random thoughts..............

• i am so over the cold.  today it will at least stay in the 60s.   but i really need the 70s to exist comfortably.  i am a florida girl living in a florida home.

• i am already packed for the Florida BOOBS get together in Orlando this weekend.   you *think* i am excited?  but honestly, i am not sure if it is for the BOOBS or a trip to disney sans a child.

• i hate the blogger "bullet point" formatting.

• i have two dogs up for adoption. lol.   one chihuahua and one cocker spaniel.   they are both free to go and find a new family to abuse unless one of them fesses up and admits to PEEING IN MY BED this morning.  

• which brings me to this.... i am now washing my thick, comfy feather bed mattress cover in a bathtub because it is so thick and comfy it does not fit into my washer.  not happy.  but at least i do not need to weight train today.

• when i saw this picture AND headline on my homepage this morning....my first thought was "mmmmmmmmmm.  must have guacamole today". 

Happy UnBandiversary to Me!

that's right....i am un-celebrating my "band"iversary....because, really, it fucked me up royally.   i have been feeling *stuck* the last couple months.   stuck on the scale, stuck emotionally, stuck on this so-called journey.    the only thing that has not been stuck is what i am figuring out to slide down my band, lol. 

so today at therapy i was processing this feeling of being stuck in life and having the obligatory "what if i never lose anymore weight" coupled with a few "i don't even know who i am anymore" meltdown when we finally figured out that this angst is all stemming from some strange association i have in my mind with november 9th being my "one year bandiversary" and somehow that signifies that i should be at goal.   which, i know, is totally impossible since i needed to lose at least 150 pounds on surgery day.  but this irrational association has caused me to subconsciously call up some old thoughts and behaviors.   and these thoughts and behaviors have resulted in nothing less than self-sabotage.   see...heidi, you failed.  you fucking failed and now i am going to make sure of it.

the fact is:  i need to undo november 9, 2010 and assign new meaning to it.   i am going to work this week on a list of all that i *did* accomplish in a year....and recognize that my goal weight was never a realistic accomplishment.  

i also need to continue to treat my weight loss and this journey as a path of recovery from addiction....which i have not since november 9th.   i have been emotionally flailing around and unsteady.  and really, what addict to drugs makes it to one year of sobriety and stops talking to their sponsor, going to meetings, etc????   who wakes up on their one year anniversary from any recovery and says "i've been healed!"....duh, heidi.  (ps.  i think one sign of not achieving recovery is that you can not spell sobriety without spellcheck...)

my accountability to my "sobriety" has been my monthly surgeon appointments, support group and therapy.   at my november 9th appointment my surgeon gave *me* the option to keep coming back monthly, go to every 3 months or just come in when i want.   i thought i was in a good place and thought i would come back every 3 months.   but today i realized that i need that monthly accountability.  i am not healed from a lifetime of emotional eating and obesity.   and that monthly appointment keeps this in the forefront. i am not done.  i am nowhere near "done" and this obesity and all the underlying issues associated with it will not just go away because the night turned into day.  

my attendance at support group has sucked and that really has been out of my control.    well...mostly out of my control.  next week i will assert some control and *choose* not to go to my straight book club and instead to support group.   even though next week's leader bugs me.  lol.    after that, until the end of march, i will be taking a class on support group night.  i need to take this class and i am choosing to do it now.   i am hoping the gods will look upon me favorably and open up a seat in the thursday night class between now and january 10th.   but if not, i am hoping the new social network will serve some support purpose for me.  also, today i got a text from a woman at group.  that made me think....i need to be better at making personal connections with people at group and accepting their personal connections. 

so...happy unBandiversary to me........

9 months in the making....

so...back in march when i started therapy one of the biggest issues identified was my enmeshment with my parents.   it was a scary realization at the time....not just because it was maddening to find out what my underlying "issue" was -- but also because i did not want to hurt my parents.   fortunately, through my wise therapist, i was able to spend the last 9 months addressing and identifying the issue in an appropriate place (her office) without having to have some kind of knock down, drag out confrontation with my parents.    because, now they don't just have a relationship with me...there is also my daughter.  their only granddaughter.   and i value the importance of that relationship and would not want to hurt that.

so very quietly the last 9 months i have worked on distancing myself both physically and internally from my parents in my quest to not only lose weight, but also get mentally healthy.   i went from someone who socialized all the time with my parents to someone who only saw them for special occasions or to bring the princess to them for a visit.  very different for me.   these new behaviors were something i needed to force out of myself initially, but now are almost second nature.    i can now leave the house in the morning without calling my mom, etc.

this distance has become so second nature to me, that a couple weeks ago i was un-nerving myself because i found that instead of going to a party and getting drunk i *wanted* to meet my parents for dinner first and just swing by the party.    of course, i made sure to bring this up in therapy because i thought i had some major processing to do..... much to my surprise my therapist lit up and said "wonderful!  that is what you are supposed to do".  huh?  i thought i had enmeshment issues???   "you do.   but you have gone from being with your parents all the time because you did not know any other different behavior to appropriately seeking out time to be with your parents".  ooooooooohhhhhhh.

so then, i decided to stop squashing an urge i have had to ask my parents to go on an RV trip.  this is something we used to do *all* the time.  especially before the princess.  just jump in their RV and GO.   so, i asked.   they hemmed and hawed and agreed.   so now i am writing this from the co-captain seat in their RV as we drive north to St. Augustine.   I am soooooooooooooooooooo excited.  i have missed spending special moments with them.  but i feel so much better now sitting here.  i am here because i *want* to be here.  i am here with my boundaries set.  i am here to enjoy and not merely exist.

food, food, food.

yesterday i only ate the chilli, cheese and crackers for lunch and then the salmon salad and cheese crisps for dinner.  i snacked on the cheese cubes during the day.   ok...so two small italian pastries found their way to my mouth as well if you must know *everything*, lol.   i don't even LIKE sweets that much.  then i went to support group and it was a good demo.  they made crab stuffed mushrooms and zucchini crust pizza.    the mushroom filled me up so i did not try the pizza.   here is something new, for me at least....instead of bread crumbs ground up salted roasted pumpkin seeds and use them as bread crumbs!  who knew?

