who i was, am and will be.....

there are two blog posts swirling around in my lil ole head screaming to be released.... this will be the first of two....

my thoughts on being a mom.   a lesbian mom, to be more specific.  a lot of these thoughts came to me this weekend as i attended a birthday party for a classmate of the princess, ran around town getting us organized with food and supplies for my week of recovery from surgery and spent all day yesterday at three different annual check-ups for the princess.  

let me say this first...being a mom is all i have ever wanted to be.  the steps i took to become a mother were calculated.    i have no regrets whatsoever in becoming a mother.

with that being said...being a mom is probably the most isolating experience in my life.   specifically, being a non-partnered lesbian mom.   as a lesbian i am different from most other lesbians who choose not to be parents.   as a non-partnered lesbian mom i am different from most of the other lesbians who are raising a kid with a partner.   as a lesbian i am different from most of the other moms who are straight.  

to break these thoughts down further...

lesbian mom in non-parenting lesbian world....a lot of lesbians don't like kids.   they don't want kids around.  i can not tell you how many women have told me that they do not wish to date someone with kids because they "can not relate to kids".   i can't tell you how many women think they are complimenting me and the princess when they announce that "generally i do not like kids, but the princess is ok"....um, gee.  thanks, i think.  of course, this is a general statement that there are exceptions in my life to this.   but as a whole...the gay and lesbian world is not kid friendly.   

non-partnered lesbian mom...true story: i met a lesbian couple with a child at gay pride last year.  we had emailed before meeting face to face and talked about out kids getting together.  i happened to be walking around with a platonic friend and my kid when we met.    they assumed that my friend was the other mommy.   they said to their kid "look, kid, the princess has TWO MOMMIES too!"  the kid is about 10.   i said "actually, the princess has only one mommy...me".  "ooooh." was the response.  needless to say they never wanted to get together after that.   i have also watched in amusement over the last year them post on a social site and tell other people i know how they are so frustrated that they can not meet other professional lesbian moms.  i am a professional.  i have the letters behind my name, if you are someone that impresses.  i am just a singular mom and not plural.  i also watched in amusement at a pool party we all attended last year as they latched onto the trashy, dysfunctional NOT professional lesbian couple.   but, hey...they were momS with a capital S.   of all the friends and social acquaintances in my life....not one is a lesbian mom.  i tried to start a group.  it failed.   i would like lesbian mom friends.  not every other weekend lesbian moms with leftover teenage kids from a former straight life.  but fulltime lesbian moms raising young kids.   but even if i can not find that...i would love to meet lesbian moms.  period.  i read recently that 34% of jacksonville's gay community is parents.   inviting.

lesbian mommy -- not straight mommy....my mommy friends are straight.  and i would probably have more if i would put more effort into developing friendships and socializing at birthday parties, etc.  but i don't.  i don't know why...but i am very awkward and don't jump in with the other moms.  i think some of it is the demographic area i live in.   let me just say...bravo could do a whole series on the real mommie of boca raton.   so while, i say i am isolated...i know that some of this is my own doing when it comes to the straight mommies. 
with all this being said....being a mom is all i have ever wanted to be. i have no regrets whatsoever in becoming a mother.   i just wanted to put out there how isolating at times my life can be.    i want to work harder at making friends that i have the kid connection with.  this will mean going outside my comfort zone.  ugh.   i like my comfort zone.   lol.   my lonely disney loving, jimmy buffet singing, mommy-centric comfort zone.

i think a lot of these thoughts have a lot to do with the uncovering of the authentic me.  i have a bigger blog post about the authentic me bursting to get out.   but not today.  maybe tomorrow.

so i "lost" weight...

but i still weigh 208.  i am sooooo confused.   i *thought* i weighed 208.   at least that is what i remember weighing at my 1 year appointment.   so when i went into the surgeon's office yesterday for a smidge of a fill i was blah about the scale showing 208.  but the tech told me i lost 6 1/2 pounds.  huh?   apparently when i went in for a baby fill at the end of november i was up to 214 1/2.  i must have been in total denial and blocked that out of my head.   so the good thing is i am actually down and not in a plateau AND i got a baby fill this week to bring me back to a good control point.

this little surprise loss has definitely motivated me.  i have set a new goal of definitely/without a doubt/positively being under 200 pounds by february 11th.  this is a back to basics goal for me.   the princess will be 6 (SIX!) on feb 11th.   and regardless of my motivation and reasons for losing weight now...as my therapist always reminds me, i decided to have surgery for one simple reason...because "i am a mom".    so i will live to see my daughter graduate high school.  so i can be a healthy role model.   

my next appointment is february 1st.  i hope plan to be 198 by then.   and will be 195 by her birthday.  i will forever leave the 200s behind -- for both of us.

i really going to commit this month to no chips, crackers or other blatant carbs.   i am also going to recommit to my gluten-free lifestyle.  i am gluten intolerant, although with the weight loss my intolerance seems to have gone into remission so it is less of a motivator to stay away from blatant carbs.   but i know regardless if i am getting sick from gluten or not -- it is not healthy for me, my body, my skin, etc.

so....here i go.....

taking a break from the merri-go-round of life....

a lot  is going on.  yet nothing is going on.  i am not dating that woman anymore.   i think my quest for healthiness this past year has made me too sensitive to dealing with other people's unresolved shit.   the fun parts were definitely fun, but i am no place to deal with constant emotional antics and bullshit.   it has also made me realize that i really want to *just* date and not get involved in deep relationship stuff.  keep it on the surface and fun.   i always say this to women going into relationships and then i put my guard down on this issue and i grow to resent it.   i need to work on my role in that.  my life is so full.   i have everything i need.  all my boxes are full..... all i really want is distraction from my full life.

fortunately, this one was relatively short and i got out of it pretty unscathed.  (although there were some sad and mean moments....)  right now i am really looking forward to work slowing down beginning the week of the 13th and cruising along to the first week of january.   time to be a mom.  daughter.  friend.  me.  

