Don't hate me because I am tight..

Don't you just hate those skinny bitches who blah blah blah on the internet about how they are only able to get a drink down in the morning because they have good restriction...

Just sayin.

tranquility? really? me?

i have noticed that i have been very peaceful internally and externally lately. this is something my wannabe punk rock, badass anti-establishment (in my mind) self is not used to. it is especially apparent to me late at night.

my nighttime ritual for-evah has been to put the princess to bed, make some ridiculous dinner (tortilla chips with melted cheese and guacamole or eggs, feta and breakfast meat were always my favorites), eat dinner in bed, roam the internet mindlessly and watch bad reality tv or tabloid news. i have had to sleep with the TV on since i was in high school.

this past week i have noticed that i am not even sleeping with the TV on. and except for the highly euphoric trifecta of thursday nights -- rehab/runway/housewives -- i am not even putting the TV on most nights. by the time the princess is in bed at 7:30 i have eaten my small dinner, cleaned up the house, organized for the next day and settled in with a book. i am reading until about 10 or so and going right to sleep with no TV on.

this is just crazy to me and i can't help but attribute it to my lack of attachment to food nowadays, my sense of not needing to avoid the "fat" issue (since i know it is going away) and a general sense of just feeling better.

i have been pretty faithful to my mantra of family.health.career this week.   it has helped me to stay focused and say no to others and myself much easier.

i have taken a baby step towards exercise. i bought the princess a bicycle. didn't buy myself one yet...but i know it will happen in the next couple weeks.

today is a lazy day at home. started a new book. just got back from the princess riding at the park. tonight is ladies game night and tomorrow i am going to the renaissance festival.

also, i finally made contact with the LMHC that gave the intuitive eating lecture at my support group a couple weeks ago. i am going to start sessions with her this week. i think i am ready for it now.

peaceful and tranquil saturday to you....

"hollering" about love handles

i have been watching my love handles disappear.  it has been interesting...my left one disappeared almost immediately.  my right one was not going anywhere.  i noticed the other day that it is almost gone.  YAY!   but then i just saw this article.... i am not a barfly by no means... but i do like to stop into one every now and then... i hope i don't come to regret losing weight one day...  lol!

Woman says her love handles saved her life

After incident: ‘I want to be as big as I can if it’s going to stop a bullet’

The Associated Press

updated 7:05 p.m. ET, Tues., Feb. 23, 2010

ATLANTIC CITY, N.J. - A Florida woman said her love handles saved her life when she was shot entering an Atlantic City bar. Samantha Lynn Frazier said she heard two pops when she walked into Herman's Place early Saturday. The 35-year-old then felt pain and saw blood on her hand after she grabbed her left side. Atlantic City police said Frazier was an innocent bystander.

Detective Lt. Charles Love said the gunman was aiming for a man who escaped with a bullet hole in his down jacket.

The suspect remains at large.

Frazier told The Press of Atlantic City that "I could have been dead. They said my love handles saved my life."

Frazier also told the newspaper that she had been "hollering" that she wanted to lose weight. She now said "I want to be as big as I can if it's going to stop a bullet."

URL: http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/35549378/

Bizarro World Support Group

i am going to just put it out there...tonight's support group was fucked up. not good fucked up and not bad fucked up either...the new in-office nutritionist was the leader and she gave everyone two chocolate kisses. *pause for collective gasp*

yes. a bag of hershey kisses was passed around at my lap-band support group tonight. the topic was mindful eating. and we first discussed what is mindful eating. we talked about how we know we are hungry and how we know we are full. for hunger everyone said -- stomach growls, dizzy, etc. NOPE. on a scale of 1 to 10 if you are practicing mindful eating you should be at a 2 to 3 when you eat. you should be eating on a schedule. you should be asking yourself how you feel, when was the last time you ate and prepare yourself mentally to eat. for full you should be at a 5 to 6. i think with the band we are all somewhat aware of not eating to uncomfortableness.

