random and scattered monday thoughts....

i can honestly say today that i have good alignment with my personal mirror of distortion vs. mirror of reality.   without looking at a picture i see a thinner me in the mirror and even when i look down at my body.   i think this is extremely important to me....because when i feel "fat" i act "fat".  i eat "fat".  i dress "fat".  i think "fat".   today, i hope to go into this new year acting, eating, dressing and thinking thin.  

speaking of dressing fat.... i fucking love jeggings.  OMG.   what a great fashion item for me to find at this point in my weight loss journey.  jeggings, of which i own 3 pairs, allow my to show off all my deliciousness appropriately.   it is the skinny jeans 2.0 for girls, like me, who have stomach apron disproportionately larger than the rest of your body.  i can have "skinny" legs.  even tuck my pants into boots without baggy knees poking out -- yet the waistband gives me the comfort and support at my waist.

i feel very prepared with my food today on one hand.   but feel a little binge-y on the other hand.  i have my lunch bag packed with good foods.   including:

• my salmon salad -- made with light mayo, goat cheese and a couple olive slices --about 1/2 cup -- 16 grams protein
• 2 cheese crisps to have with salmon salad-- wheat free crackers -- 4grams protein, 2 carbs.
• homemade brisket chilli (my protein calculation is 20gram protein) with 1/4 cup of cheese (2 carbs/7 protein -- and 9grams fat!!!!) and 5 saltine crackers (11 carbs/1gram protein)
• two turkey/laughing cow -- the chipolte flavor YUM -- roll ups (turkey: 1 carb/4 protein...cheese: 2 carbs / 6 protein)
• homemade egg salad (eggs: 2 carbs/12 priotein...mayo: 1 carb)
• 1oz cubed cheese (8 grams protein -- 9 grams fat!!!)

i started the day off with a bariatric advantage banana shake with a tbsp of peanut butter -- 30 grams of protein.  it is 11:30 and i have only the shake and 40oz of water (with crystal light tea).  i am not really hungry or anything yet.

i know this look likes a lot of food. and it is. but i am also staying down by my office to go straight to support group tonight since the princess is "on vacation" at my mom's. so it is also dinner.  but there is also a lot of fat.  ugh.  cheese.  cheese has been haunting me this whole journey.  i know deep in my heart i need to scale back on the cheese if i want to see this last 30-40 pounds gone. 


so, like i said it *is* a lot of food and i am honestly walking a thin line today between being prepared and bingeing.   recognizing this, first thing i did this morning was put my lunch bag in the employee breakroom downstairs so it is not sitting on my desk or in the refrigerator in my department.   i plan to have the chilli, cheese and crackers for lunch.

speaking of support group....tonight is supposed to be a cooking demonstration.  should be fun.  i feel sooooooooooooo out of the support group loop. i used to go religiously every monday since the week after my surgery.   it just seems like since september it has been one thing or another and i have not made it there except once or twice.... and now, after tonight i will not be able to attend until april.  i am really really really freaked out by this.   but i am planning on taking an important class on monday nights through march 28th.  i am really trying to get into the already full thursday night class.  but if not i am going to have to suck it up and miss support group.  this class is just as important to my future and soul as group is....but.... i have always been a firm believer that my personal success is directly tied to the trifecta i have created for myself: support group, blogging and therapy.  i am going to have to lean on blogging and therapy more and more.  the good thing is that i will continue working out with two other women from support group most weeks twice a week.  so that keeps a connection for me and really the conversations and support we give each other is more valuable sometimes to listening to people sabotage themselves at support group. 

did i mention how excited i am for the lapband disney trip on january 2nd?????  lol.  i.am.excited.

weird.

while nothing traumatic happened today....i feel like, as i sit here quietly reflecting on the day, that it was a roller coaster of ups and downs.   

the morning started out with a mammogram.  a couple weeks ago i felt something in my left breast.   my nurse practitioner at the obgyn felt it at my annual exam the same week and thought it could just be dense breast tissue but sent me for a mammo anyways.   i found myself all morning chanting in my head: "i can not die.  i am my daughter's only real parent.   i can not die.  i am a mom".   i am not sure who i was chanting to.   God.  a Higher Power.  Myself.   The Wind.  i am not sure.   but i emotionally exhausted myself.    my mammo was negative and there were no concerns.  i am good to go for another year.   it was not until later when i read the report that i actually laughed.  it says: "There has been interval decrease in size of the breasts compatible with interval weight loss".  LOL.  there was not conversations about me losing weight.  there was no scale.  i guess the two deflated water balloons at my waistband gave it all away!!!   as i told a friend today....should the need arise, i could tuck my boobs into my pants if needed.   seriously.  it is a good thing i can now tuck in my shirts and wear a good belt.   because now i have something to tuck in,  my boobs.  lol.

