if the shoe doesn't fit....

get rid of it, heidi!

i do like my shoes.   now, i have heard about people losing a lot of weight and their shoe size changing.  but i have been a size 10 since i was a kid.   my grandmother was a size 10 and it was just one more thing that put me in the running to be her favorite...which i was, of course.   in fact many many many women in my family have size 10s.  in our family it is known as "B_______ (family name) Feet".  it is a badge of honor.   well...i guess i am up for adoption because now i wear a size 9 or 9 1/2.   the picture to the right shows the soles of an old pair of black chunky flip flops and a new pair. 

the truth is that as i got bigger i was no longer just a size 10.  i was a size 10 wide or even a size 11.   in birkenstocks i was a size 41 or 42.   same things with my dansko clogs.    i am now a size 39 in birkenstocks and just bought a pair of shoes from The Walking Company yesterday at size 39.

after spending the $$$$$ at The Walking Company yesterday and going through the experience of literally dropping from size 41 to 39 in the store until i found the right fit....i told myself that i need to start getting rid of shoes that don't fit.

so i came home, opened the closet and this is what i saw....it does not even include the roughly 5 pairs scattered around the house....

so i literally pulled out about 40 pairs of shoes and this is what i was left with....

now....here is the thing...most of the shoes still in my closet are size 10s or 11s.   the only pairs that are the right size are two pairs of work shoes, one pair of birkenstocks, one pair of boots and 3 pairs of flip flops (i am a florida girl and i have my priorities...).   the rest are either a. not stretched out too much and i need for work, etc or b. very unique or expensive and i just can't get rid of yet....in fact the bottom two shelves are filled with shoes that cost $$$$$$$.  the bottom shelf is double stacked with birkenstocks and the shelf above it is my european clogs that i just love dearly.

what i have told myself is that as each type of shoe is replaced i need to get rid of the too big one.  so when i finally get my new purple sequin chuck taylors -- the black one stars go.    some of the big sneakers and birkenstocks will be relocated to my camper this summer and i will wear the crap out of them there. 

i didn't even touch the way up high top shelf that has all my doc marteens and NaNa boots from back in the day.....i may be ready to give up my former obese self but i will never let go of my former punk grrl self....

My Therapist

those bloggers here who have spent time with me know that i start every 3.5 sentences with these words...My Therapist....

well....My Therapist has left me.  left florida.  left her practice.   she had to and i understand her personal reasons.   but it does not make this any easier.  

recently i did a gratitude list as homework for a session.   the top of the list was "My Therapist".  i am glad i did, because i was able to tell her that to her face.   i told her, somewhat emotionally, that she saved my life and i really believe she did.     the band, nor my surgeon, did not save my life.  the band is a tool.   she gave me the strength and clarity to work the tool and live beyond the weight loss.  she called me on my shit.   she did not let me big personality run the show as it has on-and-off for the past 20 years of therapy attempts.  

with that being said....i do not believe my therapy work is done.  and neither does she.   so she has passed me onto a colleague who she trusts.   (she also bugged me until i made my first appointment with the therapist because, as she pointed out, i was probably rationalizing quitting therapy...and she was right).   so, i met with My Therapist Part 2 this week.   she is good.  she is nice.  she is feeling me out as much as i am feeling her out.   she is committed to the long term plan My Therapist and i originally laid out.   i am not sure if she is strong enough to over power my bullshit and call me on it but she did ask me to tell her what worked best with My Therapist and i think i need to ask her to call me on my shit more.    we will see where this goes.   i also want to go on record as saying that the only other therapist that i had in my life who was getting somewhere with me "left me" for very similar personal reasons....my dumb luck, huh?

in other news...i am really run down this week.  it is my first week back at work after my gall bladder surgery.  it is also my first week of my two week notice and as such my co-workers and employees are literally sucking my brain out of my head since seven years ago when i started none of the structure that we have today, their departments, their jobs existed.   it is exhausting.    it is also somewhat sad.   this job has been a big chapter in my life.   i found out i was pregnant the day i interviewed for my job.   i work for not just a government but a people, a community, a culture.   you don't do what i did for almost 7 years with/for them without getting attached.   tomorrow i am traveling to tell some of the elected officials personally of my plans to leave.   each conversation is hard. 

add to that the fact that my new job is already heating up...i was approved at a public meeting this week by the elected body (kind of exhilarating to be at that level of professional position in my career...the fact that i am voted on... btw), i have been contacted by some people at the new job regarding future projects, etc.     and of course, i have the usual stuff of being a mom (the princess was bitten by our dog as i was running out to be voted on...talk about working mother guilt that night....), dealing with a biting dog who now has a stomach virus, trying to lose weight and...yes...and, i have met "someone"....not going to say too much right now about that....we'll see...

the picture is what i wore to the public meeting when i was approved for my job.   it is from the post-surgery day kohls shopping trip.   i love it.  it is me.  heidi.  in a size large vera wang dress.   yep.   excuse the proportion of the picture....the princess took it so it is coming from a lower position and, in my opinion, makes me look kind of drag queen/amazon-esque.  

random and scattered monday thoughts....

i can honestly say today that i have good alignment with my personal mirror of distortion vs. mirror of reality.   without looking at a picture i see a thinner me in the mirror and even when i look down at my body.   i think this is extremely important to me....because when i feel "fat" i act "fat".  i eat "fat".  i dress "fat".  i think "fat".   today, i hope to go into this new year acting, eating, dressing and thinking thin.  

speaking of dressing fat.... i fucking love jeggings.  OMG.   what a great fashion item for me to find at this point in my weight loss journey.  jeggings, of which i own 3 pairs, allow my to show off all my deliciousness appropriately.   it is the skinny jeans 2.0 for girls, like me, who have stomach apron disproportionately larger than the rest of your body.  i can have "skinny" legs.  even tuck my pants into boots without baggy knees poking out -- yet the waistband gives me the comfort and support at my waist.

i feel very prepared with my food today on one hand.   but feel a little binge-y on the other hand.  i have my lunch bag packed with good foods.   including:

