day 365

today is a day of reflection.   it is the last day of the first year of the rest of my life.  (geez....the tears are already flowing....).   tomorrow will be my one-year band anniversary.   

it really has been a couple weeks of reflection.  starting with a visit with Babbling Amy on October 29.   it was just wonderful.  we talked.  the kids played.  we sat in the hot tub.   we at AMAZING homemade broccoli ham cheddar soup.   we both talked about being "stuck" both on the scale and in our heads.   and we decided that our one-year anniversaries need not be "Day 366" but Day 1.   it is not the homestretch.  it is a new beginning.  for me, i have to lose 40 more pounds.  i have lost a gazillion this year....i *think* i can eeek out another 40.   seriously.  is 1/3 of what i have lost this year.   it is really 3-4 pounds a month over the next year.  sure, it is a step back from my rockstar 10 pounders....but not only totally doable--- but really realistic.  

i think know sometimes i get lost up in the big picture and forget to look around at the small moments.   as i typed the paragraph above i reminded myself that the first 80 pounds were lost on this journey in increments of 40.   time for me to step back and go back to the basics. 

i am training with a personal trainer twice a week.  she is the same lady that comes to my support group once a month.   four of us got together and she agreed to train with us at the same time for only $20 each per session.  it is great.  lots of one on one time.  she is helping me focus on my arms and belly.  

love life is divine.  i am definitely in the pre-stages of love.  she is just incredible.  i can't believe she is in my life.   we are really happy together.

i am still struggling with the mirror of distortion vs. the mirror of reality....so i share the following for my own reinforcement.

last year at Disney Halloween Party: 

this year.... (the princess is aerial and i am ursala from the little mermaid):

me at the grown-up halloween party last year:

me at the grown-up halloween party this year:

and so many NSVs in the last month it is sometime overwhelming.... i never really blogged in whole about vegas...so some NSVs from that trip and a report on buffet eating....

Vegas NSVs:

• i never got tired from walking.

• i danced on a bar.    in order to dance on a bar you need to climb up and down from the bar.  did that.   
•  sat on the floor of the airport.
• and i fucking ziplined down a street off the top of a 5 story building.  to do that one must get weighed.  i was waved on by by the lovely woman who stood guard at the scale.  the guy in front of me weighed in at 250 and was told he was right on the dot. 
• i shopped at Guess and bought myself two new items of clothing.  the young sales girl did not give me a funny look...instead she ran around the store picking out things she thought would look perfect on lil ole me.
• while in vegas i threw out a lot of the clothes i wore -- including all my pajamas because they were ridiculously big. 

(real quick on the buffets.... i was able to use my medical card at two buffets and pay the child's price...the M resort and the Rio....two of the nicer buffets i am told.  at our hotel the Freemont Hotel they would not allow a discount on the buffet but instead told me i could order and pay ala carte...bleech)

and here are some other NSVs....

• my personal trainer sees me as "advance" in what i can do.  i am the last person to have surgery in our group of four but she sees me as the one she can push because i don't have any "limitations".

• the hot woman i am dating stayed over the other night and did not have anything to wear the next day...so she pulled a pair of pants and a sweater out of my closet and wore them.  she is a perfect womanly size 12.  the pants were regular size 14s. Sweater was INC large.  sweater was perfect on her, pants were a little baggy.  to think i have a girlfriend who can wear my clothes....strange.   awesome.

• i wore a size 12 old navy denin skirt yesterday. 

• it feels like of cruel saying this...but it *was* one of my goals... i am NOT the fattest mom in my daughter's kindergarten class.

the jimmy buffett song "lovely cruise" has been in my head all morning.   if you don't know it...google it...listen to it... you need the tune to understand the words....i shall leave you with the lyrics as my final thoughts on this past year....because, really,  those harbor lights....they're coming into view

 

 

Drink it up

 

This ones for you

 

It's been a lovely cruise

 

I'm sorry it's ended

 

It's sad but it's true

 

Honey it's been a lovely cruise

 

 

 

These moments were left with

 

May you always remember

 

These moments are shared by few

 

There's wind in our hair

 

And there's water in our shoes

 

Honey, it's been a lovely cruise

 

 

 

These moments we're left with

 

May you always remember

 

These moments are shared by few

 

And those harbor lights

 

Aw they're coming into view

 

We bid our farewell much too soon

 

So drink it up

 

This one's for you

 

Honey, it's been a lovely cruise

 

