living somewhere between 196.5 and 202....

so today was my "official" weigh-in day at the surgeon's.... a month ago i set a goal for myself to weigh 198 by today. 

because i do not weigh myself at home during the month this is usually a big surprise.   i hate surprises.  hate them.   well... i love surprise parties.  what i really hate is being caught off guard by something i may need to emotional fortify myself for...like stepping on the scale.

so....this morning on the way to work i stopped off at Publix (our grocery chain) and stepped on the public scale.  it said 198!  so i drove to work knowing today's weigh-in will be "ok".  i put out of my mind those pesky comments from my therapist about how i should NOT be jumping on the Publix scale because everyone and their mother is on it all day and it can not be accurate and her general feelings about food issues and weighing yourself at the grocery store.

went to work and popped out at 9:30 for my doctor's appointment...stepped on the scale.  saw it tally up...167, 184...202 is where it landed.   a six pound loss this month which is good.   not making my own self-created ambitious goal which is still "ok".

but it was kind of bugging me.... did i meet my goal or not?  so i decided on the way back to the office to stop off at a different Publix which was along the way and weigh myself and i would decide then what to think.   well....now i am in a pickle...because it did NOT say 198.  it did NOT say 202.   but it DID say 196.5.   LOL.   (and, yes, i took a picture of this)... so who knows what i weigh.   i will keep with 202 for purposes of tracking on my blog here.   but i will also go to bed tonight knowing that by the princess' 6th birthday next week i will sooooooooooooo weigh under 200 pounds.    and definitely by my next weigh-in March 3rd

i sent my mom the pic from the scale.   she is so excited.  i am too.

here is what i do know...i look thinner.  i look at myself from the side and i see a really thin person (as long as the skin is tucked in).  yesterday i was wearing a big flowy shirt and i still felt thin when i looked in the mirror. also, i was looking at the lane bryant mailing that came in the mail and i could not relate to the size of the models.   remember when we used to always complain that the models looked to skinny to shop at lane bryant?   now they look to fat to be modeling stuff i would wear.   weird.   i feel AMAZING.   and i weigh less than i did in high school.  and by high school i mean probably junior year of high school.

so i "lost" weight...

but i still weigh 208.  i am sooooo confused.   i *thought* i weighed 208.   at least that is what i remember weighing at my 1 year appointment.   so when i went into the surgeon's office yesterday for a smidge of a fill i was blah about the scale showing 208.  but the tech told me i lost 6 1/2 pounds.  huh?   apparently when i went in for a baby fill at the end of november i was up to 214 1/2.  i must have been in total denial and blocked that out of my head.   so the good thing is i am actually down and not in a plateau AND i got a baby fill this week to bring me back to a good control point.

this little surprise loss has definitely motivated me.  i have set a new goal of definitely/without a doubt/positively being under 200 pounds by february 11th.  this is a back to basics goal for me.   the princess will be 6 (SIX!) on feb 11th.   and regardless of my motivation and reasons for losing weight now...as my therapist always reminds me, i decided to have surgery for one simple reason...because "i am a mom".    so i will live to see my daughter graduate high school.  so i can be a healthy role model.   

my next appointment is february 1st.  i hope plan to be 198 by then.   and will be 195 by her birthday.  i will forever leave the 200s behind -- for both of us.

i really going to commit this month to no chips, crackers or other blatant carbs.   i am also going to recommit to my gluten-free lifestyle.  i am gluten intolerant, although with the weight loss my intolerance seems to have gone into remission so it is less of a motivator to stay away from blatant carbs.   but i know regardless if i am getting sick from gluten or not -- it is not healthy for me, my body, my skin, etc.

so....here i go.....

