checking in....

so much to catch up about....

in no particular order:

blogging: 

yeah... i have been slacking.  i really really really have been busy.   i have wanted to.  i have also not really read any blogs in probably two weeks.   tomorrow i am going over to babbling amy's house so i plan to catch up on her blog tonight because i think it would be very shitty of me to eat her homemade food, swim in her heated pool and spend one on one time with her (yes, i am taunting all of you) without knowing what is going on in her life.   

i am at a point of either being overwhelmed with catching up and walking away or taking a week off work to catch up.   i am going to approach this in the middle and pledge to be better about following and being inspired by you all from this point going forward.  i can not commit to catching up.

love/lust/attraction/dating (whatever you want to call it):

the night before i left for Vegas i met an amazing woman.   we shall call her "M".   M and i spent a lot of time while i was in vegas communicating.   emails, texts, phone dates, pictures, etc.   by the time i got back we were already moving along....  remember my rants about my friends saying i deserve someone on my "level"?  i will admit i FINALLY get what they were saying.   she challenges me at my so-called level.   she is smart.  she is witty.  she is nice.  she is a good jewish girl with a private wild side.   and let me just put it out there....she is fucking hot.   hot.    like i said we met before i went to vegas.   day after i came home she came over to hang out.  and then we went our first real date saturday night.  it was an EIGHT hour date.    and it has only gotten better from there.  

of course, just because i am dating her does not mean all my body image issues have disappeared.   as you can imagine, they have only been magnified in my mind...fortunately, my therapist and i worked through some of this and helped me formulate a great sentence that allowed me to put my body issues (both reality and my perception issues) out there....i told M: "i feel like that the way i look to you in my clothes is very misleading to what i really look like under my clothes".   her response?  "that was very brave to say."  AND "nothing you have said so far scares me".    since this conversation...well, um...well...she got to see for herself what i was talking about.   but here is where my life takes a turn i was not expecting a month ago, a week ago, a day ago.   after we were, um, together she called me an hour after leaving my house to make sure i was ok with my body stuff in light of what happened.  now, this was after her totally seeing me.  talking in the nude for a couple hours, too.   and then told me that she was really enjoying "exploring" my body.  ARE YOU FREAKIN KIDDING ME?  *this* is now my life?

plastic surgery:

i was denied coverage by my insurance.  i actually got the call in vegas.  i pretty much kept it to myself except i told my friend K while we were there.  i plan to appeal it.   basically the plastic surgeon did a shitty submittal and did not respond to them when they requested specific information.  fortunately, i can appeal myself and i plan to.  obviously, i can not give up control to anyone....lol.

body image:

talked about it a little up there...but it is really an issue.   i have no idea what i look like.  apparently this is me at a bar....  HUH?   really?    also -- i am dating a hot chick who texts me while she is at "skinny" girl stores and tells me they have an article of clothing i mentioned the day before.   doesn't she know that when FAT people like me walk into those stores that cater to skinny teenage girls we get dirty looks?    yeah.  heidi.  wake the fuck up and stop looking in the mirror of distortion.... the mirror of reality is your friend.   i am doing major work in therapy with this....but i will not lie to you...i am struggling.   i KNOW i bought all size large (not XL) in vegas.    but i don't SEE an "average" size large when i look in the mirror.  i am not stupid...and that makes this situation more and more frustrating to me.    (ps.  the shirt is that pic is a large and i threw it out in vegas because it had a couple holes in it and i felt it was too loose on me....funny, i just thought of that....)

scale:

i am still self-imposed scale probation.   the "problem" is that in two weeks i will no longer be visiting my surgeon's office on a monthly basis.   so i talked it over with my therapist and i will now keep a scale at her office and weigh in there every two weeks.   i was doing the public free scale at the grocery store on the sly but she astutely pointed out to me that i need to stop using that because 1. 500 people a day hop on it thus affecting its accuracy and 2. grocery stores are not good places for people with eating disorders to weigh themselves....duh...lol.    

