bench of reality....

i have blogged before about the "mirror of reality vs mirror of distortion".... this is my personal affliction that i still see my old self in the mirror and do not see what others see (reality) until i see a picture of myself.  until i am removed from the moment and reflecting back on it.

last night i was at a party that i frequent for parties.   i sat my sober (i swear i am going to lose these next 20 fast --- even if it means being sober) ass down on a bench.  ok.  so it is not a bench.  it is a plank of wood held up by two upside down 5-gallon buckets.   but it is the best seat in the house.  right by the door so you can see who shows up together and who sneaks off upstairs together.    while taking a picture with my friend, let's call her Kudy, last night it occurred to us two things...1.  Kudy and I sure do like to monopolize the bench and 2. my weight loss can be serialized through pictures of me and Kudy on this bench.

here is the bench of reality...

October 31, 2009 (Kudy was taking the picture)

Again, October 31, 2009 (Kudy still behind the camera)

April 17, 2010 -- Me and Kudy on the bench.  (it was a gender bending dress-up party.  she does not usually let her facial hair get so dark --lol)

April 17, 2010 -- earlier in the night in full costume.

June 19, 2010.   Kudy decided it was more important to visit family in the Midwest than sit on a bench with me.

                                                  December 11, 2010

one more time...

lest i get to full of myself here... i did get bitch slapped by a fat girl last night.   ok.  so i am bitter... she is someone i went on a couple dates with in the summer of 09.  then freaked out and disappeared.  i heard she was dating men after that.  and now she is back.  whatever.   so.... she was drunk last night and came over to talk.   and a real beanpole skinny friend walked by and she drunkenly leans into me and says: "you know what heidi, it doesn't matter how much weight we lose, we will never be that skinny."   fuck you, you fat stupid bitch.  i know she was drunk and trying to be friendly....but seriously?  you are going to try to bond with me over the fat thing?  first off, what is this "we" shit?  second off...i will...as far as i am concerned....i will be that skinny.  i was kind of pissed.  how dare she come over and bring her bad mojo to "my bench"... so i just smiled and told her that i planned to be that skinny after all my plastic surgery and that i am going to be Barbie.   then Kudy, M and I went back to our bench sitting and talked about working out while she just stood there.   like i said i am bitter.  i am over being a fat friend (that blog post has been swirling around in my head for months....).   there is so much more that i can on about...ugh.  but i just want to release it....but let me just say this....oh nevermind....stay tuned....lol.... because yeah...i hate lesbian drama, but i have a card was placed in my back pocket waiting to be played...

weird.

while nothing traumatic happened today....i feel like, as i sit here quietly reflecting on the day, that it was a roller coaster of ups and downs.   

the morning started out with a mammogram.  a couple weeks ago i felt something in my left breast.   my nurse practitioner at the obgyn felt it at my annual exam the same week and thought it could just be dense breast tissue but sent me for a mammo anyways.   i found myself all morning chanting in my head: "i can not die.  i am my daughter's only real parent.   i can not die.  i am a mom".   i am not sure who i was chanting to.   God.  a Higher Power.  Myself.   The Wind.  i am not sure.   but i emotionally exhausted myself.    my mammo was negative and there were no concerns.  i am good to go for another year.   it was not until later when i read the report that i actually laughed.  it says: "There has been interval decrease in size of the breasts compatible with interval weight loss".  LOL.  there was not conversations about me losing weight.  there was no scale.  i guess the two deflated water balloons at my waistband gave it all away!!!   as i told a friend today....should the need arise, i could tuck my boobs into my pants if needed.   seriously.  it is a good thing i can now tuck in my shirts and wear a good belt.   because now i have something to tuck in,  my boobs.  lol.

after the mammo i went to the mall.  i had a 40% off coupon and wanted to get a jacket at the Gap.  i didn't get it.   i didn't get anything.  everything looked sloppy on me.   it was weird.  not to buy anything because the larges were sloppy on me.   i was bummed.  but i wasn't.  just a weird feeling.

next stop was my department's holiday party.   i am a department director and we were sharing our party with three other departments.   the luncheon was at the Improv.    as department director i had to put on my hostess face and mingle with everyone.   i actually enjoyed that part as i have career threads back to the other three departments and it was just great seeing former employees and co-workers i never get to see anymore.   due to the nature of these departments most are men.   good ole boy blue collar men.  i love them.    they were cute.   most have not seen me for a while so there were lots of kisses and hugs and quite a few "ma'am, is it ok if i tell you that you are looking great?".   so cute.    in general terms, i can say that the women fell into three categories.... the fat ones avoided me.   the thin ones were all over me.   and the third category i will address separately below as it is one specific person.    but back to the first two categories... first i HATE that i am now the person who could possibly make an overweight person feel bad.  really.  because for my whole life i was on the other end.   but one of the thin ones said something that gave me pause for thought....we had greeted each other when she arrived.  and later when we were all eating she got up and came across the room and whispered to me: "i don't know if you get tired of heating this but i just want you to know that you really are looking great."   and i told her "thank you.  and no, i don't get tired of hearing it".   i know i sound so fucking full of myself here.   but in that moment i made a commitment to myself to embrace the attention.  enjoy it.   i deserve it.  it makes me feel good.  and it is about damn time i feel good about myself.   

