Passover in South Florida

AKA western Tel Aviv...

There are at least 30 cars backed up at the guard gate trying to get into my mom's friend development. Lol.

I swear some days it is like a Seinfeld episode down here.

I am still at least 10 cars from the guard.

Passover

there is an old jewish joke that makes the rounds around the internet...

Short summary of every Jewish Holiday:

"They tried to kill us, we won, let's eat. "

 

unfortunately there is a lot of truth in the "let's eat" part....tonight starts the first major jewish food holiday since i got my band and hit restriction.   i am not too worried about sitting around the table and my food choices.  my plan is to enjoy a bite of every favorite food and i will be ok.   but the preparation for this holiday has me in that psycho-babble reflective mode today...

 

as i previously blogged about i am pretty sure my food addiction and obesity is directly connected to my need for closeness with my family.    i was the one in the family who my grandmother passed down all her traditional sephardic recipes to.   most of my childhood memories of my grandmother are actually in the kitchen.  and now that she has been gone for 12 years i have firmly placed myself as the holiday cook for the family.  in fact, last year when i flew up to new jersey for passover i took sephardic food on the plane with me since i was going straight to the seder from the airport.

 

so...last week my mom called me to ask me what "we" were doing for passover.   because i don't really obsess about what i am eating each day -- not to mention "next week" -- anymore i was kind of caught off guard.  of course, the question was what was i cooking at my house when i would host the seder.  when i told her i was really not thinking about passover this year she laid on the heavy jewish mother guilt.  try growing up with a greek jewish mother  -- she has the market on guilt....but i digress.... so, after we talked she talked to her good friend whose own horrible daughter was going to her mother-in-law's the first night --with the grandchildren to boot!  so we were able to finagle an invite to first night at my mom's friend house.  and i agreed to do second night at my house just for my parents.
 
well...you would think that would have gotten me off the hook from cooking every recipe of my grandmothers.  nope.   i have been asked to bring not one, but two sephardic pies tonight.  one is a spinach and feta pie and the other is an eggplant and feta pie (my favorite).   i told my mom that tomorrow night i am not making a big brisket and the traditional spehardic meat dishes.  usually i do a brisket, a meat/matzo pie, spinach and veal patties and leek and veal patties.   this year at my house i am only doing spinach patties, potato kugel and my grandmother's red rice (sephardim eat rice on passover).   i will also throw out a can of sardines as gefilite fish is not a traditional sephardic food (but a great protein rich and band friendly food -- btw). 
 
the point of this is not to go on and on about sephardic food porn but that i realize that food really is my connection to my family.  it is my "job" in the family.   and as i previously talked about both me and my parents are starting to feel that shift take place and, at least for me, it is very scary.   i talked about this in therapy last week.   one of my tasks this week is to try to find something else that will be our connection.  one of the ideas we talked about is maybe doing a family bowling night or something.  i don't know...bowling versus food...  lol.  i just don't know.
 
the next two days should be interesting as we sit around the table as a family....
 
oh and on another note...obviously god has it in for me this year.  i took today and tomorrow off work.   after the great weather this weekend i got all my prep cooking out of the way on saturday with the hope that i could go lay out by the pool this morning while the princess was at school.  nope.  not only did it rain...we had tornadoes in the area and flooding.   so now i am stuck in the house...lol... not funny.

goal for next year's pride...

so as i have previously posted about...i tend to think in 10 pound/one month increments.  part of this obsession is to think "ok in one year i will weigh XXX and this will be different..."

so today the pride parade during my favorite part -- Dykes on Bikes -- (lesbians on motorcycles) i thought...next year i will be a skinny bitch riding on the back of some hot chick's motorcycle!  (note to self: find a hot chick with a motorcycle this year)

i am in general not a big rainbow wearing lesbian.  but today i really had a great time.  it was a little muggy here in south florida, but not too bad.   it was nice to see friends, dance to good music and watch my sweet little daughter watch her first drag show and give her first dollar to a drag queen during a performance.   mama's girl is growing up....awwww.... you can kind of see this momentous moment in the cell phone picture to the left.   the little hand with the money is the princess.  we had to have a "talk" after the show when the drag queen took the mic and started talking in her real "man" voice.   at first the princess felt deceived that the beautiful lady" was really a man... but after i explained that boys can dress up and wear wigs too she was ok and just wanted a smoothie.  lol.

on the band front i was great with my eating.  probably could have drank more water...but the bathrooms at the park we nasty and i didn't want to have to keep using them.  yuck-o.

