thoughts on shaving my legs and other uncomfortable things....

so back when i was dating my most recent ex-girlfriend i walked into my bathroom one day and she was shaving her legs.   no big deal.   but she was standing in my shower with her leg up on the wall shelf about 2 3/4 feet in the air.   huh?  it was such an odd sight for me to see.  it never occurred to me to stand on one leg, not hold onto the wall and shave my legs.   so this weekend after NOT shaving my legs for a couple weeks i decided to shave my legs just in case...lol...  before i knew what i was doing lil ole me was standing in the shower, right leg hoisted up, toes touching the shelf a little less than 3 feet in the air, not holding onto the shower bar my dad had installed for me when i was dying 373 pounds.   but here is what i really noticed... i was no longer uncomfortably bending over hoping to get all the hair on the legs i could barely touch -- but now i was contorting my calves this way and that way so i could get enough fat up top because my shins are now so frickin boney.   lol.  needless to say, it is a good thing just in case never happened because i walked around saturday night with little pieces of toilet paper stuck to my legs like a 14 year old girl....

i have been really trying to challenge myself to go outside of my comfort zone lately.   i like my comfort zone.  it is nice and warm and fuzzy.  it is also a place where it is really easy to be fat.   i am starting to realize that i am kind of not really that fat anymore....(yes, i am almost finally getting it).    i think this week i did very well with going outside my comfort zone with very little effort, angst or thought.   in bullet points and no particular order....

• an acquaintance told me about a gay jewish dance taking place last night.   it was for a synagogue i consider "elderly".   she said it would be fun and she knew other young people going.  so i said "what the hell!" and went.  i also offered to car pool with this acquaintance which further committed me to going.   and you know what.... it was somewhat elderly. (and an ex of mine was there) and there were some other young people and it was FUN.  i literally danced for 3 hours straight.  by myself.  with old gay men.  young gay men.  old lesbians. young lesbians.   and i had a frickin blast at a place where i was so outside my little bubble and comfort zone.   i knew only my companion, my ex and one crazy ass wOman -- in a room where everyone else knew each other and i held my own, did not want to eat or disappear.

• i made plans with Electric Band Stephanie to go to bootcamp on Sunday morning.   i am not sure if you know this...but i DETEST exercise.   but i said "what the hell!" and committed to going.   that is until when i woke up and it was 38 degrees out (!!!!) and this bootcamp was supposed to be in the park.    so i canceled.   but when Stephanie texted me later about getting together anyways -- instead of just hiding out at my parents (which was the plan) i said "what the hell!" and met up for a quick whole foods lunch.  and i am glad i did.   it was really nice to be with someone who is on the same wavelength about life.

• saturday night i went out with a woman who i had tried to date last summer/early fall.  i was hurt by her back then.  but she and i have started talking again and she wanted me to meet her sister (and more to the point her sister to approve of me).   so i figured "what the hell!" and agreed to hang out with her and her sister.     and i am glad i did.   it was a great time for us to reconnect.   of course, since they are latin and in my experience when you date a latin woman you date her sisters, her cousins, etc. because they are all so close lol, i had to totally work my charm on both of them.  how frickin exhausting.   but i have been told i was successful....

• last week i was contacted by a woman who i met recently at a poker game.  she has asked me out for a drink when she is back in town next week.   she is 24 (!!!!!!)...but i figure "what the hell!" and said yes and in the meantime i am having a nice time getting to know her by email until she is back.

• a little footnote to the last two bullet points...some months ago my friend T and i established the Cougar Rule.  In order for a woman to be considered a cougar she needs to have graduated high school by the time you started kindergarten...essentially 13 years older than you.    bullet point #1 is 16 years older than me and i am 14 years older than bullet point #2.   yes, ladies...i have reached my peak....i have one who is a cougar to me while i am a cougar to the other one.  

AND NOW FOR SOMETHING COMPLETELY NEW....(and mind blowing to me)....

i am taking a class and this week's assignment is to write my life story.   one of the areas we are supposed to cover is a "hardship" we have experienced and how we handled it.     i wrote glowingly of my childhood, parents, etc.   but i could not really think of anything for a hardship.  and then i thought that i could write about my obesity.   and in the midst of writing "i have lost 170 pounds...." i got incredibly uncomfortable with sharing that.  not shame. i kept thinking how 373 was so far behind me and not really part of me anymore.  COULD IT BE AFTER MANY ATTEMPTS IN 2010 I HAVE FINALLY STARTED TO REALLY LET GO?????

