i need new pajamas and to consider toning....

sigh.   i have been hanging onto my old pajamas since this whole ordeal (dramatic much, heidi?) started.  i have a great pajama collection.     i am a "real" pajamas girl.  matching sets.  cute stuff.   my favorite pair is this well worn, perfectly soft pink/purple set.   it is so big on me that when i go downstairs in them i have to pull the pants waist band well over my chest to make sure i do not trip on them and this is with the cute purple satin waist ribbon pulled tight. 

so.....this morning we are walking goosey and ziggy.   ziggy is done with his business and goosey is taking her sweet time looking for the perfect "ziggy-free" spot.   so i tell the princess to take ziggy in the house.    WELL...she decided to take his leash off right at the front door....which has not been a problem in the past because he would walk right into the house.   not today.   since i was still outside he decided to come find me.   so when i turned around to see what the princess was screaming about (poor thing) i see a leash-less ziggy standing in the yard looking at me.   as soon as we made eye contact --- he took off.   let's just say that he ran and ran and ran to the other side of my development.   along a canal.  almost into a major street.  finally some guy came out of his house with his english bulldog and ziggy ran over to say hi and the guy grabbed ziggy for me.   this was at least 20 minutes after the chase began.

what does this have to do with my pajamas?  well, i should also tell you that i do not wear panties in my pajamas.   so i am running around my development, along a canal, almost into a major street tripping over my pajama pants that are falling down.   yes.  my very white jiggly ass kept peeping out.    oh but it wasn't just my ass.  oh no.   it was my oh-so-(not)-attractive hanging skin stomach flopping around.  making noises as it slapped against my body nonetheless.    and it wasn't just the bottom half of my body.  oh no.   it was my now ultra-saggy boobs.   the left one going to the right.  the right one going over my shoulder.   and of course my pajama top is like a dress on me now so there is no support there -- at all.   the thing only touches me on my shoulders.     i was like the mel brooks version of bo derek running on the beach.   except it was wet florida grass which is very slippery first thing in the morning when you are losing your pants.   NOT GOOD.  

so i stand in front of this neighbor guy i have never met before.   pull my drawstring ultra tight.   tuck my gigantic shirt into my gigantic bottoms and start the long walk back to my side of the development.   then i think "SHIT -- THE PRINCESS!!!!" and start having major horrible thoughts that she took off to find ziggy and me and is now lost, scared or WORST.   

thank gawd she was the ONLY smart one in our family this morning and went into the house and sat on the stairs and waited for us.  of course she was upset thinking she lost ziggy (not too worried about mommy mooning the neighborhood though).  but she was -- thank gawd -- safe and sound.  smart kid.

this weekend we are investing in some pajamas for mommy.   and maybe some with built in firm bras.   lol. 

"they" say every woman needs one...

i never had one.... but now i do....

a LITTLE black dress!

celebrating mother's day...

and working on discovering my inner MILF.   i started this journey telling you i was doing this for my daughter and only her.  they i decided i was doing it *really* to be a skinny bitch.   but here on mother's day 2010...i am proclaiming to the world that my weight loss goal is not be a better mom, sit in a kindergarten chair, be a skinny bitch or even be healthy.  my weight loss goal is to be a MILF.  ;-)

the princess is a frickin mood today.  took her to the dog park and playground and she had major meltdowns.   came home.   told her to go to her room for a time out/rest and she slammed her door (the first time) and screamed at me she was moving away because i am the.worst.mom.ever.  lol

so in light of that i am blogging, cruising the net and having a grand ole time on mother's day being ignored.  for real!

prior to all the drama we actually had some fun taking "fashion girl" pictures.

yes, i "let" the princess go out in public wearing an undershirt, butterfly tights and a yellow tutu.

father's day 2006.  siz 5x outfit out of a catalog.

mother's day 2010.  size 18 (not plus 18) head to toe.

Happy Mother's Day to all the Skinny Moms out there....

about that skinny bitch.....

