ruby/intervention/me

getting some business out of the way first....

• usually when i blog i have pretty much a clear and concise post already composed in my head.   i do not right now but know what i want need to say.

• i have been avoiding my blog because i of the betrayal i have felt.  i need to let go.  so with that being said...if you are reading this blog and you are not either a. a lapbander in cyberspace or b. someone who i personally share this with then i have to respectfully ask you to stop reading.   you were shared this blog as part of an act of betrayal and manipulation -- regardless of what SHE may say her intentions were -- and by continuing to read it, and revisit it, you are legitimizing HER betrayal and manipulation.

watching ruby tonight i realized i needed to let go of the betrayal of my blog and take back my blog.

ok....with that being said....my life has turned into a reality show...ok, not really....a couple months ago when i had my last session with my original therapist i identified that i really wanted to shift from focusing on the weight loss crap and really focus on the addiction/eating disorder stuff. 

and for the last couple months i have done everything but that.   i have not gained weight.  in fact, based on the scale i snuck into my house i am hopefully going to leave the 190s soon.   but my purposeful bingeing and subsequent purging has been plentiful.   so much so that i after about a week or so of having to sleep sitting up so i would not choking on my throwup i woke up one night this past week choking while throwing up in my sleep.   there are no words to describe what is going on with me.   oh yes there are....i am fucked up, gee.   fucked up.   i am risking my life. possibly causing damage to my band.  acting irresponsibly. 

add to this engaging with my ex -- who is a total co-dependant enabler and does not respect the boundaries i am asking for right now.... and i am just not healthy.     

but.  but.  but.

thursday night i had book club.  this book club is connected to my former so-called best friend.  and while i knew she would not be there i still anxiety about attending and running it...so i binged the whole way there.  then purged right before it started.   lovely.  i know.   got through the night.  and as i left a woman asked me to stay and chat.   i knew her and even have hung out with them individually.  but never persued a friendship with them.    the other night basically she and her partner staged a mini-intervention with me.   it was surreal.   she said that they were concerned about me -- in reference to my former so-called best friend crap -- and it just opened a flood gate with me.   i started ranting and raving.  and a couple minutes into it this woman (trying to be ambiguous here since i don't want to betray her confidences) just said "heidi, i am 25 years into recovery..." and i just melted.   she didn't care about what my former so-called best friend did or how i felt about it...as an addict she saw me for what i am....an addict.   blaming everyone else for my lack of control.   my anger.  my poor choices then (never should have gotten close to my former so called best friend and most healthy people don't get close to her) and now (engaging in unhealthy behaviors and with unhealthy people like my enabling ex).     and, like i said, i just melted.  i told her i have been bingeing.    that i am scared of drinking becoming a transfer addiction.  that i have been resisting allowing myself to transfer from addict to recovery.   it was so freeing.  so amazing.  

we left with an open door.  and an unexpected hand in friendship extended to me.   that night i went home and chatted via messenger with my ex (the one who got away) and while i was in the intervention mode i realized i had no business engaging with her until i am healthy.  she is not happy with this...but it is what is best for me.   the next morning, still on my intervention high (ha! great pun) i went to a new age store and got myself a book of affirmations for overeaters and a book on recovery from eating disoders  - Beating Ana.  once i finish reading it, i will review it here.

here is what i know....for some time now i have been thinking about in-patient treatment.   it is not practical.  i just started a new job.  (if i stayed at my former job i could have easily taken a 30 day leave).   and in my all or nothing addict mind if i can't do in-patient i might as well do nothing...right?   wrong.    i need to get into meetings.  i hate to admit it.  (so there with ruby tonight)....but i know i need to.   i also know i need to be better about surrounding myself with like minded people.   my interventionist offered to go to a meeting with me and i may take her up on her offer. 

i guess i am just blogging this tonight to make myself accountable.  i feel kind of scattered and all over the place.   but i need to put this out there...on paper, so to speak.

the positives are that i am really getting used to my smaller frame.  i am really teeny.  it is crazy.  i plan to do a vlog soon.   on friday i went to the mall with a friend.   she has always been my "skinny friend"....going through the clearance rack at macys she was taking the extra larges out of my hand and replacing them with mediums while she herself took the XLs or larges.   surreal.    i also have the cash and the date for my arm and breast lift.    i could do it right now, but i want to wait until after summer so i am not limited in my mobility when we camp all summer and i do not want to tan my scar lines and tanning is unavoidable with how i spend my summers (camping every weekend).