some end of 2009 thoughts and my word...

today has been filled with emotions.  i am usually not reflective on new years eve.  eh.  ya know?   but today is another one of those days in paradise.  75 degrees.  nice breeze.  blue skies.  you can't ask for me.   i promised the princess that we would go to a playground and have a picnic today. 

i am ashamed to say that in her almost 5 short years i have done limited outdoor activities with her.   i live less than 10 minutes from the beach and the only two times her feet has touched the sand has been once when we drove up the coast to watch the space shuttle launch and we stopped off in juno beach for her "first" trip to the beach.   she was almost 4 that day.   the second time is this past september when we went on a disney cruise and actually frolicked on their private beach.   my adversion to the beach has nothing to do with bathing suits.  i live in florida.  i spend all summer in a bathing suit in the pool.  my aversion to the beach is no different to my aversion to anything that requires energy and attention.   weighing over 300 pounds it is hard to do such simple things like taking your daughter to the playground.  not something i am proud of.  

so anyhoo... today i took one large step towards my Kindergarten Challenge victory.   we went to the playground.  (me stylishly in my 22/24 top and the princess in her always appropriate pink cowgirl boots).   but not only did we go to the playground we also took some blankets and had a picnic for lunch.  i was able to sit on the ground without the fear of getting off the ground and not uncomfortable from supporting my back.  sure, getting up was less than graceful... but i fucking did it.  

the other thing going on today is that i emptied out my closet this morning.   the amount of clothes i have is obscene and unnecessary.    i have 3 piles going -- consignment, charity and craigslist.  i definitely see a style shift in my future.   less flowy big print tops and little more muted lesbian preppy -- ala ellen degeneres.    why do fat people, and by fat people i mean me, think that big flowy prints make them look good????

and finally...my word for 2010 will be believe.  i believe this will be my final weight loss journey.  i believe in my ability to sustain and work the gift of the band.  i believe in me.   cue cher music....

i am a gleek....

i am going through glee withdrawl.  sigh.   i think i may have to get the box set tomorrow...

progress pics -- 7 weeks post-op

Me (and the princess) on September 17, 2009. I am the one trying to hide my body behind a 36 pound 4 year old.  I can't wait for our cruise in February to do some great comparison pictures!

Me today -- December 29, 2009.   New sweater and new "skinny" jeans.  The biggest difference I see thus far when i look at myself in the mirror is my face, shoulder width and my waist (apparently i had one afterall).     Also my smile.   This is the smile i used to have in my younger days.  A smile that would have people coming across bars to compliment me on my eyes and smile....

supported...

no, i am not talking about my boobs (again).  support group was tonight, silly!

i know i have said it before...but i will say it again... i love my surgical team.... tonight we ran about 30 minutes over but by the end of the meeting we were pretty much all in tears including the surgeon's wife/facilitator.    it was just an emotional floodgate tonight ending with this group declaration of thanks for the care and support they offer to us.  for basically saving our lives, making each of us feel valued and most importantly believing in us and not judging us.  i know at the end of the day it is a business for them -- but a lot of businesses can learn a lot from them.

so tonight's exercise was basically ending the year in a reflection mode.  we went around the table a few times and answered the following questions:

1.  What negative thing are you leaving behind in 2009?  (we also wrote this answer down on a sheet of paper and place it in a box/crypt  that said RIP 2009 on top.

• i wrote down "excuses" and "worrying".   i said that i was sick of making excuses for not losing weight and worrying about my parents approval and the what ifs.

2. What positive thing did you accomplish in 2009?

• i said my decision to have the surgery.   and i said that related directly to what i buried in the box -- no more excuses.  no more worrying about my parents approving.  letting go of my sister's unsupportiveness (because, you know, nobody wants their morbidly obese sister to ever be thinner than them....).   i got claps from the group and the facilitator said it was really deep.  i just said "really?"  lol.