• my salmon salad -- made with light mayo, goat cheese and a couple olive slices --about 1/2 cup -- 16 grams protein
• 2 cheese crisps to have with salmon salad-- wheat free crackers -- 4grams protein, 2 carbs.
• homemade brisket chilli (my protein calculation is 20gram protein) with 1/4 cup of cheese (2 carbs/7 protein -- and 9grams fat!!!!) and 5 saltine crackers (11 carbs/1gram protein)
• two turkey/laughing cow -- the chipolte flavor YUM -- roll ups (turkey: 1 carb/4 protein...cheese: 2 carbs / 6 protein)
• homemade egg salad (eggs: 2 carbs/12 priotein...mayo: 1 carb)
• 1oz cubed cheese (8 grams protein -- 9 grams fat!!!)

i started the day off with a bariatric advantage banana shake with a tbsp of peanut butter -- 30 grams of protein.  it is 11:30 and i have only the shake and 40oz of water (with crystal light tea).  i am not really hungry or anything yet.

i know this look likes a lot of food. and it is. but i am also staying down by my office to go straight to support group tonight since the princess is "on vacation" at my mom's. so it is also dinner.  but there is also a lot of fat.  ugh.  cheese.  cheese has been haunting me this whole journey.  i know deep in my heart i need to scale back on the cheese if i want to see this last 30-40 pounds gone. 


so, like i said it *is* a lot of food and i am honestly walking a thin line today between being prepared and bingeing.   recognizing this, first thing i did this morning was put my lunch bag in the employee breakroom downstairs so it is not sitting on my desk or in the refrigerator in my department.   i plan to have the chilli, cheese and crackers for lunch.

speaking of support group....tonight is supposed to be a cooking demonstration.  should be fun.  i feel sooooooooooooo out of the support group loop. i used to go religiously every monday since the week after my surgery.   it just seems like since september it has been one thing or another and i have not made it there except once or twice.... and now, after tonight i will not be able to attend until april.  i am really really really freaked out by this.   but i am planning on taking an important class on monday nights through march 28th.  i am really trying to get into the already full thursday night class.  but if not i am going to have to suck it up and miss support group.  this class is just as important to my future and soul as group is....but.... i have always been a firm believer that my personal success is directly tied to the trifecta i have created for myself: support group, blogging and therapy.  i am going to have to lean on blogging and therapy more and more.  the good thing is that i will continue working out with two other women from support group most weeks twice a week.  so that keeps a connection for me and really the conversations and support we give each other is more valuable sometimes to listening to people sabotage themselves at support group. 

did i mention how excited i am for the lapband disney trip on january 2nd?????  lol.  i.am.excited.

weird.

while nothing traumatic happened today....i feel like, as i sit here quietly reflecting on the day, that it was a roller coaster of ups and downs.   

the morning started out with a mammogram.  a couple weeks ago i felt something in my left breast.   my nurse practitioner at the obgyn felt it at my annual exam the same week and thought it could just be dense breast tissue but sent me for a mammo anyways.   i found myself all morning chanting in my head: "i can not die.  i am my daughter's only real parent.   i can not die.  i am a mom".   i am not sure who i was chanting to.   God.  a Higher Power.  Myself.   The Wind.  i am not sure.   but i emotionally exhausted myself.    my mammo was negative and there were no concerns.  i am good to go for another year.   it was not until later when i read the report that i actually laughed.  it says: "There has been interval decrease in size of the breasts compatible with interval weight loss".  LOL.  there was not conversations about me losing weight.  there was no scale.  i guess the two deflated water balloons at my waistband gave it all away!!!   as i told a friend today....should the need arise, i could tuck my boobs into my pants if needed.   seriously.  it is a good thing i can now tuck in my shirts and wear a good belt.   because now i have something to tuck in,  my boobs.  lol.

after the mammo i went to the mall.  i had a 40% off coupon and wanted to get a jacket at the Gap.  i didn't get it.   i didn't get anything.  everything looked sloppy on me.   it was weird.  not to buy anything because the larges were sloppy on me.   i was bummed.  but i wasn't.  just a weird feeling.

next stop was my department's holiday party.   i am a department director and we were sharing our party with three other departments.   the luncheon was at the Improv.    as department director i had to put on my hostess face and mingle with everyone.   i actually enjoyed that part as i have career threads back to the other three departments and it was just great seeing former employees and co-workers i never get to see anymore.   due to the nature of these departments most are men.   good ole boy blue collar men.  i love them.    they were cute.   most have not seen me for a while so there were lots of kisses and hugs and quite a few "ma'am, is it ok if i tell you that you are looking great?".   so cute.    in general terms, i can say that the women fell into three categories.... the fat ones avoided me.   the thin ones were all over me.   and the third category i will address separately below as it is one specific person.    but back to the first two categories... first i HATE that i am now the person who could possibly make an overweight person feel bad.  really.  because for my whole life i was on the other end.   but one of the thin ones said something that gave me pause for thought....we had greeted each other when she arrived.  and later when we were all eating she got up and came across the room and whispered to me: "i don't know if you get tired of heating this but i just want you to know that you really are looking great."   and i told her "thank you.  and no, i don't get tired of hearing it".   i know i sound so fucking full of myself here.   but in that moment i made a commitment to myself to embrace the attention.  enjoy it.   i deserve it.  it makes me feel good.  and it is about damn time i feel good about myself.   