Bored at 78...

today was my 7 month check-up with the surgeon.   i did not take a fill and i am holding steady right now at 8cc.  i am officially 78 pounds down since surgery and 139 pounds from my highest.  i'll definitely take it.  but at the same time, 78 seems like such a funny number to report on.   i am not disappointed or anything --- but now that i am *only* 22 pounds from 100 pounds since surgery i am get impatient (again). 

playing the numbers game and setting my next goal i know (hope?) i will have lost 100 pounds by my birthday in september.   my goal is actually to lose 22 more pounds by the time i go away to the keys for vacation on august 12th.   totally doable.   and be under 200 pounds by my birthday mid-september.   aggressive?  perhaps.  but will keep me motivated.

why do i need motivation?  because i am fucking bored.  bored with losing weight.  bored with being "good" about losing weight.  bored with putting on clothes that are too big.   lol.  the whole thing is BO-RING me.   apparently this 6/7 month point is where people in recovery from substance abuse usually use again because they are bored.   pass the heroin* please.  lol.  because pigging out will only make be throw up and that is not fun.  a couple months ago i was going to post a poll on "what should heidi's new transfer addiction be?"...now i wish i had because i am ready to act out.   i dream of bottles of wine.   remember fondly the pre-responsible job and pre-mommy days of drug indulgence.   buying clothes, while can be a fun addiction, is useless and stupid now.   HELP!  i need to have something, anything, to make me feel like a bad-ass and at the same time numb the next few months....lol.

*please understand that while the intent is sincere, i am not really looking to become addicted to drugs  no need to call nancy reagan -- but if you do want to stage an intervention on A&E i may be game!

get your kicks....on route 66...

66 pounds lost since surgery that is... yay! had my monthly post-surgery checkup today and i weighed in at 246. that is 127 pounds lost from my highest known weight.

ok. long pause.

246.

i, heidi, weigh two hundred and forty fucking something pounds that is sooooooooo skinny. lol ok. to me it is. lol.

here is my monthly recap:

pre-op -14 pounds
month 1 -8 pounds
month 2 -8 pounds
month 3 -10 pounds
month 4 -14 pounds (this was actually 6 weeks)
month 5 -12 pounds (this was actually 6 weeks)

i did not take a fill and i think at 7.25cc i am at my sweet spot.

ya know, it was kind of emotional for me today. i am used to my whole life crying in front of scales because of the number being displayed. in the past it was because i was frustrated with my body and the "gods" and really what it was...anger. i would cry because i was so mad at myself for not following the program and expecting success.

today i cried. big ole emotional sobs. it was like a floodgate. (damn, the tears are starting again). it was not a cry from a place of anger or frustration. it was, and is, complete joy. an overwhelming sense of accomplishment that at times is scary. seriously. if i can do *this* after so many times failing, what else can i do? and not just the things i failed at -- but the big things not tied to weight i never tried because i was scare of failure.

speaking of big things...i am 100% focused on my September 2011 climb of Kilimanjaro. i think i finally found something to motivate me to get out there and exercise. since this past saturday i have walked at a minimum 1.5 miles. i have walked to target, to get my nails done, to dinner before support group, etc etc etc. last night i walked on the soft sand on the beach for an hour. i even went to a bicycle shop and i think i have narrowed down my choices and will be making a purchase this week for a new bike.

i have tons of updated pictures to post and hope to get to that in the next couple days.

the joke was on me...

on wednesday i noticed i was getting hungry pretty fast and eating more than i "should" so i called the surgeon's office for a fill.   i did not get a fill because i was at my sweet spot two weeks ago at my monthly check-up and BAM it was gone.  so, of course, my daydream as i drove to the surgeon's office yesterday was that i would jump on the dreaded scale and see i lost 8 pounds in two weeks...NO.  2 pound loss in 2 weeks.   not acceptable.  i was so bummed.  the PA i see could see it.  i wouldn't do my usual chitchat.  i was knocked off my pedestal....big time.  i took a 1/4 of cc fill.   she says that at this point the fills are smaller.  i hope this brings me back to where i was.  so the PA and i talked and of course she talked to me about exercise.  ugh. 

so....i left there in.a.mood.  fine, i thought, i won't go back to the office and i won't pick the princess up early...i will go home and walk the fucking 2 miles around my neighborhood.  and then maybe, just maybe, i will get in the pool and do laps.   then...i drove past a fabulous shopping center and what is better than pigging out and/or exercising...that's right -- SHOPPING!!!!!  so i ended up going into old navy in the first time in years.  i know, i know, we are supposed to be boycotting them after their jeans were so mean to Jen.  but i promise i did not even look at the jeans rack.  no instead i went into the dressing room with a 2XL dress.  came out buying an XL dress!  then i went to payless and got a cute pair of flats and then Avenue for a bolero type top to wear over the dress since the dress is a tube maxi dress.  and by that time i.felt.much.better.  and, of course, by that time there was no time to really get a good exercise in so i went to whole foods to stock up on fresh soups for the next couple of post-fill days.   and by then there really was no time to do anything so i went to pay a bill in person.  who pays a bill in person in 2010?  a person avoiding reality named heidi who weighs 256 pounds...that's who.