after the mammo i went to the mall.  i had a 40% off coupon and wanted to get a jacket at the Gap.  i didn't get it.   i didn't get anything.  everything looked sloppy on me.   it was weird.  not to buy anything because the larges were sloppy on me.   i was bummed.  but i wasn't.  just a weird feeling.

next stop was my department's holiday party.   i am a department director and we were sharing our party with three other departments.   the luncheon was at the Improv.    as department director i had to put on my hostess face and mingle with everyone.   i actually enjoyed that part as i have career threads back to the other three departments and it was just great seeing former employees and co-workers i never get to see anymore.   due to the nature of these departments most are men.   good ole boy blue collar men.  i love them.    they were cute.   most have not seen me for a while so there were lots of kisses and hugs and quite a few "ma'am, is it ok if i tell you that you are looking great?".   so cute.    in general terms, i can say that the women fell into three categories.... the fat ones avoided me.   the thin ones were all over me.   and the third category i will address separately below as it is one specific person.    but back to the first two categories... first i HATE that i am now the person who could possibly make an overweight person feel bad.  really.  because for my whole life i was on the other end.   but one of the thin ones said something that gave me pause for thought....we had greeted each other when she arrived.  and later when we were all eating she got up and came across the room and whispered to me: "i don't know if you get tired of heating this but i just want you to know that you really are looking great."   and i told her "thank you.  and no, i don't get tired of hearing it".   i know i sound so fucking full of myself here.   but in that moment i made a commitment to myself to embrace the attention.  enjoy it.   i deserve it.  it makes me feel good.  and it is about damn time i feel good about myself.   

so...the specific woman that has sent me to my blog this evening is the woman who talked me into not only having the surgery but directed me use my surgeon.   she is the woman that saved my life.   she is not only an employee but also a constituent for the government i work for.   in the summer of 2009 i ran into her at a council meeting and complimented her on her weight loss.   it was during a lunch break from the meeting and she told me to grab my lunch from the line and go sit in the hall with her.   and sitting there in the hall she told me she had surgery.   i told her how i looked into surgery before and was not sure if it was for me.  she told me to do it.  just like that.  she told me she did because her son wanted to do it and she was scared of him dying.  they did it together to save their lives together.   she told me to call my surgeon.  to use her name.   i don't know why, but i listened to her after avoiding this surgery for 4 years.  she is the woman who saved my life.     i have told her this many times over the last year.   the last time i saw her (a couple months ago) she told me she gained 40 pounds.   i didn't think she looked like it then.  today, i noticed the gain.  it is so much more.   i am sad.  i am scared.  i know.  i know.  i know just because she has gained weight does not mean i will.   but....sigh.  what a fucking mindfuck.   seeing her today.   nevermind, the uncomfortable greeting between us.   how i felt her eyes on me the whole time i was working the room.    the little voice in my head has already told me that i should go out to her community in the next couple weeks and visit with her and give her the strength that she gave me.    i owe that much to the woman who saved my life.  

i have to interject here that i am also happy that my holiday season obligations are now over.  hannukah has passed.  i have hosted three parties in my home.  hosted my work party.   and i am done.   done.  done with the socializing.  done with the food.  just done to enjoy the next couple weeks without many obligations.

tonight i ended up back at the mall.   the princess wanted to go to Stir Crazy and make her own dinner and i was in the mood for ahi tuna anyways.   then we went to old navy.   i got a couple sweaters.   then i bought myself faux uggs at Skechers.   i am still not sure why i did that.  they were only $30.   and they are kind of cute.  but i am 38 years old and live in florida.  lol.    the princess walked off with a new sweater and a pillow pet (unicorn to go with her panda). 

speaking of dinner... i have some crazy restriction going on right now.  not sure if it is from some work stress or the cold weather but i am tight.  not too tight but very much at a sweet spot and aware of the band doing its job. 

just a weird day.  like i said, nothing traumatic or crazy....just a lot of swings in my emotions.   like at times the weight loss is so dominant in my experience and at other times it is so far removed from what i am feeling.  

taking a break from the merri-go-round of life....

a lot  is going on.  yet nothing is going on.  i am not dating that woman anymore.   i think my quest for healthiness this past year has made me too sensitive to dealing with other people's unresolved shit.   the fun parts were definitely fun, but i am no place to deal with constant emotional antics and bullshit.   it has also made me realize that i really want to *just* date and not get involved in deep relationship stuff.  keep it on the surface and fun.   i always say this to women going into relationships and then i put my guard down on this issue and i grow to resent it.   i need to work on my role in that.  my life is so full.   i have everything i need.  all my boxes are full..... all i really want is distraction from my full life.

fortunately, this one was relatively short and i got out of it pretty unscathed.  (although there were some sad and mean moments....)  right now i am really looking forward to work slowing down beginning the week of the 13th and cruising along to the first week of january.   time to be a mom.  daughter.  friend.  me.  

