that must mean it is support group night! yay! i actually had a dream last night about support group. i was frantically trying to get there and reach someone from the group by phone.
today i went to a gym by my office and have an appointment for tomorrow for a free session to try out pilates. i am hoping that i can physcially do it. if so, i plan to sign up for some private sessions to get going. i find that i am more responsible to other people than myself... i will keep an appointment with a trainer as opposed to trying to show up to a group class.
the trainer was nice and said that if i sign up for private sessions that our hour sessions can be a little pilates and even private spinning. i LOVE that! i always wanted to go to a spinning class but was intimidated by the intensity and speed. (also, the smell of the room at my old gym grossed me out when they would open the door to cool down during a session.
it is costly, but i am willing to make the initial investment right now. i was going to buy a very nice new leather sofa this weekend but i think i will put that on hold and put some of the money towards my body. also, i decided to go to a place by my work (35 minutes from home) because i actually have more flexibility at work than i do at home as a mom.
one more thing...i want to introduce you all to Chele/Banded Mommy. she is new to this journey -- so go visit her!
more tonight after group...
Monday, January 11, 2010
Saturday, January 9, 2010
restriction? could it be?
i have had 3 fills as of this past tuesday. and i think yesterday as i started to eat for real again i realized i may be restricted....
breakfast -- 4 oz cottage cheese
protien shake in between
lunch -- matzo ball soup. i know i should have gone with the chili but it is cooooooooooool here in florida and a mushie, soft hot matzo ball was calling my name.
protein shake in between
dinner-- ordered a caesar salad with seared ahi tuna. the tuna steak was large and thick*. i had 2 small slices of tuna and about 1/3 cup of salad. then done. in fact i got a little stuck and ended up spitting up some foam in the bathroom.
no hunger in between. the stuck feeling came pretty fast. i am still not sure i understand what "full" means. anyone else with this problem?
i am happy and hope this restriction will last long enough for me to get through the elusive wall.
tonight is "the party of the year" -- and i will not be drinking. i do not want the alcohol calories. ok. maybe sip one shot glass all night since it *is* a tequilla party and i do love my tequilla.
* how come when i could, and did, eat a lot the portions were so skimpy and now that i have restriction i go to a restaurant and get served a hefty piece of tuna. not funny, food gods.
breakfast -- 4 oz cottage cheese
protien shake in between
lunch -- matzo ball soup. i know i should have gone with the chili but it is cooooooooooool here in florida and a mushie, soft hot matzo ball was calling my name.
protein shake in between
dinner-- ordered a caesar salad with seared ahi tuna. the tuna steak was large and thick*. i had 2 small slices of tuna and about 1/3 cup of salad. then done. in fact i got a little stuck and ended up spitting up some foam in the bathroom.
no hunger in between. the stuck feeling came pretty fast. i am still not sure i understand what "full" means. anyone else with this problem?
i am happy and hope this restriction will last long enough for me to get through the elusive wall.
tonight is "the party of the year" -- and i will not be drinking. i do not want the alcohol calories. ok. maybe sip one shot glass all night since it *is* a tequilla party and i do love my tequilla.
* how come when i could, and did, eat a lot the portions were so skimpy and now that i have restriction i go to a restaurant and get served a hefty piece of tuna. not funny, food gods.
Thursday, January 7, 2010
insanity part 2.5
i have been trying to quell the feelings of instability this week. i know that is because i have come to the realization that i have given up some form of control by getting the band. for some reason -- yet to be identified -- i used food and overeating to control something (yet to be identified). i really need to figure out what i am trying to control and why.
also, i am dealing with the dating thing. having been on a dating hiatus has been another form of control. fortunately the woman i am dating is mature enough to give me to the space i need to deal with all these changes in my life. lesbians, stereotypically, are nesters. they go into instant couplehood and it is rare to ask and receive space in new lesbian relationships. did i mention that the woman i am dating is 13 years older than me? last night it was discovered that she graduated high school the year i started kindergarten. yikes! lol. i am getting some playful shit from my friends about being a cougar-hunter. i'll own it... lol.
onto the positive thoughts. it took me a day or two but i realized that i am only 9 pounds from losing 100 pounds from my highest known weight and in all likelihood i am actually already 100 pounds lighter than i once was. holy shit!
i am feeling generally more positive about this wall issue. i just wish that the reason for the weight, for the wall would come to me....
also, i am dealing with the dating thing. having been on a dating hiatus has been another form of control. fortunately the woman i am dating is mature enough to give me to the space i need to deal with all these changes in my life. lesbians, stereotypically, are nesters. they go into instant couplehood and it is rare to ask and receive space in new lesbian relationships. did i mention that the woman i am dating is 13 years older than me? last night it was discovered that she graduated high school the year i started kindergarten. yikes! lol. i am getting some playful shit from my friends about being a cougar-hunter. i'll own it... lol.
onto the positive thoughts. it took me a day or two but i realized that i am only 9 pounds from losing 100 pounds from my highest known weight and in all likelihood i am actually already 100 pounds lighter than i once was. holy shit!
i am feeling generally more positive about this wall issue. i just wish that the reason for the weight, for the wall would come to me....