so...the specific woman that has sent me to my blog this evening is the woman who talked me into not only having the surgery but directed me use my surgeon.   she is the woman that saved my life.   she is not only an employee but also a constituent for the government i work for.   in the summer of 2009 i ran into her at a council meeting and complimented her on her weight loss.   it was during a lunch break from the meeting and she told me to grab my lunch from the line and go sit in the hall with her.   and sitting there in the hall she told me she had surgery.   i told her how i looked into surgery before and was not sure if it was for me.  she told me to do it.  just like that.  she told me she did because her son wanted to do it and she was scared of him dying.  they did it together to save their lives together.   she told me to call my surgeon.  to use her name.   i don't know why, but i listened to her after avoiding this surgery for 4 years.  she is the woman who saved my life.     i have told her this many times over the last year.   the last time i saw her (a couple months ago) she told me she gained 40 pounds.   i didn't think she looked like it then.  today, i noticed the gain.  it is so much more.   i am sad.  i am scared.  i know.  i know.  i know just because she has gained weight does not mean i will.   but....sigh.  what a fucking mindfuck.   seeing her today.   nevermind, the uncomfortable greeting between us.   how i felt her eyes on me the whole time i was working the room.    the little voice in my head has already told me that i should go out to her community in the next couple weeks and visit with her and give her the strength that she gave me.    i owe that much to the woman who saved my life.  

i have to interject here that i am also happy that my holiday season obligations are now over.  hannukah has passed.  i have hosted three parties in my home.  hosted my work party.   and i am done.   done.  done with the socializing.  done with the food.  just done to enjoy the next couple weeks without many obligations.

tonight i ended up back at the mall.   the princess wanted to go to Stir Crazy and make her own dinner and i was in the mood for ahi tuna anyways.   then we went to old navy.   i got a couple sweaters.   then i bought myself faux uggs at Skechers.   i am still not sure why i did that.  they were only $30.   and they are kind of cute.  but i am 38 years old and live in florida.  lol.    the princess walked off with a new sweater and a pillow pet (unicorn to go with her panda). 

speaking of dinner... i have some crazy restriction going on right now.  not sure if it is from some work stress or the cold weather but i am tight.  not too tight but very much at a sweet spot and aware of the band doing its job. 

just a weird day.  like i said, nothing traumatic or crazy....just a lot of swings in my emotions.   like at times the weight loss is so dominant in my experience and at other times it is so far removed from what i am feeling.  

not hungry...

i have no appetite.   well.  that is a lie.  i have no real appetite for real food like protein.  i have no problem eating when it comes to chocolate covered mickey pretzels, though. 

beginning last night and through tuesday night i am hosting 4 events at my house...last night was friends hannukah party.   tonight is family hannukah party.   tomorrow is "straight" book club holiday party and then tuesday is "lesbian" book club at my house.    lots of food, to say the least.   i love to cook and entertain.  and even before surgery, i would remember that by the time i got done cooking and serving i would be too exhausted to eat.   last night i was not exhausted.  i just couldn't eat.  it is so weird to me to have a plate of food in front of me and not have any desire to eat it.

it is the same thing with people who buy something "just for a taste".... that blows my mind.  you take a bit out of a sandwich and throw it away?  crazy.  just crazy.

yesterday i went to macys and bought myself a coat.    it is a jason kole wool peacoat.  very cute.   size large (had to get that in).   it was weird for me to buy what i was thinking as a "forever" coat.   since i have been trying to lose weight the last twenty years i always resisted buying staples like a coat because "this year i swear i am going to lose weight".  i did have one long wool coat that was useful when i lived in charlotte and atlanta and for travel....but i have had that one for almost 20 years...and i never bought anything else because that was my staple to hold me over "while i lost weight".  so the price tag on the coat i found yesterday was $185.    i did not pull it off the rack because the saleswoman ran around the floor finding me all kinds of peacoats (i have one of the most helpful macys by my house).   so....i really liked it.   liked how i looked in it and resigned myself to pay the $$$$ for it....knowing it would most likely be my forever coat.   so, i have to tell you i was much delighted when it rang up for $89!    but here is the thing... i also saw a jacket at the GAP i liked.   i have a 40% off coupon good for this thursday so i am going to go back and get that too.   they have different looks to them and i like them both equally.

this is new for me....(and a small lesson my former girlfriend helped me to discover).... when you weigh 373 pounds you are just happy "something" fits you.   you don't really pay attention to how it looks on you --- as long as it goes over your head and no buttons pop.  right?  now  that i am in a more normal range -- i am looking at how it fits and also looking for more options -- more looks.   so now, for the first time in my life, it makes sense to me to own more than one winter coat/jacket.   new for me.

taking a break from the merri-go-round of life....

a lot  is going on.  yet nothing is going on.  i am not dating that woman anymore.   i think my quest for healthiness this past year has made me too sensitive to dealing with other people's unresolved shit.   the fun parts were definitely fun, but i am no place to deal with constant emotional antics and bullshit.   it has also made me realize that i really want to *just* date and not get involved in deep relationship stuff.  keep it on the surface and fun.   i always say this to women going into relationships and then i put my guard down on this issue and i grow to resent it.   i need to work on my role in that.  my life is so full.   i have everything i need.  all my boxes are full..... all i really want is distraction from my full life.

fortunately, this one was relatively short and i got out of it pretty unscathed.  (although there were some sad and mean moments....)  right now i am really looking forward to work slowing down beginning the week of the 13th and cruising along to the first week of january.   time to be a mom.  daughter.  friend.  me.  

hannukah starts tonight.   it is early this year -- which means by next wednesday i am DONE with the holidays.  woohoo.    many years ago when being a mom was only a hard to reach dream, i was working in a library and came across a book about "unplugging" the xmas tree and making xmas more about family than gifts or even religion.   i always thought that "when i have a baby...." that is what i would do.   and so i have.  the princess only gets one presents from me every hannukah and not the gazillion presents every night for 8 nights that i grew up with.   she does not get a toy or anything plastic.   this year, tonight, she will get a journal and special pencil so that she may start journaling every night about her day.   never fear, throughout the week she will be getting lots of presents from friends and family -- and that is ok too.   i figure i spoil her all year, that this time of year needs to be a special kind of spoiling from me -- one of hugs, kisses, family and quality time. 

