Karma is a bitch....

This one is going to be hard....

I have spent a lot of time working on my issues....my fear of not being perfect and fucking up. All this work got me to a place where I am at least aware of my fear....but to say I conquered it would be an out and out lie.

I am struggling. In life. Five words there. But so hard for ME to say.

I blame karma. Of course I blame karma because I can't break through that mental barrier and blame myself....

When was in high school I had a "best friend". We used to lay in my bed and hold our legs in the air and compare them. I may have been fat, but I had nice legs....and I made sure to tell her all the time that my legs were better than her. So a few years ago when I developed a hyper-pigmentation on my shins that makes me look bruised up all the time....I thought back to those insignificant nights in the late 1980s and thought that karma had bitten me on the ass. Weird and irrational. I know. Buy that is how my mind works.

Fast forward to some time in the last year or so.... I was at support group and a woman who was two years out from surgery and still very very large (but had already lost over 100 pounds) said she was frustrated because she only lost 10 pounds (up and down) in her second year. I thought at the time, and may have blogged these thoughts --- can't find them --- that I would DIE if I didn't finish this thing up in my second year....now my second year is coming go a close in About a week and I have only lost 20 pounds this year. I know...blah blah blah...I didn't gain, a loss is still closer to my goal....but I have to wonder if karma did not come in and teach me a very shitty lesson about being judgmental and thinking I a so god damn perfect.

And know for what I have been avoiding....plastic surgery did not go as "perfectly" as planned. I had my arms and breasts lifted on September 29th. For one, I was not totally prepared on how limited I would be the first couple weeks and dependent on other people. In order to minimize my scar, he cut in my armpit and pull everything tight into that. My arms are healing nicely. Once I am completely healed he will do some laser to tighten my arms some more. The problem is my left breast. When you have a breast lift they remove your nipple and reattached it higher. I had a breast lift and minor reduction. The shape of my greats are amazing and all the nurses say it actually looks like implants. When the swelling goes down I will be a firm and perky D cup as opposed to F or G. Like I said, the form is nice.

The complication came with my left nipple and areola. With this surgery there is a 1% chance of a complication of the blood supply not going to your areola and nipple which could cause it to "die" and that is what happened to me. So one week after my initial surgery I had to have "emergency" surgery to remove my dying areola and nippple and replace them Along with a skin graft around them. This was to restart the blood supply under them. The good news is that it was a success. The difficult news is that it looks very scary and until it is completely healed I do not know about the nipple. They surgeon says it should be ok but until the layer of protective skin finishes healing off I won't see it and that is difficult. And once again I worry that karma once again bit me on the ass because i was so silly and boastful on how I was going to have a "banging" body. I have definitely been humbled by this experience.

In typical perfectheidi fashion I was going to wait until I was completely healed to report on my fabulous arms and breasts but that would only feed into my sickness. This is hard. I cry often. Worried that I will be deformed and not have a nipple. I am a femme lesbian for crying out loud....who am I if I don't have my boobs? Lol.

I am not sure I can write anymore right now. This post has emotionally exhausted me.

Holy Shit

Cleaning out a closet and came across these.   The size of them is even more dramatic in person.   And they are "only" a 26/28.  I definitely was bigger at some point.

 

A perfect reality check for me....

 

(pictures courtesy of the princess...who is not understanding why i would have fat person pants in the closet....)

live the life you imagined....

it took an email a plea for a visit from Babbling Amy ....an actual phone call from Electric Band Stephanie (the texting queen) ....AND an email from my first (and only) blog-girl crush, Amy W. (and i didn't even have to put on astronaut diapers.... ;-).....but i am back from the blog-dead...

 

honestly nothing but LIFE was keeping me away.   i have thought so many times "i need to blog about this"...but then i would get busy with LIFE.    i said my word this year would be LIFE / LIVING and that is exactly what i have been doing.... living life in my size 12s and medium shirts.... (and quite cutely, if i do say so myself....) i just ran across the street from my new office and took this picture in a consignment store dressing room....

 

here is the bullet- point update with details in subsequents posts this week (i promise).

• JOB -- i started my "dream job" in late march and it has been a challenge.  good challenge -- but a challenge nonetheless.... 
• WEIGHT -- has kind of been like watching grass grow.  i am down to 193.   but things have shifted considerably and like i said i wear a size 12 most days and am mostly buying size medium shirts from wal-mart brand to michael kors. have lost a size and half in shoes, too.
• PRINCESS -- growing by the day.  so mature.  such a good kid.
• BODY IMAGE -- improving like you wouldn't believe.  i finally am able to see what the mirror shows me.  i see a very narrow person when i look in the mirror.  i no longer see this imposing figure but instead a very shrunk version of someone i used to know.  i am able to see the hanging skin for what it is...temporary and not "fat"...
• EATING DISORDER / THERAPY -- still working on these but committed to it.  had a major breakthrough this week....
• PLASTIC SURGERY -- i have started to pay for my arm lift and breast lift which are scheduled for september 29. 
• LOVE LIFE -- i am in love.  this is for real.   The One Who Got Away (TOWGA™) is officially back in my life for good.   we had a two year break where we individually went through a lot but never lost sight of what could have been.   it is so natural and good.   i will definitely share more about this later...

back in february, for the princess' birthday, i got "live the life you imagined" tattoo'd on my foot in my own handwriting....and that is exactly what i have been doing...in order to do so i have had to take risks, consciously force myself to stop holding onto the past and learn how to make mistakes and survive.   i am here. 

 

say what?

went to a business networking lunch thingy at a local diner today. 

 

because i have to socialize, talk and eat at the same time at events like this i tend to stick to soup to avoid getting stuck or worst.  

 

so i enjoyed my greek lemon chicken soup and at the end when i went to pay my bill at the cashier she said "wow, i wish i could get away with just being satisfied on a cup of soup for lunch!". i laughed with her and then she said...... "i guess that is how you are able to stay so skinny....."   

 

Um?  say what?   LOL...me?  really?  LOL. 

warts and all....

i wanted to show the other side of my weight loss.   i talk about skin, fat, arms, plastic surgery and filler here....  enjoy!

On being perfect.....

the idea of perfection has played a lead role in my obesity. my fatness was one way to prove myself as the perfect daughter. i know that does not make sense...if i wanted to be the perfect daughter wouldn't i have wanted to be perfectly skinny? not in my family. my parents were fat and i -- most likely -- subconsciously made sure i was just like them. it worked. my parents became very protective of me. i was now special to them. we bonded over diets, weight watchers meetings (starting when i was 8), low-fat food finds. the summer my mom and i bonded the most was when i came home from college between freshman and sophomore year and we lost weight together. looking back, i was definitely the perfect daughter that summer because i was dependant on my mom for my weight loss routine. by overeating and being fat i could always guarantee my parents love and attention.

it was when i went out in the world alone that i ballooned from the mid-200s to the 300s. i had no coping skills whatsoever. but i still had this inner need to be my own version of perfect. whatever i did -- be it college, partying, loving --- i had to be the best, the stand-out. i could not cope with the regular lifecycle emotions because it did not fit my perfect mindset....losing my first love, graduating from grad school and looking for a job, living completely on my own after my ex and i broke up (we moved from the dorms into cohabitation so i never lived without someone who loved me). sure, i got through all these things and i am very proud of my professional accomplishments but i did all this by eating. it is the only way to cope....it was the only thing i could do perfectly....but unlike my childhood or my young adulthood my parents were there to 'fix' the problem. i am sure somewhere along the way when i was well into my 30s a confidant or therapist told them that they couldn't interfere with my obsesity because i was now an "adult"...little did they realize that they had been interfering all my life and i did not know how to cope.

i am not mad at my parents. they did this all from love. they did the best they could with what they could. my own DNA equally allowed it to continue for so long.

so....now i have the band. the tool. the weight gain is no longer an issue. i have done the therapy work on my enmeshment issues with my parents. but the perfectionism is still there. the perfect lapbander. the perfect weight loss. the perfect look. and all this perfectionism is a recipe for disaaster. a mindfuck body image with twist of an eating disorder on the rocks. i can no longer blame my parents. the amount of pressure i put on myself on a daily basis to be perfect when it comes to my body and my exterior image is consuming.