hannukah starts tonight.   it is early this year -- which means by next wednesday i am DONE with the holidays.  woohoo.    many years ago when being a mom was only a hard to reach dream, i was working in a library and came across a book about "unplugging" the xmas tree and making xmas more about family than gifts or even religion.   i always thought that "when i have a baby...." that is what i would do.   and so i have.  the princess only gets one presents from me every hannukah and not the gazillion presents every night for 8 nights that i grew up with.   she does not get a toy or anything plastic.   this year, tonight, she will get a journal and special pencil so that she may start journaling every night about her day.   never fear, throughout the week she will be getting lots of presents from friends and family -- and that is ok too.   i figure i spoil her all year, that this time of year needs to be a special kind of spoiling from me -- one of hugs, kisses, family and quality time. 

from a lap-band perspective -- all is good.   i have good restriction but i am not too tight that i am hurting myself.   thanksgiving was a no-brainer.  just some turkey and a taste of gluten-free stuffing my mom makes just for me.   

i am working out twice a week with a personal trainer and really enjoying it.   i see this next phase of weight loss to really be one of deflation for me.   my stomach pouch, inner thighs and upper arms will continue to deflate and that is where the movement on the scale will come from.  

i have no idea what i weigh "officially". (and strangely, i don't care).   i just know i that my pants are falling off of me and i bought a size 12 skirt and wore regular size 14 jeans yesterday.  i have a scale that i now keep at my therapist's office -- but have not gotten on it for a while. perhaps my next visit in a couple weeks i will. i am beginning to see a thinner person in the mirror and not just in the pictures i take after the fact. i had this weird sensation this past saturday at disney...i felt "light". part of it is the working out -- but i felt light, agile, normal.

nothing is happening on the plastic surgery front right now.  i haven't even had the time to work on my medical necessity appeal.  but in the mean time i think my first surgery will be my arms.   the other day i was sitting at the table in a tank top writing something and i kept seeing something run across the room in my periphery vision.   it was not a critter....it was my arm shaking!!!!!!!!!  LOL.  i.swear.to.god.   i took this picture while i sat there laughing at my pathetic body.   it was such a funny moment.   so my goal is to save up the $4K i need to get my arms done and get them done by early spring so i will be healed by summer.    that means no disney cruise this year.   sigh.   but i really think it is worth it.  you can see how small my arms will be without the flaps.  lol.

i really miss blogging and reading and gaining inspiration from everyone's blog.  i know i say this everytime i reappear, but i really hope to get more regular again.   there are some things i really want to explore but always feel like i need to catch-up before i just lay them out there....

feelings...

woh, woh, woh feeeeeeeelings.

they fucking suck.

having never really experienced or felt what i am going through in the past due to my wittle food addiction issue...i am just not used to feeling things.   talking about my feelings.  or even admitting i have them.   well, apparently there is a reason for this.  my parents, namely my mother, aren't too keen on expressing feelings.   as i have been going through this journey, i have come to realize that she is quick to shut down any expression of feeling.   and when you are used to just numbing your feelings with food and don't have the physical means to do it anymore...well... it fucking sucks. 

she just called to see how the first day of kindergarten drop off went.    school starts at 8AM and my main office is about 30 minutes away from the school.  because i am my kid's only parent when it comes to getting her to school, etc. and the school does not have a before-care program -- i need to get her there early most days.  i do have some flexibility with getting to work but in the instances where i need to be at work early (some call this "on-time", apparently) the school does open the cafeteria at 7:10 and as long as you drop your kid off by 7:30 they can get into the cafeteria and have breakfast.  so that is my modified solo-mom before-care program.  

so this morning i went through the breakfast line routine with the princess.   and when my mom called i told her the following:  she is not used to carrying trays of food and it is really too big for her.  i also mentioned that it was hard for her to reach for the food and the silverware was really out of reach.   my mom starts YELLING at me.  yes, YELLING at me to just get "over it" and stop making issues.  i told her i was not making issues -- i was just telling her what i observed and i may need to reconsider the breakfast at school idea and instead just get her there before the doors close at 7:30 or just be late for work until it becomes an issue.  her response was that people will be falling over themselves to help the princess.   i told her that we can't depend on that thought.  she then YELLED "i can see where today is going".  yep.  you're right mom.  it is going somewhere where an adult might fucking FEEL something and want to process it by talking about it and maybe even bouncing ideas for a solution off another SANE adult.  but, you're not sane, mom.     

you see, i am not a big believer in that because my kid is cute people are just going to drop everything to help her.   a *grandmother* may think that is what will happen...but i am her practical and logical mother.   i don't live in la la world.  i live in a world where i need to make sure there is a working system in place for my kid to be independent. 