hannukah starts tonight.   it is early this year -- which means by next wednesday i am DONE with the holidays.  woohoo.    many years ago when being a mom was only a hard to reach dream, i was working in a library and came across a book about "unplugging" the xmas tree and making xmas more about family than gifts or even religion.   i always thought that "when i have a baby...." that is what i would do.   and so i have.  the princess only gets one presents from me every hannukah and not the gazillion presents every night for 8 nights that i grew up with.   she does not get a toy or anything plastic.   this year, tonight, she will get a journal and special pencil so that she may start journaling every night about her day.   never fear, throughout the week she will be getting lots of presents from friends and family -- and that is ok too.   i figure i spoil her all year, that this time of year needs to be a special kind of spoiling from me -- one of hugs, kisses, family and quality time. 

from a lap-band perspective -- all is good.   i have good restriction but i am not too tight that i am hurting myself.   thanksgiving was a no-brainer.  just some turkey and a taste of gluten-free stuffing my mom makes just for me.   

i am working out twice a week with a personal trainer and really enjoying it.   i see this next phase of weight loss to really be one of deflation for me.   my stomach pouch, inner thighs and upper arms will continue to deflate and that is where the movement on the scale will come from.  

i have no idea what i weigh "officially". (and strangely, i don't care).   i just know i that my pants are falling off of me and i bought a size 12 skirt and wore regular size 14 jeans yesterday.  i have a scale that i now keep at my therapist's office -- but have not gotten on it for a while. perhaps my next visit in a couple weeks i will. i am beginning to see a thinner person in the mirror and not just in the pictures i take after the fact. i had this weird sensation this past saturday at disney...i felt "light". part of it is the working out -- but i felt light, agile, normal.

nothing is happening on the plastic surgery front right now.  i haven't even had the time to work on my medical necessity appeal.  but in the mean time i think my first surgery will be my arms.   the other day i was sitting at the table in a tank top writing something and i kept seeing something run across the room in my periphery vision.   it was not a critter....it was my arm shaking!!!!!!!!!  LOL.  i.swear.to.god.   i took this picture while i sat there laughing at my pathetic body.   it was such a funny moment.   so my goal is to save up the $4K i need to get my arms done and get them done by early spring so i will be healed by summer.    that means no disney cruise this year.   sigh.   but i really think it is worth it.  you can see how small my arms will be without the flaps.  lol.

i really miss blogging and reading and gaining inspiration from everyone's blog.  i know i say this everytime i reappear, but i really hope to get more regular again.   there are some things i really want to explore but always feel like i need to catch-up before i just lay them out there....

day 365

today is a day of reflection.   it is the last day of the first year of the rest of my life.  (geez....the tears are already flowing....).   tomorrow will be my one-year band anniversary.   

it really has been a couple weeks of reflection.  starting with a visit with Babbling Amy on October 29.   it was just wonderful.  we talked.  the kids played.  we sat in the hot tub.   we at AMAZING homemade broccoli ham cheddar soup.   we both talked about being "stuck" both on the scale and in our heads.   and we decided that our one-year anniversaries need not be "Day 366" but Day 1.   it is not the homestretch.  it is a new beginning.  for me, i have to lose 40 more pounds.  i have lost a gazillion this year....i *think* i can eeek out another 40.   seriously.  is 1/3 of what i have lost this year.   it is really 3-4 pounds a month over the next year.  sure, it is a step back from my rockstar 10 pounders....but not only totally doable--- but really realistic.  

i think know sometimes i get lost up in the big picture and forget to look around at the small moments.   as i typed the paragraph above i reminded myself that the first 80 pounds were lost on this journey in increments of 40.   time for me to step back and go back to the basics. 

i am training with a personal trainer twice a week.  she is the same lady that comes to my support group once a month.   four of us got together and she agreed to train with us at the same time for only $20 each per session.  it is great.  lots of one on one time.  she is helping me focus on my arms and belly.  

love life is divine.  i am definitely in the pre-stages of love.  she is just incredible.  i can't believe she is in my life.   we are really happy together.

i am still struggling with the mirror of distortion vs. the mirror of reality....so i share the following for my own reinforcement.

last year at Disney Halloween Party: 

this year.... (the princess is aerial and i am ursala from the little mermaid):

me at the grown-up halloween party last year:

me at the grown-up halloween party this year:

and so many NSVs in the last month it is sometime overwhelming.... i never really blogged in whole about vegas...so some NSVs from that trip and a report on buffet eating....

Vegas NSVs:

• i never got tired from walking.

• i danced on a bar.    in order to dance on a bar you need to climb up and down from the bar.  did that.   
•  sat on the floor of the airport.
• and i fucking ziplined down a street off the top of a 5 story building.  to do that one must get weighed.  i was waved on by by the lovely woman who stood guard at the scale.  the guy in front of me weighed in at 250 and was told he was right on the dot. 
• i shopped at Guess and bought myself two new items of clothing.  the young sales girl did not give me a funny look...instead she ran around the store picking out things she thought would look perfect on lil ole me.
• while in vegas i threw out a lot of the clothes i wore -- including all my pajamas because they were ridiculously big. 

(real quick on the buffets.... i was able to use my medical card at two buffets and pay the child's price...the M resort and the Rio....two of the nicer buffets i am told.  at our hotel the Freemont Hotel they would not allow a discount on the buffet but instead told me i could order and pay ala carte...bleech)

and here are some other NSVs....

• my personal trainer sees me as "advance" in what i can do.  i am the last person to have surgery in our group of four but she sees me as the one she can push because i don't have any "limitations".

• the hot woman i am dating stayed over the other night and did not have anything to wear the next day...so she pulled a pair of pants and a sweater out of my closet and wore them.  she is a perfect womanly size 12.  the pants were regular size 14s. Sweater was INC large.  sweater was perfect on her, pants were a little baggy.  to think i have a girlfriend who can wear my clothes....strange.   awesome.

• i wore a size 12 old navy denin skirt yesterday. 