I have decided to not only embrace my inner skinny bitch -- but to let her out and own her.   granted i weigh over 250 pounds.  and granted, i don't even know how much i weigh for real because i have a scale-phobia...but putting that and my size 24 22 (!!!!) jeans aside for a moment.... i am one.hot.skinny.bitch.  lol

as part of being a skinny bitch i am no longer going to talk about getting the band to "be heathly" or any other bullshit.  i did it to look good and to make a lot of women eat my dust.  lol.  

i am tired of being nice and polite about this weight-loss game.  lol.   i am one.hot.skinny.bitch.  

you with me?

ok... this all came about because the other night at support group it kind of became a bitch session about the group.  and a woman who has a long journey ahead of her (and behind her) said that she struggled with all the maintenance people talking about how perfect everything is when she is struggling.   one of the most successful in my mind said: uh, no, we are just pretending everything is perfect.  we still struggle.  

so...i figured if they all can pretend they are perfect skinny bitches as they hover at their goal weight for a couple years...i can pretend i am a skinny bitch while i still lose weight.

"hollering" about love handles

i have been watching my love handles disappear.  it has been interesting...my left one disappeared almost immediately.  my right one was not going anywhere.  i noticed the other day that it is almost gone.  YAY!   but then i just saw this article.... i am not a barfly by no means... but i do like to stop into one every now and then... i hope i don't come to regret losing weight one day...  lol!

Woman says her love handles saved her life

After incident: ‘I want to be as big as I can if it’s going to stop a bullet’

The Associated Press

updated 7:05 p.m. ET, Tues., Feb. 23, 2010

ATLANTIC CITY, N.J. - A Florida woman said her love handles saved her life when she was shot entering an Atlantic City bar. Samantha Lynn Frazier said she heard two pops when she walked into Herman's Place early Saturday. The 35-year-old then felt pain and saw blood on her hand after she grabbed her left side. Atlantic City police said Frazier was an innocent bystander.

Detective Lt. Charles Love said the gunman was aiming for a man who escaped with a bullet hole in his down jacket.

The suspect remains at large.

Frazier told The Press of Atlantic City that "I could have been dead. They said my love handles saved my life."

Frazier also told the newspaper that she had been "hollering" that she wanted to lose weight. She now said "I want to be as big as I can if it's going to stop a bullet."

URL: http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/35549378/

apparently, i do not have a moon shaped face afterall

circa 373

(wearing slimming black)

circa 272

(excuse the bad complexion...it was after the 5k this weekend)

thanks for indulging me!

random stuff....haiti, pilates, grrl drama, clothes, my boobs...

i feel like i have not posted in for-evah.   work has gotten busy after a couple months of downtime.  i can not complain.   some random cacth-up thoughts...

haiti...this has really put me in a funk this week.   living in south florida i have a lot of haitians in my life.  be it friends of mine, friends of my daughter, co-workers or even my favorite cashier at the grocery store.    my daughter's little "boyfriend" at school is haitian.   i have not seen him all week nor his mom during pick-up/drop-off.  if i don't see them today i am going to try to get with the family this weekend to see what i can do.

when i was in middle school my parents brought in a nanny for me and my sister.   she was haitian and i will leave the circumstances of her coming here and her past life in haiti out of this...but i will tell you she was a loving woman.  fun.  crazy.   most nights my mom cooked dinner.  but on sundays Gigi cooked us her food.   as an upper middle class jewish kid in the south florida jewish suburbs i learned early a love of plantains, rice,  succulent meats.   one of my favorite memories with Gigi is that my parents sent her to english class at the local community school.   the classes were on the weekend and she and i would take the public bus out to the campus and i would sit in class with her.   it was so funny and cool to meet so many recent immigrants and laugh with them about our funny language.   Gigi eventually made a life for herself here and a couple years ago my dad actually ran into her at the home depot in my new neighborhood.    i have been thinking a lot about her.  about her family she left to come here -- including a daughter who was younger than me when she used to care for me.  

pilates....i had my first session on wednesday.   it was an hour.    she did not baby me.   i did everything on the machine.  there was only one thing i could not do.  it was the last thing we tried.   i was standing in front of the chair on the pilates tower and standing on the tension bar and i was supposed to push myself up and do tricep exercises.   i could not get my body weight in the air.   i am going to sign up for 10 sessions and stick with this.  i have been in some pain the last couple days.  nothing too bad.  my inner thighs.  my midsection (pilates core).