with all this being said...the scale is stuck at 212.   which leads me to...

exercise:

i am hoping to start semi-private personal training sessions twice a week with other lap-banders i know. hopefully this will help get the scale moving again.  the trainer is the woman who comes to our support group once a month.  she is willing to do more intense work with a small group for a nice small fee.   i showed her my fat where there should be abs and swears she can fix that.   i think if some of those areas tighten up i will feel better about the mirror.   the apron is definitely surgery territory...but i will concede to some toning.

ok.... that is enough for tonight.... i need my beauty sleep..... did i mention that i have a hot date with a hot bandster tomorrow?

as i told some guy in a bar last night....

life is not worth living without photographic evidence....

i am home from vegas, apparently.   i will post more tomorrow about some band related stuff during the trip and other updates.   in the meantime....viva las vegas, baby!

(this picture is TOTALLY staged...but funny, nonetheless to me....you had to be there.....)

Flying.......

Ziplined down Freemont Street tonight.    Amazing.  Exhilarating.   Freeing.  Fucking awesome.....

So what....

This is my dinner.  Ok.  We all know I will only get down 3 spoonfuls.....but they will each be their own slice of heaven......

Spa, baby....

Aveda spa at Excalibur.  Apparently, the manufacturers have stopped lying about that "one size fits all" label on the robes.  <wink>   

Just sayin.....

I'm in Vegas....are you really that surprised I found myself on a stripper pole?

Vegas, baby....

Celebrating 165 lost. 

Better than sex .....

My winnings after the first 2 hours this morning!!!!!!

Where do Fat Pictures go to die (a slow and painful death)?

so...today i need to talk about taking the whole "to tell or not to tell" decision a step further.   everyone who smiles at me knows i had surgery.  i do not keep it a secret from anyone.  never had.  ok...one dickwad at work....but i know he knows from others but i refuse to acknowledge him or his prodding....

but anyhoo.......  so even though i technically still *hate* girls, women and even ladies, i have met a fine young lady who has really piqued my interest.  and not only that she is showing signs of being on my so-called "level" that my friends have talked about.   my work schedule permitting, we may meet for a drink tonight.  nice.   just like in past dates, when the perfect moment arises i will slip in that i have lost a lot of weight via WLS...but as of right now she does not know.

but. but. but.  yes.  there is always a big but(t).  we have this fun little email thread going back and forth on our shared secret addiction to crafting and going to Michaels.   the conversation moved onto homemade halloween costumes.   and she playfully requested pics of halloween costumes in the past....houston we have a big fat problem....my pics of halloween past are not just goofy and your run of the mill embarrassing halloween pictures....my pics of halloween past are my FAT pictures.  i was able to deflect by flirting...by telling her that past halloween pics have to be "earned"....which of course garnered an equally flirtatious reply about ways to "earn" them....  whew.

BUT.  ugh.  i have no problem telling the truth about my past weight or how it was done.  don't even have a problem telling how much i have lost.   but sharing a pic like this with someone who did not know me then?  OMG.  no. no. no.  and all this time i never thought about this.  never thought about the pictures around the house. 

just fyi....these are the pics on my online profile that she has seen.   i am told this is what i look like today (LOL) but then again i still see rainbow girl up there...but that is a whole 'nother post....

i need someone to talk me off the ledge.   stop me from freaking out and running away and avoiding this situation in real life and for the rest of my life.  i need someone to tell me how to handle this and what to say and when to say it.  HELP!   What happens to our fat pictures?  Do we hide them?  Embrace them?  What constitutes "earning" them????

it gets better...

today is national coming out day.  http://www.hrc.org/ncod/ .  an internationally observed day in which gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender people are encouraged to "take the next step" in coming out.   the idea is that we can beat homophobia by putting a face on queerness and making others understand that we are your daughters, sons, moms, dad, friends, coworkers, neighbors, leaders and on and on and on.