but then...but THEN...she passed around a bad of hershey kisses and told us to each take two. she then said "go ahead and eat one..." i was watching the group....before she finished that sentence most people already had the kiss popped into their mouth. i chose not to (for reasons i will explain below). a couple other people chose not to either -- most said they did not want to open a floodgate. she then read a passage out of a book called Emotional Alchemy. the passage in the book is about raisins...but she chose to substitute it with chocolate (!!!!). she told us to hold the second hershey kiss in your hand and cup that hand with our other hand. i chose not to. the passage she read was a relaxation and then told them to put it in their mouths and feel the texture. i don't remember much because i purposely zoned out. turned out the point of this was mindful eating. the first piece they all popped it into their mouth without tasting it. the second one they all enjoyed. one woman said it was sexual. i get the end point....but i still am not sure it was the best food choice. she said afterwards she chose the chocolate because of the melting in your mouth sensation. would you bring beer to a meeting of alcoholics?

the reason why i did not eat the chocolate was because today i had my 3-month post-op appointment with my primary doctor.... the good news is that my blood sugar and cholesterol levels are going down. the bad news is that i am still technically a diabetic. i wanted to be one of those people who say "nine days after my surgery i was off all my meds...blah.blah.blah" <---- this was typed with a whiney voice.... but i am not. i am 3 months post-op and still a diabetic. my true confession is that i stopped taking my meds religiously pre-op. my commitment is to take my meds EVERY FUCKING DAY until my follow-up with my doctor in three months. i am not happy. but, whatever.

tomorrow night is another community meeting in another community....send "attention seeking whore" vibes my way so that i FINALLY will get a public shout-out on my weight-loss.  lol.

trouble in paradise....

and by paradise i mean my wallet! 

yesterday i went by the plus size consignment clothes and found out i had $125 available to me to shop.   so i stocked up on size 22 (!!!!!) jeans to wear right now and some 18/20 tops that were too nice to pass up -- that i can wear in a couple months.   i spent $80 of my consignment funds.  

the problem is....i bought a 2X Banana Republic top.  it actually fits around my shoulders and chest, but is too tight at the waist. i also bought a size 20 Old Navy long linen skirt that fits me right now.    i am a clothes whore.  and more to the point, i have no shame in saying i covet labels.  i have not been really been able to shop in a Banana Republic, GAP, Old Navy, etc. since I was in high school (20 years).  this becomes a problem for my wallet.  it is one thing to be a clothes whore at the avenue and their clearance rack or Macy's with the occasional INC top that is 40% off...but to start to realize the stores that await my wallet.  ai yi yi!  lol.

i am refusing to wear my size 26 jeans and pants anymore and will be packing those up for Babbling Amy.

in fill/restriction news... i had a 0.5cc fill on friday to complete my 0.5cc pre-cruise fill a couple weeks ago.  according to their scale i am down 3 pounds in 2 weeks.  i want MORE loss showing on the scale.   according to my parents scale for the Love Me Challenge I am down 7 pounds since we returned from the cruise last Sunday and i was up a pound.  both the doctors scale and my parents scale pretty much line up with each other.   my parents was one more pound down, but that was after a day of only liquids since i was at the surgeon's.

i have a confession to make...for the past couple fills i have not been that great about following my surgeon's rule of 2 days of liquids and 2 days of soft after a fill.  i would usually be on softs by the second day and back to eating by the end of the 3rd day.   so far this time, i have been great.  even went to a dinner party friday night and brought my own soup.  

i just had 1/4 cup of cottage cheese for breakfast and i feel satisfied.   i want to get to the point, like i see on other blogs, that i am only eating one or two scallops and am totally fine with that.

today i am going to a potluck brunch.     i am bringing my "famous" low-carb/gluten free crustless quiche.   it is just a nirvana of 10 different cheeses.    i am hoping it will be soft enough for me.  if not, i will have my shakes with me.

i am commited to this afternoon of spending as many hours it takes to catch up on all the blogs, comment and be active in our community again.

until then...successful living thoughts to you....