That need to be perfect creeps into my life everyday. I obsess about what I will wear. All the time. Will I look skinny enough? Will I look too skinny and be too much in the spotlight? It is exhausting.

hmmmm....so i don't think i am an addict afterall....

recently i have been identifying as an "addict" and talking about "recovery".   i honestly do not think i am.   and no i am not in denial.   i think the proper terms are definitely "eating disorder" and "healing".     and let me tell you.... they make sense.  i feel a sense of relief, less overwhelmed, less confused.

tonight i went to a 12 step "food addict" meeting.   nope.  not for me.   and just not the meeting (which was so fucking bizarre it was comical)....but the focus....the idea of abstinence from flour and sugar is not something i can relate to.   personally i have learned that the all or nothing mindset is detrimental to my eating disorder behaviors.   i don't need abstinence.  i need behavior control and modification.   and support for that.   the fact that you can't even have a bottle of water in the meeting is just a little extreme.  

ok...now for some snark...so the woman running the meeting was very robotic.  like, for real.  she was straight-up an animitronic right out of the Hall of Presidents at Disney.   and she has a nun's edge to her.    like i was waiting for her to hit my knuckles with a ruler.   some old queen was yelling at her for not letting people borrow books.  it was scary mary city.  but then again i am reading The Handmaid's Tale and maybe i was projecting the book on this meeting.

my issues really are behavior related.   as i have talked about my eating disorder crap is at an all time high.   i am lonely in my personal life.   and not just lonely.  i am sad.   the circumstances with my ex (the one who got away) are just so heart breaking to me.   i am trying to remain strong with my boundaries but that only magnifies my loneliness.   i love my new job.  but i am there to do a job...and part of that job is being a strong leader which means most of my staff not only does not like me but refuse to get on board with my new program.   i don't give a shit about all that....that is the nature of the beast...as a friend said back to me today "it is lonely at the top, heidi.  and you wanted to move up towards the top..."  lonely.  lonely at work.  i am homesick for my former staff and the family we created.   it was a well-oiled machine.   but just like it took me time to build that team, it will take me time here....but in the meantime it is havoc on my eating behaviors.    

i thought i was "cured" because i was "skinny" when i decided to take on this new job challenge.  the truth is i am still "sick" no matter what size i am wearing right now.   and it is very hard to have to stay in control and strong on the exterior all day in order to get my job done and exert my authority and not have my insides equally in control or strong on the inside.    i am trying to cope the best i can, but it is a struggle.   between the band tightening from the stress of my staff and my bingeing....not good.  not good. 

(don't get me wrong... i love my job and the other duties...it is just the personnel distractions that i hate....always have, always will....why can't people just do their job?  if you wanted to be director and think your old way is better...you should have applied....no?)

i talked to my therapist today about the eating disorder stuff.  i think it is the most i have come clean about it in therapy.  still not sure i am clicking with the new therapist, but i am going through the motions with her for now.   so....today i asked her if you can ever be cured from an eating disorder....she told me "sadly, no".   the symptoms may not be active but the potential through triggers (like stress, death, etc) will always be there.    i told her that it made me sad.   and i cried a little.   but with that being said, i am a little relieved to get clarity tonight on food addict vs. eating disorder.   i think i can get through the crappy days better knowing i am dealing with a disorder and not an addiction for some reason.  

a little picture show about lil ole me...

my new therapist asked me to bring in some pics of the old me and my progress.  at the same time i have been listening to a lot of fleetwood mac and for some reason -- after all these years -- the song landslide gets the tears flowing.    the line about "i've been afraid of changing because i built my life around you...." just does me in....makes me think about the role my fat played in being an emotional barrier.

so...i put the pics and song together....enjoy....

ruby/intervention/me

getting some business out of the way first....

• usually when i blog i have pretty much a clear and concise post already composed in my head.   i do not right now but know what i want need to say.

• i have been avoiding my blog because i of the betrayal i have felt.  i need to let go.  so with that being said...if you are reading this blog and you are not either a. a lapbander in cyberspace or b. someone who i personally share this with then i have to respectfully ask you to stop reading.   you were shared this blog as part of an act of betrayal and manipulation -- regardless of what SHE may say her intentions were -- and by continuing to read it, and revisit it, you are legitimizing HER betrayal and manipulation.

watching ruby tonight i realized i needed to let go of the betrayal of my blog and take back my blog.

ok....with that being said....my life has turned into a reality show...ok, not really....a couple months ago when i had my last session with my original therapist i identified that i really wanted to shift from focusing on the weight loss crap and really focus on the addiction/eating disorder stuff. 

and for the last couple months i have done everything but that.   i have not gained weight.  in fact, based on the scale i snuck into my house i am hopefully going to leave the 190s soon.   but my purposeful bingeing and subsequent purging has been plentiful.   so much so that i after about a week or so of having to sleep sitting up so i would not choking on my throwup i woke up one night this past week choking while throwing up in my sleep.   there are no words to describe what is going on with me.   oh yes there are....i am fucked up, gee.   fucked up.   i am risking my life. possibly causing damage to my band.  acting irresponsibly. 

add to this engaging with my ex -- who is a total co-dependant enabler and does not respect the boundaries i am asking for right now.... and i am just not healthy.     

but.  but.  but.

thursday night i had book club.  this book club is connected to my former so-called best friend.  and while i knew she would not be there i still anxiety about attending and running it...so i binged the whole way there.  then purged right before it started.   lovely.  i know.   got through the night.  and as i left a woman asked me to stay and chat.   i knew her and even have hung out with them individually.  but never persued a friendship with them.    the other night basically she and her partner staged a mini-intervention with me.   it was surreal.   she said that they were concerned about me -- in reference to my former so-called best friend crap -- and it just opened a flood gate with me.   i started ranting and raving.  and a couple minutes into it this woman (trying to be ambiguous here since i don't want to betray her confidences) just said "heidi, i am 25 years into recovery..." and i just melted.   she didn't care about what my former so-called best friend did or how i felt about it...as an addict she saw me for what i am....an addict.   blaming everyone else for my lack of control.   my anger.  my poor choices then (never should have gotten close to my former so called best friend and most healthy people don't get close to her) and now (engaging in unhealthy behaviors and with unhealthy people like my enabling ex).     and, like i said, i just melted.  i told her i have been bingeing.    that i am scared of drinking becoming a transfer addiction.  that i have been resisting allowing myself to transfer from addict to recovery.   it was so freeing.  so amazing.  

we left with an open door.  and an unexpected hand in friendship extended to me.   that night i went home and chatted via messenger with my ex (the one who got away) and while i was in the intervention mode i realized i had no business engaging with her until i am healthy.  she is not happy with this...but it is what is best for me.   the next morning, still on my intervention high (ha! great pun) i went to a new age store and got myself a book of affirmations for overeaters and a book on recovery from eating disoders  - Beating Ana.  once i finish reading it, i will review it here.

here is what i know....for some time now i have been thinking about in-patient treatment.   it is not practical.  i just started a new job.  (if i stayed at my former job i could have easily taken a 30 day leave).   and in my all or nothing addict mind if i can't do in-patient i might as well do nothing...right?   wrong.    i need to get into meetings.  i hate to admit it.  (so there with ruby tonight)....but i know i need to.   i also know i need to be better about surrounding myself with like minded people.   my interventionist offered to go to a meeting with me and i may take her up on her offer. 

