Today....

today has been a total "OMG" and "wow" day.....

first let me say THANK YOU so much for your supportive messages to my mommy and friend posts.   I am really reading your comments and thinking about them.  i want to respond back about them and at this point will not be able to do it until this weekend (which could be fun because i will most likely be hopped up on painkillers all weekend after surgery tomorrow....).  i am also going to work hard to figure out rosh hashanah and chicago....i need to be with blogger friends.

but back to today....a year and 20 days ago i blogged about my annual review at work and wrote this:

i also had my annual review this week. my boss basically told me that he is going to mentor me to take over his position in about 2 years (he is out of his 3rd or 4th retirement and in his 70s). this would take me from department director to a city manager/ceo position. the goals and benchmarks he laid out for me were quite high and significant. he also wants me to commit to major executive management training at a national level to make me more prepared to take his position.....you put these two upcoming "changes" together -- weight loss and job -- and i have a pretty big year or two ahead of me. lots of goals. lots of self-improvement. lots of other people's expectations to meet. the truth of the matter of it is i know that i will emerge on the other side of two years looking a like a new person inside and out. wow. kind of scary. but exciting at the same time.

i went to the executive training in June.  it was tough.  fucking tough.  i was a whole analysis of your personality, your leadership style and feedback from your boss, co-workers and employees.  it literally tears you down.    while there i had an emotional moment where i realized that it may be time to move on from my job.   the relationship i have with my job is complicated and one day i will be able to write more about it...but nevertheless i had this moment at the executive training where i realized that i need to move on.

there was only one job i wanted.  only one job that could shake me out of my comfort zone.   and today i was offered it.  i can't say too much yet....but while it is not a city manager position it is over 5 departments (i am currently over 2) and it puts me in the right size city to grow and directly under the city manager.   and today when he offered me the job he made it very clear to me that he was open to grooming me for his job until he retires in a few years......  it is less money and i will lose a lot of perks (like an SUV my current employer gives me), it is a 4 day / 10 hour work week which will be a challenge to this solo-mom and i can no longer coast by on my personality/institutional history like i do at my current job and work when i want and where i want---i will have to WORK.... but it is totally what i want.   i can be out of the closet there (and already am).  i can look towards my career future (which does not exist at my current job). 

AND AND AND never ever ever ever again will i get on an elevator and have to hear "oh! i didn't recognize you!" or "how much weight have you lost?" or "you look so amazing.  how do you feel?"  "how much did the surgery cost?" "can you really eat that?"  or walk into a room and have everyone stop talking and stop to look at me when i wear something new that fits right....ok, i may miss those showstopping moments.... but, damn it, i will no longer work somewhere where i used to be fat.  

i had a great conversation with my mom today about the new job.  she even pointed out that i need a change because of the weight loss i am a different person and ready to take on new challenges.   it was great affirmation from my mommy.

OH MY FUCKING GAWD.   i can't believe that what i only dreamed about being a possibility last february is happening..... wait.  i can believe it.   i made it happen.

now i have to figure out when to tell my boss (and THAT will be heartbreaking)...between surgery, my medical absence next week, etc.  sigh.  and i need to tell him so the city can call and finalize my background check.  
wow.  just wow.

living somewhere between 196.5 and 202....

so today was my "official" weigh-in day at the surgeon's.... a month ago i set a goal for myself to weigh 198 by today. 

because i do not weigh myself at home during the month this is usually a big surprise.   i hate surprises.  hate them.   well... i love surprise parties.  what i really hate is being caught off guard by something i may need to emotional fortify myself for...like stepping on the scale.

so....this morning on the way to work i stopped off at Publix (our grocery chain) and stepped on the public scale.  it said 198!  so i drove to work knowing today's weigh-in will be "ok".  i put out of my mind those pesky comments from my therapist about how i should NOT be jumping on the Publix scale because everyone and their mother is on it all day and it can not be accurate and her general feelings about food issues and weighing yourself at the grocery store.

went to work and popped out at 9:30 for my doctor's appointment...stepped on the scale.  saw it tally up...167, 184...202 is where it landed.   a six pound loss this month which is good.   not making my own self-created ambitious goal which is still "ok".