Skinny Skies Part 2

I conducted an experiment today at the airport. I took an 11oz EAS shake thru security. I put it in the bin with my baggie of small liquids and gels. I had my LapBand medical card in my hand. They were very nonchalant about it. The agent took just the drink over to the special desk and by the time I had my slip-on shoes on, he was handing my drink back to me. I asked him if he wanted to see my medical card and he said "no. I can't dispute your reason (for the drink)".

I am now tucked into my cozy seat waiting for the door to close with the table DOWN. The picture is of the tail of the seat belt that is not needed...

Flight is filling up...I wonder if someone will be taking this middle seat...don't want to be the fat person someone is stuck next to....

Looks like I have won this challenge! Fort Lauderdale here I come!

PS I was able to get a fill appointment for tomorrow....

Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

mirror, mirror on the wall...

thank you for sharing in my joy yesterday of getting past the Southwest blubber police. i don't want to mislead anyone and have them think that i am walking around always delusional and all rainbows, chirping birds and singing mice. i am still struggling with the brain vs body thing.

i have always joked that i had undiagnosised Body Dysmorphic Disorder -- i always saw a thinner person in the mirror than i really was. i wonder if that image is flipping. i feel fat lately. really fat. i keep taking progress pics and i don't like them. am i being inpatient? maybe. i don't know. i just know i feel fat. and quite frankly, let's admit it...i am. i may have lost 100 pounds -- but i still have over 100 to go...and my body looks that way...

i also think i need the other 1/2cc of fill that i did not take before my cruise. i am eating much more than i should.  not an obscene amount...but more than i should. i did find myself thinking yesterday that "maybe" i will wait until monday for my fill so i can eat some "special" things this weekend. not good. i know i am not in this to deprive myself -- but at the same time i can NOT start manipulating the band.

on another note...muscle milk light protein shakes are NASTY.  pure evil.  when i got into town yesterday i went to the grocery store to get a 4-pack of shakes to get through this trip.  they did not have my EAS AdvantEdge so i bought the Muscle Milk Light.  NASTY. i ended up giving the other 3 to a homeless man a couple blocks from the grocery store.  i did not have time to go find my EAS shakes until after yesterday's meetings.   but i will never buy muscle milk again.

today i am flying back home...so, one more rendezvous with the Southwest blubber police...i was listening to Rosie Radio on Sirius yesterday and people were calling in about the airline issue. Rosie was taking the stance of that Kevin Smith is in denial about how fat he is. the portion of the show i heard there happened to be two calls -- one from a gastric bypass patient and a lap band patient. the lap band woman was sooooooooooooo nice. she lost 200 pounds overs two years and recently invited an obese person to sit with her (and even offered to take the middle seat) and put the armrest up for the woman because she remembered how it felt to be obese on a plane. i hope that i never forget my obese self and remain kind.

yesterday i was at a community meeting.  ironically, i have not been in this particular community since my 4th day post-op.   i got a lot of feedback on my weight...including from the elected official over dinner.   while no one asked during my presentation...my attention seeking whore-ness left the meeting satisfied...

Flying the Skinny Skies

I am on a Southwest flight right now. I was the first to board due to my ticket type. The gate agent took my ticket and welcomed me to go sit in the exit row...um, fat people who need seatbelt extenders can't sit in the exit row. I know because I was once removed from an exit row. I was stopped once by the gate agent due to my size and asked to buy another seat and only got past him because my skinny but pregnant employee who was with me went off on him. Em-barass-ing.

I will admit that after the Southwest news this week, I did consider measuring my ass last night....

Oh wait. I don't need an extender anymore! I am sitting here in loose 24 pants and a Jones New York 2X shirt. Armrest down. Let's get this show on the road!

being smart about eating...

last night at support group we had a guest speaker.  she was a licensed mental health counselor who promotes intuitive eating.  most of her presentation focused on defining addiction and specifically food addiction and binge eating.   we did speak a little about mindful eating and she offered the following tips:

 

use a 20 minute warning.  next time you feel the urge to eat (outside of a scheduled meal) -- take 20 minutes to be with yourself before you eat.   make yourself a non-caloric drink in a "special" glass.  sit down and breathe deeply.  gently ask yourself what's going on.  what do you need?  whom do you need it from?  what could be the kindest thing you could do for yourself now?  what are you hungry for? 