my mom said something about i really don't need to worry because the princess will make a lot of friends.   i mention that it seems like a lot of the kids in the class know each other already from camp or daycare or something.     just a statement.   she said i am making that up.  i told her "no, the parents were talking about it".   i also said that the princess is more interested in talking to the teacher and other grown-ups (a trait that comes from having a solo-parent and no siblings that can work for or against you depending on the situation) and that she didn't seem to notice when the kids started to scoooch her out of line so they could sit together and by the time they went into the classroom she was sitting in the middle of the hall alone while all the other kids were sitting together and talking along the wall.   again my mother YELLED at me that i was making problems.   i told her that i was not.  i was just telling her what i observed.  she YELLED at me that i observed "wrong" and then got off the phone.

so that left me crying.   crying because i feel so out of control with this kindergarten thing.  crying because i am worried about my princess.  and crying because i am almost 38 and my mother can still fucking do this to me.  and crying most of all because i can not go downstairs and eat and make it all go away....far far away from my feelings.

i am so fed up with my mother and her fucking insanity lately.  she is so fucking unhealthy and as i get healthy it really just bothers me.   she can't deal with anything.     so she just avoids it -- by not participating or yelling that it is not true or going shopping or eating or going to the casino or or or.... 

last week the princess and i took a break from our Keys vacation and came up for orientation.  i invited my mother to go because i thought she would want to see the school, etc.  after all, she has so many fucking opinions on everything lol.   i also invited her to go because we were having a 504 plan (physical needs issues) meeting with her whole team at the school...and, ya know, it would be nice to have some adult back-up FOR ME when dealing with this shit.  my mom told me that she may go to the orientation at 8 but had to be back in her neighborhood for a charity meeting at 10.   fine.  day of the orientation she says she is not coming down just to turn around.   during the meeting i hear my phone ring in my purse.  when we leave i see it was my mom calling around 10:30 from her house.  hmmmm.   so we call her back and i ask her how her meeting was.  she stumbles for an answer and then tells me that she didn't go.     so she avoided kindergarten.  she avoided the special needs meeting.  she avoided helping me.   look, my mom, her mom, my aunts, my sister (and yes, even me) have suffered from depression.   and the more and more i get healthy the more and more i am angry at her for inflicting her shit on me.   inflicting it on me when i was growing up and putting me in a position to be enmeshed and addicted.   and inflicting it on me now when i am trying so hard to be a healthy mother for my own daughter.

it would just be so nice to have a SANE mother to share my observations with.  i KNOW the princess will figure out how to carry the tray, get the spoons, open the milk, make friends, etc.   but i really don't see what the big fucking deal is for me to talk about my FEELINGS and WORRY away from my daughter with another adult.   

hey, mom. guess what? putting your head in the sand and not seeing things for what they are and making everything "all right" all the time for your kid and encouraging other adults to do the same for your kid only ends up with your "kid" being in their 30s and weighing 373 pounds. no.fucking.thank.you.

what i am realizing is that my mother can no longer be my "other adult".   she is not a co-parent.  she is not my friend.  (all these things the enmeshment has led me to believe).   she is barely my own functioning parent.    i am finalizing realizing that i may need to go outside my sick little family and create my own.   interestingly enough, last night i got three surprising text messages of unsolicited support.   One from Bachelorette #1 (or was she #2...i can't remember), one from my closest straight-mommy friends who has a son a year older than the princess and one from -- of all people -- my daughter's biological father.    it was very nice of all of them to reach out to me on the eve of a very big day for me and princess. 

i am counting down the hours to when i will have possession (lol) of my child again.   i am still on vacation from work.   this afternoon i will go see my therapist (ooh-doggie, she will be earning her fee today! lol) and then i go get my nails done...and then i will steal my baby back from that evil school board.  lol...

100

8 months and 3 weeks since surgery.   i have lost 100 pounds since my pre-op weight.  

things are definitely slowing down....4 pounds lost in the past 3 weeks.   i did take another mini-fill today because i feel like i am eating too much.  but i am also eating the wrong things.  i know it.  i was honest at the doctor today.  

what this comes down to is that i am realizing that it is time for me to stop riding the lap-band train and realize that this is where both the habits need to change IMMEDIATELY and that i have to start thinking like a dieter somewhat.  and that fucking sucks.  because i hate dieting.  i am a bad dieter.  and with dieting comes bad behaviors.   sneaking.  making silly food bargains with myself.  obsessing about the next meal.  and more that i just don't want to talk about here right now.  UGH.  

but whatever.  i lost 100 pounds.  la la la.

the joke was on me...

on wednesday i noticed i was getting hungry pretty fast and eating more than i "should" so i called the surgeon's office for a fill.   i did not get a fill because i was at my sweet spot two weeks ago at my monthly check-up and BAM it was gone.  so, of course, my daydream as i drove to the surgeon's office yesterday was that i would jump on the dreaded scale and see i lost 8 pounds in two weeks...NO.  2 pound loss in 2 weeks.   not acceptable.  i was so bummed.  the PA i see could see it.  i wouldn't do my usual chitchat.  i was knocked off my pedestal....big time.  i took a 1/4 of cc fill.   she says that at this point the fills are smaller.  i hope this brings me back to where i was.  so the PA and i talked and of course she talked to me about exercise.  ugh. 