from a lap-band perspective -- all is good.   i have good restriction but i am not too tight that i am hurting myself.   thanksgiving was a no-brainer.  just some turkey and a taste of gluten-free stuffing my mom makes just for me.   

i am working out twice a week with a personal trainer and really enjoying it.   i see this next phase of weight loss to really be one of deflation for me.   my stomach pouch, inner thighs and upper arms will continue to deflate and that is where the movement on the scale will come from.  

i have no idea what i weigh "officially". (and strangely, i don't care).   i just know i that my pants are falling off of me and i bought a size 12 skirt and wore regular size 14 jeans yesterday.  i have a scale that i now keep at my therapist's office -- but have not gotten on it for a while. perhaps my next visit in a couple weeks i will. i am beginning to see a thinner person in the mirror and not just in the pictures i take after the fact. i had this weird sensation this past saturday at disney...i felt "light". part of it is the working out -- but i felt light, agile, normal.

nothing is happening on the plastic surgery front right now.  i haven't even had the time to work on my medical necessity appeal.  but in the mean time i think my first surgery will be my arms.   the other day i was sitting at the table in a tank top writing something and i kept seeing something run across the room in my periphery vision.   it was not a critter....it was my arm shaking!!!!!!!!!  LOL.  i.swear.to.god.   i took this picture while i sat there laughing at my pathetic body.   it was such a funny moment.   so my goal is to save up the $4K i need to get my arms done and get them done by early spring so i will be healed by summer.    that means no disney cruise this year.   sigh.   but i really think it is worth it.  you can see how small my arms will be without the flaps.  lol.

i really miss blogging and reading and gaining inspiration from everyone's blog.  i know i say this everytime i reappear, but i really hope to get more regular again.   there are some things i really want to explore but always feel like i need to catch-up before i just lay them out there....

day 365

today is a day of reflection.   it is the last day of the first year of the rest of my life.  (geez....the tears are already flowing....).   tomorrow will be my one-year band anniversary.   

it really has been a couple weeks of reflection.  starting with a visit with Babbling Amy on October 29.   it was just wonderful.  we talked.  the kids played.  we sat in the hot tub.   we at AMAZING homemade broccoli ham cheddar soup.   we both talked about being "stuck" both on the scale and in our heads.   and we decided that our one-year anniversaries need not be "Day 366" but Day 1.   it is not the homestretch.  it is a new beginning.  for me, i have to lose 40 more pounds.  i have lost a gazillion this year....i *think* i can eeek out another 40.   seriously.  is 1/3 of what i have lost this year.   it is really 3-4 pounds a month over the next year.  sure, it is a step back from my rockstar 10 pounders....but not only totally doable--- but really realistic.  

i think know sometimes i get lost up in the big picture and forget to look around at the small moments.   as i typed the paragraph above i reminded myself that the first 80 pounds were lost on this journey in increments of 40.   time for me to step back and go back to the basics. 

i am training with a personal trainer twice a week.  she is the same lady that comes to my support group once a month.   four of us got together and she agreed to train with us at the same time for only $20 each per session.  it is great.  lots of one on one time.  she is helping me focus on my arms and belly.  

love life is divine.  i am definitely in the pre-stages of love.  she is just incredible.  i can't believe she is in my life.   we are really happy together.

i am still struggling with the mirror of distortion vs. the mirror of reality....so i share the following for my own reinforcement.

last year at Disney Halloween Party: 

this year.... (the princess is aerial and i am ursala from the little mermaid):

me at the grown-up halloween party last year:

me at the grown-up halloween party this year:

and so many NSVs in the last month it is sometime overwhelming.... i never really blogged in whole about vegas...so some NSVs from that trip and a report on buffet eating....

Vegas NSVs:

• i never got tired from walking.

• i danced on a bar.    in order to dance on a bar you need to climb up and down from the bar.  did that.   
•  sat on the floor of the airport.
• and i fucking ziplined down a street off the top of a 5 story building.  to do that one must get weighed.  i was waved on by by the lovely woman who stood guard at the scale.  the guy in front of me weighed in at 250 and was told he was right on the dot. 
• i shopped at Guess and bought myself two new items of clothing.  the young sales girl did not give me a funny look...instead she ran around the store picking out things she thought would look perfect on lil ole me.
• while in vegas i threw out a lot of the clothes i wore -- including all my pajamas because they were ridiculously big. 

(real quick on the buffets.... i was able to use my medical card at two buffets and pay the child's price...the M resort and the Rio....two of the nicer buffets i am told.  at our hotel the Freemont Hotel they would not allow a discount on the buffet but instead told me i could order and pay ala carte...bleech)

and here are some other NSVs....

• my personal trainer sees me as "advance" in what i can do.  i am the last person to have surgery in our group of four but she sees me as the one she can push because i don't have any "limitations".

• the hot woman i am dating stayed over the other night and did not have anything to wear the next day...so she pulled a pair of pants and a sweater out of my closet and wore them.  she is a perfect womanly size 12.  the pants were regular size 14s. Sweater was INC large.  sweater was perfect on her, pants were a little baggy.  to think i have a girlfriend who can wear my clothes....strange.   awesome.

• i wore a size 12 old navy denin skirt yesterday. 