 

if you still want to eat....go ahead.  eat mindfully.  notice how you feel after you eat.  don't beat yourself up.  move on.

 

some more thoughts on intuitive eating she shared:  sit down.  pay attention  to what you are doing.  listen to signals and signs.

 

she also talked a lot about the deeper meaning of addictive eating.   what it may be an indicator of.  and let me tell you....a year ago, a few months ago...maybe even sunday...i would have said "ah, that's bullshit".....  i don't think that anymore.  and the reason why i don't think that anymore is because i caught my inner dialogue last night saying this: "maybe you should dig deeper with a professional and figure out this addiction"...and instead of saying "i don't have anything deeper"....i said "digging deeper scares me.  what if i can't handle what i find?".....  whoa.    just whoa.  i think i may reach out to this particular woman.  she seemed warm and fair.  she is young enough that she is still interested in helping people and has not heard it all.

 

oh yeah, and i will admit here by badass inner dialogue at one point thought -- "what the fuck does this skinny bitch know about food addiction".... lol...always gotta rebel....sigh.  lol.

 

tomorrow i am flying across the state for work on southwest airlines.  hoping to avoid getting kicked off for "safety" reasons....

back from cruise. back to basics.

the cruise was abslutely WONDERful.    my parents loved it (their cabin was their anniversary present from me and they were unsure of a cruise with no casino...lol).   and the princess had an amazing birthday.   as you can see from the pictures we are "that" family -- that wears silly outfits and lives for theme nights!  lol.  LOVE IT!

i was in full control with my eating and mostly stuck with appetizers.   one night i had a "Mixed Grill" entree as my only food and ate about 1/4 of it.  basically got in a couple bites of each meat on the plate.    because i am doing the Love Me challenge i weighed myself at my parents when we got back yesterday.  i was up 1 pound.  and.this.is.why.i.can.not.weigh.myself.   i went into total self sabotage mode yesterday.  even ordering a pizza "for the princess".  i will most likely complete this challenge -- but after this NO MORE for me.  no more weekly weighing.  my plan had been to only weigh once a month at the surgeons and that is what i am going to do.  i know that the one pound is because i mostly at things like smoked salmon, tuna tartare and shrimp cocktails  -- water retention foods.  and i know i was not the best with my daily water intake.   but i can not put myself in a position where i am going to a. self sabotage or b. live by excuses. 

which brings me to today's theme...   i am now only doing things that feel right for ME ME ME.  and right now the only things that feel right for ME are being a mom/daughter, being healthy mentally, intellectually and physically and making a living (which enables me to be a mom and to be healthy).  family.health.career.   

this all hit me on the last night of the cruise as i sat at the table with my family and realized that i had everything i needed in the world at that table.   my parents.  my daughter.  my health.  and the means in which to afford these types of vacations.   family.health.career.

this means that i am going to become more discriminate with my social outings.   in the last year i have gotten very involved in a women's social group.  it is amazing.  but at the same time i find myself going to more and more than i really can swing.  i need to pick and choose my times away from the princess more wisely.  i need to make sure they are events i want to be at and do not feel obligated to be out.  i love to read, i love to be around smart people.  these lead me to being intellectually and mentally healthy. and i know this sounds absolutely crazy to my non-lapband friends reading this...but if this means i choose to stay in and read blogs and blog my thoughts...that is what i will do over going out. family.health.career.

this also means i am not dating right now.   in the week leading up the cruise i realized in the midst of some dating drama that i can no longer be responsible for making sure someone else is "ok" or that my actions or words make them happy.   and the way to avoid being put into that situation right now is to not date. family.health.career.

i know this sounds super-selfish --- but i am ok with that.   this year is about ME ME ME and that may mean that i come across as selfish or cold.  family.health.career.

just like i have trained myself to go for protein first when eating.  i will train myself with every choice i make with spending my time --- does this benefit my family? health? career?

today is a beautiful 70 degrees in south florida.   the schools are closed as is my employer.  the princess and i have all the windows open and we are enjoying the last day of our vacation at home.  tonight is support group.   this week i have to travel two days/one night for work and then friday is a half day at work.  so all in all an easy week which will allow me to refocus my energy and start the rest of my life....

successful eating thoughts going your way....