• it feels like of cruel saying this...but it *was* one of my goals... i am NOT the fattest mom in my daughter's kindergarten class.

the jimmy buffett song "lovely cruise" has been in my head all morning.   if you don't know it...google it...listen to it... you need the tune to understand the words....i shall leave you with the lyrics as my final thoughts on this past year....because, really,  those harbor lights....they're coming into view

 

 

Drink it up

 

This ones for you

 

It's been a lovely cruise

 

I'm sorry it's ended

 

It's sad but it's true

 

Honey it's been a lovely cruise

 

 

 

These moments were left with

 

May you always remember

 

These moments are shared by few

 

There's wind in our hair

 

And there's water in our shoes

 

Honey, it's been a lovely cruise

 

 

 

These moments we're left with

 

May you always remember

 

These moments are shared by few

 

And those harbor lights

 

Aw they're coming into view

 

We bid our farewell much too soon

 

So drink it up

 

This one's for you

 

Honey, it's been a lovely cruise

 

Yea baby, it's been a lovely cruise

 

Oh darlin' it's been a lovely cruise

 

 

 



new boobs, new boots and a cute waitress

this is going to be quick and dirty....because i can barely sit up straight from the excruciating pain in my back.

my birthday in bullet points:

• surgeon thinks he can get insurance to cover my breast reduction and the cutting off of my stomach apron (i forget the medical term...starts with "P").  
• i would then cover the minor "tummy tuck" part since my insurance will be paying for the anesthesia, etc.    the tummy tuck will pull everything tight.  and then maybe Amy W. will leave Heather for my killer abs.  whatevah.
• he showed me pics of someone who had deflated and long hanging boobs like me.   she now has a nice perky C cup.  i can totally live with that after years of lying about being a DDD when i am really bigger.
• he is willing to break his "3 months" after goal weight rule for me.  i could barely sit unsupported on the exam table because my back hurt so bad this morning.    he wants to get close to my one year lap band anniversary date at the very least.
• insurance could take up to a month to approve.   then you usually get a 3 month time frame for the approval.  this puts me close to my november anniversary --- so the good lord willing and the crick don't rise i could be "fixed" anywhere from thanksgiving to xmas.
• my arms and thighs need to completely deflate (3 months after goal) before he will do them.
• i like the idea of a surgically conservative plastic surgeon.   his office is close to south beach and i think he is a rarity in this arena.
• he got me an appointment with his brother the chiropractor tomorrow.  which will help with this pain that left me in tears in the bloomingdales dressing room tonight and help with insurance documentation.
• once he saw a picture of the princess he started talking about making an arranged marriage for his 7 year old boy and her.  funny.
• he got chocked up.  silent.  disbelief when he saw my "before" picture.  when i could finally speak he said "you and Dr. Bass saved your life".
• my upper staff took me to PF Changs for lunch today.   our waitress was gorgeous.  like a perfect mix between betty page and veronica lodge (archie comics).   gorgeous.  silver eyes.  black curly hair.   red lips.  i think i am going to PF Changs again next week.  lol.  without the staff.  lol. 
• staff got me a disney gift card for my birthday.   they do it every year and every year i am thrilled.
• my boss and his staff gave me a surprise hello kitty cake at the office.   lol.
• spent the evening at the mall with the princess.  i went on a major shopping spree.  the new DKNY perfume i have wanted.  three new sweaters, a shirt and a dress and new brown boots.   shopping therapy.  needed it.

and finally, i had a major emotional freakout and breakdown today.  i will address it another day here.  i need to get it out.  long story short...if i am going to blog about new beginnings and coping skills ---- i might want to read my own blog and learn from it.   if i am going to talk about honesty and integrity i may want to consider not trying to control the access to that honesty.   if i am going to bust my ass all year to make it to my 38th birthday i may want to act like i am 38 and not 14. 

and one more thing... i just need to get this out.  the pain is overwhelming.   last month i could walk the mall for FOUR hours, if not more.  tonight i could barely do 2 hours.  these last 20 pounds have pushed my body to this place of pain.   here it goes:  i did not lose 160 FUCKIN pounds to be almost crippled by the end of the day and to have to avoid certain fashion styles because of my skin.  whew.  done.  thanks.

good night.  sweet dreams.  i am off to pop a pain killer.

school update...

i needed to just focus on getting through last week that i did not make time to update.  which i felt bad about because you all were so supportive during my first day of school freak outs.

well, obviously, we made it.   but it was a rough one.  wednesday was my first day back to work after two and one half weeks off.   i knew it would be an intense one so i even made arrangements for my daughter's bio-dad to pick her up after school and visit with her.   4:30 he calls.  she is SCREAMING in the background.  he is hysterical.  so, of course, my mind goes to the WORST.   fortunately (ha!) she had just thrown up all over his car.   so quickly i pack up my work and head off to rescue her (and him...kids throwing up in a gay man -- with no parenting skill -- car is a recipe for disaster for all involved...lol).    so the project i could have finished in an extra hour and half at work took me most of the night.   this included a strategy meeting with the executive officer at 10PM.   

so the next morning i had a MAJOR presentation to do an hour away.   met my mom literally on the side of the road to drop off a feverish princess and off i went.   by the next day, friday, we were just SPENT.  she threw a fit going back to school.   and i had to deal with all the next day quarterbacking at work after the intense presentation the day before.

we both survived.  i was so frickin overwhelmed.  

i just wanted to do a quick update on that aspect of our life.   hopefully tonight i will blog some more about the emotional growth i have gone through in the last week. 

oh, and, today the princess came home with her first school library book.  i almost busted out into tears in the aftercare lobby when i saw it in her bag.  she is growing up. 

feelings...

woh, woh, woh feeeeeeeelings.

they fucking suck.

having never really experienced or felt what i am going through in the past due to my wittle food addiction issue...i am just not used to feeling things.   talking about my feelings.  or even admitting i have them.   well, apparently there is a reason for this.  my parents, namely my mother, aren't too keen on expressing feelings.   as i have been going through this journey, i have come to realize that she is quick to shut down any expression of feeling.   and when you are used to just numbing your feelings with food and don't have the physical means to do it anymore...well... it fucking sucks. 