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
the good news is that i didn't cry at the surgeon's office...
....which is definitely one of my past weight loss behaviors when things didn't go right. the not-surprising, but kind of disappointing, news is that i weigh 282. yes. the wall still exisits. sigh. deep sigh.
moving on....looking at the postive...i have lost 30 pounds since october 22nd. my surgery was 2 months ago. i am 10 pounds away from acheiving my first mini-goal of a 40 pound loss by our february 11th disney cruise. i know believe that i will break the 281.5 wall by my next appointment on february 2nd. i got another 1 cc fill for a total of 6.
Ten Rules for Living with the LAP-BAND® System:
- Eat only when you are hungry, and no more than three small meals a day.
- Eat slowly and chew thoroughly.
- Stop eating as soon as you feel full.
- Do not drink while eating.
- Do not eat between meals.
- Eat only good quality, nutritious food.
- Avoid fibrous food.
- Drink enough fluids during the day.
- Drink only low-calorie liquids.
- Exercise/be active at least 30 minutes a day.
and for my final positive thought for today.... regardless of today's weight and the wall in front of me....i will never look like this or weigh 373 again....
insanity...part 2
so, last night it took everything in me to get out what i was feeling. now i will talk about some of the things i learned yesterday at support group.
as i mentioned, last night the mental health professional was there. so when i told my tale of woe she suggested that i needed to identify why i had a wall up at 281.5. she mentioned possible trauma, abuse, etc in my past. as far as i know i don't have that and i mentioned to her that i had a pretty good childhood and that my parents were always these jolly fat people. she zeroed in on that and offered the possibility that my fat was my connection to my family and maybe by losing the weight i was scared of losing the connection with them. that is quite possibly true.
i am 37. i am a professional. i am a mom. i own my own car, home, life. but at the end of the day my mom's approval of me is the most important. we talk throughout the day. if she is not upbeat when i talk to her i keep calling back until she is. it has always been this way. i remember about 13 years ago i was in counseling for my anxiety. for some reason we were talking about my grandfather (the love of my life) and his impending death. i forget how we got there but the counselor asked me what would happen if my mom and grandmother died before my dad and grandfather. my reaction was visceral. i just bursted into tears and hysterically cried. i remember telling her that i had never thought of my mom or grandmother dying. that session haunts me. (ironically, my grandmother died about a year later and my ill grandfather lived for 5 years after she passed).
i've got mommy issues. that is all i know. also ironically, that was the last counselor i was ever able to connect with. i have seen 3 or 4 different counselors since i have been back in florida (10 years). none of them have worked for me. for some reason most of them end up telling me about their lives in our sessions rather than helping me.
one of the most successful women in our group mentioned last night that she started seeing a counselor about 8 months into her journey (she is 2 years out). she said the person specializes in eating disorders. i think i may reach out to the mental health professional from last night and ask her for some recommendations.
like she said -- i need to figure out why this wall exists because it will keep popping up even when i pass 281.5. and i tell you what...i am not going through this head case shit the first weekend of every month as i prepare for my monthly post-op appointment.
as i mentioned, last night the mental health professional was there. so when i told my tale of woe she suggested that i needed to identify why i had a wall up at 281.5. she mentioned possible trauma, abuse, etc in my past. as far as i know i don't have that and i mentioned to her that i had a pretty good childhood and that my parents were always these jolly fat people. she zeroed in on that and offered the possibility that my fat was my connection to my family and maybe by losing the weight i was scared of losing the connection with them. that is quite possibly true.
i am 37. i am a professional. i am a mom. i own my own car, home, life. but at the end of the day my mom's approval of me is the most important. we talk throughout the day. if she is not upbeat when i talk to her i keep calling back until she is. it has always been this way. i remember about 13 years ago i was in counseling for my anxiety. for some reason we were talking about my grandfather (the love of my life) and his impending death. i forget how we got there but the counselor asked me what would happen if my mom and grandmother died before my dad and grandfather. my reaction was visceral. i just bursted into tears and hysterically cried. i remember telling her that i had never thought of my mom or grandmother dying. that session haunts me. (ironically, my grandmother died about a year later and my ill grandfather lived for 5 years after she passed).
i've got mommy issues. that is all i know. also ironically, that was the last counselor i was ever able to connect with. i have seen 3 or 4 different counselors since i have been back in florida (10 years). none of them have worked for me. for some reason most of them end up telling me about their lives in our sessions rather than helping me.
one of the most successful women in our group mentioned last night that she started seeing a counselor about 8 months into her journey (she is 2 years out). she said the person specializes in eating disorders. i think i may reach out to the mental health professional from last night and ask her for some recommendations.
like she said -- i need to figure out why this wall exists because it will keep popping up even when i pass 281.5. and i tell you what...i am not going through this head case shit the first weekend of every month as i prepare for my monthly post-op appointment.