i guess i am just blogging this tonight to make myself accountable.  i feel kind of scattered and all over the place.   but i need to put this out there...on paper, so to speak.

the positives are that i am really getting used to my smaller frame.  i am really teeny.  it is crazy.  i plan to do a vlog soon.   on friday i went to the mall with a friend.   she has always been my "skinny friend"....going through the clearance rack at macys she was taking the extra larges out of my hand and replacing them with mediums while she herself took the XLs or larges.   surreal.    i also have the cash and the date for my arm and breast lift.    i could do it right now, but i want to wait until after summer so i am not limited in my mobility when we camp all summer and i do not want to tan my scar lines and tanning is unavoidable with how i spend my summers (camping every weekend).   

passing over passover...

i realized this weekend how out of touch with my religion i am.  and i am not happy.  i have never been god-fearing woman.   but i had always been very connected to my judaism and at the very least the cultural/holiday observances.   not so much lately.  and i blame the band.   i really think my connection to my judaism was so wrapped up in food that now that i can't be wrapped up in food i am not motivated.   when the princess was a baby i cooked shabbat dinner every week.   for my whole adult life i was the designated cooker for all jewish holidays.   passover is tomorrow and i just realized that yesterday when my mom asked me to come up and help her shop and cook.     in the past i would have been cooking all weekend, had my shopping list made last week and already have the table set.

i am mourning this loss and want to recommit to judaism.   especially for the princess' sake.  i went to great lengths to make sure she had a jewish biological father, hebrew name, etc. and now i am totally slacking -- in her most impressionable religious connection/education years.

so....today i spent much of the day with my parents grocery shopping and prepping food.  my mom will finish the cooking tomorrow and i will go up to their house with the princess to have a low key seder with my folks and my aunt and uncle.    my sister is too busy.  same with my hoodlum cousins.  (are you still hoodlums when you are in your 30s?).    i mourn the days when my grandparents were still here and it was a big deal.  i want the princess to have that.   we were supposed to go to new jersey for seder but with my new job just starting i canceled our trip.  maybe i am missing all my new jersey cousins.   tomorrow i am going to try real hard to remember what my dad said at thanksgiving -- he said he was most thankful to have the people he loved in the world with him.  it was just me, my mom and the princess.  my sister chose not to attend (again).    it was both a validating moment for me to know that my presence was enough for my dad and a lesson on being thankful for what you have and not fret about what you do not have. 

when the fantasy is killed by reality....

so.... i have spent the last year and half getting healthy.     two years ago a relationship ended.  she was *supposed* to be "the one" and has been in my heart all this time as The One Who Got Away™ (TOWGA™).    she is the only woman i have dated/met in the last 10 years or so that has been "on my level".  she works in city government management.   she is mature.  beautiful.   nice.  smart.  when the princess was 3 years old the princess was the back seat of the car one day when the 3 of us went out and the princess said "mommy, is TOWGA™ your *other person*?"   even the princess understood our connection.   but she got away.    both of our hearts broke.  but we just could not get it right.   according to her i had too many walls up (hello, 200 pounds of extra weight). 

i have thought about her many many many times over the last 2 years --- and more specifically since my surgery.   wondering "what if".... there was sporadic communication.   she made it clear she was with someone.

so.....when i got my new job i wanted to tell her first.   she, of all people, would understand the monumental career shift for me to not only take the next step in my career...but in a gay city.   so....i emailed her.   and that started a 3 week friendly, but reserved email communication....until...until... i got the drunken email confession.    there have been more confessions since then.  from both of us.   she is going through some stuff right now and i really want to get out of this 197-201 mindfuck.   so we agreed to keep it platonic and limit communication to email right now.      but we both wanted to keep communication open and going while we both work on our own shit.

in the course of the communication i have come to the realization that while i have spent the last 18 months improving my life and getting healthy she has, in a proverbial sense, done the exact opposite.   some bad choices and unhealthy events.  

and it breaks my heart.   because the more we get reacquainted the more i realize that my new consciousness about myself and awareness of codependents and the damage they can cause in my addiction process.... the more i realize that we can never be together.   i don't want to talk to much about what is going in her life (you know, because lord knows who is reading this....)  but i know in my heart of hearts that barring some intense healing for her over a very long time that we can never ever ever be together.  

she told me she loves me.   i know i have always loved her.   and i can't let her in.  i can't let her unhealthy behavior in my heart because i can not let it lead to me sabotaging my life.

part of me typing this out tonight is to "tell on" myself.   to hold myself accountable.  so when i come back here one day and say that we are back together there will be someone who will tell me to run in the other direction.  because really, i need to run.  but i am scared i won't. 

when the fantasy is not reality....it really really really really fucking sucks.

yana asked what i ate...

i am still struggling with blogging my feelings due to the betrayal that keeps on giving....long story short...i found out recently that my blog was shared with even more people than i knew.   so i have been avoiding blogging.  included some incredible NSV stuff from disney.  having a private pity party.  THEN last night i decide to do something for myself for the first time in a long time.  (considering since the last week in february i have had major surgery, interview and received my dream job, left a job i created 7 years ago and started a major career move job... i have had NO TIME for myself to socialize).  i go to a lesbian social group in the new city i work in.   and lo and fuckin behold in saunters my former so-called best friend.  this place is at least an hour away  from where she lives.  it is a place she habitually puts down (without experiencing)...but because they were talking about something that she personally finds important from an ego standpoint she shows up....  she was the last person i wanted to see.  and because she was with the person she has been is continuing to manipulate thru emotional abuse and infidelity and that person has been manipulated into thinking somehow *I* a the problem and is kind of not nice to me anymore i decided to quietly slip out the back door.    so much for networking for work -- having a night to myself --  breathing air that is not contaminated by manipulative women....(wow.  that felt so good to type out.)

but that was yesterday.  today is a new day.   so i will talk about food.... today i ate....

7:30AM -- EAS shake

11:30AM -- homemade egg salad.   2 hard boiled eggs, mayo and paprika.   i was able to eat all but the last 2 or 3 bites.

1:30PM - 3:30PM -- I nursed a sinful PB&J smoothie ....  it had

423 calories, 70 carbs and 24 gr protein.... (oopsies on the calories and carbs....)
6:30PM -- about 3/4 cup crock pot corned beef

and that's it.  i am behind on my water intake today (and every day lately).  i am satisfied.   i could probably mindlessly binge on stuff that will go down easily but i am being proactive on that issue and keeping busy tonight by packing for my trip to boston tomorrow, blogging and paying bills.

