6 weeks)
month 5 -12 pounds (this was actually 6 weeks)

i did not take a fill and i think at 7.25cc i am at my sweet spot.

ya know, it was kind of emotional for me today. i am used to my whole life crying in front of scales because of the number being displayed. in the past it was because i was frustrated with my body and the "gods" and really what it was...anger. i would cry because i was so mad at myself for not following the program and expecting success.

today i cried. big ole emotional sobs. it was like a floodgate. (damn, the tears are starting again). it was not a cry from a place of anger or frustration. it was, and is, complete joy. an overwhelming sense of accomplishment that at times is scary. seriously. if i can do *this* after so many times failing, what else can i do? and not just the things i failed at -- but the big things not tied to weight i never tried because i was scare of failure.

speaking of big things...i am 100% focused on my September 2011 climb of Kilimanjaro. i think i finally found something to motivate me to get out there and exercise. since this past saturday i have walked at a minimum 1.5 miles. i have walked to target, to get my nails done, to dinner before support group, etc etc etc. last night i walked on the soft sand on the beach for an hour. i even went to a bicycle shop and i think i have narrowed down my choices and will be making a purchase this week for a new bike.

i have tons of updated pictures to post and hope to get to that in the next couple days.

the truth about chicago...

fine. i will admit it.  i am not going to chicago because Tracey warned me that if i touched his woman he would hunt me down and hurt me and i know deep down in my heart i will not be able to resist the charm and hotness we all know as amy w and likewise her inner lesbian will be overwhelmed with the sight of my skinny bitch self....

what tracey fails to realize that i am 9 hours and 31 minutes and a pair of astronaut diapers (florida humor) away from getting "what" i want...

actually...i am sparing you all a weekend of dealing with both mine and amy's narcissism....it is hard enough to be in a room with one person who thinks everyone wants to sleep with them...imagine the two of us in one hotel at the same time.....

Chicago -- No Dice

so...it has been a busy week at work and in life in general. 

because i am a solo-parent, all my independent travel depends on my parents' ability to watch the princess.  it usually works out.  ironically, they have a professional event in the keys the same weekend of the BOOBS chicago trip...while i can scramble and take my babysitter or a friend to chicago with me to watch the princess, i have decided not to.  i have talked about some road trips with my good friends and we have decided to go to vegas the first weekend in october (the week after BOOBS).    it will also be right around that time that i will hit my 100 post-surgery weight loss.   one of my goals has always been to go on some kind of trip to celebrate 100 pounds.  i am going to make this vegas trip that trip.

sorry to back out of chicago, but i am looking forward to hearing all about it!

in other news...some how, these same friends has talked me into climbing kilimanjaro.   our traget date is september 2011.  16 months away.   we have started "talking" about our training plan.  lol..   honestly, this in not something i have ever thought about but i am really excited now about the idea.  stay tuned for out upcoming blog about our adventures...

i am going to wrap this up and go run some errands.  there is a fundraiser down the street for a little girl in our town who got beat up (REALLY bad) by a boy --- so I want to stop by there...i am out of my shakes so i need to pick those up...and as long as it does not rain my plan is to walk the 0.8 mile up to get my nails done... and then it is South Beach tonight....woohoo.

The N-Word Post...

Ok…so here it goes….the narcissism post.

Some ground rules…I am going to admit some things here that may be related to my relationships with people who I know in real life and read this blog as well as blog friends. Nothing I post is specific to any individual nor is it being said or intended in any way to hurt you. It is all about ME ME ME… I ask those of you who know me in real life to be gentle with the “n-word” as we go through real life together. I know “what“ I am and I am slowly adjusting. Please don’t attribute the “n-word” to me in our conversations or in reference to me to other people we know. (ps. My therapist also thinks I am a control freak…ya think?)

Like I said, I know “what” I am. And while I know some of the narcissist traits may need to change…some are a big part of the Heidi you know and love. And in addition to losing a whole person in body mass…it is really hard to adjust to the fact that I may lose a large part of the only personality I have ever had.

A couple months ago I went to wine party (rolling, rolling, rolling on the river). I felt it was pretty lame and boring. I mentioned that fact on the phone to my mom the next day and she said it was because I was not the center of attention. I got pissed at her. But I realize now, that may be partially true. I walk into every room thinking “look at me. You all want to know me. Shit, you all want to fuck me”. (ok, admit it real life friends…you really do want to fuck me…lol).

