5K-- no whining (out loud)

yesterday the princess and i did the susan g. komen walk with some friends.   i did the whole thing pushing her stroller.  good stuff.  i can honestly say that i left the event without the desire to say "next year i am running this".  i have no interest in running whatsoever.  

my restriction is gone, baby, gone.  fortunately, i have an appointment tomorrow.  at first i was leary about getting too much restriction before our cruise...but now i WANT it.  i am sick of the self control dieting i have been doing this week.

here is a picture of us at the end of the walk yesterday.  size 2x shirt.  roomy.  did not have to do the "put my elbows in and stretch it out until the seam snaps" technique when i put it on!  i also want to point out to all you northerners.... the blue sky.  gentle breeze on the intercoastal.  my daughter in an undershirt and short skirt.    enjoy!

we are supposed to go to the dog park today but it is one of those days where the sky can't decide if it is going to rain or not.   unfortunately, i think that cold front i am teasing you about above is on its way here.  not fair.  this is florida.  damn it.

Food poisoning sucks

Especially during post-date activities. Just sayin....

a poll...why not...

1. What time did you get up this morning? 6:30AM

2. How do you like your steak? medium well

3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema? princess and the frog

4. What is your favorite TV show? glee.

5. If you could live anywhere in the world where would it be? key west, florida. spending my days on a porch swing.

6. What did you have for breakfast? chopped chicken liver

7. What is your favorite cuisine? greek. opa!

8. What foods do you dislike? not much.  heavy foods mostly.

9. Favorite place to eat? with friends and/or family.

10. Favorite dressing? green goddess

11. What kind of vehicle do you drive? pt cruiser

12. What are your favorite clothes?  pajamas

13. Where would you visit if you had the chance? spain, greece, alaska, key west are my go-to places.

14. Cup 1/2 empty or 1/2 full? depends on who is holding the cup.

15. Where would you want to retire? key west, florida or orlando.  or both.  and i will.

16. Favorite time of day? home with my daughter.

17. Where were you born? fort lauderdale, florida

18. What is your favorite sport to watch? none.

19. Bird watcher? i am ornithophobic

20. Are you a morning person or a night person? i love the night life.  i love to boogie....

21. Any new and exciting news you'd like to share? nope.

22. What did you want to be when you were little?  a mom.

23. What is your best childhood memory? driving to the 1982 world's fair with my parents, sister and cousin.  that trip through the southeast US was amazing.

24. Are you a cat or dog person? dog.

25. Are you married? i am single.  it is illegal for me to marry.

26. Always wear your seat belt? yes. not just for safety but because that stupid bell drives me nuts!

27. Been in a car accident? yes.
28. Any pet peeves? lots.

29. Favorite Pizza Toppings? sausage.

30. Favorite Flower? hibiscus

31. Favorite ice cream? chocolate chip.  good chocolate chip.

32. Favorite fast food restaurant? none.  been on diets since i was 10.  that is one thing i was never allowed to "like".
33. How many times did you fail your driver's test? none.  born to drive.

34. From whom did you get your last email? my friend T.  to tell me that you can get a free disney ticket for volunteering at pride.

35. Which store would you choose to max out your credit card? disney world.

36. Do anything spontaneous lately? told my boss what i really thought of a co-worker.  i mean REALLY thought of.

37. Broccoli? raw.

38. What was your favorite vacation? every vacation with family is special to me.

39. Last person you went out to dinner with? my daughter and a "friend".

40. What are you listening to right now? the little voice in my head.

41. What is your favorite color? black, purple.

42. How many tattoos do you have? 4

43. Coffee drinker? never had a cup.

support group recap

so...remember my incident with the nutritionists? well, this past monday at support group we were introduced to our very own in-house nutritionists. yay! two young and knowledgeable ladies. sharp. let me tell you...sharp. we all shared a little with them and some veterans brought up concerns about introducing carbs back in during maintenance and how they are scared. the west coast nutritionists started asking us questions about how much we know about carbs. apparently not a lot. she pointed out that yogurt has upwards of 20g and we should only be getting 35g a day. that was a huge wake-up call for those who depend on yogurt for their protein. i personally can't stand the shit. but it was also a wake up call for me too. she encouraged all of us to go back and write everything down. count proteins, calories, carbs and fat. not so much to hit/avoid a certain number each day -- but to get a better grip on what we are actually eating each day. so i have been logging my food and water intake all week. (yay me!)