Five!

Happy Birthday to my sweet baby Princess!

my thought on restriction...

it fuckin rocks!   enough said.   i am tigggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhht.  but not bad tight.  i finally understand how it is possible to ONLY each 3 small protien-first meals a day.

tomorrow we embark on our disney cruise.  yay!  tomorrow my baby is 5 years old.   WAH!  speaking of which....  i was contacted by the foster care agency yesterday.  at this time they do not expect any children from haiti to place.    but i will most likely be going through their foster care licensing program this spring.   i spoke to the princess about us bringing another child into the home and she did not flush a babydoll down the toiliet (like i did when my parents told me about my baby sister) so i think we are good.to.go... or at least in a place where we can explore this option.

support group on monday was....interesting....  it was one of those times when you just sit back and tell yourself "she needs the support of the group tonight more than i do"....  a lot of our discussion focused on food choices, carbs and mindful eating.  someone in the group suggested a life coach to another patient.   there is apparently one who specializes in wls...as she is a wls patient herself.  i have not really had time to read up on her but you can find her here....http://toomuchonherplate.com/melissa-mccreery/

have a great and successful weekend...and remember...it is better in the bahamas....

ch-ch-ch-ch-changes....

things have been crazy -- but good -- here this week.  

after my 3 month post-op checkup this week, i passed over that threshold and came to accept that i really am going to lose weight and that the next year or so (weight-loss) wise is going to cause a lot of changes.

coincidentally, i also had my annual review this week. my boss basically told me that he is going to mentor me to take over his position in about 2 years (he is out of his 3rd or 4th retirement and in his 70s). this would take me from department director to a city manager/ceo position. the goals and benchmarks he laid out for me were quite high and significant. he also wants me to commit to major executive management training at a national level to make me more prepared to take his position. and true to his word, the rest of the week we got right down to business on me gaining new responsibilities -- including taking control of the policy issues in another department. fortunately, it is just policy and structure and not personnel. the human resources part of being a department director is the part i like least about my job. i have high expectations of others and their behaviors and get annoyed easily with laziness, stupidity and lack of teamwork. and with the weight-loss control going on right now i am not sure i would want to take on 50 plus people who would make me want to eat my band, forget about eating around it.

so...you put these two upcoming "changes" together -- weight loss and job -- and i have a pretty big year or two ahead of me. lots of goals. lots of self-improvement. lots of other people's expectations to meet. the truth of the matter of it is i know that i will emerge on the other side of two years looking a like a new person inside and out. wow. kind of scary. but exciting at the same time.

i never updated on support group this week because i am still digesting some of it and i don't doubt that eventually members of the group will read this blog. we had some bypass patients there this week and it is crazy the differences in our control points, outlook, etc. i will pretty much leave it there, because some things are just better left unsaid. also, i know my reaction is clouded by the fact that i am very intolerant of new people/situations. like if a website changes it format -- i freak out -- so all you girls who change your background weekly are wreaking havoc on my non-dx ocd. lol... back to support group... nothing too bad...but it would be like putting a vegetarian and a rancher in the same room together....both are going to walk away scratching their heads and having some wild perceptions about each other....

but true to form, on the surface all the regulars at my group were patient and tried to engage with the "others".   i will also say that there was a newly banded woman there and i felt bad that she was getting a mixed message on the journey. she actually beat me in how soon someone attended group. i was exactly one week post-op. she had her surgery thursday and was there monday -- is that 4 days? being the competitive one that i am, i made a mental note of her beating me. lol.