Yea baby, it's been a lovely cruise

 

Oh darlin' it's been a lovely cruise

 

 

 



the difference between 37 and 38....

in the past, i usually spend 3-4 days around my birthday at disney and/or on a disney cruise.  last year was both.   last year....well, last year i was "thinking" about surgery and going through the process but at that point it was not a reality.   also, last year on my birthday my daughter had an appointment with her neurosurgeon and it was determined that she needed another back surgery and intensive plastic surgery.  he did not want us to go to disney or on the cruise but i pleaded with him to let us go knowing how long the recovery process is.

this year...i don't have time for a long trip to disney or a cruise.  between our recent trip to the keys, a trip to DC in two weeks and everything else that keeps us busy we spent yesterday at disney celebrating my 38th birthday.  my actual birthday is on tuesday.   tomorrow i will meet with my therapist and say good-bye to my former self.    i have my letter written and (i think) i am ready to do this.   i have also stated in that letter that in my journey moving forward i will not look at my fat pictures.   so....here you have the last showing of then and now  pictures (maybe. for now. we'll see).

37th Birthday dinner at Cinderella's Castle.

this picture will be destroyed tomorrow with the letter and washed away in the current... the "funny" thing is, i had this picture in my mind a lot this weekend. and when i looked at current pictures i thought you would see very little difference in me. today i realized how fucked up my current body image is. 

38th Birthday Lunch at Living Seas (EPCOT) -- pic taken by *my* princess

37th Birthday Picture with Mickey

38th Birthday with Mickey

Obligatory Castle Pic -- 37th Birthday (4 hours after finding out about princess' next surgery)

Obligatory Castle Pic -- 38th Birthday

37th Birthday "Cake" (just berries) because i was hoping if i ate this way i would live longer.

38th Birthday "cake" -- do-it-yourself sundae off the children's menu... because this year i was celebrating living!

and finally... this picture was taken in April 2006 at the Living Seas in EPCOT. i have kept it on my refrigerator since 2006 as my "motivation" picture to lose weight. of course, it never motivated me NOT to open the fridge. in fact, recently i took it down because i was embarrassed by it. i will be replacing it this week with the new picture taken in the same spot this weekend.

 

re-entering the blog world

so last night i saw the only friend that gave me a less than enthusiastic reception when i told her i had surgery back in november.    her response was something along the lines of "yeah, i thought about doing it the easy way but me and my husband just signed up for weight watchers again".   ok.  maybe the "again" was added by me, but it is true.  lol.   anyhoo...let's just say that her mouth dropped to the floor when she saw me last night.    she also proceeded to tell me that she had gone to surgery seminars before and now she wanted my doctor's number.   so, being the good band ambassador that i am, i told her i would go to my surgeon's seminar with her when she is ready.  she also brought up concerns about missing pizza and hanging skin.   sure, they are valid concerns we all have in the beginning BUT i think i can say with confidence now that those are really just self-created roadblocks to stop ourselves from losing weight.

this all went down at my "straight book club".   and while we were talking someone else chimed in that she everyone she knows who had the band only gets to "pleasantly chubby" and never skinny.  gee thanks.

things are going well from a band perspective.   moving right along with my weight-loss.   this thursday is my 7 month check-up so i will know my weight then.   i got my restriction back and really, this is just a regular part of life for me now.

i have been staying very active.  did a 11 mile bike ride recently on my new bike.  lots of outdoor activities.   this past weekend was Gay Days at Disney and i really enjoyed myself with my daughter and a good friend.   here is a picture of me and the princess. 

i feel somewhat obligated to explain my absence from blogging.   while it has not been deliberate, per se, there are reasons.  

one reason is that i was starting to feel a little too exposed with people i know in real life.   i don't mind that they are reading this, and i certainly don't mind their comments here or in personal emails to me regarding what they read here.  but there were a couple instances where the contents of a recent blog were discussed in front of people who are neither privy to my blog nor did i really know enough at all to discuss the surgery with.   and you know, i have been very open about the surgery.  but it really put me in an uncomfortable position to literally be standing around in a group where i really know some people and don't know others AT ALL and have someone ask in front of the group about something i just blogged about.   i wanted to just blend into that crowd as a normal person who is so fucking close to being normal sized.