• it feels like of cruel saying this...but it *was* one of my goals... i am NOT the fattest mom in my daughter's kindergarten class.

the jimmy buffett song "lovely cruise" has been in my head all morning.   if you don't know it...google it...listen to it... you need the tune to understand the words....i shall leave you with the lyrics as my final thoughts on this past year....because, really,  those harbor lights....they're coming into view

 

 

Drink it up

 

This ones for you

 

It's been a lovely cruise

 

I'm sorry it's ended

 

It's sad but it's true

 

Honey it's been a lovely cruise

 

 

 

These moments were left with

 

May you always remember

 

These moments are shared by few

 

There's wind in our hair

 

And there's water in our shoes

 

Honey, it's been a lovely cruise

 

 

 

These moments we're left with

 

May you always remember

 

These moments are shared by few

 

And those harbor lights

 

Aw they're coming into view

 

We bid our farewell much too soon

 

So drink it up

 

This one's for you

 

Honey, it's been a lovely cruise

 

Yea baby, it's been a lovely cruise

 

Oh darlin' it's been a lovely cruise

 

 

 



new boobs, new boots and a cute waitress

this is going to be quick and dirty....because i can barely sit up straight from the excruciating pain in my back.

my birthday in bullet points:

• surgeon thinks he can get insurance to cover my breast reduction and the cutting off of my stomach apron (i forget the medical term...starts with "P").  
• i would then cover the minor "tummy tuck" part since my insurance will be paying for the anesthesia, etc.    the tummy tuck will pull everything tight.  and then maybe Amy W. will leave Heather for my killer abs.  whatevah.
• he showed me pics of someone who had deflated and long hanging boobs like me.   she now has a nice perky C cup.  i can totally live with that after years of lying about being a DDD when i am really bigger.
• he is willing to break his "3 months" after goal weight rule for me.  i could barely sit unsupported on the exam table because my back hurt so bad this morning.    he wants to get close to my one year lap band anniversary date at the very least.
• insurance could take up to a month to approve.   then you usually get a 3 month time frame for the approval.  this puts me close to my november anniversary --- so the good lord willing and the crick don't rise i could be "fixed" anywhere from thanksgiving to xmas.
• my arms and thighs need to completely deflate (3 months after goal) before he will do them.
• i like the idea of a surgically conservative plastic surgeon.   his office is close to south beach and i think he is a rarity in this arena.
• he got me an appointment with his brother the chiropractor tomorrow.  which will help with this pain that left me in tears in the bloomingdales dressing room tonight and help with insurance documentation.
• once he saw a picture of the princess he started talking about making an arranged marriage for his 7 year old boy and her.  funny.
• he got chocked up.  silent.  disbelief when he saw my "before" picture.  when i could finally speak he said "you and Dr. Bass saved your life".
• my upper staff took me to PF Changs for lunch today.   our waitress was gorgeous.  like a perfect mix between betty page and veronica lodge (archie comics).   gorgeous.  silver eyes.  black curly hair.   red lips.  i think i am going to PF Changs again next week.  lol.  without the staff.  lol. 
• staff got me a disney gift card for my birthday.   they do it every year and every year i am thrilled.
• my boss and his staff gave me a surprise hello kitty cake at the office.   lol.
• spent the evening at the mall with the princess.  i went on a major shopping spree.  the new DKNY perfume i have wanted.  three new sweaters, a shirt and a dress and new brown boots.   shopping therapy.  needed it.

and finally, i had a major emotional freakout and breakdown today.  i will address it another day here.  i need to get it out.  long story short...if i am going to blog about new beginnings and coping skills ---- i might want to read my own blog and learn from it.   if i am going to talk about honesty and integrity i may want to consider not trying to control the access to that honesty.   if i am going to bust my ass all year to make it to my 38th birthday i may want to act like i am 38 and not 14. 

and one more thing... i just need to get this out.  the pain is overwhelming.   last month i could walk the mall for FOUR hours, if not more.  tonight i could barely do 2 hours.  these last 20 pounds have pushed my body to this place of pain.   here it goes:  i did not lose 160 FUCKIN pounds to be almost crippled by the end of the day and to have to avoid certain fashion styles because of my skin.  whew.  done.  thanks.

good night.  sweet dreams.  i am off to pop a pain killer.

good stuff all around...

while yesterday was the least amount lost at a monthly weigh-in...it really wasn't that bad.   i lost 6 pounds this month.  for a total of 84 since surgery and 145 since my known highest.  it was also the eight month anniversary of my band! 

i am pretty psyched to be 16 pounds from losing 100.   while, like most of us, i have lost 100 pounds many time over in my life...never to my knowledge in one direct journey.  even the 60 pounds lost before surgery took over 3 years and did not amount to 100!     and now to be at the point where i *only* have 60 pounds to lose.  a-fucking- mazing.

it is also the first time in 20 years -- since i was a freshwomyn (kidding  on the spelling-- i am not *that* much of a feminist) in college -- that i have weighed in the 220s.   228 to be exact.

ever since the ziggy the chihuahua boob flappin', pants falling down all over the neighborhood debacle i have been on a quest for new pajamas.  i picked up a pair at TJ Maxx yesterday.  they were a 1X.  didn't think i needed to try them on.  in fact, i thought they may be too tight and i may have to hold onto them for a while.   nope.   when i got home and put them on last night they were too big.  

i was talking to my mom about it this morning and she agrees....no more lane bryants.  no more avenue.  i need to go store exploring.  you would think a clothes whore like me would be chomping at the bit.  but i am not.  i don't know why.  i have already found my comfort zone at Old Navy.  but i know i need to go beyond that.  

my mom suggested i start with Macy's.  of course, i still have 60 pounds to lose so i don't want to go crazy shopping.   it will all work out, i know... but as others have said recently, it is kind of weird to say goodbye to my shopping comfort zone after 25 years.   i am sure i am not the only one here who's first job in retail was in a lane bryant...

i spent this morning cleaning out my camper and preparing it for our summer camping.   oh.my.god.  i was done in an hour and half -- what usually takes me 3.  i was so comfortable moving around, getting on my knees, standing on things to reach up high.   can't wait to camp in my new body.