3.  Short-term / Long-term goals for 2010.

• Short-term: own the surgery.  get to that 50 pound mark where i really understand it and am working the band.
• Long-term:  break the cycle of food abuse/obesity in my family by becoming a healthy weight so my daughter will have no recollection of me morbidly obese.  (and this is where the tears started for me....)
• because the tears were flowing i did not say the other part of my 2010 goal which is to sit in a little kindergarten chair on parents night when my daughter starts kindergarten in august 2010.   i will NOT be the most obese mother in that room.  

so now it is your turn.... tell me...

i think lbt got her period...

is it just me or is the vibe at lbt today very cranky?   snark-a-roni is on the menu today apparently....

people are being blasted for being confused (and honest) about their feelings.   others are scared to answer for fear of being told off.

lbt is not my first rodeo. i have been actively involved in internet boards for about 15 years now. i have been banned from some. i have been part of creating the "anti" version of some. i even pissed someone off so much that she had a "secret" board where she talked about me all the time. but lbt is a different animal.

there has been one subject i have wanted to comment on for a little now but have resisted the urge.      have you seen posts where someone is just not having major surgery, but a device implanted in them for the rest of their life and they announce they have not told their spouse and have no intention of ever telling their spouse.  seriously...what the fuck?     that is not flame worthy but someone coming to the realization that they have been fooling themselves all these years that being fat was "ok" is flame worthy?

i don't get it.  there i said it.

poop, eggs and a date...

in no particular order....


poop --- i took a senakot this weekend. that helped. i think after holing up in my mom's bathroom for an hour made this an issue of "national" importance in the family. so she had it sitting next to my purse when i finally emerged. it helped. so i picked up some yesterday. specific suggestions on foods that are high in fiber and easy to eat are welcomed. this is a whole new world to me.

eggs --- good suggestions. it could very well be the time of day. that never occurred to me. i eat egg whites because that is what i like. i usually do a taste of goat cheese in them and that taste goes great in eggs whites. i can try a regular egg. i used to always say my favorite dinner was breakfast for dinner!

date --- all is well in that department. it actually was not the "first date". she had come over to hang out this past wednesday. you know what they say… no rest for the wicked! …. yesterday we went down to fort lauderdale beach to one of my favorite restaurants. i should lose 10 pounds this week just for the former bad behaviors i shed last night. i ordered the onion soup with no crouton. i mostly sipped the broth and picked at the melted cheese. I barely made a dent in it. for my main course i had an appetizer that they call a blue crab martini. it is fresh crab with avocado chunks, wontons, mayo and tropical salsa. i had them leave off the salsa since i am allergic to mangos and i just picked at the crab and avocados. it was served in a martini glass and I left more than half of it behind. it was divine. i did get a glass of wine while we were waiting for our table but only took a couple sips and i didn't even desire the bread on the table.

it was a beautiful night in south florida last night. 70 degrees. so we drove back to my place along the beach with the windows down. paradise, man. paradise.

i am glad i decided not to wait until i was "skinny" to jump back into the dating game. i am having a good time in my skinny size 24 (!!!!!!!) jeans.

iam going in to work late today so i can go do blood work at my primary doctor. my plan for work today is to catch up a little on work and catch up on my blog readings. tonight is support group. as always, looking forward to that!

warm end of december wishes going out to each and every one of you…

breaking up is hard to do...

but, i am sorry to say that me and egg whites are no longer.  boo hoo.  after an hour of on and off vomiting, spitting and productive burping this morning i think we are going to take a break...maybe we will try one more time next week.

it was good while it lasted.  sigh.

tonight i have a date...stay tuned... we are going to one of my favorite beach front restaurants.  lots of seafood.  i will probably go with the crab cakes.  or maybe just onion gratin soup.   we'll see...