they also brought in one of those fancy dancy scales that tell you your fat content, etc. my fat content was 51%. yikes! i think she said we should be 20 or 30% -- i can't remember. not worried. i am obviously working towards that.

overall it was a great session. everyone reported about being in the green with their eating. a couple of us talked about being in the yellow with our heads. i shared how the plastic surgery lecture FREAKED me out. the bariatric coordinator was very empathetic to that. some of the veterans who had had plastic surgery already shared with me their reasons. such a great group. you all should come to florida for a long weekend and go to group with me one day. lol.

this week has been super busy.  i was in a charity poker tournament on tuesday at my folks' house.  this was only the second time that i played poker and i came in 4th place!  my dad plays ALL the time and he was 3rd so i feel really good about 4th! 

work has been shitty.  nothing terribly wrong but i hit a brick wall and it just frustrates the hell out of me.

really haven't exercised this week. i ran out and got the water bottle amy w. recommended and have been pretty good with my water. yesterday was a bad water day for me and i paid for it dearly this morning with constipation. lesson learned. got it.

tonight i have a date -- we are going to a small downtown jazz night where they keep the galleries open late.

this weekend the princess and i are joining friends in the Susan B. Komen walk.  i think it is 3 miles.

monday is my 3 month post-op appointment.  for some reason it is a week early.  i think i am going to get just a 1/2cc fill because i feel pretty restricted but could use a little more but do not want to go crazy before my cruise feb 11.   it is hard to believe that this journey is only 3 months in.  it feels soooooooo much longer and somedays i forget about the band, the surgery, etc.   it is so a part of me right now.

MIA

busy week thus far.   happy it is almost over.  working hard on not eating through work stress.  so far so good.  yay me!   i have brought my lunch everyday and have resisted not only offers to go out to lunch but even brought my lunch to a working lunch meeting where they catered in.   funny how we worry that everyone is going to judge us for eating differently and no one gives a shit.  lol.

i still need to do my post-support group blog update.  great meeting on monday.  hopefully tonight i will actually sit down and do it.

happy birthday to amy and happy anniversary to amy w!

weird dreams...

i know i was utterly exhausted last night after the whirlwind disney trip.  the princess can not walk and do the required standing at disney so i also have to push an almost 5 year old in a stroller all day.  that sounds more dramatic than it is.  she can walk...she is just unable to do long distances or times.  good thing i am not carrying my own extra weight...

but anyhoo....i had the weirdest dreams last night...the first was that we were each assigned a "section" in our support group.  i don't remember all the sections but mine was exercise.  i was supposed to lead my group in exercise every session.   in my dream i just lost it.  hysterically cried.   i was so upset.  then in my dream someone said something about my boobs and i got even more upset. (yes, i even dream about my boobs) and i was trying to explain to our leader (who in the dream was a lesbian author i know) that i didn't want to lead the exercise because i didn't want everyone to see my boobs flopping around.   dun, dun, dun....as a believer in the meaning of dreams i am thinking i may be onto a little of what the fat represents.  let's just say that having real boobs in the 5th grade is a very hard thing.  so expect some more exploration of this in future blogs.

then i had a dream that all the guys at work and my dad were opening up some kind of weight loss center that was related to the lap-band.  it was only a $3,000 investment to open a franchise.  weird. 

moving on.... disney was great.  got a couple progress/comparison shots.  i will share one here...

September 14, 2009 (bad bra, huh?)

January 24, 2010

the changes in my face are just amazing.

have a great day.  i plan to catch up on the blog at lunch today.  seeing the shrink after work.  then support group.  hopefully no crying.  lol.

Teacups NSV

The two fingers are the space between my stomach and the wheel. It has been years since I really fit, could just step on without wedging in and we could spin around!

