100

8 months and 3 weeks since surgery.   i have lost 100 pounds since my pre-op weight.  

things are definitely slowing down....4 pounds lost in the past 3 weeks.   i did take another mini-fill today because i feel like i am eating too much.  but i am also eating the wrong things.  i know it.  i was honest at the doctor today.  

what this comes down to is that i am realizing that it is time for me to stop riding the lap-band train and realize that this is where both the habits need to change IMMEDIATELY and that i have to start thinking like a dieter somewhat.  and that fucking sucks.  because i hate dieting.  i am a bad dieter.  and with dieting comes bad behaviors.   sneaking.  making silly food bargains with myself.  obsessing about the next meal.  and more that i just don't want to talk about here right now.  UGH.  

but whatever.  i lost 100 pounds.  la la la.

good stuff all around...

while yesterday was the least amount lost at a monthly weigh-in...it really wasn't that bad.   i lost 6 pounds this month.  for a total of 84 since surgery and 145 since my known highest.  it was also the eight month anniversary of my band! 

i am pretty psyched to be 16 pounds from losing 100.   while, like most of us, i have lost 100 pounds many time over in my life...never to my knowledge in one direct journey.  even the 60 pounds lost before surgery took over 3 years and did not amount to 100!     and now to be at the point where i *only* have 60 pounds to lose.  a-fucking- mazing.

it is also the first time in 20 years -- since i was a freshwomyn (kidding  on the spelling-- i am not *that* much of a feminist) in college -- that i have weighed in the 220s.   228 to be exact.

ever since the ziggy the chihuahua boob flappin', pants falling down all over the neighborhood debacle i have been on a quest for new pajamas.  i picked up a pair at TJ Maxx yesterday.  they were a 1X.  didn't think i needed to try them on.  in fact, i thought they may be too tight and i may have to hold onto them for a while.   nope.   when i got home and put them on last night they were too big.  

i was talking to my mom about it this morning and she agrees....no more lane bryants.  no more avenue.  i need to go store exploring.  you would think a clothes whore like me would be chomping at the bit.  but i am not.  i don't know why.  i have already found my comfort zone at Old Navy.  but i know i need to go beyond that.  

my mom suggested i start with Macy's.  of course, i still have 60 pounds to lose so i don't want to go crazy shopping.   it will all work out, i know... but as others have said recently, it is kind of weird to say goodbye to my shopping comfort zone after 25 years.   i am sure i am not the only one here who's first job in retail was in a lane bryant...

i spent this morning cleaning out my camper and preparing it for our summer camping.   oh.my.god.  i was done in an hour and half -- what usually takes me 3.  i was so comfortable moving around, getting on my knees, standing on things to reach up high.   can't wait to camp in my new body.

tonight is my first date with bachlorette #2.  we are going to the Grease Singalong.   i am sooooooooo Rizzo.   will try to take a picture before i go for you all. 

have a great night!  i know i will!

like i could *ever* be in the closet....

i was back in tampa this week for work.   part of the trip was a site visit out to my favorite project.   as all the sissy old straight men climbed into the air conditioned truck, i grabbed the gator (cross between a golf cart and an atv and great for off roading) and the new guy and decided to see the natural side of florida the RIGHT way.   it was so much fun.   we rode around about 800 acres for a couple hours.  got up close with some cows (real picture to the right) and even came across some wild hogs.   fun, fun.

before i went to tampa i had a meet and greet/date with bachelorette#1.    it went really well.   we met up at a starbucks and talked for a couple hours.  we mostly talked about books -- which is such an aphrodisiac to this geek.    i did come out to her about the surgery.   what happened was...my surgeon's office had an open house earlier in the evening for the new bariatric support center they opened up.  it is a satellite office to meet with the nutritionist, buy bariatric specific shakes and vitamins and where we will hold our support group meetings in the near future.  very nice.  so i told bachelorette #1 over the phone that i was going to an open house at my doctor's and i would see her after that.   i am a very bad liar.  i wouldn't even say that... i just lack a filter about the truth and real world that i don't think to lie or bend the truth.  so of course, once we met she was kind of curious of why i would go to an open house at my doctor's.... so i told her what kind of doctor it was and just explained that i am very involved in the office going-ons because of support group and it is important to me.   it went over so naturally and casually.   she mentioned that she had a friend who had bypass surgery and gained a lot back "because she didn't have support".  (does anyone else find themselves being told a lot by others about all the people they know who "failed" at this?  i don't think it is mean spirited...i just don't think people realize that even us successful folks live with an eternal fear of "diet failure"...).  she did ask me how much i lost -- i told her 140 told and about 80 since surgery --- but i was able to find my filter and NOT pull out my 373 picture on my first date.  lol.

