Ok…so here it goes….the narcissism post.
Some ground rules…I am going to admit some things here that may be related to my relationships with people who I know in real life and read this blog as well as blog friends. Nothing I post is specific to any individual nor is it being said or intended in any way to hurt you. It is all about ME ME ME… I ask those of you who know me in real life to be gentle with the “n-word” as we go through real life together. I know “what“ I am and I am slowly adjusting. Please don’t attribute the “n-word” to me in our conversations or in reference to me to other people we know. (ps. My therapist also thinks I am a control freak…ya think?)
Like I said, I know “what” I am. And while I know some of the narcissist traits may need to change…some are a big part of the Heidi you know and love. And in addition to losing a whole person in body mass…it is really hard to adjust to the fact that I may lose a large part of the only personality I have ever had.
A couple months ago I went to wine party (rolling, rolling, rolling on the river). I felt it was pretty lame and boring. I mentioned that fact on the phone to my mom the next day and she said it was because I was not the center of attention. I got pissed at her. But I realize now, that may be partially true. I walk into every room thinking “look at me. You all want to know me. Shit, you all want to fuck me”. (ok, admit it real life friends…you really do want to fuck me…lol).
I am very proud of my professional achievements. However, I did not get where I am by being well liked. I have been called intense and intimidating. The word “bulldozer” has been attributed to me more than once in professional settings. Really, at the end of day, how proud can I be of what I accomplished if I bullied my way into it?
Early on in my sessions my therapist identified me as narcissist. Immediately I had images of vanity smurf in my head. He was always my favorite, ironically....(right after that hot bitch smurfette…). But as we have gone deeper into our discussions I can see what she is saying…sigh.
So, Mayo Clinic defines narcissistic personality disorder as including some of the following symptoms:
- Believing that you're better than others
- Fantasizing about power, success and attractiveness
- Exaggerating your achievements or talents
Expecting constant praise and admiration- Believing that you're special and acting accordingly
- Failing to recognize other people's emotions and feelings
- Expecting others to go along with your ideas and plans
- Taking advantage of others
- Expressing disdain for those you feel are inferior
- Being jealous of others
- Believing that others are jealous of you
- Trouble keeping healthy relationships
- Setting unrealistic goals
- Being easily hurt and rejected
- Having a fragile self-esteem
- Appearing as tough-minded or unemotional
I can pretty much related to.every.single.item on this list.
So how does this relate to obesity? Well…as a narcissist the rules do not apply to me. As a narcissist, I can be morbidly obese because I am smarter than doctors and can beat the odds. My obesity also served as great armor for my “fragile self-esteem” and allowed me to appear as “tough-minded”.
How does it relate to my weight-loss. Well…sigh…ok, here it goes…I admitted to my therapist that when I read other people’s blogs I am constantly running the numbers in my head. Comparing their weight loss to mine. “I have lost 56 pounds in 5 months….they lost x-amount in blank months…I am so ahead of them in my averages…I rock”. <<<<< yes, I am ashamed to admit, that is my inner dialogue. (please someone chime in here and save my “fragile self-esteem” and say they do the same thing…) In my defense, since I talked to my therapist about this specific issue a couple weeks ago and she told me to STOP I really have regulated my thoughts when reading other blogs.
Tonight is the first time I will be at support group in three weeks due to travel and other obligations. I am dreading it…only for one reason…I know there will be new people there who have been bonding with MY support group friends for 3 weeks without me. But more to the point, and what my therapist painfully pulled out of me….i am dreading these new people because my inner dialogue when I walk into the room tonight will be “you have no fucking clue WHO I am…..”. my therapeutic challenge tonight is sit back and observe and participate and not dominate the group. ACK!!!!!!! That is all I know how to do…is dominate groups, people, events, and on and on and on.
I want to change. I want to learn how to have all kinds of “healthy relationships”. I want to be someone people genuinely like and not someone they go along with out of intimidation.
I don’t want to be so arrogant in dealing with people that I embarrass my daughter or make life harder for her. Do you know how many times in the last 5 years of her life that kid has heard mommy refer to somebody as a dumbass - -because mommy did not get her way?
I want to be in love and in a healthy relationship (this will be addressed more in the 3rd of the trifecta issues post…living in the middle). I want to – for the first time in my 37 years of life – create lasting relationships with friends and lovers. I have put a lot of energy in the last year of joining and participating in an amazing women’s social community. That alone is a big step for me. Previously, I never get too involved with things because I end up getting frustrated and leaving. And this girl has never left any situation gracefully…nope--- that inner narcissist dialogue is saying “fuck them. They don’t deserve me. I am so fucking better than this….”. but not this time. I have met some amazing people and I don’t ever want to leave the community nor do I want my narcissism to ever hurt this people I have come to genuinely care about.
{ok, pissing in my pants here…literally as I am writing this above paragraph the following email dialogue takes place….it is about a party this weekend:
Jr.: Many more (and worse!) photos on the way!
Me: where are they?????????? i want to see them NOW!!!!!
Commando: rut ro.....thus spoke heidi, you better get those pictures posted, or feel the wrath!
rflmao…if that email exchange does not sum up my personality and how my friends perceive me…I don’t know what does…..i am so lucky that these women love my bossy, bitchy holier than thou skinny ass}
So my challenge in life right now is learning to dial back some of my personality…but not just externally what people see…I need to dial back and change how I look at the world and those around me -- my internal personality. Being “right” and “better than others” for all these years only got me to 373 pounds and a long history of hurting people. I am so fucking done with that. But at the same time it is a balance…I think there is some truth in the saying “fake it until you make it”. Thinking I can lose weight and That I will be successful and “Fantasizing about my success and attractiveness” is just as important to my personality right now as learning how not to be judgmental…
So there you have it….i truly am interested in hearing what you all have to say and your experiences with this. <<<< and no, my therapist did NOT make me write that! lol