Home Sweet Disney

a funny thing happened on the way to running away....

....Gen told me to see a shrink.

thank you Gen.   seriously.   thank you for putting yourself out there.  i actually *have* an appointment with my head-med doc on monday and in typical slipping into a downward spiral mode i was going to cancel or not show up.   now i KNOW that i HAVE to go.   it is at 6 so i will have to shuffle it with support group or try to get in a little earlier.  but i am going.  and i am going with all of you bloggers pushing me in the door.

damn frickin hormones and wonky level.   but at the same time *whew* i am not a TOTAL freakazoid.  this is just further proof that my body really is changing! yay!  i am hopeful that facing my doc we will be able to make an adjustment that will help me.

yeah, sorry, at this point in time i do not see exercise being my coping mechanism.  i like the idea of writing or blogging so perhaps i need to work on some discipline and focus there.

last night two of my dearest friends came over for a "slumber" party.   lots of girl talk.  it was fun and they helped me wrap my mind around the grrl stuff going on in my life.

and now i am signing off to go up to disney for a much needed mini-vacation with the princess and NOT TO RUN AWAY.  lol.    i've got my favorite evil queen shirt on and i am ready to go and FACE my feelings and feel frickin good.

have a great weekend.  looking forward to catching up with all you tomorrow night..... and thanks to all of you for your honesty.

mental health day

i took a day off work yesterday to have a mental health day.   i have felt overwhelmed and exhausted this week.   haiti.  i am working on a cancer event.  grrl troubles.   i also feel myself slipping into a funk of sadness.

it occurred to me that i have lost my "coping" mechanism.  food.  when i can't couldn't deal i go to food.   i no longer have that.   hence the overwhelming feeling of helplessness.  

so....yesterday i stayed home.  limited my time on the computer.  did not watch tv (until last night, hello celebrity rehab and real housewives).  and booked up a last minute trip to disney this weekend.   tonight two of my friends are coming over for a pajama party.  then tomorrow the princess and i will go up to disney. 

i need to find a more accessible coping mechanism than disney.  trust me, i love to run away to disney.  but not very practical during the work week.  and i can't stay home all the time. exercise is not my thing.  i don't enjoy it and it will not help me deal or escape.  any ideas?

EEK! Plastic Surgery

first off...before i start...you need to know that i am sitting here wearing a 2x Lands End type monogrammed work shirt -- tucked in!!!!!

anyhoo...

monday night was support group.  the third monday of the month we will be having a guest speaker.  this week's speaker was a plastic surgeon who has worked on some of our people.    i suffer from anxiety.  however, it has been MANY years since i have had a full-blown anxiety attack.   i have never passed out from one, but monday night i was pretty sure that was about to happen.  he was going through and showing us pictures of people who needed plastic surgery after massive weight loss.  i don't know what it was but i felt my breathing getting funny.   my chest tightening.  dizzy.  my inner monologue was "get up and leave.  shit.  i can't stand up.  i can't leave.  shit.  shit. shit."    i have no idea if it was the thought of 3 more surgeries (i don't think so).   the overwhelming thought that the journey does not end with a number on the scale (possibly).  the realization that i am not going to *poof* look like a stripper.    i don't know but it was pretty intense.

but....but....forget about my personal hell...the people in my support group rock.  just fucking rock.  we have two women how started (i am assuming) over 400 pounds, if not more.  they are so committed to this process.  so one of them asked if maybe it would be a good idea for someone who is half way through their journey but still has a long way to go to do some liposuction along the way.  he said no-- due to healing issues and lack of "deflation".   then our bariatric coordinator chimed in (who i know has a professional relationship with him) and asked him if it would help someone be more mobile would he consider it.  his answer was still along the negative lines.   so THEN one of our at goal -- never would think they were fat -- women tries the same question again...pushing him on the topic.   this group was just amazing.   it was as if we were collectively sitting there looking at him with clenched teeth saying "just fucking consider it for our friends". 

things are going well here.  i feel like i am in control with my restriction and amount of food.  need to back away from the "i can eat anything quality-wise" idea a little.  the major thing that i am working on this week is my water intake.  following amy w/'s advice, i know that my water bottle is 20oz.  i need to drink at least 4 of them before i leave work every day.  i have been finding that i am not drinking AT ALL at home at night. 

