Don't hate me because I am tight..

Don't you just hate those skinny bitches who blah blah blah on the internet about how they are only able to get a drink down in the morning because they have good restriction...

Just sayin.

tranquility? really? me?

i have noticed that i have been very peaceful internally and externally lately. this is something my wannabe punk rock, badass anti-establishment (in my mind) self is not used to. it is especially apparent to me late at night.

my nighttime ritual for-evah has been to put the princess to bed, make some ridiculous dinner (tortilla chips with melted cheese and guacamole or eggs, feta and breakfast meat were always my favorites), eat dinner in bed, roam the internet mindlessly and watch bad reality tv or tabloid news. i have had to sleep with the TV on since i was in high school.

this past week i have noticed that i am not even sleeping with the TV on. and except for the highly euphoric trifecta of thursday nights -- rehab/runway/housewives -- i am not even putting the TV on most nights. by the time the princess is in bed at 7:30 i have eaten my small dinner, cleaned up the house, organized for the next day and settled in with a book. i am reading until about 10 or so and going right to sleep with no TV on.

this is just crazy to me and i can't help but attribute it to my lack of attachment to food nowadays, my sense of not needing to avoid the "fat" issue (since i know it is going away) and a general sense of just feeling better.

i have been pretty faithful to my mantra of family.health.career this week.   it has helped me to stay focused and say no to others and myself much easier.

i have taken a baby step towards exercise. i bought the princess a bicycle. didn't buy myself one yet...but i know it will happen in the next couple weeks.

today is a lazy day at home. started a new book. just got back from the princess riding at the park. tonight is ladies game night and tomorrow i am going to the renaissance festival.

also, i finally made contact with the LMHC that gave the intuitive eating lecture at my support group a couple weeks ago. i am going to start sessions with her this week. i think i am ready for it now.

peaceful and tranquil saturday to you....

"hollering" about love handles

i have been watching my love handles disappear.  it has been interesting...my left one disappeared almost immediately.  my right one was not going anywhere.  i noticed the other day that it is almost gone.  YAY!   but then i just saw this article.... i am not a barfly by no means... but i do like to stop into one every now and then... i hope i don't come to regret losing weight one day...  lol!

Woman says her love handles saved her life

After incident: ‘I want to be as big as I can if it’s going to stop a bullet’

The Associated Press

updated 7:05 p.m. ET, Tues., Feb. 23, 2010

ATLANTIC CITY, N.J. - A Florida woman said her love handles saved her life when she was shot entering an Atlantic City bar. Samantha Lynn Frazier said she heard two pops when she walked into Herman's Place early Saturday. The 35-year-old then felt pain and saw blood on her hand after she grabbed her left side. Atlantic City police said Frazier was an innocent bystander.

Detective Lt. Charles Love said the gunman was aiming for a man who escaped with a bullet hole in his down jacket.

The suspect remains at large.

Frazier told The Press of Atlantic City that "I could have been dead. They said my love handles saved my life."

Frazier also told the newspaper that she had been "hollering" that she wanted to lose weight. She now said "I want to be as big as I can if it's going to stop a bullet."

URL: http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/35549378/

Bizarro World Support Group

i am going to just put it out there...tonight's support group was fucked up. not good fucked up and not bad fucked up either...the new in-office nutritionist was the leader and she gave everyone two chocolate kisses. *pause for collective gasp*

yes. a bag of hershey kisses was passed around at my lap-band support group tonight. the topic was mindful eating. and we first discussed what is mindful eating. we talked about how we know we are hungry and how we know we are full. for hunger everyone said -- stomach growls, dizzy, etc. NOPE. on a scale of 1 to 10 if you are practicing mindful eating you should be at a 2 to 3 when you eat. you should be eating on a schedule. you should be asking yourself how you feel, when was the last time you ate and prepare yourself mentally to eat. for full you should be at a 5 to 6. i think with the band we are all somewhat aware of not eating to uncomfortableness.

but then...but THEN...she passed around a bad of hershey kisses and told us to each take two. she then said "go ahead and eat one..." i was watching the group....before she finished that sentence most people already had the kiss popped into their mouth. i chose not to (for reasons i will explain below). a couple other people chose not to either -- most said they did not want to open a floodgate. she then read a passage out of a book called Emotional Alchemy. the passage in the book is about raisins...but she chose to substitute it with chocolate (!!!!). she told us to hold the second hershey kiss in your hand and cup that hand with our other hand. i chose not to. the passage she read was a relaxation and then told them to put it in their mouths and feel the texture. i don't remember much because i purposely zoned out. turned out the point of this was mindful eating. the first piece they all popped it into their mouth without tasting it. the second one they all enjoyed. one woman said it was sexual. i get the end point....but i still am not sure it was the best food choice. she said afterwards she chose the chocolate because of the melting in your mouth sensation. would you bring beer to a meeting of alcoholics?

the reason why i did not eat the chocolate was because today i had my 3-month post-op appointment with my primary doctor.... the good news is that my blood sugar and cholesterol levels are going down. the bad news is that i am still technically a diabetic. i wanted to be one of those people who say "nine days after my surgery i was off all my meds...blah.blah.blah" <---- this was typed with a whiney voice.... but i am not. i am 3 months post-op and still a diabetic. my true confession is that i stopped taking my meds religiously pre-op. my commitment is to take my meds EVERY FUCKING DAY until my follow-up with my doctor in three months. i am not happy. but, whatever.