bachelorette #2 --- who i am meeting on saturday but have been talking to on the phone -- also knows.   we were talking and she asked me why i was single for so long.  i mean, seriously, i could understand that curiosity...she has this fabulous skinny bitch on the phone and it just doesn't make sense...lol...kidding.    so i told her that i put myself on a hiatus while i focused on myself after weight loss surgery.   i knew she would most likely be ok with it since earlier in the conversation we had already established that we BOTH had dated the woman i mentioned in a previous post who had weight loss surgery.   (the jewish lesbian dating pool is very small at times).    she was more than ok with it and gave me a congratulations.   she has also been sending me flirty emails all week after this conversation...so i have a feeling she is ok with this.   

it was also funny to be asked by her how current my pictures were in my online profile and to be able to tell her that they were from about 2 months ago and i weigh 20 pounds less.   you don't know how many people post pictures from 1993 in their profiles....

so everybody knows.  nobody cares.  typical narcissist letdown for me.  lol. 

tomorrow is my 8th month post-op check-up.  EIGHT MONTHS.  just crazy.  i have a feeling that this weigh-in will be below the 10 pound a month mark.   and i am already prepared to be ok with it.  i have needed a slight fill for about two weeks but have not gone on purpose.  three weeks ago i was having a lot of visceral tightness due to stress while i was in north carolina for work.   three days straight of throwing up every meal.   so i wanted to give my band some time to heal.  then with the mid-week tampa trips last week and this week i did not want to travel and be caught out of town with tightness again since the tampa trips include a lot of community dinners and me presenting to large crowds. and running out of the room or away from a table from elected official to throw up was not an option.  so...i am giving myself this past month as a "break" and look forward to be back on track by 9:30 tomorrow morning.   i just need a smidge...

Bored at 78...

today was my 7 month check-up with the surgeon.   i did not take a fill and i am holding steady right now at 8cc.  i am officially 78 pounds down since surgery and 139 pounds from my highest.  i'll definitely take it.  but at the same time, 78 seems like such a funny number to report on.   i am not disappointed or anything --- but now that i am *only* 22 pounds from 100 pounds since surgery i am get impatient (again). 

playing the numbers game and setting my next goal i know (hope?) i will have lost 100 pounds by my birthday in september.   my goal is actually to lose 22 more pounds by the time i go away to the keys for vacation on august 12th.   totally doable.   and be under 200 pounds by my birthday mid-september.   aggressive?  perhaps.  but will keep me motivated.

why do i need motivation?  because i am fucking bored.  bored with losing weight.  bored with being "good" about losing weight.  bored with putting on clothes that are too big.   lol.  the whole thing is BO-RING me.   apparently this 6/7 month point is where people in recovery from substance abuse usually use again because they are bored.   pass the heroin* please.  lol.  because pigging out will only make be throw up and that is not fun.  a couple months ago i was going to post a poll on "what should heidi's new transfer addiction be?"...now i wish i had because i am ready to act out.   i dream of bottles of wine.   remember fondly the pre-responsible job and pre-mommy days of drug indulgence.   buying clothes, while can be a fun addiction, is useless and stupid now.   HELP!  i need to have something, anything, to make me feel like a bad-ass and at the same time numb the next few months....lol.

*please understand that while the intent is sincere, i am not really looking to become addicted to drugs  no need to call nancy reagan -- but if you do want to stage an intervention on A&E i may be game!

get your kicks....on route 66...

66 pounds lost since surgery that is... yay! had my monthly post-surgery checkup today and i weighed in at 246. that is 127 pounds lost from my highest known weight.

ok. long pause.