........

i need to blog.  i can't blog.   ugh.

life is unfair.....

as i sat down tonight to do a real blog titled "the good, the bad, and the ugly"....about how much i love my new job (the good), how i am struggling with eating disorder crap (the bad) and how much i hate my body (the ugly) i got an email.   an email from an ex.   she is the one i have said is the "one who got away".   we have not been together for about 2 or 3 years  -- my mind if racing tonight and i can not do the fucking math for the life of me.   

i fucked our relationship up big time.  she will tell you she fucked it up big time.   

well....tonight she sent me "the email".   she disclosed from the get-go she was trashed. but also said she was clear headed about what she felt in her heart.  she said everything.  everything i needed to hear and everything i wanted to hear.   i don't know what will happen from here.   there are some roadblocks we both will need to deal with.  and i will just say life is sometimes so fucking unfair.

and speaking of unfair...i bought a dress off the clearance rack at macys.  oh yeah...it is a size medium.  fucking medium.   never in all my lexicon did i speak of wearing a size medium....but i am.   what is unfair is my arms.   i work my ass off to get to this point to look like a circus freakshow.   

i am using my payout from my former job to get my arms done and a breast lift.  i will eventually need a tummy tuck (i need one NOW, actually)....but have decided to do my arms and breasts first since they affect my outward appearance more.   i want to wait until after summer due to my natural tanning starting this time of year -- to avoid the darkening of my scars and because i spend most of the summer camping and i don't want to be limited in my mobility.   as of right now i am looking at the end of september/early october to get them done.   until then....it is sooooooooooooooooooo frickin unfair that i have to wear a jacket over this dress to hide my arms.

if the shoe doesn't fit....

get rid of it, heidi!

i do like my shoes.   now, i have heard about people losing a lot of weight and their shoe size changing.  but i have been a size 10 since i was a kid.   my grandmother was a size 10 and it was just one more thing that put me in the running to be her favorite...which i was, of course.   in fact many many many women in my family have size 10s.  in our family it is known as "B_______ (family name) Feet".  it is a badge of honor.   well...i guess i am up for adoption because now i wear a size 9 or 9 1/2.   the picture to the right shows the soles of an old pair of black chunky flip flops and a new pair. 

the truth is that as i got bigger i was no longer just a size 10.  i was a size 10 wide or even a size 11.   in birkenstocks i was a size 41 or 42.   same things with my dansko clogs.    i am now a size 39 in birkenstocks and just bought a pair of shoes from The Walking Company yesterday at size 39.

after spending the $$$$$ at The Walking Company yesterday and going through the experience of literally dropping from size 41 to 39 in the store until i found the right fit....i told myself that i need to start getting rid of shoes that don't fit.

so i came home, opened the closet and this is what i saw....it does not even include the roughly 5 pairs scattered around the house....

so i literally pulled out about 40 pairs of shoes and this is what i was left with....

now....here is the thing...most of the shoes still in my closet are size 10s or 11s.   the only pairs that are the right size are two pairs of work shoes, one pair of birkenstocks, one pair of boots and 3 pairs of flip flops (i am a florida girl and i have my priorities...).   the rest are either a. not stretched out too much and i need for work, etc or b. very unique or expensive and i just can't get rid of yet....in fact the bottom two shelves are filled with shoes that cost $$$$$$$.  the bottom shelf is double stacked with birkenstocks and the shelf above it is my european clogs that i just love dearly.

what i have told myself is that as each type of shoe is replaced i need to get rid of the too big one.  so when i finally get my new purple sequin chuck taylors -- the black one stars go.    some of the big sneakers and birkenstocks will be relocated to my camper this summer and i will wear the crap out of them there. 

i didn't even touch the way up high top shelf that has all my doc marteens and NaNa boots from back in the day.....i may be ready to give up my former obese self but i will never let go of my former punk grrl self....

talk about going outside my comfort zone....

yesterday was my last day at my job.  an employer i have been with for almost 7 years.  i found out i was pregnant the day i interviewed for my job.   this job has been my life for 7 years.   i have put everything i had into the job.   the decision to leave my job was heart-wrenching.  i loved my job.   it is kind of weird today to not have that position as part of my identity.  there are reminders everywhere.  only one car outside the house since i had to turn in my work-issued suv.    only 1/3 the amount of keys on my keychain since i had to turn in my truck key and keys for my offices all over the state.   my purse was lighter today because i am down to only one phone.   so everything is just uncomfortable...from looking out at my car to holding my keys.   it is all i have known for 7 years.   and now...POOF...it is gone. 

but the time was right to move on.   the opportunity in front of me is the right one for me.   it is a going to be a lot of work.  a new challenge.  it will also be less money which will be an adjustment for the princess and i.    but most important to me is that i can be out of the closet at this job.   100%.  not just to "some" people.  i am starting this just with authenticity on my side.   it is fucking amazing.

i begin my new position on monday.   one of the things i am sooooooo looking forward to is the opportunity for a fresh start.    a new body.  a new professional outlook.  at my old job i was seen as "intense, intimidating and tall".    beginning monday i can be whoever i want to be.... and i really just want to be me....a professional woman who can stand to lose a few pounds but who is confident and polished.   who does not feel the need to overcompensate for her appearance.  who does not feel like crap physically all the time.  

i talked about this in therapy yesterday.  this is a big thing in front of me.  i need to stay focused.  i need to keep my addiction in check.  and that is the challenge facing me.   i do not have my drug of choice anymore -- food.   i need to cope with the challenges appropriately.    my fear is that if i can not cope i will lash out or react through behavior...which will lead back to my work reputation of being a bitch....which is what i do not want.   so the therapeutic plan is for me to not date, not be around toxic "friends" or situations...to stay focused on my job and family.  at least through the summer.   my therapist said i need to be pragmatic in my approach.  focused and on task.   i feel like i can do that.  i think if i work hard to maintain behavioral control it will help me not relapse with my weight loss, nor get into situations that are not healthy for me or will be frustrating -- like dating someone who is not healthy....so that part of my life is on hold.  i am also making some other appearance/behavioral changes.  i will be stepping up my wardrobe for this new position and plan to wear dresses and pantyhose at least 3 out of the 4 work days every week.

i am so excited for monday.   ready for this next chapter of my life.

here is a picture of me at an event at my former job about a year and half after i started and then a picture of me on my last day.

being an addict....a response to your comments

i guess this is part 2 of the judgemental blog....  yes.  i am an addict.  i agree.  i am addicted to eat/coping through food.   not just coping with bad things...coping with life in general.

the last session i had with My Therapist we talked about how i feel like the "weight loss" part of my mental health journey is pretty much in control and how i really want to dive into the addict stuff.   we talked about how i often think throughout the day "holy shit.  i am an addict".   as an aside she suggested accupuncture.   i still need to find time to look into that.

when i meet with My New Therapist on friday i think i am really going to talk to her about the addict stuff.

when i got the comments to my last blog in my email they each came right.at.the.right.moment.   when i was questioning myself and my boundaries.  when i was about to give in to the woman "suggesting" that instead of us meeting for coffee the other night she "just come over" to my house.  i have kindly, and without saying much about my boundaries yet, put her on hold until i get my head on a little more straight (ha!) with the thoughts of my addiction and her condition.

i think the comments i received were so helpful and spot on i wanted to respond and explore them here...

from DiZneDiVa /Maria
It's is hard hearing people say that they are comfortable with the weight they're at or comfortable with their bodies... When you've been there and know it's not true. I don't think you should not date someone because of their weight but you need to do what's best for you and dating someone with weight issues currently, maybe cause a relapse for you like any addict. Addicts are told not to date fellow addicts. It may be good for her to date you, see how you eat and change her own habits but I wouldn't want you to get too involved and end up getting hurt when you realize the relationship is causing you more harm then good. I was 475 pounds... so I know the emotional torment that comes from that.

my thoughts: yes, maria.  you are right.  i am an addict and i need to function as one in EVERY aspect of my life .   your response was first and it helped validate me and and nudge me that it is "ok" to identify as an addict. 

Marie said...

Good post. I do think you need to think about your boundaries and how dating someone who is obese affects you. You want to lead a healthy lifestyle and does this person want to do the same? I know that is important to me in finding someone to have a relationship with. This lifestyle is just that - a lifestyle and we have worked so hard to get the weight off. Being with a partner who helps us with these goals is very important. Good luck!!!

my thoughts:  boundaries.  my boundaries.  i need to think about my boundaries more consciously.  thank you.

amandakiska said...