finally, i went and got the princess from school and we did come home and go in the pool but i basically stood in a good spot for tanning.  i did move my legs a little but not much.  

last night i had 3 small chocolate eggs that the princess brought home from school.  yeah...i stole candy from my underweight kid to sabotage my weight loss.  lol.

(please don't feel sorry for me.  i am definitely not as upset today as i was yesterday and i know it will get better)

so then i got into bed and decided to catch up on all my Ruby episodes i have been dvr'ing.   i know, she is a kooky evangelical annoying virgin -- but i LOVE her!  so the final episode i caught up on was where she was challenged to change up 5 things in weight loss journey.  the idea behind that was that insanity is doing the same thing and expecting different result.  hmmmmm.  something to think about.  and of course one of my 5 things is to exercise and make it part of my routine.  i am still not sure what my other four things are but will think about it some more and most likely blog about it.

it is another day in paradise here.   the princess and i are going to a waterpark today with other lesbian families.  but first i am taking clothes to the consignment store.   i have been doing great with my consignments.  so far i have been able to walk in and "buy" new clothes and not had to lay out any money.   this latest trip pretty much clears me out.  i am at that awkward stage where i am not yet an 18/20 but i am definitely not a 22/24.   and, babbling amy, for the record...i am bringing in 8 pairs of jeans today and that leaves me with only THREE pairs of jeans.   the horror! 

lots on my mind...

i have been pretty reflective since my visit to the mental health counselor last week.   nothing too deep....but i have allowed myself to step back and just "observe" my life and my interactions with my parents, daughter and food.   nothing earth shattering revealed.  there is definitely a problem.   but there is most likely a good solution for all involved.   right now i am still at the point that i don't want to do anything that will hurt my mom.  i know through therapy i will get past those feelings.

here are some snippets:

my mom told me that she was mentioning to someone that not only is her daughter "disappearing", she never seems me anymore because i "don't really eat much anymore".   er.  um.  houston..i think we have a problem.... lol

i have become increasingly aware, and perhaps uncomfortable, with the amount of times i call my parents a day.   and more importantly, i am realizing how much i am training the princess to do this.

step by step.  day by day.  i will worry about crossing the river when i get to it.... <--- speaking of those mantras....i forgot to mention last week that i talked to the therapist last week about being overwhelmed with the idea of not knowing what i will look like as i continue to lose since i have not been this low in my adult life.   she had the best response... i don't need to worry about that since it really is gradual and continual.  duh.

which brings me to this mind-blowing news... i jumped on my parents WiiFit this weekend.  this is the scale that is exactly the same as my surgeon's -- where i do my once a month official (and sometimes only) weigh-in.   as of yesterday i weight 258.  WTF?   when you weigh 373...when you weigh 312....when you weigh 299.... someone in the 250s sounds soooooooooooooooooooo much less and sooooooooooooooooo skinny.    my official monthly check-in is next monday but since i have to travel that day for work and won't be able to go i am going to try to get in this week sometime.

which brings me to...restriction... still have it, and i have to say that i am still SURPRISED every morning when i think i am hungry before i start and lo and behold i am feeling good with just a shake.   i do feel it starting to wear off a little.   i am able to get in a little more food but not that much.  i am not sure if i need a fill yet or not.  i think the idea of being "in the green" and in the 250s is just so foreign to me i don't know what to think...lol...

last week i was finding that i was mindlessly eating at dinner and getting stuck.  3 vomits, in fact.  it was a busy week and lots of road time so i found myself just wanting to zone out and watch tv.   and all the vomits happened on TV nights.   lesson learned (maybe).

this weekend i ate pretty much every lunch and dinner out.  i had not problems with getting stuck or even pressure in my chest.  i find it interesting to observe that i am better at monitoring my intake when i am in public with people.    i also have soooooooooooo many leftovers for the week.  yay!  lots of diversity and i won't just go to the safe stand-bys of cottage cheese or fish.