tomorrow night is another community meeting in another community....send "attention seeking whore" vibes my way so that i FINALLY will get a public shout-out on my weight-loss.  lol.

trouble in paradise....

and by paradise i mean my wallet! 

yesterday i went by the plus size consignment clothes and found out i had $125 available to me to shop.   so i stocked up on size 22 (!!!!!) jeans to wear right now and some 18/20 tops that were too nice to pass up -- that i can wear in a couple months.   i spent $80 of my consignment funds.  

the problem is....i bought a 2X Banana Republic top.  it actually fits around my shoulders and chest, but is too tight at the waist. i also bought a size 20 Old Navy long linen skirt that fits me right now.    i am a clothes whore.  and more to the point, i have no shame in saying i covet labels.  i have not been really been able to shop in a Banana Republic, GAP, Old Navy, etc. since I was in high school (20 years).  this becomes a problem for my wallet.  it is one thing to be a clothes whore at the avenue and their clearance rack or Macy's with the occasional INC top that is 40% off...but to start to realize the stores that await my wallet.  ai yi yi!  lol.

i am refusing to wear my size 26 jeans and pants anymore and will be packing those up for Babbling Amy.

in fill/restriction news... i had a 0.5cc fill on friday to complete my 0.5cc pre-cruise fill a couple weeks ago.  according to their scale i am down 3 pounds in 2 weeks.  i want MORE loss showing on the scale.   according to my parents scale for the Love Me Challenge I am down 7 pounds since we returned from the cruise last Sunday and i was up a pound.  both the doctors scale and my parents scale pretty much line up with each other.   my parents was one more pound down, but that was after a day of only liquids since i was at the surgeon's.

i have a confession to make...for the past couple fills i have not been that great about following my surgeon's rule of 2 days of liquids and 2 days of soft after a fill.  i would usually be on softs by the second day and back to eating by the end of the 3rd day.   so far this time, i have been great.  even went to a dinner party friday night and brought my own soup.  

i just had 1/4 cup of cottage cheese for breakfast and i feel satisfied.   i want to get to the point, like i see on other blogs, that i am only eating one or two scallops and am totally fine with that.

today i am going to a potluck brunch.     i am bringing my "famous" low-carb/gluten free crustless quiche.   it is just a nirvana of 10 different cheeses.    i am hoping it will be soft enough for me.  if not, i will have my shakes with me.

i am commited to this afternoon of spending as many hours it takes to catch up on all the blogs, comment and be active in our community again.

until then...successful living thoughts to you....

Skinny Skies Part 2

I conducted an experiment today at the airport. I took an 11oz EAS shake thru security. I put it in the bin with my baggie of small liquids and gels. I had my LapBand medical card in my hand. They were very nonchalant about it. The agent took just the drink over to the special desk and by the time I had my slip-on shoes on, he was handing my drink back to me. I asked him if he wanted to see my medical card and he said "no. I can't dispute your reason (for the drink)".

I am now tucked into my cozy seat waiting for the door to close with the table DOWN. The picture is of the tail of the seat belt that is not needed...

Flight is filling up...I wonder if someone will be taking this middle seat...don't want to be the fat person someone is stuck next to....

Looks like I have won this challenge! Fort Lauderdale here I come!

PS I was able to get a fill appointment for tomorrow....

Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

mirror, mirror on the wall...

thank you for sharing in my joy yesterday of getting past the Southwest blubber police. i don't want to mislead anyone and have them think that i am walking around always delusional and all rainbows, chirping birds and singing mice. i am still struggling with the brain vs body thing.

i have always joked that i had undiagnosised Body Dysmorphic Disorder -- i always saw a thinner person in the mirror than i really was. i wonder if that image is flipping. i feel fat lately. really fat. i keep taking progress pics and i don't like them. am i being inpatient? maybe. i don't know. i just know i feel fat. and quite frankly, let's admit it...i am. i may have lost 100 pounds -- but i still have over 100 to go...and my body looks that way...

i also think i need the other 1/2cc of fill that i did not take before my cruise. i am eating much more than i should.  not an obscene amount...but more than i should. i did find myself thinking yesterday that "maybe" i will wait until monday for my fill so i can eat some "special" things this weekend. not good. i know i am not in this to deprive myself -- but at the same time i can NOT start manipulating the band.

on another note...muscle milk light protein shakes are NASTY.  pure evil.  when i got into town yesterday i went to the grocery store to get a 4-pack of shakes to get through this trip.  they did not have my EAS AdvantEdge so i bought the Muscle Milk Light.  NASTY. i ended up giving the other 3 to a homeless man a couple blocks from the grocery store.  i did not have time to go find my EAS shakes until after yesterday's meetings.   but i will never buy muscle milk again.

today i am flying back home...so, one more rendezvous with the Southwest blubber police...i was listening to Rosie Radio on Sirius yesterday and people were calling in about the airline issue. Rosie was taking the stance of that Kevin Smith is in denial about how fat he is. the portion of the show i heard there happened to be two calls -- one from a gastric bypass patient and a lap band patient. the lap band woman was sooooooooooooo nice. she lost 200 pounds overs two years and recently invited an obese person to sit with her (and even offered to take the middle seat) and put the armrest up for the woman because she remembered how it felt to be obese on a plane. i hope that i never forget my obese self and remain kind.

yesterday i was at a community meeting.  ironically, i have not been in this particular community since my 4th day post-op.   i got a lot of feedback on my weight...including from the elected official over dinner.   while no one asked during my presentation...my attention seeking whore-ness left the meeting satisfied...