LIES! LIES I TELL YOU!

just sayin....

gold stars all around...

thanks for all your support on my dating interest. work has been crazy busy this week (with a consultant from 8AM-11PM yesterday, for example) so i have not made any contact yet... i have kind of surmised that most, if not all, of my lap-band readers are straight. not that there is anything wrong with that....lol... but i am not sure how much you know about lesbians and their dating habits...but i am the anti-lesbian. no u-hauls, cats or tevas for me. so what i am saying is that a date is just a date. ok, so maybe it may be more (wink, wink)...but it is not this big pressure cooker for me because i am perfectly happy and content in my single life.

like i said, work has been crazy these past two days. jammed pack with a consultant. yesterday i did a 400 mile tour of various sites. and we have been eating out. i am trying to focus on the positives... i did not eat bad enough to vomit. my skinny jeans (size 26) still fit me tonight. i followed some rules like cutting up my food and boxing up most of my lunch. the choices were "ok" but they could have been worst. last night we were at a spanish restaurant. i only took a couple sips of wine. no bread. for my meal i did not order a large main course. instead i had crab bisque and a shrimp in lemon butter tapas. that meal alone earned me a gold star in my book! no bread. no rice. no large portion. no large quantities of red wine. pretty impressive, if i do say so myself...

and! and! AND! i actually said i had to run an errand and had an employee take the consultant back to where she was staying before dinner to so i could run to my wls support group before dinner last night. granted i could only stay for 15 minutes -- but it was so important to me not to miss group because of dinner.

i am so glad i went...did i ever tell you how amazing my surgeon's office is? his wife is the baratric coordinator/ARNP and she also runs our group. since i had to leave early she asked me to report in first. i told her i was really frustrated with how i tend to "test" the band. she said it was common. i talked about how i was really trying to focus on eating slow, etc. and i jokingly said that they need to lock in a room for a couple months before surgery and force us to change how we eat and chew. she laughed and said "funny you should mention that!" huh? well, it turns out they are talking about doing dinner lessons. get a group together and go out to eat. they will critique our eating. even have a timer on the table to show us how long we have to wait between bites. she said it takes 21 days to change a behavior and they are trying to find ways to help us. i told her "sign me up!". i mean, really, it would be so nice to have dinner with my medical team and have them help me.

tomorrow i only work a half of day and i promised the princess she could go to work with me. then we are going to get our nails done -- mani and pedi -- (i told you i am the anti-lesbian). and then it is four days of really nothing to do. it is the most wonderful time of the year -- to be jewish...lol...no obligation to see family this week. no crazy last minute shopping. no large family meals. easy peasy....

but to all my friends who do celebrate --- merry christmas!

getting back in the saddle

not sure why i haven't posted all week except work and life has been crazy busy.

all is good with the band. i am still struggling/learning to eat slow and stop before it is too late. but i feel like i am getting better at both each meal. i have built such an incredible support system through my family, friends and co-workers so they are helping me stay positive and on track.

i am thinking about jumping back into the dating scene. i have been on a more or less self imposed dating sabbatical since last spring for various reason. mostly it was getting frustrating trying to date, be a mom, have a life, etc. something had to give and dating was the only thing that made sense to give up. a couple things have been going on... i am feeling good lately, it is time and i have met someone who has piqued my interest. turns out today i found out that i have piqued her interest too. she wants to get together this week... could be interesting. part of me thought i would wait until i was close to goal before getting back out there. i don't know why i thought that -- maybe putting it off felt safe and secure. i don't know. last february i had a big break-up. i felt that she was clingy and needy. she thought i had too many walls up. almost a year later i will admit she was probably more right than i was. i hope somewhere in the 25 +/- pounds i lost were some of the bricks of that wall....

second fill

i went in today for a second fill. yes, it was only one week ago that i got my first. only 0.5ccs but also talked to the PA for a little while about where i am... we both think that i need to up my calories a little too. the issue is, the band is working. it is telling me when to slow down and stop eating. but at the same time i am crazy hungry about 2.5 hours after eating. so i need to stick to the 1/2 cup - 3/4 cup quantity but up the caloric quantity.

listen, i hated both math and science in school... and all these numbers are giving me a headache! lol. but i appreciated her coming in and analysing my intake to help me do this right.

the other benefit was i got to hop on the scale... down 2 pounds this week... so obviously i am doing something right --- especially since this week included the weekend i was away from home and in someone else's kitchen and ate out a lot. but, really, i don't want to be uncomfortable or struggle too much.