another reason for my lack of blogging is all the work i am doing in therapy.   some of it is mind blowing stuff that is really helping me evolve quite quickly into a better person.    so because of the exposure i felt above, i really didn't feel comfortable knowing that one day i could be standing in a crowd and someone could say "so...that was kind of interesting how your therapist said you were a blankity blank..."  and, i also just don't feel like sharing some of it right now with blogging community either.    interestingly enough, this reason not to blog is a systematic of something greater in my healing process and that is my usual way of seeing things of all or nothing.   never in the middle.  so after talking last week in therapy about it, i realized i did not have to stop blogging completely, i could just change the focus of what i blog about.  because i really do miss blogging.

and that brings me another reason why i stopped blogging... i am at this point, 7 months out, where i just want to to "normal".   i don't want to make a big deal out of wearing size 16 old navy skirts.   i don't want everything i do for the rest of my life to be a comparison to my former life.  i just want to move forward.  i know that does not sound too mentally healthy... and i am aware of that...but i am just not at the point where i want to look back and realize that maybe i wasn't that perfectly adjusted fat person after all.    it is hard enough rethinking my relationships with my parents, friends, lovers, co-workers and even strangers on the street...i can't, i mean CAN'T, everyday redefine my image of who i was compared to who i am today.  that is too painful and not something i am up for or care to do at this point.

and finally, i just found myself spending too much time living vicariously through the blogs, when i realized that there are so many things i rather be doing in real life.   i want to spend more time outdoors.  i want to catch up on reading.  i want to date again.   i want to live life.   every moment of my life.  and not zone out in front of the computer night after night.

so i am going to recommit to my blog.   i still want to record my journey.  i still want to be helpful to others who come across my blog.   but i am not sure how much i can participate in the community as a whole.   my focus on my blogging activities will now be more of a journal as opposed to a community.  it is not aimed at anyone.  so please understand if i don't visit too many other blogs right now.  i need to stay "inside" myself and stop looking "outside" for thoughts/entertainment/validation.  it is a major part of my personal journey and evolution.   

back from cruise. back to basics.

the cruise was abslutely WONDERful.    my parents loved it (their cabin was their anniversary present from me and they were unsure of a cruise with no casino...lol).   and the princess had an amazing birthday.   as you can see from the pictures we are "that" family -- that wears silly outfits and lives for theme nights!  lol.  LOVE IT!

i was in full control with my eating and mostly stuck with appetizers.   one night i had a "Mixed Grill" entree as my only food and ate about 1/4 of it.  basically got in a couple bites of each meat on the plate.    because i am doing the Love Me challenge i weighed myself at my parents when we got back yesterday.  i was up 1 pound.  and.this.is.why.i.can.not.weigh.myself.   i went into total self sabotage mode yesterday.  even ordering a pizza "for the princess".  i will most likely complete this challenge -- but after this NO MORE for me.  no more weekly weighing.  my plan had been to only weigh once a month at the surgeons and that is what i am going to do.  i know that the one pound is because i mostly at things like smoked salmon, tuna tartare and shrimp cocktails  -- water retention foods.  and i know i was not the best with my daily water intake.   but i can not put myself in a position where i am going to a. self sabotage or b. live by excuses. 

which brings me to today's theme...   i am now only doing things that feel right for ME ME ME.  and right now the only things that feel right for ME are being a mom/daughter, being healthy mentally, intellectually and physically and making a living (which enables me to be a mom and to be healthy).  family.health.career.   

this all hit me on the last night of the cruise as i sat at the table with my family and realized that i had everything i needed in the world at that table.   my parents.  my daughter.  my health.  and the means in which to afford these types of vacations.   family.health.career.

this means that i am going to become more discriminate with my social outings.   in the last year i have gotten very involved in a women's social group.  it is amazing.  but at the same time i find myself going to more and more than i really can swing.  i need to pick and choose my times away from the princess more wisely.  i need to make sure they are events i want to be at and do not feel obligated to be out.  i love to read, i love to be around smart people.  these lead me to being intellectually and mentally healthy. and i know this sounds absolutely crazy to my non-lapband friends reading this...but if this means i choose to stay in and read blogs and blog my thoughts...that is what i will do over going out. family.health.career.

this also means i am not dating right now.   in the week leading up the cruise i realized in the midst of some dating drama that i can no longer be responsible for making sure someone else is "ok" or that my actions or words make them happy.   and the way to avoid being put into that situation right now is to not date. family.health.career.

i know this sounds super-selfish --- but i am ok with that.   this year is about ME ME ME and that may mean that i come across as selfish or cold.  family.health.career.