tonight is my first date with bachlorette #2.  we are going to the Grease Singalong.   i am sooooooooo Rizzo.   will try to take a picture before i go for you all. 

have a great night!  i know i will!

like i could *ever* be in the closet....

i was back in tampa this week for work.   part of the trip was a site visit out to my favorite project.   as all the sissy old straight men climbed into the air conditioned truck, i grabbed the gator (cross between a golf cart and an atv and great for off roading) and the new guy and decided to see the natural side of florida the RIGHT way.   it was so much fun.   we rode around about 800 acres for a couple hours.  got up close with some cows (real picture to the right) and even came across some wild hogs.   fun, fun.

before i went to tampa i had a meet and greet/date with bachelorette#1.    it went really well.   we met up at a starbucks and talked for a couple hours.  we mostly talked about books -- which is such an aphrodisiac to this geek.    i did come out to her about the surgery.   what happened was...my surgeon's office had an open house earlier in the evening for the new bariatric support center they opened up.  it is a satellite office to meet with the nutritionist, buy bariatric specific shakes and vitamins and where we will hold our support group meetings in the near future.  very nice.  so i told bachelorette #1 over the phone that i was going to an open house at my doctor's and i would see her after that.   i am a very bad liar.  i wouldn't even say that... i just lack a filter about the truth and real world that i don't think to lie or bend the truth.  so of course, once we met she was kind of curious of why i would go to an open house at my doctor's.... so i told her what kind of doctor it was and just explained that i am very involved in the office going-ons because of support group and it is important to me.   it went over so naturally and casually.   she mentioned that she had a friend who had bypass surgery and gained a lot back "because she didn't have support".  (does anyone else find themselves being told a lot by others about all the people they know who "failed" at this?  i don't think it is mean spirited...i just don't think people realize that even us successful folks live with an eternal fear of "diet failure"...).  she did ask me how much i lost -- i told her 140 told and about 80 since surgery --- but i was able to find my filter and NOT pull out my 373 picture on my first date.  lol.

bachelorette #2 --- who i am meeting on saturday but have been talking to on the phone -- also knows.   we were talking and she asked me why i was single for so long.  i mean, seriously, i could understand that curiosity...she has this fabulous skinny bitch on the phone and it just doesn't make sense...lol...kidding.    so i told her that i put myself on a hiatus while i focused on myself after weight loss surgery.   i knew she would most likely be ok with it since earlier in the conversation we had already established that we BOTH had dated the woman i mentioned in a previous post who had weight loss surgery.   (the jewish lesbian dating pool is very small at times).    she was more than ok with it and gave me a congratulations.   she has also been sending me flirty emails all week after this conversation...so i have a feeling she is ok with this.   

it was also funny to be asked by her how current my pictures were in my online profile and to be able to tell her that they were from about 2 months ago and i weigh 20 pounds less.   you don't know how many people post pictures from 1993 in their profiles....

so everybody knows.  nobody cares.  typical narcissist letdown for me.  lol. 

tomorrow is my 8th month post-op check-up.  EIGHT MONTHS.  just crazy.  i have a feeling that this weigh-in will be below the 10 pound a month mark.   and i am already prepared to be ok with it.  i have needed a slight fill for about two weeks but have not gone on purpose.  three weeks ago i was having a lot of visceral tightness due to stress while i was in north carolina for work.   three days straight of throwing up every meal.   so i wanted to give my band some time to heal.  then with the mid-week tampa trips last week and this week i did not want to travel and be caught out of town with tightness again since the tampa trips include a lot of community dinners and me presenting to large crowds. and running out of the room or away from a table from elected official to throw up was not an option.  so...i am giving myself this past month as a "break" and look forward to be back on track by 9:30 tomorrow morning.   i just need a smidge...

i need new pajamas and to consider toning....

sigh.   i have been hanging onto my old pajamas since this whole ordeal (dramatic much, heidi?) started.  i have a great pajama collection.     i am a "real" pajamas girl.  matching sets.  cute stuff.   my favorite pair is this well worn, perfectly soft pink/purple set.   it is so big on me that when i go downstairs in them i have to pull the pants waist band well over my chest to make sure i do not trip on them and this is with the cute purple satin waist ribbon pulled tight. 

so.....this morning we are walking goosey and ziggy.   ziggy is done with his business and goosey is taking her sweet time looking for the perfect "ziggy-free" spot.   so i tell the princess to take ziggy in the house.    WELL...she decided to take his leash off right at the front door....which has not been a problem in the past because he would walk right into the house.   not today.   since i was still outside he decided to come find me.   so when i turned around to see what the princess was screaming about (poor thing) i see a leash-less ziggy standing in the yard looking at me.   as soon as we made eye contact --- he took off.   let's just say that he ran and ran and ran to the other side of my development.   along a canal.  almost into a major street.  finally some guy came out of his house with his english bulldog and ziggy ran over to say hi and the guy grabbed ziggy for me.   this was at least 20 minutes after the chase began.

what does this have to do with my pajamas?  well, i should also tell you that i do not wear panties in my pajamas.   so i am running around my development, along a canal, almost into a major street tripping over my pajama pants that are falling down.   yes.  my very white jiggly ass kept peeping out.    oh but it wasn't just my ass.  oh no.   it was my oh-so-(not)-attractive hanging skin stomach flopping around.  making noises as it slapped against my body nonetheless.    and it wasn't just the bottom half of my body.  oh no.   it was my now ultra-saggy boobs.   the left one going to the right.  the right one going over my shoulder.   and of course my pajama top is like a dress on me now so there is no support there -- at all.   the thing only touches me on my shoulders.     i was like the mel brooks version of bo derek running on the beach.   except it was wet florida grass which is very slippery first thing in the morning when you are losing your pants.   NOT GOOD.  

so i stand in front of this neighbor guy i have never met before.   pull my drawstring ultra tight.   tuck my gigantic shirt into my gigantic bottoms and start the long walk back to my side of the development.   then i think "SHIT -- THE PRINCESS!!!!" and start having major horrible thoughts that she took off to find ziggy and me and is now lost, scared or WORST.   

thank gawd she was the ONLY smart one in our family this morning and went into the house and sat on the stairs and waited for us.  of course she was upset thinking she lost ziggy (not too worried about mommy mooning the neighborhood though).  but she was -- thank gawd -- safe and sound.  smart kid.

this weekend we are investing in some pajamas for mommy.   and maybe some with built in firm bras.   lol. 