so....i left there in.a.mood.  fine, i thought, i won't go back to the office and i won't pick the princess up early...i will go home and walk the fucking 2 miles around my neighborhood.  and then maybe, just maybe, i will get in the pool and do laps.   then...i drove past a fabulous shopping center and what is better than pigging out and/or exercising...that's right -- SHOPPING!!!!!  so i ended up going into old navy in the first time in years.  i know, i know, we are supposed to be boycotting them after their jeans were so mean to Jen.  but i promise i did not even look at the jeans rack.  no instead i went into the dressing room with a 2XL dress.  came out buying an XL dress!  then i went to payless and got a cute pair of flats and then Avenue for a bolero type top to wear over the dress since the dress is a tube maxi dress.  and by that time i.felt.much.better.  and, of course, by that time there was no time to really get a good exercise in so i went to whole foods to stock up on fresh soups for the next couple of post-fill days.   and by then there really was no time to do anything so i went to pay a bill in person.  who pays a bill in person in 2010?  a person avoiding reality named heidi who weighs 256 pounds...that's who.

finally, i went and got the princess from school and we did come home and go in the pool but i basically stood in a good spot for tanning.  i did move my legs a little but not much.  

last night i had 3 small chocolate eggs that the princess brought home from school.  yeah...i stole candy from my underweight kid to sabotage my weight loss.  lol.

(please don't feel sorry for me.  i am definitely not as upset today as i was yesterday and i know it will get better)

so then i got into bed and decided to catch up on all my Ruby episodes i have been dvr'ing.   i know, she is a kooky evangelical annoying virgin -- but i LOVE her!  so the final episode i caught up on was where she was challenged to change up 5 things in weight loss journey.  the idea behind that was that insanity is doing the same thing and expecting different result.  hmmmmm.  something to think about.  and of course one of my 5 things is to exercise and make it part of my routine.  i am still not sure what my other four things are but will think about it some more and most likely blog about it.

it is another day in paradise here.   the princess and i are going to a waterpark today with other lesbian families.  but first i am taking clothes to the consignment store.   i have been doing great with my consignments.  so far i have been able to walk in and "buy" new clothes and not had to lay out any money.   this latest trip pretty much clears me out.  i am at that awkward stage where i am not yet an 18/20 but i am definitely not a 22/24.   and, babbling amy, for the record...i am bringing in 8 pairs of jeans today and that leaves me with only THREE pairs of jeans.   the horror! 

Passover

there is an old jewish joke that makes the rounds around the internet...

Short summary of every Jewish Holiday:

"They tried to kill us, we won, let's eat. "

 

unfortunately there is a lot of truth in the "let's eat" part....tonight starts the first major jewish food holiday since i got my band and hit restriction.   i am not too worried about sitting around the table and my food choices.  my plan is to enjoy a bite of every favorite food and i will be ok.   but the preparation for this holiday has me in that psycho-babble reflective mode today...

 

as i previously blogged about i am pretty sure my food addiction and obesity is directly connected to my need for closeness with my family.    i was the one in the family who my grandmother passed down all her traditional sephardic recipes to.   most of my childhood memories of my grandmother are actually in the kitchen.  and now that she has been gone for 12 years i have firmly placed myself as the holiday cook for the family.  in fact, last year when i flew up to new jersey for passover i took sephardic food on the plane with me since i was going straight to the seder from the airport.

 

so...last week my mom called me to ask me what "we" were doing for passover.   because i don't really obsess about what i am eating each day -- not to mention "next week" -- anymore i was kind of caught off guard.  of course, the question was what was i cooking at my house when i would host the seder.  when i told her i was really not thinking about passover this year she laid on the heavy jewish mother guilt.  try growing up with a greek jewish mother  -- she has the market on guilt....but i digress.... so, after we talked she talked to her good friend whose own horrible daughter was going to her mother-in-law's the first night --with the grandchildren to boot!  so we were able to finagle an invite to first night at my mom's friend house.  and i agreed to do second night at my house just for my parents.
 
well...you would think that would have gotten me off the hook from cooking every recipe of my grandmothers.  nope.   i have been asked to bring not one, but two sephardic pies tonight.  one is a spinach and feta pie and the other is an eggplant and feta pie (my favorite).   i told my mom that tomorrow night i am not making a big brisket and the traditional spehardic meat dishes.  usually i do a brisket, a meat/matzo pie, spinach and veal patties and leek and veal patties.   this year at my house i am only doing spinach patties, potato kugel and my grandmother's red rice (sephardim eat rice on passover).   i will also throw out a can of sardines as gefilite fish is not a traditional sephardic food (but a great protein rich and band friendly food -- btw). 
 
the point of this is not to go on and on about sephardic food porn but that i realize that food really is my connection to my family.  it is my "job" in the family.   and as i previously talked about both me and my parents are starting to feel that shift take place and, at least for me, it is very scary.   i talked about this in therapy last week.   one of my tasks this week is to try to find something else that will be our connection.  one of the ideas we talked about is maybe doing a family bowling night or something.  i don't know...bowling versus food...  lol.  i just don't know.
 
the next two days should be interesting as we sit around the table as a family....
 
oh and on another note...obviously god has it in for me this year.  i took today and tomorrow off work.   after the great weather this weekend i got all my prep cooking out of the way on saturday with the hope that i could go lay out by the pool this morning while the princess was at school.  nope.  not only did it rain...we had tornadoes in the area and flooding.   so now i am stuck in the house...lol... not funny.

a funny thing happened on the way to running away....