so....today i still have the egg salad and turkey/laughing cow roll ups.   because i obviously live in fear of not having enough food around me (hello, food issues), i also brought in some cottage cheese and lobster bisque and cheese crisps.   these are not the gluten free cheese crisps so i am taking a 14 gram carb hit with them. 

so far today, i am working on getting an EAS shake down.  less protein than my homemade shakes but it is going down slow.  so i know i have restriction.  self control?  that is another issue.  lol.

i am at work today....but obviously i am very unproductive.  it is too quiet around here this time of year.  i will be leaving early to go work on scouting out a location for the princess' 6th (!!!!!!) birthday party in february.  and then i am going to a winter solstice celebration.  should be interesting as this one is more ritual based than "let's get drunk and party" based.     i am bringing the rest of the tray of italian pastries that were delivered to my office yesterday.  yes, i am re-gifting a dessert platter.  what-evah.  lol. 

making it happen....

so.... i have been whining a lot lately.  more to myself than anyone else.  i want to meet more/new people.  not sure "who" these people are and what category of my life they would fit...gay/mom/weight loss/professional/whatever.  

but i did realize that after having dinner with Electric Band Stephanie the other night and meeting a woman through a dating site that just had surgery that i kind of like having WLS friends.   i am not sure why.  but i do.

so....outside of support group how does one go about making real life WLS friends?   well...i will tell you what i did... i started a group on meetup.com.  actually, i played around with the idea all day today and then i saw my bariatric coordinator/surgeon's wife and she was totally all over the idea.  then i talked to some women at support group tonight and they thought it was a great idea and they would join .... so lo and behold... the South Florida Weight Loss Surgery Social Network was born.... as i sit here in my dark home office in my fuzzy paul frank monkey pajamas (size L) i feel a little mark zuckerberg....lol...kidding.   but if you know of anyone in south florida who had surgery...please share with them this link: http://www.meetup.com/sflwls/

wish me luck....

random and scattered monday thoughts....

i can honestly say today that i have good alignment with my personal mirror of distortion vs. mirror of reality.   without looking at a picture i see a thinner me in the mirror and even when i look down at my body.   i think this is extremely important to me....because when i feel "fat" i act "fat".  i eat "fat".  i dress "fat".  i think "fat".   today, i hope to go into this new year acting, eating, dressing and thinking thin.  

speaking of dressing fat.... i fucking love jeggings.  OMG.   what a great fashion item for me to find at this point in my weight loss journey.  jeggings, of which i own 3 pairs, allow my to show off all my deliciousness appropriately.   it is the skinny jeans 2.0 for girls, like me, who have stomach apron disproportionately larger than the rest of your body.  i can have "skinny" legs.  even tuck my pants into boots without baggy knees poking out -- yet the waistband gives me the comfort and support at my waist.

i feel very prepared with my food today on one hand.   but feel a little binge-y on the other hand.  i have my lunch bag packed with good foods.   including:

• my salmon salad -- made with light mayo, goat cheese and a couple olive slices --about 1/2 cup -- 16 grams protein
• 2 cheese crisps to have with salmon salad-- wheat free crackers -- 4grams protein, 2 carbs.
• homemade brisket chilli (my protein calculation is 20gram protein) with 1/4 cup of cheese (2 carbs/7 protein -- and 9grams fat!!!!) and 5 saltine crackers (11 carbs/1gram protein)
• two turkey/laughing cow -- the chipolte flavor YUM -- roll ups (turkey: 1 carb/4 protein...cheese: 2 carbs / 6 protein)
• homemade egg salad (eggs: 2 carbs/12 priotein...mayo: 1 carb)
• 1oz cubed cheese (8 grams protein -- 9 grams fat!!!)

i started the day off with a bariatric advantage banana shake with a tbsp of peanut butter -- 30 grams of protein.  it is 11:30 and i have only the shake and 40oz of water (with crystal light tea).  i am not really hungry or anything yet.

i know this look likes a lot of food. and it is. but i am also staying down by my office to go straight to support group tonight since the princess is "on vacation" at my mom's. so it is also dinner.  but there is also a lot of fat.  ugh.  cheese.  cheese has been haunting me this whole journey.  i know deep in my heart i need to scale back on the cheese if i want to see this last 30-40 pounds gone. 


so, like i said it *is* a lot of food and i am honestly walking a thin line today between being prepared and bingeing.   recognizing this, first thing i did this morning was put my lunch bag in the employee breakroom downstairs so it is not sitting on my desk or in the refrigerator in my department.   i plan to have the chilli, cheese and crackers for lunch.

speaking of support group....tonight is supposed to be a cooking demonstration.  should be fun.  i feel sooooooooooooo out of the support group loop. i used to go religiously every monday since the week after my surgery.   it just seems like since september it has been one thing or another and i have not made it there except once or twice.... and now, after tonight i will not be able to attend until april.  i am really really really freaked out by this.   but i am planning on taking an important class on monday nights through march 28th.  i am really trying to get into the already full thursday night class.  but if not i am going to have to suck it up and miss support group.  this class is just as important to my future and soul as group is....but.... i have always been a firm believer that my personal success is directly tied to the trifecta i have created for myself: support group, blogging and therapy.  i am going to have to lean on blogging and therapy more and more.  the good thing is that i will continue working out with two other women from support group most weeks twice a week.  so that keeps a connection for me and really the conversations and support we give each other is more valuable sometimes to listening to people sabotage themselves at support group. 

did i mention how excited i am for the lapband disney trip on january 2nd?????  lol.  i.am.excited.

Florida BOOBS!

Friday night I finally met Stephanie of the Electric LapBand.   We met up for dinner and had a great time talking.   Turns out that we went to the same middle and elementary schools and rival high schools.   small world, huh?

Speaking of Small World...WE ARE GOING TO DISNEY WORLD! (see how i did that? lol)  

That's right, ladies...you too can have your picture taken with Heidi and Stephanie! And Babbling Amy too. and Maria too. And hopefully more Florida BOOBS.


Mark your calendars.... Sunday January 2nd -- EPCOT.    Plan to meet towards the left of the entrance turnstiles between 8:30 and 8:45AM.   If you are coming later...let me know via the blog and I will send you my cell to contact us by.

I, personally, am SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO excited!    Spending time with adults at Disney is something I rarely get to do -- even though we go almost once a month.  And to be with Lapband friends will be very cool.  