This would be really hard for me. I've always been a bit of a "chubby chaser" myself, but I have changed so much and I'd be afraid that my healthy habits would be de-railed by associating with someone who has such different priorities.

my thoughts:  i am not even a "chubby chaser".  my type usually is very good girl types or girls who pretty much have men falling over hemselves to get to. but i definitely like a nice body with appropriate curves. always have. always will.  in college i dated the girls that the guys were gaga about.  the last night in the dorms senior year i got an earful about that from some drunk frat guys.  after years of them being asses and homophobes to me they actually were less homophobic when one of them said "man, you always get the hot chicks.  can you teach us your tricks?"  he was drunk and being actually kind of nice.  but i wasn't so nice.  lol.  oh well. 


but i digress....i am not even a chubby chaser...and i am not physcially attractive to her at all.  so why i am even going along with this?  HMMMMM.....either my underlying driving need to "win" people or i am lonely.  worth exploring.  i think i know the answer is loneliness.  talked about it in therapy last week.  thanks.

Bonnie said...
You've made a lot of great points. It's amazing how far you've come physically and emotionally.

my thoughts:  thank you, mama.   sometimes i feel so lost and alone.  thanks for the vote of confidence. 

Theresa aka Tessie Rose said...

Great post!

my thoughts:  thank you for getting me.  just not now.  but always.  and for challenging me with your blog, as well.

Read said...
On the dating thing - all the things that worry you would totally worry me too. I'd want to be really careful even if that meant being overly careful. I'd want to honestly and frankly 'checking in' with myself on a very regular basis. Is this still okay with me - for me. Is this healthy for me, is this doing good things for my self esteem and outlook on life. You'll know when it's not the right thing. Until then good luck and I hope you're having fun.

my thoughts:  i think the "checking in" is a very good point.  in the beginning of this journey we focus so much on mindless eating and i think this part of the journey is really about avoiding mindless living.   not look for exterior validation of my body or stimulation but really checking in with our insides on the affects of our choices. 

Gen said...
Wow I think it would be so complicated to date someone with serious weight issues. All the things you are thinking - I would be thinking too. I like Read's answer - keep checking in with yourself to be sure its okay with your emotional health and the progress you have made so far.

my thoughts:  thanks, gen.  i think i needed to hear it was ok to say out loud to myself that i am not ok with dating someone who is obese. 

Karen said..
I'm wondering how you feel about the person you're dating? I mean, are you as into her as she is into you? That could well be the determining factor as to whether it's worth the extra mental effort on your part NOT to fall back into 'comfortable' habits of over-eating, since she's "ok" with it.

my thoughts:  the truth is NO.  i am not into her as she is into me.  i am not attractive to her physically, yet she emails me all the time that she is attracted to me physically.   dating women is a lot different than dating men.  most women want to go right into the relationship and she is already doing stuff like that.  i am a dater.   yesterday i was even reflecting back to a conversation we had were she asked me -- in kind of a hesitant way -- "you date a lot of women?"   i told her i like to go on dates and meet people.   she told me she has only had four "relationships".    big difference and i need to hear that better when it is said.   she is much more close, familiar and intimate in her communication with me than i am with her.   women also do something that i have been told men do not do...which is they like to set ground rules early on..."when i am with someone i tend to tell them they are beautiful everyday".  "i am ALWAY blah blah blah in my relationships".   i am not like that.  each relationship is different for me.  i can not perdict how i will be. 

Carmen said...
it is hard not to be judgemental, especially when we know that there are options....

as far as dating someone who is "fat" while trying to change your life with the band, that is REALLY hard. my bf had bypass a few years before i met him and has put back on 75+ lbs since we've been together. spending time with someone who isn't on the same track eating wise or activity wise is difficult, it makes it so much easier to slip back into bad habits.


you are in a good place, so.....AWARE. do all you can to stay (or go further ahead) where you are, not backslide...

my thoughts:  THANK YOU. i know you are dealing with some of this in real-time so i appreciate your honesty.   on being "AWARE"... yeah, it is a good place to be but it can be so tiring and hard.   i just want the ability, some days, to put my guard down, go with the flow AND have everything be ok in the end.  insert underlying control freak issues here....lol 

thank you so much for all your comments.  you really helped me.  i am either going to take this woman to the friend zone or nothing.   one of the things we talked about in therapy last week was me add things ONLY of value to my all ready full life and eliminating those that are toxic or no value.     i think i know where i stand with this woman.

being judgemental

so...last night i was watching Heavy on A&E.   i was enjoying this show a lot but notice that the format is getting old for me....same ole same ole.    so i hate to admit this, but i was secretly pleased to see the woman last night left her husband...just because it shook things up a little on the show's format.  i also think, in all seriousness, that her revelations about their relationship throughout the show were very on par with some of the emotional journey stuff we face in our extreme weight loss.  

but more to the point of this post...when they were introducing the woman last night and she was talking about having to sleep in a chair, not being intimate with her newlywed husband, etc.  i actually stopped in front of the TV and said to myself pretty clearly "my god, woman, how did you let it get this bad?".   WHOA!  who am i to judge?   she weighed in at 435.   my known highest is only about 50-60 pounds more than her.  WHO AM I TO JUDGE?   i felt bad about being so judgemental, but at the same time i noticed that my judgement was so detached and finite.

in my personal life, as i alluded to i met someone recently.  i am struggling with this one.   she is professional, a mom with a very similar "how i became a mom" story as me, nice, etc.    she is fat.   very fat.  lesbian comfort zone fat.    she also came across my "fat" pictures through a social group i am in that has old pictures of me on it from past events.   so she knows i had surgery.  and her response, like my own response for many years when i was on her side of the obesity table, was "i am very comfortable with my body".  

this scares me.    it scares me because i am stuck on the scale somewhere between 194 and 201.   it scares me because based on the feedback i get -- daily (ugh) -- i look good to others, i feel good and i look healthy and wear my current weight well.     i am worried that if i go out with a fat-positive woman i am going to justify staying this weight, or worse, gain weight.  i find myself judging her weight...questioning my attractiveness to her. of course, this is all muddied by the fact that she is very into me and pursuing my aggressively while i am trying to get my thoughts together.

but believe it, or not, these judgements are great...wonderful...amazing.... at least i think so....i think the judgement of the woman on TV last night was a major turning point for me in the "letting go" category.   once my enmeshment issues were identified in therapy one of the things i noticed is that i would be at random place
s, like disney, and see an obese person and instantly identify with them.  i had to work real hard with behavioral re-adjustment to think "heidi, that fat woman is over there and has nothing to do with you, your weight loss or how you look".    so for a "that woman" judgement to come so naturally to me... big time progress. 
 

i think the dating judgement is the same.    i think i am finally at a point where i am ready for healthy boundaries and to put myself first and not get confused by someone being really into me and just going along with it and regretting it.    (see previous so-called friend post for further proof).  

 

i am ok with being judgemental.  i am not out to hurt anyone unnecessarily  and have to stop worrying about that.   i am ready to take care of myself.  protect myself.  and stand firm in my established boundaries.

 

i am going to leave you with this blast from the past....me... at my highest.  in key west on a boat.  with my natural curly hair!!!!   and another of me at gay pride this weekend shoving food into my mouth.   the princess got her haircut that morning and blownout out straight.  