on saturday the princess and i did a charity walk with our dog and a group from my wls support group.  it was a little over a mile and we had fun.  you can see by the picture that my dog likes to stay anonymous on the internet.   

afterwards the princess, dog and i went to my favorite "eat-outside" restarurant in the gay ghetto.   while sipping my red-pepper gouda soup i easedropped on the two women at the next table.   one was going on and on about going to "women's night" at a local gay bar and how all the women were either super-butch (manly in straight terms) or "50 pounds overweight".   so now knowing and accepting that many people should really weigh 140 and that is not a sign of anerexia (lol) "50 pounds overweight" to this skinny bitch (not the good kind of skinny bitch that i am) is still under 200.   damn.  that pissed me off.   so when she started making goo-goo eyes at my dog i pretended not to hear her.  mature, i know.  but i was just so let down by the image obesssed gay community i live in down here.  

in addition to the group walk, i took my parents dogs to the dog park yesterday and borrowed my mom's bike (a grandma 3-wheeler that i secret covet) and rode with the princess for a while.   just don't tell me i exercised and we will be ok.  lol. 

tonight is support group.  i think it is the mental health counselor that checks in with us once a month.   more later...

trouble in paradise....

and by paradise i mean my wallet! 

yesterday i went by the plus size consignment clothes and found out i had $125 available to me to shop.   so i stocked up on size 22 (!!!!!) jeans to wear right now and some 18/20 tops that were too nice to pass up -- that i can wear in a couple months.   i spent $80 of my consignment funds.  

the problem is....i bought a 2X Banana Republic top.  it actually fits around my shoulders and chest, but is too tight at the waist. i also bought a size 20 Old Navy long linen skirt that fits me right now.    i am a clothes whore.  and more to the point, i have no shame in saying i covet labels.  i have not been really been able to shop in a Banana Republic, GAP, Old Navy, etc. since I was in high school (20 years).  this becomes a problem for my wallet.  it is one thing to be a clothes whore at the avenue and their clearance rack or Macy's with the occasional INC top that is 40% off...but to start to realize the stores that await my wallet.  ai yi yi!  lol.

i am refusing to wear my size 26 jeans and pants anymore and will be packing those up for Babbling Amy.

in fill/restriction news... i had a 0.5cc fill on friday to complete my 0.5cc pre-cruise fill a couple weeks ago.  according to their scale i am down 3 pounds in 2 weeks.  i want MORE loss showing on the scale.   according to my parents scale for the Love Me Challenge I am down 7 pounds since we returned from the cruise last Sunday and i was up a pound.  both the doctors scale and my parents scale pretty much line up with each other.   my parents was one more pound down, but that was after a day of only liquids since i was at the surgeon's.

i have a confession to make...for the past couple fills i have not been that great about following my surgeon's rule of 2 days of liquids and 2 days of soft after a fill.  i would usually be on softs by the second day and back to eating by the end of the 3rd day.   so far this time, i have been great.  even went to a dinner party friday night and brought my own soup.  

i just had 1/4 cup of cottage cheese for breakfast and i feel satisfied.   i want to get to the point, like i see on other blogs, that i am only eating one or two scallops and am totally fine with that.

today i am going to a potluck brunch.     i am bringing my "famous" low-carb/gluten free crustless quiche.   it is just a nirvana of 10 different cheeses.    i am hoping it will be soft enough for me.  if not, i will have my shakes with me.

i am commited to this afternoon of spending as many hours it takes to catch up on all the blogs, comment and be active in our community again.

until then...successful living thoughts to you....