....Gen told me to see a shrink.

thank you Gen.   seriously.   thank you for putting yourself out there.  i actually *have* an appointment with my head-med doc on monday and in typical slipping into a downward spiral mode i was going to cancel or not show up.   now i KNOW that i HAVE to go.   it is at 6 so i will have to shuffle it with support group or try to get in a little earlier.  but i am going.  and i am going with all of you bloggers pushing me in the door.

damn frickin hormones and wonky level.   but at the same time *whew* i am not a TOTAL freakazoid.  this is just further proof that my body really is changing! yay!  i am hopeful that facing my doc we will be able to make an adjustment that will help me.

yeah, sorry, at this point in time i do not see exercise being my coping mechanism.  i like the idea of writing or blogging so perhaps i need to work on some discipline and focus there.

last night two of my dearest friends came over for a "slumber" party.   lots of girl talk.  it was fun and they helped me wrap my mind around the grrl stuff going on in my life.

and now i am signing off to go up to disney for a much needed mini-vacation with the princess and NOT TO RUN AWAY.  lol.    i've got my favorite evil queen shirt on and i am ready to go and FACE my feelings and feel frickin good.

have a great weekend.  looking forward to catching up with all you tomorrow night..... and thanks to all of you for your honesty.

mental health day

i took a day off work yesterday to have a mental health day.   i have felt overwhelmed and exhausted this week.   haiti.  i am working on a cancer event.  grrl troubles.   i also feel myself slipping into a funk of sadness.

it occurred to me that i have lost my "coping" mechanism.  food.  when i can't couldn't deal i go to food.   i no longer have that.   hence the overwhelming feeling of helplessness.  

so....yesterday i stayed home.  limited my time on the computer.  did not watch tv (until last night, hello celebrity rehab and real housewives).  and booked up a last minute trip to disney this weekend.   tonight two of my friends are coming over for a pajama party.  then tomorrow the princess and i will go up to disney. 

i need to find a more accessible coping mechanism than disney.  trust me, i love to run away to disney.  but not very practical during the work week.  and i can't stay home all the time. exercise is not my thing.  i don't enjoy it and it will not help me deal or escape.  any ideas?

the good news is that i didn't cry at the surgeon's office...

 

....which is definitely one of my past weight loss behaviors when things didn't go right.    the not-surprising, but kind of disappointing, news is that i weigh 282.  yes.  the wall still exisits.   sigh.   deep sigh.

 

moving on....looking at the postive...i have lost 30 pounds since october 22nd.   my surgery was 2 months ago.   i am 10 pounds away from acheiving my first mini-goal of a 40 pound loss by our february 11th disney cruise.   i know believe that i will break the 281.5 wall by my next appointment on february 2nd.  i got another 1 cc fill for a total of 6.  

 

sitting in the exam room waiting for my fill (and trying not to cry) i noticed a poster on the wall that said:



Ten Rules for Living with the LAP-BAND® System: 

1. Eat only when you are hungry, and no more than three small meals a day.
2. Eat slowly and chew thoroughly.
3. Stop eating as soon as you feel full.
4. Do not drink while eating.
5. Do not eat between meals.
6. Eat only good quality, nutritious food.
7. Avoid fibrous food.
8. Drink enough fluids during the day.
9. Drink only low-calorie liquids.
10. Exercise/be active at least 30 minutes a day.

i am sure we all have seen this before.   we definitely have heard it before.   i have decided that this will be my daily checklist.  every evening i will review the list and report on my success.   i was tracking my protein, fat and calories every day -- but i started to rebel against that. 

and for my final positive thought for today.... regardless of today's weight and the wall in front of me....i will never look like this or weigh 373 again....

insanity...part 2

so, last night it took everything in me to get out what i was feeling.  now i will talk about some of the things i learned yesterday at support group.

as i mentioned, last night the mental health professional was there.   so when i told my tale of woe she suggested that i needed to identify why i had a wall up at 281.5.    she mentioned possible trauma, abuse, etc in my past.  as far as i know i don't have that and i mentioned to her that i had a pretty good childhood and that my parents were always these jolly fat people.   she zeroed in on that and offered the possibility that my fat was my connection to my family and maybe by losing the weight i was scared of losing the connection with them.   that is quite possibly true.