but it was kind of bugging me.... did i meet my goal or not?  so i decided on the way back to the office to stop off at a different Publix which was along the way and weigh myself and i would decide then what to think.   well....now i am in a pickle...because it did NOT say 198.  it did NOT say 202.   but it DID say 196.5.   LOL.   (and, yes, i took a picture of this)... so who knows what i weigh.   i will keep with 202 for purposes of tracking on my blog here.   but i will also go to bed tonight knowing that by the princess' 6th birthday next week i will sooooooooooooo weigh under 200 pounds.    and definitely by my next weigh-in March 3rd

i sent my mom the pic from the scale.   she is so excited.  i am too.

here is what i do know...i look thinner.  i look at myself from the side and i see a really thin person (as long as the skin is tucked in).  yesterday i was wearing a big flowy shirt and i still felt thin when i looked in the mirror. also, i was looking at the lane bryant mailing that came in the mail and i could not relate to the size of the models.   remember when we used to always complain that the models looked to skinny to shop at lane bryant?   now they look to fat to be modeling stuff i would wear.   weird.   i feel AMAZING.   and i weigh less than i did in high school.  and by high school i mean probably junior year of high school.

so i "lost" weight...

but i still weigh 208.  i am sooooo confused.   i *thought* i weighed 208.   at least that is what i remember weighing at my 1 year appointment.   so when i went into the surgeon's office yesterday for a smidge of a fill i was blah about the scale showing 208.  but the tech told me i lost 6 1/2 pounds.  huh?   apparently when i went in for a baby fill at the end of november i was up to 214 1/2.  i must have been in total denial and blocked that out of my head.   so the good thing is i am actually down and not in a plateau AND i got a baby fill this week to bring me back to a good control point.

this little surprise loss has definitely motivated me.  i have set a new goal of definitely/without a doubt/positively being under 200 pounds by february 11th.  this is a back to basics goal for me.   the princess will be 6 (SIX!) on feb 11th.   and regardless of my motivation and reasons for losing weight now...as my therapist always reminds me, i decided to have surgery for one simple reason...because "i am a mom".    so i will live to see my daughter graduate high school.  so i can be a healthy role model.   

my next appointment is february 1st.  i hope plan to be 198 by then.   and will be 195 by her birthday.  i will forever leave the 200s behind -- for both of us.

i really going to commit this month to no chips, crackers or other blatant carbs.   i am also going to recommit to my gluten-free lifestyle.  i am gluten intolerant, although with the weight loss my intolerance seems to have gone into remission so it is less of a motivator to stay away from blatant carbs.   but i know regardless if i am getting sick from gluten or not -- it is not healthy for me, my body, my skin, etc.

so....here i go.....

will it ever be enough? is it enough? (reposted -- hit publish by mistake)

i was at a party saturday night and got tons of comments on my weight-loss and how i was looking. one girl kept saying that i am "invisible". someone else told me that they thought i only need to lose 10 more pounds "but not more than that". WTF? i did not come this far to be chubby. lol. but i appreciate the compliment.

then the next day in my hangover haze i see the cover to the National Enquirer at the grocery store and it is SHOCKING NEWS that whitney houston weighs 175 pounds. 175 is front page news?????

i have no idea what my true goal weight is. i am mentally targeting 165 since that puts me at a healthy BMI. but i have no idea if i will still look big at the size. but, really, for me, it is not about looking big -- it is about looking good. and by that i readily admit that i mean it is about looking good to other people. i have no shame in saying that i want to be attractive to others and cut down my chances of my fat ass being splashed across the front page of a tabloid (as if! lol).

on the other hand,  i recently had the realization that for the first time in my adult memory i have less than 100 pounds to lose.  not 200 pounds to lose like i once did.   not 147 like when i started this journey.   i need to lose 70 pounds.   on one hand that sounds sooooo doable and easy.  on the other hand i know these will be the blood, sweat and tears pounds.   i can't wait for "this" to be over....

