recently i have been identifying as an "addict" and talking about "recovery". i honestly do not think i am. and no i am not in denial. i think the proper terms are definitely "eating disorder" and "healing". and let me tell you.... they make sense. i feel a sense of relief, less overwhelmed, less confused.
tonight i went to a 12 step "food addict" meeting. nope. not for me. and just not the meeting (which was so fucking bizarre it was comical)....but the focus....the idea of abstinence from flour and sugar is not something i can relate to. personally i have learned that the all or nothing mindset is detrimental to my eating disorder behaviors. i don't need abstinence. i need behavior control and modification. and support for that. the fact that you can't even have a bottle of water in the meeting is just a little extreme.
ok...now for some snark...so the woman running the meeting was very robotic. like, for real. she was straight-up an animitronic right out of the Hall of Presidents at Disney. and she has a nun's edge to her. like i was waiting for her to hit my knuckles with a ruler. some old queen was yelling at her for not letting people borrow books. it was scary mary city. but then again i am reading The Handmaid's Tale and maybe i was projecting the book on this meeting.
my issues really are behavior related. as i have talked about my eating disorder crap is at an all time high. i am lonely in my personal life. and not just lonely. i am sad. the circumstances with my ex (the one who got away) are just so heart breaking to me. i am trying to remain strong with my boundaries but that only magnifies my loneliness. i love my new job. but i am there to do a job...and part of that job is being a strong leader which means most of my staff not only does not like me but refuse to get on board with my new program. i don't give a shit about all that....that is the nature of the beast...as a friend said back to me today "it is lonely at the top, heidi. and you wanted to move up towards the top..." lonely. lonely at work. i am homesick for my former staff and the family we created. it was a well-oiled machine. but just like it took me time to build that team, it will take me time here....but in the meantime it is havoc on my eating behaviors.
i thought i was "cured" because i was "skinny" when i decided to take on this new job challenge. the truth is i am still "sick" no matter what size i am wearing right now. and it is very hard to have to stay in control and strong on the exterior all day in order to get my job done and exert my authority and not have my insides equally in control or strong on the inside. i am trying to cope the best i can, but it is a struggle. between the band tightening from the stress of my staff and my bingeing....not good. not good.
(don't get me wrong... i love my job and the other duties...it is just the personnel distractions that i hate....always have, always will....why can't people just do their job? if you wanted to be director and think your old way is better...you should have applied....no?)
i talked to my therapist today about the eating disorder stuff. i think it is the most i have come clean about it in therapy. still not sure i am clicking with the new therapist, but i am going through the motions with her for now. so....today i asked her if you can ever be cured from an eating disorder....she told me "sadly, no". the symptoms may not be active but the potential through triggers (like stress, death, etc) will always be there. i told her that it made me sad. and i cried a little. but with that being said, i am a little relieved to get clarity tonight on food addict vs. eating disorder. i think i can get through the crappy days better knowing i am dealing with a disorder and not an addiction for some reason.
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