I hope those we can, will!

PSA: Save a Carb...Ride a Protein...

ok...so....i have been reading blogs here and there the past couple days and i keep wanting to make the same comment/friendly nudge but i don't want to be a pain in the ass on a bunch of blogs....so, i will do it here.   and really, more to nudge myself than anything else....because i too am getting too comfortable with eating "normal"....

i read a lot of blogs where people feel "prepared" for the day with their food...but their menus include nutritional bars, salads, carrots, etc.   very little proteins are being listed.   and i know that the specific nutritional bar being listed is a "high protein" bar.  but it also has 30grams or so of carbs! 

my surgeon's office preaches the following:

always go for full protein first.   then a protein shake. and then worst case scenario a protein bar.   and that worst case scenario is because of the carbs.

we are taught to have a minimum of 70grams of protein a day.   and limit ourselves to 30 -40 carbs a day.

whole foods are preferred over processed foods.

good go-to high protein/low carb items are: cottage cheese, greek yogurt, tuna, hard boiled egg, a slice of deli meat rolled up with cheese (i do a slice of turkey with a half of laughing cow cheese -- you wouldn't believe how filling that is for a "mindless" snack).   cheese is always a debate at support group.  i say a cheese stick can keep me away from the snack machine.  so i will go for it and sacrifice the fat content.

i do not want to sound preachy.  i just see a lot of frustration with stalled or slow weight loss and a lot of menus with very little protein...so i thought i would point it out.

yana asked me once to share a menu.  i always try to plan my full menu out the day before.  i travel in my car a lot for work.  for years i used this as my excuse not to follow weight watchers.    now i bring my lunch almost everywhere with me.   no one seems to mind....fancy that!  lol.....

this is what i hope tomorrow will look like....as long as i stay away from the cookies i baked for the office....

breakfast: protein shake with a teaspoon of peanut butter -- 30 grams protein.

morning snack:  cheese stick 7 grams protein

lunch: canned salmon mixed up with light mayo, goat or feta cheese and a couple sliced olives 16 grams of protein

afternoon snack:  (will not be eating dinner until 9ish) 1/2 cup cottage cheese.  i like california style -- it is thicker and more filling to me.  15 grams protein

dinner:  i am having dinner with Electric Stephanie M. (!!!!).  we are going to a restaurant called Stir Crazy.  i have checked out their menu since i was only there once, and i think i am going to get the Wok Seared Tuna Sashimi this time.  last time i got an ahi tuna on a fried wonton tower and ate one of the 3 wonton crisps it came with.   i will guess i will get in 2-3 ounces of tuna so that will be 14-21 grams of protein.

i personally need to work on getting all my liquids in during the day.  i have been slacking. and coincidentally getting stuck a lot lately.   lube the tube, heidi.  lube the tube.  <---- that is also something else my surgeon's office likes to say....lol....


.

time for some kind of change...

i am in a funk.   not a depression funk.  (i did all my routine self checks for that).  this funk is more global.   it is a lack of fulfillment in my soul.   i was supposed to see my therapist today for my regular appointment but she is sick so i won't see her until thursday.    i was hoping i would go in today and she would say "pish posh, what you are experiencing is right on target for someone 13 months and 4 days out of surgery".   lol.

i have a feeling of emptiness inside.  a feeling of discontentment.   a feeling of unrest.   not sure if any of these words properlyy describe what i feel, but it is the closest i can come to describing what i feel.   all i know is i want change.    global change.   the problem is, i can not pinpoint where this change needs to come from.   and because i am a go-getter, a do-er, a make-it-happen-er....that is driving me crazy.   

i have this strong desire to leave.  move.  startover.  my life here was fine for someone who what dying on the inside both physically because of the weight and emotionally (because of the weight).   i think it is very cavalier to say that *I* (generic/collective *I*) will be the same person after *I* lose weight.   now that i am on the home stretch, i can tell you i am not sure if i am the same person. 

same ol, same ol is not good enough anymore.    status quo freaks me out.   discontent comes to mind, again.   i need....something....i just don't know what.   a career change?  perhaps.  i have put my resume out there for a couple specific "dream jobs" that have come open in my current field.  but i wonder sometimes if this is the wrong field for me.  i always wanted to be a librarian.  but it is more than that now.  i want to help people.   i have to be a change igniter in others.    a location change?  i don't know.  this one is harder.   on one side of the proverbial piece of paper i have a desire to move.   go somewhere with more culture.  a little smaller.   more liberal.  more something.   on the other side of that sheet of paper is living in close proximity to my parents and the welfare of my daughter growing up close to them.    a social change?  perhaps.  i know that some of my real life friends can read this. but i need to put this out there....the truth is, i am just not satisfied socially anymore.   i don't mean that there are not enough opportunities for me to dance on a bar.  it is something else.   my soul is not getting nourished socially anymore.  i want more.  but more of what?  i don't know.   it is not good enough for me right now for someone to be "present" or "not ______"....i am looking at them, searching for what they are.  i want more out of everyone and i know that is not a realistic expectation.   familiarity is no longer comfortable and satisfying for me.   i am a true virgo.  i rather have one true close friend than know everyone at a party.  

a big part of my therapy work this past year has been getting me to live outside my comfort zone.   because as My Therapist astutely pointed out in the beginning...where did that comfort zone get ya?   373 is my answer.   so whenever i found myself wailing "this feels so uncomfortable to me" she would push me to stay there and work from that point.   i think i have done a phenomenal job of that so far.   now i can identify being outside my comfort zone when it happens and i can personally push myself to stay there.    so....i know a lot of what i am feeling right now is uncomfortable and that is why i am trying to identify where it is coming from so i can deal with it.  i just don't know.

i know what i have written thus far sounds emotional....but i am not sad.  i am eager.  i am expectant.  i am waiting with baited breath for whatever this next change is going to be.....i just wish i knew where the change was coming from.