 

My Therapist

those bloggers here who have spent time with me know that i start every 3.5 sentences with these words...My Therapist....

well....My Therapist has left me.  left florida.  left her practice.   she had to and i understand her personal reasons.   but it does not make this any easier.  

recently i did a gratitude list as homework for a session.   the top of the list was "My Therapist".  i am glad i did, because i was able to tell her that to her face.   i told her, somewhat emotionally, that she saved my life and i really believe she did.     the band, nor my surgeon, did not save my life.  the band is a tool.   she gave me the strength and clarity to work the tool and live beyond the weight loss.  she called me on my shit.   she did not let me big personality run the show as it has on-and-off for the past 20 years of therapy attempts.  

with that being said....i do not believe my therapy work is done.  and neither does she.   so she has passed me onto a colleague who she trusts.   (she also bugged me until i made my first appointment with the therapist because, as she pointed out, i was probably rationalizing quitting therapy...and she was right).   so, i met with My Therapist Part 2 this week.   she is good.  she is nice.  she is feeling me out as much as i am feeling her out.   she is committed to the long term plan My Therapist and i originally laid out.   i am not sure if she is strong enough to over power my bullshit and call me on it but she did ask me to tell her what worked best with My Therapist and i think i need to ask her to call me on my shit more.    we will see where this goes.   i also want to go on record as saying that the only other therapist that i had in my life who was getting somewhere with me "left me" for very similar personal reasons....my dumb luck, huh?

in other news...i am really run down this week.  it is my first week back at work after my gall bladder surgery.  it is also my first week of my two week notice and as such my co-workers and employees are literally sucking my brain out of my head since seven years ago when i started none of the structure that we have today, their departments, their jobs existed.   it is exhausting.    it is also somewhat sad.   this job has been a big chapter in my life.   i found out i was pregnant the day i interviewed for my job.   i work for not just a government but a people, a community, a culture.   you don't do what i did for almost 7 years with/for them without getting attached.   tomorrow i am traveling to tell some of the elected officials personally of my plans to leave.   each conversation is hard. 

add to that the fact that my new job is already heating up...i was approved at a public meeting this week by the elected body (kind of exhilarating to be at that level of professional position in my career...the fact that i am voted on... btw), i have been contacted by some people at the new job regarding future projects, etc.     and of course, i have the usual stuff of being a mom (the princess was bitten by our dog as i was running out to be voted on...talk about working mother guilt that night....), dealing with a biting dog who now has a stomach virus, trying to lose weight and...yes...and, i have met "someone"....not going to say too much right now about that....we'll see...

the picture is what i wore to the public meeting when i was approved for my job.   it is from the post-surgery day kohls shopping trip.   i love it.  it is me.  heidi.  in a size large vera wang dress.   yep.   excuse the proportion of the picture....the princess took it so it is coming from a lower position and, in my opinion, makes me look kind of drag queen/amazon-esque.  

what to wear, what to wear...

i am having a (fun) identity crisis.   i don't know what my style is anymore.  i am not really stressing it...instead just having fun with it....there are 3 distinct styles that i playing around with lately...

1. punk rock/20-something wannabe look.  chunky strip shirts.  skinny jeans or mini skirts with knee socks or boots.  chunky jewelry.   my one star chucks.  hair spiked up, of course.

2.  hippie chick.  flowy dresses.  tie-dye shirts or skirts.  remember those broom stick skirts from college?   dangling earrings.  birkenstocks.  i will admit that this is the only style that i usually end the day feeling "fat".

3.  power mom chic.  lots of dresses that go to above my saggy knees.  panty hose.  heels.  nice jewelry.  or for casual skinny jeans, flats and a blazer with a shirt.  

(i will try to take pics this week of each look)

i am really enjoying #3 during the week and #1 during the weekend.   i think i am going to ease out of #2 because while i really like it...until i have my flat stomach and tight upper arms, i need to wear things that are not adding to the fluffiness.

i don't know why....but it seems weird to me to be punk one day and corporate the next.  i know it is "OK" but for some reason it feel inauthentic....

on an unrelated note...i am releasing an all-points bulletin....my restriction is gone.  gone, baby, gone.  i am supposed to have my 2 week post gall bladder surgery appointment on friday and was going to get a fill but i am going to move it up if they have time because i feel like i am gaining weight by the day.

speaking of gaining weight...yes, this will be a bad transition...lol...i am so excited for ruby to start again tonight on the style network.   she is bat-shit crazy and i love her.  (and i get a little lesbian vibe from her....ask amy w. about my prediction of lesbians....lol).      so, to get ready for ruby, i have sent the princess to bed early tonight (she was tired anyways), have gotten all my chores done, just need to write my official resignation letter for tomorrow and walk the dogs.... and then at 7 my ass is on the sofa with my ruby.  lol.

14 ounces lighter....

i am pleased to report that the removal of my gall bladder was smashing success!  surgery in general is so much easier to get through when you are not dying from diabetes, high blood pressure and obesity.    i literally walked out of the surgery center one hour after waking up from anesthesia. 

i went back to my parents house and finally came home to my house this evening.  the only effects from the surgery i have is that up until this afternoon i had no appetite, i feel weak and i feel like i did 1,000 stomach crunches.   but really...i feel great.  i am barely taking the pain meds because i need to pee in a cup this week for my new job and oxycodone is such a hot topic down here.  i plan to bring my prescription to the test with my hospital discharge papers just in case.

when i returned to my parents house on friday afternoon i decided to tell the princess that i had surgery.  she is very well versed in surgeries since she has had two major ones beginning when she was 3 months old.    she was such a good little nurse.   i wanted to tell her so she understood fully why i was sleeping a lot and moving slow.   not sure if it is related or not....but my personal mother's guilt will always link the two....friday night the princess had a 6 hour night terror.   it was bad.   when a kid has a night terror (which she does have occasionally) they do not wake up nor do they remember it.   she just screams, kicks and cries.   it is very un-nerving.   so my mom and i dealt with that all night.  as a result i did not take any pain meds the first night.

then...i checked my email saturday morning after we all slept for two hours and saw that kohls was having a sale.   so i talked my mom into taking me and the princess into pushing me around in the store's wheelchair.   i got 5 new dresses for my new job.  yay!

we went back to the house and my friend came over to take the princess to the mall for a couple hours so my mom and i could nap.   when they came back the plan was to call in chinese food but somehow we all talked each other into going to our favorite greek restaurant for dinner.   i was sore after sitting up at the table for a couple hours but no regrets.

sunday i took it easy all day and today as well.   my plan is to stay home the rest of the week and rest --- except that i need to go into work tomorrow or wednesday to give my resignation notice....i received my letter of conditional employment offer (pending pee test, call to current employer and background check) and they plan to announce my employment at the city commission meeting NEXT WEEK so i need to get my ducks in a row stat.

my parents have been great.   really accommodating.   my mom even said it was a good practice run for when i get my plastic surgery (in the far off future now, i guess).   

tomorrow will be mostly rest...and plan to catch up on all the blogs...including the chicago trip.....

Today....

today has been a total "OMG" and "wow" day.....

first let me say THANK YOU so much for your supportive messages to my mommy and friend posts.   I am really reading your comments and thinking about them.  i want to respond back about them and at this point will not be able to do it until this weekend (which could be fun because i will most likely be hopped up on painkillers all weekend after surgery tomorrow....).  i am also going to work hard to figure out rosh hashanah and chicago....i need to be with blogger friends.

but back to today....a year and 20 days ago i blogged about my annual review at work and wrote this:

i also had my annual review this week. my boss basically told me that he is going to mentor me to take over his position in about 2 years (he is out of his 3rd or 4th retirement and in his 70s). this would take me from department director to a city manager/ceo position. the goals and benchmarks he laid out for me were quite high and significant. he also wants me to commit to major executive management training at a national level to make me more prepared to take his position.....you put these two upcoming "changes" together -- weight loss and job -- and i have a pretty big year or two ahead of me. lots of goals. lots of self-improvement. lots of other people's expectations to meet. the truth of the matter of it is i know that i will emerge on the other side of two years looking a like a new person inside and out. wow. kind of scary. but exciting at the same time.

i went to the executive training in June.  it was tough.  fucking tough.  i was a whole analysis of your personality, your leadership style and feedback from your boss, co-workers and employees.  it literally tears you down.    while there i had an emotional moment where i realized that it may be time to move on from my job.   the relationship i have with my job is complicated and one day i will be able to write more about it...but nevertheless i had this moment at the executive training where i realized that i need to move on.

there was only one job i wanted.  only one job that could shake me out of my comfort zone.   and today i was offered it.  i can't say too much yet....but while it is not a city manager position it is over 5 departments (i am currently over 2) and it puts me in the right size city to grow and directly under the city manager.   and today when he offered me the job he made it very clear to me that he was open to grooming me for his job until he retires in a few years......  it is less money and i will lose a lot of perks (like an SUV my current employer gives me), it is a 4 day / 10 hour work week which will be a challenge to this solo-mom and i can no longer coast by on my personality/institutional history like i do at my current job and work when i want and where i want---i will have to WORK.... but it is totally what i want.   i can be out of the closet there (and already am).  i can look towards my career future (which does not exist at my current job). 

