being judgemental

so...last night i was watching Heavy on A&E.   i was enjoying this show a lot but notice that the format is getting old for me....same ole same ole.    so i hate to admit this, but i was secretly pleased to see the woman last night left her husband...just because it shook things up a little on the show's format.  i also think, in all seriousness, that her revelations about their relationship throughout the show were very on par with some of the emotional journey stuff we face in our extreme weight loss.  

but more to the point of this post...when they were introducing the woman last night and she was talking about having to sleep in a chair, not being intimate with her newlywed husband, etc.  i actually stopped in front of the TV and said to myself pretty clearly "my god, woman, how did you let it get this bad?".   WHOA!  who am i to judge?   she weighed in at 435.   my known highest is only about 50-60 pounds more than her.  WHO AM I TO JUDGE?   i felt bad about being so judgemental, but at the same time i noticed that my judgement was so detached and finite.

in my personal life, as i alluded to i met someone recently.  i am struggling with this one.   she is professional, a mom with a very similar "how i became a mom" story as me, nice, etc.    she is fat.   very fat.  lesbian comfort zone fat.    she also came across my "fat" pictures through a social group i am in that has old pictures of me on it from past events.   so she knows i had surgery.  and her response, like my own response for many years when i was on her side of the obesity table, was "i am very comfortable with my body".  

this scares me.    it scares me because i am stuck on the scale somewhere between 194 and 201.   it scares me because based on the feedback i get -- daily (ugh) -- i look good to others, i feel good and i look healthy and wear my current weight well.     i am worried that if i go out with a fat-positive woman i am going to justify staying this weight, or worse, gain weight.  i find myself judging her weight...questioning my attractiveness to her. of course, this is all muddied by the fact that she is very into me and pursuing my aggressively while i am trying to get my thoughts together.

but believe it, or not, these judgements are great...wonderful...amazing.... at least i think so....i think the judgement of the woman on TV last night was a major turning point for me in the "letting go" category.   once my enmeshment issues were identified in therapy one of the things i noticed is that i would be at random place
s, like disney, and see an obese person and instantly identify with them.  i had to work real hard with behavioral re-adjustment to think "heidi, that fat woman is over there and has nothing to do with you, your weight loss or how you look".    so for a "that woman" judgement to come so naturally to me... big time progress. 
 

i think the dating judgement is the same.    i think i am finally at a point where i am ready for healthy boundaries and to put myself first and not get confused by someone being really into me and just going along with it and regretting it.    (see previous so-called friend post for further proof).  

 

i am ok with being judgemental.  i am not out to hurt anyone unnecessarily  and have to stop worrying about that.   i am ready to take care of myself.  protect myself.  and stand firm in my established boundaries.

 

i am going to leave you with this blast from the past....me... at my highest.  in key west on a boat.  with my natural curly hair!!!!   and another of me at gay pride this weekend shoving food into my mouth.   the princess got her haircut that morning and blownout out straight.