weird.

while nothing traumatic happened today....i feel like, as i sit here quietly reflecting on the day, that it was a roller coaster of ups and downs.   

the morning started out with a mammogram.  a couple weeks ago i felt something in my left breast.   my nurse practitioner at the obgyn felt it at my annual exam the same week and thought it could just be dense breast tissue but sent me for a mammo anyways.   i found myself all morning chanting in my head: "i can not die.  i am my daughter's only real parent.   i can not die.  i am a mom".   i am not sure who i was chanting to.   God.  a Higher Power.  Myself.   The Wind.  i am not sure.   but i emotionally exhausted myself.    my mammo was negative and there were no concerns.  i am good to go for another year.   it was not until later when i read the report that i actually laughed.  it says: "There has been interval decrease in size of the breasts compatible with interval weight loss".  LOL.  there was not conversations about me losing weight.  there was no scale.  i guess the two deflated water balloons at my waistband gave it all away!!!   as i told a friend today....should the need arise, i could tuck my boobs into my pants if needed.   seriously.  it is a good thing i can now tuck in my shirts and wear a good belt.   because now i have something to tuck in,  my boobs.  lol.

after the mammo i went to the mall.  i had a 40% off coupon and wanted to get a jacket at the Gap.  i didn't get it.   i didn't get anything.  everything looked sloppy on me.   it was weird.  not to buy anything because the larges were sloppy on me.   i was bummed.  but i wasn't.  just a weird feeling.

next stop was my department's holiday party.   i am a department director and we were sharing our party with three other departments.   the luncheon was at the Improv.    as department director i had to put on my hostess face and mingle with everyone.   i actually enjoyed that part as i have career threads back to the other three departments and it was just great seeing former employees and co-workers i never get to see anymore.   due to the nature of these departments most are men.   good ole boy blue collar men.  i love them.    they were cute.   most have not seen me for a while so there were lots of kisses and hugs and quite a few "ma'am, is it ok if i tell you that you are looking great?".   so cute.    in general terms, i can say that the women fell into three categories.... the fat ones avoided me.   the thin ones were all over me.   and the third category i will address separately below as it is one specific person.    but back to the first two categories... first i HATE that i am now the person who could possibly make an overweight person feel bad.  really.  because for my whole life i was on the other end.   but one of the thin ones said something that gave me pause for thought....we had greeted each other when she arrived.  and later when we were all eating she got up and came across the room and whispered to me: "i don't know if you get tired of heating this but i just want you to know that you really are looking great."   and i told her "thank you.  and no, i don't get tired of hearing it".   i know i sound so fucking full of myself here.   but in that moment i made a commitment to myself to embrace the attention.  enjoy it.   i deserve it.  it makes me feel good.  and it is about damn time i feel good about myself.   

so...the specific woman that has sent me to my blog this evening is the woman who talked me into not only having the surgery but directed me use my surgeon.   she is the woman that saved my life.   she is not only an employee but also a constituent for the government i work for.   in the summer of 2009 i ran into her at a council meeting and complimented her on her weight loss.   it was during a lunch break from the meeting and she told me to grab my lunch from the line and go sit in the hall with her.   and sitting there in the hall she told me she had surgery.   i told her how i looked into surgery before and was not sure if it was for me.  she told me to do it.  just like that.  she told me she did because her son wanted to do it and she was scared of him dying.  they did it together to save their lives together.   she told me to call my surgeon.  to use her name.   i don't know why, but i listened to her after avoiding this surgery for 4 years.  she is the woman who saved my life.     i have told her this many times over the last year.   the last time i saw her (a couple months ago) she told me she gained 40 pounds.   i didn't think she looked like it then.  today, i noticed the gain.  it is so much more.   i am sad.  i am scared.  i know.  i know.  i know just because she has gained weight does not mean i will.   but....sigh.  what a fucking mindfuck.   seeing her today.   nevermind, the uncomfortable greeting between us.   how i felt her eyes on me the whole time i was working the room.    the little voice in my head has already told me that i should go out to her community in the next couple weeks and visit with her and give her the strength that she gave me.    i owe that much to the woman who saved my life.  