Pride NSV

South Florida Gay Pride today. Waiting for parade. I am sitting on curb and not worried how I will get up!

Haunting Fat Past

I know the picture doesn't make sense....I am sitting in a City Commission chamber for my former employer. I left here 6 years ago and for the 3 miserable years (really) I was here the lap table attached to the seats never went down.

It is down and there is space between it and my lap! At least something positive will come out of this little trip down nightmare lane....

that body...you know the one...

so shortly after i had my surgery a friend -- we will call her Hot Mess with an emphasis on the Hot -- came out to me and told me that a couple years ago she had the gastric sleeve.   so when i mentioned that to my friend Commando, Commando said: "i can see that.  she has that post-surgery body"....  now, i can't begrudge Commando because i knew *exactly* what she was talking about.   thin on the top between the shoulders.  illusion of straight down the middle (in clothes) and then wide at the hips and tummy.  

yep.  4 months post-op i am now sporting "that body"....sigh. 

WHY?  why does this happen?   why can i now wear an XL or 2X on top (compared to 4x) but that same top is tight at my belly?   why can't the weight come off the belly at the same time.   it makes no sense to me.

i hope i do not have this affliction forever.  i mean, seriously...i am a walking, breathing queen song...

i gave in to my whim....

today was free cone day at ben and jerry's.  as a quick sidebar... i was fired from the ben and jerry's in charlotte, nc when i was in college because i kept showing up to work in birkenstocks.  go figure....anyhoo...despite my early termination i have always remained loyal to the brand.   so who am i to let a little lap-band and ice cream fatwa stand in the way of free cone day 2010?  

i had made plans for me, the princess and a couple other people to go tonight.   it was like the chubby hubby stars had aligned themselves perfectly for me...easy street parking.  no line.  they invited us to come back in for more.  but i did not do it.  i did not even have one lick of the princess' vanilla ice cream.  i did not even steal one m&m off the top.  nothing. nada.  just sat out in the sun and relaxed.

so afterwards, i decided to reward myself and go down the street  from b&js and buy myself a necklace i had seen a couple months ago when i was a on date in the same area.   kind of a whim, kind of not.  i had told myself at the time when i reached 50 pounds band loss i would get it.  but then 54 pound loss came so easily i didn't really think much about a reward.  but today i decided it was fine time for a reward...so i went and bought myself this necklace.    not sure if you see the text but it says my tagline..."just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, it became a butterfly".  i really think this is the tagline of my weight loss journey.  this metamorphosis is at time overwhelming and at other times just so much damn fun.

in other news...i think i may be losing some restriction.  if i feel hungry all day tomorrow i am going to get a fill.  i am hoping this is a just a weird fluke today. 

spring is here in south florida and i am at my peak.  i just love it.  in fact, i have scheduled myself off or half days for the next week and a half.   this weather is so good for my soul.

have a great night! 

cravings and thoughts on being sober....

last night at support group we talked about cravings. our coordinator gave us a hand-out on managing them. it is pretty typical with lap band patients that cravings come back with a vengeance by the year anniversary, according to her. being the overachiever that i am, mine came back at the start of month 4. and she says that my experience is pretty normal in that my cravings have been replaced with something else. for me, it used to be salty, crunchy food. now it is sweet, milky chocolate. as of yet, i have mostly satisfied this new craving with my EAS shakes...ok, except for the couple few times i have have stolen mini m&ms right out of the princesses grubby little hands.....


one of our past guest speakers (i think it was my current therapist) talked about how when we are craving something crunchy it could be because we are angry and the crunching is getting our anger out. i totally forget what she said craving sweets mean since at the time i thought i was a salty crunchy kind of girl. but i do think it is interesting that my cravings don't symbolize anger anymore...maybe i should stop here since i don't remember what chocolate cravings mean and i would hate for you all to think it means i am sexually repressed or something...lol....

the handout we got last night had a chart for handling cravings. for example...for salt...try eating more seaweed, black beans and vegetables. try eating less sweets, fats, alcohol, meats, grains and processed foods. instead try eating natural soy sauce, miso, herbs and spices.

