when the fantasy is killed by reality....

so.... i have spent the last year and half getting healthy.     two years ago a relationship ended.  she was *supposed* to be "the one" and has been in my heart all this time as The One Who Got Away™ (TOWGA™).    she is the only woman i have dated/met in the last 10 years or so that has been "on my level".  she works in city government management.   she is mature.  beautiful.   nice.  smart.  when the princess was 3 years old the princess was the back seat of the car one day when the 3 of us went out and the princess said "mommy, is TOWGA™ your *other person*?"   even the princess understood our connection.   but she got away.    both of our hearts broke.  but we just could not get it right.   according to her i had too many walls up (hello, 200 pounds of extra weight). 

i have thought about her many many many times over the last 2 years --- and more specifically since my surgery.   wondering "what if".... there was sporadic communication.   she made it clear she was with someone.

so.....when i got my new job i wanted to tell her first.   she, of all people, would understand the monumental career shift for me to not only take the next step in my career...but in a gay city.   so....i emailed her.   and that started a 3 week friendly, but reserved email communication....until...until... i got the drunken email confession.    there have been more confessions since then.  from both of us.   she is going through some stuff right now and i really want to get out of this 197-201 mindfuck.   so we agreed to keep it platonic and limit communication to email right now.      but we both wanted to keep communication open and going while we both work on our own shit.

in the course of the communication i have come to the realization that while i have spent the last 18 months improving my life and getting healthy she has, in a proverbial sense, done the exact opposite.   some bad choices and unhealthy events.  

and it breaks my heart.   because the more we get reacquainted the more i realize that my new consciousness about myself and awareness of codependents and the damage they can cause in my addiction process.... the more i realize that we can never be together.   i don't want to talk to much about what is going in her life (you know, because lord knows who is reading this....)  but i know in my heart of hearts that barring some intense healing for her over a very long time that we can never ever ever be together.  

she told me she loves me.   i know i have always loved her.   and i can't let her in.  i can't let her unhealthy behavior in my heart because i can not let it lead to me sabotaging my life.

part of me typing this out tonight is to "tell on" myself.   to hold myself accountable.  so when i come back here one day and say that we are back together there will be someone who will tell me to run in the other direction.  because really, i need to run.  but i am scared i won't. 

when the fantasy is not reality....it really really really really fucking sucks.

being an addict....a response to your comments

i guess this is part 2 of the judgemental blog....  yes.  i am an addict.  i agree.  i am addicted to eat/coping through food.   not just coping with bad things...coping with life in general.

the last session i had with My Therapist we talked about how i feel like the "weight loss" part of my mental health journey is pretty much in control and how i really want to dive into the addict stuff.   we talked about how i often think throughout the day "holy shit.  i am an addict".   as an aside she suggested accupuncture.   i still need to find time to look into that.

when i meet with My New Therapist on friday i think i am really going to talk to her about the addict stuff.

when i got the comments to my last blog in my email they each came right.at.the.right.moment.   when i was questioning myself and my boundaries.  when i was about to give in to the woman "suggesting" that instead of us meeting for coffee the other night she "just come over" to my house.  i have kindly, and without saying much about my boundaries yet, put her on hold until i get my head on a little more straight (ha!) with the thoughts of my addiction and her condition.

i think the comments i received were so helpful and spot on i wanted to respond and explore them here...

from DiZneDiVa /Maria
It's is hard hearing people say that they are comfortable with the weight they're at or comfortable with their bodies... When you've been there and know it's not true. I don't think you should not date someone because of their weight but you need to do what's best for you and dating someone with weight issues currently, maybe cause a relapse for you like any addict. Addicts are told not to date fellow addicts. It may be good for her to date you, see how you eat and change her own habits but I wouldn't want you to get too involved and end up getting hurt when you realize the relationship is causing you more harm then good. I was 475 pounds... so I know the emotional torment that comes from that.

my thoughts: yes, maria.  you are right.  i am an addict and i need to function as one in EVERY aspect of my life .   your response was first and it helped validate me and and nudge me that it is "ok" to identify as an addict. 

Marie said...

Good post. I do think you need to think about your boundaries and how dating someone who is obese affects you. You want to lead a healthy lifestyle and does this person want to do the same? I know that is important to me in finding someone to have a relationship with. This lifestyle is just that - a lifestyle and we have worked so hard to get the weight off. Being with a partner who helps us with these goals is very important. Good luck!!!

my thoughts:  boundaries.  my boundaries.  i need to think about my boundaries more consciously.  thank you.

amandakiska said...

This would be really hard for me. I've always been a bit of a "chubby chaser" myself, but I have changed so much and I'd be afraid that my healthy habits would be de-railed by associating with someone who has such different priorities.

my thoughts:  i am not even a "chubby chaser".  my type usually is very good girl types or girls who pretty much have men falling over hemselves to get to. but i definitely like a nice body with appropriate curves. always have. always will.  in college i dated the girls that the guys were gaga about.  the last night in the dorms senior year i got an earful about that from some drunk frat guys.  after years of them being asses and homophobes to me they actually were less homophobic when one of them said "man, you always get the hot chicks.  can you teach us your tricks?"  he was drunk and being actually kind of nice.  but i wasn't so nice.  lol.  oh well. 


but i digress....i am not even a chubby chaser...and i am not physcially attractive to her at all.  so why i am even going along with this?  HMMMMM.....either my underlying driving need to "win" people or i am lonely.  worth exploring.  i think i know the answer is loneliness.  talked about it in therapy last week.  thanks.

Bonnie said...
You've made a lot of great points. It's amazing how far you've come physically and emotionally.

my thoughts:  thank you, mama.   sometimes i feel so lost and alone.  thanks for the vote of confidence. 

Theresa aka Tessie Rose said...

Great post!

my thoughts:  thank you for getting me.  just not now.  but always.  and for challenging me with your blog, as well.