so...the specific woman that has sent me to my blog this evening is the woman who talked me into not only having the surgery but directed me use my surgeon.   she is the woman that saved my life.   she is not only an employee but also a constituent for the government i work for.   in the summer of 2009 i ran into her at a council meeting and complimented her on her weight loss.   it was during a lunch break from the meeting and she told me to grab my lunch from the line and go sit in the hall with her.   and sitting there in the hall she told me she had surgery.   i told her how i looked into surgery before and was not sure if it was for me.  she told me to do it.  just like that.  she told me she did because her son wanted to do it and she was scared of him dying.  they did it together to save their lives together.   she told me to call my surgeon.  to use her name.   i don't know why, but i listened to her after avoiding this surgery for 4 years.  she is the woman who saved my life.     i have told her this many times over the last year.   the last time i saw her (a couple months ago) she told me she gained 40 pounds.   i didn't think she looked like it then.  today, i noticed the gain.  it is so much more.   i am sad.  i am scared.  i know.  i know.  i know just because she has gained weight does not mean i will.   but....sigh.  what a fucking mindfuck.   seeing her today.   nevermind, the uncomfortable greeting between us.   how i felt her eyes on me the whole time i was working the room.    the little voice in my head has already told me that i should go out to her community in the next couple weeks and visit with her and give her the strength that she gave me.    i owe that much to the woman who saved my life.  

i have to interject here that i am also happy that my holiday season obligations are now over.  hannukah has passed.  i have hosted three parties in my home.  hosted my work party.   and i am done.   done.  done with the socializing.  done with the food.  just done to enjoy the next couple weeks without many obligations.

tonight i ended up back at the mall.   the princess wanted to go to Stir Crazy and make her own dinner and i was in the mood for ahi tuna anyways.   then we went to old navy.   i got a couple sweaters.   then i bought myself faux uggs at Skechers.   i am still not sure why i did that.  they were only $30.   and they are kind of cute.  but i am 38 years old and live in florida.  lol.    the princess walked off with a new sweater and a pillow pet (unicorn to go with her panda). 

speaking of dinner... i have some crazy restriction going on right now.  not sure if it is from some work stress or the cold weather but i am tight.  not too tight but very much at a sweet spot and aware of the band doing its job. 

just a weird day.  like i said, nothing traumatic or crazy....just a lot of swings in my emotions.   like at times the weight loss is so dominant in my experience and at other times it is so far removed from what i am feeling.  

not hungry...

i have no appetite.   well.  that is a lie.  i have no real appetite for real food like protein.  i have no problem eating when it comes to chocolate covered mickey pretzels, though. 

beginning last night and through tuesday night i am hosting 4 events at my house...last night was friends hannukah party.   tonight is family hannukah party.   tomorrow is "straight" book club holiday party and then tuesday is "lesbian" book club at my house.    lots of food, to say the least.   i love to cook and entertain.  and even before surgery, i would remember that by the time i got done cooking and serving i would be too exhausted to eat.   last night i was not exhausted.  i just couldn't eat.  it is so weird to me to have a plate of food in front of me and not have any desire to eat it.

it is the same thing with people who buy something "just for a taste".... that blows my mind.  you take a bit out of a sandwich and throw it away?  crazy.  just crazy.

yesterday i went to macys and bought myself a coat.    it is a jason kole wool peacoat.  very cute.   size large (had to get that in).   it was weird for me to buy what i was thinking as a "forever" coat.   since i have been trying to lose weight the last twenty years i always resisted buying staples like a coat because "this year i swear i am going to lose weight".  i did have one long wool coat that was useful when i lived in charlotte and atlanta and for travel....but i have had that one for almost 20 years...and i never bought anything else because that was my staple to hold me over "while i lost weight".  so the price tag on the coat i found yesterday was $185.    i did not pull it off the rack because the saleswoman ran around the floor finding me all kinds of peacoats (i have one of the most helpful macys by my house).   so....i really liked it.   liked how i looked in it and resigned myself to pay the $$$$ for it....knowing it would most likely be my forever coat.   so, i have to tell you i was much delighted when it rang up for $89!    but here is the thing... i also saw a jacket at the GAP i liked.   i have a 40% off coupon good for this thursday so i am going to go back and get that too.   they have different looks to them and i like them both equally.

this is new for me....(and a small lesson my former girlfriend helped me to discover).... when you weigh 373 pounds you are just happy "something" fits you.   you don't really pay attention to how it looks on you --- as long as it goes over your head and no buttons pop.  right?  now  that i am in a more normal range -- i am looking at how it fits and also looking for more options -- more looks.   so now, for the first time in my life, it makes sense to me to own more than one winter coat/jacket.   new for me.

living in material world...

last week i told my Fashionable Girlfriend™ (MFGF™) that i welcomed her help in finding my new style to go along with my new body.   the fact that i shared that "need" with her to begin with is a huge step for my narcissistic self.  

one thing i am struggling with is that i want to hide my trouble spots, i want to embrace my inner punk more that i have more options and i want to not look fat.    one example i gave MFGF™ is that when i was larger that i wore those flowy flower tops all the time because that is all they sold in my size.   so want to avoid flowy because i associate them with being fat.  but yet i want to avoid tight shirts because they cling to my middle.  

so...anyhoo...MFGF™ staged a mini-intervention with me this weekend.   it was gentle and great.  i told her that the "trying on" part was the hardest for me because it was just me, the full length mirror and all my skin and imperfections.  she would always ask me if i "wanted" to try on -- instead of pushing me into something.  she would sneak into the dressing rooms after the clerk told us only one person allowed and she would distract me from the mirror.

here are my takeways....

1.  i need to stop putting off buy "good" permanent clothes, specifically tops,  now that i am 40 pounds from final goal.   i am wearing a Large.   it will be a long time before i get into a Medium -- if i even do based on my style and body type -- and MFGF™ said the Large items i buy now will still continue to fit -- just differently.  she pointed out that it was affecting my quality of life.  for example, we were going down to south beach for breakfast and i was on the verge of a breakdown because i could not figure out what to wear. i am ok with work clothes but i have nothing for the weekend -- day or night.  frustrating.

2.  i need to invest in good bras.  (i told MFGF™ about jen's bra find and she agrees with the possibilities).   i need to wear good bras when i am clothes shopping so i can get positive results in the dressing room.