Goal Met!!! (10 days early, thankyouverymuch)

my first goal was to lose a total of 40 pounds by our disney cruise next thursday.   this morning was my 3 month post-op appointment and i recorded a 10 pound loss this month!  woo hoo.  actually to be even more boastful -- today is really 2 month 3 weeks since my surgery.   i went in a week early so i can have time to adjust to the fill before the cruise.  the last thing i need is to be pb'ing all over the ship.  

i had great restriction up until this past tuesday so i took a 1/2 cc of fill.  i am hoping this will do the trick.  even though the PA said i could come back next week before the cruise if i needed more, at this point i rather not risk it and just come in for the other 1/2cc after the cruise, if needed.

i was sooooooooooooooo nervous getting on the scale.  i am not sure i will ever be able to kick that old feeling.   i even mentioned it to the nurse while i was getting on the scale with one eye closed.   i told her that next time dr. bass needs to give me a lobotomy.  she said "then you won't be able to celebrate your success!".  she was so cute.   have i told you how much i love my surgeon's office?  lol.  <---- look!  you don't even have to wait until tonight to read that!

so i am ready with my next goal.  i am trying to stay motivated and realistic.....so.....the next goal to meet is a total of 65 pounds by mother's day -- may 9th.  

speaking of being realistic...in the car from the surgeon's office back to my office i was suddenly overcome with emotion because i realized that i was going to succeed.   i realized that i was going to meet or exceed every goal.  i realized that i will really be skinny one day.   it was a total good emotional cry.   a proud cry.  the kind of cry that happens when your beautiful daughter does something amazing.

i have also noticed that i have started to plan my life in 10 pound/per month increments.   i am attending a pool party in june.   when i saw that -- i thought..."ok, by then i should be 80 pounds down".  lol.  there is a big party in april..."ok, i will be down 60 pounds".   lol.  i think it is so funny everytime i catch myself thinking in 10 pounds.  does anyone else do this?

ok...back to work... it is a rainy, rainy day here in south florida.

have a successful day!

weekend wrap-up...

so...while i was making grown women cry (yes, again) this weekend...you all were blogging. i am going through the blogs right now. i really want to be a good blog-citizen and follow your journeys closely and give substantial feedback. i know how much i love to get feedback.


YAY Glee for the Golden Globes win.

lots going on here. today is a day off from work. this weekend i collected some food from various people i know and today the princess and i delivered them to Food for the Poor which has its distribution center close to my house. they are an amazing organization. i totally believe in them. they were taking the donations and putting them right into boxes on crates for immediate shipping.

i have added my name to an active list for the possibility of fostering a haitian child. a local group that i have actually volunteered (not as a foster parent, though) on and off for since high school put out a call through the gay parenting community for names of people who are interested. did you know that Florida is the ONLY state in which gays and lesbians can not legally adopt children through the state? we ARE allowed to be foster parents. we are just not allowed to adopt these children who are available for adoption and who, in some cases, have lived with us for 13, 14, 15 years. insane. unfair. and just fucking wrong. of the gay and lesbian foster parents i have known in my life -- from other parts of the country as well -- so many of them are willing to take on the medically needy kids. the kids that are hard to place. the kids that are not attractive to others for adoption. but for whatever reason, we take them. we love them. we make them whole again. but we can not adopt them here in florida. prior to becoming pregnant with the princess i was going through the process of being licensed as a foster parent. of course, my goal was to foster and lead to adoption. my mama-urge was very strong once i turned 30. i decided to not go the foster route because i knew of the adoption issues. i also knew i could "lie" and not live my life honestly (as some i know have done) to get to the adoption table. but i don't trust the state. right now the gay adoption ban is arbitrated through the courts. i want legal protection. no regrets taking the route i did...the princess is the most perfect child someone could ask for...but my heart breaks for the babies i am not ALLOWED to be a forever mom to. and, florida legislature, i think i have proven my ability to be a traditional, damn good parent time and time again in the last 5 years! ok...i will get off my social injustice soapbox.

had a good time going out and socializing this weekend.

saturday night i went to a spoken word event. i think i am going to submit something for the april event. i want it to be about weight loss. i want it to be funny. i am thinking of doing a spoof on my blogging. i have some time to work on it.

ok...enough avoiding the weight stuff....let's see. i am doing the Love Me challenge. this means i need to jump on the scale once a week. i am weighing myself at my mom's. i don't like it. according to my mom's scale i have only lost 1 pound this week. i am upset. i am seeing some "giving up" on the band and sabotage behavior creeping in. UGH. i want to be in the challenge. i want to lose weight. i am scared that i CAN'T. UGH.

but onto the positive thoughts i keep reminding myself of...my skinny clothes are getting sloppy on me. my dad gave me a great compliment when i saw him on saturday. i feel good. i know there is an end in sight.