Planned Mental Health Day

It is never too early to start working on your base tan.....

mistakes.

so....one of the big issues that has identified for me in regards to my bingeing/food addiction/food obsession/food hoarding/whatever you want to call it and what i have been doing this past week NONSTOP is that it stems from some control/perfectionist issues.... my underlining enmeshment issues with my parents and my fear of not being the perfect daughter and wanting to please them above myself all the time.

i can tell you that on an intellectual level i understand this...i have accepted it...but i have not perfected (ha!) the art of filtering my control/perfectionist issues.  which brings us to today's emotional exchange with my daughter today....

we are in the car at a red light after i pick her up from school.  i look in her book bag and see a math test with "minus 3" on it.  

me:  i know you know your math (it is basic counting and math) you need to slow down and not rush through your work.

the princess: i do go slow. 

me:  then maybe you should go back and check your answers before you turn in your work.

princess:  the tears start flowing.... i did go slow!!!!

me:  stop crying?

princess:  you go to school to learn.   that is what my teacher tells me.

me:  i know, princess.  but you know this easy math.

princess:  crying...making mistakes is part of learning MOMMY!  i go to school to learn and make mistakes, MOMMY!

*******************

OMG.  OMG.  OMG.   probably one of the lowest points in my parenting thus far.   my five year old gets what it takes me $50 a week in therapy to learn -- and i am not even to the point of getting it.

i feel like total shit.  i feel like i am creating a child who is growing up to not be allowed to make mistakes.   a child who is not allowed to show emotion.  a child like me.   a child who will grow up unable to cope with mistakes without addiction.  a child like me.

my intellectual side is grateful that i am aware enough today in the car to stop and hear her when she says that making mistakes is ok.  because of my awareness of my issues i was able to recognize what she was saying and not tell her that it is not ok to make mistakes.... but my emotional side is fucked up tonight.  it scares me how deep my issues not only run, but run over too. 

it scares me how i lack coping skills.  as i sit here typing i am in physical pain from bingeing while i was blogging and just want to literally throw up.   ugh.

Weekend in Review...

Back from Maryland. Busy week ahead -- both at work and with social engagements.... but in the meantime the weekend was fun, fun, fun. Relaxing, no drama fun!

The reason we went... for the Princess to have her first snow and play with her cousins!



My Cousin, her husband and kids, the Princess and my Uncle.   It always amazes me when I see pictures and how my shoulder width is "normal".

There was a ropes course at the princess' cousin's birthday party.  Never one to tell her what her what may or may not be too scary for her, I figured she would get two stories into the air and chicken out....until I looked up and saw THIS!



Then....oh my...then she decided to do the portion with NO HANDRAILS.  WTF???? (but, then again, as my mom pointed out to me...i am *the* mommy who zip lined down a street in Vegas a told my kid all about it....)

i loved spending (not enough) time with Linda....she is soooo sweet.   it really is amazing how you can connect on such a personal level with a "stranger".... she and i had our kindergarten chair challenge earlier this year --- so it was extra special to have our inspirations with us.  and yes, they were that silly from the MOMENT they met each other!

 

the princess and her new B.F.F   they were sooooo cute. 

Florida Girls Gone Wild....

I got a run in my pantyhose today....

....and ran into the grocery store for a new pair.....just sayin....

pinching myself purposely....

i really think one of the best things i have done for myself lately is to go back and read my blog from start to present.

it really reminded me of how far i have come.  of the small victories that really weren't that small and of how not stuck i really am. 

the other thing reminding myself of these victories has done, has been to make me notice and APPRECIATE things more lately.   today, for example, i had to fly over to Tampa.  sure i already have given up the seat belt extender.  sure, the table goes down.  but today when i put on the seatbelt without putting the side arms up and sat with the whole 45 minute flight with my legs comfortably crossed and at least 3 inches between my crossed leg and the seat in front of me...i made sure to notice, smile and enjoy this small, but significant moment.   sure, it is a "normal" occurrence, and that is what i want afterall....but it is still special.    it also points to my word/goal...to live.   and to enjoy life.   i think for my mind to shift to meet my body, i need to appreciate and enjoy my new body/life more.

speaking of that much needed shift....man, oh, man is my body image still fucked up.   this weekend i will be going to maryland to see my cousins (and hopefully Bandwidth Linda!).   i guess all these years in the florida sun has fried my brain because it did not occur to me that it would be THAT COLD up there until yesterday when i casually checked the weather.  what does this have to do with my body image?  everything.  because my first thought was to be bummed for the sole reason that it means that i will have to wear layers and bulky clothes and my cousin may not notice my 165 pound weight loss.   yes.  i seriously had a couple hours where i thought that a sweat and jacket would make me look like i still weighed 373 pounds and not the (less than?) 208 that i currently weigh.     but now, that i have caught my thoughts, i am working on correcting them.   thus, you will not see breaking news on cnn this weekend of a chubby girl walking around in 29 (TWENTY NINE) degrees weather wearing short jeans skirts and tight shirts to show off all her deliciousness.....