i also asked the veterans last night about drinking hard liquor. i was not prepared for the sobriety that the band brought and i am ready to get back in the game. i have had wine (which i barely consider alcohol) but i miss my dark beautiful rum. my only worry has been tolerance. they said that i could knocked on my ass quicker but i should be fine. i am ready... i have an upcoming trip (princess-free) to new orleans and a party next month. so those of you who read this blog who know me in real life...look out grrls, heidi is back in action! lol. who's gonna hold my hair back?

one last thing... i have decided to tweet.  you can see a link to it up there...on the right hand side of my blog.  tweets will probably be more cynical and observationist as we go on.  some about the band but more not about the band.

it is confirmed that i am definitely an...

attention seeking Whore.  and that is a Whore with a capital W!

today was a legislative day for the government entity i work for.  i had been warned that the elected officials may have a constiuent issue i may have to address.  the meeting is over an hour away.  so as i am driving out to the meeting i have a scenario going through my head...i will be called up to the podium to "save the day" and as i turn to go back to my seat the highest elected official will lean forward and say clearly into the microphone "how much weight have you lost".  i will calmly stand at the podium, lean into the microphone and say "since i started here...115 pounds"....applause and accolades will follow.  "good job!" "keep it up!" this will all lead to the official newspaper doing and article on me.

well...let's see...the constuient was handed quickly by the elected official for that district.  i did not get called up to the podium.  and for that reason ALONE no one commented on my weight loss.   lol.  but do not think for one minute that i did not find any reason to get up and walk the loooooooooooong way around the chambers throughout the day-long meeeting.  lol.

oh well.  there is always next month.  it is not like my skinny bitch ass is going anywhere.

right now i am sitting in a starbucks killing time until support group at 7.   to think 5 months ago i would be sitting in a restaurant or bar killing time.... 

258

Officially 54 pounds at my 4 month post-op. Eleven pounds this month. I wanted 15.

Waiting to see surgeon now. In a different exam room than normal with a different scale. I am staring at the scale playing the blame game in my head. Lol.

I know, I know...I am doing great. But maybe this is my personal wakeup to start walking at night.

Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Waiting

In lobby waiting for my monthly weigh-in and checkup. They are running late. I am wondering if the nervousness of facing the scale will ever go away...butterflies in my tummy.

I think I am going to pass on a fill today. I feel pretty comfortable in the green zone.

Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

dance...dance i say.... (in the words of salt 'n pepa)

every great movement in history has had its theme song...

the Brits have God Save the Queen

the civil rights movement had We Shall Overcome

african famine relief had We Are the World

gay pride has YMCA

sports fanatics have We Are the Champions

the skinny bitches have Don't Cha (Wish Your Girlfriend Was Hot Like Me).... rise up and dance with me, skinny bitches!

about that skinny bitch.....

I have decided to not only embrace my inner skinny bitch -- but to let her out and own her.   granted i weigh over 250 pounds.  and granted, i don't even know how much i weigh for real because i have a scale-phobia...but putting that and my size 24 22 (!!!!) jeans aside for a moment.... i am one.hot.skinny.bitch.  lol

as part of being a skinny bitch i am no longer going to talk about getting the band to "be heathly" or any other bullshit.  i did it to look good and to make a lot of women eat my dust.  lol.  

i am tired of being nice and polite about this weight-loss game.  lol.   i am one.hot.skinny.bitch.  

you with me?

ok... this all came about because the other night at support group it kind of became a bitch session about the group.  and a woman who has a long journey ahead of her (and behind her) said that she struggled with all the maintenance people talking about how perfect everything is when she is struggling.   one of the most successful in my mind said: uh, no, we are just pretending everything is perfect.  we still struggle.  

so...i figured if they all can pretend they are perfect skinny bitches as they hover at their goal weight for a couple years...i can pretend i am a skinny bitch while i still lose weight.

Permission not to behave...

so today's session was the therapist i downloaded on her some of the crap i have been dealing with this week in my life.   basically i have been repeatedly put in, or put myself in, the position where i have to hold back on what i really want to say or do due to my role as a leader and i am left feeling inauthentic and having trouble coping now that i can't go home and eat a whole frozen pizza.   

so my temper tantrum at therapy (and to my dear friends in real life) was ::::stomp, stomp, stomp::::IT'S NOT FAIR!!!!:::: I want to behave like an asshole like everyone else!!!! i also wanted to run away from my responsibilities and not deal with the drama.  all or nothing, that's me baby.  

my astute therapist picked up on a couple things:

1.  if i do something, i do not participate -- i lead. 