just like i have trained myself to go for protein first when eating.  i will train myself with every choice i make with spending my time --- does this benefit my family? health? career?

today is a beautiful 70 degrees in south florida.   the schools are closed as is my employer.  the princess and i have all the windows open and we are enjoying the last day of our vacation at home.  tonight is support group.   this week i have to travel two days/one night for work and then friday is a half day at work.  so all in all an easy week which will allow me to refocus my energy and start the rest of my life....

successful eating thoughts going your way....

my thought on restriction...

it fuckin rocks!   enough said.   i am tigggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhht.  but not bad tight.  i finally understand how it is possible to ONLY each 3 small protien-first meals a day.

tomorrow we embark on our disney cruise.  yay!  tomorrow my baby is 5 years old.   WAH!  speaking of which....  i was contacted by the foster care agency yesterday.  at this time they do not expect any children from haiti to place.    but i will most likely be going through their foster care licensing program this spring.   i spoke to the princess about us bringing another child into the home and she did not flush a babydoll down the toiliet (like i did when my parents told me about my baby sister) so i think we are good.to.go... or at least in a place where we can explore this option.

support group on monday was....interesting....  it was one of those times when you just sit back and tell yourself "she needs the support of the group tonight more than i do"....  a lot of our discussion focused on food choices, carbs and mindful eating.  someone in the group suggested a life coach to another patient.   there is apparently one who specializes in wls...as she is a wls patient herself.  i have not really had time to read up on her but you can find her here....http://toomuchonherplate.com/melissa-mccreery/

have a great and successful weekend...and remember...it is better in the bahamas....

Goal Met!!! (10 days early, thankyouverymuch)

my first goal was to lose a total of 40 pounds by our disney cruise next thursday.   this morning was my 3 month post-op appointment and i recorded a 10 pound loss this month!  woo hoo.  actually to be even more boastful -- today is really 2 month 3 weeks since my surgery.   i went in a week early so i can have time to adjust to the fill before the cruise.  the last thing i need is to be pb'ing all over the ship.  

i had great restriction up until this past tuesday so i took a 1/2 cc of fill.  i am hoping this will do the trick.  even though the PA said i could come back next week before the cruise if i needed more, at this point i rather not risk it and just come in for the other 1/2cc after the cruise, if needed.

i was sooooooooooooooo nervous getting on the scale.  i am not sure i will ever be able to kick that old feeling.   i even mentioned it to the nurse while i was getting on the scale with one eye closed.   i told her that next time dr. bass needs to give me a lobotomy.  she said "then you won't be able to celebrate your success!".  she was so cute.   have i told you how much i love my surgeon's office?  lol.  <---- look!  you don't even have to wait until tonight to read that!

so i am ready with my next goal.  i am trying to stay motivated and realistic.....so.....the next goal to meet is a total of 65 pounds by mother's day -- may 9th.  

speaking of being realistic...in the car from the surgeon's office back to my office i was suddenly overcome with emotion because i realized that i was going to succeed.   i realized that i was going to meet or exceed every goal.  i realized that i will really be skinny one day.   it was a total good emotional cry.   a proud cry.  the kind of cry that happens when your beautiful daughter does something amazing.

i have also noticed that i have started to plan my life in 10 pound/per month increments.   i am attending a pool party in june.   when i saw that -- i thought..."ok, by then i should be 80 pounds down".  lol.  there is a big party in april..."ok, i will be down 60 pounds".   lol.  i think it is so funny everytime i catch myself thinking in 10 pounds.  does anyone else do this?

ok...back to work... it is a rainy, rainy day here in south florida.

have a successful day!

weird dreams...

i know i was utterly exhausted last night after the whirlwind disney trip.  the princess can not walk and do the required standing at disney so i also have to push an almost 5 year old in a stroller all day.  that sounds more dramatic than it is.  she can walk...she is just unable to do long distances or times.  good thing i am not carrying my own extra weight...

but anyhoo....i had the weirdest dreams last night...the first was that we were each assigned a "section" in our support group.  i don't remember all the sections but mine was exercise.  i was supposed to lead my group in exercise every session.   in my dream i just lost it.  hysterically cried.   i was so upset.  then in my dream someone said something about my boobs and i got even more upset. (yes, i even dream about my boobs) and i was trying to explain to our leader (who in the dream was a lesbian author i know) that i didn't want to lead the exercise because i didn't want everyone to see my boobs flopping around.   dun, dun, dun....as a believer in the meaning of dreams i am thinking i may be onto a little of what the fat represents.  let's just say that having real boobs in the 5th grade is a very hard thing.  so expect some more exploration of this in future blogs.

then i had a dream that all the guys at work and my dad were opening up some kind of weight loss center that was related to the lap-band.  it was only a $3,000 investment to open a franchise.  weird. 

moving on.... disney was great.  got a couple progress/comparison shots.  i will share one here...