but back to enjoying and taking care of myself.... i have been wanting to get myself a ring.   a ring that does not fall off my new skinny fingers and a ring to celebrate my journey.   i finally found what i was looking for this weekend at an arts festival.  isn't it cool?  it is sterling with 2 14k balls and a black pearl.  i really like it.  most art show rings are too clunky and heavy for my tastes.  this one was perfect.

so i "lost" weight...

but i still weigh 208.  i am sooooo confused.   i *thought* i weighed 208.   at least that is what i remember weighing at my 1 year appointment.   so when i went into the surgeon's office yesterday for a smidge of a fill i was blah about the scale showing 208.  but the tech told me i lost 6 1/2 pounds.  huh?   apparently when i went in for a baby fill at the end of november i was up to 214 1/2.  i must have been in total denial and blocked that out of my head.   so the good thing is i am actually down and not in a plateau AND i got a baby fill this week to bring me back to a good control point.

this little surprise loss has definitely motivated me.  i have set a new goal of definitely/without a doubt/positively being under 200 pounds by february 11th.  this is a back to basics goal for me.   the princess will be 6 (SIX!) on feb 11th.   and regardless of my motivation and reasons for losing weight now...as my therapist always reminds me, i decided to have surgery for one simple reason...because "i am a mom".    so i will live to see my daughter graduate high school.  so i can be a healthy role model.   

my next appointment is february 1st.  i hope plan to be 198 by then.   and will be 195 by her birthday.  i will forever leave the 200s behind -- for both of us.

i really going to commit this month to no chips, crackers or other blatant carbs.   i am also going to recommit to my gluten-free lifestyle.  i am gluten intolerant, although with the weight loss my intolerance seems to have gone into remission so it is less of a motivator to stay away from blatant carbs.   but i know regardless if i am getting sick from gluten or not -- it is not healthy for me, my body, my skin, etc.

so....here i go.....

having the floor pulled out from under me....

so i have always said that my 3 biggest "systems" in place for this journey are my support group, my therapy and my blog.

well....as i blogged about recently i knew that i would miss support group for a class i am taking for the next 3 months.  BUT i said...i said...that was manageable because i was working out with 2 other women from support group twice a week with a private trainer.  so i felt that was an adequate "touchpoint".   today i found out that the trainer dumped us.   no.  not because we are horrible whiners  -- which we are.   she dumped us because she got "better" clients.    so good-bye modified support group for me.  fine whatever, i thought.   i even had a funny blog post written in my head about being dumped by my trainer in the place that boca del vista on seinfeld is actually based on.

then.  then i go to support group tonight knowing it is my last group pretty much until april and i find out from the bariatric coordinator that my therapist who leads a monthly group session at support is not going to lead group for a few months but will be back in "you know 5,6, NINE months....."  WHAT?  she is pregnant?  i didn't know that.   who cares about group....when is she going to stop working?  is she going to come back?   or is she going to stay home FORfuckingEVER?    i know.  i know.  i know that she is probably only 3 or 4 months pregnant since i didn't notice on her.  so i know i have some time.   but this is unnerving me.  i see her on thursday and i guess i will talk to her about it then.

so that means i am just left with my blog.   get ready for me to become oneneedyattentionseekingwhoreofablogger STAT.  lol.

now that i have gotten all of these thoughts out of my head and out into cyberspace i can take a deep breath and 1.  know it will be ok and 2. tell myself to stop FREAKING out over the unknown.

i want to blog about support group tonight because the topic was interesting.  at the end i announced the social network i started and it was very well received.  it is so interesting to me how many other people are craving face time with "others like us".   i also met someone who is "one of us" bloggers there and it was great talking to her afterwards.   

i blame jimmy buffett....

it really started innocently enough.   four former fat girls decide to weather the crowds and parking deck madness and head out to CityWalk Orlando for dinner and drinks.   i can not and will not speak for anyone else....but for me...i am one Havanas and Bananas and some Fried Pickles in and we decide to walk around and "window shop".   there is some vera bradley on sale.   there are FitFlop boots being tried on.  

and then....from across the crowded shop....like a beacon in a long dark cold florida night i see a pair of "Not Your Daughter Jeans".  size 14.  claim to be "tummy tuck" jeans.  i say: "i am going to try them on". "ha ha", i say.   "i may cry", i say because i have been struggling so much in my head with my stomach size that i have avoided pants shopping for months.    i hear a skinny sales girl say "i want to see them on you".  great.   i steal a glance at myself in the dressing room mirror and tell myself to just go through it.   don't cry, heidi.  it is just stupid expensive jeans.  maria, amy and stephanie of all people will understand if i am not a size 14 in expensive jeans yet.   