i did go bra shopping today. i went in wearing a 46DDD and left buying two 44DD. (what would be a post without talking about my boobs?) oh and speaking of my boobs... lol... tonight at support group our guest speaker is a plastic surgeon. i know it is a long ways off for me...but i am kind of psyched. i can't wait for the boob lift i have been wanting since high school!!!

i enjoyed doing pilates and i am proud that i did it. but i do not think it is for me right now. it is not so much that it is hard --- it is uncomfortable and at 280 pounds, let's face it, i do not have the body nor flexibility that is required. maybe i will revisit it in a couple months. i know i need to find another form of exercise. but i am not sure what yet.

this has gotten long.  i am going to finish up here and go back to being a gay biological mom in florida.  lol.

the good news is that i didn't cry at the surgeon's office...

 

....which is definitely one of my past weight loss behaviors when things didn't go right.    the not-surprising, but kind of disappointing, news is that i weigh 282.  yes.  the wall still exisits.   sigh.   deep sigh.

 

moving on....looking at the postive...i have lost 30 pounds since october 22nd.   my surgery was 2 months ago.   i am 10 pounds away from acheiving my first mini-goal of a 40 pound loss by our february 11th disney cruise.   i know believe that i will break the 281.5 wall by my next appointment on february 2nd.  i got another 1 cc fill for a total of 6.  

 

sitting in the exam room waiting for my fill (and trying not to cry) i noticed a poster on the wall that said:



Ten Rules for Living with the LAP-BAND® System: 

1. Eat only when you are hungry, and no more than three small meals a day.
2. Eat slowly and chew thoroughly.
3. Stop eating as soon as you feel full.
4. Do not drink while eating.
5. Do not eat between meals.
6. Eat only good quality, nutritious food.
7. Avoid fibrous food.
8. Drink enough fluids during the day.
9. Drink only low-calorie liquids.
10. Exercise/be active at least 30 minutes a day.

i am sure we all have seen this before.   we definitely have heard it before.   i have decided that this will be my daily checklist.  every evening i will review the list and report on my success.   i was tracking my protein, fat and calories every day -- but i started to rebel against that. 

and for my final positive thought for today.... regardless of today's weight and the wall in front of me....i will never look like this or weigh 373 again....

the insanity slowly creeps back in....

i am just going to lay it all out there....i am feeling like a head case the past couple days.   how does the old saying go?  you can take the fat out of the girl but you can't take the girl out of the fat?

i kind of feel like debbie downer right now since i have new followers today.  i want to be on my best behavior and dazzle you with my success and perfect band life.  

sigh.  that's not going to happen.  lol.

at the beginning of last week i felt restriction.  i was working the band.  

by saturday night it was gone.  or was it?   i don't know anymore.

i don't remember what i ate saturday night. (old behavior -- using food like a drug.  basically blocking out the bad behavior). i do know by sunday night i had 3 dinners.  ok, 4.  granted they were all (about) 3oz and spaced over 3 hours.  but i was totally grazing.   i failed the band and it failed me.   i never got stuck.  didn't feel restriction.  nothing came back up.   and i kept going back for more. 

what else did i do wrong?  i avoided my blog all weekend.  which means i avoided reading other blogs for support.  i avoided lbt.  shit, i avoided everything.

today after some deep reflection i can say it was definitely a case of mind over matter.

why?  oh, i'll tell you why.  tomorrow is my 2 month post-op appointment which means it is --- dun, dun, dun --- weigh-in day.   last time i weighed in i was 288.  that was 3 weeks ago and it was 2 pounds down from the week before.  so if everything goes as prescribed....i will be 282 tomorrow.  well, maybe not.  why?  because 281.5 is my personal wall.  that is the lowest i have gotten with any weight loss attempt in the last 10 years.   and for whatever reason at 281.5 i stop.  and my lovely bat shit crazy self decided to sabotage myself the last couple days.   of course i did not realize this until after dinner number 4 last night (at 11:30PM)...

so what happens today?  do i collect myself and move forward.  nope.  the old behaviors kick in.  i neglect the lunch i packed for myself today and not only go out to lunch -- but i go an hour early.  i start thinking about "starving" myself the rest of the day.  so then i eat a small piece of candy to kick of my fast.   i also start to think of the old weight watcher weigh-in day tricks... laxatives, water, etc.  sigh.  