have a successful day...

forget the 44DD bra!

my happy ass is sitting here in size 24 "straight" jeans that i bought today without trying on to put away for a future NSV.    woo hoo.  no sucking it in to get them on.  no laying back on the bed.  i own this one. 

woo hoo.

weekend wrap-up...

so...while i was making grown women cry (yes, again) this weekend...you all were blogging. i am going through the blogs right now. i really want to be a good blog-citizen and follow your journeys closely and give substantial feedback. i know how much i love to get feedback.


YAY Glee for the Golden Globes win.

lots going on here. today is a day off from work. this weekend i collected some food from various people i know and today the princess and i delivered them to Food for the Poor which has its distribution center close to my house. they are an amazing organization. i totally believe in them. they were taking the donations and putting them right into boxes on crates for immediate shipping.

i have added my name to an active list for the possibility of fostering a haitian child. a local group that i have actually volunteered (not as a foster parent, though) on and off for since high school put out a call through the gay parenting community for names of people who are interested. did you know that Florida is the ONLY state in which gays and lesbians can not legally adopt children through the state? we ARE allowed to be foster parents. we are just not allowed to adopt these children who are available for adoption and who, in some cases, have lived with us for 13, 14, 15 years. insane. unfair. and just fucking wrong. of the gay and lesbian foster parents i have known in my life -- from other parts of the country as well -- so many of them are willing to take on the medically needy kids. the kids that are hard to place. the kids that are not attractive to others for adoption. but for whatever reason, we take them. we love them. we make them whole again. but we can not adopt them here in florida. prior to becoming pregnant with the princess i was going through the process of being licensed as a foster parent. of course, my goal was to foster and lead to adoption. my mama-urge was very strong once i turned 30. i decided to not go the foster route because i knew of the adoption issues. i also knew i could "lie" and not live my life honestly (as some i know have done) to get to the adoption table. but i don't trust the state. right now the gay adoption ban is arbitrated through the courts. i want legal protection. no regrets taking the route i did...the princess is the most perfect child someone could ask for...but my heart breaks for the babies i am not ALLOWED to be a forever mom to. and, florida legislature, i think i have proven my ability to be a traditional, damn good parent time and time again in the last 5 years! ok...i will get off my social injustice soapbox.

had a good time going out and socializing this weekend.

saturday night i went to a spoken word event. i think i am going to submit something for the april event. i want it to be about weight loss. i want it to be funny. i am thinking of doing a spoof on my blogging. i have some time to work on it.

ok...enough avoiding the weight stuff....let's see. i am doing the Love Me challenge. this means i need to jump on the scale once a week. i am weighing myself at my mom's. i don't like it. according to my mom's scale i have only lost 1 pound this week. i am upset. i am seeing some "giving up" on the band and sabotage behavior creeping in. UGH. i want to be in the challenge. i want to lose weight. i am scared that i CAN'T. UGH.

but onto the positive thoughts i keep reminding myself of...my skinny clothes are getting sloppy on me. my dad gave me a great compliment when i saw him on saturday. i feel good. i know there is an end in sight.

i did go bra shopping today. i went in wearing a 46DDD and left buying two 44DD. (what would be a post without talking about my boobs?) oh and speaking of my boobs... lol... tonight at support group our guest speaker is a plastic surgeon. i know it is a long ways off for me...but i am kind of psyched. i can't wait for the boob lift i have been wanting since high school!!!

i enjoyed doing pilates and i am proud that i did it. but i do not think it is for me right now. it is not so much that it is hard --- it is uncomfortable and at 280 pounds, let's face it, i do not have the body nor flexibility that is required. maybe i will revisit it in a couple months. i know i need to find another form of exercise. but i am not sure what yet.

this has gotten long.  i am going to finish up here and go back to being a gay biological mom in florida.  lol.

random stuff....haiti, pilates, grrl drama, clothes, my boobs...