i am torn at times about my spot here when it relates back to weight loss.  on one hand, i am an attention seeking whore and i enjoy the compliments to when people notice the change in my physical self.   but on the other hand....and this other hand is getting stronger and stronger every day...i want to move on from my former fat self and want others to do so too.   i don't want to arrive somewhere and have people comment on my physical appearance  -- i notice they do not say that to anyone else.   ask me about the book i just read -- i am dying to talk about it with someone.   ask me what i think of Obama.   i have a lot of opinions on him.   ask me what the best way to hard boil an egg.   i love to cook.   i have worked my ass off this past year to shed not only physical pounds but also the mental pounds to longer see myself as content as fat.  i think all this hard word deserves to be recognized by not being treated like the "fat friend".   i don't want for friends to think it is "ok" to talk about how much weight i have lost to people who did not know me "when".   it is my past.   my personal past.  and i would like to gain some control in who has access to that past.   and sometimes i think the only way to gain control is to run away.  start over.   cut ties.    i am just not sure if it means small adjustments to my existing daily life here or a fresh start somewhere else.

i am bored with my life here.  not sure if it is boredom or if it is something more.   it could be that the life i have made for myself no longer serves the same purpose for me. in fact, i think that is the answer my therapist is going to give me.   and that freaks me out a little.   what if my life, the one i have made for myself to be comfortable in, is not mine afterall?  

and it is that last line that brings me back to how i feel....empty.  discontent.  unrest.  unsatisfied. uncomfortable.  

bench of reality....

i have blogged before about the "mirror of reality vs mirror of distortion".... this is my personal affliction that i still see my old self in the mirror and do not see what others see (reality) until i see a picture of myself.  until i am removed from the moment and reflecting back on it.

last night i was at a party that i frequent for parties.   i sat my sober (i swear i am going to lose these next 20 fast --- even if it means being sober) ass down on a bench.  ok.  so it is not a bench.  it is a plank of wood held up by two upside down 5-gallon buckets.   but it is the best seat in the house.  right by the door so you can see who shows up together and who sneaks off upstairs together.    while taking a picture with my friend, let's call her Kudy, last night it occurred to us two things...1.  Kudy and I sure do like to monopolize the bench and 2. my weight loss can be serialized through pictures of me and Kudy on this bench.

here is the bench of reality...

October 31, 2009 (Kudy was taking the picture)

Again, October 31, 2009 (Kudy still behind the camera)

April 17, 2010 -- Me and Kudy on the bench.  (it was a gender bending dress-up party.  she does not usually let her facial hair get so dark --lol)

April 17, 2010 -- earlier in the night in full costume.

June 19, 2010.   Kudy decided it was more important to visit family in the Midwest than sit on a bench with me.

                                                  December 11, 2010

one more time...

lest i get to full of myself here... i did get bitch slapped by a fat girl last night.   ok.  so i am bitter... she is someone i went on a couple dates with in the summer of 09.  then freaked out and disappeared.  i heard she was dating men after that.  and now she is back.  whatever.   so.... she was drunk last night and came over to talk.   and a real beanpole skinny friend walked by and she drunkenly leans into me and says: "you know what heidi, it doesn't matter how much weight we lose, we will never be that skinny."   fuck you, you fat stupid bitch.  i know she was drunk and trying to be friendly....but seriously?  you are going to try to bond with me over the fat thing?  first off, what is this "we" shit?  second off...i will...as far as i am concerned....i will be that skinny.  i was kind of pissed.  how dare she come over and bring her bad mojo to "my bench"... so i just smiled and told her that i planned to be that skinny after all my plastic surgery and that i am going to be Barbie.   then Kudy, M and I went back to our bench sitting and talked about working out while she just stood there.   like i said i am bitter.  i am over being a fat friend (that blog post has been swirling around in my head for months....).   there is so much more that i can on about...ugh.  but i just want to release it....but let me just say this....oh nevermind....stay tuned....lol.... because yeah...i hate lesbian drama, but i have a card was placed in my back pocket waiting to be played...

weird.

while nothing traumatic happened today....i feel like, as i sit here quietly reflecting on the day, that it was a roller coaster of ups and downs.   

the morning started out with a mammogram.  a couple weeks ago i felt something in my left breast.   my nurse practitioner at the obgyn felt it at my annual exam the same week and thought it could just be dense breast tissue but sent me for a mammo anyways.   i found myself all morning chanting in my head: "i can not die.  i am my daughter's only real parent.   i can not die.  i am a mom".   i am not sure who i was chanting to.   God.  a Higher Power.  Myself.   The Wind.  i am not sure.   but i emotionally exhausted myself.    my mammo was negative and there were no concerns.  i am good to go for another year.   it was not until later when i read the report that i actually laughed.  it says: "There has been interval decrease in size of the breasts compatible with interval weight loss".  LOL.  there was not conversations about me losing weight.  there was no scale.  i guess the two deflated water balloons at my waistband gave it all away!!!   as i told a friend today....should the need arise, i could tuck my boobs into my pants if needed.   seriously.  it is a good thing i can now tuck in my shirts and wear a good belt.   because now i have something to tuck in,  my boobs.  lol.

after the mammo i went to the mall.  i had a 40% off coupon and wanted to get a jacket at the Gap.  i didn't get it.   i didn't get anything.  everything looked sloppy on me.   it was weird.  not to buy anything because the larges were sloppy on me.   i was bummed.  but i wasn't.  just a weird feeling.

next stop was my department's holiday party.   i am a department director and we were sharing our party with three other departments.   the luncheon was at the Improv.    as department director i had to put on my hostess face and mingle with everyone.   i actually enjoyed that part as i have career threads back to the other three departments and it was just great seeing former employees and co-workers i never get to see anymore.   due to the nature of these departments most are men.   good ole boy blue collar men.  i love them.    they were cute.   most have not seen me for a while so there were lots of kisses and hugs and quite a few "ma'am, is it ok if i tell you that you are looking great?".   so cute.    in general terms, i can say that the women fell into three categories.... the fat ones avoided me.   the thin ones were all over me.   and the third category i will address separately below as it is one specific person.    but back to the first two categories... first i HATE that i am now the person who could possibly make an overweight person feel bad.  really.  because for my whole life i was on the other end.   but one of the thin ones said something that gave me pause for thought....we had greeted each other when she arrived.  and later when we were all eating she got up and came across the room and whispered to me: "i don't know if you get tired of heating this but i just want you to know that you really are looking great."   and i told her "thank you.  and no, i don't get tired of hearing it".   i know i sound so fucking full of myself here.   but in that moment i made a commitment to myself to embrace the attention.  enjoy it.   i deserve it.  it makes me feel good.  and it is about damn time i feel good about myself.   