the past two weeks have been very hard on the queer community.   there has been a rash of gay suicides (and even non-gay suicides) due to bullying.  it has to stop.  as parents we all need to teach our children that it is NOT ok to be the loud bully or even the complacent silent bully by watching this happen.

i encourage all those out there who are not queer to "take the next step" in acceptance.   give your child who you know is "different" the resources he or she needs to feel safe and find others like him or her.   give your kid's friend who you *know* is gay an extra hug today and let them know that your home is always safe for them.   go up to the queer co-worker who for some reason when everyone else is talking about their hot dates and spouses on monday morning says they "just watched tv" or "did stuff around the house" how their partner is.  let them know that you are an ally and that you will help make work a safe and enjoyable environment for them.   everyone says they are cool with gayness.  it is very chic, afterall.   but how far will you go?  i commend you for your ability to be 100% committed to equal rights not just legally, but also through societal and cultural behavior -- for all.

in honor of coming out day i put together a video for the It Gets Better Project.  Read all about it here:  http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/It_Gets_Better and visit it here: http://www.youtube.com/user/itgetsbetterproject  .

here is my video:



(it is showing on my screen with my finger in my ear at the clip....nice...lol)

the week in review (aka i feel fat)

i don't even know where to start.... after a whirlwind week at work and just being beat tired after over 1,000 miles of road travel, work days that started at 8AM and ended at 11 at night and the only food being available was fattening meats or carbs.... i am just over it.

here are some bullet point takeaways from this week...

• all kidding aside, i am now one of "those" girls.  and by "those" girls i mean a skinny bitch.  the fat girls want nothing to do with me anymore.   the communities i work for have an exponentially high instance of obesity (see my comment on the food above).   there are a lot of fat girls.  and i when i say fat girls i mean like me  -- over 300 pounds  (or how i used to be...ugh...need to blog about the mindfuck body thing i am going through).  so anyways, my work environment while professional has a very close family element to it.   there have been work related travel where i eat and share entire weeks at a resort with a group of families for work related stuff.   one such family has a woman my age in it and at least one of her kids is my princess' age.  so, through work events, we have been raising our daughters together.   saw her in her community monday night and after six years of her loudly calling across the room that i *will* sit with her family she wouldn't even look at me.   because i was not "invited", i did not join.   i tried to talk to her later but she quickly answered me and walked off "to see someone else".   same thing with another 300+'er that night.   same thing tuesday.   wednesday was actually different.  the men were all over me.  stupid boys.  but by thursday and another community i was an outsider again.  interesting...huh?
• i got closure this week on a big hole in my heart.  it goes back a couple years and the details are complicated and heartbreaking.  it is basically my own little lesbian star-crossed lovers story.     she finally acknowledged me after all this time.  it was positive.  no drama.  and almost instantly i felt a lead balloon release from my heart.  it was good.   i can let go now.  
• i communicated to the woman i was recently dating my disappointment in her cancelling plans and lack of acknowledgement of my answers to her questions about our relationship.   for a hot minute i let her back into my life and she instantly failed my expectations (which really aren't that high) again.   done.  door closed.
• but...when one door closes...i have met two women online in the last week.   this, of course, come after some major hissy fits about me never finding someone who is professional and career driven.  or someone who is in my age range.  or someone who wants to MEET and not fricking just text (i hate texting).  so many of these women rather hide behind their spellcheck and computer.  i rather spend an hour at starbucks and see if i like you.  so... #1 is on a major education sector career track.   and 36.   #2 is also an overeducated professional, 36 AND said to me in her first email that she rather just skip the email thing and go right to phone to see if we click.  that is what i am talking about! lol.
• thursday i am going to vegas for a girls weekend.  woo-fucking-hoo.  i will be drunk as a skunk before the plane leaves west palm beach if i have my way.   i am going with 3 of my closest friends.  trouble will be found.    on all my other weight loss efforts i always listed my 100 pound reward to be a trip to vegas.   at the time i did not have the friends i have now nor did i have ever have confidence that i would really lose that 100 pounds.   this trip is not about me or my weight loss...it really is just a getaway.   but i am doing it after losing over 160 pounds.
• yeah.  so i lost 160 pounds.  i need to fucking remember that.  i need to realize that i am a size 14 and not 30/32.  not sure when i will see it.   because i still think i am carrying around all that weight.  i still think i am big.   i still feel like the biggest person in the room at all times.   even as i sit here and type this in my regular size large pajamas that are kind of loose on me, i still feel 373.  it is my scarlet letter.  part of this is the mindfuck crap that comes with the surgery.  but part of it is all the skin i carry around.  no word on plastic surgery yet.   i am going to bug them again tomorrow if i can get a moment alone.  as much work i have done in therapy, you would think i would be in a good place with this... i am not.  i can't see myself for who i really am now.  i don't see what others see.
• last night was a big celebration for a group i am involved in.  i was the MC.  i was heckled by a drunk friend.  she kept saying how good i looked.  i told someone to sit on her and shut her up (lol) and she kept going on and on and on about my body.  another woman i barely know and rarely see came over to me and told me she had heard how good i look now. and on and on and on with others too.  two of my brief exes were in the room.  one was very excited for me and genuinely nice.  but at the end of the night....160 lesbians in one room.  i had the spotlight on me for over 30 minutes as the MC and i went home feeling fat inside and out.  i really did.  i know i "heard" different...but i didn't feel different.   this fucking monkey has got to get off my back.  ugh.
• i am getting some of the rest of the 2cc i took out back in on tuesday.  i already have 1 cc and i think i am going to just take a half.
• did i mention lately i hate my body?  i hate the skin. the hanging.  the wrinkles.  i hate wearing spanx.  i want to scream at everyone who gives me a compliment YOU HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA THE GROSS SCIENCE EXPERIMENT UNDER THESE CLOTHES.  i hate my body.  hate it.
• i have not seen my therapist for 3 weeks and won't see her until thursday.  work schedule is preventing me not only from seeing her but going to support group too.  i am coming unglued.  (hence the bullet point above).