AND AND AND never ever ever ever again will i get on an elevator and have to hear "oh! i didn't recognize you!" or "how much weight have you lost?" or "you look so amazing.  how do you feel?"  "how much did the surgery cost?" "can you really eat that?"  or walk into a room and have everyone stop talking and stop to look at me when i wear something new that fits right....ok, i may miss those showstopping moments.... but, damn it, i will no longer work somewhere where i used to be fat.  

i had a great conversation with my mom today about the new job.  she even pointed out that i need a change because of the weight loss i am a different person and ready to take on new challenges.   it was great affirmation from my mommy.

OH MY FUCKING GAWD.   i can't believe that what i only dreamed about being a possibility last february is happening..... wait.  i can believe it.   i made it happen.

now i have to figure out when to tell my boss (and THAT will be heartbreaking)...between surgery, my medical absence next week, etc.  sigh.  and i need to tell him so the city can call and finalize my background check.  
wow.  just wow.

this will only hurt for a minute....

but may take a few minutes to read….

i have a confession to make. over the last 5 months or so i have not been totally forthcoming on my blog. i did not do this out of dishonestly or ill intent…but out of inauthenticity. i have been thinking about this recently as some events have unfolded in my personal life. at the same time i caused these changes in my personal life tessierose (btw, her husband’s constant use of her real first name unnerves me. she is tessierose, damn it!) did a series of posts about shifting friendships. in one post she said the following which i will cut and paste directly from her blog:

•  When I was really big, I was much more of a people pleaser. It was very important to me that people like me. Now, I still want to be liked, but I feel like if someone doesn't, it's not the end of the world.
• When I was really big, I was more over-the-top. I always felt like I had to grab people's attention right away and keep them wowed with my wit and charm so that they would somehow miss out on the fact that I was huge!
• When I was really big, everything was really big...my earrings, my hand bags, I had a bit of a shock factor I suppose, even when I look back at pictures of myself, I realize that I'm being goofy in nearly every picture. I don't feel the need to be the clown now. Now I think I blend in better.
• When I was really big, I felt it my duty to be on point and funny at all times, now I think I'm still funny, but when I'm not in the mood to be the "life of the party" well then, I'm just not.

 when i read this it was a total epiphany moment for me. and it was at that moment that my blog life and personal life suddenly collided.

my inauthenticity started on my birthday september 14th.

i had my first visit to a plastic surgeon that day. while i was in the room waiting i did a quick blog post about being able to fit in a paper gown. i have three of my real life friends receive my blogs via email instantly when i post. i did this because 1. i wanted to share my journey with these people specifically 2. i often called on these 3 for support and i felt instead of trying to re-explain everything it was just easier for them to see my blog and get an insider’s view to my mind and struggles and 3. i trusted them to read this and handle the information here appropriately. so…i hit send on my phone, the blog goes to 3 emails and within minutes one of the three recipients responds back to me and COPIES in the email 3 other people. one is someone who i was trying to date, as normal/chubby girl, at the time; another was someone i only socialize with at her house for parties; and the third was a social acquaintance who is really not that friendly to me and when i try to be friendly to her in social situations because of our mutual friends -- she responds kind of unfriendly. oh…but it gets better…when someone gets your blog post in email there is a link to your blog at the bottom of your email.

all three of these people are NOT people i would want to know that i am celebrating doing something “normal” like fitting into a doctor’s robe. nor are they people i would want reading my blog. sure, if they find it on their own…that is the risk i take blogging…but to have it deliberately shared by my so-called best friend? heartbreak. so the domino effect her sharing my blog had on my birthday is as follows: i could barely concentrate at the doctor appointment. i left there and got in my car and cried. i mean CRIED. i drove straight to one of my work/mommy friend’s office and literally crumbled behind closed doors about my humiliation. i then went out to lunch with my favorite staff members and my work/mommy friend…who took me to my favorite celebratory restaurant, made sure we had my favorite hot waitress and gave me disney gift cards…i could barely muster a smile and kept speaking in code about my humiliation with my work/mommy friend. then we went back to the office. i went into my office, closed the door and cried. i tried to pull myself together and even had to fake a stomach ache when my boss came by to get me to escort me to my surprise cupcake party he arranged for me.

while all this was going on i emailed my so-called best friend to tell her my humiliation. she claimed she did not know that these three RANDOM people did not already get my blog updates. i also got an email from one of the other 3 whom i share my blog with urging me to forgive my so-called best friend because “she would never do anything to hurt you purposely”. i did forgive her. but i also decided not to go to book club that night where i would see her. yes, for a nerd like me book club is a perfect way to spend your birthday. i also went on my blog and said the following words: “i had a major emotional freakout and breakdown today. i will address it another day here. i need to get it out. long story short...if i am going to blog about new beginnings and coping skills ---- i might want to read my own blog and learn from it. if i am going to talk about honesty and integrity i may want to consider not trying to control the access to that honesty. if i am going to bust my ass all year to make it to my 38th birthday i may want to act like i am 38 and not 14.” i never went back and blogged about what had upset me. i chose to gloss over this horrible horrible horrible event in my blog to spare her feelings because, of course, i knew she read my blog. i even blamed myself for acting like a 14 year old and invalidated my feelings. and don’t you fucking know it…my so-called best friend repeated that back to me a couple days later as if i was in the wrong for getting upset. in the reconciliation with my so-called best friend i stressed the importance of loyalty, confidentiality of my blog and my guardedness. she said she would do anything needed to make it right. i gave her a pass.

