this will only hurt for a minute....

but may take a few minutes to read….

i have a confession to make. over the last 5 months or so i have not been totally forthcoming on my blog. i did not do this out of dishonestly or ill intent…but out of inauthenticity. i have been thinking about this recently as some events have unfolded in my personal life. at the same time i caused these changes in my personal life tessierose (btw, her husband’s constant use of her real first name unnerves me. she is tessierose, damn it!) did a series of posts about shifting friendships. in one post she said the following which i will cut and paste directly from her blog:

•  When I was really big, I was much more of a people pleaser. It was very important to me that people like me. Now, I still want to be liked, but I feel like if someone doesn't, it's not the end of the world.
• When I was really big, I was more over-the-top. I always felt like I had to grab people's attention right away and keep them wowed with my wit and charm so that they would somehow miss out on the fact that I was huge!
• When I was really big, everything was really big...my earrings, my hand bags, I had a bit of a shock factor I suppose, even when I look back at pictures of myself, I realize that I'm being goofy in nearly every picture. I don't feel the need to be the clown now. Now I think I blend in better.
• When I was really big, I felt it my duty to be on point and funny at all times, now I think I'm still funny, but when I'm not in the mood to be the "life of the party" well then, I'm just not.

 when i read this it was a total epiphany moment for me. and it was at that moment that my blog life and personal life suddenly collided.

my inauthenticity started on my birthday september 14th.

i had my first visit to a plastic surgeon that day. while i was in the room waiting i did a quick blog post about being able to fit in a paper gown. i have three of my real life friends receive my blogs via email instantly when i post. i did this because 1. i wanted to share my journey with these people specifically 2. i often called on these 3 for support and i felt instead of trying to re-explain everything it was just easier for them to see my blog and get an insider’s view to my mind and struggles and 3. i trusted them to read this and handle the information here appropriately. so…i hit send on my phone, the blog goes to 3 emails and within minutes one of the three recipients responds back to me and COPIES in the email 3 other people. one is someone who i was trying to date, as normal/chubby girl, at the time; another was someone i only socialize with at her house for parties; and the third was a social acquaintance who is really not that friendly to me and when i try to be friendly to her in social situations because of our mutual friends -- she responds kind of unfriendly. oh…but it gets better…when someone gets your blog post in email there is a link to your blog at the bottom of your email.

all three of these people are NOT people i would want to know that i am celebrating doing something “normal” like fitting into a doctor’s robe. nor are they people i would want reading my blog. sure, if they find it on their own…that is the risk i take blogging…but to have it deliberately shared by my so-called best friend? heartbreak. so the domino effect her sharing my blog had on my birthday is as follows: i could barely concentrate at the doctor appointment. i left there and got in my car and cried. i mean CRIED. i drove straight to one of my work/mommy friend’s office and literally crumbled behind closed doors about my humiliation. i then went out to lunch with my favorite staff members and my work/mommy friend…who took me to my favorite celebratory restaurant, made sure we had my favorite hot waitress and gave me disney gift cards…i could barely muster a smile and kept speaking in code about my humiliation with my work/mommy friend. then we went back to the office. i went into my office, closed the door and cried. i tried to pull myself together and even had to fake a stomach ache when my boss came by to get me to escort me to my surprise cupcake party he arranged for me.

while all this was going on i emailed my so-called best friend to tell her my humiliation. she claimed she did not know that these three RANDOM people did not already get my blog updates. i also got an email from one of the other 3 whom i share my blog with urging me to forgive my so-called best friend because “she would never do anything to hurt you purposely”. i did forgive her. but i also decided not to go to book club that night where i would see her. yes, for a nerd like me book club is a perfect way to spend your birthday. i also went on my blog and said the following words: “i had a major emotional freakout and breakdown today. i will address it another day here. i need to get it out. long story short...if i am going to blog about new beginnings and coping skills ---- i might want to read my own blog and learn from it. if i am going to talk about honesty and integrity i may want to consider not trying to control the access to that honesty. if i am going to bust my ass all year to make it to my 38th birthday i may want to act like i am 38 and not 14.” i never went back and blogged about what had upset me. i chose to gloss over this horrible horrible horrible event in my blog to spare her feelings because, of course, i knew she read my blog. i even blamed myself for acting like a 14 year old and invalidated my feelings. and don’t you fucking know it…my so-called best friend repeated that back to me a couple days later as if i was in the wrong for getting upset. in the reconciliation with my so-called best friend i stressed the importance of loyalty, confidentiality of my blog and my guardedness. she said she would do anything needed to make it right. i gave her a pass.

