boredom.

my date got called into work late this afternoon.  :-(  hopefully we will see each other saturday night.

so i have been obsessing since 2 this afternoon about what i should do.  babysitter is still coming over. 

i may go to starbucks and read my kindle.

i may go to barnes and noble and read my kindle and go to whole foods next door.  (most likely)

i may go to whole foods and eat (not sure i am really hungry since i have been grazing all day).

i may go to the mall.

i was thinking about still going out to the bar and gay ghetto we were planning on going to.  but that is 30 minutes away and i feel antisocial tonight.

what to do? what to do?

ya know....

ugh.  just ugh.  

yesterday i talked about and committed to easing up on the babysitters and being less busy and more lazy.  today at work it was decided that an annual meeting that usually takes place one full saturday in october every year will now be dragged out into two consecutive weeks of lunch and dinner meetings around the state.  lovely.  just lovely.  starting monday and through oct 14 i am booked and on the road most days.   i am scrambling for babysitters as my parents are traveling much of this time.  and then on top of that i am going for a girls weekend in vegas on the 14th.   so basically i will see my daughter some time around october 20th.    for the record, karma goddess, i am not complaining about my job....i am merely venting about not being able to be lazy.  yeah.  that's it.   lol.

i did not get my much need re-fill today.  had to cancel that appointment at the last minute due to an urgent meeting.   because i deal with a large and controversial part of the overall budget this is my crazy time of year.    (end/beginning of fiscal year).   the good thing is i am healthier than i have been the last 6 years of doing this job.   and that makes this crazy schedule easier to deal with.   hopefully i can get my fill on friday.  being on liquids during the weekend sucks.  but i'll take it to have some control back in my life.

 i do have a date tomorrow night.  we have gone out a couple times already.   have i mentioned how much i HATE my body now?   it is just so depressing and gross.  ugh.   if nothing else -- two weeks on meetings on the road secures my job which pays for my insurance which will (hopefully) pay for the removal of all this disgusting skin.   in addition to the pain and rashes this week i have a very painful boil under my stomach apron.  did i tell you i HATE my body?

lol.  what a negative post.  oh well...  bleech.

oh.  and one more thing...apparently a little rain is worthy of Breaking News in Florida.  you would think it was something important...like michael jackson dying with all the water cooler talk and news updates today.

an unfill, a funeral and DC

so after having 2ccs taken out last week, i feel like a new person.   i think regardless of the popcorn or whatever caused me the trauma, i was definitely too tight to enjoy life.   i do think know that i am currently too loose to keep losing weight, as well.  so tomorrow when i go back to the surgeon's office i will most likely ask for only 1 cc and take it from there.

it was nice to be in DC this weekend and enjoy food a little, but at the same time not go hog-wild.  if within this restriction range is where i will be for the rest of my life, i will be happy.

a lot has been going on here.   a week ago last friday my great aunt was supposed to have a colonoscopy.  she couple not get the drinky thing down.  that led to a dx of impaction which lead to emergency surgery which led to a dx of intestinal cancer.   she never really came out of surgery.  not a coma, but heavy sedation.   i was lucky to be with her during her only two known times of communication and consciousness.  two days out of surgery she was on a respirator.   this past friday she was taken off the respirator and died two minutes later.    one week of illness.   never knew she had terminal cancer.  died peacefully.  what a way to live a life and die.   it is sad, sure.  but it was her time.   i miss her dearly.   i have some regrets.   she was the aunt i spoke to my therapist about reaching out to when my mom could not be my "grocery store".  but, i also understand this was her time.

i did see my sister yesterday at the funeral.  my sister hates me.  (no sympathy needed).  she hates me because i am her big ole dykey sister who was never rejected by our family...who has done well for herself....  i also gave our parents their only grandchild (her controlling husband has seen to it that they will never have kids).   she lives 10 minutes away from me and refuses to "know" me anymore.  this is pretty recent in the last few years.   we actually grew up super close in a beaver cleaver house and she even followed me to college.  after meeting her husband everything changed.   it is sad.  it could break my heart if i let it, but a couple years ago i gave up.  my parents suffer the same cold shoulder as i do.   it was pointed out to me more than once yesterday that my recent weight loss is only going to make her "hate" me more.  pathetic.  oh well.  what i feel more sad about for her is that she was basically an "outsider" at the funeral due to her own isolation and she just looks so sad and miserable in life in general.



