Today....

today has been a total "OMG" and "wow" day.....

first let me say THANK YOU so much for your supportive messages to my mommy and friend posts.   I am really reading your comments and thinking about them.  i want to respond back about them and at this point will not be able to do it until this weekend (which could be fun because i will most likely be hopped up on painkillers all weekend after surgery tomorrow....).  i am also going to work hard to figure out rosh hashanah and chicago....i need to be with blogger friends.

but back to today....a year and 20 days ago i blogged about my annual review at work and wrote this:

i also had my annual review this week. my boss basically told me that he is going to mentor me to take over his position in about 2 years (he is out of his 3rd or 4th retirement and in his 70s). this would take me from department director to a city manager/ceo position. the goals and benchmarks he laid out for me were quite high and significant. he also wants me to commit to major executive management training at a national level to make me more prepared to take his position.....you put these two upcoming "changes" together -- weight loss and job -- and i have a pretty big year or two ahead of me. lots of goals. lots of self-improvement. lots of other people's expectations to meet. the truth of the matter of it is i know that i will emerge on the other side of two years looking a like a new person inside and out. wow. kind of scary. but exciting at the same time.

i went to the executive training in June.  it was tough.  fucking tough.  i was a whole analysis of your personality, your leadership style and feedback from your boss, co-workers and employees.  it literally tears you down.    while there i had an emotional moment where i realized that it may be time to move on from my job.   the relationship i have with my job is complicated and one day i will be able to write more about it...but nevertheless i had this moment at the executive training where i realized that i need to move on.

there was only one job i wanted.  only one job that could shake me out of my comfort zone.   and today i was offered it.  i can't say too much yet....but while it is not a city manager position it is over 5 departments (i am currently over 2) and it puts me in the right size city to grow and directly under the city manager.   and today when he offered me the job he made it very clear to me that he was open to grooming me for his job until he retires in a few years......  it is less money and i will lose a lot of perks (like an SUV my current employer gives me), it is a 4 day / 10 hour work week which will be a challenge to this solo-mom and i can no longer coast by on my personality/institutional history like i do at my current job and work when i want and where i want---i will have to WORK.... but it is totally what i want.   i can be out of the closet there (and already am).  i can look towards my career future (which does not exist at my current job). 

AND AND AND never ever ever ever again will i get on an elevator and have to hear "oh! i didn't recognize you!" or "how much weight have you lost?" or "you look so amazing.  how do you feel?"  "how much did the surgery cost?" "can you really eat that?"  or walk into a room and have everyone stop talking and stop to look at me when i wear something new that fits right....ok, i may miss those showstopping moments.... but, damn it, i will no longer work somewhere where i used to be fat.  

i had a great conversation with my mom today about the new job.  she even pointed out that i need a change because of the weight loss i am a different person and ready to take on new challenges.   it was great affirmation from my mommy.

OH MY FUCKING GAWD.   i can't believe that what i only dreamed about being a possibility last february is happening..... wait.  i can believe it.   i made it happen.

now i have to figure out when to tell my boss (and THAT will be heartbreaking)...between surgery, my medical absence next week, etc.  sigh.  and i need to tell him so the city can call and finalize my background check.  
wow.  just wow.

bench of reality....

i have blogged before about the "mirror of reality vs mirror of distortion".... this is my personal affliction that i still see my old self in the mirror and do not see what others see (reality) until i see a picture of myself.  until i am removed from the moment and reflecting back on it.

last night i was at a party that i frequent for parties.   i sat my sober (i swear i am going to lose these next 20 fast --- even if it means being sober) ass down on a bench.  ok.  so it is not a bench.  it is a plank of wood held up by two upside down 5-gallon buckets.   but it is the best seat in the house.  right by the door so you can see who shows up together and who sneaks off upstairs together.    while taking a picture with my friend, let's call her Kudy, last night it occurred to us two things...1.  Kudy and I sure do like to monopolize the bench and 2. my weight loss can be serialized through pictures of me and Kudy on this bench.

here is the bench of reality...

October 31, 2009 (Kudy was taking the picture)

Again, October 31, 2009 (Kudy still behind the camera)

April 17, 2010 -- Me and Kudy on the bench.  (it was a gender bending dress-up party.  she does not usually let her facial hair get so dark --lol)

April 17, 2010 -- earlier in the night in full costume.

June 19, 2010.   Kudy decided it was more important to visit family in the Midwest than sit on a bench with me.

                                                  December 11, 2010

one more time...

lest i get to full of myself here... i did get bitch slapped by a fat girl last night.   ok.  so i am bitter... she is someone i went on a couple dates with in the summer of 09.  then freaked out and disappeared.  i heard she was dating men after that.  and now she is back.  whatever.   so.... she was drunk last night and came over to talk.   and a real beanpole skinny friend walked by and she drunkenly leans into me and says: "you know what heidi, it doesn't matter how much weight we lose, we will never be that skinny."   fuck you, you fat stupid bitch.  i know she was drunk and trying to be friendly....but seriously?  you are going to try to bond with me over the fat thing?  first off, what is this "we" shit?  second off...i will...as far as i am concerned....i will be that skinny.  i was kind of pissed.  how dare she come over and bring her bad mojo to "my bench"... so i just smiled and told her that i planned to be that skinny after all my plastic surgery and that i am going to be Barbie.   then Kudy, M and I went back to our bench sitting and talked about working out while she just stood there.   like i said i am bitter.  i am over being a fat friend (that blog post has been swirling around in my head for months....).   there is so much more that i can on about...ugh.  but i just want to release it....but let me just say this....oh nevermind....stay tuned....lol.... because yeah...i hate lesbian drama, but i have a card was placed in my back pocket waiting to be played...

damn....i look hot.....