Read said...
On the dating thing - all the things that worry you would totally worry me too. I'd want to be really careful even if that meant being overly careful. I'd want to honestly and frankly 'checking in' with myself on a very regular basis. Is this still okay with me - for me. Is this healthy for me, is this doing good things for my self esteem and outlook on life. You'll know when it's not the right thing. Until then good luck and I hope you're having fun.

my thoughts:  i think the "checking in" is a very good point.  in the beginning of this journey we focus so much on mindless eating and i think this part of the journey is really about avoiding mindless living.   not look for exterior validation of my body or stimulation but really checking in with our insides on the affects of our choices. 

Gen said...
Wow I think it would be so complicated to date someone with serious weight issues. All the things you are thinking - I would be thinking too. I like Read's answer - keep checking in with yourself to be sure its okay with your emotional health and the progress you have made so far.

my thoughts:  thanks, gen.  i think i needed to hear it was ok to say out loud to myself that i am not ok with dating someone who is obese. 

Karen said..
I'm wondering how you feel about the person you're dating? I mean, are you as into her as she is into you? That could well be the determining factor as to whether it's worth the extra mental effort on your part NOT to fall back into 'comfortable' habits of over-eating, since she's "ok" with it.

my thoughts:  the truth is NO.  i am not into her as she is into me.  i am not attractive to her physically, yet she emails me all the time that she is attracted to me physically.   dating women is a lot different than dating men.  most women want to go right into the relationship and she is already doing stuff like that.  i am a dater.   yesterday i was even reflecting back to a conversation we had were she asked me -- in kind of a hesitant way -- "you date a lot of women?"   i told her i like to go on dates and meet people.   she told me she has only had four "relationships".    big difference and i need to hear that better when it is said.   she is much more close, familiar and intimate in her communication with me than i am with her.   women also do something that i have been told men do not do...which is they like to set ground rules early on..."when i am with someone i tend to tell them they are beautiful everyday".  "i am ALWAY blah blah blah in my relationships".   i am not like that.  each relationship is different for me.  i can not perdict how i will be. 

Carmen said...
it is hard not to be judgemental, especially when we know that there are options....

as far as dating someone who is "fat" while trying to change your life with the band, that is REALLY hard. my bf had bypass a few years before i met him and has put back on 75+ lbs since we've been together. spending time with someone who isn't on the same track eating wise or activity wise is difficult, it makes it so much easier to slip back into bad habits.


you are in a good place, so.....AWARE. do all you can to stay (or go further ahead) where you are, not backslide...

my thoughts:  THANK YOU. i know you are dealing with some of this in real-time so i appreciate your honesty.   on being "AWARE"... yeah, it is a good place to be but it can be so tiring and hard.   i just want the ability, some days, to put my guard down, go with the flow AND have everything be ok in the end.  insert underlying control freak issues here....lol 

thank you so much for all your comments.  you really helped me.  i am either going to take this woman to the friend zone or nothing.   one of the things we talked about in therapy last week was me add things ONLY of value to my all ready full life and eliminating those that are toxic or no value.     i think i know where i stand with this woman.

being judgemental

so...last night i was watching Heavy on A&E.   i was enjoying this show a lot but notice that the format is getting old for me....same ole same ole.    so i hate to admit this, but i was secretly pleased to see the woman last night left her husband...just because it shook things up a little on the show's format.  i also think, in all seriousness, that her revelations about their relationship throughout the show were very on par with some of the emotional journey stuff we face in our extreme weight loss.  

but more to the point of this post...when they were introducing the woman last night and she was talking about having to sleep in a chair, not being intimate with her newlywed husband, etc.  i actually stopped in front of the TV and said to myself pretty clearly "my god, woman, how did you let it get this bad?".   WHOA!  who am i to judge?   she weighed in at 435.   my known highest is only about 50-60 pounds more than her.  WHO AM I TO JUDGE?   i felt bad about being so judgemental, but at the same time i noticed that my judgement was so detached and finite.

in my personal life, as i alluded to i met someone recently.  i am struggling with this one.   she is professional, a mom with a very similar "how i became a mom" story as me, nice, etc.    she is fat.   very fat.  lesbian comfort zone fat.    she also came across my "fat" pictures through a social group i am in that has old pictures of me on it from past events.   so she knows i had surgery.  and her response, like my own response for many years when i was on her side of the obesity table, was "i am very comfortable with my body".  

this scares me.    it scares me because i am stuck on the scale somewhere between 194 and 201.   it scares me because based on the feedback i get -- daily (ugh) -- i look good to others, i feel good and i look healthy and wear my current weight well.     i am worried that if i go out with a fat-positive woman i am going to justify staying this weight, or worse, gain weight.  i find myself judging her weight...questioning my attractiveness to her. of course, this is all muddied by the fact that she is very into me and pursuing my aggressively while i am trying to get my thoughts together.

but believe it, or not, these judgements are great...wonderful...amazing.... at least i think so....i think the judgement of the woman on TV last night was a major turning point for me in the "letting go" category.   once my enmeshment issues were identified in therapy one of the things i noticed is that i would be at random place
s, like disney, and see an obese person and instantly identify with them.  i had to work real hard with behavioral re-adjustment to think "heidi, that fat woman is over there and has nothing to do with you, your weight loss or how you look".    so for a "that woman" judgement to come so naturally to me... big time progress. 
 

i think the dating judgement is the same.    i think i am finally at a point where i am ready for healthy boundaries and to put myself first and not get confused by someone being really into me and just going along with it and regretting it.    (see previous so-called friend post for further proof).  

 

i am ok with being judgemental.  i am not out to hurt anyone unnecessarily  and have to stop worrying about that.   i am ready to take care of myself.  protect myself.  and stand firm in my established boundaries.