3. MFGF™ kept telling me i was picking up clothes that are not cut right for my body.  after some back and forth and exploration of this she said that she thinks i am buying for the 18-24 year old set and not the 30-something (fine, almost 40) set.   and when she finally drilled down to that observation it occurred to me that i am probably drawn to the Guess hipster look or the Roxy stuff because when i was 18-24 i didn't fit into this stuff and i got to go along and watch all my friends buy these clothes.  once we recognized this it was easier for us to negotiate styles.  while, she is still holding strong with the benetton and anthropologie clothes -- i am able now to understand and rein myself in (somewhat) on the stuff that just doesn't look right on me but i WANT anyways.    i pointed out to her that at least my post-surgical regression was teenage fashion and not promiscuous sex or drugs.  she still wasn't giving me a hall pass at the Quicksilver store.  lol.    i totally get what she is saying and i am right there with her....but it is not going to stop me from getting this shirt at Guess...lol... i love the fucking 80s.   

i really think it is great that i have access to a knowledgeable, critical yet loving fashion eye.  and a lot of what MFGF™ says makes sense.   most importantly, i needed someone to say to me and point out that i needed to invest in clothes NOW if i want to feel good about my physical self.  that would have never occurred to me!

day 365

today is a day of reflection.   it is the last day of the first year of the rest of my life.  (geez....the tears are already flowing....).   tomorrow will be my one-year band anniversary.   

it really has been a couple weeks of reflection.  starting with a visit with Babbling Amy on October 29.   it was just wonderful.  we talked.  the kids played.  we sat in the hot tub.   we at AMAZING homemade broccoli ham cheddar soup.   we both talked about being "stuck" both on the scale and in our heads.   and we decided that our one-year anniversaries need not be "Day 366" but Day 1.   it is not the homestretch.  it is a new beginning.  for me, i have to lose 40 more pounds.  i have lost a gazillion this year....i *think* i can eeek out another 40.   seriously.  is 1/3 of what i have lost this year.   it is really 3-4 pounds a month over the next year.  sure, it is a step back from my rockstar 10 pounders....but not only totally doable--- but really realistic.  

i think know sometimes i get lost up in the big picture and forget to look around at the small moments.   as i typed the paragraph above i reminded myself that the first 80 pounds were lost on this journey in increments of 40.   time for me to step back and go back to the basics. 

i am training with a personal trainer twice a week.  she is the same lady that comes to my support group once a month.   four of us got together and she agreed to train with us at the same time for only $20 each per session.  it is great.  lots of one on one time.  she is helping me focus on my arms and belly.  

love life is divine.  i am definitely in the pre-stages of love.  she is just incredible.  i can't believe she is in my life.   we are really happy together.

i am still struggling with the mirror of distortion vs. the mirror of reality....so i share the following for my own reinforcement.

last year at Disney Halloween Party: 

this year.... (the princess is aerial and i am ursala from the little mermaid):

me at the grown-up halloween party last year:

me at the grown-up halloween party this year:

and so many NSVs in the last month it is sometime overwhelming.... i never really blogged in whole about vegas...so some NSVs from that trip and a report on buffet eating....

Vegas NSVs:

• i never got tired from walking.

• i danced on a bar.    in order to dance on a bar you need to climb up and down from the bar.  did that.   
•  sat on the floor of the airport.
• and i fucking ziplined down a street off the top of a 5 story building.  to do that one must get weighed.  i was waved on by by the lovely woman who stood guard at the scale.  the guy in front of me weighed in at 250 and was told he was right on the dot. 
• i shopped at Guess and bought myself two new items of clothing.  the young sales girl did not give me a funny look...instead she ran around the store picking out things she thought would look perfect on lil ole me.
• while in vegas i threw out a lot of the clothes i wore -- including all my pajamas because they were ridiculously big. 

(real quick on the buffets.... i was able to use my medical card at two buffets and pay the child's price...the M resort and the Rio....two of the nicer buffets i am told.  at our hotel the Freemont Hotel they would not allow a discount on the buffet but instead told me i could order and pay ala carte...bleech)

and here are some other NSVs....

• my personal trainer sees me as "advance" in what i can do.  i am the last person to have surgery in our group of four but she sees me as the one she can push because i don't have any "limitations".

• the hot woman i am dating stayed over the other night and did not have anything to wear the next day...so she pulled a pair of pants and a sweater out of my closet and wore them.  she is a perfect womanly size 12.  the pants were regular size 14s. Sweater was INC large.  sweater was perfect on her, pants were a little baggy.  to think i have a girlfriend who can wear my clothes....strange.   awesome.

• i wore a size 12 old navy denin skirt yesterday. 

• it feels like of cruel saying this...but it *was* one of my goals... i am NOT the fattest mom in my daughter's kindergarten class.

the jimmy buffett song "lovely cruise" has been in my head all morning.   if you don't know it...google it...listen to it... you need the tune to understand the words....i shall leave you with the lyrics as my final thoughts on this past year....because, really,  those harbor lights....they're coming into view

 

 

Drink it up

 

This ones for you

 

It's been a lovely cruise

 

I'm sorry it's ended

 

It's sad but it's true

 

Honey it's been a lovely cruise

 

 

 

These moments were left with

 

May you always remember

 

These moments are shared by few

 

There's wind in our hair

 

And there's water in our shoes

 

Honey, it's been a lovely cruise

 

 

 

These moments we're left with

 

May you always remember

 

These moments are shared by few

 

And those harbor lights

 

Aw they're coming into view

 

We bid our farewell much too soon

 

So drink it up

 

This one's for you

 

Honey, it's been a lovely cruise

 

Yea baby, it's been a lovely cruise

 

Oh darlin' it's been a lovely cruise

 

 

 



there are worst things i could do....

than kiss a girl or two....  (ok, my own tweak to Rizzo's solo song in Grease)....

i know the picture is horrible quality but you get the gist of my outfit.  woo hoo.  it is also my "farewell to fat stores" outfit.  the top is a 14/16 from Avenue.   the skirt is a size 16 from Old Navy.   i think i am officially done with fat stores now.

the Grease Singalong was AWESOME.  totally recommend it if it is in your town.   there were actually a lot of moms with kids there.   unfortunately, it is only here in town thursday, friday and saturday and  the princess and i have plans each night or else i would TOTALLY take the princess.  (we are going to see ringo starr with my parents and their friends thursday night!)

