scared of restaurants....

considering my situation with no restriction right now i am scared to death to eat at a restaurant.   because i am scared to death to gain weight.  

thursday we were going to an event in the evening close to my office.   there happened to be a fundraiser that evening at Ch*p*lte for a group i support as well.    so it made sense to go there since we had to eat out anyways.   i obsessed about this all day thursday.   finally i decided to go to their website and i found a handy dandy calculator where you could build your meal.   playing around on it i was able to come up with a combination of items that interested me and was relatively low in calories and carbs but high in protein.   i went with a bowl -- no rice -- with fajita veggies and cheese.       honestly i included the cheese because i thought I would only eat half of the bowl.  i ate the whole thing.   to be fair it was not like the bowl was filled.  it was a scoop of carnitas and a scoop of peppers and onions and a couple tablespoons of cheese.  according to the calculator it was 310 calories, 5 carbs and 36 protein.   i think that was a wise choice and i felt calm and in control, even eating the whole bowl.

but this whole eating out of the house thing stresses me out right now.   like tonight...we were visiting Love's dad in Miami and it got late and Love and Princess were "starving" so instead of driving the hour home to where i had snapper ready to cook...we ended up going out.   we choses Burgrefii which is "eh".... i had a small patty with swiss cheese no bread (i am allergic to wheat).    i stayed away from the fries.  

fortunately i keep verbalizing that eating in restaurants scares me right now and i think Love is "hearing" me.  like tonight when she suggested mexican i promptly told her that anywhere with chips on the table is off limits.   trigger foods.

tomorrow we are going to Disney for the day.   again eating out.  it is not unusual for us to picnic with our own food in the park.  but tomorrow we are not.   nervous.   i have some meal destinations in mind.  but there are so many unknowns.

 i am scared.  scared of gaining more weight.

a proper meal plan

so when i was starting to figure out that "something was not right" i made an appointment with the nutritionist so i could get a refresher. of course i left my appointment and got a full calorie grande hot chocolate from starbucks (i don't like coffee) and carried around all the notes from the nutritionist in my purse for a week or so until i retired the, now creased, papers to my kitchen counter...under some corn nuts.  yummmmm.  corn nuts.

so i pulled out the sheets over the weekend when i was freaking out and they sat on my bedside table until last night when i actually picked them up and glanced at them.

since i still haven't reviewed the sheets in their entirety i figure i would retype them.  (i used to recopy my classroom notes in college as a way to study....)

here is the weekly meal plan she provide me with...

*************
Carbs < 40 grams a day
Protein 70-80 grams
Fruit 15 grams carbs
Vegetables 5-10 carbs

Breakfast should be 2-3 oz of protein or dairy with optional fruit.   Sources of protein should be high protein ricotta pancakes or cottage cheese or yogurt with almonds (for crunch) or egg or protein shake.

Between breakfast and lunch -- "fluid" --- now i am wondering if at the time she said this was just water or was it a shake?

Lunch should be 3oz of protein and 1/4 - 1/2 cup of vegetable.  Sources of protein are meat and then for the veggie do something crunchy to avoid chips....cucumber, zucchini, squash fries, chips out of parmesan.  or quinoa salad or beans -- like chickpeas.

Between  lunch and dinner -- "fluid" (????)

Dinner should be 3 oz of protein and 1/4 - 1/2 cup of vegetable.   some ideas include taco salad or broccoli slaw with a protein or asian cole slaw (eat smart brand) with salmon or seared tuna.

*************

so...now i am thinking if i am supposed to have 8 - 9 oz of protein that is 56 - 63 grams of protein so maybe a snack  should be a shake to get me to 80 grams.  i drink EAS which are 17 gram each.

seems like my plan of the last couple days lines up closely with the plan the nutritionist provided me with.... but, honestly, this is due to the unfill....before the unfill i could not imagine getting in my daily water....and forget about vegetables and fruits.

i am having a hard time remembering if i followed this kind of meal plan during year one and year two.  of course my memory of everything is that it was sooooooooooooooo easy.  and i just woke up skinny one day.  my hindsight is always through rose colored glasses.

is this thing on?

so....how do you start a post after almost two years of avoiding blogging?   an apology?   an excuse?  a lie?

it is not lost on me that during the EXACT time that i was not blogging i gained weight.

my "new" dream job two and half years ago turned into a nightmare that i am still living.   i walked into a toxic dysfunctional environment and was expected to fix it and thrive in it at the same time.   no support from about.  maliciousness from below.   they were digging into my "past" to get me fired.   ("they" are all gone now, btw) and i was scared shitless somehow they would find this blog.   now i don't care.  i mean i care...but i am not going to be held prisoner by these people.  the place is still toxic, unfriendly and dysfunctional.   now it is no longer a dream job but merely a paycheck and a stop on the career path.  sad.

the former girlfriend who was previously referred to as "The One Who Got Away" (TOWGA) is now my partner/girlfriend/whatever we call ourselves.  i will now refer to her as Love.  our lives are completely melded.  we are raising the Princess as a co-parents.   it is nice.  like anything it has its challenges but we are committed.  and this has kept me distracted and busy.

so...you put together a bad job situation with a "new" relationship....and all caution got thrown to the wind.... size 12s turned into 14s turned into 16s and there are actually a couple 18s hanging in the closet.  all the weight gain is in my stomach and thighs.   since the boob job and because my shoulders and collar bone present fabulously....i can pretend that i am not that fat by looking in the mirror from mid-boob up.  i am very good at that, by the way.

and now...here i am.  sitting here at 223 pounds.  i used to weigh 193.   then i went all the way up to 239 and a few months ago said enough is enough and went back into see my lapband doctor after avoiding that for almost a year.    weighing in at a whopping 239.   i got a fill.   but something was not right.   i lost 10 pounds the first month post fill but then only 4 pounds.   i was tight.   oh yeah.  i was tight. but aren't we supposed to be tight?   sometimes i couldn't even keep water down.  finally last month i said i was scared i slipped my band and requested an upper GI.  i wasn't scared i slipped my band.  i was just scared and wanted to see my band on the screen.   due to summer vacation and other obligations i did not have the upper GI until this past friday.... the cute nurse told me it would take "15 minutes"....4 hours later we were all still staring at the screen waiting for the thick barium swallow to go down.  it was just sitting there in my esophagus.  something was not right.   yesterday i saw the doctor.   "maladaptive eating behavior"...."esophageal dilatation"..."slight stomach dilatation"..."an impressive upper gi to say the least" the doctor said.  i basically created a second pouch in my esophagus.  so when i was not throwing up, i was storing food.  so 6 of my 11ccs came out.  gone.  for a month.  i'm scared.  

fortunately no slip.  no erosion.  everything should go back to normal in a month and we will slowly add about 4-5 ccs back in.  

the doctor told me that the next month will be tough without restriction...but "do the best you can and we will get you back to where you want to be".... oooooooooh.  i like a challenge.   so basically Mr. Doctor you are saying i will gain weight this month.   oh, fuck you.  no i will not.   i will show you.   i always have to be right.  and right i will be....

this fear has motivated me.   since yesterday i have logged all my food.  drank more than enough water (because i have no restriction....).  i even biked 4 miles two nights in a row.  i lost 180 pounds without exercising a lick and now i am scared for my life and exercising.  or least the last two nights i have exercised.

and i have blogged.   don't fuck with me, you stupid lapband.   i will win.  i always win.

here is a pic of me, Love and Princess....