so...the specific woman that has sent me to my blog this evening is the woman who talked me into not only having the surgery but directed me use my surgeon.   she is the woman that saved my life.   she is not only an employee but also a constituent for the government i work for.   in the summer of 2009 i ran into her at a council meeting and complimented her on her weight loss.   it was during a lunch break from the meeting and she told me to grab my lunch from the line and go sit in the hall with her.   and sitting there in the hall she told me she had surgery.   i told her how i looked into surgery before and was not sure if it was for me.  she told me to do it.  just like that.  she told me she did because her son wanted to do it and she was scared of him dying.  they did it together to save their lives together.   she told me to call my surgeon.  to use her name.   i don't know why, but i listened to her after avoiding this surgery for 4 years.  she is the woman who saved my life.     i have told her this many times over the last year.   the last time i saw her (a couple months ago) she told me she gained 40 pounds.   i didn't think she looked like it then.  today, i noticed the gain.  it is so much more.   i am sad.  i am scared.  i know.  i know.  i know just because she has gained weight does not mean i will.   but....sigh.  what a fucking mindfuck.   seeing her today.   nevermind, the uncomfortable greeting between us.   how i felt her eyes on me the whole time i was working the room.    the little voice in my head has already told me that i should go out to her community in the next couple weeks and visit with her and give her the strength that she gave me.    i owe that much to the woman who saved my life.  

i have to interject here that i am also happy that my holiday season obligations are now over.  hannukah has passed.  i have hosted three parties in my home.  hosted my work party.   and i am done.   done.  done with the socializing.  done with the food.  just done to enjoy the next couple weeks without many obligations.

tonight i ended up back at the mall.   the princess wanted to go to Stir Crazy and make her own dinner and i was in the mood for ahi tuna anyways.   then we went to old navy.   i got a couple sweaters.   then i bought myself faux uggs at Skechers.   i am still not sure why i did that.  they were only $30.   and they are kind of cute.  but i am 38 years old and live in florida.  lol.    the princess walked off with a new sweater and a pillow pet (unicorn to go with her panda). 

speaking of dinner... i have some crazy restriction going on right now.  not sure if it is from some work stress or the cold weather but i am tight.  not too tight but very much at a sweet spot and aware of the band doing its job. 

just a weird day.  like i said, nothing traumatic or crazy....just a lot of swings in my emotions.   like at times the weight loss is so dominant in my experience and at other times it is so far removed from what i am feeling.  

From Mama Cass to Streisand....

so....um.....well....ugh....  yeah.... so....a couple years ago a couple of the young men at work who i have always been a mentor to came to me to complain about their new boss.    their boss was my equal.   i was very sympathetic to them as i already had pegged this guy for a shitty team-member.   so i gave the guys some tools and suggestions on how to navigate this guy while we figured out a longterm solution.  at the end of the conversation i could tell they wanted to tell me "something else".    i figured it was a question of corruption or something like that.   so i dragged it out of the guys as we had all survived a previous corrupt boss together.    well....nope...with much shame in their eyes i was told that this new guy walked around their department and talked about me all the time and in his short time with us had already given me a nickname... Mama Cass.  granted, in retrospect, i did weigh at least 373 pounds and had a propensity to wear bright colored flowy clothes.   and at the time i just acted tough and told the guys some insult about the other guy.  but it hurt.  it hurt real bad.  he was actually fired within months for "performance" issues...but the comment stuck.  i was embarrassed.  embarrassed because i was told by these young guys who i was so proud of being their "work mama" and i did not want them to know me as "Mama Cass".

fast forward to the last couple weeks... i have had more than one person come up to me and tell me that i look like barbra streisand.   papa, can you hear me?  sorry...i digress.... actually more along the lines of barbra ala funny girl.  most of these comments are from folks at work.   i have always had a big nose.  and if you are being compared to barbra it is not for your ears....let's be honest...   being a greek jew (on the same side) the cards have always been stacked against me...lol....but i think my former moon shaped face and full cheeks held my nose at a different proportion.   as my face has elongated and thinned out my nose has taken a more prominent position.  i am very aware of this when i really look at my face in the mirror.

while i would prefer to hear that i look like me, heidi, at this point in my journey as i struggle to adapt to my new body and image....i guess if people want to compare me to a notoriously skinny successful woman...i'll take it.

not hungry...

i have no appetite.   well.  that is a lie.  i have no real appetite for real food like protein.  i have no problem eating when it comes to chocolate covered mickey pretzels, though. 

beginning last night and through tuesday night i am hosting 4 events at my house...last night was friends hannukah party.   tonight is family hannukah party.   tomorrow is "straight" book club holiday party and then tuesday is "lesbian" book club at my house.    lots of food, to say the least.   i love to cook and entertain.  and even before surgery, i would remember that by the time i got done cooking and serving i would be too exhausted to eat.   last night i was not exhausted.  i just couldn't eat.  it is so weird to me to have a plate of food in front of me and not have any desire to eat it.

it is the same thing with people who buy something "just for a taste".... that blows my mind.  you take a bit out of a sandwich and throw it away?  crazy.  just crazy.

yesterday i went to macys and bought myself a coat.    it is a jason kole wool peacoat.  very cute.   size large (had to get that in).   it was weird for me to buy what i was thinking as a "forever" coat.   since i have been trying to lose weight the last twenty years i always resisted buying staples like a coat because "this year i swear i am going to lose weight".  i did have one long wool coat that was useful when i lived in charlotte and atlanta and for travel....but i have had that one for almost 20 years...and i never bought anything else because that was my staple to hold me over "while i lost weight".  so the price tag on the coat i found yesterday was $185.    i did not pull it off the rack because the saleswoman ran around the floor finding me all kinds of peacoats (i have one of the most helpful macys by my house).   so....i really liked it.   liked how i looked in it and resigned myself to pay the $$$$ for it....knowing it would most likely be my forever coat.   so, i have to tell you i was much delighted when it rang up for $89!    but here is the thing... i also saw a jacket at the GAP i liked.   i have a 40% off coupon good for this thursday so i am going to go back and get that too.   they have different looks to them and i like them both equally.