I am very proud of my professional achievements. However, I did not get where I am by being well liked. I have been called intense and intimidating. The word “bulldozer” has been attributed to me more than once in professional settings. Really, at the end of day, how proud can I be of what I accomplished if I bullied my way into it?

Early on in my sessions my therapist identified me as narcissist. Immediately I had images of vanity smurf in my head. He was always my favorite, ironically....(right after that hot bitch smurfette…). But as we have gone deeper into our discussions I can see what she is saying…sigh.

So, Mayo Clinic defines narcissistic personality disorder as including some of the following symptoms:

• Believing that you're better than others
• Fantasizing about power, success and attractiveness
• Exaggerating your achievements or talents
• Expecting constant praise and admiration
• Believing that you're special and acting accordingly
• Failing to recognize other people's emotions and feelings
• Expecting others to go along with your ideas and plans
• Taking advantage of others
• Expressing disdain for those you feel are inferior
• Being jealous of others
• Believing that others are jealous of you
• Trouble keeping healthy relationships
• Setting unrealistic goals
• Being easily hurt and rejected
• Having a fragile self-esteem
• Appearing as tough-minded or unemotional 

I can pretty much related to.every.single.item on this list.

So how does this relate to obesity? Well…as a narcissist the rules do not apply to me. As a narcissist, I can be morbidly obese because I am smarter than doctors and can beat the odds. My obesity also served as great armor for my “fragile self-esteem” and allowed me to appear as “tough-minded”.

How does it relate to my weight-loss. Well…sigh…ok, here it goes…I admitted to my therapist that when I read other people’s blogs I am constantly running the numbers in my head. Comparing their weight loss to mine. “I have lost 56 pounds in 5 months….they lost x-amount in blank months…I am so ahead of them in my averages…I rock”. <<<<< yes, I am ashamed to admit, that is my inner dialogue. (please someone chime in here and save my “fragile self-esteem” and say they do the same thing…) In my defense, since I talked to my therapist about this specific issue a couple weeks ago and she told me to STOP I really have regulated my thoughts when reading other blogs.

Tonight is the first time I will be at support group in three weeks due to travel and other obligations. I am dreading it…only for one reason…I know there will be new people there who have been bonding with MY support group friends for 3 weeks without me. But more to the point, and what my therapist painfully pulled out of me….i am dreading these new people because my inner dialogue when I walk into the room tonight will be “you have no fucking clue WHO I am…..”. my therapeutic challenge tonight is sit back and observe and participate and not dominate the group. ACK!!!!!!! That is all I know how to do…is dominate groups, people, events, and on and on and on.

I want to change. I want to learn how to have all kinds of “healthy relationships”. I want to be someone people genuinely like and not someone they go along with out of intimidation.

I don’t want to be so arrogant in dealing with people that I embarrass my daughter or make life harder for her. Do you know how many times in the last 5 years of her life that kid has heard mommy refer to somebody as a dumbass - -because mommy did not get her way?

I want to be in love and in a healthy relationship (this will be addressed more in the 3rd of the trifecta issues post…living in the middle). I want to – for the first time in my 37 years of life – create lasting relationships with friends and lovers. I have put a lot of energy in the last year of joining and participating in an amazing women’s social community. That alone is a big step for me. Previously, I never get too involved with things because I end up getting frustrated and leaving. And this girl has never left any situation gracefully…nope--- that inner narcissist dialogue is saying “fuck them. They don’t deserve me. I am so fucking better than this….”. but not this time. I have met some amazing people and I don’t ever want to leave the community nor do I want my narcissism to ever hurt this people I have come to genuinely care about.

{ok, pissing in my pants here…literally as I am writing this above paragraph the following email dialogue takes place….it is about a party this weekend:

Jr.: Many more (and worse!) photos on the way!

Me: where are they?????????? i want to see them NOW!!!!!