fast forward to november 18th… a group is going out to a hookah bar. my so-called best friend is going. we hang out. there are a couple new people to our group there i could do-without. even tell my so-called best friend this…but she continues to try to get me to engage with them. i am exhausted and dealing with weird people is not on my agenda for the night. we wrap the night up and as we are walking in the parking lot with the two weirdos….my so-called best friend says in her fakey public voice (which is kind of projecting) “so, heidi, what are your big plans for when you pass through the 200 pound gate?” huh? did you just announce to the parking lot and these two weirdos that i have been trying to avoid all night that i weigh more than 200 pounds????? oh. but it gets better. then, weirdo #1 says to me…”i used to weigh a lot and it took me a long time to stop shopping in the size large”….why is that significant? guess what i blogged about that very week? yep…. in my blog three days earlier i blogged about clothes shopping….kind of random for someone to start talking to me about when i my weight is brought up….so that means that at some point my so-called best friend shared my blog contents with this woman. i am assuming it was verbally at one point that evening…but whothefuckknowsanymore. so i laugh off the comments. get in my car. start to cry and quickly text my so-called best friend to not share my journey with new people. i cry all night. i am so upset that when m, who i was dating at the time, called me i had to tell her what happened. she was appalled. the next day i emailed my so-called best friend and asked her “on what planet is it ok to share another woman’s weight with total strangers?”. i say to her that she of all people knows how much i just want to be normal to new people and put this weight thing behind me…she knows this because she read my blog….she came back with some apology. she said she would not make excuses and went on to blame all the stresses in her life (and make excuses). she also said she just found out that she now weighs more than 200 pounds and blah blah blah finds me so inspiring. i told her to check her enmeshment issues and that her having to lose weight a little over 200 DOES NOT COMPARE to me having to lose weight starting at 373. she said she would do anything to repair our friendship. she said something at the time i did not understand and still do not…she said she would “reset” her brain to understand that what i share with her is not to be shared with anyone else. isn’t that common sense in an adult friendship? she even said that she has betrayed me many times and she was sorry for it. i forgave her. i did not blog about my heartache because i did not want to hurt her. i actually did not blog for two whole weeks after this incident. and when i finally did i only said: “there are some things i really want to explore but always feel like i need to catch-up before i just lay them out there....” again…i never did because i was sparing her feelings. afterall…she did apologize and say it would never happen again (ha!)

i regret not blogging at the time about these events. while i am not the best commenter and i will probably never make it to a chicago event at this rate…i feel like since october 2009 i have worked my ass off to be a part of this blogging community, to be a good friend to bloggers (both here and in real life) and in turn have established myself enough to receive the gift of good support and blogging friendship back from people. i feel like-- had i shared what was going on…instead of protecting someone else (see tessierose’s first bullet point) i would have gotten the support i needed, be more authentic and at the end of the day treated myself a little better.

so….this brings us to the present. i realized last week that my so-called best friend is displaying behaviors and handling her own personal situation in a way that is outside my comfort zone and at the end of the day -- not authentic and i am being asked to go along with this.  my so-called best friend is going through a break-up. there are many different “reasons” for the break-up…depending on who is told what. there is the real story which i am privy to and there is the story her soon-to-be ex (s2bx is my favorite internet acronym) has been manipulated to believe and there is the similar reasons that the rest of the world is being told.

the real reasons for the break-up are not for me to judge….however…and this is a big however….when i see the s2bx beating herself up and regurgitating the reasons for the breakup she has been manipulated into believing to cover up someone else’s calculated path to the breakup….i get pissed. add to that my genuine concern of the s2bx and the s2bx's cold response back to me because i am supposedly best friends with the person breaking up with her (and it occurred to me that your friend's behavior can be a reflection on you and i am working my ass off to improve and evolve myself )…and i just couldn’t take it anymore. i could not take the manipulation and the effect it was having on the innocent partner. so i told my so-called best friend that. needless to say we are no longer best friends…not even friends…and i am ok with that…because in the series of email messages to me after i spoke up to her she went.too.far.

the woman, who by her own admission, had betrayed my requests for loyalty and trust multiple times bombarded me with email after email about her expectation of me to maintain confidentiality about the REAL reason for her breakup. if you think of the events of my birthday and the events of the hookah bar as a scab on my elbow….each email imploring me to “shake hands”, not betray her trust, how she regrets ever trusting me blah blah blah were just picking away at that scab until there was blood dripping down my arm. red, fresh blood that makes you remember how much it hurt when you got the sore at first.

here’s the thing…. i am almost 40. will be 39 this fall. my former so-called best friend is well into her 50s. her first reaction to me speaking up to her about how i did not wish to be a part of the farce anymore was for her to 1. accuse me of “outright egging” her on 2. say the following: “i do expect you to respect the confidentiality of things i trusted you with as they were unfolding. you can only hurt her if you decide to say "here's what you don't know." she will not thank you for it and will not be your friend after that.” 3. ask me to “shake hands” about me not telling her secret that would destroy her not only in how she is trying to manipulate this breakup but also have horrible consequences for her as a leader of the local lesbian community….because nobody likes a _________ and 4. she is trying to tell me how we will act to each other in public, we will not talk poorly about each other, etc. (she is also telling her s2bx how they will act about the breakup in public to the point that the s2bx is barely functioning)....excuse me…but i let my concern for your feelings not only destroy my 38th birthday and publicly humiliate me two months after that but i also let my concern for your feelings also dictate how i would deal with my own feelings publicly (on my blog in those cases)….p.s. want to really talk about regretting trusting people?????? i will make my own decisions on how i am going to process my feelings…thankyouverymuch. (ironically, her response to my telling her i did not support her current behavior was that she appreciates when people tell her exactly what they think of her…but the truth is not many people can tell her exactly what they think of her because she is lying to everyone about everything….)

at the end of day, i am no longer the fat girl that barrels through life, being louder, bigger or more intimidating than anyone else.   i had to be that person when i was trying to mask my weight...when i did not like myself.  i thought i liked myself at the time and being a bully was just who i was.  i am "alpha".   now i know that it is ok, like tessierose said, to blend it.  to be part of the group and not be a trailblazer and knock everyone down as i blaze on through.    i also see the irony that someone who consistently responded to my blog posts with something like: "your insight/ability to change is inspiring to watch" is so not willing to evolve.  i guess i am no oprah when it comes to inspiration...lol.

but like i said, i am almost 40….and as grown evolved adult i believe that i am able to maintain confidentiality without resetting my brain, shaking hands or being bullied (see number 2 above). but can you do me a favor? stop picking at the scab and worrying about my ability not to betray you when you have betrayed me time and time again….maybe it is normal for you to betray people…but most healthy adults get through life and the end of friendships without betrayal. is your guilty conscience overriding your ability to act rationally?  because every email i received telling me how to handle the confidential issues -- and i think there were seven in the span of 30 minutes -- only reminds me of ALL THE TIMES YOU BETRAYED ME...and had me screaming inside REALLY?  REALLY!  REEEEEAAAAAALLLLLYYYYYY??????  you think this is about my ability to keep your dirty little secret and not about your emotional manipulation of me, your wife, your community and the people you lead to believe are your friends but you lie to.   you really regret telling me your secrets?   yeah....pull up a chair and let me tell you about regrets....want to hear how i spent my 38th birthday?  and that is when tessierosie's bullet points on herself and how she relates to her friends hit me.   specifically bullet point #1 about worrying about people liking me.  i was so worried about being friends with someone who repeatedly hurt me that i was willing to hurt myself.    and when i finally said enough is enough she came back and hurt me some more.  but this time....this time...i laughed.  i did not cry.

i know this blog post is walking a fine line between being vindictive and being authentic.  i really see it more as my cathy bates/towanda moment then anything else… of course, the irony of this whole thing is that i have no idea who she has shared my blog with in the past and who in our mutual circles will see this and figure out some things about her on their own…..but i guess that is the way the cookie crumbles. i do know from statcounter that last week someone in west palm beach spent almost two full days on my blog….i also know that someone in our social community --who has the same internet provider that statcounter captured -- basically quoted something from my blog back to me (un-weight related) within those same two days--- something i posted a little while ago and was seen by the west palm beach reader this last week.  could be a coincidence. could be.

of course there will be social consequences for this post. shit, just speaking up to her last week was a partial death to my social life…but i had to. i did not lose all this weight, go through months of therapy, make many adjustments to my mind and body to not be myself. i am done being a people pleaser. i.am.done.   if it means less friends, new friends, no friends...i am ok....because for the rest of my life i have to live with me, me, me and i will not ever let anyone get in the way of the real me again.

one of my favorite bumper stickers says: speak up even if your voice shakes. this is my blog. my authentic home. my safe place. and, damn it, i will never ever ever ever let another person take away my voice, my ability to express myself or my power to stand up for myself again!