i have to interject here that i am also happy that my holiday season obligations are now over.  hannukah has passed.  i have hosted three parties in my home.  hosted my work party.   and i am done.   done.  done with the socializing.  done with the food.  just done to enjoy the next couple weeks without many obligations.

tonight i ended up back at the mall.   the princess wanted to go to Stir Crazy and make her own dinner and i was in the mood for ahi tuna anyways.   then we went to old navy.   i got a couple sweaters.   then i bought myself faux uggs at Skechers.   i am still not sure why i did that.  they were only $30.   and they are kind of cute.  but i am 38 years old and live in florida.  lol.    the princess walked off with a new sweater and a pillow pet (unicorn to go with her panda). 

speaking of dinner... i have some crazy restriction going on right now.  not sure if it is from some work stress or the cold weather but i am tight.  not too tight but very much at a sweet spot and aware of the band doing its job. 

just a weird day.  like i said, nothing traumatic or crazy....just a lot of swings in my emotions.   like at times the weight loss is so dominant in my experience and at other times it is so far removed from what i am feeling.  

new boobs, new boots and a cute waitress

this is going to be quick and dirty....because i can barely sit up straight from the excruciating pain in my back.

my birthday in bullet points:

• surgeon thinks he can get insurance to cover my breast reduction and the cutting off of my stomach apron (i forget the medical term...starts with "P").  
• i would then cover the minor "tummy tuck" part since my insurance will be paying for the anesthesia, etc.    the tummy tuck will pull everything tight.  and then maybe Amy W. will leave Heather for my killer abs.  whatevah.
• he showed me pics of someone who had deflated and long hanging boobs like me.   she now has a nice perky C cup.  i can totally live with that after years of lying about being a DDD when i am really bigger.
• he is willing to break his "3 months" after goal weight rule for me.  i could barely sit unsupported on the exam table because my back hurt so bad this morning.    he wants to get close to my one year lap band anniversary date at the very least.
• insurance could take up to a month to approve.   then you usually get a 3 month time frame for the approval.  this puts me close to my november anniversary --- so the good lord willing and the crick don't rise i could be "fixed" anywhere from thanksgiving to xmas.
• my arms and thighs need to completely deflate (3 months after goal) before he will do them.
• i like the idea of a surgically conservative plastic surgeon.   his office is close to south beach and i think he is a rarity in this arena.
• he got me an appointment with his brother the chiropractor tomorrow.  which will help with this pain that left me in tears in the bloomingdales dressing room tonight and help with insurance documentation.
• once he saw a picture of the princess he started talking about making an arranged marriage for his 7 year old boy and her.  funny.
• he got chocked up.  silent.  disbelief when he saw my "before" picture.  when i could finally speak he said "you and Dr. Bass saved your life".
• my upper staff took me to PF Changs for lunch today.   our waitress was gorgeous.  like a perfect mix between betty page and veronica lodge (archie comics).   gorgeous.  silver eyes.  black curly hair.   red lips.  i think i am going to PF Changs again next week.  lol.  without the staff.  lol. 
• staff got me a disney gift card for my birthday.   they do it every year and every year i am thrilled.
• my boss and his staff gave me a surprise hello kitty cake at the office.   lol.
• spent the evening at the mall with the princess.  i went on a major shopping spree.  the new DKNY perfume i have wanted.  three new sweaters, a shirt and a dress and new brown boots.   shopping therapy.  needed it.

and finally, i had a major emotional freakout and breakdown today.  i will address it another day here.  i need to get it out.  long story short...if i am going to blog about new beginnings and coping skills ---- i might want to read my own blog and learn from it.   if i am going to talk about honesty and integrity i may want to consider not trying to control the access to that honesty.   if i am going to bust my ass all year to make it to my 38th birthday i may want to act like i am 38 and not 14. 

and one more thing... i just need to get this out.  the pain is overwhelming.   last month i could walk the mall for FOUR hours, if not more.  tonight i could barely do 2 hours.  these last 20 pounds have pushed my body to this place of pain.   here it goes:  i did not lose 160 FUCKIN pounds to be almost crippled by the end of the day and to have to avoid certain fashion styles because of my skin.  whew.  done.  thanks.

good night.  sweet dreams.  i am off to pop a pain killer.

