Karma is a bitch....

This one is going to be hard....

I have spent a lot of time working on my issues....my fear of not being perfect and fucking up. All this work got me to a place where I am at least aware of my fear....but to say I conquered it would be an out and out lie.

I am struggling. In life. Five words there. But so hard for ME to say.

I blame karma. Of course I blame karma because I can't break through that mental barrier and blame myself....

When was in high school I had a "best friend". We used to lay in my bed and hold our legs in the air and compare them. I may have been fat, but I had nice legs....and I made sure to tell her all the time that my legs were better than her. So a few years ago when I developed a hyper-pigmentation on my shins that makes me look bruised up all the time....I thought back to those insignificant nights in the late 1980s and thought that karma had bitten me on the ass. Weird and irrational. I know. Buy that is how my mind works.

Fast forward to some time in the last year or so.... I was at support group and a woman who was two years out from surgery and still very very large (but had already lost over 100 pounds) said she was frustrated because she only lost 10 pounds (up and down) in her second year. I thought at the time, and may have blogged these thoughts --- can't find them --- that I would DIE if I didn't finish this thing up in my second year....now my second year is coming go a close in About a week and I have only lost 20 pounds this year. I know...blah blah blah...I didn't gain, a loss is still closer to my goal....but I have to wonder if karma did not come in and teach me a very shitty lesson about being judgmental and thinking I a so god damn perfect.

And know for what I have been avoiding....plastic surgery did not go as "perfectly" as planned. I had my arms and breasts lifted on September 29th. For one, I was not totally prepared on how limited I would be the first couple weeks and dependent on other people. In order to minimize my scar, he cut in my armpit and pull everything tight into that. My arms are healing nicely. Once I am completely healed he will do some laser to tighten my arms some more. The problem is my left breast. When you have a breast lift they remove your nipple and reattached it higher. I had a breast lift and minor reduction. The shape of my greats are amazing and all the nurses say it actually looks like implants. When the swelling goes down I will be a firm and perky D cup as opposed to F or G. Like I said, the form is nice.

The complication came with my left nipple and areola. With this surgery there is a 1% chance of a complication of the blood supply not going to your areola and nipple which could cause it to "die" and that is what happened to me. So one week after my initial surgery I had to have "emergency" surgery to remove my dying areola and nippple and replace them Along with a skin graft around them. This was to restart the blood supply under them. The good news is that it was a success. The difficult news is that it looks very scary and until it is completely healed I do not know about the nipple. They surgeon says it should be ok but until the layer of protective skin finishes healing off I won't see it and that is difficult. And once again I worry that karma once again bit me on the ass because i was so silly and boastful on how I was going to have a "banging" body. I have definitely been humbled by this experience.

In typical perfectheidi fashion I was going to wait until I was completely healed to report on my fabulous arms and breasts but that would only feed into my sickness. This is hard. I cry often. Worried that I will be deformed and not have a nipple. I am a femme lesbian for crying out loud....who am I if I don't have my boobs? Lol.

I am not sure I can write anymore right now. This post has emotionally exhausted me.