i can't put paragraph spaces in between the bullet points and it is driving me nuts.  this blog is too long.  it should really be eight different posts.  oh well.  i need to put these feelings out into the universe....

exhausted...

it is only tuesday but i am exhausted. i have done over 700 road miles for work this week already and probably 700 more by friday to come.

there is a lot i want to blog about but i am just too damned tired. everything from girl disappointment crap, to realizing last night when i hid and then devoured pork rinds that i really *am* an addict, to the attention i am getting for body at work to wondering if i may be happy just to be a size 14 forever and if that is really true or if i am giving up....

but i can't even begin to properly articulate any of those thoughts tonight....so instead i will just leave you with this picture of me today....as one guy said "well, that dress is one way to make sure your get your budget approved". lol. pigs. all of them. and i love it. lol. i didn't have to carry a bag, food plate or water bottle at all today. funny stuff. dumb boys! i may officially hate girls but i am still a dyke. lol.

if nothing else, i am going to send *this* picture to the insurance company to stress the need for breast reduction.  i guess i am dolly parton for halloween this year.  lol.  (in case you are keeping score...the dress is regular size 14.  $19.99. from Marshalls). 

back in the saddle...

I am officially back on the market in case you are keeping score on my "i hate girls" and "i am never dating again" rants....

ok.  i am not really back on the market and i still stand-by my feelings in this morning's blog but coincidentally as i was bawling to my friend's mom today about my pathetic dating life and stupid girls i got an email from someone off of my online dating profile.   i have not been on that site for a couple months, either.

some emotional evolution/food addiction crap that came up today....