246.

i, heidi, weigh two hundred and forty fucking something pounds that is sooooooooo skinny. lol ok. to me it is. lol.

here is my monthly recap:

pre-op -14 pounds
month 1 -8 pounds
month 2 -8 pounds
month 3 -10 pounds
month 4 -14 pounds (this was actually 6 weeks)
month 5 -12 pounds (this was actually 6 weeks)

i did not take a fill and i think at 7.25cc i am at my sweet spot.

ya know, it was kind of emotional for me today. i am used to my whole life crying in front of scales because of the number being displayed. in the past it was because i was frustrated with my body and the "gods" and really what it was...anger. i would cry because i was so mad at myself for not following the program and expecting success.

today i cried. big ole emotional sobs. it was like a floodgate. (damn, the tears are starting again). it was not a cry from a place of anger or frustration. it was, and is, complete joy. an overwhelming sense of accomplishment that at times is scary. seriously. if i can do *this* after so many times failing, what else can i do? and not just the things i failed at -- but the big things not tied to weight i never tried because i was scare of failure.

speaking of big things...i am 100% focused on my September 2011 climb of Kilimanjaro. i think i finally found something to motivate me to get out there and exercise. since this past saturday i have walked at a minimum 1.5 miles. i have walked to target, to get my nails done, to dinner before support group, etc etc etc. last night i walked on the soft sand on the beach for an hour. i even went to a bicycle shop and i think i have narrowed down my choices and will be making a purchase this week for a new bike.

i have tons of updated pictures to post and hope to get to that in the next couple days.

the joke was on me...

on wednesday i noticed i was getting hungry pretty fast and eating more than i "should" so i called the surgeon's office for a fill.   i did not get a fill because i was at my sweet spot two weeks ago at my monthly check-up and BAM it was gone.  so, of course, my daydream as i drove to the surgeon's office yesterday was that i would jump on the dreaded scale and see i lost 8 pounds in two weeks...NO.  2 pound loss in 2 weeks.   not acceptable.  i was so bummed.  the PA i see could see it.  i wouldn't do my usual chitchat.  i was knocked off my pedestal....big time.  i took a 1/4 of cc fill.   she says that at this point the fills are smaller.  i hope this brings me back to where i was.  so the PA and i talked and of course she talked to me about exercise.  ugh. 

so....i left there in.a.mood.  fine, i thought, i won't go back to the office and i won't pick the princess up early...i will go home and walk the fucking 2 miles around my neighborhood.  and then maybe, just maybe, i will get in the pool and do laps.   then...i drove past a fabulous shopping center and what is better than pigging out and/or exercising...that's right -- SHOPPING!!!!!  so i ended up going into old navy in the first time in years.  i know, i know, we are supposed to be boycotting them after their jeans were so mean to Jen.  but i promise i did not even look at the jeans rack.  no instead i went into the dressing room with a 2XL dress.  came out buying an XL dress!  then i went to payless and got a cute pair of flats and then Avenue for a bolero type top to wear over the dress since the dress is a tube maxi dress.  and by that time i.felt.much.better.  and, of course, by that time there was no time to really get a good exercise in so i went to whole foods to stock up on fresh soups for the next couple of post-fill days.   and by then there really was no time to do anything so i went to pay a bill in person.  who pays a bill in person in 2010?  a person avoiding reality named heidi who weighs 256 pounds...that's who.

finally, i went and got the princess from school and we did come home and go in the pool but i basically stood in a good spot for tanning.  i did move my legs a little but not much.  

last night i had 3 small chocolate eggs that the princess brought home from school.  yeah...i stole candy from my underweight kid to sabotage my weight loss.  lol.

(please don't feel sorry for me.  i am definitely not as upset today as i was yesterday and i know it will get better)

so then i got into bed and decided to catch up on all my Ruby episodes i have been dvr'ing.   i know, she is a kooky evangelical annoying virgin -- but i LOVE her!  so the final episode i caught up on was where she was challenged to change up 5 things in weight loss journey.  the idea behind that was that insanity is doing the same thing and expecting different result.  hmmmmm.  something to think about.  and of course one of my 5 things is to exercise and make it part of my routine.  i am still not sure what my other four things are but will think about it some more and most likely blog about it.

it is another day in paradise here.   the princess and i are going to a waterpark today with other lesbian families.  but first i am taking clothes to the consignment store.   i have been doing great with my consignments.  so far i have been able to walk in and "buy" new clothes and not had to lay out any money.   this latest trip pretty much clears me out.  i am at that awkward stage where i am not yet an 18/20 but i am definitely not a 22/24.   and, babbling amy, for the record...i am bringing in 8 pairs of jeans today and that leaves me with only THREE pairs of jeans.   the horror! 