we jumped up and did Grease Lightning, Hand Jive and We Go Together.  some of the audience danced -- but not so much.  it was kind of weird because the entire audience did belt out the Stranded at the Drivein song.    kind of weird for *that* of all songs to get the most participation.

the date went really well.   we had a great time.   i am really trying to stay in the moment with this dating stuff and not choose between any of the bachlorettes or not avail myself to more bachelorettes.  this is totally the "summer of heidi".   

last night bachelorette #2 gave me a nice compliment.  during the week while i was at work meetings i we were sending text pictures back and forth and last night she told me that i "look great" and that all the pictures she has seen of me do not do me "justice".    it is kind of weird right now to take flat out compliments.  but in an effort to live in the moment i am making sure i pause and give thanks when the compliment is received -- as opposed to some stupid uncomfortable joke i have done the last 20 years.  (wow, that sentence was kind of "exposing"...but i will leave it in....).   

and not to share too many sordid details...it was kind of weird to let someone feel/see my flappy body at this point.  until all the flaps melt away or i have major plastic surgery -- i will always maintain that i was more comfortable with someone seeing/feeling my large ample body than i am with my shrunken deflated body right now.    she didn't mind...lol...so i will go with it....

good stuff all around...

while yesterday was the least amount lost at a monthly weigh-in...it really wasn't that bad.   i lost 6 pounds this month.  for a total of 84 since surgery and 145 since my known highest.  it was also the eight month anniversary of my band! 

i am pretty psyched to be 16 pounds from losing 100.   while, like most of us, i have lost 100 pounds many time over in my life...never to my knowledge in one direct journey.  even the 60 pounds lost before surgery took over 3 years and did not amount to 100!     and now to be at the point where i *only* have 60 pounds to lose.  a-fucking- mazing.

it is also the first time in 20 years -- since i was a freshwomyn (kidding  on the spelling-- i am not *that* much of a feminist) in college -- that i have weighed in the 220s.   228 to be exact.

ever since the ziggy the chihuahua boob flappin', pants falling down all over the neighborhood debacle i have been on a quest for new pajamas.  i picked up a pair at TJ Maxx yesterday.  they were a 1X.  didn't think i needed to try them on.  in fact, i thought they may be too tight and i may have to hold onto them for a while.   nope.   when i got home and put them on last night they were too big.  

i was talking to my mom about it this morning and she agrees....no more lane bryants.  no more avenue.  i need to go store exploring.  you would think a clothes whore like me would be chomping at the bit.  but i am not.  i don't know why.  i have already found my comfort zone at Old Navy.  but i know i need to go beyond that.  

my mom suggested i start with Macy's.  of course, i still have 60 pounds to lose so i don't want to go crazy shopping.   it will all work out, i know... but as others have said recently, it is kind of weird to say goodbye to my shopping comfort zone after 25 years.   i am sure i am not the only one here who's first job in retail was in a lane bryant...

i spent this morning cleaning out my camper and preparing it for our summer camping.   oh.my.god.  i was done in an hour and half -- what usually takes me 3.  i was so comfortable moving around, getting on my knees, standing on things to reach up high.   can't wait to camp in my new body.

tonight is my first date with bachlorette #2.  we are going to the Grease Singalong.   i am sooooooooo Rizzo.   will try to take a picture before i go for you all. 

have a great night!  i know i will!

oh no she didnt.............

so not only do i have a date tomorrow night ... i also have a date with someone else saturday night. (going to the grease sing-a-long no less!) so tonight i decided to run into The Avenue (plus size store) for a new shirt to wear saturday night.   i saw this really cool shirt with 80s style square jewels/stud things.   so i asked the sales woman for a 14/16 because there was only one on the floor (22/24) and one hanging up on the wall.   she said the one on the wall was an 18/20 and i crinkled my nose thinking it would be too big.  that frickin bitch had the nerve to look me up AND down as to suggest that maybe i needed that 18/20.   and in a moment of former fat bitch panic i gave in and told her i would try on the 18/20.   it was a frickin dress on me.  and you know i made sure to come out of that dressing room and show her.   lol.  

i have to say it is kind of weird to barely fit into clothes anymore at only store i have pretty much shopped at for the last 12 years....   i did end up with another shirt of similar style in a size 14/16....and i do have to say i look cute in it......grrl....i can NOT wait for saturday night! lol.

i need new pajamas and to consider toning....

sigh.   i have been hanging onto my old pajamas since this whole ordeal (dramatic much, heidi?) started.  i have a great pajama collection.     i am a "real" pajamas girl.  matching sets.  cute stuff.   my favorite pair is this well worn, perfectly soft pink/purple set.   it is so big on me that when i go downstairs in them i have to pull the pants waist band well over my chest to make sure i do not trip on them and this is with the cute purple satin waist ribbon pulled tight. 

so.....this morning we are walking goosey and ziggy.   ziggy is done with his business and goosey is taking her sweet time looking for the perfect "ziggy-free" spot.   so i tell the princess to take ziggy in the house.    WELL...she decided to take his leash off right at the front door....which has not been a problem in the past because he would walk right into the house.   not today.   since i was still outside he decided to come find me.   so when i turned around to see what the princess was screaming about (poor thing) i see a leash-less ziggy standing in the yard looking at me.   as soon as we made eye contact --- he took off.   let's just say that he ran and ran and ran to the other side of my development.   along a canal.  almost into a major street.  finally some guy came out of his house with his english bulldog and ziggy ran over to say hi and the guy grabbed ziggy for me.   this was at least 20 minutes after the chase began.

what does this have to do with my pajamas?  well, i should also tell you that i do not wear panties in my pajamas.   so i am running around my development, along a canal, almost into a major street tripping over my pajama pants that are falling down.   yes.  my very white jiggly ass kept peeping out.    oh but it wasn't just my ass.  oh no.   it was my oh-so-(not)-attractive hanging skin stomach flopping around.  making noises as it slapped against my body nonetheless.    and it wasn't just the bottom half of my body.  oh no.   it was my now ultra-saggy boobs.   the left one going to the right.  the right one going over my shoulder.   and of course my pajama top is like a dress on me now so there is no support there -- at all.   the thing only touches me on my shoulders.     i was like the mel brooks version of bo derek running on the beach.   except it was wet florida grass which is very slippery first thing in the morning when you are losing your pants.   NOT GOOD.  