i need new pajamas and to consider toning....

sigh.   i have been hanging onto my old pajamas since this whole ordeal (dramatic much, heidi?) started.  i have a great pajama collection.     i am a "real" pajamas girl.  matching sets.  cute stuff.   my favorite pair is this well worn, perfectly soft pink/purple set.   it is so big on me that when i go downstairs in them i have to pull the pants waist band well over my chest to make sure i do not trip on them and this is with the cute purple satin waist ribbon pulled tight. 

so.....this morning we are walking goosey and ziggy.   ziggy is done with his business and goosey is taking her sweet time looking for the perfect "ziggy-free" spot.   so i tell the princess to take ziggy in the house.    WELL...she decided to take his leash off right at the front door....which has not been a problem in the past because he would walk right into the house.   not today.   since i was still outside he decided to come find me.   so when i turned around to see what the princess was screaming about (poor thing) i see a leash-less ziggy standing in the yard looking at me.   as soon as we made eye contact --- he took off.   let's just say that he ran and ran and ran to the other side of my development.   along a canal.  almost into a major street.  finally some guy came out of his house with his english bulldog and ziggy ran over to say hi and the guy grabbed ziggy for me.   this was at least 20 minutes after the chase began.

what does this have to do with my pajamas?  well, i should also tell you that i do not wear panties in my pajamas.   so i am running around my development, along a canal, almost into a major street tripping over my pajama pants that are falling down.   yes.  my very white jiggly ass kept peeping out.    oh but it wasn't just my ass.  oh no.   it was my oh-so-(not)-attractive hanging skin stomach flopping around.  making noises as it slapped against my body nonetheless.    and it wasn't just the bottom half of my body.  oh no.   it was my now ultra-saggy boobs.   the left one going to the right.  the right one going over my shoulder.   and of course my pajama top is like a dress on me now so there is no support there -- at all.   the thing only touches me on my shoulders.     i was like the mel brooks version of bo derek running on the beach.   except it was wet florida grass which is very slippery first thing in the morning when you are losing your pants.   NOT GOOD.  

so i stand in front of this neighbor guy i have never met before.   pull my drawstring ultra tight.   tuck my gigantic shirt into my gigantic bottoms and start the long walk back to my side of the development.   then i think "SHIT -- THE PRINCESS!!!!" and start having major horrible thoughts that she took off to find ziggy and me and is now lost, scared or WORST.   

thank gawd she was the ONLY smart one in our family this morning and went into the house and sat on the stairs and waited for us.  of course she was upset thinking she lost ziggy (not too worried about mommy mooning the neighborhood though).  but she was -- thank gawd -- safe and sound.  smart kid.

this weekend we are investing in some pajamas for mommy.   and maybe some with built in firm bras.   lol. 

Chicago -- No Dice

so...it has been a busy week at work and in life in general. 

because i am a solo-parent, all my independent travel depends on my parents' ability to watch the princess.  it usually works out.  ironically, they have a professional event in the keys the same weekend of the BOOBS chicago trip...while i can scramble and take my babysitter or a friend to chicago with me to watch the princess, i have decided not to.  i have talked about some road trips with my good friends and we have decided to go to vegas the first weekend in october (the week after BOOBS).    it will also be right around that time that i will hit my 100 post-surgery weight loss.   one of my goals has always been to go on some kind of trip to celebrate 100 pounds.  i am going to make this vegas trip that trip.

sorry to back out of chicago, but i am looking forward to hearing all about it!

in other news...some how, these same friends has talked me into climbing kilimanjaro.   our traget date is september 2011.  16 months away.   we have started "talking" about our training plan.  lol..   honestly, this in not something i have ever thought about but i am really excited now about the idea.  stay tuned for out upcoming blog about our adventures...

i am going to wrap this up and go run some errands.  there is a fundraiser down the street for a little girl in our town who got beat up (REALLY bad) by a boy --- so I want to stop by there...i am out of my shakes so i need to pick those up...and as long as it does not rain my plan is to walk the 0.8 mile up to get my nails done... and then it is South Beach tonight....woohoo.

weird dreams...

