so….today i met with the mental health counselor to start exploring why i am obese and how i am going to stop being obese both physically and mentally. it comes down to this…it is my parents’ fault. lol.
official diagnosis: i was/am an overindulged spoiled brat. and as a result my identity has become enmeshed with my parents. i am most likely to some degree a narcissist.
here is how we got there…i started talking about my life. i explained that i have no abuse in my past. we talked about my history of weight loss struggle and obesity. she began to identify a “hole” or “emptiness” that i was trying to fill with food pretty much my whole adult life. and she zeroed in on what was already suggested to me…that food is my relationship and link back to acceptance in my family.
but as we talked some more she started to extract how much i really am enmeshed with my parents. (she used “enmeshed” as a clinical term throughout our session)
she also started to identify that i am pretty good at avoiding spending time inside myself (commando and junior – focus…don’t let your mind wander there….). she asked me what kind of activities i enjoyed… i mentioned reading, hanging out, etc. everything i mentioned apparently is “external” and does not involved facing myself. well, except blogging.
she thinks there is more that we need to explore with this “emptiness” and gave me some tools to start to identify them. i narrowed down the “worst” time for me is at night after the princess has gone to bed. i am supposed to keep a grazing/emotional eating log. when i want to eat outside of meal time i am supposed to log the following:
1. time/place/feeling
2. what is going on – ie. the precipitating event
3. i am supposed to wait 20 minutes and log what i do during that time and how i feel – ie. anxious, mad, bored, etc. here is when i should take out a special glass and drink a non-caloric drink.
4. do i still want to eat – yes or no? if yes, what am i feeling? if no, why not?
5. what did i eat?
the goal with this exercise is to eventually identify the “precipitating event” that leads to my grazing/binging.
the next tool i am supposed to start doing making a “feelings collage”. she has asked me to go get some magazines and when i am feeling empty or bored i need to start cutting out things and make a collage. i like to scrapbook and i love art and sayings, so i think i can have fun with this. she said that it is not only a tool for us to explore my thoughts, but it is a good activity to get me doing something with my hands (instead of shoving food in my mouth) and for me to start spending more time inside myself. ( seriously, junior and commando, must you go there?)
she also asked me, as long as i felt like sharing, to bring in snippets from my blog. of course the smart ass in me who wants to avoid dealing with shit is thinking of printing out the mindless posts about my boobs and poop. lol
and my final assignment for the week is to keep track of examples of where i am seeking approval or obsessive contact from my parents or other enmeshment incidents.
i have to tell you that this enmeshment stuff is weighing heavy in my heart. i know that i am not going to totally cut my parents out of my life, but she is suggesting that i need to find ways to shift away a little in order to identify myself as i go through this weight loss journey since it seems that my weight is part of my familial identity. but for me…right now…i feel like i just found out that my parents are not really my parents. what i am trying to say is, i am scared shitless to really step back and look at my relationship with my parents and shatter the perfect world i may have created in my head and begin to deal with the imperfect world inside my mind. sigh.
of course we also talked about my daughter and how i am most likely repeating this pattern with her…as my grandmother did with my mom and my mom did with me. she feels it is the right time to change the course of history. last night i admitted to my close friend that late at night i find myself not only watching the princess sleep, but her whole life i have been taking pictures of her sleeping. it is a way for me to capture the “realness” of her. it is hard to explain. but my counselor today got it and told me that i need to stop it immediately. sigh.
so, the synopsis is…i was raised by an enabling obsessive mother to be a narcissistic woman with no sense of myself who was raised herself by an enabling obsessive mother…and i am nothing but an enabling obsessive mother who has no independent identity and avoids herself by eating. and we were/are all fat. lol.
catching up on the rest of the day….
this morning i posted about my tightness. karma bit me on the ass – big time. my staff was in town today and they were so fucking annoying and ornery. don’t keep coming into my office (while i am trying to calmly eat lunch) and argue against doing what i asked you to do two weeks ago. long story short…i finally slimed/vomited at work. and today was the day. i could not keep anything down and it was a constant running back and forth to the bathroom all day. i am kind of pissed. but whatever. i had a hot drink tonight after support group and hopefully that has opened me up for tomorrow.
and of course, to add to my stress…i was left without childcare tonight. i refuse to miss support group…so the princess went along with me. i have to give that kid credit…she was an angel for the entire hour and half we were there. quiet. did her homework and read her books. such a sweetie.
support group was great. we all checked in on where we were in our zones. a lot of good information came out. did you know that we should avoid microwaving our leftovers because it dries them out – which leads to getting stuck? i did not realize that. i felt so honored – two different people reference something i had shared at past meetings while they were checking in. it is nice to feel like you are contributing to the success of others.
this post is ridiculously long, and i am exhausted. sweet and protein filled dreams to each and every one of you….