grrl stuff....i decided to give the woman i was seeing another chance.   i also decided to stop fighting it a little and just have fun.  being the control freak that i am this is a major step for me.

my size 26 jeans are getting ridiculously loose on me.   my consignment earnings will not be available until feb. 15th so i may have to go buy a pair or two myself in the meantime.   i sent my last group of jeans to the babbling amy.   let me know if anyone else can use the 26s in a couple weeks.  if not, amy, they are yours!

i have a "work husband".  strictly platonic.  but our departments are functionally related and we interact a lot.   through this we have always been close.  he is married with 3 small kids.  i am a lesbian with a small kid.  we have fun and it makes the intense stuff we deal with at work easier.   i have noticed this week that he is obsessed with my new body.  again, not in a sexual way. (and these types of conversations start on both ends).  the other day he wanted to know if i was going to lose my boobs.  so i shared with him my desire for a lift.   then yesterday i was in his office brainstorming on a project.  as i left he asked me more questions about the weight loss.   he said an interesting thing... he wanted to know if the lap band was so non-invasive why more people didn't do it.   i thought that was such a cool comment from a tall skinny guy with a tall skinny wife....especially when i read so many people getting negative comments about the surgery. 

How much money are you saving this week?

not going out to lunch...only ordering chili at lunch...not ordering a pizza to eat by yourself while you watch celebrity rehab on vh-1 (guilty)...not ordering chinese food ....*wink*

well??????

just sayin....

• South Florida chapters of the American Red Cross are collecting donations via the organization's website: www.southfloridaredcross.org. Click on "Donate" at the top of the home page, select "donate now" from the drop-down menu and select "International Response Fund." Cell phone users can make a $10 donation by texting "HAITI" to 90999, and the $10 will be added to your phone bill. Donations also can be made by calling 1-800-REDCROSS (1-800-733-2767).

• Doctors Without Borders, a charitable organization that runs three hospital facilities in Haiti, also is asking for donations. The organization reports on its website that its facilities, including one of the only free-of-charge surgical centers in the country, were severely damaged. Go to www.doctorswithoutborders.org Donations also can be made by calling 1-888-392-0392 or mailing a check to: Doctors Without Borders USA, P.O. Box 5030, Hagerstown, MD 21741-5030

• Yele Haiti Earthquake Fund, a charity organization established by musician Wyclef Jean, is taking donations on it's website, yele.org or send a text "Yele" to 501501 to donate $5 via your cellphone.

• UNICEF is seeking donations to the ongoing emergency relief efforts in Haiti and the Caribbean region through www.unicefusa.org/haitiquake or call 1-800-4UNICEF.

i am a gleek....

i am going through glee withdrawl.  sigh.   i think i may have to get the box set tomorrow...

i forgot to report...

we got in late last night and the princess and i stayed home from school and work today...so i am kind of out of it...

i returned the seat belt extender!!!! i think i am still in "diet" mode because on the way there i did not need the extender but i still kept it for the flight home "just in case". the funny thing is that on the way home i was in the middle seat and the lap belt for the woman next to me was wrapped up in mine and i was able to move a little to the other side to allow her to unwrap hers without any effort or having to undo my belt!

it felt so good last night to "return" the borrowed, ahem, seat belt extender!

taking flight

so...i have a confession to make... a couple years ago i stole a seat belt extender from the airlines. ok. that is not true. i stole TWO seat belt extenders from two different airlines since i travel both frequently for work and they have different seat belt designs. i just hated having to ask in front of co-workers...

tomorrow the princess and i are flying to maryland to spend hannukah with our cousins and apparently see some snow (!!!!).

i am so hoping that i will be "returning" that seat belt extender this weekend and leaving that piece of my morbidly obese past behind...that would be very nice.

i also wanted to share some tips my surgeon gave me on tuesday at my fill.