i know i was utterly exhausted last night after the whirlwind disney trip.  the princess can not walk and do the required standing at disney so i also have to push an almost 5 year old in a stroller all day.  that sounds more dramatic than it is.  she can walk...she is just unable to do long distances or times.  good thing i am not carrying my own extra weight...

but anyhoo....i had the weirdest dreams last night...the first was that we were each assigned a "section" in our support group.  i don't remember all the sections but mine was exercise.  i was supposed to lead my group in exercise every session.   in my dream i just lost it.  hysterically cried.   i was so upset.  then in my dream someone said something about my boobs and i got even more upset. (yes, i even dream about my boobs) and i was trying to explain to our leader (who in the dream was a lesbian author i know) that i didn't want to lead the exercise because i didn't want everyone to see my boobs flopping around.   dun, dun, dun....as a believer in the meaning of dreams i am thinking i may be onto a little of what the fat represents.  let's just say that having real boobs in the 5th grade is a very hard thing.  so expect some more exploration of this in future blogs.

then i had a dream that all the guys at work and my dad were opening up some kind of weight loss center that was related to the lap-band.  it was only a $3,000 investment to open a franchise.  weird. 

moving on.... disney was great.  got a couple progress/comparison shots.  i will share one here...

September 14, 2009 (bad bra, huh?)

January 24, 2010

the changes in my face are just amazing.

have a great day.  i plan to catch up on the blog at lunch today.  seeing the shrink after work.  then support group.  hopefully no crying.  lol.

forget the 44DD bra!

my happy ass is sitting here in size 24 "straight" jeans that i bought today without trying on to put away for a future NSV.    woo hoo.  no sucking it in to get them on.  no laying back on the bed.  i own this one. 

woo hoo.

weekend wrap-up...

so...while i was making grown women cry (yes, again) this weekend...you all were blogging. i am going through the blogs right now. i really want to be a good blog-citizen and follow your journeys closely and give substantial feedback. i know how much i love to get feedback.


YAY Glee for the Golden Globes win.

lots going on here. today is a day off from work. this weekend i collected some food from various people i know and today the princess and i delivered them to Food for the Poor which has its distribution center close to my house. they are an amazing organization. i totally believe in them. they were taking the donations and putting them right into boxes on crates for immediate shipping.

i have added my name to an active list for the possibility of fostering a haitian child. a local group that i have actually volunteered (not as a foster parent, though) on and off for since high school put out a call through the gay parenting community for names of people who are interested. did you know that Florida is the ONLY state in which gays and lesbians can not legally adopt children through the state? we ARE allowed to be foster parents. we are just not allowed to adopt these children who are available for adoption and who, in some cases, have lived with us for 13, 14, 15 years. insane. unfair. and just fucking wrong. of the gay and lesbian foster parents i have known in my life -- from other parts of the country as well -- so many of them are willing to take on the medically needy kids. the kids that are hard to place. the kids that are not attractive to others for adoption. but for whatever reason, we take them. we love them. we make them whole again. but we can not adopt them here in florida. prior to becoming pregnant with the princess i was going through the process of being licensed as a foster parent. of course, my goal was to foster and lead to adoption. my mama-urge was very strong once i turned 30. i decided to not go the foster route because i knew of the adoption issues. i also knew i could "lie" and not live my life honestly (as some i know have done) to get to the adoption table. but i don't trust the state. right now the gay adoption ban is arbitrated through the courts. i want legal protection. no regrets taking the route i did...the princess is the most perfect child someone could ask for...but my heart breaks for the babies i am not ALLOWED to be a forever mom to. and, florida legislature, i think i have proven my ability to be a traditional, damn good parent time and time again in the last 5 years! ok...i will get off my social injustice soapbox.

had a good time going out and socializing this weekend.

saturday night i went to a spoken word event. i think i am going to submit something for the april event. i want it to be about weight loss. i want it to be funny. i am thinking of doing a spoof on my blogging. i have some time to work on it.

ok...enough avoiding the weight stuff....let's see. i am doing the Love Me challenge. this means i need to jump on the scale once a week. i am weighing myself at my mom's. i don't like it. according to my mom's scale i have only lost 1 pound this week. i am upset. i am seeing some "giving up" on the band and sabotage behavior creeping in. UGH. i want to be in the challenge. i want to lose weight. i am scared that i CAN'T. UGH.