fast forward to november 18th… a group is going out to a hookah bar. my so-called best friend is going. we hang out. there are a couple new people to our group there i could do-without. even tell my so-called best friend this…but she continues to try to get me to engage with them. i am exhausted and dealing with weird people is not on my agenda for the night. we wrap the night up and as we are walking in the parking lot with the two weirdos….my so-called best friend says in her fakey public voice (which is kind of projecting) “so, heidi, what are your big plans for when you pass through the 200 pound gate?” huh? did you just announce to the parking lot and these two weirdos that i have been trying to avoid all night that i weigh more than 200 pounds????? oh. but it gets better. then, weirdo #1 says to me…”i used to weigh a lot and it took me a long time to stop shopping in the size large”….why is that significant? guess what i blogged about that very week? yep…. in my blog three days earlier i blogged about clothes shopping….kind of random for someone to start talking to me about when i my weight is brought up….so that means that at some point my so-called best friend shared my blog contents with this woman. i am assuming it was verbally at one point that evening…but whothefuckknowsanymore. so i laugh off the comments. get in my car. start to cry and quickly text my so-called best friend to not share my journey with new people. i cry all night. i am so upset that when m, who i was dating at the time, called me i had to tell her what happened. she was appalled. the next day i emailed my so-called best friend and asked her “on what planet is it ok to share another woman’s weight with total strangers?”. i say to her that she of all people knows how much i just want to be normal to new people and put this weight thing behind me…she knows this because she read my blog….she came back with some apology. she said she would not make excuses and went on to blame all the stresses in her life (and make excuses). she also said she just found out that she now weighs more than 200 pounds and blah blah blah finds me so inspiring. i told her to check her enmeshment issues and that her having to lose weight a little over 200 DOES NOT COMPARE to me having to lose weight starting at 373. she said she would do anything to repair our friendship. she said something at the time i did not understand and still do not…she said she would “reset” her brain to understand that what i share with her is not to be shared with anyone else. isn’t that common sense in an adult friendship? she even said that she has betrayed me many times and she was sorry for it. i forgave her. i did not blog about my heartache because i did not want to hurt her. i actually did not blog for two whole weeks after this incident. and when i finally did i only said: “there are some things i really want to explore but always feel like i need to catch-up before i just lay them out there....” again…i never did because i was sparing her feelings. afterall…she did apologize and say it would never happen again (ha!)

i regret not blogging at the time about these events. while i am not the best commenter and i will probably never make it to a chicago event at this rate…i feel like since october 2009 i have worked my ass off to be a part of this blogging community, to be a good friend to bloggers (both here and in real life) and in turn have established myself enough to receive the gift of good support and blogging friendship back from people. i feel like-- had i shared what was going on…instead of protecting someone else (see tessierose’s first bullet point) i would have gotten the support i needed, be more authentic and at the end of the day treated myself a little better.

so….this brings us to the present. i realized last week that my so-called best friend is displaying behaviors and handling her own personal situation in a way that is outside my comfort zone and at the end of the day -- not authentic and i am being asked to go along with this.  my so-called best friend is going through a break-up. there are many different “reasons” for the break-up…depending on who is told what. there is the real story which i am privy to and there is the story her soon-to-be ex (s2bx is my favorite internet acronym) has been manipulated to believe and there is the similar reasons that the rest of the world is being told.

the real reasons for the break-up are not for me to judge….however…and this is a big however….when i see the s2bx beating herself up and regurgitating the reasons for the breakup she has been manipulated into believing to cover up someone else’s calculated path to the breakup….i get pissed. add to that my genuine concern of the s2bx and the s2bx's cold response back to me because i am supposedly best friends with the person breaking up with her (and it occurred to me that your friend's behavior can be a reflection on you and i am working my ass off to improve and evolve myself )…and i just couldn’t take it anymore. i could not take the manipulation and the effect it was having on the innocent partner. so i told my so-called best friend that. needless to say we are no longer best friends…not even friends…and i am ok with that…because in the series of email messages to me after i spoke up to her she went.too.far.

the woman, who by her own admission, had betrayed my requests for loyalty and trust multiple times bombarded me with email after email about her expectation of me to maintain confidentiality about the REAL reason for her breakup. if you think of the events of my birthday and the events of the hookah bar as a scab on my elbow….each email imploring me to “shake hands”, not betray her trust, how she regrets ever trusting me blah blah blah were just picking away at that scab until there was blood dripping down my arm. red, fresh blood that makes you remember how much it hurt when you got the sore at first.