i am 37.    i am a professional.  i am a mom.  i own my own car, home, life.  but at the end of the day my mom's approval of me is the most important.    we talk throughout the day.  if she is not upbeat when i talk to her i keep calling back until she is.    it has always been this way.   i remember about 13 years ago i was in counseling for my anxiety.   for some reason we were talking about my grandfather (the love of my life) and his impending death.    i forget how we got there but the counselor asked me what would happen if my mom and grandmother died before my dad and grandfather.    my reaction was visceral.  i just bursted into tears and hysterically cried.  i remember telling her that i had never thought of my mom or grandmother dying.   that session haunts me.  (ironically, my grandmother died about a year later and my ill grandfather lived for 5 years after she passed).

i've got mommy issues.  that is all i know.   also ironically, that was the last counselor i was ever able to connect with.  i have seen 3 or 4 different counselors since i have been back in florida (10 years).    none of them have worked for me.  for some reason most of them end up telling me about their lives in our sessions rather than helping me.

one of the most successful women in our group mentioned last night that she started seeing a counselor about 8 months into her journey (she is 2 years out).  she said the person specializes in eating disorders.   i think i may reach out to the mental health professional from last night and ask her for some recommendations.  

like she said -- i need to figure out why this wall exists because it will keep popping up even when i pass 281.5.  and i tell you what...i am not going through this head case shit the first weekend of every month as i prepare for my monthly post-op appointment.

the insanity slowly creeps back in....

i am just going to lay it all out there....i am feeling like a head case the past couple days.   how does the old saying go?  you can take the fat out of the girl but you can't take the girl out of the fat?

i kind of feel like debbie downer right now since i have new followers today.  i want to be on my best behavior and dazzle you with my success and perfect band life.  

sigh.  that's not going to happen.  lol.

at the beginning of last week i felt restriction.  i was working the band.  

by saturday night it was gone.  or was it?   i don't know anymore.

i don't remember what i ate saturday night. (old behavior -- using food like a drug.  basically blocking out the bad behavior). i do know by sunday night i had 3 dinners.  ok, 4.  granted they were all (about) 3oz and spaced over 3 hours.  but i was totally grazing.   i failed the band and it failed me.   i never got stuck.  didn't feel restriction.  nothing came back up.   and i kept going back for more. 

what else did i do wrong?  i avoided my blog all weekend.  which means i avoided reading other blogs for support.  i avoided lbt.  shit, i avoided everything.

today after some deep reflection i can say it was definitely a case of mind over matter.

why?  oh, i'll tell you why.  tomorrow is my 2 month post-op appointment which means it is --- dun, dun, dun --- weigh-in day.   last time i weighed in i was 288.  that was 3 weeks ago and it was 2 pounds down from the week before.  so if everything goes as prescribed....i will be 282 tomorrow.  well, maybe not.  why?  because 281.5 is my personal wall.  that is the lowest i have gotten with any weight loss attempt in the last 10 years.   and for whatever reason at 281.5 i stop.  and my lovely bat shit crazy self decided to sabotage myself the last couple days.   of course i did not realize this until after dinner number 4 last night (at 11:30PM)...

so what happens today?  do i collect myself and move forward.  nope.  the old behaviors kick in.  i neglect the lunch i packed for myself today and not only go out to lunch -- but i go an hour early.  i start thinking about "starving" myself the rest of the day.  so then i eat a small piece of candy to kick of my fast.   i also start to think of the old weight watcher weigh-in day tricks... laxatives, water, etc.  sigh.  

i am happy to report it is not all doom and gloom.   i did some things right.   instead of going to book club i went to support group because i knew this week the mental health professional would be there.   i spoke up and asked for help and listened respectfully when it was offered.  even if it was uncomfortable.   i am blogging.  

part of me is so mad at myself for letting this wall, this figment of MY imagination get the best of me.   i have the band.  i have the tool.   i know that during these first 6 months or so that i would have to work hard not to lose weight.  not only can easily break through my wall, i can get pretty far away from it.   but that inner bitch in me is too strong willed at times.

this post has exhausted me.... more tomorrow...

thank you all for your wonderful comments.... they really mean a lot to me.

cheap and easy post...

some random ramblings...

stayed home from work today. needed a mental health day. i have felt "weird" all week and there was some moist stuff, i think they are called tears (sp?), randomly coming from my eyes. lol. i have an IUD so i don't get my period...but i sure felt pms'y and didn't want to act bat shit crazy at work.

ran into the woman who convinced me to see the surgeon. it was such an warm and emotional (see above) conversation. she has lost over 100 pounds since having her lap band in nov 08. just amazing. i will be forever grateful to her for sharing her story with me over lunch at a work event this summer.

there must be a full moon in pre-schooler sphere because my daughter has been whacked out the last couple days (see above). i actually brought her home from school early today to give her some extra attention and get her to chill out. when i was little my mother always wish a child just like me on me when i was being bad (a l0t). i wish she would lift the spell. having a 4 year old throw you 14 year old attitude over what she is wearing to preschool is getting old.