a good dose of crazy....

tomorrow i return to the therapist. 

i have seen some of your comments and i want to clarify the phone call thing.   this all came up because the therapist mentioned some kind of enmeshment behavior and i related back to her the previous day when i called my parents and they were home.  so i called each of their cells, their offices (it was a sunday) and then home, cells, and offices again.   probably 10 calls.   i had no reason to reach them and pretty much concluded they were at the casino (where they were.  where they are most sundays).   the conversation was then about that not only do i have this need to know where they are at all time...they do the same to me.  trust me.  there is a problem.

i did not do the emotional eating chart.  there were times when i thought i should put something down, but then never did.  need to get better about that.

i have a bunch of blog postings ready to share with her, per her request.

and finally, after blogging the other night and realizing that i get stuck and vomit a lot when i am alone and zoning out when i eat as opposed to social eating -- i did the follow collage.   one of the things that my therapist zeroed in on was her perception that i don't like to be alone with myself.  and even the activities i gave her that i enjoy all take me outside of myself -- reading, seeing friends, road trips, etc.

we'll see what she has to say.  my friend, commando, said today i could be a shrink.  i think she is nuts and needs a shrink.  lol.

Bizarro World Support Group

i am going to just put it out there...tonight's support group was fucked up. not good fucked up and not bad fucked up either...the new in-office nutritionist was the leader and she gave everyone two chocolate kisses. *pause for collective gasp*

yes. a bag of hershey kisses was passed around at my lap-band support group tonight. the topic was mindful eating. and we first discussed what is mindful eating. we talked about how we know we are hungry and how we know we are full. for hunger everyone said -- stomach growls, dizzy, etc. NOPE. on a scale of 1 to 10 if you are practicing mindful eating you should be at a 2 to 3 when you eat. you should be eating on a schedule. you should be asking yourself how you feel, when was the last time you ate and prepare yourself mentally to eat. for full you should be at a 5 to 6. i think with the band we are all somewhat aware of not eating to uncomfortableness.

but then...but THEN...she passed around a bad of hershey kisses and told us to each take two. she then said "go ahead and eat one..." i was watching the group....before she finished that sentence most people already had the kiss popped into their mouth. i chose not to (for reasons i will explain below). a couple other people chose not to either -- most said they did not want to open a floodgate. she then read a passage out of a book called Emotional Alchemy. the passage in the book is about raisins...but she chose to substitute it with chocolate (!!!!). she told us to hold the second hershey kiss in your hand and cup that hand with our other hand. i chose not to. the passage she read was a relaxation and then told them to put it in their mouths and feel the texture. i don't remember much because i purposely zoned out. turned out the point of this was mindful eating. the first piece they all popped it into their mouth without tasting it. the second one they all enjoyed. one woman said it was sexual. i get the end point....but i still am not sure it was the best food choice. she said afterwards she chose the chocolate because of the melting in your mouth sensation. would you bring beer to a meeting of alcoholics?

the reason why i did not eat the chocolate was because today i had my 3-month post-op appointment with my primary doctor.... the good news is that my blood sugar and cholesterol levels are going down. the bad news is that i am still technically a diabetic. i wanted to be one of those people who say "nine days after my surgery i was off all my meds...blah.blah.blah" <---- this was typed with a whiney voice.... but i am not. i am 3 months post-op and still a diabetic. my true confession is that i stopped taking my meds religiously pre-op. my commitment is to take my meds EVERY FUCKING DAY until my follow-up with my doctor in three months. i am not happy. but, whatever.

tomorrow night is another community meeting in another community....send "attention seeking whore" vibes my way so that i FINALLY will get a public shout-out on my weight-loss.  lol.

trouble in paradise....

and by paradise i mean my wallet! 

yesterday i went by the plus size consignment clothes and found out i had $125 available to me to shop.   so i stocked up on size 22 (!!!!!) jeans to wear right now and some 18/20 tops that were too nice to pass up -- that i can wear in a couple months.   i spent $80 of my consignment funds.  

the problem is....i bought a 2X Banana Republic top.  it actually fits around my shoulders and chest, but is too tight at the waist. i also bought a size 20 Old Navy long linen skirt that fits me right now.    i am a clothes whore.  and more to the point, i have no shame in saying i covet labels.  i have not been really been able to shop in a Banana Republic, GAP, Old Navy, etc. since I was in high school (20 years).  this becomes a problem for my wallet.  it is one thing to be a clothes whore at the avenue and their clearance rack or Macy's with the occasional INC top that is 40% off...but to start to realize the stores that await my wallet.  ai yi yi!  lol.