here’s the thing…. i am almost 40. will be 39 this fall. my former so-called best friend is well into her 50s. her first reaction to me speaking up to her about how i did not wish to be a part of the farce anymore was for her to 1. accuse me of “outright egging” her on 2. say the following: “i do expect you to respect the confidentiality of things i trusted you with as they were unfolding. you can only hurt her if you decide to say "here's what you don't know." she will not thank you for it and will not be your friend after that.” 3. ask me to “shake hands” about me not telling her secret that would destroy her not only in how she is trying to manipulate this breakup but also have horrible consequences for her as a leader of the local lesbian community….because nobody likes a _________ and 4. she is trying to tell me how we will act to each other in public, we will not talk poorly about each other, etc. (she is also telling her s2bx how they will act about the breakup in public to the point that the s2bx is barely functioning)....excuse me…but i let my concern for your feelings not only destroy my 38th birthday and publicly humiliate me two months after that but i also let my concern for your feelings also dictate how i would deal with my own feelings publicly (on my blog in those cases)….p.s. want to really talk about regretting trusting people?????? i will make my own decisions on how i am going to process my feelings…thankyouverymuch. (ironically, her response to my telling her i did not support her current behavior was that she appreciates when people tell her exactly what they think of her…but the truth is not many people can tell her exactly what they think of her because she is lying to everyone about everything….)

at the end of day, i am no longer the fat girl that barrels through life, being louder, bigger or more intimidating than anyone else.   i had to be that person when i was trying to mask my weight...when i did not like myself.  i thought i liked myself at the time and being a bully was just who i was.  i am "alpha".   now i know that it is ok, like tessierose said, to blend it.  to be part of the group and not be a trailblazer and knock everyone down as i blaze on through.    i also see the irony that someone who consistently responded to my blog posts with something like: "your insight/ability to change is inspiring to watch" is so not willing to evolve.  i guess i am no oprah when it comes to inspiration...lol.

but like i said, i am almost 40….and as grown evolved adult i believe that i am able to maintain confidentiality without resetting my brain, shaking hands or being bullied (see number 2 above). but can you do me a favor? stop picking at the scab and worrying about my ability not to betray you when you have betrayed me time and time again….maybe it is normal for you to betray people…but most healthy adults get through life and the end of friendships without betrayal. is your guilty conscience overriding your ability to act rationally?  because every email i received telling me how to handle the confidential issues -- and i think there were seven in the span of 30 minutes -- only reminds me of ALL THE TIMES YOU BETRAYED ME...and had me screaming inside REALLY?  REALLY!  REEEEEAAAAAALLLLLYYYYYY??????  you think this is about my ability to keep your dirty little secret and not about your emotional manipulation of me, your wife, your community and the people you lead to believe are your friends but you lie to.   you really regret telling me your secrets?   yeah....pull up a chair and let me tell you about regrets....want to hear how i spent my 38th birthday?  and that is when tessierosie's bullet points on herself and how she relates to her friends hit me.   specifically bullet point #1 about worrying about people liking me.  i was so worried about being friends with someone who repeatedly hurt me that i was willing to hurt myself.    and when i finally said enough is enough she came back and hurt me some more.  but this time....this time...i laughed.  i did not cry.

i know this blog post is walking a fine line between being vindictive and being authentic.  i really see it more as my cathy bates/towanda moment then anything else… of course, the irony of this whole thing is that i have no idea who she has shared my blog with in the past and who in our mutual circles will see this and figure out some things about her on their own…..but i guess that is the way the cookie crumbles. i do know from statcounter that last week someone in west palm beach spent almost two full days on my blog….i also know that someone in our social community --who has the same internet provider that statcounter captured -- basically quoted something from my blog back to me (un-weight related) within those same two days--- something i posted a little while ago and was seen by the west palm beach reader this last week.  could be a coincidence. could be.

of course there will be social consequences for this post. shit, just speaking up to her last week was a partial death to my social life…but i had to. i did not lose all this weight, go through months of therapy, make many adjustments to my mind and body to not be myself. i am done being a people pleaser. i.am.done.   if it means less friends, new friends, no friends...i am ok....because for the rest of my life i have to live with me, me, me and i will not ever let anyone get in the way of the real me again.

one of my favorite bumper stickers says: speak up even if your voice shakes. this is my blog. my authentic home. my safe place. and, damn it, i will never ever ever ever let another person take away my voice, my ability to express myself or my power to stand up for myself again!