"they" say every woman needs one...

i never had one.... but now i do....

a LITTLE black dress!

will it ever be enough? is it enough? (reposted -- hit publish by mistake)

i was at a party saturday night and got tons of comments on my weight-loss and how i was looking. one girl kept saying that i am "invisible". someone else told me that they thought i only need to lose 10 more pounds "but not more than that". WTF? i did not come this far to be chubby. lol. but i appreciate the compliment.

then the next day in my hangover haze i see the cover to the National Enquirer at the grocery store and it is SHOCKING NEWS that whitney houston weighs 175 pounds. 175 is front page news?????

i have no idea what my true goal weight is. i am mentally targeting 165 since that puts me at a healthy BMI. but i have no idea if i will still look big at the size. but, really, for me, it is not about looking big -- it is about looking good. and by that i readily admit that i mean it is about looking good to other people. i have no shame in saying that i want to be attractive to others and cut down my chances of my fat ass being splashed across the front page of a tabloid (as if! lol).

on the other hand,  i recently had the realization that for the first time in my adult memory i have less than 100 pounds to lose.  not 200 pounds to lose like i once did.   not 147 like when i started this journey.   i need to lose 70 pounds.   on one hand that sounds sooooo doable and easy.  on the other hand i know these will be the blood, sweat and tears pounds.   i can't wait for "this" to be over....

and just like the woman who said i only had 10 more pounds to go...i too sometimes forget that i am not there yet...like when i stripped down to my not-so tighty whities (ok, they were black and lace) and jumped into the hot tub the other night.  sure i had my bathing suit with me, but "why the hell not" is what i always say!

and in the spirit of moving forward,  i have decided to actively re-enter the dating market today -- the first day of summer.   i have posted an online ad and told friends i am on the "prowl" and to send willing victims women my way....  right now i am looking to date, have fun and get back out there.   look out world!  lol.

can you go home again?

admittedly, i am more of a Tom Wolf girl than Thomas Wolfe...but yeah... I agree you can't go home again....or can you?

i am sitting in north carolina tonight dealing with all kinds of emotions.    i moved to north carolina, charlotte to be exact, in 1990 for undergrad.   i spent the next 6 years here splitting my time between being a good student, a baby dyke, a fag hag, a young adult dyke with lots of experience, a drug user, a lover, partner and friend.  it is the place where i truly fell in love for the first time (and honestly, at this point so far in my life, the last time i have experienced true love).   i haven't been back here in 14 years.   14 long years.   14 years where my time in north carolina grew into a romantic, whimsical, fantasy life in my head.     a place where all is well.  where the world was safe enough for me to go places that only a diet of ecstasy, acid and crystal would allow.    a world where sleeping off the night before in a cemetery with a beautiful woman was how i started most sundays.  

one of the recent dialogues in therapy for me lately has been that i kind of feel "stuck" in florida.  a lot of this has to do with my relationship with my parents.    my therapist has challenged me to allow myself to at least think about the possibility of leaving.  of moving back to north carolina, atlanta or even my favorite place in the world...alaska...  i really don't  know if i can do it on a practical level... (solo-parenting in a new place would be extra hard, i own a home in florida, my job pays above the national average for my profession)....but if nothing else, i am supposed to at least allow myself to "go there"...

and "going there" is making me feel very uneasy.   it is scary.   just like so many other things in this band process...if i look outside my safe cocoon i may have to admit that i am not happy/comfortable/content as i pretend to be.   and what good does that admission do me if i am not willing (or able) to do anything anyways.   sigh.  i don't even know if i am making sense at this point but i just need to get this out.

i mean i am a fool if i think i can just pick up my life and move to a place that i haven't been to in 14 years and expect it to be ok.   the place has changed.  i have changed.  i am no longer a student, a drug user or footloose and fancy-free like i was when i was here.   i am a mother.   a career woman.  i am healthier in so many ways.     does that mean i need to stay in florida?  no.   does it mean i need to make major decisions with my head and not my emotions? yes.  but don't my emotions and happiness count for anything.   will i be happy if i stay in florida?  i don't know.   but right now i need to stay there.   my daughter needs to be close to her grandparents.    she needs stability.   

before this whole idea of being "stuck" came up in therapy my plan had been to drive down to charlotte on friday and go visit my old haunts.  at this point i have talked myself out of it.  i don't think my heart can bear seeing charlotte right now...on either end of the spectrum...i don't want to see all the growth and changes that will kill my version of charlotte in my head.   and i don't want to see all the things, places, lifestyle that i loved.  that i wanted to raise a child in.   

then i thought on friday i would go to the mountains to see the place i spent many of my summers as a child at camp.  

but now i think i may find a high-end spa and treat myself to a massage and facial.  or i may go to a water park and have fun.  or do both.

or i may just stay in my hotel room and hide from my fantasies, my mind and my heart.  

damn....i look hot.....

excuse the grainy quality....but damn.... i could not stop looking at myself in the elevator lobby mirrors today....lol.