that being said...our weekend in DC was wonderful.  after a couple weeks of being away from home most nights and relying on babysitters, it was nice to have 24/7 one on one time with the princess.   she has been traveling with me extensively since she was 6 months old and is a great traveler.   very easygoing and patient with the travel stuff.  in our short time there we went to the national women in the arts museum, chinatown, the white house, the national book festival, eastern market, georgetown, the national building museum, chinatown again and the national portrait gallery/museum of american art.    except for the building museum, all the museums and cultural places where chosen by my princess.

i am realizing that i need to slow down my life a little.  i feel overextended and absent from home a lot lately. i am trying the dating thing again.  we'll see....

looks like you all had a great time in Chicago and i need to stop looking at your pictures before i get a complex and start having a pity party singing "nobody likes me, everybody hate me i am going to go and eat some protein rich worms"......

Support group tonight

Group exercise.  

Stairway to heaven.....

National Building Museum.  

Dinner in Georgetown.

Orgasmic

At National Book Festival.  

White House Tour!!!!

And one more thing....

Mommy is trashed.  On one glass of real sangria.   :-)

Hello Top Chef fans!

Having tapas at Jose Amdres Jaleo. 

Also had lunch at Food Network's Warren Brown's cakelove/lovecafe today. 

And in related news.....I just found out a business associate is the brother of a recent top chef contestant and he will set up a vip visit to her restaurant any time I want!!! 

Need 22/24s?

While you all are packing for Chicago, I am cleaning out my closet.   All the sweaters have been taken out of dry cleaning bags and are boxed up for Grace.    Flowy dresses and shirts are packed up for the next time I see Babbling Amy.   Very cool Ed Hardy Style Disney Jacket is put aside for Maria (surprise!).  

That leaves a box of nice 22/24 work clothes.  Any takers?  Let me know... Box is ready to be mailed ASAP.  

popcorn-gate

first things first, i am here to put to rest the rumors that i ran off and became straight with Juicy Dr. Joe.   while my back has improved immensely, i still remain the big dyke on campus (in my mind).


  second things second.   i could not stand to read about everyone getting their unfills so last night on my way out the door to support group (must.blog.about.*that*) i STUFFED a handful of popcorn in my mouth.   had to pull off into a gas station and puke on my way down to the meeting.   then today nothing stayed down.   went to whole foods at 3PM and got bisque.  threw up the first spoonful of that (as in, i ran from a meeting with my boss and my staff and puked in the ladies room).  oh, but i did not just puke soup.  i puked blood.  EEK!  freak out city.   called the surgeon's office and ran over there.  was honest about the popcorn.  got a "HEIDI! you of all people!!!!!!!!!!!!" and 2cc of my 9ccs taken out.  ahhhhhh.  relief.  i think it was a kernel.  and the blood was probably just from a tear in my esophagus.   so now i feel like i am have no restriction.  which, i know i do actually have some restriction.  but after being so tight all day and puking it is nice to feel loose and open.   will go back in next week and start to fill up again.

not going to freak out about the lack of restriction.   it is just for a few days.  the upside to today's little adventure is that i got weighed.  212.  wow.  that seems so much lower than 216 a couple weeks ago!   i have decided to set a mini-goal of 199 by november 9th -- which is my one year band anniversary.   <<<<<--- i know those words read easy-breezy on the screen but the idea of being under 200 in a blink of an eye freaks me out and turns me on at the same time....

third things third.   to those that are going... have a great time in chicago.   i really wanted to go but my parents have a business trip this weekend and they are my only overnight babysitters.   so instead of me going to chicago -- the princess and i will be traveling to DC this weekend.  we even have a tour of the white house scheduled on saturday!    but like i said, i hope you all have a great time and i look forward to the next event!

i  hope to do some serious blogging before we go away this weekend.  life has gotten incredibly busy and taxing in the last week.  i need a break from a lot of things...a chance to recharge my batteries.   hopefully that will happen this weekend in DC....

until then... there is a dvr with glee on it calling my name........