i feel like i have not posted in for-evah.   work has gotten busy after a couple months of downtime.  i can not complain.   some random cacth-up thoughts...

haiti...this has really put me in a funk this week.   living in south florida i have a lot of haitians in my life.  be it friends of mine, friends of my daughter, co-workers or even my favorite cashier at the grocery store.    my daughter's little "boyfriend" at school is haitian.   i have not seen him all week nor his mom during pick-up/drop-off.  if i don't see them today i am going to try to get with the family this weekend to see what i can do.

when i was in middle school my parents brought in a nanny for me and my sister.   she was haitian and i will leave the circumstances of her coming here and her past life in haiti out of this...but i will tell you she was a loving woman.  fun.  crazy.   most nights my mom cooked dinner.  but on sundays Gigi cooked us her food.   as an upper middle class jewish kid in the south florida jewish suburbs i learned early a love of plantains, rice,  succulent meats.   one of my favorite memories with Gigi is that my parents sent her to english class at the local community school.   the classes were on the weekend and she and i would take the public bus out to the campus and i would sit in class with her.   it was so funny and cool to meet so many recent immigrants and laugh with them about our funny language.   Gigi eventually made a life for herself here and a couple years ago my dad actually ran into her at the home depot in my new neighborhood.    i have been thinking a lot about her.  about her family she left to come here -- including a daughter who was younger than me when she used to care for me.  

pilates....i had my first session on wednesday.   it was an hour.    she did not baby me.   i did everything on the machine.  there was only one thing i could not do.  it was the last thing we tried.   i was standing in front of the chair on the pilates tower and standing on the tension bar and i was supposed to push myself up and do tricep exercises.   i could not get my body weight in the air.   i am going to sign up for 10 sessions and stick with this.  i have been in some pain the last couple days.  nothing too bad.  my inner thighs.  my midsection (pilates core).

grrl stuff....i decided to give the woman i was seeing another chance.   i also decided to stop fighting it a little and just have fun.  being the control freak that i am this is a major step for me.

my size 26 jeans are getting ridiculously loose on me.   my consignment earnings will not be available until feb. 15th so i may have to go buy a pair or two myself in the meantime.   i sent my last group of jeans to the babbling amy.   let me know if anyone else can use the 26s in a couple weeks.  if not, amy, they are yours!

i have a "work husband".  strictly platonic.  but our departments are functionally related and we interact a lot.   through this we have always been close.  he is married with 3 small kids.  i am a lesbian with a small kid.  we have fun and it makes the intense stuff we deal with at work easier.   i have noticed this week that he is obsessed with my new body.  again, not in a sexual way. (and these types of conversations start on both ends).  the other day he wanted to know if i was going to lose my boobs.  so i shared with him my desire for a lift.   then yesterday i was in his office brainstorming on a project.  as i left he asked me more questions about the weight loss.   he said an interesting thing... he wanted to know if the lap band was so non-invasive why more people didn't do it.   i thought that was such a cool comment from a tall skinny guy with a tall skinny wife....especially when i read so many people getting negative comments about the surgery. 

How much money are you saving this week?

not going out to lunch...only ordering chili at lunch...not ordering a pizza to eat by yourself while you watch celebrity rehab on vh-1 (guilty)...not ordering chinese food ....*wink*

well??????

just sayin....

• South Florida chapters of the American Red Cross are collecting donations via the organization's website: www.southfloridaredcross.org. Click on "Donate" at the top of the home page, select "donate now" from the drop-down menu and select "International Response Fund." Cell phone users can make a $10 donation by texting "HAITI" to 90999, and the $10 will be added to your phone bill. Donations also can be made by calling 1-800-REDCROSS (1-800-733-2767).

• Doctors Without Borders, a charitable organization that runs three hospital facilities in Haiti, also is asking for donations. The organization reports on its website that its facilities, including one of the only free-of-charge surgical centers in the country, were severely damaged. Go to www.doctorswithoutborders.org Donations also can be made by calling 1-888-392-0392 or mailing a check to: Doctors Without Borders USA, P.O. Box 5030, Hagerstown, MD 21741-5030

• Yele Haiti Earthquake Fund, a charity organization established by musician Wyclef Jean, is taking donations on it's website, yele.org or send a text "Yele" to 501501 to donate $5 via your cellphone.