this is new for me....(and a small lesson my former girlfriend helped me to discover).... when you weigh 373 pounds you are just happy "something" fits you.   you don't really pay attention to how it looks on you --- as long as it goes over your head and no buttons pop.  right?  now  that i am in a more normal range -- i am looking at how it fits and also looking for more options -- more looks.   so now, for the first time in my life, it makes sense to me to own more than one winter coat/jacket.   new for me.

taking a break from the merri-go-round of life....

a lot  is going on.  yet nothing is going on.  i am not dating that woman anymore.   i think my quest for healthiness this past year has made me too sensitive to dealing with other people's unresolved shit.   the fun parts were definitely fun, but i am no place to deal with constant emotional antics and bullshit.   it has also made me realize that i really want to *just* date and not get involved in deep relationship stuff.  keep it on the surface and fun.   i always say this to women going into relationships and then i put my guard down on this issue and i grow to resent it.   i need to work on my role in that.  my life is so full.   i have everything i need.  all my boxes are full..... all i really want is distraction from my full life.

fortunately, this one was relatively short and i got out of it pretty unscathed.  (although there were some sad and mean moments....)  right now i am really looking forward to work slowing down beginning the week of the 13th and cruising along to the first week of january.   time to be a mom.  daughter.  friend.  me.  

hannukah starts tonight.   it is early this year -- which means by next wednesday i am DONE with the holidays.  woohoo.    many years ago when being a mom was only a hard to reach dream, i was working in a library and came across a book about "unplugging" the xmas tree and making xmas more about family than gifts or even religion.   i always thought that "when i have a baby...." that is what i would do.   and so i have.  the princess only gets one presents from me every hannukah and not the gazillion presents every night for 8 nights that i grew up with.   she does not get a toy or anything plastic.   this year, tonight, she will get a journal and special pencil so that she may start journaling every night about her day.   never fear, throughout the week she will be getting lots of presents from friends and family -- and that is ok too.   i figure i spoil her all year, that this time of year needs to be a special kind of spoiling from me -- one of hugs, kisses, family and quality time. 

from a lap-band perspective -- all is good.   i have good restriction but i am not too tight that i am hurting myself.   thanksgiving was a no-brainer.  just some turkey and a taste of gluten-free stuffing my mom makes just for me.   

i am working out twice a week with a personal trainer and really enjoying it.   i see this next phase of weight loss to really be one of deflation for me.   my stomach pouch, inner thighs and upper arms will continue to deflate and that is where the movement on the scale will come from.  

i have no idea what i weigh "officially". (and strangely, i don't care).   i just know i that my pants are falling off of me and i bought a size 12 skirt and wore regular size 14 jeans yesterday.  i have a scale that i now keep at my therapist's office -- but have not gotten on it for a while. perhaps my next visit in a couple weeks i will. i am beginning to see a thinner person in the mirror and not just in the pictures i take after the fact. i had this weird sensation this past saturday at disney...i felt "light". part of it is the working out -- but i felt light, agile, normal.

nothing is happening on the plastic surgery front right now.  i haven't even had the time to work on my medical necessity appeal.  but in the mean time i think my first surgery will be my arms.   the other day i was sitting at the table in a tank top writing something and i kept seeing something run across the room in my periphery vision.   it was not a critter....it was my arm shaking!!!!!!!!!  LOL.  i.swear.to.god.   i took this picture while i sat there laughing at my pathetic body.   it was such a funny moment.   so my goal is to save up the $4K i need to get my arms done and get them done by early spring so i will be healed by summer.    that means no disney cruise this year.   sigh.   but i really think it is worth it.  you can see how small my arms will be without the flaps.  lol.

i really miss blogging and reading and gaining inspiration from everyone's blog.  i know i say this everytime i reappear, but i really hope to get more regular again.   there are some things i really want to explore but always feel like i need to catch-up before i just lay them out there....

Proof I am still alive....

living in material world...

last week i told my Fashionable Girlfriend™ (MFGF™) that i welcomed her help in finding my new style to go along with my new body.   the fact that i shared that "need" with her to begin with is a huge step for my narcissistic self.  

one thing i am struggling with is that i want to hide my trouble spots, i want to embrace my inner punk more that i have more options and i want to not look fat.    one example i gave MFGF™ is that when i was larger that i wore those flowy flower tops all the time because that is all they sold in my size.   so want to avoid flowy because i associate them with being fat.  but yet i want to avoid tight shirts because they cling to my middle.  

so...anyhoo...MFGF™ staged a mini-intervention with me this weekend.   it was gentle and great.  i told her that the "trying on" part was the hardest for me because it was just me, the full length mirror and all my skin and imperfections.  she would always ask me if i "wanted" to try on -- instead of pushing me into something.  she would sneak into the dressing rooms after the clerk told us only one person allowed and she would distract me from the mirror.

here are my takeways....

1.  i need to stop putting off buy "good" permanent clothes, specifically tops,  now that i am 40 pounds from final goal.   i am wearing a Large.   it will be a long time before i get into a Medium -- if i even do based on my style and body type -- and MFGF™ said the Large items i buy now will still continue to fit -- just differently.  she pointed out that it was affecting my quality of life.  for example, we were going down to south beach for breakfast and i was on the verge of a breakdown because i could not figure out what to wear. i am ok with work clothes but i have nothing for the weekend -- day or night.  frustrating.

2.  i need to invest in good bras.  (i told MFGF™ about jen's bra find and she agrees with the possibilities).   i need to wear good bras when i am clothes shopping so i can get positive results in the dressing room.