when life gives you lemons....

stuff them in your bra....  i actually bought this sign down in the keys last month (was it really last month?).

i didn't know it at the time, but this is my new mantra.   i have decided that instead of focusing solely on the pain... i will recognize the pain (not pretend like everything is perfect but allow emotions and feelings) and celebrate the end result of the pain.... a fucking slamming tight body with perky boobs that i will have for the rest of my life.....

that being said.... the pain is not that bad tonight.   and that is because i saw the chiropractor.  if my plastic surgeon is perfect to be a stand in for rick moranis in honey, i shrunk the kids.   his chiropractor brother is Juicy Joe from the Real Housewives of New York's long lost twin.  seriously.   his name is actually "dr. joe".  but what a charmer i tell ya.   i found myself flirting with him.   even while my inner dialogue was: get a hold of yourself, woman.  you are a DYKE!  but there i was.  in his office.  giggling, crossing my legs.  had my arms crossed on top of my knees, batting my eyelashes.  talking about riding harleys.  local celebrities we know.  WTF?  lol.  i blame the two alleve i took this morning....lol.  then his office manager used to be a man.  or she is just an 80 year old jewish lady who smokes a carton a day and has had multiple face-lifts.  it is so hard to tell sometimes down here.   so the whole experience was an acid trip for me today. 

 
but he did the whole chiropractor work up on me.   what my x-rays showed is that my ligaments are all stretched from all the former fat and they are not holding my bones together.  instead the muscles are doing all the work.   he will at least provide temporary relief until rick moranis, his brother, cuts my front off.

so, there have been some questions about exactly what is going on and what surgery will do.   we are looking at a breast reduction and cutting off the stomach apron -- covered by insurance.    i also have a flabby part between my breast and stomach apron.  my understanding this is what will not be covered by insurance but the removal of that and the pulling tight of everything will be the rest of the same procedure.   there is also a difference between the breast and chest.  the breast is your boobs.  the chest includes the sides.   so he will also pull my sides tight too.  i believe that is non-insurance.  i have no idea what my out of pocket costs will be, but will cross that bridge when i come to it.  i am hoping for no more than $2500 out of pocket. 

right now the pain radiates down my spine and across the top and bottom of my back.  almost like the letter I.   the pain is real burning pain as well as feeling like a weight is pushed me down (or a 40 pound monkey).   it also gets real tingly.    it is 9:40.  i have not had alleve since 7AM and since being adjusted and having massage therapy today this is the first time today where i am having a hard time holding up my back.  

juicy dr. joe suggested that i visualize a board or plank coming perpendicular from my sternum and walk and sit as if i am balancing that plank.   it helps, actually.  also, i should walk with my chin up. 

so.........chin up!

OMG... i totally forgot the best part of my birthday!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

the pain is really fogging my brain.  i forgot to report this:

picture it.  boca raton, florida.  2010.  

standing naked in the victoria secret's dressing room trying on pajamas and my five year old princess looks at me in the mirror and says "you know mommy, you are getting smaller and smaller".  

new boobs, new boots and a cute waitress

this is going to be quick and dirty....because i can barely sit up straight from the excruciating pain in my back.

my birthday in bullet points:

• surgeon thinks he can get insurance to cover my breast reduction and the cutting off of my stomach apron (i forget the medical term...starts with "P").  
• i would then cover the minor "tummy tuck" part since my insurance will be paying for the anesthesia, etc.    the tummy tuck will pull everything tight.  and then maybe Amy W. will leave Heather for my killer abs.  whatevah.
• he showed me pics of someone who had deflated and long hanging boobs like me.   she now has a nice perky C cup.  i can totally live with that after years of lying about being a DDD when i am really bigger.
• he is willing to break his "3 months" after goal weight rule for me.  i could barely sit unsupported on the exam table because my back hurt so bad this morning.    he wants to get close to my one year lap band anniversary date at the very least.
• insurance could take up to a month to approve.   then you usually get a 3 month time frame for the approval.  this puts me close to my november anniversary --- so the good lord willing and the crick don't rise i could be "fixed" anywhere from thanksgiving to xmas.
• my arms and thighs need to completely deflate (3 months after goal) before he will do them.
• i like the idea of a surgically conservative plastic surgeon.   his office is close to south beach and i think he is a rarity in this arena.
• he got me an appointment with his brother the chiropractor tomorrow.  which will help with this pain that left me in tears in the bloomingdales dressing room tonight and help with insurance documentation.
• once he saw a picture of the princess he started talking about making an arranged marriage for his 7 year old boy and her.  funny.
• he got chocked up.  silent.  disbelief when he saw my "before" picture.  when i could finally speak he said "you and Dr. Bass saved your life".
• my upper staff took me to PF Changs for lunch today.   our waitress was gorgeous.  like a perfect mix between betty page and veronica lodge (archie comics).   gorgeous.  silver eyes.  black curly hair.   red lips.  i think i am going to PF Changs again next week.  lol.  without the staff.  lol. 
• staff got me a disney gift card for my birthday.   they do it every year and every year i am thrilled.
• my boss and his staff gave me a surprise hello kitty cake at the office.   lol.
• spent the evening at the mall with the princess.  i went on a major shopping spree.  the new DKNY perfume i have wanted.  three new sweaters, a shirt and a dress and new brown boots.   shopping therapy.  needed it.

and finally, i had a major emotional freakout and breakdown today.  i will address it another day here.  i need to get it out.  long story short...if i am going to blog about new beginnings and coping skills ---- i might want to read my own blog and learn from it.   if i am going to talk about honesty and integrity i may want to consider not trying to control the access to that honesty.   if i am going to bust my ass all year to make it to my 38th birthday i may want to act like i am 38 and not 14. 

and one more thing... i just need to get this out.  the pain is overwhelming.   last month i could walk the mall for FOUR hours, if not more.  tonight i could barely do 2 hours.  these last 20 pounds have pushed my body to this place of pain.   here it goes:  i did not lose 160 FUCKIN pounds to be almost crippled by the end of the day and to have to avoid certain fashion styles because of my skin.  whew.  done.  thanks.

good night.  sweet dreams.  i am off to pop a pain killer.

Well this is a first

At plastic surgeon...."they" must be making those horrible paper gowns smaller because nothing is hanging out of mine.  It is not ripped.   And I can tie the plastic belt around my waist.  

stop going to home depot for groceries....

those were the final words my therapist's mouth as i left today.  in addition to reading my good-bye letter (see below) i also talked to her about my mom's lack of support lately.  it has gone beyond just her size 14 comment that i blogged about last week...but even cutting off anyone who dared to compliment me during rosh hashanah to tell them about all her fabulous volunteer work.   basically, per my therapist, i am no longer allowed to email my mom pictures of myself or call her to gush.  i need to redefine my support system.  actually, i need to recognize my incredible support system in real life that i don't tap into often.  i am not good at asking for help.  for admitting i am weak or imperfect.  it is something i am working on. 

in addition to having a therapy session today, my therapist also did a group session at support group tonight.  the topic of discussion was coping skills.   we talked about what coping skills accomplish and came up with a long list of good coping skills.  this was all done from the point of view that we no longer could use food as a coping mechanism.   from that list we had to choose 10 and write them down on a paper we should carry with us as reference.  mine include:

1. reaching out (if we chose this one we also had to list 3 "Publix" and not any "Home Depots")
2. visualization
3. meditation
4. blasting loud music
5. crafting
6. moving my body
7. blogging
8. reflection
9. cleaning
10. reality checks

ok...so saying good-bye today....the timing was perfect.   this week between the Jewish holidays of Rosh Hashanah (New Year) and Yom Kippur (Day of Atonement) is traditionally a week of reflection for Jews.   we are supposed to reach out to people we may have wronged and seek their forgiveness.    while i am no means "religious", i am definitely spiritual and this is one ritual I have always held dear to my heart.    a component of the Rosh Hashanah observance is Tashlich which literally means "casting off".  it is a service in which the congregation walks to a nearby body of water and "cast off" their wrongdoing from the previous year.  bread is used to embody your wrongdoing and the piece of bread is thrown in the water.   the years i spent in south beach it was so cool to go down to the ocean and be with hundreds of others doing the same....each year i take this seriously.  i am not talking to god (if god exists).  i am talking to myself.   this year i felt so at peace with myself.  i only threw one piece of bread in the lake and i felt it was more symbolic because i knew my own person tashlich was coming this week.   (i also took advantage of tashlich to lay some jewish mother guilt on the princess about how she should throw her bread in and think about being a good girl for mommy ALL THE TIME...lol).