i am refusing to wear my size 26 jeans and pants anymore and will be packing those up for Babbling Amy.

in fill/restriction news... i had a 0.5cc fill on friday to complete my 0.5cc pre-cruise fill a couple weeks ago.  according to their scale i am down 3 pounds in 2 weeks.  i want MORE loss showing on the scale.   according to my parents scale for the Love Me Challenge I am down 7 pounds since we returned from the cruise last Sunday and i was up a pound.  both the doctors scale and my parents scale pretty much line up with each other.   my parents was one more pound down, but that was after a day of only liquids since i was at the surgeon's.

i have a confession to make...for the past couple fills i have not been that great about following my surgeon's rule of 2 days of liquids and 2 days of soft after a fill.  i would usually be on softs by the second day and back to eating by the end of the 3rd day.   so far this time, i have been great.  even went to a dinner party friday night and brought my own soup.  

i just had 1/4 cup of cottage cheese for breakfast and i feel satisfied.   i want to get to the point, like i see on other blogs, that i am only eating one or two scallops and am totally fine with that.

today i am going to a potluck brunch.     i am bringing my "famous" low-carb/gluten free crustless quiche.   it is just a nirvana of 10 different cheeses.    i am hoping it will be soft enough for me.  if not, i will have my shakes with me.

i am commited to this afternoon of spending as many hours it takes to catch up on all the blogs, comment and be active in our community again.

until then...successful living thoughts to you....

Goal Met!!! (10 days early, thankyouverymuch)

my first goal was to lose a total of 40 pounds by our disney cruise next thursday.   this morning was my 3 month post-op appointment and i recorded a 10 pound loss this month!  woo hoo.  actually to be even more boastful -- today is really 2 month 3 weeks since my surgery.   i went in a week early so i can have time to adjust to the fill before the cruise.  the last thing i need is to be pb'ing all over the ship.  

i had great restriction up until this past tuesday so i took a 1/2 cc of fill.  i am hoping this will do the trick.  even though the PA said i could come back next week before the cruise if i needed more, at this point i rather not risk it and just come in for the other 1/2cc after the cruise, if needed.

i was sooooooooooooooo nervous getting on the scale.  i am not sure i will ever be able to kick that old feeling.   i even mentioned it to the nurse while i was getting on the scale with one eye closed.   i told her that next time dr. bass needs to give me a lobotomy.  she said "then you won't be able to celebrate your success!".  she was so cute.   have i told you how much i love my surgeon's office?  lol.  <---- look!  you don't even have to wait until tonight to read that!

so i am ready with my next goal.  i am trying to stay motivated and realistic.....so.....the next goal to meet is a total of 65 pounds by mother's day -- may 9th.  

speaking of being realistic...in the car from the surgeon's office back to my office i was suddenly overcome with emotion because i realized that i was going to succeed.   i realized that i was going to meet or exceed every goal.  i realized that i will really be skinny one day.   it was a total good emotional cry.   a proud cry.  the kind of cry that happens when your beautiful daughter does something amazing.

i have also noticed that i have started to plan my life in 10 pound/per month increments.   i am attending a pool party in june.   when i saw that -- i thought..."ok, by then i should be 80 pounds down".  lol.  there is a big party in april..."ok, i will be down 60 pounds".   lol.  i think it is so funny everytime i catch myself thinking in 10 pounds.  does anyone else do this?

ok...back to work... it is a rainy, rainy day here in south florida.

have a successful day!

the good news is that i didn't cry at the surgeon's office...

 

....which is definitely one of my past weight loss behaviors when things didn't go right.    the not-surprising, but kind of disappointing, news is that i weigh 282.  yes.  the wall still exisits.   sigh.   deep sigh.

 

moving on....looking at the postive...i have lost 30 pounds since october 22nd.   my surgery was 2 months ago.   i am 10 pounds away from acheiving my first mini-goal of a 40 pound loss by our february 11th disney cruise.   i know believe that i will break the 281.5 wall by my next appointment on february 2nd.  i got another 1 cc fill for a total of 6.  