she just called to see how the first day of kindergarten drop off went.    school starts at 8AM and my main office is about 30 minutes away from the school.  because i am my kid's only parent when it comes to getting her to school, etc. and the school does not have a before-care program -- i need to get her there early most days.  i do have some flexibility with getting to work but in the instances where i need to be at work early (some call this "on-time", apparently) the school does open the cafeteria at 7:10 and as long as you drop your kid off by 7:30 they can get into the cafeteria and have breakfast.  so that is my modified solo-mom before-care program.  

so this morning i went through the breakfast line routine with the princess.   and when my mom called i told her the following:  she is not used to carrying trays of food and it is really too big for her.  i also mentioned that it was hard for her to reach for the food and the silverware was really out of reach.   my mom starts YELLING at me.  yes, YELLING at me to just get "over it" and stop making issues.  i told her i was not making issues -- i was just telling her what i observed and i may need to reconsider the breakfast at school idea and instead just get her there before the doors close at 7:30 or just be late for work until it becomes an issue.  her response was that people will be falling over themselves to help the princess.   i told her that we can't depend on that thought.  she then YELLED "i can see where today is going".  yep.  you're right mom.  it is going somewhere where an adult might fucking FEEL something and want to process it by talking about it and maybe even bouncing ideas for a solution off another SANE adult.  but, you're not sane, mom.     

you see, i am not a big believer in that because my kid is cute people are just going to drop everything to help her.   a *grandmother* may think that is what will happen...but i am her practical and logical mother.   i don't live in la la world.  i live in a world where i need to make sure there is a working system in place for my kid to be independent. 

my mom said something about i really don't need to worry because the princess will make a lot of friends.   i mention that it seems like a lot of the kids in the class know each other already from camp or daycare or something.     just a statement.   she said i am making that up.  i told her "no, the parents were talking about it".   i also said that the princess is more interested in talking to the teacher and other grown-ups (a trait that comes from having a solo-parent and no siblings that can work for or against you depending on the situation) and that she didn't seem to notice when the kids started to scoooch her out of line so they could sit together and by the time they went into the classroom she was sitting in the middle of the hall alone while all the other kids were sitting together and talking along the wall.   again my mother YELLED at me that i was making problems.   i told her that i was not.  i was just telling her what i observed.  she YELLED at me that i observed "wrong" and then got off the phone.

so that left me crying.   crying because i feel so out of control with this kindergarten thing.  crying because i am worried about my princess.  and crying because i am almost 38 and my mother can still fucking do this to me.  and crying most of all because i can not go downstairs and eat and make it all go away....far far away from my feelings.

i am so fed up with my mother and her fucking insanity lately.  she is so fucking unhealthy and as i get healthy it really just bothers me.   she can't deal with anything.     so she just avoids it -- by not participating or yelling that it is not true or going shopping or eating or going to the casino or or or.... 

last week the princess and i took a break from our Keys vacation and came up for orientation.  i invited my mother to go because i thought she would want to see the school, etc.  after all, she has so many fucking opinions on everything lol.   i also invited her to go because we were having a 504 plan (physical needs issues) meeting with her whole team at the school...and, ya know, it would be nice to have some adult back-up FOR ME when dealing with this shit.  my mom told me that she may go to the orientation at 8 but had to be back in her neighborhood for a charity meeting at 10.   fine.  day of the orientation she says she is not coming down just to turn around.   during the meeting i hear my phone ring in my purse.  when we leave i see it was my mom calling around 10:30 from her house.  hmmmm.   so we call her back and i ask her how her meeting was.  she stumbles for an answer and then tells me that she didn't go.     so she avoided kindergarten.  she avoided the special needs meeting.  she avoided helping me.   look, my mom, her mom, my aunts, my sister (and yes, even me) have suffered from depression.   and the more and more i get healthy the more and more i am angry at her for inflicting her shit on me.   inflicting it on me when i was growing up and putting me in a position to be enmeshed and addicted.   and inflicting it on me now when i am trying so hard to be a healthy mother for my own daughter.

it would just be so nice to have a SANE mother to share my observations with.  i KNOW the princess will figure out how to carry the tray, get the spoons, open the milk, make friends, etc.   but i really don't see what the big fucking deal is for me to talk about my FEELINGS and WORRY away from my daughter with another adult.   

hey, mom. guess what? putting your head in the sand and not seeing things for what they are and making everything "all right" all the time for your kid and encouraging other adults to do the same for your kid only ends up with your "kid" being in their 30s and weighing 373 pounds. no.fucking.thank.you.

what i am realizing is that my mother can no longer be my "other adult".   she is not a co-parent.  she is not my friend.  (all these things the enmeshment has led me to believe).   she is barely my own functioning parent.    i am finalizing realizing that i may need to go outside my sick little family and create my own.   interestingly enough, last night i got three surprising text messages of unsolicited support.   One from Bachelorette #1 (or was she #2...i can't remember), one from my closest straight-mommy friends who has a son a year older than the princess and one from -- of all people -- my daughter's biological father.    it was very nice of all of them to reach out to me on the eve of a very big day for me and princess. 

i am counting down the hours to when i will have possession (lol) of my child again.   i am still on vacation from work.   this afternoon i will go see my therapist (ooh-doggie, she will be earning her fee today! lol) and then i go get my nails done...and then i will steal my baby back from that evil school board.  lol...

game.set.match.

i did it.  i met my kindergarten goal today.   i sat my skinny ass in one of those teeny tiny chairs....  now there were chairs a little bigger in the room, but i made sure i sat in the smallest one:

Here is the proof.  The random dad taking the picture was *obviously* trying to get something else in the frame than showing my bottom half in the chair.... i was going to also include a picture of me around 350 on the princess' first day of preschool...but in the spirit of moving forward and not looking back all the time -- i have decided not to.

as for this whole "compulsory education" bullshit and kids growing up and independent....no comment.  :-(

we are back in the Keys until saturday.  

teaching kids to eat healthy....

just came across this article.  a lot of common sense, but a great reminder...i already am committed to packing the princess' lunch everyday for school.

www.sun-sentinel.com/health/fl-food-kids-eating-081210-20100812,0,2854680.story


Nutrition 101


Parents must be the teachers when kids are learning how to eat healthy.


