re-entering the blog world

so last night i saw the only friend that gave me a less than enthusiastic reception when i told her i had surgery back in november.    her response was something along the lines of "yeah, i thought about doing it the easy way but me and my husband just signed up for weight watchers again".   ok.  maybe the "again" was added by me, but it is true.  lol.   anyhoo...let's just say that her mouth dropped to the floor when she saw me last night.    she also proceeded to tell me that she had gone to surgery seminars before and now she wanted my doctor's number.   so, being the good band ambassador that i am, i told her i would go to my surgeon's seminar with her when she is ready.  she also brought up concerns about missing pizza and hanging skin.   sure, they are valid concerns we all have in the beginning BUT i think i can say with confidence now that those are really just self-created roadblocks to stop ourselves from losing weight.

this all went down at my "straight book club".   and while we were talking someone else chimed in that she everyone she knows who had the band only gets to "pleasantly chubby" and never skinny.  gee thanks.

things are going well from a band perspective.   moving right along with my weight-loss.   this thursday is my 7 month check-up so i will know my weight then.   i got my restriction back and really, this is just a regular part of life for me now.

i have been staying very active.  did a 11 mile bike ride recently on my new bike.  lots of outdoor activities.   this past weekend was Gay Days at Disney and i really enjoyed myself with my daughter and a good friend.   here is a picture of me and the princess. 

i feel somewhat obligated to explain my absence from blogging.   while it has not been deliberate, per se, there are reasons.  

one reason is that i was starting to feel a little too exposed with people i know in real life.   i don't mind that they are reading this, and i certainly don't mind their comments here or in personal emails to me regarding what they read here.  but there were a couple instances where the contents of a recent blog were discussed in front of people who are neither privy to my blog nor did i really know enough at all to discuss the surgery with.   and you know, i have been very open about the surgery.  but it really put me in an uncomfortable position to literally be standing around in a group where i really know some people and don't know others AT ALL and have someone ask in front of the group about something i just blogged about.   i wanted to just blend into that crowd as a normal person who is so fucking close to being normal sized.

another reason for my lack of blogging is all the work i am doing in therapy.   some of it is mind blowing stuff that is really helping me evolve quite quickly into a better person.    so because of the exposure i felt above, i really didn't feel comfortable knowing that one day i could be standing in a crowd and someone could say "so...that was kind of interesting how your therapist said you were a blankity blank..."  and, i also just don't feel like sharing some of it right now with blogging community either.    interestingly enough, this reason not to blog is a systematic of something greater in my healing process and that is my usual way of seeing things of all or nothing.   never in the middle.  so after talking last week in therapy about it, i realized i did not have to stop blogging completely, i could just change the focus of what i blog about.  because i really do miss blogging.

and that brings me another reason why i stopped blogging... i am at this point, 7 months out, where i just want to to "normal".   i don't want to make a big deal out of wearing size 16 old navy skirts.   i don't want everything i do for the rest of my life to be a comparison to my former life.  i just want to move forward.  i know that does not sound too mentally healthy... and i am aware of that...but i am just not at the point where i want to look back and realize that maybe i wasn't that perfectly adjusted fat person after all.    it is hard enough rethinking my relationships with my parents, friends, lovers, co-workers and even strangers on the street...i can't, i mean CAN'T, everyday redefine my image of who i was compared to who i am today.  that is too painful and not something i am up for or care to do at this point.

and finally, i just found myself spending too much time living vicariously through the blogs, when i realized that there are so many things i rather be doing in real life.   i want to spend more time outdoors.  i want to catch up on reading.  i want to date again.   i want to live life.   every moment of my life.  and not zone out in front of the computer night after night.

so i am going to recommit to my blog.   i still want to record my journey.  i still want to be helpful to others who come across my blog.   but i am not sure how much i can participate in the community as a whole.   my focus on my blogging activities will now be more of a journal as opposed to a community.  it is not aimed at anyone.  so please understand if i don't visit too many other blogs right now.  i need to stay "inside" myself and stop looking "outside" for thoughts/entertainment/validation.  it is a major part of my personal journey and evolution.   

Today

I feel fat. For the first time in 6 months I feel fat.

My baby-fill last week did not bring me to my sweet spot. So now I am sitting at the surgeon's office waiting for a big-girl fill.

On top of this I am exhausted and crabby. Only support in the vein of "that sucks" is accepted today. I know it will get better but today I need a big ole that sucks pity party.

Elvis has left the building...

Ladies, today I reached the pinnacle of my career.

During a presentation to the elected body of which I work for...the highest elective official said "Heidi, I thought you were a new employee. You look fantastic!".

It took every ounce of self-control to not assume the Elvis position and say "thank you, thank you very much" in my deepest voice....but I did flash a smile and thank him!