RIP Roy Disney...

i forgot to report...

we got in late last night and the princess and i stayed home from school and work today...so i am kind of out of it...

i returned the seat belt extender!!!! i think i am still in "diet" mode because on the way there i did not need the extender but i still kept it for the flight home "just in case". the funny thing is that on the way home i was in the middle seat and the lap belt for the woman next to me was wrapped up in mine and i was able to move a little to the other side to allow her to unwrap hers without any effort or having to undo my belt!

it felt so good last night to "return" the borrowed, ahem, seat belt extender!

first vacation with the band

all in all the trip to maryland for hannukah was great. it was great seeing my cousin and i am so happy the kids got to play together. i left 89 degree weather to go to 34 degree weather in 2 short airplane hours! i am happy to be home in the land of flip flops.

my fill was last tuesday and while i know the band is working, i can definitely eat more than i should most of the time. i think i am going to try to get in for another fill this week. my doctor told me last week to come back this week or next if i felt i needed more and not to wait.

i think i remained in control with my eating. i learned quickly on Friday night that i can no longer graze while i am cooking. i was making the traditional latkes (potato pancakes) and i was trying them here and there as i cooked... by the time dinner came around i was full. i waited a little while and was able to have some roast with no problems.

when we first got into town i stopped off at the grocery store and got premade shakes, hummus cups and some cottage cheese so i would have good food in my cousin's house where they are all skinny, athletes and can (and do) eat junk food all the time.

saturday night we went out in historic fredrick for tapas. it felt like tapas were invented for bandsters! i had the platos de ahumados -- smoked bluefish, salmon and trout. the picture makes it look bigger than it was... maybe 2oz of each fish. loved it. i also had a raw tuna lollipop which was about 1 oz of tuna. i definitely took care of my fish cravings but also suffered all night being hungry. i actually gave in about 20 minutes after dinner and drank water. fortunately there were no problems.

on sunday they made a mcdonalds run. i ordered a 4 piece chicken nugget. i was stuck after a couple fries and one nugget.

but then on sunday when we were driving to the airport i stopped off to fill the rental up with gas. i ran into the store and grabbed sun chips for the princess and i bought a small bag of combos for myself. well...i got stuck BIG TIME while driving on wet roads somewhere i was unfamiliar with. by the time i handed the rental back over i was PBing all over the BWI rental car garage. not good. but what really pissed me off is that once we got checked in and down to the gate and i started looking for dinner for the princess i saw that there was a crab restaurant. it occurred to me that had i not pigged out and gotten sick and just waited for dinner i could have enjoyed a nice maryland crab cake. lesson learned.

tonight is support group. i am really looking forward to going. i missed it last week for my book club.

taking flight

so...i have a confession to make... a couple years ago i stole a seat belt extender from the airlines. ok. that is not true. i stole TWO seat belt extenders from two different airlines since i travel both frequently for work and they have different seat belt designs. i just hated having to ask in front of co-workers...

tomorrow the princess and i are flying to maryland to spend hannukah with our cousins and apparently see some snow (!!!!).

i am so hoping that i will be "returning" that seat belt extender this weekend and leaving that piece of my morbidly obese past behind...that would be very nice.

i also wanted to share some tips my surgeon gave me on tuesday at my fill.