 

i am going to leave you with this blast from the past....me... at my highest.  in key west on a boat.  with my natural curly hair!!!!   and another of me at gay pride this weekend shoving food into my mouth.   the princess got her haircut that morning and blownout out straight.  

 

bench of reality....

i have blogged before about the "mirror of reality vs mirror of distortion".... this is my personal affliction that i still see my old self in the mirror and do not see what others see (reality) until i see a picture of myself.  until i am removed from the moment and reflecting back on it.

last night i was at a party that i frequent for parties.   i sat my sober (i swear i am going to lose these next 20 fast --- even if it means being sober) ass down on a bench.  ok.  so it is not a bench.  it is a plank of wood held up by two upside down 5-gallon buckets.   but it is the best seat in the house.  right by the door so you can see who shows up together and who sneaks off upstairs together.    while taking a picture with my friend, let's call her Kudy, last night it occurred to us two things...1.  Kudy and I sure do like to monopolize the bench and 2. my weight loss can be serialized through pictures of me and Kudy on this bench.

here is the bench of reality...

October 31, 2009 (Kudy was taking the picture)

Again, October 31, 2009 (Kudy still behind the camera)

April 17, 2010 -- Me and Kudy on the bench.  (it was a gender bending dress-up party.  she does not usually let her facial hair get so dark --lol)

April 17, 2010 -- earlier in the night in full costume.

June 19, 2010.   Kudy decided it was more important to visit family in the Midwest than sit on a bench with me.

                                                  December 11, 2010

one more time...

lest i get to full of myself here... i did get bitch slapped by a fat girl last night.   ok.  so i am bitter... she is someone i went on a couple dates with in the summer of 09.  then freaked out and disappeared.  i heard she was dating men after that.  and now she is back.  whatever.   so.... she was drunk last night and came over to talk.   and a real beanpole skinny friend walked by and she drunkenly leans into me and says: "you know what heidi, it doesn't matter how much weight we lose, we will never be that skinny."   fuck you, you fat stupid bitch.  i know she was drunk and trying to be friendly....but seriously?  you are going to try to bond with me over the fat thing?  first off, what is this "we" shit?  second off...i will...as far as i am concerned....i will be that skinny.  i was kind of pissed.  how dare she come over and bring her bad mojo to "my bench"... so i just smiled and told her that i planned to be that skinny after all my plastic surgery and that i am going to be Barbie.   then Kudy, M and I went back to our bench sitting and talked about working out while she just stood there.   like i said i am bitter.  i am over being a fat friend (that blog post has been swirling around in my head for months....).   there is so much more that i can on about...ugh.  but i just want to release it....but let me just say this....oh nevermind....stay tuned....lol.... because yeah...i hate lesbian drama, but i have a card was placed in my back pocket waiting to be played...

taking a break from the merri-go-round of life....

a lot  is going on.  yet nothing is going on.  i am not dating that woman anymore.   i think my quest for healthiness this past year has made me too sensitive to dealing with other people's unresolved shit.   the fun parts were definitely fun, but i am no place to deal with constant emotional antics and bullshit.   it has also made me realize that i really want to *just* date and not get involved in deep relationship stuff.  keep it on the surface and fun.   i always say this to women going into relationships and then i put my guard down on this issue and i grow to resent it.   i need to work on my role in that.  my life is so full.   i have everything i need.  all my boxes are full..... all i really want is distraction from my full life.

fortunately, this one was relatively short and i got out of it pretty unscathed.  (although there were some sad and mean moments....)  right now i am really looking forward to work slowing down beginning the week of the 13th and cruising along to the first week of january.   time to be a mom.  daughter.  friend.  me.  

hannukah starts tonight.   it is early this year -- which means by next wednesday i am DONE with the holidays.  woohoo.    many years ago when being a mom was only a hard to reach dream, i was working in a library and came across a book about "unplugging" the xmas tree and making xmas more about family than gifts or even religion.   i always thought that "when i have a baby...." that is what i would do.   and so i have.  the princess only gets one presents from me every hannukah and not the gazillion presents every night for 8 nights that i grew up with.   she does not get a toy or anything plastic.   this year, tonight, she will get a journal and special pencil so that she may start journaling every night about her day.   never fear, throughout the week she will be getting lots of presents from friends and family -- and that is ok too.   i figure i spoil her all year, that this time of year needs to be a special kind of spoiling from me -- one of hugs, kisses, family and quality time. 

from a lap-band perspective -- all is good.   i have good restriction but i am not too tight that i am hurting myself.   thanksgiving was a no-brainer.  just some turkey and a taste of gluten-free stuffing my mom makes just for me.   

i am working out twice a week with a personal trainer and really enjoying it.   i see this next phase of weight loss to really be one of deflation for me.   my stomach pouch, inner thighs and upper arms will continue to deflate and that is where the movement on the scale will come from.  

i have no idea what i weigh "officially". (and strangely, i don't care).   i just know i that my pants are falling off of me and i bought a size 12 skirt and wore regular size 14 jeans yesterday.  i have a scale that i now keep at my therapist's office -- but have not gotten on it for a while. perhaps my next visit in a couple weeks i will. i am beginning to see a thinner person in the mirror and not just in the pictures i take after the fact. i had this weird sensation this past saturday at disney...i felt "light". part of it is the working out -- but i felt light, agile, normal.

nothing is happening on the plastic surgery front right now.  i haven't even had the time to work on my medical necessity appeal.  but in the mean time i think my first surgery will be my arms.   the other day i was sitting at the table in a tank top writing something and i kept seeing something run across the room in my periphery vision.   it was not a critter....it was my arm shaking!!!!!!!!!  LOL.  i.swear.to.god.   i took this picture while i sat there laughing at my pathetic body.   it was such a funny moment.   so my goal is to save up the $4K i need to get my arms done and get them done by early spring so i will be healed by summer.    that means no disney cruise this year.   sigh.   but i really think it is worth it.  you can see how small my arms will be without the flaps.  lol.