but onto the positive thoughts i keep reminding myself of...my skinny clothes are getting sloppy on me. my dad gave me a great compliment when i saw him on saturday. i feel good. i know there is an end in sight.

i did go bra shopping today. i went in wearing a 46DDD and left buying two 44DD. (what would be a post without talking about my boobs?) oh and speaking of my boobs... lol... tonight at support group our guest speaker is a plastic surgeon. i know it is a long ways off for me...but i am kind of psyched. i can't wait for the boob lift i have been wanting since high school!!!

i enjoyed doing pilates and i am proud that i did it. but i do not think it is for me right now. it is not so much that it is hard --- it is uncomfortable and at 280 pounds, let's face it, i do not have the body nor flexibility that is required. maybe i will revisit it in a couple months. i know i need to find another form of exercise. but i am not sure what yet.

this has gotten long.  i am going to finish up here and go back to being a gay biological mom in florida.  lol.

random stuff....haiti, pilates, grrl drama, clothes, my boobs...

i feel like i have not posted in for-evah.   work has gotten busy after a couple months of downtime.  i can not complain.   some random cacth-up thoughts...

haiti...this has really put me in a funk this week.   living in south florida i have a lot of haitians in my life.  be it friends of mine, friends of my daughter, co-workers or even my favorite cashier at the grocery store.    my daughter's little "boyfriend" at school is haitian.   i have not seen him all week nor his mom during pick-up/drop-off.  if i don't see them today i am going to try to get with the family this weekend to see what i can do.

when i was in middle school my parents brought in a nanny for me and my sister.   she was haitian and i will leave the circumstances of her coming here and her past life in haiti out of this...but i will tell you she was a loving woman.  fun.  crazy.   most nights my mom cooked dinner.  but on sundays Gigi cooked us her food.   as an upper middle class jewish kid in the south florida jewish suburbs i learned early a love of plantains, rice,  succulent meats.   one of my favorite memories with Gigi is that my parents sent her to english class at the local community school.   the classes were on the weekend and she and i would take the public bus out to the campus and i would sit in class with her.   it was so funny and cool to meet so many recent immigrants and laugh with them about our funny language.   Gigi eventually made a life for herself here and a couple years ago my dad actually ran into her at the home depot in my new neighborhood.    i have been thinking a lot about her.  about her family she left to come here -- including a daughter who was younger than me when she used to care for me.  

pilates....i had my first session on wednesday.   it was an hour.    she did not baby me.   i did everything on the machine.  there was only one thing i could not do.  it was the last thing we tried.   i was standing in front of the chair on the pilates tower and standing on the tension bar and i was supposed to push myself up and do tricep exercises.   i could not get my body weight in the air.   i am going to sign up for 10 sessions and stick with this.  i have been in some pain the last couple days.  nothing too bad.  my inner thighs.  my midsection (pilates core).

grrl stuff....i decided to give the woman i was seeing another chance.   i also decided to stop fighting it a little and just have fun.  being the control freak that i am this is a major step for me.

my size 26 jeans are getting ridiculously loose on me.   my consignment earnings will not be available until feb. 15th so i may have to go buy a pair or two myself in the meantime.   i sent my last group of jeans to the babbling amy.   let me know if anyone else can use the 26s in a couple weeks.  if not, amy, they are yours!

i have a "work husband".  strictly platonic.  but our departments are functionally related and we interact a lot.   through this we have always been close.  he is married with 3 small kids.  i am a lesbian with a small kid.  we have fun and it makes the intense stuff we deal with at work easier.   i have noticed this week that he is obsessed with my new body.  again, not in a sexual way. (and these types of conversations start on both ends).  the other day he wanted to know if i was going to lose my boobs.  so i shared with him my desire for a lift.   then yesterday i was in his office brainstorming on a project.  as i left he asked me more questions about the weight loss.   he said an interesting thing... he wanted to know if the lap band was so non-invasive why more people didn't do it.   i thought that was such a cool comment from a tall skinny guy with a tall skinny wife....especially when i read so many people getting negative comments about the surgery.