and speaking of my own hotness...i think with each passing day i am getting closer and closer to lifting my self imposed dating fatwa.   the line for applications form to the right, ladies... ;-)  lol

tonight was support group.   there is going to be a change in the support group structure in the next couple months.   they are going to divide us into two groups: under one year post-op and over one year post-op.  there will be exceptions to the year mark if it is someone who is far along and the surgeon's office feels like they are "getting" it.  i assume i will make it into the one year and over group.  i also know that my therapist will most likely facilitate this group.

after tonight, i have to say, i am really looking forward to the split.  my patience for recent crop of newbies is running out.  unlike myself and others who were new around my time, they do not come to listen or take away information....instead they come in and tell us how they can eat "anything" and talk about snacking on non-protein stuff.     everything is just sooooooo easy for them.  there are 3 who have been doing this since one-week post-op.   i think they are all liars.  lol.   tonight i kind of called one girl out.   she was telling us how she keeps her refrigerator at work stocked with grapes, carrots, hummus, etc.   she pointed out that they were "good snacks".   i pointed out that they are not protein and i always try to go for protein first.    she said she logs her food and gets all her protein in even with these snacks.  so i pointed out to her that when she gets to good restriction she is only going to have 3-4 opportunities -- on a good day -- to eat and that now is the time to adjust to the protein-first rule.   our leader was agreeing with me.  ms. three and a half months told me she was doing ok.  so...sorry, but i had to...so... i turned to our leader and said that i was having weight watchers meeting flashbacks where i would leave a meeting knowing that a tootsie roll lollipop has 1 point, an oreo is two points and on and on and on.    i know ms. three and half months was not happy with my analogy...but someone needs to let these people know that the hard work is right around the corner and i am always happy to piss on someone's parade.....lol...  no, not really...but, yeah...i do get the reason for splitting the group.   one group needs to be the basics and the other needs to be the long term behavioral stuff -- as it was presented to us.   kudos to my surgical group for always improving our support options.

tomorrow i am flying to north carolina for a week of executive communication boot camp.  oh joy.   it is now my turn to have my inners ripped out and analyzed by a group of know it alls....  what comes around, goes around.  at least i have no worries about the southwest blubber police ever.again...thankyouverymuch....

Bored at 78...

today was my 7 month check-up with the surgeon.   i did not take a fill and i am holding steady right now at 8cc.  i am officially 78 pounds down since surgery and 139 pounds from my highest.  i'll definitely take it.  but at the same time, 78 seems like such a funny number to report on.   i am not disappointed or anything --- but now that i am *only* 22 pounds from 100 pounds since surgery i am get impatient (again). 

playing the numbers game and setting my next goal i know (hope?) i will have lost 100 pounds by my birthday in september.   my goal is actually to lose 22 more pounds by the time i go away to the keys for vacation on august 12th.   totally doable.   and be under 200 pounds by my birthday mid-september.   aggressive?  perhaps.  but will keep me motivated.

why do i need motivation?  because i am fucking bored.  bored with losing weight.  bored with being "good" about losing weight.  bored with putting on clothes that are too big.   lol.  the whole thing is BO-RING me.   apparently this 6/7 month point is where people in recovery from substance abuse usually use again because they are bored.   pass the heroin* please.  lol.  because pigging out will only make be throw up and that is not fun.  a couple months ago i was going to post a poll on "what should heidi's new transfer addiction be?"...now i wish i had because i am ready to act out.   i dream of bottles of wine.   remember fondly the pre-responsible job and pre-mommy days of drug indulgence.   buying clothes, while can be a fun addiction, is useless and stupid now.   HELP!  i need to have something, anything, to make me feel like a bad-ass and at the same time numb the next few months....lol.

*please understand that while the intent is sincere, i am not really looking to become addicted to drugs  no need to call nancy reagan -- but if you do want to stage an intervention on A&E i may be game!

re-entering the blog world

so last night i saw the only friend that gave me a less than enthusiastic reception when i told her i had surgery back in november.    her response was something along the lines of "yeah, i thought about doing it the easy way but me and my husband just signed up for weight watchers again".   ok.  maybe the "again" was added by me, but it is true.  lol.   anyhoo...let's just say that her mouth dropped to the floor when she saw me last night.    she also proceeded to tell me that she had gone to surgery seminars before and now she wanted my doctor's number.   so, being the good band ambassador that i am, i told her i would go to my surgeon's seminar with her when she is ready.  she also brought up concerns about missing pizza and hanging skin.   sure, they are valid concerns we all have in the beginning BUT i think i can say with confidence now that those are really just self-created roadblocks to stop ourselves from losing weight.

this all went down at my "straight book club".   and while we were talking someone else chimed in that she everyone she knows who had the band only gets to "pleasantly chubby" and never skinny.  gee thanks.

things are going well from a band perspective.   moving right along with my weight-loss.   this thursday is my 7 month check-up so i will know my weight then.   i got my restriction back and really, this is just a regular part of life for me now.

i have been staying very active.  did a 11 mile bike ride recently on my new bike.  lots of outdoor activities.   this past weekend was Gay Days at Disney and i really enjoyed myself with my daughter and a good friend.   here is a picture of me and the princess. 

i feel somewhat obligated to explain my absence from blogging.   while it has not been deliberate, per se, there are reasons.  

one reason is that i was starting to feel a little too exposed with people i know in real life.   i don't mind that they are reading this, and i certainly don't mind their comments here or in personal emails to me regarding what they read here.  but there were a couple instances where the contents of a recent blog were discussed in front of people who are neither privy to my blog nor did i really know enough at all to discuss the surgery with.   and you know, i have been very open about the surgery.  but it really put me in an uncomfortable position to literally be standing around in a group where i really know some people and don't know others AT ALL and have someone ask in front of the group about something i just blogged about.   i wanted to just blend into that crowd as a normal person who is so fucking close to being normal sized.

