will it ever be enough? is it enough? (reposted -- hit publish by mistake)

i was at a party saturday night and got tons of comments on my weight-loss and how i was looking. one girl kept saying that i am "invisible". someone else told me that they thought i only need to lose 10 more pounds "but not more than that". WTF? i did not come this far to be chubby. lol. but i appreciate the compliment.

then the next day in my hangover haze i see the cover to the National Enquirer at the grocery store and it is SHOCKING NEWS that whitney houston weighs 175 pounds. 175 is front page news?????

i have no idea what my true goal weight is. i am mentally targeting 165 since that puts me at a healthy BMI. but i have no idea if i will still look big at the size. but, really, for me, it is not about looking big -- it is about looking good. and by that i readily admit that i mean it is about looking good to other people. i have no shame in saying that i want to be attractive to others and cut down my chances of my fat ass being splashed across the front page of a tabloid (as if! lol).

on the other hand,  i recently had the realization that for the first time in my adult memory i have less than 100 pounds to lose.  not 200 pounds to lose like i once did.   not 147 like when i started this journey.   i need to lose 70 pounds.   on one hand that sounds sooooo doable and easy.  on the other hand i know these will be the blood, sweat and tears pounds.   i can't wait for "this" to be over....

and just like the woman who said i only had 10 more pounds to go...i too sometimes forget that i am not there yet...like when i stripped down to my not-so tighty whities (ok, they were black and lace) and jumped into the hot tub the other night.  sure i had my bathing suit with me, but "why the hell not" is what i always say!

and in the spirit of moving forward,  i have decided to actively re-enter the dating market today -- the first day of summer.   i have posted an online ad and told friends i am on the "prowl" and to send willing victims women my way....  right now i am looking to date, have fun and get back out there.   look out world!  lol.

can you go home again?

admittedly, i am more of a Tom Wolf girl than Thomas Wolfe...but yeah... I agree you can't go home again....or can you?

i am sitting in north carolina tonight dealing with all kinds of emotions.    i moved to north carolina, charlotte to be exact, in 1990 for undergrad.   i spent the next 6 years here splitting my time between being a good student, a baby dyke, a fag hag, a young adult dyke with lots of experience, a drug user, a lover, partner and friend.  it is the place where i truly fell in love for the first time (and honestly, at this point so far in my life, the last time i have experienced true love).   i haven't been back here in 14 years.   14 long years.   14 years where my time in north carolina grew into a romantic, whimsical, fantasy life in my head.     a place where all is well.  where the world was safe enough for me to go places that only a diet of ecstasy, acid and crystal would allow.    a world where sleeping off the night before in a cemetery with a beautiful woman was how i started most sundays.  

one of the recent dialogues in therapy for me lately has been that i kind of feel "stuck" in florida.  a lot of this has to do with my relationship with my parents.    my therapist has challenged me to allow myself to at least think about the possibility of leaving.  of moving back to north carolina, atlanta or even my favorite place in the world...alaska...  i really don't  know if i can do it on a practical level... (solo-parenting in a new place would be extra hard, i own a home in florida, my job pays above the national average for my profession)....but if nothing else, i am supposed to at least allow myself to "go there"...

and "going there" is making me feel very uneasy.   it is scary.   just like so many other things in this band process...if i look outside my safe cocoon i may have to admit that i am not happy/comfortable/content as i pretend to be.   and what good does that admission do me if i am not willing (or able) to do anything anyways.   sigh.  i don't even know if i am making sense at this point but i just need to get this out.

i mean i am a fool if i think i can just pick up my life and move to a place that i haven't been to in 14 years and expect it to be ok.   the place has changed.  i have changed.  i am no longer a student, a drug user or footloose and fancy-free like i was when i was here.   i am a mother.   a career woman.  i am healthier in so many ways.     does that mean i need to stay in florida?  no.   does it mean i need to make major decisions with my head and not my emotions? yes.  but don't my emotions and happiness count for anything.   will i be happy if i stay in florida?  i don't know.   but right now i need to stay there.   my daughter needs to be close to her grandparents.    she needs stability.   

before this whole idea of being "stuck" came up in therapy my plan had been to drive down to charlotte on friday and go visit my old haunts.  at this point i have talked myself out of it.  i don't think my heart can bear seeing charlotte right now...on either end of the spectrum...i don't want to see all the growth and changes that will kill my version of charlotte in my head.   and i don't want to see all the things, places, lifestyle that i loved.  that i wanted to raise a child in.   

then i thought on friday i would go to the mountains to see the place i spent many of my summers as a child at camp.  

but now i think i may find a high-end spa and treat myself to a massage and facial.  or i may go to a water park and have fun.  or do both.

or i may just stay in my hotel room and hide from my fantasies, my mind and my heart.  

damn....i look hot.....