they go on.   and by "they go on" i mean they just go on.   up my legs, over my stomach and butt and zip.  on.  done.  never one to just sit back and accept things... i fly out of the dressing room.  do a twirl and go get the size 12s.   what the hell, right?    they go on.   well...amy had to finish pulling the zipper up for me but it was not like i had to lay down on a bed to suck it in anymore to get them to zip and my stomach was not hanging out of the fly.   

so....a picture taken by maria and $92 later...they are mine.   or so i thought.....

as we walk away from the store, Electric Band Stephanie announces that the jeans are hers next and it is only "lettuce and chicken, bitch" for me so that i will rapidly shrink out of them and hand them down to her, amy and maria.  

sooooooo..... if you are interested....there is *apparently* another challenge floating around....motivate heidi out of the size 12 expensive jeans and fit into them yourself.... lol.   no scales to take a picture of every week.  just fit into the damn jeans. 

apparently....

I am only allowed to eat chicken and lettuce so I will shrink out of these size 12 (!!!!!!!!) skinny (and expensive) jeans so Electric Band Stephanie can have them.

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band friendly birthday dessert ....

NOT. But we have 4 spoons!!!!

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florida BOOBs!!!!

At Margaritaville.........

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refelction and looking ahead....my word...

i have been tasked with working on a gratitude list to get me over the i have failed crap swimming around in my head.    i am not good with gratitude.   it is not like i am doom and gloom --- instead i think "why should i be grateful for a good job? i worked my ass off for it...."  i am not good at appreciating the little things.

so....to get myself in the right mindset i went back and re-read my blog from jan 1 to yesterday.  well, one thing i can say is....this is my first time being committed to journaling in my life.  years and years of starting a hello kitty journal from the time i was a wee one and even in college never made it past the first week.  i think it is now i really have something to say/feel authentically. 

so here is my list:

in 2010 i am grateful for....

my support group...it was clear in reading my blog that it was pivotal to my journey in the beginning of the year.

my therapist....she is the first one to really drill down to my issues and not treat me as someone who "just needs to lose weight and all will be perfect".  she calls me on my shit and does not let me get away with it.

the continued, but healthier, relationship with my parents. 

improvements at work that are a result of my own hard work and commitment to bettering myself.   this proves to me that i can make a difference in my behavior and the perception people have of me.

travel worries are gone.  my job requires a lot of car and occasional air travel.  i am grateful that these are no brainers in my life now with the recent 115 pounds gone. 

i am grateful for the overall energy i have now because it is allowing me to parent my child better.... reading back through my blog i was reminded of all the things that i did with her that i just couldn't make myself do before....going on waterslides, snorkeling, the 10 days in the keys, going to washington dc on a whim with the princess, spending all day at the mall, volunteering in her classroom.  just being present in her life and not worried all the time that i am going to die.

my health.  no diabetes.  no nagging worries of a heart attack.   the pain is gone.   now my legs hurt at the end of the day because i ran into the mall in beach flip flops for "one thing" and ended up walking around on the hard tile for 6 hours without realizing it. 

my authentic self.  i am happier.  i am so grateful that i did all the hard work to uncover my authentic self.  i really am pleased with who i found.   she is definitely someone i can live with for the rest of my life and not feel the need to cover her up with an excess 200 pounds of unhealthiness.

so.... with that in mind i have decided on my word for 2011.  in 2010 my word was "believe".   i liked it.   my motto was: "Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, it became a butterfly"....  i liked them both.   they served me well.  belief in myself got me through this.  my over confidence really kept me afloat for much of the year.   the butterfly motif and the motto focused me at random moments about my journey.  by default my symbol became the butterfly.

my word for 2011 is life/live.   i am committed to living more. not being so much on a one-track journey but really getting out there and living the life i have not lived.   sure, maybe a little living la vida loca....but really a more purposeful life.  i have started to take some steps towards that recently, and hope to share them here when the time is right and as we go through the year.  

my motto for 2011 is "It's time to start living the life you've imagined" by Henry James.  or the similar one by Henry David Thoreau "I learned this, at least, by my experiment; that if one advances confidently in the direction of his dreams, and endeavours to live the life which he has imagined, he will meet with a success unexpected in common hours."

my symbol is the tree of life.   and in honor of the new year and new mantras i have changed up my blog a wee bit to reflect this.  i actually made 4 different header and i am not sure which one i like best yet.  i am going to go with this one for now.... but i reserve the right to break my own rule and to change my blog again....lol....

happy new year to all....