and just like the woman who said i only had 10 more pounds to go...i too sometimes forget that i am not there yet...like when i stripped down to my not-so tighty whities (ok, they were black and lace) and jumped into the hot tub the other night.  sure i had my bathing suit with me, but "why the hell not" is what i always say!

and in the spirit of moving forward,  i have decided to actively re-enter the dating market today -- the first day of summer.   i have posted an online ad and told friends i am on the "prowl" and to send willing victims women my way....  right now i am looking to date, have fun and get back out there.   look out world!  lol.

reflections at 6 months

yesterday was my 6 month band-anniversary.   the pictures are of me one-week pre-op and of me on the eve of my 6 month anniversary. 

i know so many of you who have gone through this before had major struggles at six months.  i hear a lot about it at support group too.   i am very aware that is when the real work begins.  the weight loss has been fast and easy.   but now is the time to meld my mind, body and soul.   

from the mind stuff i feel like i am in a good position to handle things.  i have a great therapist.  i am digging deep into some issues that may have led to my obesity and i am open to the process. 

from a body standpoint i understand and work the band and i have really started to get more physically active in hopes of scaring off that common 6-month plateau.  not really on an exercise routine but i know that would not work for me.  instead i am getting out and doing "things".  this weekend alone i kayaked, danced all night, walked the dog park, went for a 3 mile bike ride and swam in the pool.   

but my soul is what i really need to work on.  what kind of person will i be when i grow up (or shrink down, in this case)?   as the layers of fat are slowly peeled away i am learning so much about myself or who i really thought i was and i may not be afterall.  i have always been someone who said she is "ok" with being different.   but in the last week i have found myself saying the word "normal" a lot.  and when you have been as different as i have for so many years, you seem to be aware (and mystified a little) by your own use of the word "normal".  

i never really had coming-out angst.  i was one of those people who adults, kids, teachers, etc always just assumed was gay.   but as i go through this weight loss and rediscovery process i am finally understanding more how confusing the coming out process may be for some people.  you spend your whole life thinking you were one way to only wake up and discover you may have been living a lie.   (don't worry my lesbian real-life friends...i am not questioning my sexuality....you will always have me on your team...barring a 3some with marky mark, of course ;-)

the next six months should be interesting to say the least.   having met my latest goal of at least 65 pounds lost by Mother's Day i am ready for my next goal.    i would like to lose 25 more pounds by July 24th.   the princess and i are going on a two week road trip around that time and i would like to have a total of 90 pounds lost under my belt before i see my cousins and relatives.   i worry that it may be a challenge, but i am up for it!  it will motivate me to move more and stay on track with the program.  it also puts me on the path to be 100 pounds down by my 38th (Jr. I actually just typed 39 --lol) birthday in mid-September.  

wishing you a day of skinny thoughts....

celebrating mother's day...

and working on discovering my inner MILF.   i started this journey telling you i was doing this for my daughter and only her.  they i decided i was doing it *really* to be a skinny bitch.   but here on mother's day 2010...i am proclaiming to the world that my weight loss goal is not be a better mom, sit in a kindergarten chair, be a skinny bitch or even be healthy.  my weight loss goal is to be a MILF.  ;-)

the princess is a frickin mood today.  took her to the dog park and playground and she had major meltdowns.   came home.   told her to go to her room for a time out/rest and she slammed her door (the first time) and screamed at me she was moving away because i am the.worst.mom.ever.  lol

so in light of that i am blogging, cruising the net and having a grand ole time on mother's day being ignored.  for real!

prior to all the drama we actually had some fun taking "fashion girl" pictures.

yes, i "let" the princess go out in public wearing an undershirt, butterfly tights and a yellow tutu.

father's day 2006.  siz 5x outfit out of a catalog.

mother's day 2010.  size 18 (not plus 18) head to toe.

Happy Mother's Day to all the Skinny Moms out there....