2.  she said i use the word "behave" a lot to describe myself.  

3. i have put too much pressure on myself to be the best.

For #1 -- always a leader, never a follower -- i need to find things to participate in.  one such activity is my book clubs.  i stopped going to my "straight" book club because its once a month meeting is the same night of my weekly support group.   we agreed that it is ok for me to miss support group one monday a month (see #3) in order to do something that i enjoy and can relax at.  for my "non-straight" book club, for which i am the leader of, i need to find a way to get other people involved in the leadership.  ask others to write up the questions and lead the discussion occasionally.   of course the control freak in me is worried that if i do that it will not be perfect (see #3).  my therapist's response?  "so?  what's wrong with that?"  i guess there really is no harm in letting other people lead the discussion.  lol.  you can tell my control freak side is not so sure.  lol.

For #2 -- BEHAVE -- even after she pointed it out to me that i used the word "behave" a lot -- i said it unconsciously a couple more times in my session.   she said that this idea of behaving is dangerous for me.  because i am categorizing everything as good or bad (all or nothing, baby).  and when it comes to food that is what leads to the binging that got me to be obese.    so i need to look at my actions being what they are and not good or bad behavior.   which this is a real funny revelation to me because i do not see myself in general as a rule follower or even a conformist.  but i guess i am.  lol.

For #3 -- releasing the pressure to be perfect -- i need to make a list of pressures that are necessary and those that are not and get back to the basics.  i told her about my health.family.career mantra and she agreed that is the right direction but now i really need to implement it.  and as part of this i am not allowed take on any more leadership roles.   i need to focus on taking care of myself and not everyone else's feeling or needs.  what i still don't understand if i am really such a perfectionist (and i know i am) how on earth did i get to be obese?  i will never understand that one....

we also talked about my collage and some of the elements in it.  

all in all, a good session.   i like her.  i feel like she likes me and gets me.

wishing you a day full of protein...

a good dose of crazy....

tomorrow i return to the therapist. 

i have seen some of your comments and i want to clarify the phone call thing.   this all came up because the therapist mentioned some kind of enmeshment behavior and i related back to her the previous day when i called my parents and they were home.  so i called each of their cells, their offices (it was a sunday) and then home, cells, and offices again.   probably 10 calls.   i had no reason to reach them and pretty much concluded they were at the casino (where they were.  where they are most sundays).   the conversation was then about that not only do i have this need to know where they are at all time...they do the same to me.  trust me.  there is a problem.

i did not do the emotional eating chart.  there were times when i thought i should put something down, but then never did.  need to get better about that.

i have a bunch of blog postings ready to share with her, per her request.

and finally, after blogging the other night and realizing that i get stuck and vomit a lot when i am alone and zoning out when i eat as opposed to social eating -- i did the follow collage.   one of the things that my therapist zeroed in on was her perception that i don't like to be alone with myself.  and even the activities i gave her that i enjoy all take me outside of myself -- reading, seeing friends, road trips, etc.

we'll see what she has to say.  my friend, commando, said today i could be a shrink.  i think she is nuts and needs a shrink.  lol.

lots on my mind...

i have been pretty reflective since my visit to the mental health counselor last week.   nothing too deep....but i have allowed myself to step back and just "observe" my life and my interactions with my parents, daughter and food.   nothing earth shattering revealed.  there is definitely a problem.   but there is most likely a good solution for all involved.   right now i am still at the point that i don't want to do anything that will hurt my mom.  i know through therapy i will get past those feelings.

here are some snippets:

my mom told me that she was mentioning to someone that not only is her daughter "disappearing", she never seems me anymore because i "don't really eat much anymore".   er.  um.  houston..i think we have a problem.... lol

i have become increasingly aware, and perhaps uncomfortable, with the amount of times i call my parents a day.   and more importantly, i am realizing how much i am training the princess to do this.

step by step.  day by day.  i will worry about crossing the river when i get to it.... <--- speaking of those mantras....i forgot to mention last week that i talked to the therapist last week about being overwhelmed with the idea of not knowing what i will look like as i continue to lose since i have not been this low in my adult life.   she had the best response... i don't need to worry about that since it really is gradual and continual.  duh.