i really miss blogging and reading and gaining inspiration from everyone's blog.  i know i say this everytime i reappear, but i really hope to get more regular again.   there are some things i really want to explore but always feel like i need to catch-up before i just lay them out there....

day 365

today is a day of reflection.   it is the last day of the first year of the rest of my life.  (geez....the tears are already flowing....).   tomorrow will be my one-year band anniversary.   

it really has been a couple weeks of reflection.  starting with a visit with Babbling Amy on October 29.   it was just wonderful.  we talked.  the kids played.  we sat in the hot tub.   we at AMAZING homemade broccoli ham cheddar soup.   we both talked about being "stuck" both on the scale and in our heads.   and we decided that our one-year anniversaries need not be "Day 366" but Day 1.   it is not the homestretch.  it is a new beginning.  for me, i have to lose 40 more pounds.  i have lost a gazillion this year....i *think* i can eeek out another 40.   seriously.  is 1/3 of what i have lost this year.   it is really 3-4 pounds a month over the next year.  sure, it is a step back from my rockstar 10 pounders....but not only totally doable--- but really realistic.  

i think know sometimes i get lost up in the big picture and forget to look around at the small moments.   as i typed the paragraph above i reminded myself that the first 80 pounds were lost on this journey in increments of 40.   time for me to step back and go back to the basics. 

i am training with a personal trainer twice a week.  she is the same lady that comes to my support group once a month.   four of us got together and she agreed to train with us at the same time for only $20 each per session.  it is great.  lots of one on one time.  she is helping me focus on my arms and belly.  

love life is divine.  i am definitely in the pre-stages of love.  she is just incredible.  i can't believe she is in my life.   we are really happy together.

i am still struggling with the mirror of distortion vs. the mirror of reality....so i share the following for my own reinforcement.

last year at Disney Halloween Party: 

this year.... (the princess is aerial and i am ursala from the little mermaid):

me at the grown-up halloween party last year:

me at the grown-up halloween party this year:

and so many NSVs in the last month it is sometime overwhelming.... i never really blogged in whole about vegas...so some NSVs from that trip and a report on buffet eating....

Vegas NSVs:

• i never got tired from walking.

• i danced on a bar.    in order to dance on a bar you need to climb up and down from the bar.  did that.   
•  sat on the floor of the airport.
• and i fucking ziplined down a street off the top of a 5 story building.  to do that one must get weighed.  i was waved on by by the lovely woman who stood guard at the scale.  the guy in front of me weighed in at 250 and was told he was right on the dot. 
• i shopped at Guess and bought myself two new items of clothing.  the young sales girl did not give me a funny look...instead she ran around the store picking out things she thought would look perfect on lil ole me.
• while in vegas i threw out a lot of the clothes i wore -- including all my pajamas because they were ridiculously big. 

(real quick on the buffets.... i was able to use my medical card at two buffets and pay the child's price...the M resort and the Rio....two of the nicer buffets i am told.  at our hotel the Freemont Hotel they would not allow a discount on the buffet but instead told me i could order and pay ala carte...bleech)

and here are some other NSVs....

• my personal trainer sees me as "advance" in what i can do.  i am the last person to have surgery in our group of four but she sees me as the one she can push because i don't have any "limitations".

• the hot woman i am dating stayed over the other night and did not have anything to wear the next day...so she pulled a pair of pants and a sweater out of my closet and wore them.  she is a perfect womanly size 12.  the pants were regular size 14s. Sweater was INC large.  sweater was perfect on her, pants were a little baggy.  to think i have a girlfriend who can wear my clothes....strange.   awesome.

• i wore a size 12 old navy denin skirt yesterday. 

• it feels like of cruel saying this...but it *was* one of my goals... i am NOT the fattest mom in my daughter's kindergarten class.

the jimmy buffett song "lovely cruise" has been in my head all morning.   if you don't know it...google it...listen to it... you need the tune to understand the words....i shall leave you with the lyrics as my final thoughts on this past year....because, really,  those harbor lights....they're coming into view

 

 

Drink it up

 

This ones for you

 

It's been a lovely cruise

 

I'm sorry it's ended

 

It's sad but it's true

 

Honey it's been a lovely cruise

 

 

 

These moments were left with

 

May you always remember

 

These moments are shared by few

 

There's wind in our hair

 

And there's water in our shoes

 

Honey, it's been a lovely cruise

 

 

 

These moments we're left with

 

May you always remember

 

These moments are shared by few

 

And those harbor lights

 

Aw they're coming into view

 

We bid our farewell much too soon

 

So drink it up

 

This one's for you

 

Honey, it's been a lovely cruise

 

Yea baby, it's been a lovely cruise

 

Oh darlin' it's been a lovely cruise

 

 

 



Officially off the market....

disclaimer: 1. due to unfortunate circumstances the real life person i am venting about here may have access to my blog.  at the risk of hurting someone else's feelings, i need to use MY blog.  i hate that my blog was shared with others without my permission.  but going two weeks since the breech took place and not being able to process my feelings about real life stuff here just sucks so i am taking care of MYSELF and others can just deal.  (the breech still sucks, though).  2.  amy w.  nothing in this post applies to you, my sweetness.   my astronaut diapers stand willing and able the minute you drop that bitch heather.

i am done dating.   no, i have NOT found the love of my life.  i hate girls, women and ladies.   i am fucking done.

it is too much work. and dating means you have to make yourself and your feeling vulnerable and i just.don't.want.to.do.it.anymore.  

a couple weeks ago i got an email from the woman that i have gone on a couple dates with recently.  she wanted to know what i was looking for and i guess some clarity on us.  she was very apologetic throughout the email for asking these questions.  i was in disney when i got the email.  i quickly responded from my phone that it was a great email and i would respond from home at a real computer.  i didn't want her to feel any more vulnerable than she already did with the email, so i quickly recognized her feelings.