Chicago -- No Dice

so...it has been a busy week at work and in life in general. 

because i am a solo-parent, all my independent travel depends on my parents' ability to watch the princess.  it usually works out.  ironically, they have a professional event in the keys the same weekend of the BOOBS chicago trip...while i can scramble and take my babysitter or a friend to chicago with me to watch the princess, i have decided not to.  i have talked about some road trips with my good friends and we have decided to go to vegas the first weekend in october (the week after BOOBS).    it will also be right around that time that i will hit my 100 post-surgery weight loss.   one of my goals has always been to go on some kind of trip to celebrate 100 pounds.  i am going to make this vegas trip that trip.

sorry to back out of chicago, but i am looking forward to hearing all about it!

in other news...some how, these same friends has talked me into climbing kilimanjaro.   our traget date is september 2011.  16 months away.   we have started "talking" about our training plan.  lol..   honestly, this in not something i have ever thought about but i am really excited now about the idea.  stay tuned for out upcoming blog about our adventures...

i am going to wrap this up and go run some errands.  there is a fundraiser down the street for a little girl in our town who got beat up (REALLY bad) by a boy --- so I want to stop by there...i am out of my shakes so i need to pick those up...and as long as it does not rain my plan is to walk the 0.8 mile up to get my nails done... and then it is South Beach tonight....woohoo.

i gave in to my whim....

today was free cone day at ben and jerry's.  as a quick sidebar... i was fired from the ben and jerry's in charlotte, nc when i was in college because i kept showing up to work in birkenstocks.  go figure....anyhoo...despite my early termination i have always remained loyal to the brand.   so who am i to let a little lap-band and ice cream fatwa stand in the way of free cone day 2010?  

i had made plans for me, the princess and a couple other people to go tonight.   it was like the chubby hubby stars had aligned themselves perfectly for me...easy street parking.  no line.  they invited us to come back in for more.  but i did not do it.  i did not even have one lick of the princess' vanilla ice cream.  i did not even steal one m&m off the top.  nothing. nada.  just sat out in the sun and relaxed.

so afterwards, i decided to reward myself and go down the street  from b&js and buy myself a necklace i had seen a couple months ago when i was a on date in the same area.   kind of a whim, kind of not.  i had told myself at the time when i reached 50 pounds band loss i would get it.  but then 54 pound loss came so easily i didn't really think much about a reward.  but today i decided it was fine time for a reward...so i went and bought myself this necklace.    not sure if you see the text but it says my tagline..."just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, it became a butterfly".  i really think this is the tagline of my weight loss journey.  this metamorphosis is at time overwhelming and at other times just so much damn fun.

in other news...i think i may be losing some restriction.  if i feel hungry all day tomorrow i am going to get a fill.  i am hoping this is a just a weird fluke today. 

spring is here in south florida and i am at my peak.  i just love it.  in fact, i have scheduled myself off or half days for the next week and a half.   this weather is so good for my soul.

have a great night! 

ch-ch-ch-ch-changes....

things have been crazy -- but good -- here this week.  

after my 3 month post-op checkup this week, i passed over that threshold and came to accept that i really am going to lose weight and that the next year or so (weight-loss) wise is going to cause a lot of changes.

coincidentally, i also had my annual review this week. my boss basically told me that he is going to mentor me to take over his position in about 2 years (he is out of his 3rd or 4th retirement and in his 70s). this would take me from department director to a city manager/ceo position. the goals and benchmarks he laid out for me were quite high and significant. he also wants me to commit to major executive management training at a national level to make me more prepared to take his position. and true to his word, the rest of the week we got right down to business on me gaining new responsibilities -- including taking control of the policy issues in another department. fortunately, it is just policy and structure and not personnel. the human resources part of being a department director is the part i like least about my job. i have high expectations of others and their behaviors and get annoyed easily with laziness, stupidity and lack of teamwork. and with the weight-loss control going on right now i am not sure i would want to take on 50 plus people who would make me want to eat my band, forget about eating around it.

so...you put these two upcoming "changes" together -- weight loss and job -- and i have a pretty big year or two ahead of me. lots of goals. lots of self-improvement. lots of other people's expectations to meet. the truth of the matter of it is i know that i will emerge on the other side of two years looking a like a new person inside and out. wow. kind of scary. but exciting at the same time.

