i am just going to lay it all out there....i am feeling like a head case the past couple days. how does the old saying go? you can take the fat out of the girl but you can't take the girl out of the fat?
i kind of feel like debbie downer right now since i have new followers today. i want to be on my best behavior and dazzle you with my success and perfect band life.
sigh. that's not going to happen. lol.
at the beginning of last week i felt restriction. i was working the band.
by saturday night it was gone. or was it? i don't know anymore.
i don't remember what i ate saturday night. (old behavior -- using food like a drug. basically blocking out the bad behavior). i do know by sunday night i had 3 dinners. ok, 4. granted they were all (about) 3oz and spaced over 3 hours. but i was totally grazing. i failed the band and it failed me. i never got stuck. didn't feel restriction. nothing came back up. and i kept going back for more.
what else did i do wrong? i avoided my blog all weekend. which means i avoided reading other blogs for support. i avoided lbt. shit, i avoided everything.
today after some deep reflection i can say it was definitely a case of mind over matter.
why? oh, i'll tell you why. tomorrow is my 2 month post-op appointment which means it is --- dun, dun, dun --- weigh-in day. last time i weighed in i was 288. that was 3 weeks ago and it was 2 pounds down from the week before. so if everything goes as prescribed....i will be 282 tomorrow. well, maybe not. why? because 281.5 is my personal wall. that is the lowest i have gotten with any weight loss attempt in the last 10 years. and for whatever reason at 281.5 i stop. and my lovely bat shit crazy self decided to sabotage myself the last couple days. of course i did not realize this until after dinner number 4 last night (at 11:30PM)...
so what happens today? do i collect myself and move forward. nope. the old behaviors kick in. i neglect the lunch i packed for myself today and not only go out to lunch -- but i go an hour early. i start thinking about "starving" myself the rest of the day. so then i eat a small piece of candy to kick of my fast. i also start to think of the old weight watcher weigh-in day tricks... laxatives, water, etc. sigh.
i am happy to report it is not all doom and gloom. i did some things right. instead of going to book club i went to support group because i knew this week the mental health professional would be there. i spoke up and asked for help and listened respectfully when it was offered. even if it was uncomfortable. i am blogging.
part of me is so mad at myself for letting this wall, this figment of MY imagination get the best of me. i have the band. i have the tool. i know that during these first 6 months or so that i would have to work hard not to lose weight. not only can easily break through my wall, i can get pretty far away from it. but that inner bitch in me is too strong willed at times.
this post has exhausted me.... more tomorrow...
thank you all for your wonderful comments.... they really mean a lot to me.
I think we all have those mental blocks that sabotage us in ways we don't know. At least you realized it before you did crazy damage. I hope you go in tomorrow and weigh 280, but if not no big deal - you will in a week or two.
ReplyDeleteI know as I get closer to under 200 I get nervous because the last time I lost significant weight and was there (10 years ago) my life kind of fell apart. It had nothing really to do with my weigh but I associate the two things. I'm praying that I don't start to back pedal.
Sorry to leave such a long comment - I hope all goes well at your appointment tomorrow!
You had a slip, there is nothing you can do about those days, they are gone. Today is a new day! My appointments always give me a renewed determination after I leave. Sending some resolve your way!
ReplyDeleteOh, I feel you! I identify with everything you wrote. The one thing I advise is something that has really worked for me...I committed to myself that I would post on my blog EVERYTHING that I ate. It might be boring for a lot of people, but knowing I am going to do it has either kept me from eating stuff, especially during pre-op that was so torturous for me and even now in terms of portion control.
ReplyDeleteAnd maybe you do just need a fill...the band is there to help your self control. If we were so good as self control, we wouldn't need a band!
Okay, first of all, these are just the kind of posts I can appreciate. We are all struggling and when I read posts like these, I realize I am not alone, not failing, and neither are you. Good for you for going to the support meeting... I can't say I could have done the same thing... that is very brave. Keep up the good work and you will be kicking that wall down very soon.
ReplyDeleteBesides your mind not helping you out, you body has a set marker at the weights you have hit before...and it makes it a little harder to get over that hurdle. (I know this bc I am a doctor/scientist...okay...not really) But I have read that many places and NOT on LBT. The thing that I have found as I have lost weight this time, is that it just takes a little extra effort to get over that marker or wall. Drink a little more water, watch what you eat, and maybe exercise a little more and then you will be over the hump.
ReplyDeleteDont worry about being a debbie downer. It makes the rest of us feel better :) lol...no, it does bc we all go there!
Hang in there. I hear you on the weight marker. As I get closer to onederland, I find myself eating more and not losing and it's so incredibly frustrating. Don't worry about being a debbie downer. The best thing that you can do for yourself is blog or write about it. I always feel that for me it's great therapy to get it down on paper. Good for you for going to the support group! That was the first step in making better choices for yourself.
ReplyDeletethank you all for the support. i wish i had spoken up on saturday and stopped this small spiral sooner.... you guys are the best!
ReplyDelete