Commando: rut ro.....thus spoke heidi, you better get those pictures posted, or feel the wrath!

rflmao…if that email exchange does not sum up my personality and how my friends perceive me…I don’t know what does…..i am so lucky that these women love my bossy, bitchy holier than thou skinny ass}

So my challenge in life right now is learning to dial back some of my personality…but not just externally what people see…I need to dial back and change how I look at the world and those around me -- my internal personality. Being “right” and “better than others” for all these years only got me to 373 pounds and a long history of hurting people. I am so fucking done with that. But at the same time it is a balance…I think there is some truth in the saying “fake it until you make it”. Thinking I can lose weight and That I will be successful and “Fantasizing about my success and attractiveness” is just as important to my personality right now as learning how not to be judgmental…

So there you have it….i truly am interested in hearing what you all have to say and your experiences with this. <<<< and no, my therapist did NOT make me write that! lol

my trifecta of issues...

so...long time no post. i have been gradually getting back to work, home and social life since returning from new orleans. busy weekend here. tonight i am going to a party with a "gender bender" theme. i am going as an 80s prom girl. i know my outfit has nothing to do with bending gender...but it is what i *want* to wear! lol.

i have really been working hard in therapy tackling my issues. it seems like there are 3 major themes that have floating to the top...my food addiction....my narcissism....and my "all or nothing" mindset -- and where all of these issues stem from.... i plan to explore these each separately in my blog. today i will talk about food addiction.

up until this past wednesday i wasn't really convinced that i really was a food addict. i could maybe admit i was a binge eater...but addict...wasn't so sure...but then i after being away from home for almost a week i opened the freezer and saw that it was packed...i mean PACKED... to the gills with food. multiple boxes and bags of the same kind of food. and it hit me... i am a food hoarder. oh.my.god. it was scary. standing there having this realization. just like a drug addiction i am always planning for the next fix. should have gotten the damn band on my brain and not stomach....

multiple bags of costco salmon. two big costco bags of meatballs. THREE boxes of my daughter's organic chicken nuggets. two boxes of small frozen quiches. and it goes on and on and on.

it is only the princess and me in the house. we both eat basically the same amount of food. and as you know, it is not that large of quantity we consume. but standing there i realized that i have been systematically stocking up on food since i had the surgery. just like a hoarder you see on TV hoarding "things" to fill a void...i am hoarding food to fill a void.... what is that void? i don't know yet. we have talked about a couple things in therapy.... but i am not sure yet. but it definitely goes back to my parents and the enmeshment issues i have.

in other news...i am looking forward to the B.O.O.B.S getaway to Chicago in September. i will be putting the date on my folks calendar so they can watch the princess for me. i do have to warn you that *everytime* i am in Chicago (ok, twice in my life) there is a "freak" ice storm. so pack accordingly (<--------- see that is my narcissism assuming that the world's weather patterns are affected by my humble travels...oh the narcissism post will be a juicy blog post for you to read... <--------see...now my narcissism leads me to think that my blog post will be good *for* you...lol)

A vlog about my panties and skinny bitch roadtrip

This was actually done Monday but haven't a chance to upload it until now...i am home and just getting settled in....

my science fair project

question:   what will my alcohol tolerance be after i am banded?

hypothesis:  i will have no tolerance and lose any interest in drinking because i will be puking and it will just suck.

conclusion: LIFE IS GRAND!   i have no tolerance but because of the general lack of food in my stomach -- no puking.   just a very relaxing drunk.  the kind i associate with sitting on the beach all day.  minimal hangover too.  i was a rum and diet coke girl.  because i am not drinking carbonation now i had hurricanes and rum runners all night.   2 and a half to be exact.  it was wooooooooooooooonnnnnnnnnnddddddddddeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrrrrrrfffffffffffffffuuuuuuuuuuulllllllllllllllllll.

like a long lost lover, we are reunited and it feels so good....

Trashed

In the words of the wise Jimmy Buffet...give me something tall and strong make it a hurricane before I go insane...

My experiment with reintroducing rum back into my body is going swimmingly....

Tessierose may have to pick me off the sidewalk in a couple more sips.

Cheap date does not even begin to accurately describe it....

Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

You've come a long way, baby...

I started this journey with a seat belt extender (see December post about returning the extender)... Today my seat belt on the plane has at least a 3 inch tail!

Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

what am i? 16?

ok... first off...the energy level i have gained recently freaks me out.  i just ran to the mall to get the princess new sneakers and i found myself an hour later still dragging her from store to store because i just wanted to look around.  i feel like Balki on Perfect Strangers or something....lol.... i mean, of course, i have been to malls before -- i am an 80s teenager -- but in recent years anything that involved walking on hard cold tile was just not fun.   and, let's face it, most of the stores at the mall did not have anything for me so what was the fun in that anyways.

so i went into Hot Topic for the first time.  O.M.G.  my inner 16 year old was in heaven.  i ended up buying the coolest pair of flats with metal stars on them -- for $10 bucks!   i was also checking out the bustier/tutu outfits (because our resident sex kitten at our parties down here may be looking a stint in federal prison...lol...for real...don't ask)... then i found these pink checkerboard pumps and walked around the store in them --- in my bleach stained "mom" yoga pants.  (never done yoga before, by the way....).  all the while the princess was going around the store picking out "pretty things" for me.   i love this store.  lol.  i know, pathetic.  but i am going through an identity crisis or something.

books, sunscreen and blog catch-up

trying to catch up on the blogs...but i got to amy w's manifesto and decided to come back to catching up later while watching 90210.

i want to reassure you that i do use sunscreen -- not 50spf like i put on the princess but something that allows a tan.  my dad is of russian decent and my mom is greek.  so i will get really red but it fades pretty fast (like that day) into a nice a brown.  but thanks for the reminder that i need to get my annual skin check-up. i do have a spot on my forearm that has been looked at the past couple years.

last night at book club we discussed Olive Kittenridge by Elizabeth Strout.  I enjoyed it.  Good read.  Other books we have read in the past that I would recommend are The Pact by Jodi Picoult, Sarah's Key by Tatiana de Rosnay, Shelter Me by Juliette Fay, Not Me by Michael LaVigne and Beautiful Boy by David Sheff. 

We also read the following which I was not too excited about:  Three Cups of Tea, Lucky by Alice Sebold, The Elegant Gathering of White Snows.

I alway enjoy any of Jen Lancaster books for summer reading -- she talks about being fat.   I also enjoyed in recent months Three Junes by Julia Glass, The Sky's the Limit by Steven Gaines (about NY real estate), The Believers by Zoe Heller, Among Other Things I've Taken Up Smoking, The Sweet In Between by Sherri Reynolds Devil in the White City by Erik Larson (Chicago history fiction).

I read Glass Castle by Jeanette Walls -- didn't like it.  

On my list right now is Dorothy Allison's Trash for the lesbian book club, The Little Bee, The Spare Room, The Help and Apologize, Apologize.

um yeah.  i am a closet case librarian.  And I am always looking for the next book to read if you all have any suggestions.

My therapist would also be so proud of me because i am resisting the urge to offer to organize a bandster blog book club...but if anyone else wants to...i am so in!

Ok... babysitter is here tonight so I am going to go "work on my tan" and possible walk 2 miles in the process.  exercise.  bleh.  whatever.

what i did on my long weekend. by shrinking mommy

so i totally underestimated my restriction this morning and ate a little after a morning protein shake...this has left me sliming all morning at work...so instead of eating lunch today i will catch-up on my blogging while continuing to slime and hiccup loudly....

i haven't blogged since friday morning for no other reason than i live in paradise and was busy working on my tan.... (excuse the blurry picture but it was taken by the princess -- but check out moi in an Old Navy dress!)

so...friday we went to a water park and walking around in my bathing suit i did not feel like i was the fattest person there.  whether that was true or not, i don't care...i felt "average".   it is one of those parks with a water playground, lazy river tube ride and two water slides.   i dumped the princess on a friend and went on the water slide.  woo-hoo!   we actually were there for 4 hours.

then saturday morning we got up and the princess rode her bike for one mile while i walked along side of her and "worked on my tan".  then we went down to the pool where i found the perfect spot for the sun in the pool and moved my legs while "working on my tan".    saturday afternoon i laid 18 bags of mulch around the outside of the house and continued to "work on my tan".  i was still on post-fill liquids but hungry so had a lot of concern over my level of restriction and whether she would ever come back to me like a long-lost first love.

sunday was pretty much a lazy day for us.   we did go visit with some out of town relatives and i got my attention seeking whoreness satiated with their reaction to my weight-loss.

monday morning we decided to get up early and join some friends and watch the space shuttle take-off.  we are about 2 hours from the launch pad but in the dark of morning we got a pretty spectacular view.   