• UNICEF is seeking donations to the ongoing emergency relief efforts in Haiti and the Caribbean region through www.unicefusa.org/haitiquake or call 1-800-4UNICEF.

if it is monday night....

i must be telling you how much i love my surgeon's team!    have i told you yet how much i love them?  lol.  support group was great AGAIN tonight.

our bariatric coordinator gave us each a small gift.  it is a book called "dream" and it is filled with quotes that relate to dreams.   she also gave us some post-it tabs.  our assignment is to go through and pick out a quote that means the most to us and write a couple things about its significance for next week.  i have already picked out 3 4 (i AM an over-achiever):

To hope and dream is not to ignore the practical.  It is to dress it in colors and rainbows.  Anne Wilson Schaef

Without leaps of imagination, or dreaming, we lose the excitement of possibilities.  Dreaming, after all, is a form of planning.  Gloria Steinem (i am a professional land planner)

Dare to live the life you have dreamed for yourself.  Go forward and make your dreams come true.  Ralph Waldo Emerson

It's time to start living the life you've imagined.  Henry James (i think this is my favorite).

i was able to talk to the group a little about my issues with control and change.  they were very supportive.  i also shared with them my 373 picture so they could know a little bit more about me and my journey.

the coordinator asked me to talk about my blogging and how i use it to de-stress. 

i also talked about my restriction and it seems that i may be too restricted.  it was suggested that i come in for a "smidge" of an unfill.  i don't know.  i am so scared to lose restriction.  it is not like i have reflux or discomfort.  but i do understand that i am probably going to end up protein deficient soon.  i would love to hear from others who have gone through this.  i am 2 months post-op and have 6 ccs.  in the morning i can only get down a shake right now.  lunch is about 1/3 cup of chilli with cheese.  another shake.  and dinner is about 1/2 cup of something with protein.  no carbs, gluten, etc.  i may snack on a cheese stick occasionally.

i am going to cut this short...i found out this evening i need to be on the other side of the state tomorrow morning -- which means no pilates consult for me.  :-(  but i did reschedule already for wednesday.  yay me for committing to exercise!

 i will catch up on your blogs tomorrow.  (last night took me almost 3 hours!) but i have to say i am not surprised that amy w. has a skanky disposition like me.  for some reason i had that feeling.  could it be the toe-pointing, hands on hips seductive progress pics that gave it away?.... lol.....

if its monday...

that must mean it is support group night!  yay!  i actually had a dream last night about support group.  i was frantically trying to get there and reach someone from the group by phone.

today i went to a gym by my office and have an appointment for tomorrow for a free session to try out pilates.   i am hoping that i can physcially do it.   if so, i plan to sign up for some private sessions to get going.  i find that i am more responsible to other people than myself... i will keep an appointment with a trainer as opposed to trying to show up to a group class. 

the trainer was nice and said that if i sign up for private sessions that our hour sessions can be a little pilates and even private spinning.  i LOVE that!  i always wanted to go to a spinning class but was intimidated by the intensity and speed.   (also, the smell of the room at my old gym grossed me out when they would open the door to cool down during a session.

it is costly, but i am willing to make the initial investment right now.  i was going to buy a very nice new leather sofa this weekend but i think i will put that on hold and put some of the money towards my body.   also, i decided to go to a place by my work (35 minutes from home) because i actually have more flexibility at work than i do at home as a mom.

one more thing...i want to introduce you all to Chele/Banded Mommy.  she is new to this journey -- so go visit her!

more tonight after group...

restriction? could it be?

i have had 3 fills as of this past tuesday.   and i think yesterday as i started to eat for real again i realized i may be restricted....

breakfast -- 4 oz cottage cheese

protien shake in between

lunch -- matzo ball soup.  i know i should have gone with the chili but it is cooooooooooool here in florida and a mushie, soft hot matzo ball was calling my name.

protein shake in between

dinner-- ordered a caesar salad with seared ahi tuna.   the tuna steak was large and thick*.   i had 2 small slices of tuna and about 1/3 cup of salad.  then done.  in fact i got a little stuck and ended up spitting up some foam in the bathroom.

no hunger in between.   the stuck feeling came pretty fast.  i am still not sure i understand what "full" means.  anyone else with this problem?

i am happy and hope this restriction will last long enough for me to get through the elusive wall.

tonight is "the party of the year" -- and i will not be drinking.   i do not want the alcohol calories.  ok.  maybe sip one shot glass all night since it *is* a tequilla party and i do love my tequilla.