so...today was my personal tashlich.  the most important of my life.   i sat on the sea wall of the intracoastal in fort lauderdale.  under a sea grape tree.  watching boats go by.   the current was so minimal it was almost dancing a sweet ballet for me.   i brought the picture of me with cinderella last year.   and before i read the letter i ripped my image into 3 pieces and dropped them in the water.  i let the larger piece of cinderella and my princess float away -- but did not rip the princess.   i then read the following letter.  no copies exist of the letter.   only this vlog.   i did this vlog outside my office.  towards the end i start look around because the lawn guy was coming towards me with his big mower and i *knew* i could not possibly read this again and get through the rest of the day at work.   so i start to hurry up.  but the whole letter is here.   i know i am *really* exposing myself here (you even get a good batwing shot)...but if i am going to blog with integrity and live my life with integrity...i need to put it all out there.

ok.  here goes nothing....

the difference between 37 and 38....

in the past, i usually spend 3-4 days around my birthday at disney and/or on a disney cruise.  last year was both.   last year....well, last year i was "thinking" about surgery and going through the process but at that point it was not a reality.   also, last year on my birthday my daughter had an appointment with her neurosurgeon and it was determined that she needed another back surgery and intensive plastic surgery.  he did not want us to go to disney or on the cruise but i pleaded with him to let us go knowing how long the recovery process is.

this year...i don't have time for a long trip to disney or a cruise.  between our recent trip to the keys, a trip to DC in two weeks and everything else that keeps us busy we spent yesterday at disney celebrating my 38th birthday.  my actual birthday is on tuesday.   tomorrow i will meet with my therapist and say good-bye to my former self.    i have my letter written and (i think) i am ready to do this.   i have also stated in that letter that in my journey moving forward i will not look at my fat pictures.   so....here you have the last showing of then and now  pictures (maybe. for now. we'll see).

37th Birthday dinner at Cinderella's Castle.

this picture will be destroyed tomorrow with the letter and washed away in the current... the "funny" thing is, i had this picture in my mind a lot this weekend. and when i looked at current pictures i thought you would see very little difference in me. today i realized how fucked up my current body image is. 

38th Birthday Lunch at Living Seas (EPCOT) -- pic taken by *my* princess

37th Birthday Picture with Mickey

38th Birthday with Mickey

Obligatory Castle Pic -- 37th Birthday (4 hours after finding out about princess' next surgery)

Obligatory Castle Pic -- 38th Birthday

37th Birthday "Cake" (just berries) because i was hoping if i ate this way i would live longer.

38th Birthday "cake" -- do-it-yourself sundae off the children's menu... because this year i was celebrating living!

and finally... this picture was taken in April 2006 at the Living Seas in EPCOT. i have kept it on my refrigerator since 2006 as my "motivation" picture to lose weight. of course, it never motivated me NOT to open the fridge. in fact, recently i took it down because i was embarrassed by it. i will be replacing it this week with the new picture taken in the same spot this weekend.

 

View from here...

Home sweet Disney....

97 days is a long time for me to be away from this place.

permission NOT to be the fat friend and daughter...

i have been batting a couple blog posts around in my head the last few days and today seems like a good day to talk about them....

i have a good friend.  she is my closest straight mommy friend.   she has been one of my biggest cheerleaders and supporters since day one of this process.    when i told her i was going to have surgery she started saving her money so we can go to NYC, LA or Vegas on a shopping spree when I am at final goal.   She called me the other day while i was shopping and i was telling her i was in the dressing room trying on the size 14 dress you see in the picture.  her response?  "shit.  i am a size 12 i better start losing weight before you catch up with me!"  ouch.

my family has camped during the summer weekends at the same place for many years.   we have become friendly with the staff.  this weekend one of the staff members came over to me and asked me if i was still "working hard" at losing weight.  i told her definitely.  and the conversation went along the lines of:

her: you don't want to lose more, do you?