Minneapolis Star Tribune


August 12, 2010

Parents, we need to talk.


School lunch is the topic on many parents' minds, what with news stories, blogs and chefs outing school-lunch ladies as misguided fools. (Never mind that the lunch ladies aren't the ones making the food choices.)

And, yes, school lunch needs some serious work. If you have school-age children, you should be paying attention to what your children's school has to offer during lunch and at other times, when the vending machines are open. (And if you don't like what you see, pack them a lunch.)

But as a parent, there is a far more important issue than school lunch — namely what's on your child's plate at home, especially with kids back in school this month.


Over 18 years, your child will consume at least 19,710 meals (parents of teenagers know that three-times-a-day is just the start).


Your child's school, should you put others in charge of lunch from first through 12th grade, is responsible for barely one in 10 meals, or 2,100 of them.


The biggest determinant to how well your child eats? Well, that would be you, the parents.


Of course, the food environment has evolved in the past 20 years (the deluge of food marketing to kids and adults, the lack of gym classes and walking paths, and much more).

But let's consider your actions because you control, at least in theory, your child's menu at home.

Mealtime is one of those moments where, regardless of your intent, it teaches a lesson — over and over again. What the lesson will be is up to you.

"If children grow up with mac and cheese and chicken nuggets, then that's what they'll eat as adults," said Jayne Fulkerson, associate professor in the School of Nursing at the University of Minnesota.


In other words, if you don't eat fruits and vegetables at home, it's not surprising when your child doesn't reach for them at school.

In the recent "Food Revolution" TV series with British chef Jamie Oliver, there is a scene where schoolchildren are offered a choice of marinated chicken drumsticks or pizza. When they go for the pizza, Oliver is shocked and blames it on the school lunch program. (And then he cries for the camera, which I sometimes felt like doing when my kids were grumbling about dinner.)

But that's too easy. Blame it on the parents. That scene reflects the kids' unfamiliarity with chicken drumsticks. They haven't eaten it at home.
Even if school lunches were terrific and kids got extensive nutrition education at school, they still would eat most of their meals at home.


"If you don't role-model at home, if children learn what to eat in the classroom and school lunch and then don't do it at home, how do you sustain that?" asked Fulkerson.


A matter of choices

It's about priorities. Today's "helicopter" parents hover over their children and their activities in a manner unseen in prior generations. Yet, when it comes to mealtime, many don't give it a second thought as they grab burgers, fries and soda at the drive-through on the way to yet another soccer game.

"There are so many more choices of food for children. Parents are stressed out. Kids are being marketed to aggressively," said Mary Story, professor of nutrition at the University of Minnesota and director of the Robert Wood Johnson Foundation's Healthy Eating Research.

"Unhealthy foods are in so many areas of life, not just on TV, but wherever kids turn. There are so many cues in our society for unhealthy eating," said Story. "For parents, it's easy just to give in to their kids. You can see it with parents cooking separate meals for kids. They don't want to deal with the hassle."

It's in your hands

So what can you do as a parent?

• Make mealtime a priority for your family. Sit down together. It isn't just the food that matters — it's the time together, the sense of feeling connected to those at the table. And research from the University of Minnesota shows that children who eat with their families have higher-quality diets.

• Make dinner. Yes, take out the pots and pans, and cook. No need for fancy food. Modest offerings will be more healthful than anything you can find at a restaurant or fast-food outlet. You'll eat less, too, than if you're dining at a restaurant.

"I can go to a restaurant and order pasta and know that it is three meals' worth of food because I have a context for that," said Fulkerson. "But kids don't have that perspective. Parents must teach them what a normal portion is."

With easy recipes, meal prep doesn't have to take long. When you do it yourself, you can have the benefit of using less processed foods and adding more variety to your diet than you will get eating out.


• Serve only one meal at mealtime. The home kitchen isn't a restaurant with a short-order cook. There should be one choice, and that's called dinner. Frequent dining out gets kids accustomed to the "I want this, not that" approach to mealtime. Remember who's in charge (whoever is doing the cooking).

• Cook together. Let your children help with the cooking. It's not fast, and it's often messy. But learning to cook teaches children how to take care of themselves and how to eat healthfully. Plus, not so incidentally, kids really like it. (And they do get better at it with time.) They are also more likely to eat the food when they've been part of its preparation (see above).

• Keep healthful food in the house. That seems like a no-brainer, but check your pantry and refrigerator. Is it stocked with soda, chips and sweets? If so, don't be surprised if your child chooses those foods. As the parent, you're the gatekeeper, at least when your children are young.


Take a cue from the marketers and make good food visible in your kitchen. That means fresh fruit on the counter where the kids will see it (if you leave it in the refrigerator, no one will find it).

Behind every overweight child, there is an overweight parent or two and, often, an overweight family. Eat better together.

• Expand your food horizons. Try new foods occasionally. "Oftentimes, parents give in too easily," said Story, about children who are squeamish about new food. "We've seen in our research that when you increase fruits and vegetables in preschool settings, children will eat them.

"Those parents said, 'I can't believe that my child would eat broccoli' when they see them eat it in preschool. Oftentimes, unfamiliar foods need to be presented numerous times in a neutral context for kids to like them."