i never updated on support group this week because i am still digesting some of it and i don't doubt that eventually members of the group will read this blog. we had some bypass patients there this week and it is crazy the differences in our control points, outlook, etc. i will pretty much leave it there, because some things are just better left unsaid. also, i know my reaction is clouded by the fact that i am very intolerant of new people/situations. like if a website changes it format -- i freak out -- so all you girls who change your background weekly are wreaking havoc on my non-dx ocd. lol... back to support group... nothing too bad...but it would be like putting a vegetarian and a rancher in the same room together....both are going to walk away scratching their heads and having some wild perceptions about each other....

but true to form, on the surface all the regulars at my group were patient and tried to engage with the "others".   i will also say that there was a newly banded woman there and i felt bad that she was getting a mixed message on the journey. she actually beat me in how soon someone attended group. i was exactly one week post-op. she had her surgery thursday and was there monday -- is that 4 days? being the competitive one that i am, i made a mental note of her beating me. lol.

regarding the clothes issues i briefly posted about....i finally understand hoochie mama fashion. i mean WHY would someone want to wear baggy clothes when they can show off ALL their deliciousness? i hated being in bagging clothes this week. you see, i thought i was organized. i spent some time this past weekend ironing my clothes for the week so i would look nice. never occurred to me to TRY ON the clothes. the problem is that the 26s are baggy but the 24s are just a little too tight. thus, my new appreciation for hoochie mamas....

i am rocking some new glasses today. you can see them in my pic up there. other than that, i am enjoying my post-fill restriction. dating/relationship (eeek! i said the word) is going well.  the princess has been sick this week and home from preschool much of the week. between me, my mom, my mom's friend and my babysitter we have figured it out...

one week and i will be on the cruise! yippee!

Goal Met!!! (10 days early, thankyouverymuch)

my first goal was to lose a total of 40 pounds by our disney cruise next thursday.   this morning was my 3 month post-op appointment and i recorded a 10 pound loss this month!  woo hoo.  actually to be even more boastful -- today is really 2 month 3 weeks since my surgery.   i went in a week early so i can have time to adjust to the fill before the cruise.  the last thing i need is to be pb'ing all over the ship.  

i had great restriction up until this past tuesday so i took a 1/2 cc of fill.  i am hoping this will do the trick.  even though the PA said i could come back next week before the cruise if i needed more, at this point i rather not risk it and just come in for the other 1/2cc after the cruise, if needed.

i was sooooooooooooooo nervous getting on the scale.  i am not sure i will ever be able to kick that old feeling.   i even mentioned it to the nurse while i was getting on the scale with one eye closed.   i told her that next time dr. bass needs to give me a lobotomy.  she said "then you won't be able to celebrate your success!".  she was so cute.   have i told you how much i love my surgeon's office?  lol.  <---- look!  you don't even have to wait until tonight to read that!

so i am ready with my next goal.  i am trying to stay motivated and realistic.....so.....the next goal to meet is a total of 65 pounds by mother's day -- may 9th.  

speaking of being realistic...in the car from the surgeon's office back to my office i was suddenly overcome with emotion because i realized that i was going to succeed.   i realized that i was going to meet or exceed every goal.  i realized that i will really be skinny one day.   it was a total good emotional cry.   a proud cry.  the kind of cry that happens when your beautiful daughter does something amazing.

i have also noticed that i have started to plan my life in 10 pound/per month increments.   i am attending a pool party in june.   when i saw that -- i thought..."ok, by then i should be 80 pounds down".  lol.  there is a big party in april..."ok, i will be down 60 pounds".   lol.  i think it is so funny everytime i catch myself thinking in 10 pounds.  does anyone else do this?

ok...back to work... it is a rainy, rainy day here in south florida.

have a successful day!

some end of 2009 thoughts and my word...

today has been filled with emotions.  i am usually not reflective on new years eve.  eh.  ya know?   but today is another one of those days in paradise.  75 degrees.  nice breeze.  blue skies.  you can't ask for me.   i promised the princess that we would go to a playground and have a picnic today. 