• almost all "issues" with the band, in his opinion, is a result of eating behavior as opposed to being too tight, etc.
• slow eating. fork down between bites.
• cut up all the food into pea sized pieces before you eat so that every bite is the right size.
• sip water constantly between meals. the more lubricated your esophagus is, the easier food will go down.

have a wonderful day!

i realized tonight that i am nothing more than an attention seeking whore. ok, i am working on the whore status -- but i am an attention seeker.

i was at a community meeting and had to give a presentation. there were about 50 people there and about 15 different people raised their hand to make comments or ask questions. and with each one i found myself thinking "here it comes, they are going to publicly ask me how much weight i have lost! yippee!" and gosh darn, not one person did.

what a bust of a night. lol.

i am an official bandster now!

i have the band. i have my first fill. 4.5 ccs total.

you know how they say that after surgery you find other things to do besides eat or constantly think about eating? and you know how during our pre-op time we don't believe them? can't wrap our minds around that concept? today i finally get it! now instead of starving myself before doctor weigh-ins or rushing to get something to eat after weigh-in -- i rush through traffic so i can update my online weight-loss ticker! lol.

another 5 pounds down today. total weigh loss is 22 pounds. yay me!

the fill went great. i requested the surgeon do it and got to chat with him. it literally takes 30 seconds. i feel fine but i do know quite well that i really need to take small sips right now. chew, chew, chew. sip, sip, sip. i think i need a tape with that on it to listen to in my sleep.

he also mentioned he heard about the nutritionist and told me that his office is not the only one having these issues. he says it is frequent discussions with colleagues around the state. he said that the whole pushing carbs thing is a big problem for his practice. i suspect they will be bringing in their own person soon and stop using the hospital nutritionists.

i am wearing a new (size 26) black and white polka dot shirt today and size 24 side-zip cigarette pants. people are freaking out about my look and the noticeable difference.

ok, the important stuff is done -- weight loss ticker is updated and blog is current... need to get back to work...lol.

"how much weight have you lost? you are getting THIN!"

....said the guy from IT as i was passing him in the hall this morning!

then the boss of the SNL guys who i previously mentioned and i were meeting/shooting the shit. he is my partner in crime at work and he thinks i have the biggest balls in the organization so the conversation is pretty backroom with us...so i start to give him shit for not noticing my weight loss...he tells me that he has noticed and has been talking behind my back to people about it...lol.

then i walked into my archnemesis' office and his secretary (who loves me and despises him) stumbled over her words... "hi heidi, um. hey. yeah. you can go in." i am pretty sure that i did not have a booger coming out of my nose and it was the change that is becoming apparent this week in my face, shoulders, etc. it is amazing what roughly 20 pounds can do.

loving it!

tomorrow is the big day! 1st fill! it is also a very busy working mom day...breakfast meeting at 8:30 (i will have hot tea)...fill at 10...hop on a helicopter at 2PM to travel across the state...community dinner at 5:30 (i will maybe have a protein shake)...community meeting at 6:30....hop on helicopter back to south florida... while this is all going on my babysitter will be rushing from her day job to get my daughter (she has a 30 minute window to get about 20 minutes away), feed her, bathe her and put her to bed. let's hope that the stars align for all of us tomorrow!

one more thing...

i totally forgot to post that i did 30 minutes of richard simmons disco sweat this morning! i do lurve me some richard simmons....

the battle between the jewish mother and the 2X t-shirt...

the 2X t-shirt won!!!!!

quick back story...1 week post-op i hosted a tomboy tools party. at the party i ordered a t-shirt. since i was only living on soup and protein drinks back then i was very optimistic about my journey so i ordered the 2x t-shirt instead of the 4x t-shirt. i know i could usually wear 3x if i had to, but if 4x was available i would take it. so my mom called me before placing the final order to confirm that i wanted 2x. i said yes, because it would be silly to buy a bigger size if i wouldn't be able to fit into it. my mom responded that it would be a while before i would fit into 2x. i took it as her being protective of my feelings because she has first hand witnessed almost all of my emotional breakdowns after not doing well on diets since i was 10.

well, this weekend i got the shirt and it fit! like, it fit well enough that i wore it all day and night! yay me! and when i saw myself in the mirror i could see that my shoulder width looked smaller.

nothing else really happened this weekend. my parents, me and the princess went bowling last night (me in my 2x shirt) and that was lots of fun. today princess and i played games and did puzzles. i actually sat on the floor comfortably with her. i am not sure if i have ever played on the floor with her....