which brings me to this mind-blowing news... i jumped on my parents WiiFit this weekend.  this is the scale that is exactly the same as my surgeon's -- where i do my once a month official (and sometimes only) weigh-in.   as of yesterday i weight 258.  WTF?   when you weigh 373...when you weigh 312....when you weigh 299.... someone in the 250s sounds soooooooooooooooooooo much less and sooooooooooooooooo skinny.    my official monthly check-in is next monday but since i have to travel that day for work and won't be able to go i am going to try to get in this week sometime.

which brings me to...restriction... still have it, and i have to say that i am still SURPRISED every morning when i think i am hungry before i start and lo and behold i am feeling good with just a shake.   i do feel it starting to wear off a little.   i am able to get in a little more food but not that much.  i am not sure if i need a fill yet or not.  i think the idea of being "in the green" and in the 250s is just so foreign to me i don't know what to think...lol...

last week i was finding that i was mindlessly eating at dinner and getting stuck.  3 vomits, in fact.  it was a busy week and lots of road time so i found myself just wanting to zone out and watch tv.   and all the vomits happened on TV nights.   lesson learned (maybe).

this weekend i ate pretty much every lunch and dinner out.  i had not problems with getting stuck or even pressure in my chest.  i find it interesting to observe that i am better at monitoring my intake when i am in public with people.    i also have soooooooooooo many leftovers for the week.  yay!  lots of diversity and i won't just go to the safe stand-bys of cottage cheese or fish.

on saturday the princess and i did a charity walk with our dog and a group from my wls support group.  it was a little over a mile and we had fun.  you can see by the picture that my dog likes to stay anonymous on the internet.   

afterwards the princess, dog and i went to my favorite "eat-outside" restarurant in the gay ghetto.   while sipping my red-pepper gouda soup i easedropped on the two women at the next table.   one was going on and on about going to "women's night" at a local gay bar and how all the women were either super-butch (manly in straight terms) or "50 pounds overweight".   so now knowing and accepting that many people should really weigh 140 and that is not a sign of anerexia (lol) "50 pounds overweight" to this skinny bitch (not the good kind of skinny bitch that i am) is still under 200.   damn.  that pissed me off.   so when she started making goo-goo eyes at my dog i pretended not to hear her.  mature, i know.  but i was just so let down by the image obesssed gay community i live in down here.  

in addition to the group walk, i took my parents dogs to the dog park yesterday and borrowed my mom's bike (a grandma 3-wheeler that i secret covet) and rode with the princess for a while.   just don't tell me i exercised and we will be ok.  lol. 

tonight is support group.  i think it is the mental health counselor that checks in with us once a month.   more later...

Are all losses to be celebrated?

I think not.

This has been a busy week on the road. My eyes kept get distracted in the rear view mirror by a "hair" on my face.

It is not a hair it is a line/wrinkle/crease (!!!!!!!) that has appeared on my face! It is always there. Not just when I frown or smile - all.the.time! I am assuming this is a result of my face thinning out.

Time to go the way of the real housewives....

that emptiness inside.

so….today i met with the mental health counselor to start exploring why i am obese and how i am going to stop being obese both physically and mentally. it comes down to this…it is my parents’ fault. lol.

official diagnosis:  i was/am an overindulged spoiled brat. and as a result my identity has become enmeshed with my parents. i am most likely to some degree a narcissist.

here is how we got there…i started talking about my life. i explained that i have no abuse in my past. we talked about my history of weight loss struggle and obesity. she began to identify a “hole” or “emptiness” that i was trying to fill with food pretty much my whole adult life. and she zeroed in on what was already suggested to me…that food is my relationship and link back to acceptance in my family.

but as we talked some more she started to extract how much i really am enmeshed with my parents. (she used “enmeshed” as a clinical term throughout our session)

she also started to identify that i am pretty good at avoiding spending time inside myself (commando and junior – focus…don’t let your mind wander there….). she asked me what kind of activities i enjoyed… i mentioned reading, hanging out, etc. everything i mentioned apparently is “external” and does not involved facing myself. well, except blogging.

she thinks there is more that we need to explore with this “emptiness” and gave me some tools to start to identify them. i narrowed down the “worst” time for me is at night after the princess has gone to bed. i am supposed to keep a grazing/emotional eating log. when i want to eat outside of meal time i am supposed to log the following:

1. time/place/feeling

2. what is going on – ie. the precipitating event

3. i am supposed to wait 20 minutes and log what i do during that time and how i feel – ie. anxious, mad, bored, etc. here is when i should take out a special glass and drink a non-caloric drink.