Hopefully you are comfortable with what the therapist is saying and feel there is some truth to it. If you think it's a crock, don't try to over think everything to make what she says right. Just because a therapist says it, doesn't always make it so. You'll know deep down if she hit a nerve. Hopefully you don't mind my 2 cents. I'm not a therapist - nor do I play one on tv - but I've had a few crappy experiences. However, I do think therapy can be a great tool as long as the therapist doesn't have a God complex. Take care.
ReplyDeletehey bonnie, thanks for your concern. i think this one is right on target. for example, she would be saying a generic mom/me action and before she was finished i was blurting out unsolicted an example -- most happening in the last 24 hours.
ReplyDeleteshe is young and fortunately does not have that god complex. my problem in the past is the ones that feel too comfortable with me and start telling me all about their lives or even other patients --one by NAME who the therapist knew was a constiuent of mine!
i am also happy to get with someone who didn't say i was empty because i was fat and gay.
I commend y ou for going to a therapist, I have always wnated to go but I feel like I know what she will tell me already if you knwo what I mean??
ReplyDeleteSucks about the sliming at work....hope you feel better.
How old is your daughter? I think I remember reading she is 5? What a sweetie for sitting still that whole time.
Gurl....I could tell you some therapy stories!
ReplyDeleteBut, my last therapist was really good and he was able to tell me things that no one else had been able to tell me before, perhaps, I had never been able to hear them before, I don't know. Any way, I commend you for approaching your weightloss in such a complete manner. I know from personal experience that my binge eating is really a symptom more than it is the main issue. I enjoy your blog and your honesty. Thanks for sharing.
Tess
Thank you so much for posting that. I really like the idea of logging the events. Sometimes mine are over and done with before I even know what happens. It's rare, very rare, but it happens. I need better recognition of my feelings.
ReplyDeleteSo much work this is. Geez... if we only had willpower this would be so much easier... (sarcasm)
I'm really glad you posted this. The idea of logging the evening overeating specifically (a big problem area for me) is such a good one, I'm going to give it a try. Good luck, I hope this goes well for you!
ReplyDeleteWow. I could have seriously written a lot of your post. I KNOW I am too enmeshed with (in?) my mom. And what she thinks of how I run my life. And how I raise my children. And every. little. thing. I. do. I first realized it was a problem when everything I'd bring up in therapy, I'd find myself saying, "My mom thinks..." Like you said, I have been avoiding this in therapy, because I know it's going to lead to an uncomfortable place where I am going to have to make some changes in our relationship. But you have inspired me to do so...
ReplyDeleteAnd finally, I learned the hard way about microwaving leftovers. My first PB was on a piece of shrimp in leftover-microwaved pad thai. NEVER again.
Sounds like I should keep looking for a good therapist. :) The ones I went to before were primarily about marriage issues, so maybe I'll do better finding one for just me.
ReplyDeleteThat's so interesting about your therapist's approach -- thanks so much for posting this and for being so open. I'm a big fan of therapy as well.
ReplyDeleteI don't know if the following will be helpful to you, but I've found it helpful for myself. I've come around to a certain way of thinking through the years -- basically, I recognize that my parents are not perfect (since they are human and all) and that their f-ed up attitudes toward weight are the reason that I put on so much weight. For me, it boils down to a control issue, and packing it on was the ultimate F you to parents who obsessed about my weight throughout my life and made me feel fat when I plainly was not.
What has been really helpful for me was to come to the point where I recognize all of that. I accept it as what happened in the past and can move past it by acknowledging that I'm an adult now and that my behavior and attitudes are my responsibility now and that I am the only person who has control over them.
So, while the past wasn't perfect, I recognize that no one else's messed up ideas or attitudes get to dictate my present or future. Now that I'm at that place, I find that it's more productive to think about my current actions, behavior, and future plans than to focus any more energy looking back on the past. That said, I fully believe it's important to do the work on understanding the past (which it sounds like you are doing) so that you can eventually move beyond that and focus on how to make things better as you move forward.
OK . . I know that's a lot of information, and I almost didn't post this! But, I thought it would be worth posting in case it resonates with you and helps you to think about the end goal for the work you're doing now!