• almost all "issues" with the band, in his opinion, is a result of eating behavior as opposed to being too tight, etc.
• slow eating. fork down between bites.
• cut up all the food into pea sized pieces before you eat so that every bite is the right size.
• sip water constantly between meals. the more lubricated your esophagus is, the easier food will go down.

have a wonderful day!

cheap and easy post...

some random ramblings...

stayed home from work today. needed a mental health day. i have felt "weird" all week and there was some moist stuff, i think they are called tears (sp?), randomly coming from my eyes. lol. i have an IUD so i don't get my period...but i sure felt pms'y and didn't want to act bat shit crazy at work.

ran into the woman who convinced me to see the surgeon. it was such an warm and emotional (see above) conversation. she has lost over 100 pounds since having her lap band in nov 08. just amazing. i will be forever grateful to her for sharing her story with me over lunch at a work event this summer.

there must be a full moon in pre-schooler sphere because my daughter has been whacked out the last couple days (see above). i actually brought her home from school early today to give her some extra attention and get her to chill out. when i was little my mother always wish a child just like me on me when i was being bad (a l0t). i wish she would lift the spell. having a 4 year old throw you 14 year old attitude over what she is wearing to preschool is getting old.

i am ready for my fill next tuesday. i feel out of control with my food (see above). not the type of food but the amount and frequency. i want this journey to start for real and i want it NOW.

i need to commit to exercising (see above).

i didn't sleep with a binder on last night and today i felt pulled again. this time where i assume the stoma/band are. i have the binder on now and it seems ok. did i tell you all i am a hypochondriac? lol.

glee is on tonight. i like glee. i hope mrs. shu gets busted for lying tonight. quinn too. i read somewhere that next week is the last episode before april. i hope both those issues are resolved.

Tall

this one goes out to the one i love.... this one goes out to the one i've left behind... (did you know i used to party with michael stipe in grad school? my major is one of his pet causes...do you know what it is?)

anyhoo...a friend reminded me yesterday of some crappy stuff that happened a couple months ago after she was reading my blog about my changing physical self. so... i work in a pretty intense environment. the politics are raw. i am also the only woman department director amongst 4 other department director. and as one of those guys says lovingly (he is the director of the snl guys i talked about) --->i am also the one with the biggest balls. and of course the size of my balls really plays into the insecurity of a couple of these guys. so they are always looking for ways to undermine me. backstab me. get me out of the picture. so about 4 months ago we got a new executive above us. and as always happens when we get a new boss (we blow thru them, lol), the insecure guys spend the first couple weeks just bad mouthing me. for example, within the new boss' first couple weeks he was telling me that i come across "strong", etc. remember i work with all men. they are strong leaders. i am a bitch. of course, my work always stands for itself and here we are four months later and the only thing that has happened is the new boss has figured out how unproductive the whiners are.

so....in the course of the drama a couple months ago i stopped by human resources to chit chat with a so-called friend. at some point the conversation turned to the rough road i was having and the "issue" of me coming across strong. and very long story short...HR woman thought she was being helpful and proceeded to tell me that i was...Intense, Intimidating and....Tall. TALL? ladies, i am 5'6 1/2". i lie on everything and say i am 5'7". TALL? when she said this she tucked her chin in, lowered her voice and her hands went out to the side. TALL. i smiled. got through the converation and went home and just fell apart both privately and via email with my friends Commando and T Jr.

Of course we all know what Intense, Intimidating and Tall (ITT) mean... Intense = Too Smart For This Place. Intimidating = Too Jewish. and Tall = Fat.Large.Of a Certain Physical Stature.

i was devastated. she left me feeling like if i did not change EVERYTHING about myself i would not survive this new boss. she even suggested that when people come into my office i stay seated behind my desk so i don't overpower them. or when i give presentations i stay seated for the same reason. (and, before you say it...i can't report her. where i work is very unique and the rules of the game (HR) are VERY different).

so i started wearing scarves. lighter colors. pearls. painting my nails light pink. not that there is anything wrong with that... but i am 37. i have a somewhat edgy style and i feel like i have earned the right to be myself and not dress in a way that is not me. my dear friend, T Jr., got me into the mindset that the pearls and scarves are my uniform and it really helped me get through this hump.

so i guess i am wondering what will she say in a year when i am much "shorter"? lol.

ironically, i had to talk to the same HR woman yesterday about an employee and she was just going on and on about all the good stuff she has heard from the new boss about me and how much he likes me. she was saying she was so happy for me and relieved. by the way, i have been wearing more and more of my edgy stuff lately too. lol.

here are too all my TALL-soon-to-be-SHORT friends.... have a great thanksgiving!

new body. new eating style. new car.

just because it makes me dance in my seat...