4. do i still want to eat – yes or no? if yes, what am i feeling? if no, why not?

5. what did i eat?

the goal with this exercise is to eventually identify the “precipitating event” that leads to my grazing/binging.

the next tool i am supposed to start doing making a “feelings collage”. she has asked me to go get some magazines and when i am feeling empty or bored i need to start cutting out things and make a collage. i like to scrapbook and i love art and sayings, so i think i can have fun with this. she said that it is not only a tool for us to explore my thoughts, but it is a good activity to get me doing something with my hands (instead of shoving food in my mouth) and for me to start spending more time inside myself. ( seriously, junior and commando, must you go there?)

she also asked me, as long as i felt like sharing, to bring in snippets from my blog. of course the smart ass in me who wants to avoid dealing with shit is thinking of printing out the mindless posts about my boobs and poop. lol

and my final assignment for the week is to keep track of examples of where i am seeking approval or obsessive contact from my parents or other enmeshment incidents.

i have to tell you that this enmeshment stuff is weighing heavy in my heart. i know that i am not going to totally cut my parents out of my life, but she is suggesting that i need to find ways to shift away a little in order to identify myself as i go through this weight loss journey since it seems that my weight is part of my familial identity. but for me…right now…i feel like i just found out that my parents are not really my parents. what i am trying to say is, i am scared shitless to really step back and look at my relationship with my parents and shatter the perfect world i may have created in my head and begin to deal with the imperfect world inside my mind. sigh.

of course we also talked about my daughter and how i am most likely repeating this pattern with her…as my grandmother did with my mom and my mom did with me. she feels it is the right time to change the course of history. last night i admitted to my close friend that late at night i find myself not only watching the princess sleep, but her whole life i have been taking pictures of her sleeping. it is a way for me to capture the “realness” of her. it is hard to explain. but my counselor today got it and told me that i need to stop it immediately. sigh.

so, the synopsis is…i was raised by an enabling obsessive mother to be a narcissistic woman with no sense of myself who was raised herself by an enabling obsessive mother…and i am nothing but an enabling obsessive mother who has no independent identity and avoids herself by eating. and we were/are all fat. lol.

catching up on the rest of the day….

this morning i posted about my tightness. karma bit me on the ass – big time. my staff was in town today and they were so fucking annoying and ornery. don’t keep coming into my office (while i am trying to calmly eat lunch) and argue against doing what i asked you to do two weeks ago. long story short…i finally slimed/vomited at work. and today was the day. i could not keep anything down and it was a constant running back and forth to the bathroom all day. i am kind of pissed. but whatever. i had a hot drink tonight after support group and hopefully that has opened me up for tomorrow.

and of course, to add to my stress…i was left without childcare tonight. i refuse to miss support group…so the princess went along with me. i have to give that kid credit…she was an angel for the entire hour and half we were there. quiet. did her homework and read her books. such a sweetie.

support group was great. we all checked in on where we were in our zones. a lot of good information came out. did you know that we should avoid microwaving our leftovers because it dries them out – which leads to getting stuck? i did not realize that. i felt so honored – two different people reference something i had shared at past meetings while they were checking in. it is nice to feel like you are contributing to the success of others.

this post is ridiculously long, and i am exhausted. sweet and protein filled dreams to each and every one of you….

life in the tight lane...

sorry to sound like a broken record, but i am really trying to take advantage of reaching good restriction and entering the second phase of band life (between month 3 and 4).  i want this to be a time of accelerated weight loss.  

i am definitely one of those SKINNY bitches who can only get liquid down in the morning right now.  i am making sure that it is a high protein shake, even if it takes me an hour.    lunch is also high-protein and brought from home.   i am not going out to eat anymore at work unless i "have" to.  i am having no problem controlling my portions and listening to my body lately...it is the leftovers.  i take them home and find myself having 3 dinners spread over 4 hours.   not good.  so no more leftovers.   i am trying to maintain one dinner, high protein, by 7PM and that is it for the night.   otherwise it is binging/grazing/PBing/vomiting.  not good.

one minor change i have made at work is that i am no longer keeping my lunchbag on my desk throughout the day.  i caught myself grazing early last week.  now the bag goes out in the main part of the department in our refrigerator.  so far that is working.  however, if i find myself still grazing the bag is going downstairs to the break room for the whole building.

i am seeing the eating disorder counselor today.  first visit.  trying to talk myself into "dealing" with this...

and then support group.  yay...