stuck

kind of just downloading random thoughts here.

so after sooooo many months of food, drinks, saliva, etc being stuck in my throat all the time i am not dealing with that.  instead i am dealing with a stuck scale.

it is soooooo frustrating.    226.  i go down to to 224.  223.  and then when i weigh in "officially" last thursday i am back at 226.  i was there this morning too, for example.

i know i need to exercise.   there is no time.  really.  

it is so frustrating.   i know i need some more fill.  but worried about getting to tight again.

i am also in job search mode.  two different positions i am actively pursuing.  position #1 is a c*ty m@nag%r position for a small town.   position #2 is an assist@nt c*ty m@nag%r position for a larger city.   i am officially a finalist for position #1.  have been interviewing with each elected official individually over the last week -- including this past weekend.  i have one more scheduled elected official interview to go.  thursday i will find out if i make it to the final cut.   tomorrow night i am attending a public meeting for position #2 to do my research.   that position has closed and i am awaiting the first interview call.  i have been doing a lot of visioning with this position.   for example the morning after i sent in my resume i said at 7:50AM that i expected a personal "thank you for your resume" email in "10 minutes" when the HR person fires up their computer.  needless to say that email came at 8:01 (11 minutes after i visioned it).  i'll take it.

this visioning stuff has to do with my weight loss issues.  and the word stuck.
 but i am so fricking tired right now and my eyes are closing so i will continue tomorrow.   hopefully.

cognitive dissonance -- part two

this morning the scale said 224.  

yesterday it said 226.

2 pound loss.

so...tomorrow it will say 222....right?

LOL.

UGH.

cognitive dissonance

this morning was my "official" weekly weigh-in at home.  this is opposed to the 5 13 other times a day (everyday) that i jump on the scale.

i was down 3 pounds...to 226.   i also went to the doctor this afternoon for a fill.  got 2 more put back in. i am up to 8.5.    not sure on restriction yet as i am on fluids/mushies.  

the scale thing is so fucked up for me.   every morning i jump on the scale naked.  and every day i EXPECT the weight to be 2 pounds down.  really...i have this expectation.  and when it is not two pounds down most mornings i get discouraged.

now, here is the thing...there is a part of my mind that KNOWS that it is totally unrealistic for me to go down 2 pounds every morning.   that would be 14 pounds lost every week and 56 pounds a month.   (cue dreamy music, doves flying, and mice putting a pretty dress on me.....)

really, heidi? you rationally expect to lose 14 pounds a week?  and when you don't -- you sabotage yourself daily.... 

yes.  i do.

this really blows my mind.   i know this is not realistic but yet day in and day out i hop my jiggly naked body on the scale expecting to see a loss of 2.  

i know one solution is to stop jumping on the scale.  i can't.  i am dependent on it at this point.  i remember at one point in the height of my loss and therapy i did not have a scale.   right now i am sooooo scared of waking up at 373 pounds that i need the "security" of the scale in the house -- and more importantly the security of seeing a number on the scale every morning.   preferably 2 less than the number the day before.

TOWANDA!!!!!

don't you just hate when you have your perfect little kathy bates moment and no one even notices?

let me set the scene... i am, of course, kathy bates.... Love is poor ol Ed... my mom is the sassy girls in the convertible....and the gluten free cookies my mom sent home with the Princess is the wall in the house....

when i first settled into this weight loss journey i did some intense therapy that is well documented in this blog. one of the biggest issues i realized, confronted and set out to address was the enmeshment and control issues with my parents --- especially as it related to my almost lifelong obesity.   some families bond over little league baseball.   some over their musical abilities.   we bonded over our obesity.  weight watcher meetings when i was as young as 8 attended to as a family and then out for "fat free" frozen yogurt after our depressing weigh-ins.    we gained together and we dieted together.   and through therapy i learned this was my parents way of controlling me and keeping me as their own.

it is not lost on me that the same week i prepared for my weight loss surgery my parents started hgc diet.   and as i lost weight rapidly....so did they....fortunately, through my therapy i was able to deliberately separate my weight loss process from theirs.

so....i have been gaining weight.  

after you so LOUDLY and PROUDLY and OBNOXIOUSLY lose 180 pounds you KNOW that when you gain 40 or so pounds in a matter of 2 years...people close to you notice.

of course they notice.   just this past week my mom said something about a girl who was "our size"....and i know she was not talking about the size 12 i am still in my mind.

then...this past weekend the princess went to spend some time with my mom....and my mom came up with a nifty little activity for them to do....bake mommy gluten free cookies.   yep...my mom, who knows i am struggling.  knows i gained weight.  not only sent home cookies for "only me" with my daughter...she literally put a pink bow on it.   my mother is not martha stewart.  pink bows are not her thing.   but these cookies came to me with a pink bow.  so proudly given to me by my daughter when my father dropped her off.

so what did i do?

run over them with my car?

politely give them back to my dad?

feed them to the celiac squirrel in our backyard?

no.

i ate 3 of them.   3.   ok, maybe 4.  i don't remember.

then i hid them from myself.

(in case you are ever looking for liquor or carbs in this house --- they are in the cabinet above the refrigerator)

this was sunday night.

monday morning i don't know what happened.  

i woke up MAD.

MAD AS HELL.

MAD.

maybe i do know what happened.  i hopped on the scale.

it said 231.

i went TOWANDA.

i grabbed the hidden cookies, the hidden treats, dumped the cheese dip, the chocolate i was holding onto since last halloween (and that i stole from the princess), the candy hearts from valentines day (that i stole from the princess).   all of it.  in a bag and in the garbage can outside.   (it was garbage day  -- thank god).

Love didn't even notice me stuffing the bag and storming out of the house.   good ol Ed.

seriously....what good is a temper tantrum and being mad at your mom if no one even notices?????

(total jewish daughter guilt disclaimer here:  i love my mom.   i really love my mom.  i appreciate that she kept the princess with her all day sunday while i dealt with a bad cold.   i appreciate that she thought to do something "nice" for me.....but please...mom...stop feeding me....and, no, i do not have the ability to tell her...something about enmeshment and fear of letting my parents down.....vicious cycle....)