i am ashamed to say that in her almost 5 short years i have done limited outdoor activities with her.   i live less than 10 minutes from the beach and the only two times her feet has touched the sand has been once when we drove up the coast to watch the space shuttle launch and we stopped off in juno beach for her "first" trip to the beach.   she was almost 4 that day.   the second time is this past september when we went on a disney cruise and actually frolicked on their private beach.   my adversion to the beach has nothing to do with bathing suits.  i live in florida.  i spend all summer in a bathing suit in the pool.  my aversion to the beach is no different to my aversion to anything that requires energy and attention.   weighing over 300 pounds it is hard to do such simple things like taking your daughter to the playground.  not something i am proud of.  

so anyhoo... today i took one large step towards my Kindergarten Challenge victory.   we went to the playground.  (me stylishly in my 22/24 top and the princess in her always appropriate pink cowgirl boots).   but not only did we go to the playground we also took some blankets and had a picnic for lunch.  i was able to sit on the ground without the fear of getting off the ground and not uncomfortable from supporting my back.  sure, getting up was less than graceful... but i fucking did it.  

the other thing going on today is that i emptied out my closet this morning.   the amount of clothes i have is obscene and unnecessary.    i have 3 piles going -- consignment, charity and craigslist.  i definitely see a style shift in my future.   less flowy big print tops and little more muted lesbian preppy -- ala ellen degeneres.    why do fat people, and by fat people i mean me, think that big flowy prints make them look good????

and finally...my word for 2010 will be believe.  i believe this will be my final weight loss journey.  i believe in my ability to sustain and work the gift of the band.  i believe in me.   cue cher music....

the battle between the jewish mother and the 2X t-shirt...

the 2X t-shirt won!!!!!

quick back story...1 week post-op i hosted a tomboy tools party. at the party i ordered a t-shirt. since i was only living on soup and protein drinks back then i was very optimistic about my journey so i ordered the 2x t-shirt instead of the 4x t-shirt. i know i could usually wear 3x if i had to, but if 4x was available i would take it. so my mom called me before placing the final order to confirm that i wanted 2x. i said yes, because it would be silly to buy a bigger size if i wouldn't be able to fit into it. my mom responded that it would be a while before i would fit into 2x. i took it as her being protective of my feelings because she has first hand witnessed almost all of my emotional breakdowns after not doing well on diets since i was 10.

well, this weekend i got the shirt and it fit! like, it fit well enough that i wore it all day and night! yay me! and when i saw myself in the mirror i could see that my shoulder width looked smaller.

nothing else really happened this weekend. my parents, me and the princess went bowling last night (me in my 2x shirt) and that was lots of fun. today princess and i played games and did puzzles. i actually sat on the floor comfortably with her. i am not sure if i have ever played on the floor with her....

i also dropped some $$$ at lane bryant. i needed more spanx (i am lovin them) and they were advertising this black and white polka dot blouse (size 26). i have a thing for black and white polka dots. using a coupon i was also able to get two more shirts free...one to wear now and one to use as a goal -- size 22.

i always reflect when i see people post that they never want to shop at lane bryant again. i can't say that...i have wanted for a long time to shop at lane bryant. they *only* go to size 28. it hasn't been until the last year that i could even consider shopping anywhere *but* the avenue who goes to size 32.

i officially weigh-in on tuesday (at 10AM --- no, i am not ready for my fill or anything...lol). but i did jump on my parents wii yesterday and i was down 4.6 pounds. yay! that is pretty much my target on tuesday -- 4 pounds which would be 2 pounds a week.

have a great week!

goal!

i finally set a "goal" for myself. this past week was my parent's wedding anniversary. my daughter will be 5 in february. so my parent's gift was a cabin on the disney cruise in february with me and my daughter for her birthday. following me? 2 birds -- one cruise.

my goal is to lose 40 pounds before the cruise. i think it is realistic and i am motivated to achieve it.

i still need to work on my longterm rewards. i know the final reward is a tattoo on my lower back in honor of my daughter. she has a form of spina bifida and lots of scars back there due to two neurosurgeries thus far in her short life! and, no, not a tramp stamp per se. something circular to represent her spina bifida and the circle of life.

i think 100 pounds will be a solo trip somewhere....like a resort or women's cruise.