excuse the grainy quality....but damn.... i could not stop looking at myself in the elevator lobby mirrors today....lol.

and speaking of my own hotness...i think with each passing day i am getting closer and closer to lifting my self imposed dating fatwa.   the line for applications form to the right, ladies... ;-)  lol

tonight was support group.   there is going to be a change in the support group structure in the next couple months.   they are going to divide us into two groups: under one year post-op and over one year post-op.  there will be exceptions to the year mark if it is someone who is far along and the surgeon's office feels like they are "getting" it.  i assume i will make it into the one year and over group.  i also know that my therapist will most likely facilitate this group.

after tonight, i have to say, i am really looking forward to the split.  my patience for recent crop of newbies is running out.  unlike myself and others who were new around my time, they do not come to listen or take away information....instead they come in and tell us how they can eat "anything" and talk about snacking on non-protein stuff.     everything is just sooooooo easy for them.  there are 3 who have been doing this since one-week post-op.   i think they are all liars.  lol.   tonight i kind of called one girl out.   she was telling us how she keeps her refrigerator at work stocked with grapes, carrots, hummus, etc.   she pointed out that they were "good snacks".   i pointed out that they are not protein and i always try to go for protein first.    she said she logs her food and gets all her protein in even with these snacks.  so i pointed out to her that when she gets to good restriction she is only going to have 3-4 opportunities -- on a good day -- to eat and that now is the time to adjust to the protein-first rule.   our leader was agreeing with me.  ms. three and a half months told me she was doing ok.  so...sorry, but i had to...so... i turned to our leader and said that i was having weight watchers meeting flashbacks where i would leave a meeting knowing that a tootsie roll lollipop has 1 point, an oreo is two points and on and on and on.    i know ms. three and half months was not happy with my analogy...but someone needs to let these people know that the hard work is right around the corner and i am always happy to piss on someone's parade.....lol...  no, not really...but, yeah...i do get the reason for splitting the group.   one group needs to be the basics and the other needs to be the long term behavioral stuff -- as it was presented to us.   kudos to my surgical group for always improving our support options.

tomorrow i am flying to north carolina for a week of executive communication boot camp.  oh joy.   it is now my turn to have my inners ripped out and analyzed by a group of know it alls....  what comes around, goes around.  at least i have no worries about the southwest blubber police ever.again...thankyouverymuch....

new addiction? laziness?

it has been a long time since i had a total lazy-around-the-house weekend.  after getting my nails done yesterday morning and taking the princess to make pizza at the Whole Foods kids club, i have not left the house or gotten out of my pajamas.   maybe i will make this my new addiction...it fits all my criteria... filthy, skanky and shameful.  trust me...you need to see me in my too big pajamas and dirty hair to to appreciate my skankiness.

my real life friend J has offered the best suggestion and action plan for my boredom....her ex-girlfriend and trying to get a group together to go to a strip club.  i am *so* there.  lol.    heck, who knows...after a couple lessons other friends and i were talking about i may just put my (almost) skinny ass up on the pole!  lol.

random good news...my annoying, trashy, illegal pitbull having neighbors are moving out.  thrilled.

gotta go...the princess has prepared a stage and just announced that the next american idol is getting ready to start in my living room!

the search for a new addiction...

thanks, but no thanks, for your comments and suggestions regarding my new addiction.  something goal-oriented and healthy like zumba, art or general exercise will not do it for this wannabe punk rock girl.

my friend K had a pretty good suggestion --- loose women.   but as i explained to her that could get a bit exhausting physically and bring with it a lot of the "bad" drama.   the other problem is, when i asked her if she knew any she was no help.   i need easy access to my addiction.  (and really, i have a thing for good girls)

i want my addiction to be something filthy, skanky, shameful -- yet fun.   i want to rebel against society's expectations from me.  like being addicted to drinking hot melted butter from a straw.   stalking lesbian country singers.  snorting sugar stix.   attending sex parties dressed up as papa smurf.   something.  anything. i want to end this boredom at being so damn good.

Bored at 78...

today was my 7 month check-up with the surgeon.   i did not take a fill and i am holding steady right now at 8cc.  i am officially 78 pounds down since surgery and 139 pounds from my highest.  i'll definitely take it.  but at the same time, 78 seems like such a funny number to report on.   i am not disappointed or anything --- but now that i am *only* 22 pounds from 100 pounds since surgery i am get impatient (again). 

playing the numbers game and setting my next goal i know (hope?) i will have lost 100 pounds by my birthday in september.   my goal is actually to lose 22 more pounds by the time i go away to the keys for vacation on august 12th.   totally doable.   and be under 200 pounds by my birthday mid-september.   aggressive?  perhaps.  but will keep me motivated.

why do i need motivation?  because i am fucking bored.  bored with losing weight.  bored with being "good" about losing weight.  bored with putting on clothes that are too big.   lol.  the whole thing is BO-RING me.   apparently this 6/7 month point is where people in recovery from substance abuse usually use again because they are bored.   pass the heroin* please.  lol.  because pigging out will only make be throw up and that is not fun.  a couple months ago i was going to post a poll on "what should heidi's new transfer addiction be?"...now i wish i had because i am ready to act out.   i dream of bottles of wine.   remember fondly the pre-responsible job and pre-mommy days of drug indulgence.   buying clothes, while can be a fun addiction, is useless and stupid now.   HELP!  i need to have something, anything, to make me feel like a bad-ass and at the same time numb the next few months....lol.