so i stand in front of this neighbor guy i have never met before.   pull my drawstring ultra tight.   tuck my gigantic shirt into my gigantic bottoms and start the long walk back to my side of the development.   then i think "SHIT -- THE PRINCESS!!!!" and start having major horrible thoughts that she took off to find ziggy and me and is now lost, scared or WORST.   

thank gawd she was the ONLY smart one in our family this morning and went into the house and sat on the stairs and waited for us.  of course she was upset thinking she lost ziggy (not too worried about mommy mooning the neighborhood though).  but she was -- thank gawd -- safe and sound.  smart kid.

this weekend we are investing in some pajamas for mommy.   and maybe some with built in firm bras.   lol. 

"they" say every woman needs one...

i never had one.... but now i do....

a LITTLE black dress!

celebrating mother's day...

and working on discovering my inner MILF.   i started this journey telling you i was doing this for my daughter and only her.  they i decided i was doing it *really* to be a skinny bitch.   but here on mother's day 2010...i am proclaiming to the world that my weight loss goal is not be a better mom, sit in a kindergarten chair, be a skinny bitch or even be healthy.  my weight loss goal is to be a MILF.  ;-)

the princess is a frickin mood today.  took her to the dog park and playground and she had major meltdowns.   came home.   told her to go to her room for a time out/rest and she slammed her door (the first time) and screamed at me she was moving away because i am the.worst.mom.ever.  lol

so in light of that i am blogging, cruising the net and having a grand ole time on mother's day being ignored.  for real!

prior to all the drama we actually had some fun taking "fashion girl" pictures.

yes, i "let" the princess go out in public wearing an undershirt, butterfly tights and a yellow tutu.

father's day 2006.  siz 5x outfit out of a catalog.

mother's day 2010.  size 18 (not plus 18) head to toe.

Happy Mother's Day to all the Skinny Moms out there....

catching up on my tan...

i really don't know why i am not blogging lately. nothing is wrong. actually, quite the opposite. everything is great.

i am feeling good. i am active. and really the band has gotten to be such a "non-issue" for me. which is exactly where i wanted to be by now.

back in late december, at support group, we listed some long and short term goals. one of my short term goals was to hit the 50 pound mark and really own/work the band. i can definitely say at the 66 pound mark i am doing that. right now i am living my life to the fullest -- in relative terms, of course.

i bought myself a bike for mother's day.  and the princess and i have been riding everywhere.  i totally love "working on my tan" on it.  lol. 

this past weekend we loaded the bikes on the car and headed down to the Florida Keys.  There is a speciality shop down there that I like to get my bathing suits from and it was time to upgrade into suits that will not fall off me this summer.   also, they do a good bra fitting and carry top-shelf bras.   size-wise i am wearing a size 18 bathing suit and 36 bra size....i will spare you the cup size...lol...

we were able to get in a waterside/roadside picnic, a bike ride, a swim in the atlantic and a couple hours at a tiki bar.  good for my soul.

tonight is support group.  this will be my 3rd week in a row since i missed 3 weeks in a row.  i have to say, i am having a hard time adjusting.   but i know i need to keep going...so i will.   since talking with my therapist about the "n-word" stuff and sitting back at group more i can tell you that they are nothing but a bunch of narcissist.  lol.  and it is annoying.  what they don't know is that *my* therapist will be visiting our group in a couple weeks as a guest speaker and she is going to be exploring the whole narcissism / food addiction connection with them.  lol. 

the princess and i have been keeping busy. here are some pics of our good times...

Me and the Princess playing "Fashion Girls".  She really likes that I am wearing more "girl clothes" lately.

My Mother's Day present to myself...a new bike!

The princess and I at John Pennekamp Park on Saturday.  I asked the creepy guy taking our picture to get all of us and our bikes that we were standing in front of in the pic....but i think he was only looking at one thing...

The princess took this of me during our roadside picnic in Islamorada (mid/upper Keys) on Saturday.  I can't say enough how much i love the Florida Keys...

Princess and me on a bench in John Pennekamp Park taking a break from our bike ride.

The princess at Gilbert's Tiki Bar in Key Largo.  I have a feeling you will be finding us here a lot this summer.

Me goofing on the actress Sharon Gless (Cagney and Lacey) at the Miami Premiere of the movie Hannah Free.  There are a series of shots where I am acting like a crazy stalker.  And one final one of my friend J giving her rabbit ears.  lol.

And finally, a real one of me and Sharon Gless.  Check out those ciggies in the cleavage!  lol

what i did on my long weekend. by shrinking mommy

so i totally underestimated my restriction this morning and ate a little after a morning protein shake...this has left me sliming all morning at work...so instead of eating lunch today i will catch-up on my blogging while continuing to slime and hiccup loudly....

i haven't blogged since friday morning for no other reason than i live in paradise and was busy working on my tan.... (excuse the blurry picture but it was taken by the princess -- but check out moi in an Old Navy dress!)

so...friday we went to a water park and walking around in my bathing suit i did not feel like i was the fattest person there.  whether that was true or not, i don't care...i felt "average".   it is one of those parks with a water playground, lazy river tube ride and two water slides.   i dumped the princess on a friend and went on the water slide.  woo-hoo!   we actually were there for 4 hours.

then saturday morning we got up and the princess rode her bike for one mile while i walked along side of her and "worked on my tan".  then we went down to the pool where i found the perfect spot for the sun in the pool and moved my legs while "working on my tan".    saturday afternoon i laid 18 bags of mulch around the outside of the house and continued to "work on my tan".  i was still on post-fill liquids but hungry so had a lot of concern over my level of restriction and whether she would ever come back to me like a long-lost first love.

sunday was pretty much a lazy day for us.   we did go visit with some out of town relatives and i got my attention seeking whoreness satiated with their reaction to my weight-loss.