me: oh yeah.  at least 40 more.

her: but then you will be skinny.  huh?  is that the point of this little journey?

today i sent my mom the picture to the right.   she told me in her kind of kidding/kind of sarcastic tone to stop sending her pictures like that because she is stalled out (medical diet) and it depresses her.  i told her it was a size 14.  she told me that *they* must be making size 14s bigger these days.  double ouch.   she then went on about my sister and her husband -- both who we rarely see -- and how he "keeps" my sister from losing weight because that is his way of controlling her.   it was then that i was grateful for all of my work in therapy because i understood right then and there that my own mother's painful responses to my success is a result of her losing "control" over me. 

i can not stress how thankful i am that i forced myself into the painful process of therapy.  i know there have been comments here and there on my blog about readers not understanding my need to over analyze things.   but i know me.  i know for me to be successful in anything i have to have thorough understanding of it and own it for me to master it.   as they said at my book club last night -- they can always count on me to not only read the book, come ready to discuss it but to also gone the extra mile and researched the subject, the author, etc. and that my extra analysis is reflected in my discussion of the book.  (read Jamie Ford's Hotel on the Corner of Bitter and Sweet, btw).

it is because of my own work on myself the past 6 months in therapy that i know that my friend does not care what size i am, she has her own issues.   the woman at the campground does not want me to stop losing weight.   she in her entire life could not imagine herself in anything but a size 14.   and my mother.   sigh.  my mom.   she is doing the best she can with what she knows.    i was never neglected.  i was never abused.  i was never deprived.  i was loved too much.   too much to the point of enmeshment.   she was enmeshed with her mother.  and that is how i was raised (by both of them, no less).   her comments come from a place of fear.  fear of losing me.   my job is to still be her daughter, but to do it in a healthy way she may not recognize at first.

thank you, heidi, for taking care of yourself.   in the past you would have sabotaged your weight loss to remain close to your mom.   you know you would have.   today, you have the skills to process it, call her on it and move on.

saying good-bye

Me, Key West Thanksgiving 2002

so, as i previously blogged about...moving forward is where i am in my simultaneous emotional health journey.   a lot of the need to move forward surfaced to the top when i had my cards read in key west.  

that night, and for the rest of our time in key west, i tapped into my new found ownership of meditating and would sit outside and meditate in my thoughts.   sitting on the dock, i would imagine the 150 pounds that i had lost at that point drifting out to the bay in the current.   i had images in my mind of placing pictures of my former self in the water and watching them disappear. 

when i returned from my trip, i told my therapist about the reading.  i did not mention my visual meditations.   telling her about the reading, i got very choked up.   and, i am pretty sure i am not imagining this, but i think she did too.   she told me that a few months ago she did not think i was ready, but perhaps i would like to consider writing a good-bye letter to my former self and we could go out to the intracoastal outside her office and i could read it out loud and then destroy the letter and let it find its way down the waterway and into the ocean.   that is when i told her about my visual meditations in the keys.   we agreed that i would think about doing this exercise and that there was no rush.

the thing is, ever since i left that session on august 23rd all i can think about is writing the letter.   i compose parts and think of the letter's structure all the time.   when i told my therapist that this past week she hit her forehead with her hand and said she KNEW i would be making an outline...lol.   whatevah.  it takes nerdy anal people to make this world of ours go round....lol... i do know i want it to have 3 distinct parts... 1. an acknowledgement of all the great aspects of my former self.   the parts of my personality and being that, while at times may have been overcompensation for my physical appearance, were special and exceptionally heidi.  2. a good-bye to whatever emotional baggage i am holding onto and is holding me back.   good-bye to the girl in the picture above.  3. a thank you to myself for making the decision to have surgery and for committing to healing my body, mind and heart.   i have not sat down and written the letter yet, but have set a goal of having it complete by september 13.  i will turn 38 on september 14. 

i am ready.  i am ready to close this chapter of my life.   i am ready to release my former 373 pound self and move forward.    of course, this is going to be a situation of mind over matter --- because the physical scars of my 373 pound self remain... the excess skin issues, most notably.   but i am at peace with myself and letting go and i know i can, probably for the first time in my life, focus my mind and not sweat the matter.   which brings me to the other emotional growth issue i am facing.