excuse the grainy quality....but damn.... i could not stop looking at myself in the elevator lobby mirrors today....lol.

and speaking of my own hotness...i think with each passing day i am getting closer and closer to lifting my self imposed dating fatwa.   the line for applications form to the right, ladies... ;-)  lol

tonight was support group.   there is going to be a change in the support group structure in the next couple months.   they are going to divide us into two groups: under one year post-op and over one year post-op.  there will be exceptions to the year mark if it is someone who is far along and the surgeon's office feels like they are "getting" it.  i assume i will make it into the one year and over group.  i also know that my therapist will most likely facilitate this group.

after tonight, i have to say, i am really looking forward to the split.  my patience for recent crop of newbies is running out.  unlike myself and others who were new around my time, they do not come to listen or take away information....instead they come in and tell us how they can eat "anything" and talk about snacking on non-protein stuff.     everything is just sooooooo easy for them.  there are 3 who have been doing this since one-week post-op.   i think they are all liars.  lol.   tonight i kind of called one girl out.   she was telling us how she keeps her refrigerator at work stocked with grapes, carrots, hummus, etc.   she pointed out that they were "good snacks".   i pointed out that they are not protein and i always try to go for protein first.    she said she logs her food and gets all her protein in even with these snacks.  so i pointed out to her that when she gets to good restriction she is only going to have 3-4 opportunities -- on a good day -- to eat and that now is the time to adjust to the protein-first rule.   our leader was agreeing with me.  ms. three and a half months told me she was doing ok.  so...sorry, but i had to...so... i turned to our leader and said that i was having weight watchers meeting flashbacks where i would leave a meeting knowing that a tootsie roll lollipop has 1 point, an oreo is two points and on and on and on.    i know ms. three and half months was not happy with my analogy...but someone needs to let these people know that the hard work is right around the corner and i am always happy to piss on someone's parade.....lol...  no, not really...but, yeah...i do get the reason for splitting the group.   one group needs to be the basics and the other needs to be the long term behavioral stuff -- as it was presented to us.   kudos to my surgical group for always improving our support options.

tomorrow i am flying to north carolina for a week of executive communication boot camp.  oh joy.   it is now my turn to have my inners ripped out and analyzed by a group of know it alls....  what comes around, goes around.  at least i have no worries about the southwest blubber police ever.again...thankyouverymuch....

what i did on my long weekend. by shrinking mommy

so i totally underestimated my restriction this morning and ate a little after a morning protein shake...this has left me sliming all morning at work...so instead of eating lunch today i will catch-up on my blogging while continuing to slime and hiccup loudly....

i haven't blogged since friday morning for no other reason than i live in paradise and was busy working on my tan.... (excuse the blurry picture but it was taken by the princess -- but check out moi in an Old Navy dress!)

so...friday we went to a water park and walking around in my bathing suit i did not feel like i was the fattest person there.  whether that was true or not, i don't care...i felt "average".   it is one of those parks with a water playground, lazy river tube ride and two water slides.   i dumped the princess on a friend and went on the water slide.  woo-hoo!   we actually were there for 4 hours.

then saturday morning we got up and the princess rode her bike for one mile while i walked along side of her and "worked on my tan".  then we went down to the pool where i found the perfect spot for the sun in the pool and moved my legs while "working on my tan".    saturday afternoon i laid 18 bags of mulch around the outside of the house and continued to "work on my tan".  i was still on post-fill liquids but hungry so had a lot of concern over my level of restriction and whether she would ever come back to me like a long-lost first love.

sunday was pretty much a lazy day for us.   we did go visit with some out of town relatives and i got my attention seeking whoreness satiated with their reaction to my weight-loss.

monday morning we decided to get up early and join some friends and watch the space shuttle take-off.  we are about 2 hours from the launch pad but in the dark of morning we got a pretty spectacular view.   

and then last night i did something different and that is part of my therapy work...instead of going to support group, i went back to my "straight book club".  they meet the first monday of every month and i stopped going after surgery.   one of the issues we have identified in therapy is my control issues.  and part and parcel of that issue is the fact that i always find myself in leadership roles.  being in leadership roles leads to me having to sometimes censor myself and that leads to frustration and a need for an outlet.   and since food can no longer be my outlet i need to find other things for me to just relax, enjoy and participate.   i am in charge as a solo-parent at home.   i am in charge as a department director at work.  i am "in charge" in many other situations i put myself into.  so in going through the things i enjoy my therapist and i identified this book club as i am the leader of my other one.   it was nice to go back.  of course i got an amazing reaction on my "new look".  this is a real interesting group for me to be involved in.   if there is ever a real housewives of boca raton on bravo i think a couple may be casted.   i once went to a rhinestone party at a member's home and i swear there was so much silicone and botox in the room i was expecting dr. 90210 to come out of the back of the house and do a housecall.   but, hey, they love me and i love them.  

i am leaving on friday for a business trip alone in new orleans.  i know... rough life.   i am committed to hitting the hotel gym or even better walking around the french quarter briskly at least twice while i am there.   also, i canceled going to place poker tonight but kept my babysitter in the hopes i can get some things done around the house and get in an hour of laps in the pool or a brisk walk.  i hate exercise.  i hate every moment of it.  but if in the end my tan improves... i will do it.  i also plan to catch up on the blogs tonight as well.

dance...dance i say.... (in the words of salt 'n pepa)

every great movement in history has had its theme song...

the Brits have God Save the Queen

the civil rights movement had We Shall Overcome

african famine relief had We Are the World

gay pride has YMCA

sports fanatics have We Are the Champions

the skinny bitches have Don't Cha (Wish Your Girlfriend Was Hot Like Me).... rise up and dance with me, skinny bitches!