September 14, 2009 (bad bra, huh?)

January 24, 2010

the changes in my face are just amazing.

have a great day.  i plan to catch up on the blog at lunch today.  seeing the shrink after work.  then support group.  hopefully no crying.  lol.

a funny thing happened on the way to running away....

....Gen told me to see a shrink.

thank you Gen.   seriously.   thank you for putting yourself out there.  i actually *have* an appointment with my head-med doc on monday and in typical slipping into a downward spiral mode i was going to cancel or not show up.   now i KNOW that i HAVE to go.   it is at 6 so i will have to shuffle it with support group or try to get in a little earlier.  but i am going.  and i am going with all of you bloggers pushing me in the door.

damn frickin hormones and wonky level.   but at the same time *whew* i am not a TOTAL freakazoid.  this is just further proof that my body really is changing! yay!  i am hopeful that facing my doc we will be able to make an adjustment that will help me.

yeah, sorry, at this point in time i do not see exercise being my coping mechanism.  i like the idea of writing or blogging so perhaps i need to work on some discipline and focus there.

last night two of my dearest friends came over for a "slumber" party.   lots of girl talk.  it was fun and they helped me wrap my mind around the grrl stuff going on in my life.

and now i am signing off to go up to disney for a much needed mini-vacation with the princess and NOT TO RUN AWAY.  lol.    i've got my favorite evil queen shirt on and i am ready to go and FACE my feelings and feel frickin good.

have a great weekend.  looking forward to catching up with all you tomorrow night..... and thanks to all of you for your honesty.

mental health day

i took a day off work yesterday to have a mental health day.   i have felt overwhelmed and exhausted this week.   haiti.  i am working on a cancer event.  grrl troubles.   i also feel myself slipping into a funk of sadness.

it occurred to me that i have lost my "coping" mechanism.  food.  when i can't couldn't deal i go to food.   i no longer have that.   hence the overwhelming feeling of helplessness.  

so....yesterday i stayed home.  limited my time on the computer.  did not watch tv (until last night, hello celebrity rehab and real housewives).  and booked up a last minute trip to disney this weekend.   tonight two of my friends are coming over for a pajama party.  then tomorrow the princess and i will go up to disney. 

i need to find a more accessible coping mechanism than disney.  trust me, i love to run away to disney.  but not very practical during the work week.  and i can't stay home all the time. exercise is not my thing.  i don't enjoy it and it will not help me deal or escape.  any ideas?

back from disney

we had a really nice time. i went out of my way to walk further whenever i could... ie. not taking the parking lot tram. we picnic'd for every meal except one. i brought cottage cheese cups, egg salad, cheese (must.stop.eating.cheese.) and the ever-present EAS shakes. My daughter was just as happy with her homemade lunches.

on friday night we went to Cap n' Jacks at Downtown Disney. this is a seafood restaurant. thanks to a tip i saw on lapband talk last week i immediately sought out crab cakes. the dish i got had two 4oz (approximate) crab cakes. i ate one and was fine. i had the other for breakfast the next morning.

my ongoing inner dialogue was whether or not i was hungry. at times crazy hungry. at others i felt as satisfied as i did last week. then i start questioning (agian) whether i even have a band. then i worried that i flipped my port. they i worried i may have stretched out my pouch. there is no rational basis for these last two thoughts except that i am chronic worrier and an acute hypochondriac lol.

i did discover that i need to work on the following:

• chewing
• eating slower
• not waiting to feel stuck to realize that i am full
• put my utensil down between bites

lap-band basics, i know. but i struggling with them.

tomorrow i am seeing the nutritionist. she gets on my nerves. she talks in a whisper. also for the pre-op lessons she had it so rehearsed in her head that it was hard to engage her in conversation away from the script in her head and since i had some very specific questions due to my gluten intolerance i left kind of frustrated. we'll see how tomorrow goes.

the picture up top is from this weekend. the princess and i decided to get our hair punked up at the Main Street Barber Shop in the Magic Kingdom.