* how come when i could, and did, eat a lot the portions were so skimpy and now that i have restriction i go to a restaurant and get served a hefty piece of tuna.   not funny, food gods.

insanity part 2.5

i have been trying to quell the feelings of instability this week.  i know that is because i have come to the realization that i have given up some form of control by getting the band.   for some reason -- yet to be identified -- i used food and overeating to control something (yet to be identified).    i really need to figure out what i am trying to control and why.  

also, i am dealing with the dating thing.   having been on a dating hiatus has been another form of control.  fortunately the woman i am dating is mature enough to give me to the space i need to deal with all these changes in my life.  lesbians, stereotypically, are nesters.   they go into instant couplehood and it is rare to ask and receive space in new lesbian relationships.   did i mention that the woman i am dating is 13 years older than me?   last night it was discovered that she graduated high school the year i started kindergarten.  yikes!  lol.  i am getting some playful shit from my friends about being a cougar-hunter.  i'll own it... lol.

onto the positive thoughts.  it took me a day or two but i realized that i am only 9 pounds from losing 100 pounds from my highest known weight and in all likelihood i am actually already 100 pounds lighter than i once was.  holy shit!

i am feeling generally more positive about this wall issue.  i just wish that the reason for the weight, for the wall would come to me....

the good news is that i didn't cry at the surgeon's office...

 

....which is definitely one of my past weight loss behaviors when things didn't go right.    the not-surprising, but kind of disappointing, news is that i weigh 282.  yes.  the wall still exisits.   sigh.   deep sigh.

 

moving on....looking at the postive...i have lost 30 pounds since october 22nd.   my surgery was 2 months ago.   i am 10 pounds away from acheiving my first mini-goal of a 40 pound loss by our february 11th disney cruise.   i know believe that i will break the 281.5 wall by my next appointment on february 2nd.  i got another 1 cc fill for a total of 6.  

 

sitting in the exam room waiting for my fill (and trying not to cry) i noticed a poster on the wall that said:



Ten Rules for Living with the LAP-BAND® System: 

1. Eat only when you are hungry, and no more than three small meals a day.
2. Eat slowly and chew thoroughly.
3. Stop eating as soon as you feel full.
4. Do not drink while eating.
5. Do not eat between meals.
6. Eat only good quality, nutritious food.
7. Avoid fibrous food.
8. Drink enough fluids during the day.
9. Drink only low-calorie liquids.
10. Exercise/be active at least 30 minutes a day.

i am sure we all have seen this before.   we definitely have heard it before.   i have decided that this will be my daily checklist.  every evening i will review the list and report on my success.   i was tracking my protein, fat and calories every day -- but i started to rebel against that. 

and for my final positive thought for today.... regardless of today's weight and the wall in front of me....i will never look like this or weigh 373 again....

insanity...part 2

so, last night it took everything in me to get out what i was feeling.  now i will talk about some of the things i learned yesterday at support group.

as i mentioned, last night the mental health professional was there.   so when i told my tale of woe she suggested that i needed to identify why i had a wall up at 281.5.    she mentioned possible trauma, abuse, etc in my past.  as far as i know i don't have that and i mentioned to her that i had a pretty good childhood and that my parents were always these jolly fat people.   she zeroed in on that and offered the possibility that my fat was my connection to my family and maybe by losing the weight i was scared of losing the connection with them.   that is quite possibly true.

