Tall

this one goes out to the one i love.... this one goes out to the one i've left behind... (did you know i used to party with michael stipe in grad school? my major is one of his pet causes...do you know what it is?)

anyhoo...a friend reminded me yesterday of some crappy stuff that happened a couple months ago after she was reading my blog about my changing physical self. so... i work in a pretty intense environment. the politics are raw. i am also the only woman department director amongst 4 other department director. and as one of those guys says lovingly (he is the director of the snl guys i talked about) --->i am also the one with the biggest balls. and of course the size of my balls really plays into the insecurity of a couple of these guys. so they are always looking for ways to undermine me. backstab me. get me out of the picture. so about 4 months ago we got a new executive above us. and as always happens when we get a new boss (we blow thru them, lol), the insecure guys spend the first couple weeks just bad mouthing me. for example, within the new boss' first couple weeks he was telling me that i come across "strong", etc. remember i work with all men. they are strong leaders. i am a bitch. of course, my work always stands for itself and here we are four months later and the only thing that has happened is the new boss has figured out how unproductive the whiners are.

so....in the course of the drama a couple months ago i stopped by human resources to chit chat with a so-called friend. at some point the conversation turned to the rough road i was having and the "issue" of me coming across strong. and very long story short...HR woman thought she was being helpful and proceeded to tell me that i was...Intense, Intimidating and....Tall. TALL? ladies, i am 5'6 1/2". i lie on everything and say i am 5'7". TALL? when she said this she tucked her chin in, lowered her voice and her hands went out to the side. TALL. i smiled. got through the converation and went home and just fell apart both privately and via email with my friends Commando and T Jr.

Of course we all know what Intense, Intimidating and Tall (ITT) mean... Intense = Too Smart For This Place. Intimidating = Too Jewish. and Tall = Fat.Large.Of a Certain Physical Stature.

i was devastated. she left me feeling like if i did not change EVERYTHING about myself i would not survive this new boss. she even suggested that when people come into my office i stay seated behind my desk so i don't overpower them. or when i give presentations i stay seated for the same reason. (and, before you say it...i can't report her. where i work is very unique and the rules of the game (HR) are VERY different).

so i started wearing scarves. lighter colors. pearls. painting my nails light pink. not that there is anything wrong with that... but i am 37. i have a somewhat edgy style and i feel like i have earned the right to be myself and not dress in a way that is not me. my dear friend, T Jr., got me into the mindset that the pearls and scarves are my uniform and it really helped me get through this hump.

so i guess i am wondering what will she say in a year when i am much "shorter"? lol.

ironically, i had to talk to the same HR woman yesterday about an employee and she was just going on and on about all the good stuff she has heard from the new boss about me and how much he likes me. she was saying she was so happy for me and relieved. by the way, i have been wearing more and more of my edgy stuff lately too. lol.

here are too all my TALL-soon-to-be-SHORT friends.... have a great thanksgiving!