being an addict....a response to your comments

i guess this is part 2 of the judgemental blog....  yes.  i am an addict.  i agree.  i am addicted to eat/coping through food.   not just coping with bad things...coping with life in general.

the last session i had with My Therapist we talked about how i feel like the "weight loss" part of my mental health journey is pretty much in control and how i really want to dive into the addict stuff.   we talked about how i often think throughout the day "holy shit.  i am an addict".   as an aside she suggested accupuncture.   i still need to find time to look into that.

when i meet with My New Therapist on friday i think i am really going to talk to her about the addict stuff.

when i got the comments to my last blog in my email they each came right.at.the.right.moment.   when i was questioning myself and my boundaries.  when i was about to give in to the woman "suggesting" that instead of us meeting for coffee the other night she "just come over" to my house.  i have kindly, and without saying much about my boundaries yet, put her on hold until i get my head on a little more straight (ha!) with the thoughts of my addiction and her condition.

i think the comments i received were so helpful and spot on i wanted to respond and explore them here...

from DiZneDiVa /Maria
It's is hard hearing people say that they are comfortable with the weight they're at or comfortable with their bodies... When you've been there and know it's not true. I don't think you should not date someone because of their weight but you need to do what's best for you and dating someone with weight issues currently, maybe cause a relapse for you like any addict. Addicts are told not to date fellow addicts. It may be good for her to date you, see how you eat and change her own habits but I wouldn't want you to get too involved and end up getting hurt when you realize the relationship is causing you more harm then good. I was 475 pounds... so I know the emotional torment that comes from that.

my thoughts: yes, maria.  you are right.  i am an addict and i need to function as one in EVERY aspect of my life .   your response was first and it helped validate me and and nudge me that it is "ok" to identify as an addict. 

Marie said...

Good post. I do think you need to think about your boundaries and how dating someone who is obese affects you. You want to lead a healthy lifestyle and does this person want to do the same? I know that is important to me in finding someone to have a relationship with. This lifestyle is just that - a lifestyle and we have worked so hard to get the weight off. Being with a partner who helps us with these goals is very important. Good luck!!!

my thoughts:  boundaries.  my boundaries.  i need to think about my boundaries more consciously.  thank you.

amandakiska said...

This would be really hard for me. I've always been a bit of a "chubby chaser" myself, but I have changed so much and I'd be afraid that my healthy habits would be de-railed by associating with someone who has such different priorities.

my thoughts:  i am not even a "chubby chaser".  my type usually is very good girl types or girls who pretty much have men falling over hemselves to get to. but i definitely like a nice body with appropriate curves. always have. always will.  in college i dated the girls that the guys were gaga about.  the last night in the dorms senior year i got an earful about that from some drunk frat guys.  after years of them being asses and homophobes to me they actually were less homophobic when one of them said "man, you always get the hot chicks.  can you teach us your tricks?"  he was drunk and being actually kind of nice.  but i wasn't so nice.  lol.  oh well. 


but i digress....i am not even a chubby chaser...and i am not physcially attractive to her at all.  so why i am even going along with this?  HMMMMM.....either my underlying driving need to "win" people or i am lonely.  worth exploring.  i think i know the answer is loneliness.  talked about it in therapy last week.  thanks.

Bonnie said...
You've made a lot of great points. It's amazing how far you've come physically and emotionally.

my thoughts:  thank you, mama.   sometimes i feel so lost and alone.  thanks for the vote of confidence. 

Theresa aka Tessie Rose said...

Great post!

my thoughts:  thank you for getting me.  just not now.  but always.  and for challenging me with your blog, as well.

Read said...
On the dating thing - all the things that worry you would totally worry me too. I'd want to be really careful even if that meant being overly careful. I'd want to honestly and frankly 'checking in' with myself on a very regular basis. Is this still okay with me - for me. Is this healthy for me, is this doing good things for my self esteem and outlook on life. You'll know when it's not the right thing. Until then good luck and I hope you're having fun.

my thoughts:  i think the "checking in" is a very good point.  in the beginning of this journey we focus so much on mindless eating and i think this part of the journey is really about avoiding mindless living.   not look for exterior validation of my body or stimulation but really checking in with our insides on the affects of our choices. 

Gen said...
Wow I think it would be so complicated to date someone with serious weight issues. All the things you are thinking - I would be thinking too. I like Read's answer - keep checking in with yourself to be sure its okay with your emotional health and the progress you have made so far.

my thoughts:  thanks, gen.  i think i needed to hear it was ok to say out loud to myself that i am not ok with dating someone who is obese. 

Karen said..
I'm wondering how you feel about the person you're dating? I mean, are you as into her as she is into you? That could well be the determining factor as to whether it's worth the extra mental effort on your part NOT to fall back into 'comfortable' habits of over-eating, since she's "ok" with it.

my thoughts:  the truth is NO.  i am not into her as she is into me.  i am not attractive to her physically, yet she emails me all the time that she is attracted to me physically.   dating women is a lot different than dating men.  most women want to go right into the relationship and she is already doing stuff like that.  i am a dater.   yesterday i was even reflecting back to a conversation we had were she asked me -- in kind of a hesitant way -- "you date a lot of women?"   i told her i like to go on dates and meet people.   she told me she has only had four "relationships".    big difference and i need to hear that better when it is said.   she is much more close, familiar and intimate in her communication with me than i am with her.   women also do something that i have been told men do not do...which is they like to set ground rules early on..."when i am with someone i tend to tell them they are beautiful everyday".  "i am ALWAY blah blah blah in my relationships".   i am not like that.  each relationship is different for me.  i can not perdict how i will be. 

Carmen said...
it is hard not to be judgemental, especially when we know that there are options....

as far as dating someone who is "fat" while trying to change your life with the band, that is REALLY hard. my bf had bypass a few years before i met him and has put back on 75+ lbs since we've been together. spending time with someone who isn't on the same track eating wise or activity wise is difficult, it makes it so much easier to slip back into bad habits.


you are in a good place, so.....AWARE. do all you can to stay (or go further ahead) where you are, not backslide...

my thoughts:  THANK YOU. i know you are dealing with some of this in real-time so i appreciate your honesty.   on being "AWARE"... yeah, it is a good place to be but it can be so tiring and hard.   i just want the ability, some days, to put my guard down, go with the flow AND have everything be ok in the end.  insert underlying control freak issues here....lol 

thank you so much for all your comments.  you really helped me.  i am either going to take this woman to the friend zone or nothing.   one of the things we talked about in therapy last week was me add things ONLY of value to my all ready full life and eliminating those that are toxic or no value.     i think i know where i stand with this woman.