i am 37.    i am a professional.  i am a mom.  i own my own car, home, life.  but at the end of the day my mom's approval of me is the most important.    we talk throughout the day.  if she is not upbeat when i talk to her i keep calling back until she is.    it has always been this way.   i remember about 13 years ago i was in counseling for my anxiety.   for some reason we were talking about my grandfather (the love of my life) and his impending death.    i forget how we got there but the counselor asked me what would happen if my mom and grandmother died before my dad and grandfather.    my reaction was visceral.  i just bursted into tears and hysterically cried.  i remember telling her that i had never thought of my mom or grandmother dying.   that session haunts me.  (ironically, my grandmother died about a year later and my ill grandfather lived for 5 years after she passed).

i've got mommy issues.  that is all i know.   also ironically, that was the last counselor i was ever able to connect with.  i have seen 3 or 4 different counselors since i have been back in florida (10 years).    none of them have worked for me.  for some reason most of them end up telling me about their lives in our sessions rather than helping me.

one of the most successful women in our group mentioned last night that she started seeing a counselor about 8 months into her journey (she is 2 years out).  she said the person specializes in eating disorders.   i think i may reach out to the mental health professional from last night and ask her for some recommendations.  

like she said -- i need to figure out why this wall exists because it will keep popping up even when i pass 281.5.  and i tell you what...i am not going through this head case shit the first weekend of every month as i prepare for my monthly post-op appointment.

the insanity slowly creeps back in....

i am just going to lay it all out there....i am feeling like a head case the past couple days.   how does the old saying go?  you can take the fat out of the girl but you can't take the girl out of the fat?

i kind of feel like debbie downer right now since i have new followers today.  i want to be on my best behavior and dazzle you with my success and perfect band life.  

sigh.  that's not going to happen.  lol.

at the beginning of last week i felt restriction.  i was working the band.  

by saturday night it was gone.  or was it?   i don't know anymore.

i don't remember what i ate saturday night. (old behavior -- using food like a drug.  basically blocking out the bad behavior). i do know by sunday night i had 3 dinners.  ok, 4.  granted they were all (about) 3oz and spaced over 3 hours.  but i was totally grazing.   i failed the band and it failed me.   i never got stuck.  didn't feel restriction.  nothing came back up.   and i kept going back for more. 

what else did i do wrong?  i avoided my blog all weekend.  which means i avoided reading other blogs for support.  i avoided lbt.  shit, i avoided everything.

today after some deep reflection i can say it was definitely a case of mind over matter.

why?  oh, i'll tell you why.  tomorrow is my 2 month post-op appointment which means it is --- dun, dun, dun --- weigh-in day.   last time i weighed in i was 288.  that was 3 weeks ago and it was 2 pounds down from the week before.  so if everything goes as prescribed....i will be 282 tomorrow.  well, maybe not.  why?  because 281.5 is my personal wall.  that is the lowest i have gotten with any weight loss attempt in the last 10 years.   and for whatever reason at 281.5 i stop.  and my lovely bat shit crazy self decided to sabotage myself the last couple days.   of course i did not realize this until after dinner number 4 last night (at 11:30PM)...

so what happens today?  do i collect myself and move forward.  nope.  the old behaviors kick in.  i neglect the lunch i packed for myself today and not only go out to lunch -- but i go an hour early.  i start thinking about "starving" myself the rest of the day.  so then i eat a small piece of candy to kick of my fast.   i also start to think of the old weight watcher weigh-in day tricks... laxatives, water, etc.  sigh.  

i am happy to report it is not all doom and gloom.   i did some things right.   instead of going to book club i went to support group because i knew this week the mental health professional would be there.   i spoke up and asked for help and listened respectfully when it was offered.  even if it was uncomfortable.   i am blogging.  

part of me is so mad at myself for letting this wall, this figment of MY imagination get the best of me.   i have the band.  i have the tool.   i know that during these first 6 months or so that i would have to work hard not to lose weight.  not only can easily break through my wall, i can get pretty far away from it.   but that inner bitch in me is too strong willed at times.

this post has exhausted me.... more tomorrow...

thank you all for your wonderful comments.... they really mean a lot to me.

for amy w.....

this was actually online at the at the sun sentinel today.   thought of your comment the other day!