part of the ongoing rant from my real life friends is that they feel in some regard that it is going to be hard for me to find someone on my "level".  nice compliment, i guess, but depresses the heck out of someone who has always been "other" her whole life.   the gay girl in our high school gang.   the fat girl in *every* gang.  the loud girl in every room (so you wouldn't notice how fat i was).  the smart one in my druggie gang.  the jewish one.  the over-educated over-employed one. the only woman on a work team of men (oh, you want to talk about "otherness"....).   i don't want to be on a different level anymore.  i don't want to be unique, other or special.  i just want to blend in and be like everyone else.  i really do, sometimes.

the other thing is that i got some good faith advice to look at the bright side.   the problem is...looking at the bright side for the past 20 years got me to 373.   got me into this convoluted enmeshment crap with my parents.   got me to where i am today...38 fucking years old and can't deal with bumps in the road because i have spent 20 or more years avoiding reality and getting intoxicated on macaroni and cheese.   so, no.  today i won't look at the bright side.  today i will deal with reality.  i will feel my feelings. i will talk about my feelings.   but i won't eat my feelings.  i will be angry.  how fucking dare SHE think it is ok to text me 3 hours after we planned to get together.  

we'll see what comes of today's chick.  we actually have had a couple emails back and forth already today.  she is cute.  she is a professional with major professional goals in the near future.  she comes across as smart and quick witted.   and if nothing else, she too talks about her love of red wine in her profile.  lol.   we'll see.....but i am not ready to give up my membership in the girl hater club yet nor my spot on the i am never dating again bench. 

Officially off the market....

disclaimer: 1. due to unfortunate circumstances the real life person i am venting about here may have access to my blog.  at the risk of hurting someone else's feelings, i need to use MY blog.  i hate that my blog was shared with others without my permission.  but going two weeks since the breech took place and not being able to process my feelings about real life stuff here just sucks so i am taking care of MYSELF and others can just deal.  (the breech still sucks, though).  2.  amy w.  nothing in this post applies to you, my sweetness.   my astronaut diapers stand willing and able the minute you drop that bitch heather.

i am done dating.   no, i have NOT found the love of my life.  i hate girls, women and ladies.   i am fucking done.

it is too much work. and dating means you have to make yourself and your feeling vulnerable and i just.don't.want.to.do.it.anymore.  

a couple weeks ago i got an email from the woman that i have gone on a couple dates with recently.  she wanted to know what i was looking for and i guess some clarity on us.  she was very apologetic throughout the email for asking these questions.  i was in disney when i got the email.  i quickly responded from my phone that it was a great email and i would respond from home at a real computer.  i didn't want her to feel any more vulnerable than she already did with the email, so i quickly recognized her feelings.

when i got home i wrote her a long email.   part of what i have worked on with The Therapist™ is dating with more integrity.  i have been known as a love (really, fuck) em and leave em type girl.  part of that, we know was related to the weight thing.   of course there are those real instances where i really do love them....but in between finding those gems... i wasn't very honorable.   so i wrote her this looooooooooooong email and told her what i was looking for.   i also wrote this:

I also have committed to changing not only my body but also my mind. I don't want to be one of those people who gains back all their weight in a couple years. And because of that, because of learning a lot about my new self and my feelings -- i don't know how much I can emotionally commit to a relationship. again... that is today. potentially tomorrow i may realize i am ready or that i already have emotionally committed.



the other issue related to the weight loss that i think can hold me back a little is that you don't lose 150 (will be 200 pounds lost at the end of this) with your body looking "nice" under your clothes. so i think, for the first time in my life, i am experiencing some hesitation about my body and other seeing it. that being said, a physical sexual connection is something that is very important to me when i am with someone.

do you know what her response was?  nothing.  not a fucking word.    what does that make me want to do?  not be open.  not share.  not put MYSELF out there anymore.   in the time since this email she sends me very affectionate emails and texts.  tells me she wants me to go on a trip to central florida with her to meet her sister, etc.      i asked her last week what she thought of my email and she told me she would respond when she had time.  whatever.   i immediately reassure YOU but you don't have time to acknowledge me? 