when i got home i wrote her a long email.   part of what i have worked on with The Therapist™ is dating with more integrity.  i have been known as a love (really, fuck) em and leave em type girl.  part of that, we know was related to the weight thing.   of course there are those real instances where i really do love them....but in between finding those gems... i wasn't very honorable.   so i wrote her this looooooooooooong email and told her what i was looking for.   i also wrote this:

I also have committed to changing not only my body but also my mind. I don't want to be one of those people who gains back all their weight in a couple years. And because of that, because of learning a lot about my new self and my feelings -- i don't know how much I can emotionally commit to a relationship. again... that is today. potentially tomorrow i may realize i am ready or that i already have emotionally committed.



the other issue related to the weight loss that i think can hold me back a little is that you don't lose 150 (will be 200 pounds lost at the end of this) with your body looking "nice" under your clothes. so i think, for the first time in my life, i am experiencing some hesitation about my body and other seeing it. that being said, a physical sexual connection is something that is very important to me when i am with someone.

do you know what her response was?  nothing.  not a fucking word.    what does that make me want to do?  not be open.  not share.  not put MYSELF out there anymore.   in the time since this email she sends me very affectionate emails and texts.  tells me she wants me to go on a trip to central florida with her to meet her sister, etc.      i asked her last week what she thought of my email and she told me she would respond when she had time.  whatever.   i immediately reassure YOU but you don't have time to acknowledge me? 

and then comes the date cancelling.  thursday was for work.  i need to work on trusting people, so i will believe her.  maybe.  but last night was the dealbreaker for me.   she told me she had a family event to go to at 6 but only planned on staying for 2 hours.  our plans, as confirmed up until 4 in the afternoon, were that she would call me when she leaves and come over to my place since i did not have a babysitter.   9,10,11.  no call.   i doze off waiting for saturday night live and wake up at 11:45.  there was a TEXT (i am so not a fucking texter) at 11:25 telling me she was still there and too buzzed to drive over.   why did she drink to the point of buzzing?  why did she not check in between 8 and 9 if teh night was going in a different direction since that was our planned get together time?  the list of whys can go on and on and on.  but honestly, the wall has gone up.   the bridge has been lifted across the moat.   i am going back to my comfort zone.  

my friends say i will meet the perfect person for me.  i don't believe that person exists for me.   either they are planning on spending my paycheck and moving in after the first date or they can't even commit to dating like normal people.   sooner or later, i have to wonder what is wrong with me.  really.  not a pity party.  but the truth.  

done.  fucking done.

new boobs, new boots and a cute waitress

this is going to be quick and dirty....because i can barely sit up straight from the excruciating pain in my back.

my birthday in bullet points:

• surgeon thinks he can get insurance to cover my breast reduction and the cutting off of my stomach apron (i forget the medical term...starts with "P").  
• i would then cover the minor "tummy tuck" part since my insurance will be paying for the anesthesia, etc.    the tummy tuck will pull everything tight.  and then maybe Amy W. will leave Heather for my killer abs.  whatevah.
• he showed me pics of someone who had deflated and long hanging boobs like me.   she now has a nice perky C cup.  i can totally live with that after years of lying about being a DDD when i am really bigger.
• he is willing to break his "3 months" after goal weight rule for me.  i could barely sit unsupported on the exam table because my back hurt so bad this morning.    he wants to get close to my one year lap band anniversary date at the very least.
• insurance could take up to a month to approve.   then you usually get a 3 month time frame for the approval.  this puts me close to my november anniversary --- so the good lord willing and the crick don't rise i could be "fixed" anywhere from thanksgiving to xmas.
• my arms and thighs need to completely deflate (3 months after goal) before he will do them.
• i like the idea of a surgically conservative plastic surgeon.   his office is close to south beach and i think he is a rarity in this arena.
• he got me an appointment with his brother the chiropractor tomorrow.  which will help with this pain that left me in tears in the bloomingdales dressing room tonight and help with insurance documentation.
• once he saw a picture of the princess he started talking about making an arranged marriage for his 7 year old boy and her.  funny.
• he got chocked up.  silent.  disbelief when he saw my "before" picture.  when i could finally speak he said "you and Dr. Bass saved your life".
• my upper staff took me to PF Changs for lunch today.   our waitress was gorgeous.  like a perfect mix between betty page and veronica lodge (archie comics).   gorgeous.  silver eyes.  black curly hair.   red lips.  i think i am going to PF Changs again next week.  lol.  without the staff.  lol. 
• staff got me a disney gift card for my birthday.   they do it every year and every year i am thrilled.
• my boss and his staff gave me a surprise hello kitty cake at the office.   lol.
• spent the evening at the mall with the princess.  i went on a major shopping spree.  the new DKNY perfume i have wanted.  three new sweaters, a shirt and a dress and new brown boots.   shopping therapy.  needed it.

and finally, i had a major emotional freakout and breakdown today.  i will address it another day here.  i need to get it out.  long story short...if i am going to blog about new beginnings and coping skills ---- i might want to read my own blog and learn from it.   if i am going to talk about honesty and integrity i may want to consider not trying to control the access to that honesty.   if i am going to bust my ass all year to make it to my 38th birthday i may want to act like i am 38 and not 14. 

and one more thing... i just need to get this out.  the pain is overwhelming.   last month i could walk the mall for FOUR hours, if not more.  tonight i could barely do 2 hours.  these last 20 pounds have pushed my body to this place of pain.   here it goes:  i did not lose 160 FUCKIN pounds to be almost crippled by the end of the day and to have to avoid certain fashion styles because of my skin.  whew.  done.  thanks.

good night.  sweet dreams.  i am off to pop a pain killer.

there are worst things i could do....

than kiss a girl or two....  (ok, my own tweak to Rizzo's solo song in Grease)....