*please understand that while the intent is sincere, i am not really looking to become addicted to drugs  no need to call nancy reagan -- but if you do want to stage an intervention on A&E i may be game!

re-entering the blog world

so last night i saw the only friend that gave me a less than enthusiastic reception when i told her i had surgery back in november.    her response was something along the lines of "yeah, i thought about doing it the easy way but me and my husband just signed up for weight watchers again".   ok.  maybe the "again" was added by me, but it is true.  lol.   anyhoo...let's just say that her mouth dropped to the floor when she saw me last night.    she also proceeded to tell me that she had gone to surgery seminars before and now she wanted my doctor's number.   so, being the good band ambassador that i am, i told her i would go to my surgeon's seminar with her when she is ready.  she also brought up concerns about missing pizza and hanging skin.   sure, they are valid concerns we all have in the beginning BUT i think i can say with confidence now that those are really just self-created roadblocks to stop ourselves from losing weight.

this all went down at my "straight book club".   and while we were talking someone else chimed in that she everyone she knows who had the band only gets to "pleasantly chubby" and never skinny.  gee thanks.

things are going well from a band perspective.   moving right along with my weight-loss.   this thursday is my 7 month check-up so i will know my weight then.   i got my restriction back and really, this is just a regular part of life for me now.

i have been staying very active.  did a 11 mile bike ride recently on my new bike.  lots of outdoor activities.   this past weekend was Gay Days at Disney and i really enjoyed myself with my daughter and a good friend.   here is a picture of me and the princess. 

i feel somewhat obligated to explain my absence from blogging.   while it has not been deliberate, per se, there are reasons.  

one reason is that i was starting to feel a little too exposed with people i know in real life.   i don't mind that they are reading this, and i certainly don't mind their comments here or in personal emails to me regarding what they read here.  but there were a couple instances where the contents of a recent blog were discussed in front of people who are neither privy to my blog nor did i really know enough at all to discuss the surgery with.   and you know, i have been very open about the surgery.  but it really put me in an uncomfortable position to literally be standing around in a group where i really know some people and don't know others AT ALL and have someone ask in front of the group about something i just blogged about.   i wanted to just blend into that crowd as a normal person who is so fucking close to being normal sized.

another reason for my lack of blogging is all the work i am doing in therapy.   some of it is mind blowing stuff that is really helping me evolve quite quickly into a better person.    so because of the exposure i felt above, i really didn't feel comfortable knowing that one day i could be standing in a crowd and someone could say "so...that was kind of interesting how your therapist said you were a blankity blank..."  and, i also just don't feel like sharing some of it right now with blogging community either.    interestingly enough, this reason not to blog is a systematic of something greater in my healing process and that is my usual way of seeing things of all or nothing.   never in the middle.  so after talking last week in therapy about it, i realized i did not have to stop blogging completely, i could just change the focus of what i blog about.  because i really do miss blogging.

and that brings me another reason why i stopped blogging... i am at this point, 7 months out, where i just want to to "normal".   i don't want to make a big deal out of wearing size 16 old navy skirts.   i don't want everything i do for the rest of my life to be a comparison to my former life.  i just want to move forward.  i know that does not sound too mentally healthy... and i am aware of that...but i am just not at the point where i want to look back and realize that maybe i wasn't that perfectly adjusted fat person after all.    it is hard enough rethinking my relationships with my parents, friends, lovers, co-workers and even strangers on the street...i can't, i mean CAN'T, everyday redefine my image of who i was compared to who i am today.  that is too painful and not something i am up for or care to do at this point.

and finally, i just found myself spending too much time living vicariously through the blogs, when i realized that there are so many things i rather be doing in real life.   i want to spend more time outdoors.  i want to catch up on reading.  i want to date again.   i want to live life.   every moment of my life.  and not zone out in front of the computer night after night.

so i am going to recommit to my blog.   i still want to record my journey.  i still want to be helpful to others who come across my blog.   but i am not sure how much i can participate in the community as a whole.   my focus on my blogging activities will now be more of a journal as opposed to a community.  it is not aimed at anyone.  so please understand if i don't visit too many other blogs right now.  i need to stay "inside" myself and stop looking "outside" for thoughts/entertainment/validation.  it is a major part of my personal journey and evolution.