Lee Svitak Dean, mother of three, with 24 years of child-raising recently behind her, has supervised 26,280 meals for her family during those years. And she still likes to cook.   Copyright © 2010, South Florida Sun-Sentinel

butterfly kisses and thank you....

first and foremost...thank you for all your supportive comments on my vlog confession.   i was so scared to talk about my not healthy behavior.    but the admitting i am not perfect, prone to making mistakes and the world keeps spinning is part of the work i am trying to understand in therapy right now.   seriously, my narcissism and other issues cause me to not handle disappointing other very well.   but more than that -- i need to learn that no one, except myself, puts this unrealistic pressure on myself to be perfect and give off that perfect appearance.

so.  since i am taking a two week break from therapy i left with a few assignments.   most are complete -- but not all.   as the nightly "i am in the keys" euphoria and red wine kicks in this week, i will work through some more stuff here.   so far i can check the following off my list:  throwing out scale, covering mirrors, sharing my imperfections and reaching out to others when i am struggling (it was suggested i pick up the phone and do this with a friend.  i am preferring to blog -- such as my blog entry after my mom upset me).   

the assignment i still need to work on is composing a list of behaviors and thoughts that are helpful to the lap band journey and a list of behaviors that are not healthy.    i need to write this out.  most are in my mind.   also, part of this exercise is to not classify them as "good" or "bad".   also, i still need to work on the body checking stuff.   i caught myself standing in front of the hotel mirror a lot the last couple days.   and now we are at our vacation rental and there is a scale in the bathroom!!!!  i know i can hide it.   but right now we are having a standoff...lol.  yeah me and the scale.   i also had an eye-opening instance with the princess today.   i mentioned in my vlog that i have been going up to the grocery store a lot to weigh myself since getting rid of the scale.    today we were at the grocery store down here in the keys and as we were leaving my daughter asked me if she could weigh herself.   the thing is we were not at the entrance with the scale and as i noticed that i said "oh, let's go out the other door".  did not say anything about the scale but that is when she asked if she could weigh herself.  UGH.   what the fuck am i doing to myself?  to her?   UGH.

anyhoo... back to the keys.... today we went to the butterfly conservatory in key west.   it was so nice.  i love butterflies as you can see from my blog.   both as a species and symbolically.  

the next week down here will be pretty low key.   the princess and i came up with a list of things we want to do.  then i wrote them out on small pieces of paper and folded them up in a bowl.  each night she gets to pick a piece of paper and that tells us what we are doing the next day.   tomorrow we are going to the turtle hospital!   will most likely find a beach to picnic and swim at too.

wednesday night we will drive home (3 hours) because kindergarten orientation is thursday morning.   that's right...it is time to honor my kindergarten challenge!  linda, are you ready?  i think i am.    then after orientation on thursday morning we will drive back down to the keys and finish out our vacation.  

i have to tell you -- this vacation has been the best.   it is so easy to get around key west and i am more willing to enjoy things now that i am not lugging that extra 150 pounds around.   it was kind of a new experiment for me to go on the snorkeling boat and them just give me a "normal" vest and not have to go pull out a "special" one.   also, the maturity and natural curiosity the princess is displaying right now makes everything easier.

until next time....

a vlog....

about eating disorder behavior and our upcoming vacation to the Keys with a cameo by The Princess™.   and some dancing too.... made it yesterday...

this took me FOREVER to upload....so you better watch it!  lol.

i need new pajamas and to consider toning....

sigh.   i have been hanging onto my old pajamas since this whole ordeal (dramatic much, heidi?) started.  i have a great pajama collection.     i am a "real" pajamas girl.  matching sets.  cute stuff.   my favorite pair is this well worn, perfectly soft pink/purple set.   it is so big on me that when i go downstairs in them i have to pull the pants waist band well over my chest to make sure i do not trip on them and this is with the cute purple satin waist ribbon pulled tight. 

so.....this morning we are walking goosey and ziggy.   ziggy is done with his business and goosey is taking her sweet time looking for the perfect "ziggy-free" spot.   so i tell the princess to take ziggy in the house.    WELL...she decided to take his leash off right at the front door....which has not been a problem in the past because he would walk right into the house.   not today.   since i was still outside he decided to come find me.   so when i turned around to see what the princess was screaming about (poor thing) i see a leash-less ziggy standing in the yard looking at me.   as soon as we made eye contact --- he took off.   let's just say that he ran and ran and ran to the other side of my development.   along a canal.  almost into a major street.  finally some guy came out of his house with his english bulldog and ziggy ran over to say hi and the guy grabbed ziggy for me.   this was at least 20 minutes after the chase began.

what does this have to do with my pajamas?  well, i should also tell you that i do not wear panties in my pajamas.   so i am running around my development, along a canal, almost into a major street tripping over my pajama pants that are falling down.   yes.  my very white jiggly ass kept peeping out.    oh but it wasn't just my ass.  oh no.   it was my oh-so-(not)-attractive hanging skin stomach flopping around.  making noises as it slapped against my body nonetheless.    and it wasn't just the bottom half of my body.  oh no.   it was my now ultra-saggy boobs.   the left one going to the right.  the right one going over my shoulder.   and of course my pajama top is like a dress on me now so there is no support there -- at all.   the thing only touches me on my shoulders.     i was like the mel brooks version of bo derek running on the beach.   except it was wet florida grass which is very slippery first thing in the morning when you are losing your pants.   NOT GOOD.  

so i stand in front of this neighbor guy i have never met before.   pull my drawstring ultra tight.   tuck my gigantic shirt into my gigantic bottoms and start the long walk back to my side of the development.   then i think "SHIT -- THE PRINCESS!!!!" and start having major horrible thoughts that she took off to find ziggy and me and is now lost, scared or WORST.   

thank gawd she was the ONLY smart one in our family this morning and went into the house and sat on the stairs and waited for us.  of course she was upset thinking she lost ziggy (not too worried about mommy mooning the neighborhood though).  but she was -- thank gawd -- safe and sound.  smart kid.

this weekend we are investing in some pajamas for mommy.   and maybe some with built in firm bras.   lol. 

celebrating mother's day...

and working on discovering my inner MILF.   i started this journey telling you i was doing this for my daughter and only her.  they i decided i was doing it *really* to be a skinny bitch.   but here on mother's day 2010...i am proclaiming to the world that my weight loss goal is not be a better mom, sit in a kindergarten chair, be a skinny bitch or even be healthy.  my weight loss goal is to be a MILF.  ;-)

the princess is a frickin mood today.  took her to the dog park and playground and she had major meltdowns.   came home.   told her to go to her room for a time out/rest and she slammed her door (the first time) and screamed at me she was moving away because i am the.worst.mom.ever.  lol

so in light of that i am blogging, cruising the net and having a grand ole time on mother's day being ignored.  for real!

prior to all the drama we actually had some fun taking "fashion girl" pictures.

yes, i "let" the princess go out in public wearing an undershirt, butterfly tights and a yellow tutu.

father's day 2006.  siz 5x outfit out of a catalog.

mother's day 2010.  size 18 (not plus 18) head to toe.