 

sitting in the exam room waiting for my fill (and trying not to cry) i noticed a poster on the wall that said:



Ten Rules for Living with the LAP-BAND® System: 

1. Eat only when you are hungry, and no more than three small meals a day.
2. Eat slowly and chew thoroughly.
3. Stop eating as soon as you feel full.
4. Do not drink while eating.
5. Do not eat between meals.
6. Eat only good quality, nutritious food.
7. Avoid fibrous food.
8. Drink enough fluids during the day.
9. Drink only low-calorie liquids.
10. Exercise/be active at least 30 minutes a day.

i am sure we all have seen this before.   we definitely have heard it before.   i have decided that this will be my daily checklist.  every evening i will review the list and report on my success.   i was tracking my protein, fat and calories every day -- but i started to rebel against that. 

and for my final positive thought for today.... regardless of today's weight and the wall in front of me....i will never look like this or weigh 373 again....

second fill

i went in today for a second fill. yes, it was only one week ago that i got my first. only 0.5ccs but also talked to the PA for a little while about where i am... we both think that i need to up my calories a little too. the issue is, the band is working. it is telling me when to slow down and stop eating. but at the same time i am crazy hungry about 2.5 hours after eating. so i need to stick to the 1/2 cup - 3/4 cup quantity but up the caloric quantity.

listen, i hated both math and science in school... and all these numbers are giving me a headache! lol. but i appreciated her coming in and analysing my intake to help me do this right.

the other benefit was i got to hop on the scale... down 2 pounds this week... so obviously i am doing something right --- especially since this week included the weekend i was away from home and in someone else's kitchen and ate out a lot. but, really, i don't want to be uncomfortable or struggle too much.

taking flight

so...i have a confession to make... a couple years ago i stole a seat belt extender from the airlines. ok. that is not true. i stole TWO seat belt extenders from two different airlines since i travel both frequently for work and they have different seat belt designs. i just hated having to ask in front of co-workers...

tomorrow the princess and i are flying to maryland to spend hannukah with our cousins and apparently see some snow (!!!!).

i am so hoping that i will be "returning" that seat belt extender this weekend and leaving that piece of my morbidly obese past behind...that would be very nice.

i also wanted to share some tips my surgeon gave me on tuesday at my fill.

• almost all "issues" with the band, in his opinion, is a result of eating behavior as opposed to being too tight, etc.
• slow eating. fork down between bites.
• cut up all the food into pea sized pieces before you eat so that every bite is the right size.
• sip water constantly between meals. the more lubricated your esophagus is, the easier food will go down.

have a wonderful day!

i am an official bandster now!

i have the band. i have my first fill. 4.5 ccs total.

you know how they say that after surgery you find other things to do besides eat or constantly think about eating? and you know how during our pre-op time we don't believe them? can't wrap our minds around that concept? today i finally get it! now instead of starving myself before doctor weigh-ins or rushing to get something to eat after weigh-in -- i rush through traffic so i can update my online weight-loss ticker! lol.

another 5 pounds down today. total weigh loss is 22 pounds. yay me!

the fill went great. i requested the surgeon do it and got to chat with him. it literally takes 30 seconds. i feel fine but i do know quite well that i really need to take small sips right now. chew, chew, chew. sip, sip, sip. i think i need a tape with that on it to listen to in my sleep.

he also mentioned he heard about the nutritionist and told me that his office is not the only one having these issues. he says it is frequent discussions with colleagues around the state. he said that the whole pushing carbs thing is a big problem for his practice. i suspect they will be bringing in their own person soon and stop using the hospital nutritionists.

i am wearing a new (size 26) black and white polka dot shirt today and size 24 side-zip cigarette pants. people are freaking out about my look and the noticeable difference.

ok, the important stuff is done -- weight loss ticker is updated and blog is current... need to get back to work...lol.

the nutritionist....dun, dun, dun

so i met with monique (real name, but very white and very small) the nutritionist today. if you ask her how i am doing she would probably tell you that i should be taken to a fat farm, put out to pasture and shot. lol

she is soooooooooooo argumentative and negative. thank god i have been working on getting my head on right lately or else i would have walked out of there and called my mom crying and jumping from the top of the parking garage. instead i called my mom laughing my (fat) ass off.

let's see... when you get there they have you fill out a status check form. you have to rate where you are with following the rules...amount of protein, exercising, vitamins, going slow, etc. you rate them 1 to 5. 5 is the best.