i am ready for my fill next tuesday. i feel out of control with my food (see above). not the type of food but the amount and frequency. i want this journey to start for real and i want it NOW.

i need to commit to exercising (see above).

i didn't sleep with a binder on last night and today i felt pulled again. this time where i assume the stoma/band are. i have the binder on now and it seems ok. did i tell you all i am a hypochondriac? lol.

glee is on tonight. i like glee. i hope mrs. shu gets busted for lying tonight. quinn too. i read somewhere that next week is the last episode before april. i hope both those issues are resolved.

coming out of the closet

today i am going to pull all of the 30/32s tops out of my closet. i know that this may be a little ambitious but i know the 26/28s are getting more comfortable too.

i know there are clothing exchanges but we have a plus size consignment close by and i love to clothing shop. so i am planning on consigning my stuff so i can shop off the proceeds. my plan is to *have to* take the 30/32s in for consignment before the end of the year.

my closet is a mess (it is small and a weird shape) and it has neeeded a good emptying out for a long time. i am envisioning an empty closet as part of this weight loss process that i can slowly refill.

the good thing is i have a lot of work/logo shirts that are too tight on me (the company we order from only go up to 2x) that i can use to tie me over at work between 30/32 and 22/24. That is my goal. To not go clothes crazy until I am down at least 75 pounds. The only thing I will need to fill in is weekend shirts and pants.

i need to whine.....i think i pulled a muscle in my boob. i am serious. about 4 inches above my port and at the base of my boob it hurts. like pulled muscle hurts. i have no idea how this happened. the good news is that my port area has finally stopped being sore.

yesterday my sinuses were draining like a mother fucker. last night i was coughing all night as a result. today i am crazy tired and have no voice.

apparently i was banded...

where to start....the last 24 hours has had a lot of band ups and downs...

i am sad and ashamed to say that yesterday -- 10 days post-op -- i overate, ate something i shouldn't have and vomited/slimed/pb'd. i am not sure what happened. i have been dreaming of MEAT. and since i am not into boys, i mean the cow variety....lol. so anyways i defrosted 3 turkey meatballs. i thought if i just chewed, chewed, chewed. i would be ok. nope. 2 meatballs down and i realized i would not have to wait one month post-op to know what "being stuck" felt like. i tried to walk around the house. put my arms in the air. and when the big angry burp came i just went into the bathroom and waited. i can not puke in a toilet. the idea just does me in. so i stood in the shower and waited. and it came. all of the meat, foam and that is pretty much it. i am not too worried about band slippage because there was no stomach contractions or gagging. and i have been fine today.

i am not trying to justify what happened...but, honestly, up until that moment in the shower, i was starting to doubt there was a band in there. i know that sounds silly. but it is true.

so i got sick. i sucked on some popsicle to cool my throat and went to bed. i woke up today back on track. i had a protein shake for breakfast. lunch was business and out and remote so i had beans (the soft light brown kind -- refried?) with a little cheese to help me get past the taste. that was a MAJOR accomplishment for me even without last night because we were at my favorite authentic mexican restaurant where i usually get this wonderful dish called a Botana (nachos with cheese, topped with salad, topped with guacamole, topped with skirt steak, topped with a quesadilla). had a shake late this afternoon and a little tomato soup for dinner. and water, water, water all day.

after lunch i had a meeting with a constituent for the government entity i work for. his wife and i are friendly and former co-workers so we met at their house. we were talking business and then at the end i told them about my surgery. the man struggles with his weight and was asking me about the lap band. he thought that the port was on the outside (like an insulin pump) so here i am at a "business meeting" and i turn to his wife and ask her if i can lift my shirt up for her husband...lol... she said yes and i showed him my port scar. i am not sure if it was a high-point or low-point in my career... but the fact that his wife told me how proud of me she was for getting the surgery makes it a high-point in my lap band journey.

that has been a common response from people...."i am so proud of you...." i think it is an interesting response and i am kind of curious to know why *that* of all things is the first thing some people have said to me.

and finally, i was at my parents earlier and jumped on their Wii fit and found out i have lost 7.5 pounds since last friday. yay me.

this post has been brought to you courtesy of Commando's constant nagging....

sigh

i think i am suffering from last supperitis. part of me wants to jump in and start my pre-op liquid diet. (i am not required to start until Nov 2nd). and then part of me is looking for all my favorite foods....today i pigged-out. ate bread even though i am gluten intolerant.

i have exerted some control over these urges, but i am consciously worrying about the control i am required to exert for.the.rest.of.my.life once i am banded.

i definitely have instant gratification issues. i want now and i want it my way. in almost all aspects of my life. as far as food goes - if i did not hate the kumbaya aspect of support groups i would join overeaters anonymous.

i think i am realizing that there is definitely a hill to climb here....