monday morning we decided to get up early and join some friends and watch the space shuttle take-off.  we are about 2 hours from the launch pad but in the dark of morning we got a pretty spectacular view.   

and then last night i did something different and that is part of my therapy work...instead of going to support group, i went back to my "straight book club".  they meet the first monday of every month and i stopped going after surgery.   one of the issues we have identified in therapy is my control issues.  and part and parcel of that issue is the fact that i always find myself in leadership roles.  being in leadership roles leads to me having to sometimes censor myself and that leads to frustration and a need for an outlet.   and since food can no longer be my outlet i need to find other things for me to just relax, enjoy and participate.   i am in charge as a solo-parent at home.   i am in charge as a department director at work.  i am "in charge" in many other situations i put myself into.  so in going through the things i enjoy my therapist and i identified this book club as i am the leader of my other one.   it was nice to go back.  of course i got an amazing reaction on my "new look".  this is a real interesting group for me to be involved in.   if there is ever a real housewives of boca raton on bravo i think a couple may be casted.   i once went to a rhinestone party at a member's home and i swear there was so much silicone and botox in the room i was expecting dr. 90210 to come out of the back of the house and do a housecall.   but, hey, they love me and i love them.  

i am leaving on friday for a business trip alone in new orleans.  i know... rough life.   i am committed to hitting the hotel gym or even better walking around the french quarter briskly at least twice while i am there.   also, i canceled going to place poker tonight but kept my babysitter in the hopes i can get some things done around the house and get in an hour of laps in the pool or a brisk walk.  i hate exercise.  i hate every moment of it.  but if in the end my tan improves... i will do it.  i also plan to catch up on the blogs tonight as well.

the joke was on me...

on wednesday i noticed i was getting hungry pretty fast and eating more than i "should" so i called the surgeon's office for a fill.   i did not get a fill because i was at my sweet spot two weeks ago at my monthly check-up and BAM it was gone.  so, of course, my daydream as i drove to the surgeon's office yesterday was that i would jump on the dreaded scale and see i lost 8 pounds in two weeks...NO.  2 pound loss in 2 weeks.   not acceptable.  i was so bummed.  the PA i see could see it.  i wouldn't do my usual chitchat.  i was knocked off my pedestal....big time.  i took a 1/4 of cc fill.   she says that at this point the fills are smaller.  i hope this brings me back to where i was.  so the PA and i talked and of course she talked to me about exercise.  ugh. 

so....i left there in.a.mood.  fine, i thought, i won't go back to the office and i won't pick the princess up early...i will go home and walk the fucking 2 miles around my neighborhood.  and then maybe, just maybe, i will get in the pool and do laps.   then...i drove past a fabulous shopping center and what is better than pigging out and/or exercising...that's right -- SHOPPING!!!!!  so i ended up going into old navy in the first time in years.  i know, i know, we are supposed to be boycotting them after their jeans were so mean to Jen.  but i promise i did not even look at the jeans rack.  no instead i went into the dressing room with a 2XL dress.  came out buying an XL dress!  then i went to payless and got a cute pair of flats and then Avenue for a bolero type top to wear over the dress since the dress is a tube maxi dress.  and by that time i.felt.much.better.  and, of course, by that time there was no time to really get a good exercise in so i went to whole foods to stock up on fresh soups for the next couple of post-fill days.   and by then there really was no time to do anything so i went to pay a bill in person.  who pays a bill in person in 2010?  a person avoiding reality named heidi who weighs 256 pounds...that's who.

finally, i went and got the princess from school and we did come home and go in the pool but i basically stood in a good spot for tanning.  i did move my legs a little but not much.  

last night i had 3 small chocolate eggs that the princess brought home from school.  yeah...i stole candy from my underweight kid to sabotage my weight loss.  lol.

(please don't feel sorry for me.  i am definitely not as upset today as i was yesterday and i know it will get better)

so then i got into bed and decided to catch up on all my Ruby episodes i have been dvr'ing.   i know, she is a kooky evangelical annoying virgin -- but i LOVE her!  so the final episode i caught up on was where she was challenged to change up 5 things in weight loss journey.  the idea behind that was that insanity is doing the same thing and expecting different result.  hmmmmm.  something to think about.  and of course one of my 5 things is to exercise and make it part of my routine.  i am still not sure what my other four things are but will think about it some more and most likely blog about it.

it is another day in paradise here.   the princess and i are going to a waterpark today with other lesbian families.  but first i am taking clothes to the consignment store.   i have been doing great with my consignments.  so far i have been able to walk in and "buy" new clothes and not had to lay out any money.   this latest trip pretty much clears me out.  i am at that awkward stage where i am not yet an 18/20 but i am definitely not a 22/24.   and, babbling amy, for the record...i am bringing in 8 pairs of jeans today and that leaves me with only THREE pairs of jeans.   the horror! 

that body...you know the one...

so shortly after i had my surgery a friend -- we will call her Hot Mess with an emphasis on the Hot -- came out to me and told me that a couple years ago she had the gastric sleeve.   so when i mentioned that to my friend Commando, Commando said: "i can see that.  she has that post-surgery body"....  now, i can't begrudge Commando because i knew *exactly* what she was talking about.   thin on the top between the shoulders.  illusion of straight down the middle (in clothes) and then wide at the hips and tummy.  

yep.  4 months post-op i am now sporting "that body"....sigh. 