i knew when i was filling out the form not to be honest. i kept telling myself i was asking for trouble. but i read somewhere recently about the importance of being honest with the medical team during this journey so you get the best help possible.

well...let's see....she made a big to-do about me not using their tracking sheets. they are large sheets of paper and poorly copied. and i would have to kill tress and make lots of copies if i were to use them. so carry a small and compact journal with me. "fine! don't use our sheets. but you should know they ask specific information". i pull out my cute little journal to show her the details i keep. which are both the details from the sheet and some extras i made up. she tells me just to read off the protein counts for yesterday. i mention i am also tracking the calories and fat. she wants just the protein. ok, i will admit i think i was very proud of the journal. it is something that i could never do before. i mean, i would do it for a couple days. but not for a month like i have now! and the fact that i am also journaling the time i ate and writing my general disposition or location (hungry, tired, disney, etc) is a big deal to me.

so then she starts adding up my protein for yesterday. i already knew i was at 68. the target is 70. but yesterday i was working hard on avoiding cheese so i was ok with 68. guess what she did? she lectured me on how i needed 70 NOT 68. seriously folks. i fucking suck because i did not have 2 more grams of protein yesterday. she pulled out the example of shakes and said i should get these. i tried to tell her those were the exact ones i use (EAS and Pure Protein) and she looked at me like i was a pathetic liar. then she told me to spread out my protein more evenly throughout the day. if she had taken the time to look at MY journal she would have seen that i even time stamp my food in my journal (you have seen it here on my blog). she just kept going on and on. i tried to get a couple words in. she wouldn't let me. i kind of felt defeated. so i sat back and stopped making eye contact.

i guess my 2 grams of protein deficiency was enough to throw doubt over my ability to manage my program so she starts spitting out quiz questions to me. i am taken off guard.... like what do you eat after proteins? the answer is vegetables but i was a couple seconds slow in my response because i was visualizing the exhibit i had at home AND i am not eating veggies yet so it kind of caught me off guard. so as i am saying "vegetables?" she whips out a copy of the exhibit and says "you need another copy!" i mention i am not eating vegetables yet. she says i should be and whips out another sheet...it is the mushie sheet and sample food list that i follow... NO WHERE ON THERE ARE ANY VEGETABLES MENTIONED. i point that out as a way to say that i didn't realize i could since it is not on the sheet and she just tells me to eat some cooked pureed carrots or canned green beans. i try to engage her and tell her these aren't my thing and i prefer raw vegetables like cucumbers. she tells me i can only have pureed and and with that we are onto the next subject....

exercise... on the form i filled out it asked how much i exercised last week. i wrote 5 hours of walking. she read it out loud and then i literally sat there for about 20 seconds while she looked for something wrong....because you know she already has me pegged for a pathetic liar. but if she looked at my journal she would see the walking (including disney) listed. she said i needed to walk briskly. i said that i did. and as i was saying that i also carry two 3 pound weights she did not hear me because she said that while i should be walking briskly i also needed to warm up and cool down slowly. fine, monique, you got me.

then....my biggest mistake... this is the one that i KNEW i should have lied on...but i really was seeking help.... vitamins. with my gluten issues i have to be careful with processed things like vitamins. i have some gluten free liquid ones but they are not doing it for me. so when she asks me why i put a 3 i told her all this and added that i was actually planning on going shopping tonight while the babysitter was over and figure this out at whole foods. she pulled back into her mental rolodex and lectured me on the importance of vitamins. she stressed the calcium. i told her that was the only one that i was happy with since i found a nice chocolate tasting nugget at whole foods. her response? i should try Tums. WHAT? didn't i say that one worked for me. then followed up with the lecture again about vitamins. at the point i just keep saying "i know, i am going tonight to whole foods" to which she ends the conversation by saying i should go to GNC. gee, thanks for the tip.... you could have helped me think of some solutions.

but wait! there's more! i gave myself 4s on eating slowing and chewing. as i blogged yesterday these are my goals this week. she read these out loud and tells me how important they are. i say i know and that they are my goals right now. she asked me if there was a reason i wasn't just doing these things and stated that i shouldn't have to work too hard on just doing them. thank god i have lost 17 pounds -- because it gave me the ability to bend over in my seat and pick my jaw off the floor. did i hear her right? it must be nice to never struggle with your weight and get to tell fat people that changing how they physically eat should be easy to do.