early on in therapy, my therapist pointed out that like many addicts and narcissists (and i happen to be both!) i don't like to be with myself.   as introspective as i may come across here, what she saw was someone who likes to find stimulation and validation on the outside of herself.   i wasn't sure i was buying it when she brought it up, but i swallowed it for future digestion.    one example she used was -- what do you do at a red light?  i check my blackberry or read or play number games in my head with the gas prices listed on the street corner.   i have been doing the number game since i was a child.   she told me that was a perfect example of me not wanting to be alone with myself or my thoughts.  and that it probably started in my childhood in the back of my parents station wagon as a form of self-soothing...which is all food was to me as well.  she pointed out that even my constant reading of books was going outside myself.

so...what became very clear to me after our week at the rental house in the keys was that i could really learn to love being in quietness and alone.  i would sit out on that dock and just think and think and think.   an avid reader, i got through only ONE book in the ten days of my keys vacation.    when i came back home and got into the swing of things i found that social obligations (including my own birthday party) and requests for attention from my staff were really "bothersome" (for lack of a better word) to me.    i.just.wanted.to.be.left.alone.   sure, there was a lot going on with kindergarten and work drama -- but what i came to realize in this is that i don't want to be that person out there all the time organizing, leading and in charge.  and that is a huge change from who i have been the last 20 years and more specifically the last 5 years.   and through recollection of my therapist's suggestion about my unwillingness to be alone in myself and following up with a conversation with her this week...i finally "get it".   i was always The Boss™.  because if i was telling other people what to do, i did not have time to deal with myself.   if it was my role to critique people, i did not have to critique myself.  if i had to make myself available to other people, i did not have to be available to myself.   maybe common sense to your emotionally healthy people out there.  not so much to me.

so where does that leave me?   well...i started out my professional career working in archives.   that is where my interest was.   sixteen long years later i have been on a journey that took me away from what i wanted to be when i grew up.   but i still haven't grown up and i still want to work in a library, museum or something like that.   when i close my eyes and meditate lately about my career path -- that is where i see myself.   to be true to myself, and perhaps find another facet of happiness in me, it means a lot of things will need to happen.   the one word all of these things have in common is: change.   change in employer.  change in salary (major decrease).   maybe change in location.   change in lifestyle.   i am ready for this change.  not today.  not next week.  but my goals now as far as work goes is not to aggressively advance myself into the next level of management (which would be top executive) but to find happiness.  elsewhere. 

it is time to say good-bye to who i thought i was and embrace who i am really meant to be.  i no longer have to prove my abilities to overcompensate for my physical appearance.  i am no longer avoiding being just me and just alone with me.  i don't have to be anyone else except me.  heidi.  mom.  healthy.

just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, it became a butterfly.

The Monthly Check-in by the Numbers

Today's appointment weigh in weight:  216   I weighed 219 when I left for college almost exactly 20 years ago to the day.

 

Total lost since surgery: 108

 

Total lost from highest known weight: 157

 

Minutes late to appointment because I was pulled into Human Resources as I walked out the building so a co-worker could show me off to everyone ....which led to an emotional private conversation with someone who is scared but needs the surgery: 10 minutes.

 

Other issues related to surgery going on with me: I have development major pain and discomfort in my lower back.   The excess skin on my thighs has also dropped downward this week.  I believe I am walking funny to overcompensate for the weird gait I now have.   Need to do two things: 1. document problem for possible insurance coverage of thigh lift  2. find medical relief of back pain.   Surgeon suggested today that I go ahead and call Plastic Surgeon for consultation.  Usually, the rule of thumb around here is Plastics 3 months after goal weight is met.   The concern from surgeon today is that this could lead to larger problems and prevent the mobility I need to achieve goal weight.  In the meantime, off to spanx shopping I go this afternoon.   I also wonder if the disproportionate size of my lower belly (my "apron") to the rest of my body is causing some of this pain.

 

Still need to do the emotional growth blog.   Hopefully, tonight.   Had a great date with someone last night.    Things are going great.   Also need to blog about yoga and some weird thoughts I am actually having about getting a trainer (YIKES!)....

 

Until then, Namaste!