and then comes the date cancelling.  thursday was for work.  i need to work on trusting people, so i will believe her.  maybe.  but last night was the dealbreaker for me.   she told me she had a family event to go to at 6 but only planned on staying for 2 hours.  our plans, as confirmed up until 4 in the afternoon, were that she would call me when she leaves and come over to my place since i did not have a babysitter.   9,10,11.  no call.   i doze off waiting for saturday night live and wake up at 11:45.  there was a TEXT (i am so not a fucking texter) at 11:25 telling me she was still there and too buzzed to drive over.   why did she drink to the point of buzzing?  why did she not check in between 8 and 9 if teh night was going in a different direction since that was our planned get together time?  the list of whys can go on and on and on.  but honestly, the wall has gone up.   the bridge has been lifted across the moat.   i am going back to my comfort zone.  

my friends say i will meet the perfect person for me.  i don't believe that person exists for me.   either they are planning on spending my paycheck and moving in after the first date or they can't even commit to dating like normal people.   sooner or later, i have to wonder what is wrong with me.  really.  not a pity party.  but the truth.  

done.  fucking done.

lazy day...

i got a fill yesterday.  1 cc of the 2 they took out back in.  not sure if i have full restriction.  if i don't, i will go back in on the 13th for another half.   i definitely know i was too tight before regardless of the popcorn.  i also made my one year band anniversary appointment for november 9th.   i will see the actual surgeon for that appointment and not the PA who i have grown very close with. 

so the other night i decided to go to barnes and noble and whole foods.   BUT until i pulled into the parking lot i totally forgot that a new Nordstrom Rack (Nordstrom outlet) had opened up in the same shopping center.   needless to say...an hour and half later you would not have known i just paid my american express bill the day before....actually i only spent $84 dollars on a dress, spanx tights and a pair of shoes.   not bad considering the cost at Nordstrom for these three items would have been close to $300.    but the retail therapy was great.

funny thing is that gen's comment about voting for starbucks came in on my phone while i was in the dressing room and i thought "oh, gen, you of all people would agree that i made a wise choice to go to nordsrtoms!".  lol.  

i did run into whole foods and got my soup for yesterday.   i heart their lobster bisque (yadda, yadda, yadda). 

i tried on some bras when i was there.  nice bras.   for the first time probably since 5th grade i was wearing a bra with only two clasps in the back!  how cool is that?  i chose not to buy the bras though because i am putting my positive energy out there for the breast reduction SOON.   speaking of which i called the surgeon on wednesday to see what was going on with the insurance approval.   the woman who knew was not in until thursday.  forgot to call thursday.  so friday i called the insurance pre-certification line and they had no submittal.  WHAT?!?!?!  i hoping i remember to call the surgeon's office next week in between all my work craziness to find out what is really going on.  i am not above finding another surgeon.

so speaking of work...i think i have all my childcare coverages in order for the next two weeks.  there is only one night where i have no one so i am going to take the princess with me.  i have a friend in this particular community and i may just drop the princess off at her house because she wouldn't even notice one more (she has TEN kids....all foster/adoptees) or just take the princess with me to the meeting and put her in the back of the meeting with a dvd and headphones.   i will never ever ever ever regret my chosen life as a solo parent nor do i think right now i am the type to go all domestic with someone else....but it is times like this it would be nice to have another person around the house in a co-parent role.   but then again....lol...

i have a lot of narcissistic expectations about the next two weeks.  i will be seeing community members that i don't see often and i am hoping for a lot of positive feedback.

it is a beautiful day in south florida.   i am actually sitting outside on the patio right now.  there are 13 places one's ass could sit on this patio.   this includes chairs, ottomans, a kid's picnic table and a lounge chair.   right now there are four tushies on the lounge chair....me with my laptop, the cocker spaniel, the chihuahua and the princess.  seriously?  lol.   i'd get up and get my camera to take a picture but they all look so comfy and cute so i don't want to disturb them.

My shopping cart.....

Got a fill. I'm on liquids the next couple of days.  Just satin.