at this point i am just shut down. and she sees it. so she tried to "comfort" me by saying "i know you are frustrated by your weight loss".... and that, ladies and gentlemen, is where i lost it. just lost it. i told her i was very happy with my weight loss and since she did not have me get on the scale that morning i have no idea what she is implying. she then asked me if i wanted to get on the scale. huh? i told her that i thought she was negative and argumentative. i mentioned to her that there is a pamphlet in HER waiting room about obesity discrimination and how it quotes a study that states that a large number of health care professionals discriminate mentally against fat people and think they are lazy and that SHE may want to read that pamphlet and educate herself. and then i left.

called my mom. she let me vent. and reminded me how nice the other nutritionist was in the hospital. i told my mom that i tried to get an appointment with her but she was not available. we agreed that i will try to see the other one before the end of the year.

i am not upset or anything. the thing is, i walked in there very proud and positive and this lady's negativity got to me but it doesn't undo how far i have come in this journey.

onward and downwards...

tonight is support group. i will probably mention some of this there. i know that the nutritionists pay a visit once a month. i hope it is not tonight and i hope it is not her turn. if it is, i may have to politely excuse myself....

more about my pulled boob...

apparently i did not pull my boob... i pulled the muscle under my boob! the discomfort got so bad last night that i went into the surgeon's at noon today and the physician's assistant confirmed that i pulled muscle above my port and my body is freaking out and there is some water collecting between the pull and the port. nothing that won't heal itself. she also recommended i wear some restriction like a girdle or spanx to keep myself together. lol. i thought i was losing weight NOT to wear a girdle!

the added benefit of freaking out over my boob is i got to hop on the scale. 3 pounds down since my appointment last tuesday! i have to say it is so nice to not fear the scale, worry about my clothing weight or the amount of water retention i have going on....

i ran into Avenue (plus size clothes) tonight to pick up a girdle tank top thingy for our trip to disney this week. on one hand it was very hard to be in there and not look at or buy clothes. on the other hand it was great to know that i am "good" on clothes for about 30 more pounds.

i came out about the surgery to "the guys" at work today. these guys all work in my department's counterpart department.... and they are guy's guys. they are often saturday night live skits of themselves. so we have been having candy wars between the offices since halloween. we keep passing this big plastic pumpkin full of candy back in forth between the offices in an effort to get it away from our respective departments. so today i went into the guy's space and said that they needed to stop derailing my weight loss efforts. one of the guys asked me what my weight loss plan was --- and as casual as can be i said "well, i had weight loss surgery two weeks ago for starters".... they were all very supportive and pleased to hear about my decision. the administrative assistant, who is new and i don't know very well, seemed to be very knowledgeable about it. she is a young girl and stick thin... i am curious about her knowledge but will talk to her more when the "guys" are not around.

i also got my first "are you losing weight?/you are looking good" comment today! i realized later on the way home i was so excited about the comment and saying thank you that i didn't mention the surgery. lol.

one more day of work (tomorrow) and then i am off on wednesday. thursday is thanksgiving lunch at my mom's and then the princess and i will do a couple days in disney. we have not been since mid-september and has been too long!

oops. excuse me.

i am gassy. let's just get that out of the way. i am like what this jewish girl can only imagine it is like to find-an-easter-egg-behind-the-sofa-in-july-gassy.

moving on.... i had my first post-op (8 days) appointment today. things are going great. my first fill is scheduled for december 8th. i am pretty excited and hope it goes well since i am flying december 11th.

since october 20th I have lost 14 pounds! not bad and i will take it. yesterday i decided to throw out the home scale. i got on in the morning and i was 292. then immediately after that i was 294. and immediately after that i was 286. that is just cruel and unnecessary punishment. so the scale is out in the trash. i will now only rely on the doctor's scale and the Wii fit at my parents house in between doctor visits for progress checks.

i like the idea of just doing monthly weigh-ins. 14 pounds a month is much more gratifying to me than 2 pounds here and there.

i am now officially on mushies... cottage cheese, egg salad, pureed beans, etc. yay.

today i felt "skinny". my clothes were loose and i felt good. my face has definitely thinned out and i think people are starting to notice, but just aren't sure "what" it is.


today and yesterday i got in 30 minutes of walking at lunch. yay me.