3. MFGF™ kept telling me i was picking up clothes that are not cut right for my body.  after some back and forth and exploration of this she said that she thinks i am buying for the 18-24 year old set and not the 30-something (fine, almost 40) set.   and when she finally drilled down to that observation it occurred to me that i am probably drawn to the Guess hipster look or the Roxy stuff because when i was 18-24 i didn't fit into this stuff and i got to go along and watch all my friends buy these clothes.  once we recognized this it was easier for us to negotiate styles.  while, she is still holding strong with the benetton and anthropologie clothes -- i am able now to understand and rein myself in (somewhat) on the stuff that just doesn't look right on me but i WANT anyways.    i pointed out to her that at least my post-surgical regression was teenage fashion and not promiscuous sex or drugs.  she still wasn't giving me a hall pass at the Quicksilver store.  lol.    i totally get what she is saying and i am right there with her....but it is not going to stop me from getting this shirt at Guess...lol... i love the fucking 80s.   

i really think it is great that i have access to a knowledgeable, critical yet loving fashion eye.  and a lot of what MFGF™ says makes sense.   most importantly, i needed someone to say to me and point out that i needed to invest in clothes NOW if i want to feel good about my physical self.  that would have never occurred to me!

day 365

today is a day of reflection.   it is the last day of the first year of the rest of my life.  (geez....the tears are already flowing....).   tomorrow will be my one-year band anniversary.   

it really has been a couple weeks of reflection.  starting with a visit with Babbling Amy on October 29.   it was just wonderful.  we talked.  the kids played.  we sat in the hot tub.   we at AMAZING homemade broccoli ham cheddar soup.   we both talked about being "stuck" both on the scale and in our heads.   and we decided that our one-year anniversaries need not be "Day 366" but Day 1.   it is not the homestretch.  it is a new beginning.  for me, i have to lose 40 more pounds.  i have lost a gazillion this year....i *think* i can eeek out another 40.   seriously.  is 1/3 of what i have lost this year.   it is really 3-4 pounds a month over the next year.  sure, it is a step back from my rockstar 10 pounders....but not only totally doable--- but really realistic.  

i think know sometimes i get lost up in the big picture and forget to look around at the small moments.   as i typed the paragraph above i reminded myself that the first 80 pounds were lost on this journey in increments of 40.   time for me to step back and go back to the basics. 

i am training with a personal trainer twice a week.  she is the same lady that comes to my support group once a month.   four of us got together and she agreed to train with us at the same time for only $20 each per session.  it is great.  lots of one on one time.  she is helping me focus on my arms and belly.  

love life is divine.  i am definitely in the pre-stages of love.  she is just incredible.  i can't believe she is in my life.   we are really happy together.

i am still struggling with the mirror of distortion vs. the mirror of reality....so i share the following for my own reinforcement.

last year at Disney Halloween Party: 

this year.... (the princess is aerial and i am ursala from the little mermaid):

me at the grown-up halloween party last year:

me at the grown-up halloween party this year:

and so many NSVs in the last month it is sometime overwhelming.... i never really blogged in whole about vegas...so some NSVs from that trip and a report on buffet eating....

Vegas NSVs:

• i never got tired from walking.

• i danced on a bar.    in order to dance on a bar you need to climb up and down from the bar.  did that.   
•  sat on the floor of the airport.
• and i fucking ziplined down a street off the top of a 5 story building.  to do that one must get weighed.  i was waved on by by the lovely woman who stood guard at the scale.  the guy in front of me weighed in at 250 and was told he was right on the dot. 
• i shopped at Guess and bought myself two new items of clothing.  the young sales girl did not give me a funny look...instead she ran around the store picking out things she thought would look perfect on lil ole me.
• while in vegas i threw out a lot of the clothes i wore -- including all my pajamas because they were ridiculously big. 

(real quick on the buffets.... i was able to use my medical card at two buffets and pay the child's price...the M resort and the Rio....two of the nicer buffets i am told.  at our hotel the Freemont Hotel they would not allow a discount on the buffet but instead told me i could order and pay ala carte...bleech)

and here are some other NSVs....

• my personal trainer sees me as "advance" in what i can do.  i am the last person to have surgery in our group of four but she sees me as the one she can push because i don't have any "limitations".

• the hot woman i am dating stayed over the other night and did not have anything to wear the next day...so she pulled a pair of pants and a sweater out of my closet and wore them.  she is a perfect womanly size 12.  the pants were regular size 14s. Sweater was INC large.  sweater was perfect on her, pants were a little baggy.  to think i have a girlfriend who can wear my clothes....strange.   awesome.

• i wore a size 12 old navy denin skirt yesterday. 

• it feels like of cruel saying this...but it *was* one of my goals... i am NOT the fattest mom in my daughter's kindergarten class.

the jimmy buffett song "lovely cruise" has been in my head all morning.   if you don't know it...google it...listen to it... you need the tune to understand the words....i shall leave you with the lyrics as my final thoughts on this past year....because, really,  those harbor lights....they're coming into view

 

 

Drink it up

 

This ones for you

 

It's been a lovely cruise

 

I'm sorry it's ended

 

It's sad but it's true

 

Honey it's been a lovely cruise

 

 

 

These moments were left with

 

May you always remember

 

These moments are shared by few

 

There's wind in our hair

 

And there's water in our shoes

 

Honey, it's been a lovely cruise

 

 

 

These moments we're left with

 

May you always remember

 

These moments are shared by few

 

And those harbor lights

 

Aw they're coming into view

 

We bid our farewell much too soon

 

So drink it up

 

This one's for you

 

Honey, it's been a lovely cruise

 

Yea baby, it's been a lovely cruise

 

Oh darlin' it's been a lovely cruise

 

 

 



checking in....

so much to catch up about....

in no particular order:

blogging: 

yeah... i have been slacking.  i really really really have been busy.   i have wanted to.  i have also not really read any blogs in probably two weeks.   tomorrow i am going over to babbling amy's house so i plan to catch up on her blog tonight because i think it would be very shitty of me to eat her homemade food, swim in her heated pool and spend one on one time with her (yes, i am taunting all of you) without knowing what is going on in her life.   

i am at a point of either being overwhelmed with catching up and walking away or taking a week off work to catch up.   i am going to approach this in the middle and pledge to be better about following and being inspired by you all from this point going forward.  i can not commit to catching up.

love/lust/attraction/dating (whatever you want to call it):

the night before i left for Vegas i met an amazing woman.   we shall call her "M".   M and i spent a lot of time while i was in vegas communicating.   emails, texts, phone dates, pictures, etc.   by the time i got back we were already moving along....  remember my rants about my friends saying i deserve someone on my "level"?  i will admit i FINALLY get what they were saying.   she challenges me at my so-called level.   she is smart.  she is witty.  she is nice.  she is a good jewish girl with a private wild side.   and let me just put it out there....she is fucking hot.   hot.    like i said we met before i went to vegas.   day after i came home she came over to hang out.  and then we went our first real date saturday night.  it was an EIGHT hour date.    and it has only gotten better from there.  