Happy Mother's Day to all the Skinny Moms out there....

catching up on my tan...

i really don't know why i am not blogging lately. nothing is wrong. actually, quite the opposite. everything is great.

i am feeling good. i am active. and really the band has gotten to be such a "non-issue" for me. which is exactly where i wanted to be by now.

back in late december, at support group, we listed some long and short term goals. one of my short term goals was to hit the 50 pound mark and really own/work the band. i can definitely say at the 66 pound mark i am doing that. right now i am living my life to the fullest -- in relative terms, of course.

i bought myself a bike for mother's day.  and the princess and i have been riding everywhere.  i totally love "working on my tan" on it.  lol. 

this past weekend we loaded the bikes on the car and headed down to the Florida Keys.  There is a speciality shop down there that I like to get my bathing suits from and it was time to upgrade into suits that will not fall off me this summer.   also, they do a good bra fitting and carry top-shelf bras.   size-wise i am wearing a size 18 bathing suit and 36 bra size....i will spare you the cup size...lol...

we were able to get in a waterside/roadside picnic, a bike ride, a swim in the atlantic and a couple hours at a tiki bar.  good for my soul.

tonight is support group.  this will be my 3rd week in a row since i missed 3 weeks in a row.  i have to say, i am having a hard time adjusting.   but i know i need to keep going...so i will.   since talking with my therapist about the "n-word" stuff and sitting back at group more i can tell you that they are nothing but a bunch of narcissist.  lol.  and it is annoying.  what they don't know is that *my* therapist will be visiting our group in a couple weeks as a guest speaker and she is going to be exploring the whole narcissism / food addiction connection with them.  lol. 

the princess and i have been keeping busy. here are some pics of our good times...

Me and the Princess playing "Fashion Girls".  She really likes that I am wearing more "girl clothes" lately.

My Mother's Day present to myself...a new bike!

The princess and I at John Pennekamp Park on Saturday.  I asked the creepy guy taking our picture to get all of us and our bikes that we were standing in front of in the pic....but i think he was only looking at one thing...

The princess took this of me during our roadside picnic in Islamorada (mid/upper Keys) on Saturday.  I can't say enough how much i love the Florida Keys...

Princess and me on a bench in John Pennekamp Park taking a break from our bike ride.

The princess at Gilbert's Tiki Bar in Key Largo.  I have a feeling you will be finding us here a lot this summer.

Me goofing on the actress Sharon Gless (Cagney and Lacey) at the Miami Premiere of the movie Hannah Free.  There are a series of shots where I am acting like a crazy stalker.  And one final one of my friend J giving her rabbit ears.  lol.

And finally, a real one of me and Sharon Gless.  Check out those ciggies in the cleavage!  lol

the joke was on me...

on wednesday i noticed i was getting hungry pretty fast and eating more than i "should" so i called the surgeon's office for a fill.   i did not get a fill because i was at my sweet spot two weeks ago at my monthly check-up and BAM it was gone.  so, of course, my daydream as i drove to the surgeon's office yesterday was that i would jump on the dreaded scale and see i lost 8 pounds in two weeks...NO.  2 pound loss in 2 weeks.   not acceptable.  i was so bummed.  the PA i see could see it.  i wouldn't do my usual chitchat.  i was knocked off my pedestal....big time.  i took a 1/4 of cc fill.   she says that at this point the fills are smaller.  i hope this brings me back to where i was.  so the PA and i talked and of course she talked to me about exercise.  ugh. 

so....i left there in.a.mood.  fine, i thought, i won't go back to the office and i won't pick the princess up early...i will go home and walk the fucking 2 miles around my neighborhood.  and then maybe, just maybe, i will get in the pool and do laps.   then...i drove past a fabulous shopping center and what is better than pigging out and/or exercising...that's right -- SHOPPING!!!!!  so i ended up going into old navy in the first time in years.  i know, i know, we are supposed to be boycotting them after their jeans were so mean to Jen.  but i promise i did not even look at the jeans rack.  no instead i went into the dressing room with a 2XL dress.  came out buying an XL dress!  then i went to payless and got a cute pair of flats and then Avenue for a bolero type top to wear over the dress since the dress is a tube maxi dress.  and by that time i.felt.much.better.  and, of course, by that time there was no time to really get a good exercise in so i went to whole foods to stock up on fresh soups for the next couple of post-fill days.   and by then there really was no time to do anything so i went to pay a bill in person.  who pays a bill in person in 2010?  a person avoiding reality named heidi who weighs 256 pounds...that's who.

finally, i went and got the princess from school and we did come home and go in the pool but i basically stood in a good spot for tanning.  i did move my legs a little but not much.  

last night i had 3 small chocolate eggs that the princess brought home from school.  yeah...i stole candy from my underweight kid to sabotage my weight loss.  lol.