another reason for my lack of blogging is all the work i am doing in therapy.   some of it is mind blowing stuff that is really helping me evolve quite quickly into a better person.    so because of the exposure i felt above, i really didn't feel comfortable knowing that one day i could be standing in a crowd and someone could say "so...that was kind of interesting how your therapist said you were a blankity blank..."  and, i also just don't feel like sharing some of it right now with blogging community either.    interestingly enough, this reason not to blog is a systematic of something greater in my healing process and that is my usual way of seeing things of all or nothing.   never in the middle.  so after talking last week in therapy about it, i realized i did not have to stop blogging completely, i could just change the focus of what i blog about.  because i really do miss blogging.

and that brings me another reason why i stopped blogging... i am at this point, 7 months out, where i just want to to "normal".   i don't want to make a big deal out of wearing size 16 old navy skirts.   i don't want everything i do for the rest of my life to be a comparison to my former life.  i just want to move forward.  i know that does not sound too mentally healthy... and i am aware of that...but i am just not at the point where i want to look back and realize that maybe i wasn't that perfectly adjusted fat person after all.    it is hard enough rethinking my relationships with my parents, friends, lovers, co-workers and even strangers on the street...i can't, i mean CAN'T, everyday redefine my image of who i was compared to who i am today.  that is too painful and not something i am up for or care to do at this point.

and finally, i just found myself spending too much time living vicariously through the blogs, when i realized that there are so many things i rather be doing in real life.   i want to spend more time outdoors.  i want to catch up on reading.  i want to date again.   i want to live life.   every moment of my life.  and not zone out in front of the computer night after night.

so i am going to recommit to my blog.   i still want to record my journey.  i still want to be helpful to others who come across my blog.   but i am not sure how much i can participate in the community as a whole.   my focus on my blogging activities will now be more of a journal as opposed to a community.  it is not aimed at anyone.  so please understand if i don't visit too many other blogs right now.  i need to stay "inside" myself and stop looking "outside" for thoughts/entertainment/validation.  it is a major part of my personal journey and evolution.   

celebrating mother's day...

and working on discovering my inner MILF.   i started this journey telling you i was doing this for my daughter and only her.  they i decided i was doing it *really* to be a skinny bitch.   but here on mother's day 2010...i am proclaiming to the world that my weight loss goal is not be a better mom, sit in a kindergarten chair, be a skinny bitch or even be healthy.  my weight loss goal is to be a MILF.  ;-)

the princess is a frickin mood today.  took her to the dog park and playground and she had major meltdowns.   came home.   told her to go to her room for a time out/rest and she slammed her door (the first time) and screamed at me she was moving away because i am the.worst.mom.ever.  lol

so in light of that i am blogging, cruising the net and having a grand ole time on mother's day being ignored.  for real!

prior to all the drama we actually had some fun taking "fashion girl" pictures.

yes, i "let" the princess go out in public wearing an undershirt, butterfly tights and a yellow tutu.

father's day 2006.  siz 5x outfit out of a catalog.

mother's day 2010.  size 18 (not plus 18) head to toe.

Happy Mother's Day to all the Skinny Moms out there....

catching up on my tan...

i really don't know why i am not blogging lately. nothing is wrong. actually, quite the opposite. everything is great.

i am feeling good. i am active. and really the band has gotten to be such a "non-issue" for me. which is exactly where i wanted to be by now.

back in late december, at support group, we listed some long and short term goals. one of my short term goals was to hit the 50 pound mark and really own/work the band. i can definitely say at the 66 pound mark i am doing that. right now i am living my life to the fullest -- in relative terms, of course.

i bought myself a bike for mother's day.  and the princess and i have been riding everywhere.  i totally love "working on my tan" on it.  lol. 

this past weekend we loaded the bikes on the car and headed down to the Florida Keys.  There is a speciality shop down there that I like to get my bathing suits from and it was time to upgrade into suits that will not fall off me this summer.   also, they do a good bra fitting and carry top-shelf bras.   size-wise i am wearing a size 18 bathing suit and 36 bra size....i will spare you the cup size...lol...

we were able to get in a waterside/roadside picnic, a bike ride, a swim in the atlantic and a couple hours at a tiki bar.  good for my soul.

tonight is support group.  this will be my 3rd week in a row since i missed 3 weeks in a row.  i have to say, i am having a hard time adjusting.   but i know i need to keep going...so i will.   since talking with my therapist about the "n-word" stuff and sitting back at group more i can tell you that they are nothing but a bunch of narcissist.  lol.  and it is annoying.  what they don't know is that *my* therapist will be visiting our group in a couple weeks as a guest speaker and she is going to be exploring the whole narcissism / food addiction connection with them.  lol. 

the princess and i have been keeping busy. here are some pics of our good times...

Me and the Princess playing "Fashion Girls".  She really likes that I am wearing more "girl clothes" lately.

My Mother's Day present to myself...a new bike!

The princess and I at John Pennekamp Park on Saturday.  I asked the creepy guy taking our picture to get all of us and our bikes that we were standing in front of in the pic....but i think he was only looking at one thing...

The princess took this of me during our roadside picnic in Islamorada (mid/upper Keys) on Saturday.  I can't say enough how much i love the Florida Keys...

Princess and me on a bench in John Pennekamp Park taking a break from our bike ride.

The princess at Gilbert's Tiki Bar in Key Largo.  I have a feeling you will be finding us here a lot this summer.

Me goofing on the actress Sharon Gless (Cagney and Lacey) at the Miami Premiere of the movie Hannah Free.  There are a series of shots where I am acting like a crazy stalker.  And one final one of my friend J giving her rabbit ears.  lol.

And finally, a real one of me and Sharon Gless.  Check out those ciggies in the cleavage!  lol