of course, just because i am dating her does not mean all my body image issues have disappeared.   as you can imagine, they have only been magnified in my mind...fortunately, my therapist and i worked through some of this and helped me formulate a great sentence that allowed me to put my body issues (both reality and my perception issues) out there....i told M: "i feel like that the way i look to you in my clothes is very misleading to what i really look like under my clothes".   her response?  "that was very brave to say."  AND "nothing you have said so far scares me".    since this conversation...well, um...well...she got to see for herself what i was talking about.   but here is where my life takes a turn i was not expecting a month ago, a week ago, a day ago.   after we were, um, together she called me an hour after leaving my house to make sure i was ok with my body stuff in light of what happened.  now, this was after her totally seeing me.  talking in the nude for a couple hours, too.   and then told me that she was really enjoying "exploring" my body.  ARE YOU FREAKIN KIDDING ME?  *this* is now my life?

plastic surgery:

i was denied coverage by my insurance.  i actually got the call in vegas.  i pretty much kept it to myself except i told my friend K while we were there.  i plan to appeal it.   basically the plastic surgeon did a shitty submittal and did not respond to them when they requested specific information.  fortunately, i can appeal myself and i plan to.  obviously, i can not give up control to anyone....lol.

body image:

talked about it a little up there...but it is really an issue.   i have no idea what i look like.  apparently this is me at a bar....  HUH?   really?    also -- i am dating a hot chick who texts me while she is at "skinny" girl stores and tells me they have an article of clothing i mentioned the day before.   doesn't she know that when FAT people like me walk into those stores that cater to skinny teenage girls we get dirty looks?    yeah.  heidi.  wake the fuck up and stop looking in the mirror of distortion.... the mirror of reality is your friend.   i am doing major work in therapy with this....but i will not lie to you...i am struggling.   i KNOW i bought all size large (not XL) in vegas.    but i don't SEE an "average" size large when i look in the mirror.  i am not stupid...and that makes this situation more and more frustrating to me.    (ps.  the shirt is that pic is a large and i threw it out in vegas because it had a couple holes in it and i felt it was too loose on me....funny, i just thought of that....)

scale:

i am still self-imposed scale probation.   the "problem" is that in two weeks i will no longer be visiting my surgeon's office on a monthly basis.   so i talked it over with my therapist and i will now keep a scale at her office and weigh in there every two weeks.   i was doing the public free scale at the grocery store on the sly but she astutely pointed out to me that i need to stop using that because 1. 500 people a day hop on it thus affecting its accuracy and 2. grocery stores are not good places for people with eating disorders to weigh themselves....duh...lol.    

with all this being said...the scale is stuck at 212.   which leads me to...

exercise:

i am hoping to start semi-private personal training sessions twice a week with other lap-banders i know. hopefully this will help get the scale moving again.  the trainer is the woman who comes to our support group once a month.  she is willing to do more intense work with a small group for a nice small fee.   i showed her my fat where there should be abs and swears she can fix that.   i think if some of those areas tighten up i will feel better about the mirror.   the apron is definitely surgery territory...but i will concede to some toning.

ok.... that is enough for tonight.... i need my beauty sleep..... did i mention that i have a hot date with a hot bandster tomorrow?

as i told some guy in a bar last night....

life is not worth living without photographic evidence....

i am home from vegas, apparently.   i will post more tomorrow about some band related stuff during the trip and other updates.   in the meantime....viva las vegas, baby!

(this picture is TOTALLY staged...but funny, nonetheless to me....you had to be there.....)

Flying.......

Ziplined down Freemont Street tonight.    Amazing.  Exhilarating.   Freeing.  Fucking awesome.....

So what....

This is my dinner.  Ok.  We all know I will only get down 3 spoonfuls.....but they will each be their own slice of heaven......

Spa, baby....

Aveda spa at Excalibur.  Apparently, the manufacturers have stopped lying about that "one size fits all" label on the robes.  <wink>   

Just sayin.....

I'm in Vegas....are you really that surprised I found myself on a stripper pole?

Vegas, baby....

Celebrating 165 lost. 

Better than sex .....

My winnings after the first 2 hours this morning!!!!!!

Where do Fat Pictures go to die (a slow and painful death)?

so...today i need to talk about taking the whole "to tell or not to tell" decision a step further.   everyone who smiles at me knows i had surgery.  i do not keep it a secret from anyone.  never had.  ok...one dickwad at work....but i know he knows from others but i refuse to acknowledge him or his prodding....

but anyhoo.......  so even though i technically still *hate* girls, women and even ladies, i have met a fine young lady who has really piqued my interest.  and not only that she is showing signs of being on my so-called "level" that my friends have talked about.   my work schedule permitting, we may meet for a drink tonight.  nice.   just like in past dates, when the perfect moment arises i will slip in that i have lost a lot of weight via WLS...but as of right now she does not know.

but. but. but.  yes.  there is always a big but(t).  we have this fun little email thread going back and forth on our shared secret addiction to crafting and going to Michaels.   the conversation moved onto homemade halloween costumes.   and she playfully requested pics of halloween costumes in the past....houston we have a big fat problem....my pics of halloween past are not just goofy and your run of the mill embarrassing halloween pictures....my pics of halloween past are my FAT pictures.  i was able to deflect by flirting...by telling her that past halloween pics have to be "earned"....which of course garnered an equally flirtatious reply about ways to "earn" them....  whew.

BUT.  ugh.  i have no problem telling the truth about my past weight or how it was done.  don't even have a problem telling how much i have lost.   but sharing a pic like this with someone who did not know me then?  OMG.  no. no. no.  and all this time i never thought about this.  never thought about the pictures around the house. 

just fyi....these are the pics on my online profile that she has seen.   i am told this is what i look like today (LOL) but then again i still see rainbow girl up there...but that is a whole 'nother post....

i need someone to talk me off the ledge.   stop me from freaking out and running away and avoiding this situation in real life and for the rest of my life.  i need someone to tell me how to handle this and what to say and when to say it.  HELP!   What happens to our fat pictures?  Do we hide them?  Embrace them?  What constitutes "earning" them????