i know the picture is horrible quality but you get the gist of my outfit.  woo hoo.  it is also my "farewell to fat stores" outfit.  the top is a 14/16 from Avenue.   the skirt is a size 16 from Old Navy.   i think i am officially done with fat stores now.

the Grease Singalong was AWESOME.  totally recommend it if it is in your town.   there were actually a lot of moms with kids there.   unfortunately, it is only here in town thursday, friday and saturday and  the princess and i have plans each night or else i would TOTALLY take the princess.  (we are going to see ringo starr with my parents and their friends thursday night!)

we jumped up and did Grease Lightning, Hand Jive and We Go Together.  some of the audience danced -- but not so much.  it was kind of weird because the entire audience did belt out the Stranded at the Drivein song.    kind of weird for *that* of all songs to get the most participation.

the date went really well.   we had a great time.   i am really trying to stay in the moment with this dating stuff and not choose between any of the bachlorettes or not avail myself to more bachelorettes.  this is totally the "summer of heidi".   

last night bachelorette #2 gave me a nice compliment.  during the week while i was at work meetings i we were sending text pictures back and forth and last night she told me that i "look great" and that all the pictures she has seen of me do not do me "justice".    it is kind of weird right now to take flat out compliments.  but in an effort to live in the moment i am making sure i pause and give thanks when the compliment is received -- as opposed to some stupid uncomfortable joke i have done the last 20 years.  (wow, that sentence was kind of "exposing"...but i will leave it in....).   

and not to share too many sordid details...it was kind of weird to let someone feel/see my flappy body at this point.  until all the flaps melt away or i have major plastic surgery -- i will always maintain that i was more comfortable with someone seeing/feeling my large ample body than i am with my shrunken deflated body right now.    she didn't mind...lol...so i will go with it....

good stuff all around...

while yesterday was the least amount lost at a monthly weigh-in...it really wasn't that bad.   i lost 6 pounds this month.  for a total of 84 since surgery and 145 since my known highest.  it was also the eight month anniversary of my band! 

i am pretty psyched to be 16 pounds from losing 100.   while, like most of us, i have lost 100 pounds many time over in my life...never to my knowledge in one direct journey.  even the 60 pounds lost before surgery took over 3 years and did not amount to 100!     and now to be at the point where i *only* have 60 pounds to lose.  a-fucking- mazing.

it is also the first time in 20 years -- since i was a freshwomyn (kidding  on the spelling-- i am not *that* much of a feminist) in college -- that i have weighed in the 220s.   228 to be exact.

ever since the ziggy the chihuahua boob flappin', pants falling down all over the neighborhood debacle i have been on a quest for new pajamas.  i picked up a pair at TJ Maxx yesterday.  they were a 1X.  didn't think i needed to try them on.  in fact, i thought they may be too tight and i may have to hold onto them for a while.   nope.   when i got home and put them on last night they were too big.  

i was talking to my mom about it this morning and she agrees....no more lane bryants.  no more avenue.  i need to go store exploring.  you would think a clothes whore like me would be chomping at the bit.  but i am not.  i don't know why.  i have already found my comfort zone at Old Navy.  but i know i need to go beyond that.  

my mom suggested i start with Macy's.  of course, i still have 60 pounds to lose so i don't want to go crazy shopping.   it will all work out, i know... but as others have said recently, it is kind of weird to say goodbye to my shopping comfort zone after 25 years.   i am sure i am not the only one here who's first job in retail was in a lane bryant...

i spent this morning cleaning out my camper and preparing it for our summer camping.   oh.my.god.  i was done in an hour and half -- what usually takes me 3.  i was so comfortable moving around, getting on my knees, standing on things to reach up high.   can't wait to camp in my new body.

tonight is my first date with bachlorette #2.  we are going to the Grease Singalong.   i am sooooooooo Rizzo.   will try to take a picture before i go for you all. 

have a great night!  i know i will!

like i could *ever* be in the closet....

i was back in tampa this week for work.   part of the trip was a site visit out to my favorite project.   as all the sissy old straight men climbed into the air conditioned truck, i grabbed the gator (cross between a golf cart and an atv and great for off roading) and the new guy and decided to see the natural side of florida the RIGHT way.   it was so much fun.   we rode around about 800 acres for a couple hours.  got up close with some cows (real picture to the right) and even came across some wild hogs.   fun, fun.

before i went to tampa i had a meet and greet/date with bachelorette#1.    it went really well.   we met up at a starbucks and talked for a couple hours.  we mostly talked about books -- which is such an aphrodisiac to this geek.    i did come out to her about the surgery.   what happened was...my surgeon's office had an open house earlier in the evening for the new bariatric support center they opened up.  it is a satellite office to meet with the nutritionist, buy bariatric specific shakes and vitamins and where we will hold our support group meetings in the near future.  very nice.  so i told bachelorette #1 over the phone that i was going to an open house at my doctor's and i would see her after that.   i am a very bad liar.  i wouldn't even say that... i just lack a filter about the truth and real world that i don't think to lie or bend the truth.  so of course, once we met she was kind of curious of why i would go to an open house at my doctor's.... so i told her what kind of doctor it was and just explained that i am very involved in the office going-ons because of support group and it is important to me.   it went over so naturally and casually.   she mentioned that she had a friend who had bypass surgery and gained a lot back "because she didn't have support".  (does anyone else find themselves being told a lot by others about all the people they know who "failed" at this?  i don't think it is mean spirited...i just don't think people realize that even us successful folks live with an eternal fear of "diet failure"...).  she did ask me how much i lost -- i told her 140 told and about 80 since surgery --- but i was able to find my filter and NOT pull out my 373 picture on my first date.  lol.