i am happy to report it is not all doom and gloom.   i did some things right.   instead of going to book club i went to support group because i knew this week the mental health professional would be there.   i spoke up and asked for help and listened respectfully when it was offered.  even if it was uncomfortable.   i am blogging.  

part of me is so mad at myself for letting this wall, this figment of MY imagination get the best of me.   i have the band.  i have the tool.   i know that during these first 6 months or so that i would have to work hard not to lose weight.  not only can easily break through my wall, i can get pretty far away from it.   but that inner bitch in me is too strong willed at times.

this post has exhausted me.... more tomorrow...

thank you all for your wonderful comments.... they really mean a lot to me.

second fill

i went in today for a second fill. yes, it was only one week ago that i got my first. only 0.5ccs but also talked to the PA for a little while about where i am... we both think that i need to up my calories a little too. the issue is, the band is working. it is telling me when to slow down and stop eating. but at the same time i am crazy hungry about 2.5 hours after eating. so i need to stick to the 1/2 cup - 3/4 cup quantity but up the caloric quantity.

listen, i hated both math and science in school... and all these numbers are giving me a headache! lol. but i appreciated her coming in and analysing my intake to help me do this right.

the other benefit was i got to hop on the scale... down 2 pounds this week... so obviously i am doing something right --- especially since this week included the weekend i was away from home and in someone else's kitchen and ate out a lot. but, really, i don't want to be uncomfortable or struggle too much.

i am an official bandster now!

i have the band. i have my first fill. 4.5 ccs total.

you know how they say that after surgery you find other things to do besides eat or constantly think about eating? and you know how during our pre-op time we don't believe them? can't wrap our minds around that concept? today i finally get it! now instead of starving myself before doctor weigh-ins or rushing to get something to eat after weigh-in -- i rush through traffic so i can update my online weight-loss ticker! lol.

another 5 pounds down today. total weigh loss is 22 pounds. yay me!

the fill went great. i requested the surgeon do it and got to chat with him. it literally takes 30 seconds. i feel fine but i do know quite well that i really need to take small sips right now. chew, chew, chew. sip, sip, sip. i think i need a tape with that on it to listen to in my sleep.

he also mentioned he heard about the nutritionist and told me that his office is not the only one having these issues. he says it is frequent discussions with colleagues around the state. he said that the whole pushing carbs thing is a big problem for his practice. i suspect they will be bringing in their own person soon and stop using the hospital nutritionists.

i am wearing a new (size 26) black and white polka dot shirt today and size 24 side-zip cigarette pants. people are freaking out about my look and the noticeable difference.

ok, the important stuff is done -- weight loss ticker is updated and blog is current... need to get back to work...lol.

the battle between the jewish mother and the 2X t-shirt...

the 2X t-shirt won!!!!!

quick back story...1 week post-op i hosted a tomboy tools party. at the party i ordered a t-shirt. since i was only living on soup and protein drinks back then i was very optimistic about my journey so i ordered the 2x t-shirt instead of the 4x t-shirt. i know i could usually wear 3x if i had to, but if 4x was available i would take it. so my mom called me before placing the final order to confirm that i wanted 2x. i said yes, because it would be silly to buy a bigger size if i wouldn't be able to fit into it. my mom responded that it would be a while before i would fit into 2x. i took it as her being protective of my feelings because she has first hand witnessed almost all of my emotional breakdowns after not doing well on diets since i was 10.

well, this weekend i got the shirt and it fit! like, it fit well enough that i wore it all day and night! yay me! and when i saw myself in the mirror i could see that my shoulder width looked smaller.

nothing else really happened this weekend. my parents, me and the princess went bowling last night (me in my 2x shirt) and that was lots of fun. today princess and i played games and did puzzles. i actually sat on the floor comfortably with her. i am not sure if i have ever played on the floor with her....

i also dropped some $$$ at lane bryant. i needed more spanx (i am lovin them) and they were advertising this black and white polka dot blouse (size 26). i have a thing for black and white polka dots. using a coupon i was also able to get two more shirts free...one to wear now and one to use as a goal -- size 22.