My attention seeking whoreness is floating on air!!!

easy come...

easy go.... my sweet spot is gone.  gone, baby, gone.  i am going in tomorrow morning for a mini-fill.  sigh.

reflections at 6 months

yesterday was my 6 month band-anniversary.   the pictures are of me one-week pre-op and of me on the eve of my 6 month anniversary. 

i know so many of you who have gone through this before had major struggles at six months.  i hear a lot about it at support group too.   i am very aware that is when the real work begins.  the weight loss has been fast and easy.   but now is the time to meld my mind, body and soul.   

from the mind stuff i feel like i am in a good position to handle things.  i have a great therapist.  i am digging deep into some issues that may have led to my obesity and i am open to the process. 

from a body standpoint i understand and work the band and i have really started to get more physically active in hopes of scaring off that common 6-month plateau.  not really on an exercise routine but i know that would not work for me.  instead i am getting out and doing "things".  this weekend alone i kayaked, danced all night, walked the dog park, went for a 3 mile bike ride and swam in the pool.   

but my soul is what i really need to work on.  what kind of person will i be when i grow up (or shrink down, in this case)?   as the layers of fat are slowly peeled away i am learning so much about myself or who i really thought i was and i may not be afterall.  i have always been someone who said she is "ok" with being different.   but in the last week i have found myself saying the word "normal" a lot.  and when you have been as different as i have for so many years, you seem to be aware (and mystified a little) by your own use of the word "normal".  

i never really had coming-out angst.  i was one of those people who adults, kids, teachers, etc always just assumed was gay.   but as i go through this weight loss and rediscovery process i am finally understanding more how confusing the coming out process may be for some people.  you spend your whole life thinking you were one way to only wake up and discover you may have been living a lie.   (don't worry my lesbian real-life friends...i am not questioning my sexuality....you will always have me on your team...barring a 3some with marky mark, of course ;-)

the next six months should be interesting to say the least.   having met my latest goal of at least 65 pounds lost by Mother's Day i am ready for my next goal.    i would like to lose 25 more pounds by July 24th.   the princess and i are going on a two week road trip around that time and i would like to have a total of 90 pounds lost under my belt before i see my cousins and relatives.   i worry that it may be a challenge, but i am up for it!  it will motivate me to move more and stay on track with the program.  it also puts me on the path to be 100 pounds down by my 38th (Jr. I actually just typed 39 --lol) birthday in mid-September.  

wishing you a day of skinny thoughts....

celebrating mother's day...

and working on discovering my inner MILF.   i started this journey telling you i was doing this for my daughter and only her.  they i decided i was doing it *really* to be a skinny bitch.   but here on mother's day 2010...i am proclaiming to the world that my weight loss goal is not be a better mom, sit in a kindergarten chair, be a skinny bitch or even be healthy.  my weight loss goal is to be a MILF.  ;-)

the princess is a frickin mood today.  took her to the dog park and playground and she had major meltdowns.   came home.   told her to go to her room for a time out/rest and she slammed her door (the first time) and screamed at me she was moving away because i am the.worst.mom.ever.  lol

so in light of that i am blogging, cruising the net and having a grand ole time on mother's day being ignored.  for real!

prior to all the drama we actually had some fun taking "fashion girl" pictures.

yes, i "let" the princess go out in public wearing an undershirt, butterfly tights and a yellow tutu.

father's day 2006.  siz 5x outfit out of a catalog.

mother's day 2010.  size 18 (not plus 18) head to toe.

Happy Mother's Day to all the Skinny Moms out there....

catching up on my tan...

i really don't know why i am not blogging lately. nothing is wrong. actually, quite the opposite. everything is great.

i am feeling good. i am active. and really the band has gotten to be such a "non-issue" for me. which is exactly where i wanted to be by now.

back in late december, at support group, we listed some long and short term goals. one of my short term goals was to hit the 50 pound mark and really own/work the band. i can definitely say at the 66 pound mark i am doing that. right now i am living my life to the fullest -- in relative terms, of course.

i bought myself a bike for mother's day.  and the princess and i have been riding everywhere.  i totally love "working on my tan" on it.  lol. 

this past weekend we loaded the bikes on the car and headed down to the Florida Keys.  There is a speciality shop down there that I like to get my bathing suits from and it was time to upgrade into suits that will not fall off me this summer.   also, they do a good bra fitting and carry top-shelf bras.   size-wise i am wearing a size 18 bathing suit and 36 bra size....i will spare you the cup size...lol...

we were able to get in a waterside/roadside picnic, a bike ride, a swim in the atlantic and a couple hours at a tiki bar.  good for my soul.

tonight is support group.  this will be my 3rd week in a row since i missed 3 weeks in a row.  i have to say, i am having a hard time adjusting.   but i know i need to keep going...so i will.   since talking with my therapist about the "n-word" stuff and sitting back at group more i can tell you that they are nothing but a bunch of narcissist.  lol.  and it is annoying.  what they don't know is that *my* therapist will be visiting our group in a couple weeks as a guest speaker and she is going to be exploring the whole narcissism / food addiction connection with them.  lol. 

the princess and i have been keeping busy. here are some pics of our good times...

Me and the Princess playing "Fashion Girls".  She really likes that I am wearing more "girl clothes" lately.

My Mother's Day present to myself...a new bike!

The princess and I at John Pennekamp Park on Saturday.  I asked the creepy guy taking our picture to get all of us and our bikes that we were standing in front of in the pic....but i think he was only looking at one thing...

The princess took this of me during our roadside picnic in Islamorada (mid/upper Keys) on Saturday.  I can't say enough how much i love the Florida Keys...

Princess and me on a bench in John Pennekamp Park taking a break from our bike ride.

The princess at Gilbert's Tiki Bar in Key Largo.  I have a feeling you will be finding us here a lot this summer.

Me goofing on the actress Sharon Gless (Cagney and Lacey) at the Miami Premiere of the movie Hannah Free.  There are a series of shots where I am acting like a crazy stalker.  And one final one of my friend J giving her rabbit ears.  lol.

And finally, a real one of me and Sharon Gless.  Check out those ciggies in the cleavage!  lol