i also dropped some $$$ at lane bryant. i needed more spanx (i am lovin them) and they were advertising this black and white polka dot blouse (size 26). i have a thing for black and white polka dots. using a coupon i was also able to get two more shirts free...one to wear now and one to use as a goal -- size 22.

i always reflect when i see people post that they never want to shop at lane bryant again. i can't say that...i have wanted for a long time to shop at lane bryant. they *only* go to size 28. it hasn't been until the last year that i could even consider shopping anywhere *but* the avenue who goes to size 32.

i officially weigh-in on tuesday (at 10AM --- no, i am not ready for my fill or anything...lol). but i did jump on my parents wii yesterday and i was down 4.6 pounds. yay! that is pretty much my target on tuesday -- 4 pounds which would be 2 pounds a week.

have a great week!

and the plot thickens....

today i got a call from my surgeon's (florida) west coast nutritionist. his west coast office has their own nutritionist since it is not associated with the hospital here on the east coast. she went through what i was eating and was very positive and helpful with some suggestions...ie. premade shakes are less filling that powered shakes. she is very strict on the time frame but at the same time encouraging. we got to chatting and she told me that she is now handling all the self-pay pre-op consults for both coasts. (they are not set up for insurance yet). which is VERY interesting based on some of my blog readers observations. i wonder how many people were being discouraged in the pre-op consult...

anyways, she was very nice and told me that even when she needs to correct patent's behaviors that she will find some positive. she offered me her cell phone number and email address and said i can call her anytime and that when i start solids she wouldn't mind reviewing my food journals. i really commend the surgeon's wife/bariatric coordinator for her follow through.

in other news, yesterday i spent some time at work with a constituent who had his lap band surgery one week before mine. this gentleman has always been special to me. he has always offered me inside political views to help me in my job and defended me when the heat was on me. we would talk about our weight every now and then. i was so surprised and happy to see him when i walked into my final pre-op class. so yesterday we compared menus and experiences. we also lifted our shirts and shared scars. lol. if you are keeping count -- this is the second (male) constituent at work i have lifted me shirt up for since surgery. lol.

my employer is doing a donation drive for the Pine Ridge Sioux Indians. they are among the poorest native americans in this country. so the princess packed a large box of stuffed animals, coloring books and new crayon boxes from her room. she also offered up her bicycle. (i will get her a new one for her charity). i decided to pack up all my 30/32s that i was going to consign and donate them.

this weekend should be pretty low-key. tomorrow i am helping my mom at a holiday marketplace. she sells tomboy tools. but other than that we are just chilling out.

cheap and easy post...

some random ramblings...

stayed home from work today. needed a mental health day. i have felt "weird" all week and there was some moist stuff, i think they are called tears (sp?), randomly coming from my eyes. lol. i have an IUD so i don't get my period...but i sure felt pms'y and didn't want to act bat shit crazy at work.

ran into the woman who convinced me to see the surgeon. it was such an warm and emotional (see above) conversation. she has lost over 100 pounds since having her lap band in nov 08. just amazing. i will be forever grateful to her for sharing her story with me over lunch at a work event this summer.

there must be a full moon in pre-schooler sphere because my daughter has been whacked out the last couple days (see above). i actually brought her home from school early today to give her some extra attention and get her to chill out. when i was little my mother always wish a child just like me on me when i was being bad (a l0t). i wish she would lift the spell. having a 4 year old throw you 14 year old attitude over what she is wearing to preschool is getting old.

i am ready for my fill next tuesday. i feel out of control with my food (see above). not the type of food but the amount and frequency. i want this journey to start for real and i want it NOW.

i need to commit to exercising (see above).

i didn't sleep with a binder on last night and today i felt pulled again. this time where i assume the stoma/band are. i have the binder on now and it seems ok. did i tell you all i am a hypochondriac? lol.

glee is on tonight. i like glee. i hope mrs. shu gets busted for lying tonight. quinn too. i read somewhere that next week is the last episode before april. i hope both those issues are resolved.