bachelorette #2 --- who i am meeting on saturday but have been talking to on the phone -- also knows.   we were talking and she asked me why i was single for so long.  i mean, seriously, i could understand that curiosity...she has this fabulous skinny bitch on the phone and it just doesn't make sense...lol...kidding.    so i told her that i put myself on a hiatus while i focused on myself after weight loss surgery.   i knew she would most likely be ok with it since earlier in the conversation we had already established that we BOTH had dated the woman i mentioned in a previous post who had weight loss surgery.   (the jewish lesbian dating pool is very small at times).    she was more than ok with it and gave me a congratulations.   she has also been sending me flirty emails all week after this conversation...so i have a feeling she is ok with this.   

it was also funny to be asked by her how current my pictures were in my online profile and to be able to tell her that they were from about 2 months ago and i weigh 20 pounds less.   you don't know how many people post pictures from 1993 in their profiles....

so everybody knows.  nobody cares.  typical narcissist letdown for me.  lol. 

tomorrow is my 8th month post-op check-up.  EIGHT MONTHS.  just crazy.  i have a feeling that this weigh-in will be below the 10 pound a month mark.   and i am already prepared to be ok with it.  i have needed a slight fill for about two weeks but have not gone on purpose.  three weeks ago i was having a lot of visceral tightness due to stress while i was in north carolina for work.   three days straight of throwing up every meal.   so i wanted to give my band some time to heal.  then with the mid-week tampa trips last week and this week i did not want to travel and be caught out of town with tightness again since the tampa trips include a lot of community dinners and me presenting to large crowds. and running out of the room or away from a table from elected official to throw up was not an option.  so...i am giving myself this past month as a "break" and look forward to be back on track by 9:30 tomorrow morning.   i just need a smidge...

coming out of the other kind of closet

i have a kind of/sort of date on tuesday.  (yay!)  it is someone i met online and since we are going to meet at a starbucks it is really more of a meet and greet than a date....but....i am wondering "when" in my dating (because i plan to do a lot of it) do i mention the surgery and ongoing weight loss?

i am totally open about the surgery in every other aspect of my life.   i offer up that information to anyone who asks or don't asks.   but what about a date?   before we meet?   the first meet?  down the road?  and how?  i just don't know and any advice or experience is appreciated.

my only experience with this is on the receiving end.  a couple years ago i went out with someone who had previously had bypass surgery.  ("wilma" for my real life friends).  it was actually also a meet and greet at a starbucks and we hit it off and decided to leave starbucks and go for sushi.  she allowed me to order first and i ordered what a typical women over 300 pounds does -- 2 or 3 different rolls.   she ordered a small maki roll.   and after the waiter walked off she told me she could not eat a lot because she had surgery.   of course all *my* far insecurities came rushing to me and i felt duped.  like a big fat pig on display.  of course, i didn't say that and she didn't seem to mind since the next few times we did go out it was to eat.   but i think she was a "feeder" since she  she also left baked goods at my house a couple times while i was at work.  

anyhoo... i just remember feeling very self-conscious and, like i said, a little deceived after i ordered all that sushi and i don't want to make anyone ever feel that way.   and the woman who i am seeing on tuesday identifies herself as a "few extra pounds".   sure, i shouldn't assume she will feel insecure.   but i just don't know what to do and when.  i was thinking of just bringing it up casually at starbucks in the context of bike riding, etc.  

and, of course, part of this is my vain inner skinny bitch wanting to scream "i don't really look like this.   this is just a step on the downward staircase of my weight"!!!!!

what to do?  what to do?

celebrating mother's day...

and working on discovering my inner MILF.   i started this journey telling you i was doing this for my daughter and only her.  they i decided i was doing it *really* to be a skinny bitch.   but here on mother's day 2010...i am proclaiming to the world that my weight loss goal is not be a better mom, sit in a kindergarten chair, be a skinny bitch or even be healthy.  my weight loss goal is to be a MILF.  ;-)

the princess is a frickin mood today.  took her to the dog park and playground and she had major meltdowns.   came home.   told her to go to her room for a time out/rest and she slammed her door (the first time) and screamed at me she was moving away because i am the.worst.mom.ever.  lol

so in light of that i am blogging, cruising the net and having a grand ole time on mother's day being ignored.  for real!

prior to all the drama we actually had some fun taking "fashion girl" pictures.

yes, i "let" the princess go out in public wearing an undershirt, butterfly tights and a yellow tutu.

father's day 2006.  siz 5x outfit out of a catalog.

mother's day 2010.  size 18 (not plus 18) head to toe.

Happy Mother's Day to all the Skinny Moms out there....

Chicago -- No Dice

so...it has been a busy week at work and in life in general. 

because i am a solo-parent, all my independent travel depends on my parents' ability to watch the princess.  it usually works out.  ironically, they have a professional event in the keys the same weekend of the BOOBS chicago trip...while i can scramble and take my babysitter or a friend to chicago with me to watch the princess, i have decided not to.  i have talked about some road trips with my good friends and we have decided to go to vegas the first weekend in october (the week after BOOBS).    it will also be right around that time that i will hit my 100 post-surgery weight loss.   one of my goals has always been to go on some kind of trip to celebrate 100 pounds.  i am going to make this vegas trip that trip.

sorry to back out of chicago, but i am looking forward to hearing all about it!

in other news...some how, these same friends has talked me into climbing kilimanjaro.   our traget date is september 2011.  16 months away.   we have started "talking" about our training plan.  lol..   honestly, this in not something i have ever thought about but i am really excited now about the idea.  stay tuned for out upcoming blog about our adventures...

i am going to wrap this up and go run some errands.  there is a fundraiser down the street for a little girl in our town who got beat up (REALLY bad) by a boy --- so I want to stop by there...i am out of my shakes so i need to pick those up...and as long as it does not rain my plan is to walk the 0.8 mile up to get my nails done... and then it is South Beach tonight....woohoo.

The N-Word Post...

Ok…so here it goes….the narcissism post.