Monday, January 4, 2010
the insanity slowly creeps back in....
i am just going to lay it all out there....i am feeling like a head case the past couple days. how does the old saying go? you can take the fat out of the girl but you can't take the girl out of the fat?
i kind of feel like debbie downer right now since i have new followers today. i want to be on my best behavior and dazzle you with my success and perfect band life.
sigh. that's not going to happen. lol.
at the beginning of last week i felt restriction. i was working the band.
by saturday night it was gone. or was it? i don't know anymore.
i don't remember what i ate saturday night. (old behavior -- using food like a drug. basically blocking out the bad behavior). i do know by sunday night i had 3 dinners. ok, 4. granted they were all (about) 3oz and spaced over 3 hours. but i was totally grazing. i failed the band and it failed me. i never got stuck. didn't feel restriction. nothing came back up. and i kept going back for more.
what else did i do wrong? i avoided my blog all weekend. which means i avoided reading other blogs for support. i avoided lbt. shit, i avoided everything.
today after some deep reflection i can say it was definitely a case of mind over matter.
why? oh, i'll tell you why. tomorrow is my 2 month post-op appointment which means it is --- dun, dun, dun --- weigh-in day. last time i weighed in i was 288. that was 3 weeks ago and it was 2 pounds down from the week before. so if everything goes as prescribed....i will be 282 tomorrow. well, maybe not. why? because 281.5 is my personal wall. that is the lowest i have gotten with any weight loss attempt in the last 10 years. and for whatever reason at 281.5 i stop. and my lovely bat shit crazy self decided to sabotage myself the last couple days. of course i did not realize this until after dinner number 4 last night (at 11:30PM)...
so what happens today? do i collect myself and move forward. nope. the old behaviors kick in. i neglect the lunch i packed for myself today and not only go out to lunch -- but i go an hour early. i start thinking about "starving" myself the rest of the day. so then i eat a small piece of candy to kick of my fast. i also start to think of the old weight watcher weigh-in day tricks... laxatives, water, etc. sigh.
i am happy to report it is not all doom and gloom. i did some things right. instead of going to book club i went to support group because i knew this week the mental health professional would be there. i spoke up and asked for help and listened respectfully when it was offered. even if it was uncomfortable. i am blogging.
part of me is so mad at myself for letting this wall, this figment of MY imagination get the best of me. i have the band. i have the tool. i know that during these first 6 months or so that i would have to work hard not to lose weight. not only can easily break through my wall, i can get pretty far away from it. but that inner bitch in me is too strong willed at times.
this post has exhausted me.... more tomorrow...
thank you all for your wonderful comments.... they really mean a lot to me.
i kind of feel like debbie downer right now since i have new followers today. i want to be on my best behavior and dazzle you with my success and perfect band life.
sigh. that's not going to happen. lol.
at the beginning of last week i felt restriction. i was working the band.
by saturday night it was gone. or was it? i don't know anymore.
i don't remember what i ate saturday night. (old behavior -- using food like a drug. basically blocking out the bad behavior). i do know by sunday night i had 3 dinners. ok, 4. granted they were all (about) 3oz and spaced over 3 hours. but i was totally grazing. i failed the band and it failed me. i never got stuck. didn't feel restriction. nothing came back up. and i kept going back for more.
what else did i do wrong? i avoided my blog all weekend. which means i avoided reading other blogs for support. i avoided lbt. shit, i avoided everything.
today after some deep reflection i can say it was definitely a case of mind over matter.
why? oh, i'll tell you why. tomorrow is my 2 month post-op appointment which means it is --- dun, dun, dun --- weigh-in day. last time i weighed in i was 288. that was 3 weeks ago and it was 2 pounds down from the week before. so if everything goes as prescribed....i will be 282 tomorrow. well, maybe not. why? because 281.5 is my personal wall. that is the lowest i have gotten with any weight loss attempt in the last 10 years. and for whatever reason at 281.5 i stop. and my lovely bat shit crazy self decided to sabotage myself the last couple days. of course i did not realize this until after dinner number 4 last night (at 11:30PM)...
so what happens today? do i collect myself and move forward. nope. the old behaviors kick in. i neglect the lunch i packed for myself today and not only go out to lunch -- but i go an hour early. i start thinking about "starving" myself the rest of the day. so then i eat a small piece of candy to kick of my fast. i also start to think of the old weight watcher weigh-in day tricks... laxatives, water, etc. sigh.
i am happy to report it is not all doom and gloom. i did some things right. instead of going to book club i went to support group because i knew this week the mental health professional would be there. i spoke up and asked for help and listened respectfully when it was offered. even if it was uncomfortable. i am blogging.
part of me is so mad at myself for letting this wall, this figment of MY imagination get the best of me. i have the band. i have the tool. i know that during these first 6 months or so that i would have to work hard not to lose weight. not only can easily break through my wall, i can get pretty far away from it. but that inner bitch in me is too strong willed at times.
this post has exhausted me.... more tomorrow...
thank you all for your wonderful comments.... they really mean a lot to me.
for amy w.....
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