(please don't feel sorry for me.  i am definitely not as upset today as i was yesterday and i know it will get better)

so then i got into bed and decided to catch up on all my Ruby episodes i have been dvr'ing.   i know, she is a kooky evangelical annoying virgin -- but i LOVE her!  so the final episode i caught up on was where she was challenged to change up 5 things in weight loss journey.  the idea behind that was that insanity is doing the same thing and expecting different result.  hmmmmm.  something to think about.  and of course one of my 5 things is to exercise and make it part of my routine.  i am still not sure what my other four things are but will think about it some more and most likely blog about it.

it is another day in paradise here.   the princess and i are going to a waterpark today with other lesbian families.  but first i am taking clothes to the consignment store.   i have been doing great with my consignments.  so far i have been able to walk in and "buy" new clothes and not had to lay out any money.   this latest trip pretty much clears me out.  i am at that awkward stage where i am not yet an 18/20 but i am definitely not a 22/24.   and, babbling amy, for the record...i am bringing in 8 pairs of jeans today and that leaves me with only THREE pairs of jeans.   the horror! 

i gave in to my whim....

today was free cone day at ben and jerry's.  as a quick sidebar... i was fired from the ben and jerry's in charlotte, nc when i was in college because i kept showing up to work in birkenstocks.  go figure....anyhoo...despite my early termination i have always remained loyal to the brand.   so who am i to let a little lap-band and ice cream fatwa stand in the way of free cone day 2010?  

i had made plans for me, the princess and a couple other people to go tonight.   it was like the chubby hubby stars had aligned themselves perfectly for me...easy street parking.  no line.  they invited us to come back in for more.  but i did not do it.  i did not even have one lick of the princess' vanilla ice cream.  i did not even steal one m&m off the top.  nothing. nada.  just sat out in the sun and relaxed.

so afterwards, i decided to reward myself and go down the street  from b&js and buy myself a necklace i had seen a couple months ago when i was a on date in the same area.   kind of a whim, kind of not.  i had told myself at the time when i reached 50 pounds band loss i would get it.  but then 54 pound loss came so easily i didn't really think much about a reward.  but today i decided it was fine time for a reward...so i went and bought myself this necklace.    not sure if you see the text but it says my tagline..."just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, it became a butterfly".  i really think this is the tagline of my weight loss journey.  this metamorphosis is at time overwhelming and at other times just so much damn fun.

in other news...i think i may be losing some restriction.  if i feel hungry all day tomorrow i am going to get a fill.  i am hoping this is a just a weird fluke today. 

spring is here in south florida and i am at my peak.  i just love it.  in fact, i have scheduled myself off or half days for the next week and a half.   this weather is so good for my soul.

have a great night! 

lots on my mind...

i have been pretty reflective since my visit to the mental health counselor last week.   nothing too deep....but i have allowed myself to step back and just "observe" my life and my interactions with my parents, daughter and food.   nothing earth shattering revealed.  there is definitely a problem.   but there is most likely a good solution for all involved.   right now i am still at the point that i don't want to do anything that will hurt my mom.  i know through therapy i will get past those feelings.

here are some snippets:

my mom told me that she was mentioning to someone that not only is her daughter "disappearing", she never seems me anymore because i "don't really eat much anymore".   er.  um.  houston..i think we have a problem.... lol

i have become increasingly aware, and perhaps uncomfortable, with the amount of times i call my parents a day.   and more importantly, i am realizing how much i am training the princess to do this.

step by step.  day by day.  i will worry about crossing the river when i get to it.... <--- speaking of those mantras....i forgot to mention last week that i talked to the therapist last week about being overwhelmed with the idea of not knowing what i will look like as i continue to lose since i have not been this low in my adult life.   she had the best response... i don't need to worry about that since it really is gradual and continual.  duh.

which brings me to this mind-blowing news... i jumped on my parents WiiFit this weekend.  this is the scale that is exactly the same as my surgeon's -- where i do my once a month official (and sometimes only) weigh-in.   as of yesterday i weight 258.  WTF?   when you weigh 373...when you weigh 312....when you weigh 299.... someone in the 250s sounds soooooooooooooooooooo much less and sooooooooooooooooo skinny.    my official monthly check-in is next monday but since i have to travel that day for work and won't be able to go i am going to try to get in this week sometime.

which brings me to...restriction... still have it, and i have to say that i am still SURPRISED every morning when i think i am hungry before i start and lo and behold i am feeling good with just a shake.   i do feel it starting to wear off a little.   i am able to get in a little more food but not that much.  i am not sure if i need a fill yet or not.  i think the idea of being "in the green" and in the 250s is just so foreign to me i don't know what to think...lol...

last week i was finding that i was mindlessly eating at dinner and getting stuck.  3 vomits, in fact.  it was a busy week and lots of road time so i found myself just wanting to zone out and watch tv.   and all the vomits happened on TV nights.   lesson learned (maybe).

this weekend i ate pretty much every lunch and dinner out.  i had not problems with getting stuck or even pressure in my chest.  i find it interesting to observe that i am better at monitoring my intake when i am in public with people.    i also have soooooooooooo many leftovers for the week.  yay!  lots of diversity and i won't just go to the safe stand-bys of cottage cheese or fish.

on saturday the princess and i did a charity walk with our dog and a group from my wls support group.  it was a little over a mile and we had fun.  you can see by the picture that my dog likes to stay anonymous on the internet.   

afterwards the princess, dog and i went to my favorite "eat-outside" restarurant in the gay ghetto.   while sipping my red-pepper gouda soup i easedropped on the two women at the next table.   one was going on and on about going to "women's night" at a local gay bar and how all the women were either super-butch (manly in straight terms) or "50 pounds overweight".   so now knowing and accepting that many people should really weigh 140 and that is not a sign of anerexia (lol) "50 pounds overweight" to this skinny bitch (not the good kind of skinny bitch that i am) is still under 200.   damn.  that pissed me off.   so when she started making goo-goo eyes at my dog i pretended not to hear her.  mature, i know.  but i was just so let down by the image obesssed gay community i live in down here.  

in addition to the group walk, i took my parents dogs to the dog park yesterday and borrowed my mom's bike (a grandma 3-wheeler that i secret covet) and rode with the princess for a while.   just don't tell me i exercised and we will be ok.  lol. 

tonight is support group.  i think it is the mental health counselor that checks in with us once a month.   more later...