Some ground rules…I am going to admit some things here that may be related to my relationships with people who I know in real life and read this blog as well as blog friends. Nothing I post is specific to any individual nor is it being said or intended in any way to hurt you. It is all about ME ME ME… I ask those of you who know me in real life to be gentle with the “n-word” as we go through real life together. I know “what“ I am and I am slowly adjusting. Please don’t attribute the “n-word” to me in our conversations or in reference to me to other people we know. (ps. My therapist also thinks I am a control freak…ya think?)

Like I said, I know “what” I am. And while I know some of the narcissist traits may need to change…some are a big part of the Heidi you know and love. And in addition to losing a whole person in body mass…it is really hard to adjust to the fact that I may lose a large part of the only personality I have ever had.

A couple months ago I went to wine party (rolling, rolling, rolling on the river). I felt it was pretty lame and boring. I mentioned that fact on the phone to my mom the next day and she said it was because I was not the center of attention. I got pissed at her. But I realize now, that may be partially true. I walk into every room thinking “look at me. You all want to know me. Shit, you all want to fuck me”. (ok, admit it real life friends…you really do want to fuck me…lol).

I am very proud of my professional achievements. However, I did not get where I am by being well liked. I have been called intense and intimidating. The word “bulldozer” has been attributed to me more than once in professional settings. Really, at the end of day, how proud can I be of what I accomplished if I bullied my way into it?

Early on in my sessions my therapist identified me as narcissist. Immediately I had images of vanity smurf in my head. He was always my favorite, ironically....(right after that hot bitch smurfette…). But as we have gone deeper into our discussions I can see what she is saying…sigh.

So, Mayo Clinic defines narcissistic personality disorder as including some of the following symptoms:

• Believing that you're better than others
• Fantasizing about power, success and attractiveness
• Exaggerating your achievements or talents
• Expecting constant praise and admiration
• Believing that you're special and acting accordingly
• Failing to recognize other people's emotions and feelings
• Expecting others to go along with your ideas and plans
• Taking advantage of others
• Expressing disdain for those you feel are inferior
• Being jealous of others
• Believing that others are jealous of you
• Trouble keeping healthy relationships
• Setting unrealistic goals
• Being easily hurt and rejected
• Having a fragile self-esteem
• Appearing as tough-minded or unemotional 

I can pretty much related to.every.single.item on this list.

So how does this relate to obesity? Well…as a narcissist the rules do not apply to me. As a narcissist, I can be morbidly obese because I am smarter than doctors and can beat the odds. My obesity also served as great armor for my “fragile self-esteem” and allowed me to appear as “tough-minded”.

How does it relate to my weight-loss. Well…sigh…ok, here it goes…I admitted to my therapist that when I read other people’s blogs I am constantly running the numbers in my head. Comparing their weight loss to mine. “I have lost 56 pounds in 5 months….they lost x-amount in blank months…I am so ahead of them in my averages…I rock”. <<<<< yes, I am ashamed to admit, that is my inner dialogue. (please someone chime in here and save my “fragile self-esteem” and say they do the same thing…) In my defense, since I talked to my therapist about this specific issue a couple weeks ago and she told me to STOP I really have regulated my thoughts when reading other blogs.

Tonight is the first time I will be at support group in three weeks due to travel and other obligations. I am dreading it…only for one reason…I know there will be new people there who have been bonding with MY support group friends for 3 weeks without me. But more to the point, and what my therapist painfully pulled out of me….i am dreading these new people because my inner dialogue when I walk into the room tonight will be “you have no fucking clue WHO I am…..”. my therapeutic challenge tonight is sit back and observe and participate and not dominate the group. ACK!!!!!!! That is all I know how to do…is dominate groups, people, events, and on and on and on.

I want to change. I want to learn how to have all kinds of “healthy relationships”. I want to be someone people genuinely like and not someone they go along with out of intimidation.

I don’t want to be so arrogant in dealing with people that I embarrass my daughter or make life harder for her. Do you know how many times in the last 5 years of her life that kid has heard mommy refer to somebody as a dumbass - -because mommy did not get her way?

I want to be in love and in a healthy relationship (this will be addressed more in the 3rd of the trifecta issues post…living in the middle). I want to – for the first time in my 37 years of life – create lasting relationships with friends and lovers. I have put a lot of energy in the last year of joining and participating in an amazing women’s social community. That alone is a big step for me. Previously, I never get too involved with things because I end up getting frustrated and leaving. And this girl has never left any situation gracefully…nope--- that inner narcissist dialogue is saying “fuck them. They don’t deserve me. I am so fucking better than this….”. but not this time. I have met some amazing people and I don’t ever want to leave the community nor do I want my narcissism to ever hurt this people I have come to genuinely care about.

{ok, pissing in my pants here…literally as I am writing this above paragraph the following email dialogue takes place….it is about a party this weekend:

Jr.: Many more (and worse!) photos on the way!

Me: where are they?????????? i want to see them NOW!!!!!

Commando: rut ro.....thus spoke heidi, you better get those pictures posted, or feel the wrath!

rflmao…if that email exchange does not sum up my personality and how my friends perceive me…I don’t know what does…..i am so lucky that these women love my bossy, bitchy holier than thou skinny ass}

So my challenge in life right now is learning to dial back some of my personality…but not just externally what people see…I need to dial back and change how I look at the world and those around me -- my internal personality. Being “right” and “better than others” for all these years only got me to 373 pounds and a long history of hurting people. I am so fucking done with that. But at the same time it is a balance…I think there is some truth in the saying “fake it until you make it”. Thinking I can lose weight and That I will be successful and “Fantasizing about my success and attractiveness” is just as important to my personality right now as learning how not to be judgmental…

So there you have it….i truly am interested in hearing what you all have to say and your experiences with this. <<<< and no, my therapist did NOT make me write that! lol