and then last night i did something different and that is part of my therapy work...instead of going to support group, i went back to my "straight book club".  they meet the first monday of every month and i stopped going after surgery.   one of the issues we have identified in therapy is my control issues.  and part and parcel of that issue is the fact that i always find myself in leadership roles.  being in leadership roles leads to me having to sometimes censor myself and that leads to frustration and a need for an outlet.   and since food can no longer be my outlet i need to find other things for me to just relax, enjoy and participate.   i am in charge as a solo-parent at home.   i am in charge as a department director at work.  i am "in charge" in many other situations i put myself into.  so in going through the things i enjoy my therapist and i identified this book club as i am the leader of my other one.   it was nice to go back.  of course i got an amazing reaction on my "new look".  this is a real interesting group for me to be involved in.   if there is ever a real housewives of boca raton on bravo i think a couple may be casted.   i once went to a rhinestone party at a member's home and i swear there was so much silicone and botox in the room i was expecting dr. 90210 to come out of the back of the house and do a housecall.   but, hey, they love me and i love them.  

i am leaving on friday for a business trip alone in new orleans.  i know... rough life.   i am committed to hitting the hotel gym or even better walking around the french quarter briskly at least twice while i am there.   also, i canceled going to place poker tonight but kept my babysitter in the hopes i can get some things done around the house and get in an hour of laps in the pool or a brisk walk.  i hate exercise.  i hate every moment of it.  but if in the end my tan improves... i will do it.  i also plan to catch up on the blogs tonight as well.

the joke was on me...

on wednesday i noticed i was getting hungry pretty fast and eating more than i "should" so i called the surgeon's office for a fill.   i did not get a fill because i was at my sweet spot two weeks ago at my monthly check-up and BAM it was gone.  so, of course, my daydream as i drove to the surgeon's office yesterday was that i would jump on the dreaded scale and see i lost 8 pounds in two weeks...NO.  2 pound loss in 2 weeks.   not acceptable.  i was so bummed.  the PA i see could see it.  i wouldn't do my usual chitchat.  i was knocked off my pedestal....big time.  i took a 1/4 of cc fill.   she says that at this point the fills are smaller.  i hope this brings me back to where i was.  so the PA and i talked and of course she talked to me about exercise.  ugh. 

so....i left there in.a.mood.  fine, i thought, i won't go back to the office and i won't pick the princess up early...i will go home and walk the fucking 2 miles around my neighborhood.  and then maybe, just maybe, i will get in the pool and do laps.   then...i drove past a fabulous shopping center and what is better than pigging out and/or exercising...that's right -- SHOPPING!!!!!  so i ended up going into old navy in the first time in years.  i know, i know, we are supposed to be boycotting them after their jeans were so mean to Jen.  but i promise i did not even look at the jeans rack.  no instead i went into the dressing room with a 2XL dress.  came out buying an XL dress!  then i went to payless and got a cute pair of flats and then Avenue for a bolero type top to wear over the dress since the dress is a tube maxi dress.  and by that time i.felt.much.better.  and, of course, by that time there was no time to really get a good exercise in so i went to whole foods to stock up on fresh soups for the next couple of post-fill days.   and by then there really was no time to do anything so i went to pay a bill in person.  who pays a bill in person in 2010?  a person avoiding reality named heidi who weighs 256 pounds...that's who.

finally, i went and got the princess from school and we did come home and go in the pool but i basically stood in a good spot for tanning.  i did move my legs a little but not much.  

last night i had 3 small chocolate eggs that the princess brought home from school.  yeah...i stole candy from my underweight kid to sabotage my weight loss.  lol.

(please don't feel sorry for me.  i am definitely not as upset today as i was yesterday and i know it will get better)

so then i got into bed and decided to catch up on all my Ruby episodes i have been dvr'ing.   i know, she is a kooky evangelical annoying virgin -- but i LOVE her!  so the final episode i caught up on was where she was challenged to change up 5 things in weight loss journey.  the idea behind that was that insanity is doing the same thing and expecting different result.  hmmmmm.  something to think about.  and of course one of my 5 things is to exercise and make it part of my routine.  i am still not sure what my other four things are but will think about it some more and most likely blog about it.

it is another day in paradise here.   the princess and i are going to a waterpark today with other lesbian families.  but first i am taking clothes to the consignment store.   i have been doing great with my consignments.  so far i have been able to walk in and "buy" new clothes and not had to lay out any money.   this latest trip pretty much clears me out.  i am at that awkward stage where i am not yet an 18/20 but i am definitely not a 22/24.   and, babbling amy, for the record...i am bringing in 8 pairs of jeans today and that leaves me with only THREE pairs of jeans.   the horror!