i always reflect when i see people post that they never want to shop at lane bryant again. i can't say that...i have wanted for a long time to shop at lane bryant. they *only* go to size 28. it hasn't been until the last year that i could even consider shopping anywhere *but* the avenue who goes to size 32.

i officially weigh-in on tuesday (at 10AM --- no, i am not ready for my fill or anything...lol). but i did jump on my parents wii yesterday and i was down 4.6 pounds. yay! that is pretty much my target on tuesday -- 4 pounds which would be 2 pounds a week.

have a great week!

goal!

i finally set a "goal" for myself. this past week was my parent's wedding anniversary. my daughter will be 5 in february. so my parent's gift was a cabin on the disney cruise in february with me and my daughter for her birthday. following me? 2 birds -- one cruise.

my goal is to lose 40 pounds before the cruise. i think it is realistic and i am motivated to achieve it.

i still need to work on my longterm rewards. i know the final reward is a tattoo on my lower back in honor of my daughter. she has a form of spina bifida and lots of scars back there due to two neurosurgeries thus far in her short life! and, no, not a tramp stamp per se. something circular to represent her spina bifida and the circle of life.

i think 100 pounds will be a solo trip somewhere....like a resort or women's cruise.

more about my pulled boob...

apparently i did not pull my boob... i pulled the muscle under my boob! the discomfort got so bad last night that i went into the surgeon's at noon today and the physician's assistant confirmed that i pulled muscle above my port and my body is freaking out and there is some water collecting between the pull and the port. nothing that won't heal itself. she also recommended i wear some restriction like a girdle or spanx to keep myself together. lol. i thought i was losing weight NOT to wear a girdle!

the added benefit of freaking out over my boob is i got to hop on the scale. 3 pounds down since my appointment last tuesday! i have to say it is so nice to not fear the scale, worry about my clothing weight or the amount of water retention i have going on....

i ran into Avenue (plus size clothes) tonight to pick up a girdle tank top thingy for our trip to disney this week. on one hand it was very hard to be in there and not look at or buy clothes. on the other hand it was great to know that i am "good" on clothes for about 30 more pounds.

i came out about the surgery to "the guys" at work today. these guys all work in my department's counterpart department.... and they are guy's guys. they are often saturday night live skits of themselves. so we have been having candy wars between the offices since halloween. we keep passing this big plastic pumpkin full of candy back in forth between the offices in an effort to get it away from our respective departments. so today i went into the guy's space and said that they needed to stop derailing my weight loss efforts. one of the guys asked me what my weight loss plan was --- and as casual as can be i said "well, i had weight loss surgery two weeks ago for starters".... they were all very supportive and pleased to hear about my decision. the administrative assistant, who is new and i don't know very well, seemed to be very knowledgeable about it. she is a young girl and stick thin... i am curious about her knowledge but will talk to her more when the "guys" are not around.

i also got my first "are you losing weight?/you are looking good" comment today! i realized later on the way home i was so excited about the comment and saying thank you that i didn't mention the surgery. lol.

one more day of work (tomorrow) and then i am off on wednesday. thursday is thanksgiving lunch at my mom's and then the princess and i will do a couple days in disney. we have not been since mid-september and has been too long!

oops. excuse me.

i am gassy. let's just get that out of the way. i am like what this jewish girl can only imagine it is like to find-an-easter-egg-behind-the-sofa-in-july-gassy.

moving on.... i had my first post-op (8 days) appointment today. things are going great. my first fill is scheduled for december 8th. i am pretty excited and hope it goes well since i am flying december 11th.

since october 20th I have lost 14 pounds! not bad and i will take it. yesterday i decided to throw out the home scale. i got on in the morning and i was 292. then immediately after that i was 294. and immediately after that i was 286. that is just cruel and unnecessary punishment. so the scale is out in the trash. i will now only rely on the doctor's scale and the Wii fit at my parents house in between doctor visits for progress checks.

i like the idea of just doing monthly weigh-ins. 14 pounds a month is much more gratifying to me than 2 pounds here and there.

i am now officially on mushies... cottage cheese, egg salad, pureed beans, etc. yay.

today i felt "skinny". my clothes were loose and i felt good. my face has definitely thinned out and i think people are starting to notice, but just aren't sure "what" it is.


today and yesterday i got in 30 minutes of walking at lunch. yay me.