WHY?  why does this happen?   why can i now wear an XL or 2X on top (compared to 4x) but that same top is tight at my belly?   why can't the weight come off the belly at the same time.   it makes no sense to me.

i hope i do not have this affliction forever.  i mean, seriously...i am a walking, breathing queen song...

trouble in paradise....

and by paradise i mean my wallet! 

yesterday i went by the plus size consignment clothes and found out i had $125 available to me to shop.   so i stocked up on size 22 (!!!!!) jeans to wear right now and some 18/20 tops that were too nice to pass up -- that i can wear in a couple months.   i spent $80 of my consignment funds.  

the problem is....i bought a 2X Banana Republic top.  it actually fits around my shoulders and chest, but is too tight at the waist. i also bought a size 20 Old Navy long linen skirt that fits me right now.    i am a clothes whore.  and more to the point, i have no shame in saying i covet labels.  i have not been really been able to shop in a Banana Republic, GAP, Old Navy, etc. since I was in high school (20 years).  this becomes a problem for my wallet.  it is one thing to be a clothes whore at the avenue and their clearance rack or Macy's with the occasional INC top that is 40% off...but to start to realize the stores that await my wallet.  ai yi yi!  lol.

i am refusing to wear my size 26 jeans and pants anymore and will be packing those up for Babbling Amy.

in fill/restriction news... i had a 0.5cc fill on friday to complete my 0.5cc pre-cruise fill a couple weeks ago.  according to their scale i am down 3 pounds in 2 weeks.  i want MORE loss showing on the scale.   according to my parents scale for the Love Me Challenge I am down 7 pounds since we returned from the cruise last Sunday and i was up a pound.  both the doctors scale and my parents scale pretty much line up with each other.   my parents was one more pound down, but that was after a day of only liquids since i was at the surgeon's.

i have a confession to make...for the past couple fills i have not been that great about following my surgeon's rule of 2 days of liquids and 2 days of soft after a fill.  i would usually be on softs by the second day and back to eating by the end of the 3rd day.   so far this time, i have been great.  even went to a dinner party friday night and brought my own soup.  

i just had 1/4 cup of cottage cheese for breakfast and i feel satisfied.   i want to get to the point, like i see on other blogs, that i am only eating one or two scallops and am totally fine with that.

today i am going to a potluck brunch.     i am bringing my "famous" low-carb/gluten free crustless quiche.   it is just a nirvana of 10 different cheeses.    i am hoping it will be soft enough for me.  if not, i will have my shakes with me.

i am commited to this afternoon of spending as many hours it takes to catch up on all the blogs, comment and be active in our community again.

until then...successful living thoughts to you....

ch-ch-ch-ch-changes....

things have been crazy -- but good -- here this week.  

after my 3 month post-op checkup this week, i passed over that threshold and came to accept that i really am going to lose weight and that the next year or so (weight-loss) wise is going to cause a lot of changes.

coincidentally, i also had my annual review this week. my boss basically told me that he is going to mentor me to take over his position in about 2 years (he is out of his 3rd or 4th retirement and in his 70s). this would take me from department director to a city manager/ceo position. the goals and benchmarks he laid out for me were quite high and significant. he also wants me to commit to major executive management training at a national level to make me more prepared to take his position. and true to his word, the rest of the week we got right down to business on me gaining new responsibilities -- including taking control of the policy issues in another department. fortunately, it is just policy and structure and not personnel. the human resources part of being a department director is the part i like least about my job. i have high expectations of others and their behaviors and get annoyed easily with laziness, stupidity and lack of teamwork. and with the weight-loss control going on right now i am not sure i would want to take on 50 plus people who would make me want to eat my band, forget about eating around it.

so...you put these two upcoming "changes" together -- weight loss and job -- and i have a pretty big year or two ahead of me. lots of goals. lots of self-improvement. lots of other people's expectations to meet. the truth of the matter of it is i know that i will emerge on the other side of two years looking a like a new person inside and out. wow. kind of scary. but exciting at the same time.

i never updated on support group this week because i am still digesting some of it and i don't doubt that eventually members of the group will read this blog. we had some bypass patients there this week and it is crazy the differences in our control points, outlook, etc. i will pretty much leave it there, because some things are just better left unsaid. also, i know my reaction is clouded by the fact that i am very intolerant of new people/situations. like if a website changes it format -- i freak out -- so all you girls who change your background weekly are wreaking havoc on my non-dx ocd. lol... back to support group... nothing too bad...but it would be like putting a vegetarian and a rancher in the same room together....both are going to walk away scratching their heads and having some wild perceptions about each other....

but true to form, on the surface all the regulars at my group were patient and tried to engage with the "others".   i will also say that there was a newly banded woman there and i felt bad that she was getting a mixed message on the journey. she actually beat me in how soon someone attended group. i was exactly one week post-op. she had her surgery thursday and was there monday -- is that 4 days? being the competitive one that i am, i made a mental note of her beating me. lol.

regarding the clothes issues i briefly posted about....i finally understand hoochie mama fashion. i mean WHY would someone want to wear baggy clothes when they can show off ALL their deliciousness? i hated being in bagging clothes this week. you see, i thought i was organized. i spent some time this past weekend ironing my clothes for the week so i would look nice. never occurred to me to TRY ON the clothes. the problem is that the 26s are baggy but the 24s are just a little too tight. thus, my new appreciation for hoochie mamas....

i am rocking some new glasses today. you can see them in my pic up there. other than that, i am enjoying my post-fill restriction. dating/relationship (eeek! i said the word) is going well.  the princess has been sick this week and home from preschool much of the week. between me, my mom, my mom's friend and my babysitter we have figured it out...

one week and i will be on the cruise! yippee!

5K-- no whining (out loud)

yesterday the princess and i did the susan g. komen walk with some friends.   i did the whole thing pushing her stroller.  good stuff.  i can honestly say that i left the event without the desire to say "next year i am running this".  i have no interest in running whatsoever.  

my restriction is gone, baby, gone.  fortunately, i have an appointment tomorrow.  at first i was leary about getting too much restriction before our cruise...but now i WANT it.  i am sick of the self control dieting i have been doing this week.

here is a picture of us at the end of the walk yesterday.  size 2x shirt.  roomy.  did not have to do the "put my elbows in and stretch it out until the seam snaps" technique when i put it on!  i also want to point out to all you northerners.... the blue sky.  gentle breeze on the intercoastal.  my daughter in an undershirt and short skirt.    enjoy!

we are supposed to go to the dog park today but it is one of those days where the sky can't decide if it is going to rain or not.   unfortunately, i think that cold front i am teasing you about above is on its way here.  not fair.  this is florida.  damn it.