regarding the clothes issues i briefly posted about....i finally understand hoochie mama fashion. i mean WHY would someone want to wear baggy clothes when they can show off ALL their deliciousness? i hated being in bagging clothes this week. you see, i thought i was organized. i spent some time this past weekend ironing my clothes for the week so i would look nice. never occurred to me to TRY ON the clothes. the problem is that the 26s are baggy but the 24s are just a little too tight. thus, my new appreciation for hoochie mamas....

i am rocking some new glasses today. you can see them in my pic up there. other than that, i am enjoying my post-fill restriction. dating/relationship (eeek! i said the word) is going well.  the princess has been sick this week and home from preschool much of the week. between me, my mom, my mom's friend and my babysitter we have figured it out...

one week and i will be on the cruise! yippee!

Difficult Lunch - in real time

Sitting at lunch with an employee who has food addiction. She took one spoonful of soup and asked if there was free refills on soup. It was the appetizer to her chili cheese hot dog! Now she just got a bowl of another kind of soup to have with her hot dog. Oh god, she took a bite off another person's plate of mac and cheese.
I am trying not to judge. It is more just overwhelmed watching this. Thinking about all the past meals with her where we probably enabled each other.

I know she asks other staff about my surgery progress - but never me. I hope she does.

Note to Self

You are NOT a size 26. You look sloppy and ridiculous at work today.
Love,
Heidi

PS You may NOT want to put your phone in you pocket...unless you want folks at work to see your underwear while you are waiting for the elevator...

Spreading the Gospel

Just spent 10 minutes in the ladies room at work preaching about the Band. Yes, I have become one of those...all I need is someone to say the magic words: "heidi! You are disappearing!"

My tactic is to offer to go to the free seminar with them...

Next thing you know I will be stalking the pasta aisle at the grocery store in a white starched shirt with a black name tag!

Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

apparently, i do not have a moon shaped face afterall

circa 373

(wearing slimming black)

circa 272

(excuse the bad complexion...it was after the 5k this weekend)

thanks for indulging me!

373

The highest number I have ever seen on a scale is 373. Today I weigh 272. I do not think much commentary is needed to support this statement.

Thank you for allowing me to share this milestone with you.

Goal Met!!! (10 days early, thankyouverymuch)

my first goal was to lose a total of 40 pounds by our disney cruise next thursday.   this morning was my 3 month post-op appointment and i recorded a 10 pound loss this month!  woo hoo.  actually to be even more boastful -- today is really 2 month 3 weeks since my surgery.   i went in a week early so i can have time to adjust to the fill before the cruise.  the last thing i need is to be pb'ing all over the ship.  

i had great restriction up until this past tuesday so i took a 1/2 cc of fill.  i am hoping this will do the trick.  even though the PA said i could come back next week before the cruise if i needed more, at this point i rather not risk it and just come in for the other 1/2cc after the cruise, if needed.

i was sooooooooooooooo nervous getting on the scale.  i am not sure i will ever be able to kick that old feeling.   i even mentioned it to the nurse while i was getting on the scale with one eye closed.   i told her that next time dr. bass needs to give me a lobotomy.  she said "then you won't be able to celebrate your success!".  she was so cute.   have i told you how much i love my surgeon's office?  lol.  <---- look!  you don't even have to wait until tonight to read that!

so i am ready with my next goal.  i am trying to stay motivated and realistic.....so.....the next goal to meet is a total of 65 pounds by mother's day -- may 9th.  

speaking of being realistic...in the car from the surgeon's office back to my office i was suddenly overcome with emotion because i realized that i was going to succeed.   i realized that i was going to meet or exceed every goal.  i realized that i will really be skinny one day.   it was a total good emotional cry.   a proud cry.  the kind of cry that happens when your beautiful daughter does something amazing.

i have also noticed that i have started to plan my life in 10 pound/per month increments.   i am attending a pool party in june.   when i saw that -- i thought..."ok, by then i should be 80 pounds down".  lol.  there is a big party in april..."ok, i will be down 60 pounds".   lol.  i think it is so funny everytime i catch myself thinking in 10 pounds.  does anyone else do this?

ok...back to work... it is a rainy, rainy day here in south florida.

have a successful day!